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adultingautistic · 4 years

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27/09 sorta urgent. (1/3) I highly suspect that I'm autistic and have ad(h)d. My problem is - while I have sorta talked with my parents about it - that one and a half of my stims (that I sometimes allow myself to do in the presents of my parents), is bad for my mom: she has a work colleague that has mental health issues who does this leg bouncing up and down and rocking forth and back (like forwards/backwards?) - this colleague is extreme (from what I've heard) and my mom can't handle me doing

(2/3) this. I don't do it that extreme (well, the leg thing sometimes) and I usually like rocking/swaying from side to side way more (on some chairs, the way I sit, that doesn't work and so I switch it up). I really, really understand that my mom doesn't like to see it (I have met her colleague and heard some stories), but I have no clue what to do.

(3/3) On one side I don't wanna "hurt" mom, but I also want to stim in the space I feel safe (other than alone in my room). Other stims I do, I don't wanna do with people in the room. Since we all have to learn to come to terms with my self-discovery(ies) and yeah. This got kinda long, sorry.

I’m not quite sure I understand your mom’s issue here. She has a work colleague who is displaying neurogivergent behaviors at work, and so she’s uncomfortable with you being neurodivergent at home? That...doesn’t make any sense.

Your mom is dealing with something internally, and it’s making her very sensitive to other people stimming, for whatever reason. Neither you nor her coworker are doing anything wrong, and the fact that she has a coworker who stims is entirely unrelated to you, and your stimming.

I can think of two possible reasons why she might have such extreme sensitivity to the stimming of others.

One, it could be stemming from her own neurodiversity. If you have autism and ADHD, then the chances are higher that your mother does as well. If this is the case, she may be getting Bad Sensory Input from others doing certain kinds of stims- and so her coworker doing it all day sends her into near overload levels, so then when she comes home and you do it as well, she’s at her limit. Or if she has ADHD, stimming may be extremely distracting for her brain, making it hard for her to think and focus. Or it could even be that subconsciously, she needs to stim, but is not allowing herself to, and seeing others doing it causes her more stress.

The second reason is that she might be incredibly ableist, and having to see a neurodiverse person both at her work and in her home may trigger her ableist feelings, and she may be saying whatever she thinks she needs to say in order to stop you from stimming.

Either way, none of that is your fault or your responsibility. You mother having a coworker who stims is not a reason for you to be denied the right to stim in your own home.

If your mother is undiagnosed neurodiverse herself, then your stimming could be what we call “competing needs”. This happens when two neurodiverse people have needs that are in conflict with one another. For example, if one autistic person needs very bright lights to be comfortable, but another gets sensory overload from bright lights, then these two people need to work out a solution that is more complex than just “one of you must suffer.” In that example, perhaps the main lights in the room can be on dimly, but the person who needs bright lights has a reading lamp near them.

Without knowing what’s going on for your mother though, it is hard to have a discussion with her to figure out what it is she truly needs. I don’t know how able she is to discuss the issue, though if you haven’t tried it’s worth it to make the attempt at least once. It may help to have a frank discussion with her about stimming, and explain to her how important it is for the mental health of autistic people, and that both you and her coworker need to do it for your mental health. It may be that she hasn’t drawn the connection that her coworker is only stimming (the fact that she called it ‘mental health issues’ instead of neurodiversity is a big sign there), and that you are only stimming, and it’s not a bad thing at all, but a healthy coping mechanism.

If she is able to have some sort of constructive discussion with you, then you can say you’d like to work with her, to find a solution where you can both feel comfortable in your own home.

If she is not able to have a constructive conversation and shuts you down, then you’re left with two choices- either don’t stim in front of her, or stim in front of her and don’t care. I hope it doesn’t come to that, but either way, neither of those would be a wrong decision. It’s your home and you need to do whatever makes you feel the most comfortable there, whether that’s choosing to stim when she’s not around, or choosing to stim regardless of whether she’s around.

I’m sorry your mother is having such difficult internal issues that are affecting you. You are a really good person for caring so much about her feelings, and that makes you kind. But don’t forget to care about your own needs, as well. Striking the balance between your needs and the needs of others is one of the hardest (and most important) parts of being an adult, and you’re already starting on the right path : )

#actually autistic #actuallyautistic #stimming #competing needs #ask

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allisondraste · 5 years

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Let’s Talk About Cole

Hi! It’s me again with another segment of “Allison Can’t Stop Analyzing Dragon Age Characters.” This time, I am going to be talking about fan favorite Cole. I think it’s relatively universal for people to like Cole and to enjoy his character. People like to draw him, write about him, and just talk about our Fade Friend all the time. It’s great!

