#smth smth reminders to not feel so scared... many many paths. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thisdreamplace · 3 years

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Hi. My erratic moods, and loss of control over my words and actions, my inability to be calm and collected, and worse, to keep the unhelpful intrusive thoughts IN my head are causing me trouble. (eg just recently someone in my family was going to the hospital for a possibly serious checkup and they joked, as I saw them at the door, "If I die then forgive me". And like, ik it's a joke. But a deep primal part of me, in front of everyone, lost it and as they turned away I heard myself screaming: "If I die, then YOU CAN BE HAPPY" and I just couldn't control it. I did find the pause in between the words and my reaction (Eckhart Tolle), yet I failed to at least restrain myself, from lashing out. Ik it's the 'demons' who think they'll be happy if I die etc. Worse was, my grandma (who doesn't know the extent of my issues) witnessed this. It sucks. I want to cry. Why did I react that way?)

What really is up with me? This has nothing to do with what was said (and I even know that the joke was a self defense mechanism coz my family mmbr was worried themselves about the check up). But the way I shouted that... It was serious. I think I did mean it. It's lame hahah, especially coz I was thinking I was starting to be able to control myself? To assuage the 'darkness' within, and I even believe things are definitely less hopeless thanks to the loa and me influencing reality

Maybe it was just a random thing. Ofc it's impossible to heal overnight, yet I do feel... Ashamed of my reaction (like hello, why couldn't I have stopped myself from saying that out loud at least? I could've just laughed it off and said "yeah okay me too" or smth less intense. They already mock me for my 'tantrums'. Welp, such is life and I've been doing my best to stay alive and normal for many years now)

Any way you can suggest using loa to make myself less... reactive and emotionally nuclear bomb-ish? The funniest thing is I was normal the whole day then this stupid outburst screaming 'woe ie me boohoo' happens. Gah I wanna curse lol

I did start conscious healing some months ago. Maybe I have pent up rage or emotion and I gotta idk journal or smth? I do affirm, I do try to fix my thought patterns (as opposed to never even realising I had a choice before). I'm not saying I'm doing enough. I'm not saying I'm consistent. But I am better than before. Then this happens?! Wdyt?

And another thing, the more I get into loa/beliefs/assumptions etc, and try to restructure my life, I feel wayyy more exposed and vulnerable

You are one of my faves in the loa spectrum btw

Hi!

Honestly, nothing is wrong with you. I think that you're being a little harsh on yourself, that's all. I mean, I get being put off by your outbursts. But weirdly, it's not actually something you need to analyze, although you may want to. I mean, that's how we worked in the past right? We always wanted to analyze the 3D and our behavior. But there's actually nothing to analyze anymore. There's nothing wrong with you, even like this.

I think that when we get into the law especially, and we start making progress, we're completely ashamed of ourselves when it seems like we are suddenly regressing. But actually, like I was saying, we don't have to take it that seriously. It actually doesn't have to mean anything is wrong with us. We can still totally be on the right path. Thing is, things that are living within us will find a way out. And that's all you experienced. Practice letting it pass and returning within yourself, to your inner world where you have been making great strides. It's not always for us to figure out why something happened. Instead, it's up to us to decide what we want to focus on moving forward.

If you feel the need to journal and let it all out, don't stop yourself! Write it out, allow yourself that space to say what you need to say and maybe you will figure something out in the process. Do not be afraid to release what you're feeling, allow it.

On the flip side of that, you can approach these outbursts with more compassion for yourself. I mean, the law really calls for us to come back to unconditional love for ourselves at all times. It's a constant practice. You don't have to feel ashamed anymore. Like I have said before, anything that we do was done perfectly. We think we have all these controls over our actions, because we forget we are ourselves pushed out. Even our freewill ends passed our minds. We only have freewill within. Every action we take in the 3D falls in line with the state we are in. This why we cannot do anything wrong! So don't fall for the 3D illusion, even in regard to yourself. It may be hard and weird to grasp, but allow yourself that space to at least move into some sort of acceptance. It will all click the more you choose to focus on your inner world, and what you can do within. Do not worry about what you can do in the outer world. Because really, you can do nothing.

So how do you tackle this? Well, like usual, get an idea of who you want to be. Don't think about how to get there, really. It's not your job. All you need to know is your end goal. And if you don't know it clearly, intend to for clarity. But after that, all you need to do is choose to embody that version of you everyday. You do this in your mind. You don't need to "act as if" unless you like to. Some days may be easier or harder than others. It doesn't matter if you trip up or totally are out of the state some days. The point is you keep persisting, you keep doing your best to go back to that version of you within in your mind. Without knowing how, that effort truly does add up and gets you exactly where you want to be.

To your final comment, I totally feel this. I have never been more vulnerable than I am now. I mean, the more I learn about the law, it's like the more I wear my heart on my sleeve. There's emotions I could run from before, that I can't run from now. I feel more exposed than ever. Because our fears, despite being our prison, often work as a shield. And the more you come into the law and have to dismantle the illusion of your fears, the more exposed you feel. And it's okay. I just try to remind myself that behind any uncomfortable feelings, I am making my way towards absolute love and freedom. Behind these illusions I built for myself, the more love and freedom can make it's way into my life. And it's comforting to see it that way and it allows me to keep going even when I feel too scared to. I know I am on the right path. Hopefully this helps you feel that way too.

