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beguines · 3 years

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Podcast Recommendations for Christian Mystics, Religious Leftists, and Others:

Descriptions are taken from the podcasts/their websites, not written by me. Some of these I enjoy or recommend more than others, but tastes vary. Favorites of mine are starred. These recommendations aren't considered an endorsement of all the content within, even those that I consider my favorites. I hope this list can be helpful for some!

Encountering Silence: Encountering Silence explores the beauty and importance of silence from many angles, not just the religious/spiritual/mystical, but also reflecting on the psychology of silence, silence and the arts, silence and politics, silence and education… the list goes on. For a topic that we often don't devote a lot of time and energy to, silence certainly has an important (if quiet!) role in all our lives. ⭐

Faith & Capital: Faith and Capital is a show inviting Christians to participate in the struggle for emancipation from the system of capitalism. ⭐⭐⭐

The Liberation Theology Podcast: A weekly look at the basic concepts of Latin American liberation theology with David Inczauskis, SJ. ⭐⭐⭐ (A great introduction to liberation theology for those who are perhaps less familiar with the subject; episode 4 in particular explores the tensions and relationship between Christianity and Marxism.)

Turning to the Mystics: Turning to the Mystics is a podcast for people searching for something more meaningful, intimate and richly present in the divine gift of their lives. James Finley, clinical psychologist and Living School faculty, offers a modern take on the historical contemplative practices of Christian mystics like Teresa of Avila and John of the Cross. Leaning into their experiences can become a gateway to hope, healing and oneness. Together with Kirsten Oates from the Center for Action and Contemplation, they explore listener questions and examine their own paths as modern contemplatives in this beautiful and broken world. ⭐⭐⭐

Deus Ex Musica: Hosted by Delvyn Case, the Deus Ex Musica Podcast explores the many fascinating intersections between music and the Christian faith. Each episode features a guest who discusses their journey as a musician and a Christian, then dives deeper into their work.

PTR (Post-structuralist Tent Revival): Continental philosophy, theology, useless commentary on various issues. (This was a particularly good episode)

On Being: A Peabody Award-winning public radio show and podcast. What does it mean to be human? How do we want to live? And who will we be to each other? Each week a new discovery about the immensity of our lives. Hosted by Krista Tippett. (As On Being has a massive archive, here's one of my favorite episodes)

Sufi Heart: The Sufi Heart podcast with Omid Safi features teachings and stories about a sacred tradition of love, one that manifests outwardly as justice and inwardly as tenderness. Drawing primarily on the wisdom of the Islamic tradition as well as the legacies of the Civil Rights movements and other wisdom teachings, Omid invites you to a meditation on the transformative power of love and recalling the necessity of linking healing our own hearts with healing the world. ⭐⭐⭐ (Episodes one through five are particularly special to me and I love to revisit them. Omid Safi has the most wonderful, melodic voice and I could listen to it forever.)

Another Name for Every Thing: Another Name for Every Thing with Richard Rohr is a conversational podcast series on the deep connections between action and contemplation. Richard is joined by two students of the Christian contemplative path, Brie Stoner and Paul Swanson, who seek to integrate the wisdom amidst diapers, disruptions, and the shifting state of our world.

Homilies with Richard Rohr: From time to time Fr. Richard speaks at his local parish, Holy Family Church, in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

The Magnificast: Started in the wake of Donald Trump’s inauguration in the United States, The Magnificast is a podcast exploring Christianity and the political left. A lot of people around the world are looking for ways to resist growing reactionary trends, but don’t know where to start. We think the Christian tradition and the tradition of leftist politics provide unique resources, historical examples, and theoretical tools for engaging these problems in ways that go beyond the usual conservative/liberal divide that characterizes a lot of Christian and political discourse. Inspired by Mary’s song of praise, we talk about how to fill the hungry with good things and send the rich away empty. ⭐⭐⭐ (There are too many good episodes to pick and choose what to highlight. They have some great ones about unions and organized labor that I would recommend to anyone who is less familiar with these things!)

Homebrewed Christianity: Our job us to get you the best audiological ingredients so you can brew your own faith. Each episode centers around an interview with a different thinker, theologian, or philosopher. ⭐ (A great listen for people who are more interested in intense dives into theological topics.)