However, the nuance of Cole is a little harder to understand, and as with most characters, he often gets reduced down to basic qualities and then those basic qualities are changed ever so slightly that the character starts to not even feel the same anymore. I love Cole, and I have done some research about him in order to write a handful of scenes involving him, so I am just here to share some of the things that helped me out while I was learning about what makes him tick!

Step 1. If you have not read Asunder, I cannot more highly recommend it. It has so much information about Cole’s back story. Also, if you haven’t read Asunder and you don’t want spoilers for Asunder, you should probably go read it and then come back to my post later.

Step 2. The Cole section of this post right here is literally magic. The whole post is magic, but since this is a Cole meta, I’m specifically referring to the Cole piece.

Step 3. Things about Cole that are essential to understanding him:

Cole is Neurodivergent ( and no, it’s not up for debate)

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, “Neurodivergent” is simply a word that describes a person whose mind works and processes information in a way that is considered different from an average joe neurotypical person. Often times neurodivergent is used to describe autism, ADHD, and other conditions that affect neurological development.

Because Cole is a spirit, he processes the world around him differently from non-spirit characters in the Dragon Age Universe. He perceives different things and understands things differently from how other characters might. Cole also has some misunderstandings and misperceptions about human social norms and boundaries, that he becomes more acquainted with over time. It is important to note that this development happens *regardless* of the path chosen for him with regard to Varric V. Solas (I am not a fan of this particular part of his character arc, but I am going to go into that later). The fact that Cole is neurodivergent means that someone who is neurotypical is likely going to have a hard time understanding him and may perceive him as “childish,” “naive,” or “helpless.” They might also have difficulty understanding his speech patterns and especially recreating them if they seek to write him!

Neurodiversity is so important, and Cole is excellent representation, so it’s equally important that we strive to do our research and make sure that we are not removing that representation or presenting neurodiversity in a way that its harmful to others. Different is different, not bad, and certainly not less.

Cole is Not a Child

I mentioned above that there is a tendency to interpret Cole’s neurodiversity as childishness or naivete, and even when it is unintentional, it is an ableistic view point that can be harmful to entire communities of people. There is a pattern (not just in DA fandom, but also in DA fandom) whereby neurodiverse folks are often viewed as children. They’re infantilized and treated as if they are helpless and/or cannot make good decisions on their own. Cole suffers from this as does Merrill (sometimes Sera, too).

For Cole, this situation is not helped by the fact that the game portrays him as helpless and in need of a “father” figure to help him choose his path. Hence we see Solas and Varric arguing on whether Cole should increase is affinity for spirtdom or for humanity. I understand that everyone has their own opinion for what the “better” path for Cole is, and I’m not here to argue that; however, I do think that his arc would have had so much more meaning and been so much less invalidating for neurodivergent people if Cole had the autonomy to make his own decisions. In Asunder, we see Cole being very independent and making his own choices, figuring out who and what he is. At the very end, his very last line in the entire book is, “I’m not helpless anymore.” I don’t think that sounds like a character who cannot make his own decisions.

Fun fact: Cole is designed to be approximately 20 years old, which is the exact same age that Alistair was in Dragon Age: Origins. (While Alistair is also the victim of infantilization… it still puts things into perspective a little bit). In order to avoid the “kid”/child dilemma, it is best to conceptualize some of the things in Cole commonly interpreted as childlike or immature as “newness.” In Inquisition, Cole has only been in the mortal realm for a few years, and he has only been cognizant of the fact that he is not a human, but a spirit of Compassion for even less time. Rather than treating him as a “baby” it is best to treat him as someone who is just learning a new culture, a new world.

Cole is a Spirit of Compassion, Not a Spirit of Matchmaking and/or Meddling in your Personal Affairs.

A trend I see often is Cole as matchmaker, or Cole as interested in every detail of everyone’s sex life or Cole being a filterless vent for whatever the people near him are thinking. It’s easy to assume that about him, as he does comment on a few relationships (Cullenmance, Solavellan, and Bullmance) in particular; however, there is an interesting tidbit of how Cole’s thought reading works located in his banter with Dorian.

Dorian: That little trick, Cole, when you dip into someone's mind and take a drink?

Dorian: Do you choose what you're looking for, or is it random?

Cole: It has to be hurt, or a way to help the hurt. That's what calls me.

Cole: Rilienus, skin tan like fine whiskey, cheekbones shaded, lips curl when he smiles.

Cole: He would have said yes.

Dorian: I'll... thank you not to do that again, please.

Essentially, Cole can only tap into thoughts that are 1.) Painful or 2.) Can help lessen the pain in some way, shape, or form. So, when he accesses thoughts about an LI or something else very personal, he does so to HELP. It is not random. It is not filterless. It is a very pragmatic way to be compassionate. When I was thinking of ways to explain this, the first thing that came to mind was the work that I do as a mental health professional. We are actual practitioners of compassion. It is our job to listen to our clients and help them to solve the problems that are causing them to suffer. We ask a lot of deep questions and probe about a lot of personal things, but it is very targeted. We do not ask intimate questions just out of curiosity or just for the heck of it. It is geared toward the issue at hand. That is exactly what Cole does.

