#pre resonance cascade

[deltoidlover]

they get silly and kiss each other softly

#my art #half life #fanart #gordon freeman #barney calhoun #black mesa #freehoun #pre resonance cascade

[ariariari-freehounreal]

Can you guys tell I like drawing them (this is pre res, first date) also I hc gordon as selectively mute and this is like one of the first times gordon has verbally spoken to Barney

#freehoun #gordon freeman #barney calhoun #half life #pre resonance cascade

[arco-irisi]

sleepy silent calls

#hl #gordo #barney hl 1 !!!! #pre-resonance cascade

[the-girl-from-dres]

Just played Black Mesa: Blue Shift and my GOD IT'S SO GOOOOD

#like i thought black mesa/half life was immersive #but this is on another level #AND you get to see gordon freeman taking the tram past you #and then fucking shit up #my god this makes me want a pre-resonance cascade HL game even more now

[bbeeohazardd]

i have so much Stein lore y'all don't even know

#i've already thought of how he would be in different aus #fuck #as well as the entire backstory stuff for him pre mid and post resonance cascade #i literally dont even know if i'm ever gonna post any of it but it exists! #my brain is rotting from the inside #bee shouts

[viv-weylin]

HALF LIFE TUMBLR SIMULATOR:

🌐 breenofficial follow

This is your daily reminder that we do in fact see your internet history. Please refrain from looking things up such as "breen leaked feet pics". Thank you.

🗨 combineofficial follow

To add on: please stop looking up "Metrocop x Reader", thank you.

🪄 c17-mp2901 follow

whoever keeps stealing my rations from the breakroom owes me AT LEAST six days worth at this point.

📀 c17-mp183729 follow

Its happening to you too, 2901? I thought it was just me...

🔆 c17-mp89388 follow

This is a reminder that we work hard for our rations and it's kinda fucked up to steal people's hard work... idk if its just me but why is it normalized to make fun of Civil Protection?? We're just doing out job.

@combinefeedback can you fix this??

💠 combinefeedback follow

Hello! Please email us at [email protected] to submit a formal complaint.

🍻 bcalhoun follow

Lol

🛡 the-resistance follow

Double agent of the week has been announced! Special thanks to @ bcalhoun for his hard work. He has reportedly stolen weeks worth of rations from the City 17, District 6 breakroom, thoroughly demotivating the metrocops :).

🟠 gfreeman-fan follow

Looking for a roleplay partner! I'd be roleplaying my BlackMesa!OC, Jamie. I'm okay roleplaying with BlackMesa!Ocs or Gordon Freeman. Breen roleplayers please do not interact!

🩵 breen-defender follow

What's wrong with breen?? /gen

🟠 gfreeman-fan follow

What do you mean what's wrong with breen?? U literally support... ☹️☹️ blocked and reported.

🛡 the-resistance follow

Gordon Freeman fanart drawn by @gfreemanlefttoe!

[gordon_fanart_final_FINAL_FINALREALLY.jpg]

🔬 eye-kleiner follow

Wow! 😍 Most Accurate Drawing I've Seen Yet! Amazing Work, gfreemanlefttoe!

🪼 justice4cremators follow

THE FUCKING USERNAME I CANT.

🍻 bcalhoun follow

As someone who knew Gordon before all this... kinda wild ngl.

⚓️ a-d-vanced follow

My dad literally worked with Gordon I can't imagine how he feels knowing gfreemanlefttoe is a real username.

🔭 elivance388 follow

It's funny asf.

🪨 lazlo-greatest-mind-of-our-generation follow

DNI: Breen defenders (wtf is wrong with you), Gordon Freeman x Breen Shippers 😭😭, Resistance snitches, if you work with the combine AT ALL (THIS IS MY BLOG OKAY??), antlions, if you own any headcrabs as pets. They're literally exotic creatures wtf is wrong with you..

⚓️ a-d-vanced follow

[dog_picture.jpg]

Here's a selfie with my pet dog!

🚫 alyxvancehateblog follow

I literally saw him attack a combine soldier yesterday...

⚓️ a-d-vanced follow

And???

🚫 alyxvancehateblog follow

Kinda weird ngl...

⚓️ a-d-vanced follow

Ermmm in literally neurodivergent and a minor 🤓

📘 real-history-facts follow

Today, 10 years ago, the Resonance Cascade happened!

🧠 brmy-md follow

Who remembers x files... 😭😭

☢️ stalkerk follow

Rb with what you miss most about pre combine life

🎶 dmmeformusic follow

Predictably, music...

🎁 cindyc follow

Holidays...

🐱 catlover2882777 follow

Cats@

[Cat.jpg]

🍻 bcalhoun follow

WHICH MUTUAL REBLOGGED THIS I HAVE ALL CAT TAGS BLOCKED PLEASE TAG YOUR CAT PICTURES. JESUS CHRIST.

🔭 elivance388 follow

WHO FUCKING DID THIS.

🫐 ocubbage follow

hehe

⚓️ a-d-vanced follow

CUBBAGE??? WHAT???

🌐 breen-grub follow

Username change. Gfhhhh 👍

🍻 bcalhoun follow

Who hacked breen again?

🥬 cgreen follow

Lmao

🗨 combineofficial follow

PLEASE STOP WRITING BREEN X METROCOP STORIES. THANK YOU.

#half life #colette green #barney calhoun #alyx vance #gordon freeman #odessa cubbage #half life 2 #wallace breen #Youtube

[featheredcritter]

Pre resonance cascade barney

#half life #thoughts #barney calhoun

[adrian-sheppy]

Sorry if this is completely wrong igore if it is LMAO but I noticed you seem to have different hcs for how mind lost his eye!!! Like in Seattles Going Under it was lost in a vague fight or something, but in art w/ the resonance cascade he lost it prolly during the ambush? I was wondering if you had info to share on it/infodump abt or if its just whatever makes the art more fun!

hehe youre observant and actually right on the money. yup!  so essentially i just have different eye trauma head canons for whichever version of freemind im drawing; since he doesnt actually lose his eye in canon, its up to everyone to fil in the blanks if they wanna use the popular headcanon. i wrote .  a good chunk of stuff .  so i put it under the cut . but heres a picture to be like a . tldr

I sorta like his eye already being gone before the resonance cascade (in a non-freemanverse scenario). he does verbally say something like "my eyes" in the series, indicating he has two, BUT . well.  its a headcanon. so we can have fun with it . my eye loss pre-rescas freemind stems from my original freemind design (before i ever started posting half-life on the internet) where he had short hair, but i needed a way to distinguish him from og gordon, so I used thr popular one eye headcanon. then I realized him losing his eye bc of the military goes perfectly with martini losing an arm. that bothered me for a while until i realized i could just have multiple freemind designs + headcanons. if theres different variations of Gordon  and martini, why can't there be some of Freemind as well? grins grins

i left it open ended in my SGU because people have their own headcanons and I thought anyone could just fill in their own. if I did every make a canon eyeloss event prequel thing, he would've lost his eye during college in some sort of either freak accident (like tripping on something and injuring himself bad; I like this one because he'll lie and say he was in a fight) or, like u said, a fight . for SGU, college was a low point in his life of him struggling with freedom from his parents for the firsr time, but them and their ideals still holding him hostage. he is simultaneously more repressed and more emotionally volatile than present!gordon. then, when his parents die, hes just given a clusterfuck of emotions. so why dont we add physical trauma? whatever the sgu canon event eye loss was, it was definitely related to substance abuse issues. whether that be he was high/drunk and got into an accident, or fought someone... not sure! yet. the only thing that i can say was that no fire or chemicals were involved, since his tearduct is (unfortunately for him) wholly in tact!

but for freemanverse!freemind, he should lose his eye during the rescas since its like thematic and stuff if (almost) every Gordon Loses Something. also, angst. whenever I draw freemanverse (even in a domestic setting) in my head, i always think of them surviving the rescas together! i have. convoluted freemanverse headcanons. the eye loss is an important freemanverae event because, like martini, it gives him a valid reason to REALLY dislike benrey (but in my au, benrey isnt the big bad, so he "redeems" himself kinda sorta) . and then it ALSO opens up freemind to be upset and vulnerable, which allows him to bond with his fellow freemen.