Anyway, thank you for your nice compliment! I hope you are doing well! 💖

#i am

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bakugou-tm · 5 years

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HELLO IMYSM i hope youre having a relaxing christnas break bc u deserve to rest!!!! anyways may i request a scenario where katsuki's s/o is in college then with all the due dates and requirements she can't visit him or smth? then suddenly he just appears in her campus and everyone's swooning over him like that, she feels so happy bc she misses him and all,,,,, thank you so much!! have a great day 💜

Awh this one is sweet of course I shall

“What do you mean you can’t come this weekend?!”

Wincing a bit at the loud voice on the other side of the phone you let out a sigh, guilt coursing through your body. You weren’t wincing because of your boyfriend’s aggressive manor, you were used to that. You were wincing because of the slight pain you heard in his voice, though you would never admit.

Every month or so you and your boyfriend would meet up for a weekend due to the long distance relationship you had been put in. While he was off working trying to build his brand as a hero, you had left for your dream school that happened to be two hours away.

Of course he would never step in the way of following your dream, he also refused to cut the relationship off for that matter. It had been decided you would both visit every month until you could graduate and move back with him.

The only problem was, these past couple of months you kept having to call off your meetings due to harsh due dates since you were nearing the end of the semester.

This was the fourth time you had to call your boyfriend and give the dreaded news that you couldn’t come, and it only kept getting harder and harder.

“I..I’m sorry Suki, I wish there was another way…” You said sadly through the phone, “I tried to convince my professor to move back the due date but with exams in less than four weeks, there was no way for him to push it back.”

Biting your lip you closed your eyes painfully as you only heard your boyfriend sigh in response, the sound itself holding every bit of pain he felt.

“I really am sorry Katsuki, I..I miss you so much…” You breathed out, a slight hiccup in your voice as you felt warm tears come to your eyes, “I would do just about anything to see you again.”

Hearing the hints of saddness in your tone Bakugou was quick to speak up, “Don’t think to hard about it shitty girl I understand, as long as you come over here after your exams.”

Perking your head up a bit you smiled, remembering you would be able to graduate just after exams, “Yes yes I will, I promise! I’ll spend everyday with you baby I promise!”

“Damn straight you will..” Bakugou replied, a soft smile on his face as he looked out the window of his suite, “Good luck with your exams babe.”

Smiling giddily at the change of moods you let yourself dance around your room before leaning against the wooden door to your dorm, “Thanks Suki, hey… I love you by the way!”

Blinking for a moment the ash blond remained silent, the last time he heard those words was the day you left for college just four years ago, every time those three golden words came from your lips it took his breath away.

“I love you too (S/o).” Bakugou said softly in the tone causing a surge of warmth to flow through your body before you hung up.

You couldn’t wait to see your Bakugou Katsuki soon.

—

Just a two weeks later you found yourself even more swamped with work. Don’t get it wrong, as much as you loved what you were doing, the study of design interesting you greatly, with so many due dates and assignments it was slowly making you envy the subject.

You tried your best to remind yourself it would be worth it in the end, but with the heavy work load it was growing harder and harder to stay focused.

Throwing on a pair of leggings and a random hoodie out of your closet you walked towards the mirror so you could do your hair.

Snatching your brush from the vanity you began to brush out your (h/c) locks before you slowly stopped, recognizing the orange and black hoodie to be your boyfriend’s hero merch.

Ever since he started his own brand for himself, his marketing team decided to get him all new merch inspired by his hero name, Ground Zero.

It was incredibly smart, the cups, shirts, hoodies, backpacks, anything you could think of were soon to be sold out for the season.

Luckily your boyfriend had sent you a ‘limited edition’ hoodie signed by Ground Zero himself which he made sure to cockily brag about until you threatened to sell it for big bucks.

Giggling to yourself when you remembered those warm moments you shared you let out a sigh, shoving your hair up into a messy bun before you looked at the trademark Ground Zero logo with a determined expression.

“I’m gonna see you soon Katsuki, hang in there..”

–

Bakugou already hated this place, and he had only taken roughly ten steps on the campus.

Everything about this university screamed you, the beautifully creative structure, the hundreds of students zooming around; not without offering a greeting or smile of course. Everyone here was so cheerful even though the aura of the school was clearly tense and stressed.

Shuffling his boots down the cobblestone path to look for any sort of directory, his body froze when he heard an all to familiar cry with those dreaded words he was doomed to hear everywhere he went.

“Is that Ground Zero?!”

Dread flowed through Bakugou’s body as the sound of footsteps scampering over to him came near, sounding like a stampede of animals in a zoo during lunch time.

“It’ll be worth it for (S/o)..” Bakugou grumbled under his breath, his sharp crimson eyes glaring up to the herd of students that surrounded him, cameras already out and ready to fire.

The ash blond should’ve known better than to come to the your campus without a disguise, the fact that he was wearing his hero uniform boots not helping the case either.

Bakugou had just been so excited to get here. After getting off the phone with you and remembering the pained tone of your voice, he couldn’t not come over here. You had one last week at this hell hole, and Bakugou would be damned if you ruined it over the massive stress you were carrying.

The young hero’s agency was far from pleased when they heard he would be under the radar for a full week, but they weren’t in any position to tell him no. At this point Bakugou ran that agency, they depended on him more than he did ever since his popularity boomed.

In less than a year he had been the first teenager to ever be in the top ten, proving to be the youngest successful pro hero in history.

Did this inflate his ego? Yes, yes it did. Did he care? Not a chance. And luckily he knew a certain (h/c) that loved his massively large ego.

The feeling of people grabbing his arms is what snapped him back to reality, his head whipping down to see multiple people shouting twenty different things at once.

“Can you sign this shirt for me?”

“Get a selfie with me Ground Zero!”

“Are you coming to this college permanently?”