Things Not Seen: Conversations about culture and faith. Things Not Seen is an independent radio show and podcast that features in-depth interviews with nationally recognized guests. Each week, we welcome authors, musicians, politicians, filmmakers, and more.

Lonely Mountain Mystics: For those finding faith or losing it; for those who feel they no longer fit where they once did. For those who have been hurt, helped, broken or healed by faith experience and find that their current spiritual journey has led them wandering some place wild, unknown and far from home; you’re not alone. "A podcast for the spiritually homeless", the show follows the hosts conversations about faith, love, and how to practice them.

Public Theologians: As public theologians, Jerran and Casey believe that everything about us says something about God and something about the world. The late theologian James Cone phrased it like this: "theology is political language. What people think about God, Jesus Christ, and the church cannot be separated from their own social and political status in a society." While silence on issues that have been deemed by religious talking heads as secondary matters (from poverty to war to movements) will always be an easier route, we know that there has to be a better way. We’re here to push for that better way.

Bread and Rosaries: A UK podcast about Christianity and the left. (This is a relatively new podcast that I have yet to listen to, but what a great name!)

#resource #theology #podcasts #christianity #islam #these should all be available on just about any platform you use to listen to podcasts!#this took a bit to compile so apologies for any bad links or typos #recs

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chanluster · 4 years

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future works

just some future projects i would really like to do ! even though i have literally zero time since school is about to start but we love overworking!!

i will keep adding to these as i’m constantly getting ideas !!

1 — the consequences of boredom | lee felix — {m} {c} {f}

summary — you and felix were not suited for the wild chaos of friday night parties and wasting yourself away to strangers. instead, you were suited for spontaneity, wild car rides to nowhere, and each other.

warnings — 1980s! skater boy! felix, reader and felix are basically losers, felix is also a mf stoner, best boy though, a lot of alcohol consumption, swearing, drug usage, unsafe driving, making out, teasing, (kind of) dirty talk, fingering, oral (f. receiving), unprotected sex (stay safe homies!!), orgasming, felix is the softest mf dom, reader is whiny but felix handles is so well, slight bit of fluff, slight bit of angst, and yeh!

expected word count — 5-8k

2 — 10/10 | bang chan — {m} {f} — DONE !!!

summary — you and bang chan had no secrets between one other. each detail of your life would be discussed with your best friend of forever, no matter how insignificant it may be, through a little system you both had concocted — through a small rating. a number out of ten. a simple concept, used from being a child and rating your cookie a solid eight out of ten to your later years in high school, giving your first kiss a measly five. however, when you confess an average rating of your sex life in one hazy evening, chan decides this dilemma cannot be solved with buying you consolation cookies. he must simply raise that rating, all by himself.

warnings — friends to lovers! au, college! au, music! major chan, music! major reader, you both are literally soulmates, came out the womb holding hands, so much teasing, sexual! tension! so! much! fucking! sexual! tension! chan has a massive fucking cock (i mean isn’t it obvious already), shit loads of making out, aggression, fingering, oral (f. and m. receiving), unprotected sex (stay safe homies!!!), semi-public sex, (kinda) hate sex, orgasming left and right, ex! hyunjin, who’s also really bad at sex lmfaoaoao sorry king, chan is a massive massive massive dom, but there will be soft dom moments, shit ton of fluff, teensy weensy bit of angst, and basically yeh basically me venting out my love for chan once again.

expected word count — 10k +

3 — forgive me, father | lee felix

— {m} {f}

summary — felix’s only desire was to draw saints, please god and help the sinners of florence. you, on the other hand, only desired the little church boy, painting away in the cold halls of the cathedral. so when you stroll into confession, uttering your pleasured sins to him, blushing felix decides to change you for the better, not knowing he’s being led to a change of his own.

warnings — churchboy! felix, art model! and rich daughter of a lord! reader, set in 15th century florence cause the v i b e s!!! felix is initially a very good boy, hyunjin is his massive fuckboy friend, some fluff, sooooo much dirty talk, oral (m. receiving), kind of sub! felix but gradually gets more confident, reader KNOWS she is sexy as fuck!!! (as y’all should be feeling too 🤬) kind of whiny felix, orgasming, semi-public sex, basically a shitshow

word count — 10-15k

4 — aboard the han | han jisung — {m} {c}

summary — being on board the ship of the most notorious pirate to sail the seven seas was not necessarily the most ideal situation for you, a mere scullery maid who only wished to escape her dull life. han jisung, the captain of han, has other ideas for you — consisting on making you scrub the decks, make the food, watch his back for traitors all around him. most importantly, though, through indecipherable stares and greedy hands, he wants you by his side.