...

also I want barmey to tend to his wounds and call his scar(s) badass. im not immune to buttermind and i never was.

honorable mention: sims freemind, who has both eyes physically but only can see from one. this is due to me unable to properly texture a glasses + eyepatch combo, that and i have no experience with 3d modelling (I did try!).

i hope this is a satisfying enough infodump!! I'm sorry if it's a bit vague; a lot of my ideas tend to be fluid. i also like taking inspiration from what other people think! some of you guys are way super smart and have awesome ideas. i am not immune to well articulated essays and thought out headcanons

#also fun fact! my og freemind design had short hair BECAUSE i was going to use his hair growth to indicate time passing #going from the rescas to a more domestic and “calmer” setting with his new friends #and the hair growth is supposed to represent lije... self acceptance almsot #and like a slightly healtheir view of himself (dont worry hes still an asshole) #and thats also why COLLEGE FREEMIND (who i never draw) has short hair also! #yay! emotional growth represented by the literal growth of hair! #freeman's mind #freemind #mindverse #gordonverse #gordon freemind #freemanverse #asks #half life

[blacktobackmesa]

a while back i was working with my internal hlvrai timeline for my fics and went "hm, but that would mean that the ACAB stream happened immediately after the AIs were freed from the game, and that seems a little fast"

but then I thought of what that would look like and it's pretty accurate

bubby: let me get this straight. our lives up to the day of the Resonance Cascade were pre-programmed video game backstory, and you were broadcasting our private moments surviving the apocalypse to an audience of strangers for entertainment? Gordon, I don't think I can ever trust you again.

gordon: I get it. I understand, i'm sorry. I have no plans to stream any of you without consent again. but if you're interested in seeing me work, i'm doing a nonprofit stream this week as a fundraiser, i'm playing a game where you rob banks--

bubby: gordon put us in front of that camera right now

#hlvrai #go grandbub go [bubby] #gordon streamman

[adoranoia]

so uhhhhhhhhh. abt (that beer i owed ya) the fact i wanted to pick up normal half life gordon freeman for funsies. lmao‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎

-selectively mute, can talk and does sometimes, usually in short bursts, but prefers to use sign language. hard of hearing bc guns + explosions after the resonance cascade. talks to himself a lot when alone tho, makes kinda snarky comments in his head, etc.‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎ -kinda a nerd-jock, was probably on a sports team in high-school or something, before switching to focusing on science fields in college. has been besties(tm) with barney since their second year of college.‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎ -kinda a little freak post-stasis, he wasn't aware for those twenty years, thankfully, but he still lost a lot of his social skills. he was never a super social guy, but he's somehow even more awkward then before. will stare at you for a minute straight and then just. walk away w/o saying anything.‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎ -also a little freak in the sense he's got subtle inhuman traits from being what was basically the void for as long as he was, similar to how tommy 'mutated' after long exposure to gman--but gordon's is way less extreme.‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎ his eyes glow slightly, and his teeth are slightly sharpened, and probably one or two other minor things i haven't decided on. idk.‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎ -had a older sister who he was very close to pre-everything, and a niece he cared for a lot, hence the picture of her he has, among some other family photos. still doesn't know what happened to them, and worries about them a lot. rip.‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎ -a pretty gentle/soft-spoken guy over all, but like. very deadly too, so. y'know, be warned, if u wanna try and piss him off <3 asdfghjkl, but yeah. he's full of whimsy despite the horrors !!! for the most part anyway. he's trying, okay?‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎

#* && OOC #* && DR / GORDON / FREEMAN . #i look away. #hes basically a weird mishmash of like. fanon stuff i've seen #hlvrai gordon (stressed) and then like. freemind the tiniest bit rlly just in the snark department asdfghjkl #FOR FUNSIES !!! #i think its funny when ppl make him all serious tho and w/e. like that man is The Silliest actually. thank u 4 coming 2 my tedtalk

[bigmouthstrikesyj]

Chapter One - Who is Jackie Taylor? (Jackie Taylor x Shauna Shipman)

Summary: Shauna and Jackie have shared an unbreakable bond as best friends since elementary school. Things take an unexpected turn when Jackie approaches Shauna with a peculiar request. A request that started everything. A request that started the lie. The first lie.

Wordcount: 7, 427

Over the years, New Jersey had witnessed significant events, such as the first Miss America Pageant, the German U-Boat attacks on shipping along the coast, and even the victory of the New Jersey Devils with the Stanley Cup, making them the first team from New Jersey to claim a major league. 

Everything was noteworthy. One place seemed to remain unchanged, like a constant copy and paste: Wisakayok. It begged the question, what would it take for Wisakayok to make its mark on the map of New Jersey? According to Shauna, that momentous event would be none other than Jackie Taylor. 

Every morning, without fail, Shauna Shipman could be found stationed outside Jackie's house like a perfectly synchronised timepiece. Every. Single. Day. 

The pre-dawn hours offered her solitude, with only the faint melodies emanating from her car's speakers to keep her company. Unfortunately, her car radio never really did work.

Shauna's solution to her radio dilemma was to coax Van into the task of making mixtapes for her. 

She had a hidden agenda in her dealings with Van. When she handed Van a list of songs to put onto a tape, it was more than just a personal playlist. 

Nestled among her own choices were selections meant specifically for Jackie and only ever her.

Every couple of weekends, she and Jackie would head to the local record store. These outings held a peculiar routine for them; they rarely left the store with a purchase of their own. 

Instead, Shauna assumed the role of Jackie's devoted shadow, trailing behind her friend as Jackie meandered through the aisles of LPs,cassette tapes and CDs.

Observing Jackie's face lighting up with sheer delight whenever she stumbled upon a song that resonated with her. She made an effort to memorise the titles and artists of the songs that piqued Jackie's interest, hoping to commit them to memory to tell Van.

It was a small price to pay. The $5 she bartered in exchange for these sought-after songs came from the gas allowance she received for her clunker of a car that her mother had allowed her to keep if she collected her grandmother after bingo each week. 

It was a small sacrifice on her part, a little bribe for the delight of receiving fresh tunes and ensuring that the soundtrack to her mornings continued to flow seamlessly until Jackie was tired of them, and the process would start again. 

Shauna cracked the window on Jackie's side of the car, her head tilted toward the Taylor’s residence as she patiently awaited her friend. Leaning back against the comfortable headrest, she savoured the faint strains of Nirvana’s “About a Girl" drifting from the car's speakers—her absolute favourite band. Track One. 

Her gaze remained fixed on the entrance to that picturesque American Dream house, Jackie’s parents had inherited it from her late grandmother, with all the 70’s fixings. There was always a waiting game going on for Jackie.

Then it happened. The door to the house swung open, and there she was, Miss Jackie Taylor, a vision of effortless allure. 

Her bag dangled nonchalantly from her shoulder, and her hair cascaded perfectly over her shoulder with each graceful stride. Each step resonated with unwavering confidence, drawing the eyes of anyone who happened to be looking, but Jackie only had eyes for Shauna.

Jackie's eyes ignited with delight, and a cheeky smile danced across her lips as she gracefully approached Shauna's car. She bent down with a lingering smile, her gaze tracing every nuance of Shauna's face with a sense of pure joy. 

Shauna, in turn, found herself captivated, her lips mirroring the same radiant smile that Jackie reserved just for her.

"Morning, Shipman," Jackie chimed in with a playful tone, her voice brimming with warmth and affection as she leaned in through the open window. "Did you miss me this weekend?" Her words were like a familiar melody, sweet and inviting. 

"Is that even a question, Jax?" Shauna playfully questioned, her fingers reaching for the car's radio to lower the volume as Jackie opened the door and climbed inside. 

As the door slammed shut, she tugged on the seatbelt, which she fought with for a while before it worked. 

"I'll take it that you did, but I've got some news," Jackie continued, a mischievous smile tugging at her lips.

She placed her bag on her lap and unzipped the front pocket to retrieve her lipstick. Tugging the sun visor down, Jackie gazed at her own reflection with a smile while Shauna tried to observe this familiar ritual. 

Shauna quickly adjusted her gaze and rested her hands comfortably on the wheel, her attention back focused on the road ahead.

Jackie, her green eyes now locked onto Shauna, leaned against the frame of the car door and couldn't contain her excitement. "So, guess what?" she chimed in, her voice filled with anticipation.

“What?” 

"Daddy got a PowerBook from work," Jackie exclaimed, her enthusiasm bubbling over. 

"It's like those computers in the library, but you can put it on your lap? Your lap, Shipman! How cool is that?" Jackie emphasised the sheer novelty of this concept with playful wonder. 

"And the best part of this entire thing? I get to use AOL when he’s not working on it, but you know he can never say no to me”

Shauna rolled her eyes, Mr. Taylor had a big paying office job in New York. Everyone in Wiskayok knew that the Taylors had money and that Jackie’s parents just loved to spoil her with it. "AOL? What would you be doing on AOL, Jax?"

"You mean who"

"Who?" 

"Who else? Jeff Sadecki, Shauna. Jeff," Jackie declared, her voice tinged with a mix of mischief and affection. 

The second she heard the name “Jeff”, her stomach twisted in a mix of unease. 

Everyone on the Yellowjackets team knew that Jackie had a crush on Jeff for sometime now, something that could never escape Shauna’s notice as much as she tried. 

“Why would you talk to Jeff on AOL when you won’t even talk to him at school?” Shauna asked, her brown eyes quickly flashing to Jackie, who was carefully applying the rouge to her lips. 

“Wouldn’t it make more sense to just go up and talk to him and I dunno, ask him out for once?” 

Jackie’s gaze darkened when she turned to look at Shauna who shifted her eyes on the road. “You know I’ve been waiting for him to ask me out, Shipman. He just needs a little nudge. Besides, if our love is meant to be, he'll be a gentleman." She looked into the small rectangle mirror, trying to remain optimistic.

Jackie finally realised the song that was playing in the car — Nirvana 

“Again, Shipman?”

“Mhm. Forward it on then, Miss Bossy”  She tried to maintain her focus on the road, resisting the urge to catch a glance at Jackie.

 It was in the little things, the detail of getting Van to assign Jackie’s song to number 9, her Yellowjackets Jersey number. Not that Jackie would ever realise that.

Jackie reached forward toward the dials, with Shauna’s anticipation building. Her fingers slowly moved through the songs until she reached her current favourite song. Jackie had to rewind it a couple seconds, to get the song right at the beginning. 