Unless prodding your OC about the details of their sex life is going to make them feel better, he will not bother.

Cole is Not an Innocent, Precious, Little Cinnamon Roll

First of all, that goes along with the infantilization of his character, so it’s just a really ill-considered choice of language to describe him. Second of all, it is simply not true.

I understand that for people who have not read Asunder or played the Champions of the Just questline (and especially people who have done neither) there is very little information about him to judge his character on, and what we do see is a person whose only mission, his sole purpose, is to help the hurt. That does seem very wholesome.

In Asunder, we see a much different side of him. Believing himself to be Cole, a young mage who died of starvation after being forgotten by Templars, Compassion roams about the White Spire in a confused and lonely daze, unaware that he is actually a very powerful spirit. He is called the Ghost of the White Spire, a legend that is terrifying to those that inhabit the tower. Why? Because he murders mages.

If you are thinking “oh, he probably killed them because he felt them suffering and he thought it was the only way to end their misery,” you are thinking exactly as I did, and you would be wrong. While he did target individuals who were despairing, it was not altruistic. He killed them because it felt good when they died, because that was the only time anyone could see him. The way the book describes it, it was almost an “addiction” or a physiological need for him to kill. He was distressed by his actions, but was not able to stop without Rhys’ help.

Over the course of the book, Cole learns more about his past and figures out what he is. He also, through the help of his relationship with Rhys and Evangeline, comes to understand that he does not have to murder people to be seen and remembered. When he is sent to the Fade using the Litany of Adralla, it all finally clicks and he returns to haunt Lord Seeker Lucius, for all the pain and suffering he caused his friends and loved ones. It is such a brilliant character arc and I so wish that we got to see more of it in the game.

Cole is a Person the Entire Time (Human vs. Spirit/Varric vs. Solas be damned)

Regardless of your opinion of Solas, one thing he gets right is in arguing that Cole is already a whole and complete person when he joins the Inquisition. He actually argues for the personhood of all spirits in general, and I think that any reasonable person can look at the spirits (and demons) with whom we have interacted so far and, putting aside feelings about Solas, draw the same conclusions.

Let’s take a look at all of the Spirits/Demons we have had actual interactions with thus far:

Valor

Justice

Compassion

Command

Wisdom

Choice

Desire

Pride

Sloth

Rage

Fear

Envy

While some of these interactions were minimal, each of these entities show qualities that one would associate with personhood. Qualities such as motivation, goals, higher order thought processes, emotions, etc. When we meet Justice in DA:A, he is a thinking, feeling being who longs to right wrongs and comes to care for mortals a great deal. He comes to this conclusion on his own after interacting with his companions in the events of the game. Choice, or Imshael, who we see in The Masked Empire, and in DAI, has such an identity of his own that he does not like to be referred to as a demon. I could go on. These are not mindless, thoughtless creatures, and so viewing them as people just makes sense. This is part of the reason I do not like the Solas vs. Varric questline (aside from the fact that Cole should be able to choose or not choose as he wishes). Cole is already a person, and Varric’s line of thought is not “making him more human,” it is only serving to make him “less compassionate,” and that’s all. He becomes more selfish which is why he is able to have more of his own personal goals (it’s not because he did not have them before; rather, it is because they were drowned out by everyone else’s).

This is not to say that I think Cole should have to forgive his abuser. He shouldn’t. Not unless he wants to, and that choice should be his to make, not Varric’s, not Solas’, and not the Inquisitor’s. I have an opinion as to which path is better, but I’m not going to discuss that here because it will detract from the actual point which is that the language of “human” versus “not human” is just bad and here’s why.

It implies that forgiveness is not a human quality.

It implies that in order to be considered a person, one has to “think” and “do” as everyone else does.

Because of Cole’s romantic/sexual interest in Maryden when Varric’s path is chosen, it implies that lack of romantic/sexual attraction is not “human,” which is aphobic.

Because of his Maryden interest in the “human” path, and because he has “become more human” in his thought processes, it implies that neurodivergent people cannot or are not interested in relationships, which is ableist.

TL;DR: I’m not a fan of that questline. Your mileage may vary.

Finally, and Probably the Reason You Sat Through the Rest of It: Cole’s Speech Pattern!