“I don’t have a pen, can you just set a mini explosion off on my arm?”

Bakugou let out a growl of annoyance and a bit of disturbance at the strange demands he was receiving, didn’t these students have work to do or something?

Flicking his eyes up in hopes of seeing any sort of directory anywhere, he let out an annoyed sigh when there wasn’t anything in sight. Maybe these kids could be useful for something.

“I’ll sign all your shit later but I have a mission first,” Bakugou barked, effectively silencing the entire group as they awaited his word, “Any of you know where the hell the design wing is?”

Bakugou regretted his idea when an uproar of students began shouting out different answers, rubbing his head he let out another loud yell to silence them.

“Grape hair only, where is it.”

The tall boy in the front blinked for a moment when the pro hero pointed to him before quickly pointing over to the second building in the middle.

“Are you looking for someone?” A girl questioned from the back, causing Bakugou to look over to her direction.

“(L/n) (F/n).”

A few people in the crowd perked up at this, obviously recognizing your name.

“I know (L/n)!” A girl shouted, shoving her way to the front before pointing over to a stone pathway, “I saw her walk over there a few minutes ago with her laptop, I bet she’s finishing up her sketches for exams.”

Flicking his crimson eyes from the path to the girl he gave a curt nod of gratitude before shoving past the students, ignoring their obnoxious goodbye’s and pleads to come back soon.

As annoying as this place was, it sure was beautiful.

The stone path shortly had turned into gravel as he got deeper into the trail, the multiple sculptures he had passed beginning to disappear as the atmosphere began to look more botanical.

While he couldn’t help but admit the path was fairly neat, he was also growing fairly annoyed. He just wanted to see your beautiful face already so he could snatch you up in his arms and never let go.

Ducking over a short stone arch that was wrapped in a messy vine that contained pale blue flowers, the ash blond’s dream finally came true as he saw your rugged form laying down on a blanket in front of what looked to be a koi pond.

Just as he was about to walk over to you, he paused when he heard a sharp growl escape your lips. While it wasn’t a foreign sound to him, it certainly was a rare one.

“Come on brain think of something! What else can I add to this to make it different?” You cried, tugging at the loose strands of your hair that already seemed to be falling out of it’s place in your messy bun, “Why is my brain so.. so.. ahhhHhhh.”

Bakugou chuckled quietly to himself as your mini rant went onto a slurred new language of your letting out a mix of growling and groaning noises.

“You know I was pretty scared I wouldn’t be able to find you,” Bakugou spoke up, causing your head to jerk up before you whipped your head around to lock eyes with the ash blond, “But your annoying ass whining was pretty easy to follow.”

“Katsuki!”

Ignoring the harsh insult Bakugou through at you, your eyes lit up upon seeing your boyfriend, quickly stumbling up from your blanket and running towards him.

Bakugou stumbled back a bit from your sudden attack but was able to catch you eventually, lifting your form into his arms as he spun you around with the added momentum you gave him.

“W..What are you doing here?” You said breathlessly, your lips in the most beautiful smile he had ever seen.

Placing a rough kiss on your lips the ash blond plopped you back down on your feet while keeping his arms tight around your waist, “I knew you were probably stressing the fuck out on your last week of exams.. and by what I heard earlier I was correct per usual.”

Rolling your eyes at his cocky tone you placed another quick kiss on his lips before nodding for him to continue on.

“I couldn’t just let you bomb anything because you missed this pretty face so much, so I decided to stay down here for awhile.”

Letting out a few more giggles as the ash blond attacked your face with more quick kisses you squeezed your arms around his neck tightly before looking back up to him, “What about your hero agency? Aren’t they going to be mad that you’re missing a full week?”

Bakugou scoffed at your words, his crimson eyes cockily looking down to you as a smirk flashed across his lips, “Tch.. to hell with that shitty agency, they couldn’t fire me if they even wanted to. Honestly if I said I was leaving I would have all those fuckers on their hands and knees.”

Bursting into laughter you placed yet another kiss on his lips before running your fingers through his ash blond locks playfully, “That’s my cocky little shit.”

Grinning excitedly down to you, the ash blond lifted you back off your feet again causing your laughter to fill the air once more as he swung you around before stumbling backwards, his back falling against the smooth grass while you landed on top of him with a grin.

“Walk much?” You questioned cheekily, causing him to narrow his eyes as he stole a kiss from you most likely to shut you up.

Pulling away softly, you kept your face close to his own, both of your eyes locked on each other as each of your breaths collided with each other’s lips.

“I missed you so fucking much (S/o).” Bakugou muttered just loud enough for you to hear, his hands running down the small of your back.

Inhaling deeply you kept your fingers gliding through his hair as you looked down to him lovingly, “I did too Katsuki, more than you will ever know.”

After what seemed like forever of staring, the two of you shared one last final kiss. While any kiss with Bakugou would always be somewhat rough and demanding, this one held a certain passion and love with it.

A passion of two lovers deeply missing one another’s touch. You couldn’t begin to explain how wonderful your heart felt, as if every bit of stress had flown off your shoulders. The two of you could never be happier.

Breaking away only because you ran out of air the two of you panted slightly, still looking at each other with joyful loving eyes.

That is, until you felt a pair of wondering palms.

“You look sexy as fuck in these leggings by the way,” Bakugou said with a mischievous grin, his palms giving your cheeks a firm squeeze causing you to squeak slightly before his grin formed into a somewhat impressed smirk, “Somebody’s been working out, that ass is firm babe.”

Rolling your eyes you placed a warm kiss on his cheek before resting your head on his chest, “And there you go ruining the moment yet again.”