Turning her head slowly to look at Jackie, a wide grin spread across her face. The unspoken connection between them, painted a matching smile on both of their faces.

“Is…is that Boombastic? No, you didn’t, Shipman!” Jackie exclaimed with a playful giggle escaping her lips so effortlessly. Her school bag landed on the car floor with a thud. 

With a nimble hand, she unfastened her own seatbelt, and Shauna’s attention was instantly drawn from the road to her friend. The sight of Jackie, lit up with nothing with excitement.

“Put your seatbelt on, Jax!” 

“Make me, Shipman!”

“Don’t make me pull this car over, Jackie”

“Oh please! You won’t do it, Shauna! I know you! You won’t have us late for school!” The energy that always came from Jackie was infectious. 

Reaching forward, she cranked the volume up to its highest setting. The music surged through the car’s speakers, the pulsating rhythm that almost made it tremble.

The chorus hit, Jackie couldn’t resist. She started singing along, her voice rising above the lyrics as she belted them out with unbridled enthusiasm. 

Her hands shot up into the air, and she playfully ruffled her own hair, immersed in the moment. Then, with a gleeful spirit, she began to tug the window down even further than it already was. 

Leaning out, her excitement was uncontainable, as if she were trying to touch the music itself, becoming one with the song and the open air.

Every morning, come rain or shine, this had become their routine, with Jackie consistently sporting a smile and Shauna dreading to get out of bed. 

Arriving at the Wiskayok High School, the casual gathering in the parking lot happened. Those meeting up with one another for class, those out for a sneaky smoke, trying to make those last five minutes count before being called in.

Pulling into an empty parking space, the car engine finally went from a rumble to silence. Meanwhile, Jackie reached into her bag, unzipping it, revealing her notebook. 

“I don’t know what you’re doing with that notebook, Jax.”

“Come on, Shipman. Won’t you do it? Won’t you do it for me?” She slowly nibbled down on the corner of her bottom lip, her gaze locking onto Shauna’s with those green eyes.

A groan escaped the lips of the brown-eyed girl as she unfastened her seatbelt and turned off the ignition, removing her keys from the engine. She turned to Jackie, who was looking at her with hope in her eyes.

"Why can't you do it?"

"Hey! I'd do it for you."

"With who?" 

"Um... Randy?" 

"Randy... Randy Walsh? You're kidding, Jax!" Randy Walsh was hands down one of the most disgusting guys at Wiskayok High School in Shauna's opinion. 

"You have AP Math with Jeff and I'd have to bump into him in the hallway. Imagine asking for his AOL username in the hallway, Shauna? Imagine the scene it would cause," 

"Jackie, what would me and Jeff Sadecki ever have to talk about?" Shauna's words hung in the air, and silence enveloped them before Jackie's lips slowly parted with a gentle expression crossing her face. Her response was soft.

"Me?" 

If Jackie could do anything, it would make you pause. Shauna couldn’t even respond at that moment. They exchanged glances at one another, for that moment as she allowed for it to sink it. 

She finally raised her hands to her face, rubbing her eyes roughly before she shook her head one final time.

"You don't think asking him for his username for you is worse?" Shauna questioned.

"I don't want to come off as desperate. I just want you to casually slip it in there and be like, 'Well, if you have AOL, then here's Jackie's username,' just really subtle. Wait, wait. Power move: you get him to write down his username, and then I'll just find the time later to add him, you know? Have him waiting, wondering if I'll add him or not, that kind of thing because it’s not coming from me, Shipman. It’s you giving him a little nudge, that’s all!”

“But-”

“Please?” 

The words echoed in her ears as Shauna shut her eyes tightly for a moment, releasing a sigh before nodding decisively. She opened her eyes, meeting Jackie's gaze, and reluctantly accepted the notebook. Jackie let out a quiet happy squeal as she reached into her bag, retrieving a pen. 

Without hesitation, she leaned forward into Shauna's personal space. Jackie had never been one to shy away from someone's personal space; she always seemed to effortlessly invade it.

With a gentle touch, she reached up to Shauna, tucking the pen behind her ear, and then her fingers deftly adjusted the strands of Shauna's dark brown hair.

"No excuses from him not to write it now," Jackie remarked with a smirk. Shauna’s breath was taken away. 

Sure, Jackie and her had hugged about a million times, shared a bed together on sleepovers, done each other's makeup, but there were times when Jackie could still catch her off guard. 

A moment when Shauna would forget that it was Jackie, her ‘Best friend’ and felt like it was something different. Something more. 

“Jackie, I-” Shauna started, almost spilling a secret she wasn’t aware of herself. 

“Yeah Shipman?” Jackie asked, her hand still cradling the side of her face. 

“I don’t have any classes with Jeff until the end of the day” Shauna relented, wishing she never had to be such a stand up citizen and be the saviour of Jackie Taylor’s life. 

“That’s okay, silly! Not like I can message him until later on anyway”

The school bell rang a warning that they only had a couple minutes before class started. Jackie hopped out of the car, flashing her signature smile and waving goodbye to her best friend. 

As Jackie walked away, Shauna could only sit there, helpless, and watch her. Always being the one to watch her walk away. 

She would always disappear from view, but Shauna held onto one thing every-time. Just as she was about to vanish, she would consistently glance over her shoulder at Shauna, leaving her to wonder why. 

That was the enigma of Jackie; she had known her most of her life, and she always kept guessing, leaving her in a constant state of wonder. It was like a game of chess with Jackie, where she could never predict her next move

When the final bell rang, Shauna left her car and entered Wiskayok School building, making a beeline for the library. A free period mostly meant she was to study or work on homework or any projects, but Shauna being the ever present best friend, she grabbed a free pc. 

After all, why would Jackie only want to message Jeff? Shauna was her best friend first long before Jeff came into the picture. Even though her parents wouldn’t buy a desktop pc or a powerbook thingy, it didn’t mean that she was without a pc. 

Lottie Mathews' parents proudly sponsored Wiskayok’s women's soccer team, as well as most of the other interests Lottie had in the school. Debate, science, music, french studies and of course, computing. While the school might have only excelled in the Yellowjackets women’s team, they still generously supplied the school with the latest technology. 

Shauna gingerly tried to navigate her away around the PC, which she’s never had to touch before. 

It wasn’t at all as easy as a telephone or even a walkman, but the pc had an easy check list posted on the wall above the screen on tips on getting your pc to work. 

After a minute of trying to find out what the “Mouse” was, she made a quick log in, and then struggled for a while to find the “start menu” which was actually right in front of her the whole time. She couldn’t help but feel stupid for struggling with the technology, but anything for Jackie, right?

Jeff Sadecki and Jackie Taylor’s love story was going to revolve around this very technology, and all Shauna could do was watch.

On the start menu she located the little yellow running man symbol and double clicked. 

Everything Shauna did, she did for Jackie. Touching a PC was not on her bingo card. She felt herself pause when the “enter Screen Name” prompted, she couldn’t help but feel the absence of Jackie’s brainstorming. 

She anxiously nibbled at the corner of her lip and let out a quiet sigh under her breath, missing her friend's guidance in the moment. With a sense of anticipation tingling in the air, she finally began to type. 

Her fingers moved deliberately, caressing the keys with a rough touch. Yet, as her thoughts raced ahead of her fingers, a subtle groan of frustration escaped her lips.

She had pressed the wrong key, and the screen now displayed “S-H-I-T-M-A-N” instead of what she intended. Fuck. After pressing the keys randomly, she finally found the backspace and was able to change Shitman to Shipman. 

A little x appears beside her name. A surge of questions swirled within her mind. How could this happen? Was her chosen screen name already in use? Nobody in school shared her second name. 

She squinted at the computer screen, her eyes darting nervously around the room. Summoning her courage, she hesitated for a moment before finally deciding to press the “Enter” key. 

A popup window promptly appeared, bearing the discouraging message in bold letters “TAKEN SCREEN-NAME!” her heart sank as the frustration welled within her. 

She began clicking relentlessly, the persistent “bing” sound echoing from the speakers like a relentless reminder. With each click, her determination to secure her name only grew stronger. 

If she couldn’t use her name or anything like her name, she would have to use something else. Maybe her favourite animal and her favourite colour? No, taken as well. 

How ironic. Everything about her seemed to be taken by someone else. The only thing she could think that differentiated her from other girls was her “deplorable” taste in music, or so Jackie called it. 

“Only men are supposed to like grunge bands like Nirvana and The Smiths and what do you call them British boys, Oasis?” 

She typed some of her favourite song names into the screen name box and nothing worked until she typed “BigMouthStrikes” and a small tick graced her eyes. 

If Jeff got to talk to Jackie, why couldn’t Shauna? With a triumphant smile curling on her lips, she confidently pressed the “Enter” key, successfully saving her username.

Shauna Shipman 1 Technology 0. 

She retrieved Jackie’s notebook from her bag, handling it with care as she gently flipped it open to the first clean page. Her eyes darted around her bag, searching for a pen. 

Her mind drifted back to the memory of Jackie’s gentle touch earlier, the way she had delicately brushed Shauna’s hair back from her ear, releasing a quiet sigh that still echoed in her thoughts. Her hand instinctively moved to the ear, where she had tucked away the pen earlier. 