Cole’s speech is really difficult to capture in a way that is both enough and not too much. It is not as simple as just seeing how much alliteration can fit into a chapter. Sure, Cole uses a lot of alliteration, and it is incredibly fun to play with while writing him; however, his communication is not as simple as that. If you check out the link I shared in Step 2, it will take you to a Character Files reference where there is some information about Cole’s speech pattern that is much more in depth than I am going to go so definitely check it out. When I am writing Cole, I categorize his speech into three different types:

Synesthesia

- the alliteration, the purpley flowery descriptions, the metaphors, the in the moment, no regard for grammar, run on sentence speech he is known for. This comprises most of his dialogue.

Direct thought reading

- when he is actually quoting characters’ thoughts or stating their feelings out right. He might speak as them or he might speak as himself observing them.

Cole’s own thoughts

- Yes, he has them, and he has a lot of them. Many of these show up as his interpretations of and suggestions for others regarding their hurt. However, he also shows a lot of agency of thought. He wants to know if Dorian thinks he’s handsome, he talks about wanting there to be more rabbits in stories because Bunny was Cole’s sister’s name and it reminds him of her. Cole expresses a lot of his own thoughts and feelings if you just take time to listen.

Writing Cole effectively involves a good balance of all three types and I recommend just playing around with it!

To Sum It All Up

Cole is amazing, but he’s also often misunderstood and mischaracterized, and Allison has a lot of feelings about it that you could spare yourself from reading if you do Steps 1 and 2 and skip the middleman. The end!

#dragon age #dragon age inquisition #cole meta #understanding cole #writing reference #my ramblings

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purpleskiesandpaperflowers · 5 years

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Introducing me(us???)?

Ok no that's a terrible freaking title. We are not the jonas brothers.

Who's we? Haha honestly I'm not even sure anymore. This is a hard one to write because I literally don"t tell anyone about my "inner world" which is why I'm keeping my blog anonymous for now .

I guess I'm just a wierd human with a messed up brain that has no reason to be messed up. I'm in the process of figuring it all out .

Long story short "we" is me and my ... I'm not sure what to call them I used to think they were just imaginary freinds , but they have become something so much more real.

I remember being 5 years old and having imaginary freinds like any other child. I cant remember much but I'm pretty sure my home life was perfect. I have an amazing mum and dad and even had two grandparents at the time. I remember happiness and my cat who really wasnt a fan of me , but I adored her regardless , even if she did end up scratching the living hell out of me on many occasions. My main issue at the time was serious separation anxiety, I couldn't handle being away from my parents , it got better towards the end of the school year I think after a lot of spending most of the year screaming until my dad would pick me up. I found it hard making freinds as I was somewhat anti social and liked playing on my own often, but I found a freind in the end. I think we got on so well cause she was different too. Turned out she had Autism, something that I'll probably talk about a lot here. Anyway as I said back then was when I first remember having imaginary freinds , and constantly daydreaming . I used to watch my dad play video games a lot so a lot of my daydreams would be based off the video games . At the time It was perfectly fine. I was just a strange kid who had an over active imagination, zoned out a lot in school , and often enjoyed my own company, but couldn't understand why my peers didnt like the antisocial wierd kid. I remember getting teased as I have a harmless autoimmune skin condition that I developed aged 3 and I felt alienated for it . The serious bullying didnt start until later in primary school though .(I think age 11 or thereabouts, was when shit really hit the fan) Anyway the imaginary freinds were originally just that . Unfortunately things changed when my one freind from school left and moved across the country. I had no freinds so that's where I began to use my imaginary freinds to replace real people. By the time I was 13 I'd almost completely isolated myself , I didnt know how to interact with real people.

I eventually thought I'd got it all under control . I found a group of people that were all a bit wierd. Originally it was cool and I fit in okay.

When I went to sixth form college, stuff started to get weirder though. I'd been struggling throughout secondary school I'd spent a lot of time kind of going back into my alternate reality . Even at freinds parties I used to pretend that I was a different person in my alternate reality doing something with my inner world family. I mentioned it once or twice to someone at CAHMS (The british child mental health services) that I was seeing as I'd struggled a lot with anxiety and self harm , but I never wanted to be fully honest about it . I was embarrassed.

Aged 12 I remember "pretending" to be a character called Casey. At the time I was spending a lot of time pretending I was Kasey and I was making a talk show with my other imaginary freinds . Eventually another character called Paulie took Casey's place .

Paulie's whole existence is kinda embarrassing. They're a typical queer cringe OC That you know a 14 year old neurodivergent weirdo would make up. I kind of originally used them as a way to explore my special interests. And to understand things about the world . In many ways Paulie was kind of a reflection of myself and you know everything was fine . Paulie is a 5ft7 young non binary person . Born male but definitely presents more feminine. Some of the other details about them came from me incorporating things I'd learned from various medical documentaries and things I'd researched on the internet. (One of my special interests always was science , particularly biology, when I was young I wanted to be either a doctor or a vet or something like that. I dont know why I find it so fascinating. It's kind of my party trick - boring people with the details of a random medical condition that they absolutely did not ask for.) I'll go into full details at some point . I find it kind of embarrassing to talk about it all.