Opening his mouth to rebuttal, both of you came to silence when the all too familiar sound of stampeding feet were heard.

“W..What on earth is that?” You asked softly, sitting up from his chest as the sound grew louder and louder.

Bakugou let out a growl as he sat up, carefully holding onto you so you didn’t slide off of him, “Your fucking classmates, I forgot to disguise myself so they went fucking crazy..”

“And the news spread..” You finished with a gulp, sharing an annoyed yet fearful expression with your boyfriend before an idea popped in your head.

Scrambling off Bakugou’s lap you quickly grabbed your blanket and laptop before yanking the ash blond off his feet.

“The hell are we going?”

Looking back to Bakugou you smiled, grabbing his hand and yanking him down another unmarked trail, “I know this little secret trail back to the campus, that way we can sneak to my dorm hopefully un-noticed.”

Deciding to follow your lead, the ash blond ran side by side with you, taking your laptop and blanket so it would be easier for you to run while you lead him down the messy path.

Bakugou had only been with you for ten minutes and chaos already seemed to be unfolding, but much to his surprise he didn’t mind, quite frankly he actually liked it. It felt like the good old days when they were at UA, just goofing around and living in the light hearted chaos you both grew to love.

But if there was one thing Bakugou knew back at UA and sure as hell knew now, he never wanted to stop living in the chaos with you.

He wanted to rule this world of chaos with you by his side..

Forever and always.

#bakugou x reader #bakugou #fluff fluff fluff #idk how i feel about this #but that's okay #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #enJOY

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angelaiswriting · 5 years

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The Assistant (9 of ?) | Vladimir Ranskahov x reader

[original picture found on: pinterest]

✏️ Pairings:

(eventual) Vladimir Ranskahov x fem!reader

Anatoly Ranskahov x OC (Paulina)

probably other pairings in the future

✏️ Requested by @kellydixon01 : Y/N–hacker, big mouth, even bigger attitude–is the new addition to Fisk’s team. Sent to help the Ranskahovs, she immediately gets on Vladimir’s nerves. But as time passes, they start to take a liking to each other, even if none of them is willing to admit their feelings. Yet.

✏️ A/N: if you squint hard enough, there could be a crossover with the SOA universe haha sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

✏️ A/N 2: the Barbarians MC does not exist (or, at least, I haven’t found it on the list of one-percenter clubs), it’s all made up ‘cause I didn’t want to maybe disrespect an actual MC or smth haha + Petrov and Sokolovsky (two Russian criminals mentioned here) can be found in my Piter one-shot (Vladimir Ranskahov x fem!OC, part of the Katya series), which you can find on my masterlist.

✏️ Warnings: mentions of death, of murder and that’s probably it.

✏️ Word-count: 3,306

REQUESTS ARE OPEN IF YOU WANT ME TO WRITE FOR YOU 💛

📚 To read the previous chapters, click on the MASTERLIST link in my bio (unfortunately I can’t put links here if I don’t want Tumblr to hide my post. I apologize.)

CHAPTER NINE: SECRETS AND TRUTHS

It could have all been a lie, Vladimir knew this. But the way she had spoken, the way she had confessed, almost like it cost her everything she had… It had kept him awake on Friday night, and then on the next one, too.

He hadn’t said a word to Tolik–yet. He had avoided his calls and his messages and when his brother had finally gone quiet, he had started to think that maybe he was doing the wrong thing. The thing was, he didn’t know what to do. There had been a subtle non-said at the club when she had spilled her truth, almost as though that had to be a secret, at least for now. And while Vladimir knew he had to tell his brother, he didn’t know if now was the right time. Y/N’s story was far from over, and he didn’t know how he knew this, but he felt it in his bones: there was more she had to say and he wasn’t willing to risk his chance.

Moreover, he wanted this to be his upper hand, the loophole he could use to escape death and imprisonment. He had told her so, at the club, and that had maybe been his first admission of honesty in a long, long time. And what had surprised him hadn’t been the lack of anger on her part, but rather her agreeing with his choice. She had given him permission to use that information against her if he deemed it necessary and now that he was allowed to follow through with his plan in case things went in the wrong direction, he found himself being hesitant.

He had burned the element of surprise, that much was for sure, he thought as he stared outside the window of his room, elbows resting against the cool windowsill as he smoked yet another cigarette. It was getting out of control, his smoking, but it was either that or going back to being swallowed by his demons and therefore to being Y/N’s personal torment.

They had agreed on that, too. They were going to bury the hatchet and give each other a chance–for real, this time. No more games, no more arguments, no more secrets. She was going to tell him everything she knew about him and she was going to tell him everything about herself so that they could be even–and it was all going to happen in due time, of course. And sure, he wanted to know what she was hiding, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear the story of his life from her.

He had to, though. They had agreed on that, for he had to be completely honest with her, too, if he wanted things to work.

And it was all hardcore trusting once again. And he was scared of trusting her, of falling for her, of developing something more than simple respect for her because he was already on that dangerous path and fuck! How could he not be, though? Even Sergei had found something in her and he knew that if they both gave each other a chance, Seriozha would like to go beyond friendship with that girl–just like Piotr, but Piotr was another story.

But Y/N was brave–and probably a little out of her mind. It took both things to have the guts to work with people like him–or with people like Pavlichenko, for that matter. And one didn’t simply acquire those traits just because daddy was an undercover fed in the charter of a one-percenter club. Something else must have happened, he reasoned, and may he be damned if he wasn’t going to find out what that was.