Scribbling down “BigMouthStrikes” on the centre of the page.

After twenty minutes of messing around on the pc and playing solitaire for a bit, the bell rang announcing the end of her free period. The day dragged on with an agonising slowness, an interminable crawl that seemed to defy the very laws of time itself.

How could it be this slow? Her mind was consumed by a single, daunting thought – the impending moment when she would have to get Jeff's username for Jackie. 

It shouldn’t bother her this much, should it? As the hours inched by, her anxiety grew like a shadow cast by the setting sun. The only thing that was getting her through today was getting to drop Jackie home. That was her and Jackie’s time. No interruptions, just them. 

When she finally entered the maths classroom, her eyes instinctively scanned the room until they settled on Jeff. He occupied a seat at the back, the farthest corner from the door, and sat right beside the window. 

Jeff’s face adorned with a maddeningly smug grin wearing his baseball jersey, that was enough to have Shauna gritting her teeth in frustration. 

With a determined resolve, she swung her bag around her shoulder, tugging the zipper down forcefully as she marched into the classroom. Each step down the aisle of desks, her free hand tracing a path among the wooden surfaces until she found herself standing right in front of Jeff. 

Clearing her throat, her voice quivered slightly as her entire focus locked onto Jeff who was busy looking out the window.

“Hi Jeff!” The silence that hung in the air was thick enough to be cut with a knife. 

Jeff slowly turned his head towards her, his expression was warm, but his eyes searched her face as he struggled to put a name to the girl who had suddenly appeared in front of him. The brutal truth was, he couldn’t recall her name, even though he knew he should know her.

“Hey…Hey you.” A soft smile played at the corner of his lips as he finally spoke, his voice was as warm as the expression on his face, inviting even. 

“You? We’ve been in the same classes since middle school. Shauna Shipman?” and then she added with a beat when no notion of recognition reached his eyes, “Jackie Taylor’s friend?”

“Oh! Jackie! Jackie’s friend, yeah! Got it! I remember” He didn’t remember her, but he knew Jackie. Everyone knew Jackie. 

“I-yeah. Anyway, Jeff, I’m here because, well, Jackie was wondering if you used AOL? She just made one and wanted to know if you might have one too.”

“Uh yeah! It’s-”

“Here, write it down” Without waiting for Jeff to respond, she reached into her bag and pulled out Jackie’s notebook. 

Right at that moment, their teacher Mr. Williams, an old grumpy man, walked into the room, making everyone quickly take their seats. Shauna, not having time to explain much to Jeff, took her seat and continued with class. 

At the end of class, when Shauna was packing up her bag, Jeff approached her desk, “Here you are Shauna” and left the journal on her desk. She stuffed it into her bag without checking his username and rushed to soccer practice. 

Soccer practice was the beacon of light that was guiding Shauna through her day. She didn’t even like soccer, but getting bossed around by Jackie for an hour didn’t sound like such a bad idea. 

The Yellowjackets locker room was always charged with an electric buzz of excitement. The girls excluded an infectious enthusiasm, not out of arrogance, but because they genuinely knew how good they were.

It wasn’t about gloating, it was about recognizing their potential. The possibility of making it to nationals this year hung in the air like an unspoken promise, and everyone understood how monumental that achievement would be. 

Jackie, in particular, frequently emphasised the opportunity, hinting at the transformative impact it would have on their lives, or Jackie’s life.

Practice had unfolded smoothly, with the team fine-tuning a few aspects to prepare for their upcoming game. 

Shauna, now in the locker room, began to unlace her boots while stealing glances at her teammates. The atmosphere was always lively in this space, filled with unspoken bonds. 

Natalie and Lottie, inseparable as always, sat side by side. Their conversations always seemed like secret exchanges, with Natalie sporting a toothy grin as she casually brushed off whatever Lottie had just said. 

Meanwhile, Van was passionately sharing her thoughts on the latest movie she had seen, her excitement palpable. Taissa, her close friend, playfully elbowed her whenever Van’s enthusiasm threatened a little too deafening. 

Laura Lee, well, she existed in a world entirely her own, lost in her thoughts, as enigmatic ever. The locker room was a tapestry of personalities, each player contributing their unique colour to the team’s vibrant spirit. 

All that was missing was Jackie. The locker room door swung open, and in walked Jackie, the whirlwind of energy and charisma that she always was. Her emerald eyes swept over her teammates before locking onto Shauna. 

With a confident stride, she took a seat beside her, arms crossed, and inquisitive tilt of her head. The two locked eyes for a brief moment, green and brown.

“So?” Jackie began, her lips parting slowly

“So?” Shauna replied, raising an eyebrow as she tugged at a stubborn lace, trying to undo her mucky boots.

“How did it go?” Jackie pressed, her green eyes brimming with curiosity and longing.

“I think we played pretty well. It’s only training, but I-” Shauna started to say, but Jackie cut her off.

“Not soccer, silly! Jeff! Earth to Shipman? Did you ask him?”

“Mhm, of course I did, Jax. You asked.”

“You always pull through, Shipman!”

“Mhm.” 

“Do you have the notebook with you now?” Jackie leaned in closer, inches away from Shauna’s face as her excitement was palpable. Shauna felt her throat tighten, blinking quickly as she adjusted her head back

“Uh, yeah,” Her reply was quick, reaching for her bag, which was slumped against her locker. 

She pulled out Jackie’s notebook and handed it over to her, a curious look on her face. Why did she need it so badly? It wasn’t like she could add Jeff right now.

“You’re my favourite, you know that? Don’t you?”

“I was going to give it to you in the car”

“No time, Shipman! Times of the essence! Mom’s already in the car park.”

“Your mom? I always drop you home, Jackie”

“I want to be there when he gets home!” Her determination was unwavering

“But–”

“I need to get home quickly, Shipman. Don’t worry, you’re still my favourite! I’ll catch you tomorrow, won’t I?” Jackie explained, not giving Shauna a chance to respond. 

With that, she turned on her heels and headed towards the door quickly, glancing over her shoulder to offer Shauna her signature smile, leaving Shauna to stare. Jackie had been unusually short with her, abruptly leaving without their usual banter. It was their established routine, but of course, Jackie was changing it to suit her mission of talking to Jeff. 

Is that all Shauna meant to her? Jeff is added to the equation, and suddenly Shauna is just a passing thought? Once she had the notebook, she was gone. She couldn’t help but wonder about the fine line between showing interest and appearing desperate, but yet..she was running home to add him straight away. Typical. 

Was this really how it was going to be? Did Jackie have any intention of adding her, including her? It felt like an icy breeze of indifference. Everything seemed to revolve around Jeff, that stupid Jeff Sadecki. 

The frustration built up within her, and she questioned herself – why did she even care? Why did she have this nagging feeling to see if Jackie had even added her. 

She casted her gaze downward, avoiding any interaction with the other girls, her chest constricting as anxiety rendered her mind blank. The library was now her urgent lifeline, a necessity rather than a mere desire. She needed to know. She wanted to know. 

Shedding out of her soccer uniform, she slipped into a pair of jeans and a band t-shirt, her thoughts consumed by Jackie. Jackie fucking Taylor. An internal battle raged within her, a continuous chant urging her to confront Jackie tomorrow, but she needed to confirm her suspicions that gnawed at her like a relentless hunger. 

Ignoring the other girls, she made a beeline for the exit, leaving them behind without a word.  Just as she reached the door, a familiar voice called out, uttering “Shipman?” She didn’t bother to turn around to match the voice with a face, she didn’t care. 

All that mattered now was finding out the truth. 

The bustling school corridors filled with students hurriedly getting what they needed from the lockers, she pressed on, pushing through the crowd. 

Her determination urged her to opt for the stairs, choosing a route to get there. Outside of the library was deserted which provided a small comfort – no one needed to witness the intensity of her desperation.

Finally arriving at the library, she pushed open the door with a relieved sigh, shoulders slumping as she stepped inside noticing the computers were empty. The quiet solace of the library was a welcome change from the chaos of practice. 

A moment of peace, a moment to herself for once that day. No pressure from her teachers, classmates, teammates, Jeff, Jackie. She could finally breathe.

Her thoughts were spiralling into a massive dark hole all focused solely on her green eyed friend. She was probably sitting at home, up in her perfectly pink bedroom with her powerbook in her lap, messaging Jeff and giggling and falling in love and falling away from her. 

Far away from Shauna’s clutches. Far away from the safety of their duo. Jackie and Shauna. 

Soon it would be Jackie, Jeff, and Shauna.

Maybe it would just be Jackie and Jeff with no Shauna. 

She had never been Just Shauna. 

Jackie had always been there. 

She grabbed the desktop pc she had been using earlier, used to its mouse and keyboard. A newfound solace. 

As she waited for the beast of technology to fire up and loudly connect to the modem, she clicked the large white space bar, willing the machine to hurry up so she could settle her worries. 

Get her thoughts in before Jackie was lost to her forever. 

AOL soon graced her eyes as she typed in her username but had to restart as she mistyped everything. Her index fingers slowly typing each letter as her eyes scanned the keyboard, not yet used to the layout. She hoped she would get faster with more use of it. 

She then made a mental note to start taking another five dollars from her gas allowance to save up and buy her own pc. That would trump Jeff Sadecki and his stupid pc. 

Once AOL was opened on the homepage she realised she never got Jackie’s username. 