Anyway It used to be great we used to pretend to do makeup on our youtube channel that of course did not exist .(the deeper I get into this the more I want to delete my life) it became to the point where I was doing daily "vlogs" in the inner world as Paul , again just something I day dreamed about. It was getting beyond the limits of normal daydreaming.

At some point I came across a video about "Maladaptive daydreaming " for once in my life I didnt feel quite so alone. I couldn't believe that I wasnt the only one who did this! Ever since then I've toyed with the idea of opening up about it , maybe through some sort of blog or youtube video etc. However, I wasn't ready until now. I'm still not ready to be completely open with my freinds and family (the one person who even knows 1/3 of this stuff is my mum) which is why I'll remain anonymous for now .

In the last 2 years things have gotten increasingly more strange and confusing. When I was in sixth form college (british equivalent of high school) Paulie started to be kind of phased out of my daydreams. Then Eric showed up.

Again , it was just daydreaming that had gone a bit too far at this point, however I soon realised that my personality appeared to have changed to become much more like Eric. I stopped wearing makeup so often. I began to feel dysphoric about my body , I began to wish I was Eric.

From then it's just been confusing. It's never just been Paul , Casey or Eric . At first i thought I'd just made an imaginary family. I've been saying that I have literally no idea why because my family are great. But I wonder if it was because I lost my nan and then metaphorically lost my dad.

My dads not dead , hes alive (just about I mean he smokes like a chimney so it's probably only a matter of time) Our relationship is so wierd. I try to be grateful for him purely because hes not a completely bad person. He gave me a great childhood and has never laid a finger on me. But when I was about 13 , I lost him. He became self absorbed in his own past.

Around about that time one of my dads ex freinds died. Since then dads been remembering things from his past and is convinced that this ex freind emotionally abused him and traumatised him for life.

Hes told me the stories so many times because hes so caught up in it that I should probably remember more of what he told me but honestly I think after the third time I just gave up with talking to him. Dad never cares about what you're talking about . He only cares about himself.

I'll spare you the details for now. Maybe I'll make a post about it. I suppose that's his shit not mine though . I dont deny that his ex freind wasnt exactly nice to him and cheated him out of a relationship. But I just feel like he should maybe you know go to therapy rather than sitting at home , freeloading from my mum , mumbling to himself all day about things that happened in the past.

Its very selfish of me because I know even though dads not exactly had the worst life, and he is a little bit of a narcissist who thinks that hes had the worst life possible , I know hes hurting. But I used to have a dad , now hes just not there. We used to do stuff , and I used to adore him, However hes just not my dad anymore. Theres glimmers of him there . But hes so entangled with the past , (and also a bit delusional) that I cant have a normal father daughter relationship with him anymore.

I guess maybe the combo of that , the strain its put on my parents marriage (they're still together but they argue more now) and the fact that I'm a sensitive little snowflake who really cant deal with anything unpleasant, is the reason I created my imaginary family. I don't know if I want to put it down to that though. I feel like that makes me sound like my dad , blaming my problems on what feels like insignificant past events.

Anyway. I kind of hate the fact that I have another family on the inner world. Because even though my dads a bit of an asshat , hes my dad and as a multitude of people have told me " at least you have a dad , at least your parents are still together" and I adore my mum. Like shes as close to a perfect mum as you get in this world. Of course she has off days and it's not always sunshine and rainbows , but shes amazing. She loves me , she supports me through everything and she does so much for me. No matter how many times I screw up she just sighs and helps me move on. Mind you. I havent got anyone quite like her in the inner world.

Since I've been more honest with myself (and the boys) about the fact that I am in fact daydreaming and its not real , the boys have begun to accept my mum as their own almost. Obviously they have real mums, but I know they love her to pieces.

Anyway, so this big imaginary family. Has become more than that. A lot of the dudes are still just imaginary freinds but with a few of the boys , whom I've introduced you to two out of the three, have become scarily real. Eric is the main one. The last couple of years it's progressed to the point where sometimes , I'm not sure if I am me or if I am Eric , or if Eric is me. Sometimes I feel like I'm thinking in his voice. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see him. And sometimes he looks in the mirror and sees me. I think as Paul was so feminine. It didn't show so much. We could just pretend we were me on the outside. But when Eric is in my headspace, I hate my feminine body, I've bought a binder and my wardrobe is becoming less feminine. Because I just dont feel like the same person. I'm honestly so confused I really dont know what is going on or why it's happening.