She was also beautiful and his body knew that even if his mind did all it could to find just the negative things in her. And it wasn’t just that he felt drawn to her the way he had felt drawn to Tatyana. There was something more, something he couldn’t put his finger on, not yet, and it had probably come up after she had told him her story. And whatever it was, Tanya hadn’t had it–and had she been still alive, he wasn’t sure she had what it took to get to that point in life.

Wesley probably had his part in it–in Vladimir’s fascination towards Y/N. Vladimir probably hadn’t consciously noticed her before he had found Fisk’s dog drooling all over her–and before he had seen her refuse his advances. She hadn’t pushed him away the way she had refused Piotr. There was something underneath all that tension between the two that he still hadn’t unearthed despite his best attempts. And while he still wanted to know the truth, it had taken him the scene he had witnessed in the corridor outside the elevator for him to truly see her.

He saw the way she grimaced when he pissed her off just as he saw the way her sweatshirts or blouses outlined her figure. He saw the way she walked, the way her hips swayed, the way she dropped like a sack of potatoes onto the couch he had in his office, huffing because he wouldn’t stop giving her a hard time.

And he had seen her legs through the see-through tights on Friday, had seen the way her skirt clung to her sides, the way her heels highlighted her shins. And he was still thinking about her the way he was sure Wesley thought of her in his spare time, too. And while he didn’t want to admit this much, he craved that.

He probably craved that more for the same reason he had spent weeks despising her. There was a clever brain behind those glasses and while he never wanted to agree with her, he knew she wasn’t stupid, that she knew what was best and what wasn’t. And he found himself thinking about her not because his mind went back to Tanya, but because his mind went back to how he felt when he had Tanya. And it reminded him of how he was, and of what he had turned into in that dark cell, of the monsters that still crawled behind him, hiding in his shadow. And he had seen those same shadows in her eyes, he had felt the same dripping coldness of his monsters in her voice when she had finally opened up.

Far more than he could want her as a person, he wanted her for her past, for what she had done that had brought her here. He had seen himself in her when she had opened up to him–he hadn’t seen Tolya, who shared his same experiences; and not even Sergei, who had killed many a man; but himself. And only God knew how long he had waited for someone who could understand him, who could look at him and see all he couldn’t say–all he couldn’t bring himself to say–, who could help him ease that weight.

It was dangerous, though, he thought as he put out the cigarette against the marble of the windowsill. What if it was just a trick? An illusion? And she was the complete opposite of him? And what if he opened up–bared himself to her, just to then be left there naked at his monsters’ mercy?

There was a knock on the door then and the sound was so foreign and sudden that it took him a while to realize that someone was indeed knocking at his door.

He was almost completely sure nothing like that had ever happened to him: Tolya had the keys to his apartment and could come and go as he pleased–as long as he respected Vlad’s spaces, of course–, and his men were free to walk into his office without knocking, for such formalities didn’t belong in his business. And for this reason, he was left hesitant by the person on the other side of the door.

He still crossed his bedroom, though, and then his bare living room to spy through the peephole. And when he saw who it was, he heaved a sigh.

He opened the door and it took him a couple of seconds to find his voice again.

“What do you want?”

Y/N had managed to convince Vladimir to get into her apartment, for it had been clear he wouldn’t let her into his own and she would never talk in the hallway, and now she could feel his eyes on the back of her head as she stared down at her hands.

Her father’s kutte weighed like a mountain and the more she stared at it, the more it seemed to drag her towards the floor.

“This was my father’s,” she said. “Full patch and all from when he was in the Barbarians.” She turned around, met Vladimir’s gaze–confused and almost wary–, but she wasn’t able to hold it, so she let her eyes wander back to the torn leather vest she had taken out from the bottom of her closet. “You said you wanted a proof that what I was saying was the truth, so here you have it. You can still see his blood in the spots I didn’t manage to remove it from.”

Vladimir hesitated.

He suddenly needed another cigarette. Sure, he had asked her for proof–he had trusted blindly too much before America and wasn’t going to take any risk now, not if he could avoid it. He had probably hoped to see her mask fall the moment he demanded she gave him something concrete, but now here she was, looking smaller than ever as he took the vest she was handing him.

There was indeed blood on its collar, it stained the ruined leather like a punch in an eye. “This - your father’s club?”

“No. It was my club. For him, it was just an MC he infiltrated into.” She still wasn’t looking at him, too lost in her Las Vegas memories.

“You promised you’ll tell me more.”

Both with his presence in her home and with his demands, he felt like an intruder. Only now he thought that he had no right to do this, to ask for this information. It didn’t matter that she had snooped in his past life–and in his present, too–, for she had spared him the pain of confessing what had happened. She had made things easy for him, she had taken what she needed without pestering him with questions, and now he was making things hard for her.

But he wasn’t her. He couldn’t do the things she could. Questions were his only means to get what he wanted–he could never use fists or guns on her. Threats–that he could do, but it didn’t feel right, not when he could get her killed with just one word.

Surprising both himself and her, he sat when she told him to and he held his breath for a heartbeat when he realized she was sitting right next to him. Last time they had been this close, he had forced her to drink vodka–probably against her will–so that he could tear the truth out of her. He had wanted that; he would have probably liked the idea of Anatoly having to deal with her better, but he had wanted her to spill her truth. And now that he was going to get what he wanted, all he felt was guilt.

“When I was a kid,” she started, “I didn’t know my dad worked for the FBI. He was just a mechanic to me, and my mom was just some English teacher. I grew up going to club barbeques and playing with members’ kids and we were just one big, happy family. Then, when my father’s cover blew up, we had to leave Nevada and our identities behind.” She chuckled. “I don’t even know what’s fake now: my current name or my old one?”