She could only wait for Jackie to add her. It was hopeless. 

Who was she kidding? Jackie wouldn’t remember her when she would be too busy waiting for Jeff. 

Her eyes remained fixed on the screen, an emptiness consuming her thoughts as thoughts as they spiralled out of control. She fought desperately to stem the tide of emotions threatening to engulf her, but when it came to Jackie, those defences were fragile at best.

Did Jackie not care? She hadn’t even bothered to add her, but she knew that she probably had the time to add Jeff. 

She chastised herself for ever granting Jackie that screenname, a decision that now haunted her, it was like a nagging feeling that she should’ve refused to do it for Jackie, but when did Shauna ever say no to Jackie? Or even better, she should’ve made up some excuse that Jeff didn’t have one. 

She wrestled with the internal conflict of not wanting to hurt Jackie, maybe she cared too much. The thought of causing her any harm weighed heavily on her conscience. Why should she care? Why should she live in that moment? 

If Jackie wanted to hurt Shauna, she could. 

As her anxiety swelled, it clawed its way into her throat, constricting it and making her lip quiver in nervous anticipation. 

Questions raced through her mind like a whirlwind. Would Jackie go through the same effort to get Shauna's screen-name if she didn’t give it? 

She couldn’t stop thinking about Jackie and Jeff. Would they have those late-night conversations about their future at 4am, like the ones she and Jackie shared during sleepovers? The thought of Jackie falling in love should fill her with joy for her friend, but instead, it stirred a complex mix of emotions. 

Part of her wanted to feel that level of love and emotion, to be wholly attached to someone. Jeff would fall for Jackie, how couldn’t he? Yet, for now, she knew she’d find herself merely observing from the sidelines, living vicariously through them. 

To love someone without caution. 

A bitter smile played across her lips, and she couldn’t help but mutter under her breath, “Whatever, Jackie.” 

She reached for the mouse, her fingers dragging it across the table with a sense of determination. Home. She wanted to go home. Her cursor hovered over the “sign out” button, a small act of defiance that felt empowering. 

Just as she was about to click, the screen emitted an unexpected, grating sound that was almost like a door creaking open. Her brown eyes widened in surprise, her gaze immediately drawn to the new pop-up that materialised on her screen. 

At the top of the box, the words “yellowjackets9 - Instant Message” was highlighted, and a beep resonated through the silence, signalling her arrival. 

Jackie.

 “Yellowjackets9 has signed in” 

Staring at the screen, a whirlwind of thoughts swirled through her mind. What should she say? What could she possibly say in this unexpected moment?

She should be angry. Angry that Jackie left. Her eyes shifted to the keyboard in front of her, fingers poised over it, ready to type a response. Before she could decide on her words, another beep emanated from the screen

Yellowjackets9: Heyyy :)

Her gaze remained fixed on the smiley face that had been included in her message, a silent inner battle raging within her. 

Don’t do it, Shauna. Don’t. She cautioned herself, but her lips betrayed her intentions as they curved into a gentle smile. She shouldn’t have been jumping to conclusions. 

BigMouthStrikes: Heyyy Jackie :) 

Yellowjackets9: how did you know it was me?

BigMouthStrikes: 9 is your jersey number 

Yellowjackets9: you knew that?

BigMouthStrikes: Of course I did

Yellowjackets9: Awh, that’s sooo sweet :) How are you today?

BigMouthStrikes: I’m okay, I’m feeling a little bit tired 

Yellowjackets9: Oh noo! :( Long day?

BigMouthStrikes: Practice always has me beat. How was your day?

Yellowjackets9: It was okay

Yellowjackets9: But getting to talk to you now? I think it’s looking much better :) 

Staring at Jackie's words on the screen, she couldn’t help but feel a warmth spreading within her. The smile that graced her lips was genuine and wide, it was a reassuring feeling to know that she was wanted

BigMouthStrikes: I’m glad you added me

Yellowjackets9: Of course I would, silly x

BigMouthStrikes: What are you doing right now?

Yellowjackets9: Just talking to you :) 

BigMouthStrikes: Only me?

Yellowjackets9: Who else?? What are you doing right now?

BigMouthStrikes: Talking to you

Yellowjackets9: Jinx. What’s your screen-name mean?

BigMouthStrikes: It’s a song by the Smiths 

Yellowjackets9: Oh! The Smiths! I love them

Since when did Jackie like.. nevermind love the Smiths? She’d get into the car with her smug grin, hitting the radio to turn it off because it’s "too depressing".

BigMouthStrikes: Since when? 

Yellowjackets9: Since forever

BigMouthStrikes: I didn’t know you liked the Smiths?

Yellowjackets9: There’s a lot you don’t know about me x

The first time she could excuse. The second was definitely not a mistake. Should she write one back? She didn’t know but all she knew was, her stomach turned at the idea of Jackie sending her an ‘X’. 

The same ‘X’ that she had signed every message with an ‘X’. Like with X's and O's from when they were kids, sending each other Valentine's Day cards. 

Letting each other know that X's and O's were kisses and hugs and you only ever sent them if you really liked a person or they were very special to you. 

BigMouthStrikes: Like what? x

Yellowjackets9: Won’t you have to keep talking to me to find out? x

BigMouthStrikes: I’m listening

Yellowjackets9: Why don’t you message me tomorrow to find out x

BigMouthStrikes: Maybe I will

Yellowjackets9: I know you will. I better go and get started on maths :( Must be nice to be good at it! Haha

BigMouthStrikes: You’re good at other things x

Yellowjackets9: I wish x I’ll talk to you tomorrow, won’t I?

BigMouthStrikes: Of course you will

Yellowjackets9: Night!

BigMouthStrikes: Goodnight Jackie

Yellowjacket9: Sleep tight Jeff :) x

Yellowjackets9 has signed out

Talking to Jackie was like - wait- Jeff. Wait. JEFF? No. This wasn’t happening. It hit her like a sudden storm, and she slumped in her chair, her posture shifting into a defeated slouch. 

Her gaze remained fixated on the one word on the screen that bothered her “Jeff.” She now knew that Jackie didn’t realise that she wasn’t talking with Jeff, it was just her. The entire misunderstanding churned her stomach, filling her with a sense of queasiness. 

She couldn’t help replaying the messages over and over, each typed word, every little “X” which was a symbolising affection, all of it… all of it was meant for Jeff.

She's been hurt before but this, this hurt the most. She’d tell her. She’d tell her tomorrow, wouldn’t she? A part of her was curious, a desire to uncover the depths of Jackie Taylor feelings and thoughts, the part of her that always seemed hidden and unknown. 

Her hands found their way to her cheeks, her elbows resting against the table as she gazed ahead, lost in her own thoughts. The library’s quiet was suddenly interrupted by a loud gasp. A voice cutting through the silence, unmistakable and equally aggravating. Misty Fucking Quigley. 

“Shauna Shipman! Weird seeing you without Jackie. What are you doing here? Are you signing up for AV Club?” Without Jackie. That stung like salt in a wound. 

“Hey Misty. AV Club? Since when do we have an AV club?” Shauna questioned as she was flustered after talking to Jackie. She desperately needed something to divert her thoughts. It looked like it was going to be Misty Quigely.

“Since when did we have An AV Club” Misty repeated in a teasing tone before her laughter faded, and she regarded Shauna with a puzzled expression. Was Shauna being serious right now?

“It’s been five months now, Shauna! You don’t remember the flyers? I made them and hung them up myself. I even asked Jackie if I could talk about it in the locker room! I think the girls are too busy; none of them signed up, yet” 

Misty mention of the flyers triggered a sudden recollection in Shauna’s mind. Her eyes widened as the memory resurfaced. She nodded slowly, piercing it all together. 

Those obnoxious illuminated yellow and green flyers – that wasn’t said lighty. They were absolutely everywhere, plastered on every locker, even in the toilet stalls. 

She vividly remembered Jackie tearing one of them down from her locker, her expression a mix of disbelief and irritation followed with a “What the fuck is this crap?”

“Yeah…the flyers,” Shauna mumbled in response, her memory now fully jogged.

However, no recollection of Misty promoting the AV Club in the locker room ever came to her. They all listen to Misty as much as they listen to Laura Lee’s prayer – that is to say, not at all.

“I knew you’d remember, Shauna. Are you interested?”

“Not right now, Misty.”

“Can I help you with anything, Shauna? I’m handsfree until the boys come! Got a whole gang for AV club ready to come in soon. I’m going to need your pc, just incase”

“Um…I was about to go anyway, hold on. Let me try to turn this off” She grumbled as she went to move the mouse but it didn’t move on the screen, she clicked hard for a second as she roughly tried to move it as the curly blonde stared at her, she almost danced over to Shauna.

“No no! Misty! I’ve got this!” She stated but before she knew it, Misty was standing beside her with a soft smile as she lifted the mouse up out of Shauna’s hand, pulling a piece of lint from the scanner/button/etc she put down with a thud.

“Now! All fixed-” Misty began before her eyes met Shauna’s screen, she had never wanted the world to swallow her as much as she did in this very moment. 

Shauna shut her eyes firmly before she heard Misty read out the final line “Sleep tight, Jeff. Jeff? As in Jeff Sadecki? Wait…Isn’t that.. Isn’t that Jackie? Are you talking to Jackie…as…as” Misty began to piece the puzzle together. 