In some ways the inner world is still just me navigating the world and my way of making sense of things. But it's also kind of like , parts of my personality, as little people that live in my brain , but not quite , I cannot begin to explain it .

And then of course, just when I'm trying to figure out the Eric saga and who the hell I even am anymore, Vlad pops up.

I'll always have a soft spot for Vlad. Hes Paul's older brother and has been in the inner world for quite some time , but has been more I suppose, in my headspace as I call it in the last six months or so. Hes the only one that I've managed to do a successful drawing of thus far although I'll try and do some of the other dudes at some point. Only issue is Vlad would much rather we doodle bugs than the other boys. Vlad has been my way of exploring the whole prospect of having Autism , I'm not diagnosed yet as the waiting lists are frankly ridiculous (yay for the tories?) but I've based vlads character around the traits that I have, and he helps me not be so ashamed of being neurodivergent. He also kind of helps me deal with my Emetophobia (the fear of vomiting) and my issues I have around food - which I honestly thought weren't that bad until I got told that the issues I've been having with my stomach and swallowing for the last year , are completely down to my anxiety. And it was at that point that I realised I may have been a teensy bit more traumatised by my phobia of vomiting than I originally believed. In fact vlads backstory is based off of my whole fear of being sick and what started it off (that time the norovirus kicked my ass, big time) .

Uhh so theres a bit about us . I'm not ready to fully open up yet . I want to eventually tell you more about the inner world but baby steps hey. I plan on trying to post more but , I'm useless so I wouldn't count on it.

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rotten-zucchinis · 6 years

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“Neurodivergence”vs.“mental illness”... and connecting over those things in ace spaces

This is written for the February 2018 Carnival of Aces on the topic of Mental Health. [Call for submissions] [Round-up]

Mental health is a really broad term and not something I especially want to talk about,1. But there’s something related which I do: the difficult meeting of the “mental illness” and “neurodiversity” paradigms in offline ace spaces, and the potential in ace spaces for sharing experiences and changing perspectives about things *other* than aceness.

Ace communities are extremely diverse in terms of experiences of subjectivity, including a lot of experiences that “aren’t what society said they’re supposed to be”-- whether that falls under one or more of the umbrellas of “mental health issues”, “mental illness”, “neurodiversity”, “neuro / developmental disabilities” trauma, “disordered” eating, moods, thinking, etc., and experiences with / surviving the psychiatric system.

The idea of neurodiversity is about diversity in how people's brains and minds are wired. And people who are “brainweird” or have minds “wired” in ways that are different from what society expects people to be— that diverge from the (prescriptive) norm— are neurodivergent. The idea is pretty straightforward and usually taken up to normalise and depathologise forms of subjective diversity.

For example, my “autism” isn't a disorder to be cured. I'm just autistic and that's okay, even if it is sometimes inconvenient in a world that isn't built for people like me (i.e., autistic = shorthand for being “wired” differently-than-expected in terms of things like sensory processing and social communication).

I’ve found that there’s an enduring tension in ace spaces between people who frame their experiences fully in terms of “mental illness” and people who frame their experiences at least partly in terms of neurodivergence (including people who view some parts of their experience as an illness and other parts as reflective of human neurodiversity).

To be clear, that’s a tension I’ve encountered in other spaces too, but it comes up frequently in (my offline) ace spaces because those spaces so frequently involve a bunch of us who have these kinds of experiences all together talking about them (both with and without the presence of aces who don’t). And also to be clear, those aren’t the only two options for framing, understanding and interpreting experiences...

I didn't always think of myself as neurodivergent. It was actually only through participating in certain specific ace spaces that I came to recognise that I could claim that word for myself. And that might sound incredibly odd given that I’ve been acutely aware, for as long as I can remember, that I've experienced subjectivity in ways I knew were not “normal”— years before I had the language to name things like “dissociation” — and that “autistic” was always sort of part of my personal self-understanding2.

The thing is, while I was always acutely aware of the other nameless oddities of my own mind and the lengths I took to conceal things like dissociation (among others I don't care to mention here), I never really thought about that as anything beyond an individual level.

There’s a flip side to the neurodiversity framing that I don’t often encounter— that these are kinds of experiences that many people have, that other people might share them (even if they don’t all experience them in the same way). Regardless of *how* a particular person is neurodivergent, chances are there will be others out there that are wired at least somewhat similarly, because all of these things are part of human variability. In that sense, neurodiversity (or even neurodivergence) isn’t an “individual” thing, even if each neurodivergent person is neurodivergent in a somewhat unique way.

It is actually only within the ace community (in offline ace spaces and interactions) that I've been able to share my experiences with others around some of my not-specifically-autistic neurodivergent experiences, including some kinds of experiences that I don't talk about online.