“You said one of Pavlichenko’s friends found out your father was federal,” he recalled. She had told him so in a whisper two nights before, at the club, and she had refused to look at him in the eye. He had believed her to be lying.

Y/N nodded. “Usyk. He got my father killed before we boarded the plane to leave the state.”

“He was drug lord.” Vladimir had heard of him, back in Moscow. Usyk had tried to gain land in Tula at the expenses of Smirnov but had given up when better opportunities arose in Kiev.

“He had contacts with Fisk; that’s why I work for him now.”

Vlad turned to look at her.

“I want to kill him. I want him gone–and I want Wesley gone, too. Pavlichenko should be on the way to his demise, too, after I unleashed him against Saint Petersburg. I’m sure you remember Petrov.” She was smiling, but her smile was cold, her eyes - empty. It was like staring at himself in the mirror in the morning, when all he could feel was a past that was never going to come back.

She was going to follow through with his intentions and he knew it. He had seen that same gaze on many people–and on himself, too. It was a blood-thirst so deep it couldn’t be stopped, it couldn’t be bluffed. It was there and it was true. And it was so heavy and hungry that it was going to eat you alive if you didn’t fulfill its desires.

He wanted to say something, and desperately so. But the more she gave him, the less he wanted. It was a defense mechanism and he knew it. He remembered Petrov just as he remembered Sokolovsky, his eternal friend-enemy in the control of the Russian capital. They had both had their fair share of guilt in his and his brother’s stay in Utkin.

“Usyk had heard there would be great deal chances in Nevada back then, years before I was born, and had struck a deal with the Barbarians. He would make sure his synthetic shit got into the country and the charter had to redistribute it and consequently, get richer. In exchange, the Barbarians had to protect Usyk’s most powerful allies in the region near Las Vegas.” She shrugged, absentmindedly brushing her knuckles against the worn leather of the kutte. “So, the FBI decided to come up with a long-term mission and my dad was one of the agents they infiltrated into the MC.”

“How did Usyk find out?” Part of him, the part that didn’t want to go back to his alcohol and cigarettes, wanted to know that: if he could avoid her father’s mistake, then he could save himself from her.

“Fisk.” He stared at her set jaw and at her closed eyes. She looked ten years older–probably the same way he looked when he went back to his golden past. “He was a small fish at the time, barely known in the underworld. He had ‘friends’ anywhere–people like me that spy on other people, on people like you. Some of them got a whiff of what was going on and informed him, who in turn informed Usyk, who warned the Barbarians. Long story short, my father was a casualty.”

“I’m…” He didn’t know what he was.

“Sorry?” She chuckled, opening her eyes and turning her head against the seat back of the couch so that she could look at him. “Don’t be.”

Was he sorry, though? Probably not. But, at the same time, this was most likely the longest human contact he had had with someone outside of the garage in forever, and he truly didn’t know how to act.

“Is this enough or do you want more?” she asked. “Because remember, you’ll have to tell me some truths of yours one day.”

He snickered. He wasn’t going to do that: if she wanted something from him, she had to work hard–harder than she had worked to get Usyk killed–to get it. But then…

“Wesley.” The name had left his lips before he could stop himself. Whatever was between her and that man, it had been bugging him to no end ever since the previous week. She never acted with his men and their advances the way she had acted with Fisk’s dog. Piotr was still allowed to joke around her and she hadn’t been shy with him at the club: she had danced with him, jokingly kissed his cheek when the brunette he had been flirting with told him to go to hell, and she had let him smooch her face like a kid.

She frowned. “What about him?”

“Tell me what happened. At club you said you’ll answer my questions. This is my question now.”

“We…”

“Fucked.”

“Yeah. He knows who I am–who I really am, who I was before I came to New York with a new name. He probably thinks I still have ties with the feds, and also probably suspects I want to do something to our employer,” she mocked Wesley. She massaged her eyes from underneath her glasses and heaved a sigh. “While this is personal and I’d rather you not know it, I also promised I’d tell the truth and I’m tired of you not trusting me when you’re literally the safest person around me. So, here it is: to buy his silence, he wanted sex. It honestly surprises me Paulina got this before-”

“She knows?”

“Somehow, yeah.”

It scared him that Paulina knew. Did she tell Anatoly, too?

“What’s matter with him?” he asked instead.

“He wants more,” she shrugged. She didn’t look at him; she simply stared at the switched-off television in front of her and the hand that had rested on her father’s leather until now snapped back down into her lap. “I’m not…” He stared as she swallowed and let her head fall backward. “I’m not exactly doing what I’m ordered to.”

“And what is it?”

“Reporting what you do.” She turned to look at him then and he had to repress a shiver at the serious expression on her face. “I should tell Wesley all your dirty secrets and while you never trust me, I have yet to tell him–or Fisk–a word.”

He knew she wasn’t lying, then. She kept on staring at him, almost as though she wanted to test him, and her position on the couch didn’t tense, it remained relaxed. “Why?”

“I don’t know. At first, it was because I wanted to get to know you and your brother, then because we were busy with your business…”

“And now?”

“I like you.” She cleared her voice, eyes running away from his. “I like you all, I mean. You seem like decent people despite the past you have. And you haven’t done anything wrong to me so far. My target is Fisk, after all, not the Ranskahovs and sure as hell not the guys at the garage.”

Vladimir nodded. He seemed to recall her telling him this much already, but he had been so busy worrying about what she might be doing and what she might do in the future, that he barely really listened to her.

“Now it’s my turn.”

He tensed and the leather vest in his lap seemed even heavier than it had felt to her.