As much as Shauna disliked the girl, she knew she wasn't stupid. 

“It’s not what it looks like”

“You’re talking to Jackie as Jeff.”

“The screennames just…they got jumbled up, Misty. I-I’m going to fix it tomorrow morning, it’s not a big deal. It was just…please don’t tell, I need to be the one to tell her.”

“Well, Shauna. Here’s the thing. I’m not going to tell Jackie because why would I..but who would I actually tell? I…but..but..if you’re going to ask something of me, I need to ask something of you,” Misty explained, and Shauna couldn’t help but frown. 

Was Misty Fucking Quigely reallytrying to blackmail her? Jackie couldn’t even imagine this. Scratch that. 

“What do you want, Misty?”

“I’m gonna need you…need you just to..” She began as she slowly pushed the clipboard she was holding firmly against her chest onto the table, sliding it across to Shauna along with a pen that rocked back and forth. 

There were only three names on the clipboard, one of them being Misty, the other with the last name also ending in Quigley, and then a random person – three members. Misty was kicking her out of a library with eight computers for three people.

“I’m going to need you to sign up for AV.”

“You want me to join the AV club? Is this a joke?”

“No, it’s not! I really need you to do this for me, Shauna! We can’t make the yearbook with just three members. You need a minimum of four. You’d be our fourth! We can make it into the yearbook; we could actually have a photo…I could actually have a photo as the AV captain, just like Jackie has with Yellowjackets. Please,” Misty explained desperately, but Shauna had no other choice. 

She reluctantly grabbed the pen and scribbled her name down. Misty’s face lit up, and she wrapped her arms around Shauna in a hug that caught her off guard.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

“Don’t mention it..really..please don’t mention it,” Shauna mumbled quietly as Misty let her go. Misty leaned forward, she moved the mouse to the sign out button, clicking it firmly with a  mischievous smile on her lips.

“Nothing to see here,” she said with a wink, and Shauna couldn’t help but feel her stomach twist. Misty knowing her secret was her worst nightmare. Today couldn’t get worse.

Hearing the door open, Shauna felt her face flush with embarrassment as she hastily grabbed her bag. Her gaze shifted to a slender boy with matching wild curly blonde hair, accompanied by another boy with pimples who stood closely beside him

“Hey Gang! Meet Shauna Shipman, our newest member! Our Fourth! May the Fourth be with you, Shauna! Or should I say the fourth is with us” Misty chimed out, and Shauna only wished that she’d drop dead. 

Grabbing her bag firmly, she attempted to stand up, only to hear a collective “Oh god” from the boys. It seemed she was even too geeky for the geeks.

“How did she rope you in, Shauna?” The blonde boy called out, causing Shauna’s lips to tighten.

“I’ll have you know, Shipman is part of the Yellowjackets, THE Yellowjackets! She wanted to make sure we got into the yearbook this year. Can we get a round of applause?” Misty began, but instead of an applause, there was only Misty clapping. 

Shauna went to walk but Misty caught her again

“Shauna, before you go! Did you know I’m a magician”

“What, Misty?”

“I said, did you know I’m a magician?”

“No.”

“Watch this.” Misty closed her eyes, raised her hand inches from the computer, and wiggled her fingers like a magician would do when they’re hypnotising someone. 

She added, “When I say ‘sleep’ you will fall right asleep.” Shauna didn’t even know how to react. She wished she could tell Jackie, she would’ve done anything to share whatever she was witnessing.

“Sleep!” Misty yelled out, leaning forward to press the sleep button on the computer, and it turned off. But there was no laughter, everyone was silent.

“That’s so lame, Misty!” One of the boys yelled out

“You’re embarrassing us,” the other added. Shauna held her breath, her eyes on Misty, who looked down at the ground. Biting the inside of her mouth, Shauna finally spoke up

“I thought it was cool, Misty. I’ve gotta go now, though. I have homework to catch up on,” Shauna added, trying to diffuse the awkward situation. Misty smiled widely at her, watching her walk away. “See you at next week's session AV bestie!”

“See! Shauna thought it was cool!” Misty then added, turning to the boys. 

“She’s only saying that!” one of them said, as Shauna reached the doors of the library. 

“No, she isn’t!” 

After today, Shauna couldn’t help but wonder how she was ever going to face tomorrow.

#yellowjackets #yellowjackets fanfic #shauna x jackie #shauna shipman #jackie taylor #yellowjackets fanfiction #shauna yellowjackets #yjweek2023 #yellowjackets showtime #shaunajackie #jackie x shauna #shauna sadecki #jackieshauna #misty quigley #misty yellowjackets #van palmer #yellowjackets van #shauna shipman x jackie taylor

[ariariari-freehounreal]

I was thinking about instead of Barney being extroverted and stuff he’s like reluctantly social and he’s actually introverted but no one really gets it and just thinks he’s kinda weird and when he starts being friends with Gordon he becomes kinda codependent and clingy and so does Gordon bc they just understand each other on another level and Barney kinda forgets to talk to other people and so everyone’s like bro wtf and he’s like errrrmmm idk sorry whoops and and and

Sorry.

Tldr: Gordon and Barney are autistic and Barney is secretly very introverted to the point that people around him are like tf

Also I made them silly shaped bc I didn’t feel like putting effort into their anatomy

#barney calhoun #gordon freeman #half life #freehoun #half life fanart #half life 2 #hl2 #half life 1 #hl1 #pre resonance cascade #pre rescas #autism‼️ #Lincoln quote #Smokey eyes #are you feeling good #for now you’re here with me #seems like we’ve waited long enough #for someone else to make us feel complete

[hlvraik]

pre-Hlvrai Bubby headcanons?

Bubby is purely responsible for making their tube indestructible and impossible to escape. Every time Bubby escaped, they made the glass of their tube studier and sturdier, to the point where it's now impossible to break out of.

Additionally, because they escaped their tube and led the team of researchers on a wild goose chase throughout the facility, MULTIPLE TIMES, they know Black Mesa like the back of their hand. These chases would eventually come to an end when they got stuck in a vent, forcing the researchers to fish them out with a broom.

Bubby's first and current pair of glasses were bought by Coomer. (He got their prescription by sneaking into the lab after hours to retrieve their files.) Beforehand, Bubby would either simply allow themselves to casually bump into things or steal other people's glasses, no matter how nearsighted or farsighted they might be.

Bubby and Gordon actually met before the entire resonance cascade. Gordon and Coomer would always say their goodbyes before leaving for work, and Bubby would always trail alongside Coomer. They may have only exchanged greetings once, as Gordon would usually stared awkwardly while Bubby simply scowled at them.

Bubby was aware of the prototypes from a young age, as researchers threatened to throw Bubby at them if they didn't behave. Of course, it was a hollow threat, because not only was Bubby the closest thing to a perfect lifeform, but Black Mesa had already spent a lot of money on the project.

Bubby having pyrokinesis wasn't intended. Nobody knows how they have the ability, but they love it because it's rad as fuck. (solely responsible for setting off Black Mesa's fire sprinklers every once in a while.)

They have a higher body temperature than normal thanks to their pyrokinesis, leading to them sometimes being hot to the touch under circumstances.

Not only do they wear sweaters because they're able to insulate heat, but they're cozy, and they have a sense of fashion, unlike somebody beginning with a Gordon and ending with Freeman.

#hopefully this is enough lol #hlvrai #headcanons #bubby #dr.bubby #hlvrai bubby #half life vr but the ai is self aware #half life vr self aware ai #half life vr ai

[theancientdarkbeauty]

💚🦈- Blood, Garnet, Scarlet, Wine, Lipstick and Poppy

Alright, first, I’ll do Tera, my Half Life OC. The quick background on her is that she is a biochemical engineer who was testing the Biology Department’s HEV suit when the Resonance Cascade happened, and thus survived by pure accident. Being Australian however, she was able to hold her own against the space Australians. You don’t run into her during the game because the Military slit her throat thinking she was Freeman, but she survived! Barely! With the help of GMan and some science (and morphine from the suit). Anyways, onto the ask game

Blood- what would she do if she saw a stranger’s corpse: originally, pre rescas, depending on the place, she would’ve panicked. Whose body is this, what killed them, am I in danger as well? That kinda stuff. Unless it was like a funeral she accidentally got invited to (she would go to see if she knew anyone there and if she didn’t she would apologies) post ResCas, probably after stasis, legit that would’ve been just par for the course. Unless it had a Headcrab on it. Then she would stab the Headcrab (she hates those things)

Garnet- if they had to kill someone, what method would they choose: the most quick and painless way possible. Not a stranger to mercy kills after the rescas, she has found that shooting someone in the soft part right between the skull and the neck on the back of the head is the least painful and most sure fire way to kill someone, aiming up thru the skull ofc. If she didn’t have a gun on her tho she would snap their neck.

Scarlett- how does she grieve: She used to get real quiet, cuts herself off from people, silently reflect on times she had with the person. However, after the rescas, most all of her friends had already died, and she was in Europe now instead of America or Australia, so she just assumed that her family was dead, so she forced herself to channel the pain and grief into rage, helping her get through her rather extraneous circumstances. She really just needs a hug and a good cry smh

Wine- How does she act when she’s drunk: She’s a happy drunk, but is also a heavyweight. Think of it like Brooklyn 9-9’s “# drink Amy” system. She gets real fun (a little loud) for the first 5 drinks. After 5 shit hits the fan, but she knows her limits. (She gets really competitive at drink 7 is the problem)

Lipstick- What is her love language: she is probably physical affection and quality time. Poor girl didn’t have the time to spend with people to fell fulfilled in a relationship before the rescas, and probably never will again.