I think part of the reason why that has been possible has to do with the sheer number of us— neurodivergent folks— who are ace. For me, being in rooms of other neurodivergent aces talking about similar experiences helped me name some of these experiences, and move from conceptualising them as a personal experience to part of a larger pattern of neurodiversity. That has been very positive for me.

And I’ve seen other people encounter the ideas of neurodivergence and neurodiversity for the first time in these kinds of spaces, and come to understand that their struggles don’t necessarily have to be described in terms of “mental illness”. But I’ve also seen some of the backlash within these spaces against this framing, against the idea that the ways in which we are neurodivergent should not automatically put us under the authority of the psychiatric institution, and against the idea that we might neither need or want a “cure”. And it doesn’t parse up as neatly as might be assumed along lines of what we’re talking about— it’s not all “autistic as neurodivergence” vs. “episodic depression as illness”.

At the same time, I've also encountered resistance among aces to admitting generally that so many of us are indeed autistic, otherwise neurodivergent and/or struggling with mental health issues. The idea that this knowledge should be kept strictly within the community. Their concerns have mostly seemed to centre around the idea that people will use that to invalidate us. People very well might use that to assess whether asexuality is some sort of mental disorder— and indeed if you look at some of the arguments academics have been having, that's part of it. And if you look at media representation... those things are connected in ways that really ultimately aren't very helpful for anyone.3

But it shouldn't matter if or how they’re connected. Being autistic is valid and doesn't need to be “cured”. Being asexual is valid and doesn't need to be “cured”. For me (and many others), dissociating is valid and doesn't need to be “cured”. (Some people will have a different relationship to dissociation, particularly if it's directly a response to trauma— but even still, even as an outcome of trauma, it isn't necessarily something that needs to be “cured”. Something can be valid even if it's an outcome of something that was not okay-- validity doesn't depend on “cause” or on being “natural” or “inborn”4).

At the same time, some people describe different aspects of their experience in different terms. For example, there are also aspects of my experience that “aren’t what they’re supposed to be” that are not part of the way I’m neurodivergent— things that I *would* consider some kinds of mental or cognitive pathology, such as the types of memory issues I've been experiencing in recent years. These issues are not instances of “how my memory works” but instead examples of “how my memory isn't working properly” (even if the way it's functioning might be “normal” for some other neurodivergnt folks— it’s not normal for *me* and that’s the point.).

It's unclear how “treatable” or “reversible” these issues might ultimately be for me, but they are certainly disabling in a way that is very different from a developmental disability. And more importantly, the nature of that experience is very different from the “this is part of who I am and how my mind works” nature of my experience being autistic (or for that matter as someone who has always experienced periods of dissociation).

Being neurodivergent is something I have come to accept and understand in those specific terms through interactions I've had in ace spaces. Having those interactions has helped me find people with resonating experiences— mostly around the “otherwise neurodivergent” part of my autistic and otherwise neurodivergent self (because it’s also really not that hard to find other autistic folks in other communities I frequent, like trans communities). And those specific terms are useful to me.

Some of the powerful things about ace spaces are the possibilities they open for sharing experiences and changing perspectives about things beyond simply “asexuality” or “aceness”... even if sometimes those very possibilities are at sites of controversy and conflict.

Lengthy Footnotes:

1 Part of why the idea of “mental health” is loaded for me is that (as a chronically ill spoonie), I have a complicated and troubled relationship with “health” and “healthcare” generally. I’m also acutely aware that the discourse of “health” is routinely used to legitimise so much gendered, racialised, disableist violence in “healthcare” systems (most notably in the psychiatric system) and to enforce standards of (white middle-class) propriety. I grew up with the threat of this violence routinely levelled against me as a mechanism of control (including to minimise outward expressions of my being autistic). But beyond the threat, I was never actually subjected to the violence directly.

Medicine and healthcare have a high moral status and it is not always popular to critique them, even among people who've endured and/or survived their violence. There's an enduring tension in my various communities between the need to access healthcare, including psychiatric services, and the violence enacted by these services— so much so that naming this violence is often constructed as tantamount to devaluing or delegitimising people's very real needs for medical care, even if it's not. People's concerns and needs can be very real even if they're not “medical”, and they can also be both real and medical without being best- (or well-) served by the medical/psychiatric establishment.

Sometimes people need and want access to healthcare, treatments, medications, therapies, support, etc., for things related to “mental illness” or “mental health issues” or “neuro/developmental disabilities”, experiences with trauma, “disordered” eating, moods, thinking, etc. Sometimes people find help and support through the psychiatric systems, especially when there are no viable alternatives. And people should be able to seek and access the treatments and supports they need. But they should be able to access healthcare and/or support that recognises their humanity and that exists to help them.