“And I’m asking only because I didn’t find much on her.”

He knew who she was going to ask about, he felt it deep in his bones and in his whole being. There had only been one important woman in his life, and unless she wanted to ask about his dead mother, he was going to have to tell that story.

“Who’s Tatyana?”

What’s going to happen now? Will he tell her who this whore Tatyana is? Is there anything you want to see next? Predictions? Suggestions? Feedback? Feed me haha

Jokes aside, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! 💛

Now, as I said in some post, I’ll start working on that Piotr kinky story and then, hopefully once I’m done with it this is the plan, I’ll work on chapter ten of this story; I hope it’s okay!

On another note, I hope I’m not posting this while @kind-wolf is cooking bc apparently I’m developing this habit haha

Gaaah enough now! I’m gonna hit that ‘post’ button before self-doubt eats me alive! Hahaha see you in the comments/inbox/chat! 💛

TAGS (to be added to or to be removed from any list, shoot me an ask. Same goes for ‘Bratva’)

Everything: @idhrenniel @saibh29 @fuckthatfeeling @aya-fay @pebblesz892 @mblaqgi

The Assistant: @flowers-in-your-hayr

Bratva (people not on the lists but that might still be interested): @sweetvengeancee@theranskahovs @brobachev @kind-wolf

#vladimir ranskahov #vladimir daredevil #vladimir ranskahov x reader #vladimir daredevil x reader #vladimir ranskahov imagine #vladimir daredevil imagine #marvel imagine #marvel fanfic #vladimir ranskahov fanfic #vladimir daredevil fanfic #vladimir ranskahov fanfiction #marvel fanfiction #vladimir marvel #the assistant #angelaiswriting

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neo-shitty · 3 years

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toffee!

no dont apologise! i didnt check until just then so np :)

mmm yeah it is a bit trippy. hehe ITS TRUE THO. yeah sadly i think ur right, and tag blocking is probably a good idea. sometimes smut written well or not in excess is okay but goddamn when its abt 01 line and thats the whole fic... *silently blocks tags*

hehe i do that all the time lol this conversation is carrying on threads from a month ago :) mmm yeah ur probably right sadly, same. HA HE DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE and now i have someone to talk to abt them, so thats good! I KNOW felix was actually the one who got me into skz with his iconique gods menu line so i guess i have a soft spot for him. i always tell myself my bias is chan but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ guess im more whipped than id like to admit. mmm yeah that does make sense dw i hope they do that as well. YES king seungmin hIMSELF. GODDAMNIT DONT GET ME STARTED ON MINHO IN GODS MENU I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE WAS PART OF THE GROUP UNTIL I STARTED GETTING MORE INTO THEM. BITCH (affectionate) THE LINE DISTRIBUTION HAS BEEN UTTER DOG SHIT but *deep breath* its better now so were moving on adn hoping it stays that way. sis same but i may or may not have gone thru a rlly depressed phase and actively sought out the elimination episodes so i could actually force some tears out of my emotionless shell of a heart but what cna you do? lmaoo i feel that irl, binnie deserves more vocal lines. yesss channies accent is rlly prominent then, i think also the way he structures his phrasing? is more english speaking than korean? but yeah i totally get what ur saying. AJKSAL lmao

okay then! im excited for whenever it gets done! (maybe tag me?) ahh the cold shrivelled heart of a dark au writer beats again at the thought of torturing another poor characters very soul (/j) :(( yeah that would suck not being able to see them. ohhh ur on the other hemisphere to me! were just going into spring rn. mmm smth to look forward to! YES you put it into words. they rlly are pretty independent from the company (remember how jyp rejected that other dudes songs after like 3 seconds and then how he was apparently nervous to show the song hed written to chan cos chan was so good at writing hits ahhh sweet revenge) mmmYES we rlly need a mute and remove notifications button for our brains dont we?

YES CORRECT i totally agree. some people jsut dont give it a try, adn assume its bad cos its korean smh racist assholes. yes! im coming up to my 6 month anniv actually! sis sAME, i feel like theyre being tugged into appealing to the western american market and theyre not staying as true to their artistic flair as a group, especially with only writing english songs atm. *sigh* ah well, at least theyre bringing recognition to the kpop world. AHUH dead on, theyre going to be discarded pretty soon and then where will bp be? theyll prob go solo paths which is rlly sad but what can you do when the company is run by a prideful asshole? yg is not going to last much longer in the big four if they keep this up.

hehe you get it. oooh very cool! whos ur ult? (sorry if youve said this before) mmmm yeah good decision, i feel liek thats probably a wise decision. this is my first album release as a kpop stan (not counting mixtape oh) so i think ill get it for sentiments sake. yeah! im excited for the new music! mingi was the one who got me into them, but atm my bias is seonghwa followed by san, wooyoung and ateez but jonghos high notes man *swoon* he, yeah atm ive got jake, jay, nikki, jungwon and sunoo down so just trying to get the rest :) heh, yeah kard i rlly only got into cos of bm, ive seen him like interacting with a lot of idols and he seemed nice so i decided to check out the group. ikr gunshot man *another swoon*

no noe! i didnt know what it was until i got it lol. thx toffee ill try and take that to mind :) yeah lol im on a waiting list thats not going to be free until late september so hopefully i can hold on until then. hope ur okay, that sounds like it sucks, hope you can find someone. maybe ill just take you along on my phone and the therapist can get a two for one patient deal lmaooo. mmm, sorry no i havent mentioned it before, i dont rlly talk abt it much. uhhh basically hypermobility? if you google it, it doesnt seem bad, jsut joint flexibility but ive got the severe end of the stick, leaning towards ehlers danlos syndrome so thats fun. basically it just makes it hard for me to exercise, run, jump, stand or just walk for long periods of time and gives me a lot of joint and muscle pain so... thats fun! but obviously so many other people have it worse than me, so i try not to complain. normally in young people it will improve as they get older, but my doctor said bc its severe in me, its unlikely to get much better. but again, i dont have the worst lot in the bunch, so its all g.