Poppy- Does she believe in a god: After meeting up with Gordon after the rescas, he told her about the Nihalinth, and so she believes in some sort of higher being, but not probably the Christian god. She is a woman of science after all.

Time for Jaws! You all know Jaws (hopefully) but if you don’t, they are this crime gremlin I made for Payday. Common traits among all Jaws are: extensive scarring, multiple mental disorders, propensity for explosives. But the main point is just they’re a crime gremlin

Blood- what would they do if they saw a stranger’s corpse: they probably put it there. If it’s a civilian, they’d probably swear a lot because that’s coming out of my paycheck but otherwise they would just leave it there, bc they don’t want their finger prints on the scene

Garnet- if they had to kill someone, what method would they choose: shoot them. Or stab them. They aren’t above murder, they do it often. Chemical weapons are also fun, but they aren’t allowed to use them anymore after the Safehouse accidentally got filled with mustard gas that one time

Scarlet- how do they grieve: violently. Lots of murder, lots of stealing. At the Safehouse, where they can’t lash out violently, they have this thing called a “stab pillow”, it’s a throw pillow they started stabbing when they were mad. Also they have their dogs for emotional support (Rexy and Tatsuya my beloved)

Wine- how do they act when they’re drunk: they mellow out a lot actually! Get really tired, but also usually have enough energy to play like drinking games and stuff. Very much a lightweight.

Lipstick- What is their love language: they are aroace, but with their “family”, it’s quality time. They just like being in the presence of people (they aren’t physically affectionate but very touch starved so think of them like a cat on occasion)

Poppy- do they believe in a god: no. God abandoned them.

Anyways that was for both Jaws and Tera hope everyone is doing good! (Sorry if topics got a little dark both of them come from dark source materials)

#payday 3 #payday 2 #payday #payday oc #oc questions #character asks #half life #half life OC #I love all my children dearly this was fun pls keep asking me things!!

[eluvisen]

A6 Cascade?

Cascade is the longfic I've been plugging away at for the last few months. It wasn't supposed to be this long, but I played myself yet again. Originally each chapter was going to be one pre-coup scene followed by a post-coup scene with thematic resonance, but I had an uneven number of pre- and post- scenes and the pre-coup ideas took on a life of their own (and they became their own oneshots).

Anyway Neph and Vexx live rent free in my head now.

The storage compartment is small, made smaller by haphazard stacks of boxes pushed to either side. Vexx sits with his back to the far wall, one wrist resting on a raised knee, as casual as she’s ever seen him during their trips to Gold District. A hot, sick feeling rises inside her at the sight. Something makes her step over the threshold. The door snaps shut at her back, cutting off the rectangle of light that slants across the floor. Vexx’s eyes gleam in the gloom. “Oh, goody. They sent in my last meal already.” She thinks of Queen Lucrezia—as radiant as the dawn, the burning centre around which all life orbited, too brilliant and terrible to behold with bare eyes. Queen Ta’jean—a pillar of silent dignity, as cold and eternal as the vastness of hard vacuum. Her mother—a ghost of reflected light, untouchable by mortal hands and mortal hearts, luminous when she chose to shine. Nephien isn’t made in their image, but she has to try. “Vexx, please.” She speaks with infinite patience, as if this were nothing more consequential than the sandwich fillings at one of the Solar Queen’s high teas. “You had countless opportunities to kill me…” Now her voice drops, silk hiding steel. “And you didn’t take a single one.” He’s watching her now, silent and wary. Nephien spreads her hands. “If you’d like to try, then go ahead. I’m yours.”

#nephien peg'asi #she does NOT forgive vexx as quickly as traveller does in game

[this-should-do]

Firstly, here is a link to the song so y’all can listen to it because it is so good: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWIjavxGNcc

Also tagging you @peepaw-william-says because you so kindly expressed interest in me writing this analysis essay yesterday :]

and fair warning everyone, its another long one, that once again is mostly uneditted aside from spelling and grammar lol and a few additions and removals :3 but this aint a school essay so i think im okay

Before I analyze the lyrics of Breathe, Desperately by From Indian Lakes, I want to quickly address how it creates tone through pacing and its instrumentals and how this applies itself to my interpretation in regards to Gordon, Barney, and their relationship during Half Life 2.

The song uses reverb heavily in this song, you can hear it far more easily on what I think might be the guitar, bass guitar, and the likely synthetic vocalizations. This reverb in music for me tends to lend itself to more nostalgic and dreamy tone which on a bass level is two tones that play a role in how I conceptualize Barney and Gordons relationships. Nostalgia is the far more important of the two concepts given the very obvious elephant in the room that is the 20-year time gap between 1 and 2. Nostalgia on Barney’s end plays two roles; first in between the the 1st and 2nd games and second during Half Life 2. Nostalgia for Gordon is simpler with only one main role.

In between the two games, as I’ve discussed in previous posts, barney develops a heavily modified view of Gordon based on the best memories he has of Gordon and the negative ones are warped into positive ones and therefore softened. So, Gordon ends up being one of his main feel-good thoughts he goes to for peace during the occupation, something he’s nostalgic for. Then during the second game once Gordon comes back, barney is forced to reconcile the heavily nostalgic and rosy memory of Gordon with the real Gordon, who outwardly, for the most part, has come to embody the worst of his attributes combined with an entirely new attitude borne of all the trauma he’s endured. This is a painful wakeup call for barney because for him, he has this figure representing most of what he misses about pre-combine earth come to life and its nothing like what he remembers for obvious reasons. So now he cant really look to this memory he has of Gordon because the real thing is in front of him and it feels wrong to fantasize over a fictional (not that he really realized it) version of his best friend now that he’s alive again, so not only is his main coping memory metaphorically taken away, he’s having to deal with the highly traumatized real life counterpart, which brings its own bag of sorrows.

For Gordon, nostalgia for a time before isn’t something he allows himself to think about often or really has the chance to, its more of a moment of weakness when everything has come crashing down around him and there’s nothing else to occupy himself with. But when he’s forced to unpack everything around the time gap, he too is faced with his memory of barney (and everyone else he knew) vs how they are now. Gordon’s memory of barney is far more accurate than barney’s memory of Gordon, but the real-life barney differs about as much as Gordon does to barney’s memory. Barney has outward changed far more than Gordon has, he’s lived 20 more years than Gordon has all while under constantly traumatic circumstances. He inwardly has 20 years of experience as well as 20 years of trauma. So even if he outwardly can almost act the same as he did before the Resonance Cascade, there’s still something always off about his actions that set off a bell in Gordon’s head, making Gordon’s nostalgia vs reality more subtle than barney’s but harder to root out because of it.

The dreaminess of the song also plays a role. Its far more general but, overall, it feels like it can represent both the fading of memories due to the passage of time, the haziness of memories due to trauma, and the haziness of the present moment during traumatic events.

Now to address the lyrics of the song, Ill be breaking down the song into parts, with a section about the lyrics that represent barney, the lyrics that represent Gordon, the lyrics that represent both of them, and the lyrics that represent their relationship.

Barney embodies the first two verses of the song:

I was once a quiet boy

Cleaning out my wounds but I

Never could keep my mouth shut

When I needed to

I could try to pry it loose

But the stone won’t move

And I wanna try to rip it out

But I’ve grown to love this thing too much

These lyrics tell us a little about barney’s learned inability to express his genuine thoughts and feelings unless under extreme duress. This is a characterization of him that I developed as an in-universe way to explain his overly casual and humorous persona in such a dystopian world (according to the developer commentary in episode 1, barney is written this way as a call back to the dark humor of the first game and isn’t given much more character other than that). I feel that this issue for him developed by early middle school at the latest from bullying by other boys and his brothers for being soft and expressing his thoughts and emotions (an idea that developed later than other parts of my characterization of him because of my class about American Masculinity im taking this semester).

This is a concept reinforced by the first verse, where it is the speaker reflecting on their younger self being quiet (an adjective normally associated with boys when they are more gentle and easy going compared to other more “masculine” boys) and having to clean their wounds (in this interpretation, earned from being bullied) and never being able to shut up when they needed to (interpreted here as him being earnest in his thoughts and feelings, a typically “un-masculine” thing to do). The phrasing of the verse also implies that this inability to “keep his mouth shut” is something he only experienced in the past, furthering the narrative I am proposing.

Now in the present during the second verse, the speaker discusses wanting to try to be able to talk about how they feel and what they think but they cant. They’ve stopped up that well very effectively to the point that they can no longer open it again. And even though they want to open it again they are also in conflict with themselves because they grown so attached to the rock that they’ve used to stop their emotions well. For Barney the rock is his casual humorous persona, which he uses to shield and obscure any form of vulnerability by the time he’s finished with middle school. And obscuring his emotions and thoughts is an incredibly useful tool in is repertoire during the combine’s occupation, especially when he’s working as a spy in the CP. So even though this coping mechanism obviously damages his ability to make and maintain close relationships with other people, it’s something he’s grown fond of because it firstly protects him from harm from the average relationship but its also a tool of survival under the combine. But it gets even more complicated when Gordon’s back, one of the only people he’s ever felt truly close to come back and now that he’s lost the true closeness over the past 20 years he finds himself unable to even begin to breach the gap between them due both to his own hardened emotional shield and Gordon’s own guarded emotions.