The psychiatric system does not exist to “help people”. Its institutions and practitioners collectively (and often individually too) do not value the experience and knowledge of the people they are there to “help”. The psychiatric system functions as part of a broader system of violent regulatory power over society's (angrily-disenfranchised or “unproductive”) “undesirables”. There are possibilities for people to find what they need outside of the “medical system”— some that already exist in communities and some with the potential to be created in the future.

It is against a backdrop of recognising the violence of psychiatric systems and the pathologisation of many experiences that are “normal” for many people-- even if they are not “normal” by society’s standards-- that people developed the neurodiversity paradigm.

2 The “autistic” part was always quite private in a sense, largely because of how I was treated growing up-- as “weird” and as morally accountable for my “weirdness” but not as “autistic” (including by parents who were fully aware that I was indeed autistic-- or Aspie as the labels were in those days). In particular, as far as my family was concerned I wasn't “autistic autistic” because if I tried hard enough and/or people yelled at me enough then I could pass for close enough to normal that I was just “weird”... unlike, say, my cousin.

On the other hand, my cousin was “autistic autistic” (also Aspie) and it was therefore okay for him (but not me) to not respond appropriately to small talk, to wear the same clothes everyday, to “have body movements” (I hate that expression, but it’s how they described things like rocking or using hands and feet in ways that don't conform to neurotypical standards), to take time alone, etc. The extended family made plans around his schedule and sensory needs and never acknowledged mine. Meanwhile, I was severely pathologised and condemned for doing “autistic” things without them ever being named as “autistic” in those moments (even though people were fully aware that they were.)

Because of that, I basically grew up learning to manage sensory issues and trying somewhat to fake neurotypical body language and speech patterns as best as I could on my own, without talking about it. I was only privately “autistic”. Publicly, or outwardly generally, I was just “weird” and “overly sensitive” (to things like smells, noise, lights, crowds, certain kinds of touch, etc.)

Even now, a lot of people seem to treat me like I’m not “autistic autistic” and react in strange ways when I do say something about it. This includes people who don’t know me in person (and who therefore aren’t in a position to observe how my “weirdness” permeates my everyday life) as well as people who have long been familiar with my real-life “weirdness” but who have never thought of that as anything other than my own *personal* “weirdness”. People react like I don’t talk about being autistic enough to justify my ever talking about being autistic, which in turn, contributes to my not-often talking about being autistic.

But the point I’m getting to is that while being “autistic” has been part of my (private) self-concept for a very long time, I never felt like that let me “count” as neurodivergent. (And I recognise that’s strange, given that the neurodiversity paradigm is strongly rooted in autistic self-advocacy).

3 For example, we have Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory. He might be clearly autistic and asexual and aromantic (like me!)— even if he's never named as such— who's eventually in a long-term romantic & sexual partnership (not like me! and unlike most but not all aroaces). But he's not an example of good representation, and he's certainly not going to help anyone understand me (or anyone else) better or be more willing to respect autistic, asexual and/or aromantic ways of being.

For example, in addition to being autistic, asexual and aromantic, he's also an inconsiderate jackass who displays lots of misogyny, racism and intellectual elitism, while simultaneously fitting the archetype of the “man-child” who is of course also white. None of those characteristics are specifically or causally tied to being autistic, asexual or aromantic— individual autistic, asexual and/or aromantic folks might be any of those things, but so may anyone else. But stereotypically, they are all linked together.

In terms of “representation”, the problem with Sheldon isn't that he's an autistic aroace. The problem is that he's portrayed as asexual and aromantic because he's an oppressive man-child, and portrayed as an oppressive man-child because he's autistic. It's not “representation” for autistic, aromantic asexuals (and wouldn't be even if it was name as such)—it's a dangerous and inaccurate stereotype of all of those things played for humour and plot devices.

4 Sometimes the neurodiversity paradigm is taken in directions that presume that diversity is “natural” and then argue it is therefore valid. I actually think that's backwards: the emphasis on diversity comes out of the recognition that there are multiple valid ways of being— out of the rejection of the pathologising of those ways of being. Many ways of being are “valid” (or more literally non-pathological) and therefore the diversity must be normal... or at the very least that the validity and descriptive normality coincide. Personally, I don't think we're ever going to get anywhere by trying to prove that neurodivergence is non-pathological and/or “okay”— that needs to be the starting point and not the conclusion.

#ace and mental health #psychiatric system discussion cw #mostly in the first footnote #ableism mention cw #autistic ace #neurodivergent ace #neurodivergent #carnival of aces #mental illness #carnival of aces February 2018 #long post #autistic aromantic ace #extremely long discussion in footnotes #of course #I don't know how much this will make sense because it doesn't go into specifics about some things #because the kinds of things I'm talking about connecting with people about in offline ace spaces are things I don't talk about online #so writing about that online is a little awkward...#queued

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