oh its good that its not the bad type of rain, a light sprinkling can be relaxing sometimes. aww thx darl, the concern is appreciated but it went pretty well and i managed not to cough too much on stage or kill myself trying to run around to the other side of the stage in the pouring rain so thats good! oooh tea buddies! my dogs a labradoodle, but shes a bit more of a feral poodle lol not much labrador in her at all, unless its her relentless urge to hunt down every bird that has ever walked this earth smh :((( hopefully they can come back on soon, does uni have dances?

ahhh a mood if i ever heard one. hopefully things will get better for you soon, ik anxiety sucks ass. ooh thats always good! when its sunny here, its always melt ur thongs to the pavement hot so the nicely cool sunny days are a lovely change. hehe impatience is not so good for you, but good for us that get to see ur beautiful theme early. ahh no worries, itll come eventually hopefully. and if not, then just things that make you not anxious are good. it doesnt have to be black or white, sometimes gray is good. mmmmm sames i have midterms this week to catch up on and then two weeks of end of terms so thats fun! i hope u can overcome that a little, heres some channie to be ur motivation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8LWyNjzOww. hah! i hear that all the time, he seems to be everywhere. did you see that tiktok of hans slowed back door rap, i stg it sounded EXACTLY like namjoon, it kinda scared me. also teh beginning of another day, sounds so much like joon i swear.

that reminds me! idk ur biases! i feel like this should be smth i should know so please! feel free to elaborate!

ahh im glad, i was worried it is. mmm same, so no hard feelings if either of us misses a day or smth. ill start worrying if weeks/months have gone by, but if its just a little while thats more than fine. ill just picture you studiously completing notes and i wont worry lol

<3 w.a. 🐺

at some point i really think i'm going to start blocking accounts because blocking tags won't be enough. i saw ask tags the other day and it just made me want to bleach my eyeballs.

i could talk about god's menu felix for hours man. the teaser for god's menu that featured his part on the bridge made me look forward to the mv release. you: biases chan, also you: lixiesbabyhands. yes you are more whipped than you think. i can't believe orange haired minho was given NOTHING during that era but they kind of made up for it in the b-sides. i also hope it stays that way. the distribution for this era was pretty fair.

"torturing another poor character's soul" in all honesty, i used to live for this. 2017 me leading up to early 2020 wrote nothing but angst. i have another aussie friend on twt and tbh i'm still really (O.o) about the seasons! jyp should be terrified skz could easily take over that company. heck if skz grow old and start their own company, they'd probably do a great job at running it. PLEASE. i have issues on muting/notifications both mentally and in real life. sometimes, i just wish to disappear.

some people in my country are just disgusting tbh. not only racist but homophobic too. they label kpop as 'gay' and it DISGUSTS me. it's a problematic behavior/mindset people in my country need to fucking get rid of. anyway, HELP ME 6 MONTHS??? and i've been in this shit for like a decade eye. tbh, i’m not fond of kpop groups trying to appeal to the western audience :// it feels like they’re losing their identity in a way. yes recognition but at what cost? yg has my favorite groups but that’s one shitty company when it comes to promoting.

okay my ult! it’s haechan from nct but i consider chan an ult too. like a close second above my whopping list of kpop boys. oh yes! you should get the album just for like a keepsake? remembrance? how did mingi appeal to you? omg did you start getting interested in ateez back when he was still on hiatus? NOT YOU BIASING THE SAME PEOPLE I DID WHEN I FIRST STARTED STANNING. the infamous ateez thot-line. jongho is easily one of the best fourth gen vocalists out here, no one can change my mind :( good luck with memorizing the rest of enhypen! just in time for the comeback too. i hope i’ll get into kard soon but i’m pretty content (and a tad bit overwhelmed) with the amount of groups i stan right now.

please hold on though, feel free to vent here if you like. thanks for the offer tho HAHA but like i’ll try to get checked here too when the cases die down a bit. i’m sorry to hear about your condition though :( please don’t ever overwork yourself to the point that your joints/muscles would ache. it’s completely valid to complain about it tho. i get that you have others in mind but keeping that mindset really doesn’t do you (like you internally) any better? so if you need to, vent your frustrations out and don’t keep it in.

oh my god, about your performance last sunday. was the stage out in the open? glad you didn’t cough too much and did well on your concert. i’m proud of you! i can never understand dogs and poor birds T_T uni doesn’t have dances unfortunately. i think there’s just one party at the end like a graduation ball. what year are you in anyway? if it’s something that you’re fine with sharing. if not, it’s cool.

good luck with your exams! and thanks for the link! AHA what a cutie. i think he does this motivation thing once in a while during his lives and it’s just comforting. yeah joon and han my irl just freaked when we made that discovery. ult crumbs for her. oh god not me forgetting about every biases when you asked. you can ask for my biases in a few groups just list down the one’s you’re interested in knowing.

i missed yesterday because i was grinding and finishing what if we stay + school work. finally did it today. i’m sure i’ll reply in like a day or two, definitely not a month unless i state otherwise. if i ever decide to abandon this blog, i’ll let you know.

#toff.asks #wild anon 🐺

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