Gordon embodies the third verse:

Have I become the man I hated once

Or have my thoughts become clouded

By things I used to fear the most?

And is my heart full of the ashes I heard about?

Have I become the missing person

I’ve been trying to get you all to forget?

The first line in the speaker self-reflecting about how they’ve changed, and realizing they might’ve changed for the worse, into something that they hated once upon a time, and don’t seem to now but might still. And the second and third lines are them wondering if they’ve not changed but the world around them (particularly those that are frightening). This corresponds to how I view Gordon; I feel that before the Resonance Cascade, he was really rather non-violent, he didn’t enjoy violence (outside of fiction anyways). But after, violence has become his go to solution for most things, and his preferred solution because it’s simple and tends not to leave loose ends. It’s how he’s survived so long. But I feel like he also hates that it’s what he’s become, a creature of violence and little else. But the second and third lines are almost more meta than anything else, discussing whether or not Gordon as a person has truly changed in face of everything or if he’s only acting in self-defense.

The fourth line is about Gordon and his ability to feel and love others again. With the heart obviously representing said ability to love and the ashes being the fallout and trauma of everything he’s been through making it difficult to feel safe enough to trust anyone around him. This line is particularly strong for me because it immediately brought to mind gman telling Gordon to “wake up and smell the ashes.”

The final two lines are probably the furthest from literal and hardest to parse because the implications of the speaker being the one to try to get people to forget them, which doesn’t match up with how Gordon is able to act once he comes back in Half life 2. But if interpret them as internal thoughts on Gordon’s part as opposed to how he acts outwardly, it makes more sense. So, obviously Gordon being a missing person lines up incredibly well given his disappearance in between half-life 1 and 2 and the mythos that ends up building around him turning into the missing person as opposed to Gordon himself. And this “missing person” applies to both the general public and barney, as both end up turning Gordon into an icon in their own ways with the rebels viewing him as this messiah and barney viewing him as a perfect person, and both of these expectations weigh heavily on Gordon when he starts picking up on them and he desperately wishes they would stop treating him like he is more than he really is.

Barney and Gordon’s relationship, or at least how they are able to interact given the many, many circumstances, during Half-life 2 is represented by the chorus (this is ignoring the lead up which is grouped with the fourth verse):

We breathe so desperately

As if it’s the only thing we need

And we don’t care if it’s not

Breathing honestly

We’re burning out lungs with it

And we don’t care

We don’t care at all

The chorus is the speaker speaking of his relationship with another person where breathing is a metaphor for speaking. They (the speaker and unnamed other person) interact with each other on a surface level and not being able to get closer on a deeper level but both act as if it’s all they don’t need that deeper connection. The speaker also acknowledges in the 3rd and 4th lines that neither they nor the other person that (at the very least) they both don’t care if anything they breathe is a false pretense or lie even if it hurts to know that evidenced by the 5th line. The 6th and 7th line both reiterate that neither party cares.

In the context of barney and Gordon, this chorus tells us that during half life 2, they both are never able to feel the deep connection that they had before everything happened no matter how hard either of them wish they did. The only way they are able to interact is almost exclusively in situations that ensure that they never get the time to connect and break down the heavy mental and emotional guards they both have. But they both hold onto those surface level) interactions (often under duress as the only level of connection they’ll ever have so they are desperate for it but neither can say they want more so they act as if its all they need. Neither acts like they care that everything they say is a front and never what they really want to say. They both act like the loss of closeness doesn’t hurt and that feeling like strangers again doesn’t hurt them, even though its almost on purpose that they don’t try to get closer. So therefore, the last two lines end up feeling like for barney and Gordon, they’re not the truth but instead affirmations to try to convince themselves that that’s what they really feel. It makes almost the whole chorus a lie, saying that they don’t care about each other, just another lie to burn their lungs with. But they do care incredibly much, but at the same time, they don’t care. They don’t care that they can’t get closer because they don’t have the time to care, they don’t have time to think about how much they miss each other, there’s a war going on. They don’t care that not having the time to reconnect hurts because they cant. They care but at the same time they cant afford to care, so they don’t care.

The chorus lead up and fourth verse are lyrics that apply to both Gordon and barney as individuals:

Chorus lead up (note, this is an approximation as there are different people saying different things about what the actual lyrics are):

Buried alive now, buried alive now,

Buried alive now, cover your eyes now

This part of the song doesn’t give us much in terms of how it fits into the song’s narrative separate from my interpretation of how it fits barney and Gordon, so instead I will jump directly into my application to them. To put it simply, this part of the song is about how both barney and Gordon have had to bury their person hood and emotions deep down into themselves in order to protect themselves and survive.

For barney this starts as early as childhood to protect himself from bullying for being soft and goes even further as he has to act the part of the machine as a CP, where he also has to push down his individuality and humanity lest he be discovered as a mole. For Gordon its more recent during the Resonance cascade where he has to push down anything not strictly survival related in order to make it out alive, which continues on during half life 2, having to mantle this heroic persona that has developed in his 20-year absence. And the lyric “cover your eyes now” is explaining how burying their person hood and taking on these far more resilient personas is like covering their eyes in the face of danger, something that is an action of self-protection seen in childhood but ultimately if something is really a danger, it doesn’t do much to protect you, telling us that the personas that both Gordon and barney put on don’t do much in the long run to protect themselves from emotional hurt.

Fourth verse:

When you breathe the air

It tastes like medicine

And overwhelming days

Are nothing that I can’t hide

When you walk alone you think such foolish things

And so disappointed we are

With no one around to love

This verse is the speaker talking about the isolation that they and the unnamed other person feel without being able to connect to one another, the most obvious evidence of this is the last two lines, blatantly stating that they are disappointed by not being able to love someone else. Its further evidenced by the first two lines where even the air is sour and nasty. The isolation this verse exudes is made worse when looking at the 3rd and 4th lines where the speaker talks about hiding their own negative feelings, likely because they have no one to talk to about them.

In regard to Barney and Gordon during Half-life 2, the initial assessment of the meaning of this verse holds true, they both have to walk alone in their paths, isolated from others and each other, having to push past their pain to move forward. This verse is also far more depressing for barney and Gordon, I feel, as they aren’t just not able to communicate with each other, often times they literally are physically alone, especially Gordon, throughout the games. Barney, while physically surrounded by people, is still alone as he likely spends most of the time still undercover in a dangerous environment where one misstep could lead to his discovery.

The one line I neglected to address in my initial analysis of this verse is the line where the speaker mentions how when you’re alone you think foolish things. This line could mean a multitude of things, it could be about a generalized “foolish thing” or it could be directed to either the previous or following lines, either calling thinking that you can always hide your feelings foolish or that being disappointed when you have no one to love foolish. Or it could be saying both are foolish. I choose to interpret it as addressing both the previous and following lines. However, I also believe that the two lyrics the line could be addressing apply separately to Gordon and barney, with the previous line being more barney centric and the following line being more Gordon centric (however they do still apply to both, don’t get me wrong).

I think that the 3rd and 4th lines apply to barney more directly because a significant personality trait I’ve discussed for him is his consistent hiding and obscuring of his thoughts and feelings, particularly his stronger ones. And Barney for this most part recognizes that he does this (though there are times I believe that he does it unconsciously out of habit for even the simplest of things,) and he recognizes that its unhealthy, he sees how lonely it makes him, but he’s still stuck alone in his head.

With Gordon, one of his main conflicts that I write about is his inability to connect with people and then feeling lonely in the disconnect, even before the resonance cascade, though it was far less pronounced then. But after, he’s so alone all the time, fighting alone, travelling alone, with none to help him for most of his journey and he’s lonely and scared and when someone is there for even the shortest amount of time and then dies or leaves him alone again he’s disappointed, but he constantly admonishing himself over feeling the need to connect, its dangerous to get attached its foolish to want someone there because they’ll die like they have every other time, and it makes connection near impossible.

Further, the first two lines can take on a more literally meaning where instead of the air only seeming to taste bad, it likely literally tastes bad from pollution mainly because I highly doubt the combine cares much for air quality, as long as they get the resources they want from earth, this feeds into the line in the chorus about burning their lungs when they breathe, the air is literally harming them when they try to communicate to each other and its hurts even as they simply exist.

To sum up, this song is about the disconnect that barney and Gordon feel from each other and the people around them for a multitude of universal and personal reasons, and how much they both rely on the disconnect to protect themselves from harm and despise it for how much it hurts.

#ponderingradioactivedecay #i just like tinking about them #honestly analysis of music is prob my fav form of esay to write #even though i didnt get to do it muchin school and a lot of the time i didnt enjoy it #i still enjoyed getting to ake stories about music i listended to i think most of hte reason i didnt enjoy it was cuz i never got to #analyze what i wanted but thats a given with how school makes you think you hate something becuz it doesnt let you do it #in a way u want to lead it #but ye enjoy me reading into music and applying it to my blorbos #iwillspeakincessantly