warnings — carribean pirate! jisung, scullery maid! reader, jisung is such a filthy motherfucker, reader is a massive brat, based around the west indies, will have to include fictional details as there weren’t any koreans lurking in that area, quartermaster! changbin, jisung is a fucking tease, a few slang sprinkled here and there, shit ton of language, sexual innuendo, will see misogynistic attitudes, chan is a villain baby i’m so sorry, jisung is so fucking hot, aggressive as fuck, sexual! tension! making out, fingering, oral (f. receiving) unprotected sex (stay safe homies!!) edging, orgasming, basically this is a shitshow

word count — 10-15k

back to masterlist

#stray kids #skz #stray kids imagines #skz imagines #stray kids smut #kpop imagines #stray kids fluff #stray kids dark hours #stray kids soft hours #skz smut #skz oneshots #stray kids oneshot #kpop smut #stray kids hard hours #future works #hopefully i can do these before second half of 2021 #will keep adding to this !!

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devinsfm · 4 years

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joe keery. cis male. he/him. ／ jack devin just pulled up blasting video killed the radio star by the buggles — that song is so them ! you know, for a twenty - four year old radio show host, i’ve heard they’re really impulsive, but that they make up for it by being so captivating. if i had to choose three things to describe them, i’d probably say obscure vintage horror comics, blurry photographs of mysterious figures in the woods, and vivid descriptions of spine - chilling tales . here’s to hoping they don’t cause too much trouble ! ( sam, 23, est, she/her )

hey there, demons ! *ba tum tss* i’m sam and i never do this, but i really felt like it was time for a change, so i drew lots of inspiration from some of my favorite ocs and i love what i’ve come up with ! character info is under the cut and please feel free to message me if you would like to plot !

i. stats

𝔣𝔲𝔩𝔩 𝔫𝔞𝔪𝔢: jackson willard devin

𝔭𝔯𝔢𝔣𝔢𝔯𝔯𝔢𝔡 𝔫𝔞𝔪𝔢𝔰: jack, spooky guy, the night watchman

𝔥𝔬𝔪𝔢𝔱𝔬𝔴𝔫: salem, massachusetts

𝔡𝔞𝔱𝔢 𝔬𝔣 𝔟𝔦𝔯𝔱𝔥: ocotber 31st, 1995

𝔷𝔬𝔡𝔦𝔞𝔠: scorpio

𝔬𝔯𝔦𝔢𝔫𝔱𝔞𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫: demisexual

𝔬𝔠𝔠𝔲𝔭𝔞𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫: host of the graveyard shift, a radio program airing every weeknight from 12am to 5am

𝔭𝔬𝔰. 𝔱𝔯𝔞𝔦𝔱𝔰: captivating, witty, resolute.

𝔫𝔢𝔤. 𝔱𝔯𝔞𝔦𝔱𝔰: impulsive, gauche, naive.

ii. history

jackson willard “jack” devin was born on halloween day ( yes, really ) in salem massachusetts ( yes, really ). his mother stayed home with him as he was growing up while his father is a boston cop turned sheriff of the county and he’s an only child.

outside of the popular tourist spots, his hometown has a very close - knit, stuck in the 80s vibe. it’s the sort of place where everyone knows everyone for their entire lives because no one ever leaves and no one new ever moves in. phone and internet signals are nearly impossible to come by, so the local arcade and the video store still have quite a booming business in the year 2020. jack grew up in a not - so - typical small town suburban gothic environment, his dad’s income being just enough for them to get by every month.

he was an energetic kid who cycled through all sorts of interests, trying out everything from little league ( disaster ) to music lessons ( not as much of a disaster, but he wound up getting bored of it ). nothing seemed to really stick until he got his first horror comic : a vintage issue of tales from the crypt with tattered, yellowing pages. he was five years old and paid five cents for it at an elderly neighbor’s yard sale and from that moment on he was hooked. it started with the comics, but he quickly expanded his horizons to movies, books, and television in the genre of horror.

he got intro drawing and that was the only thing besides his newfound interest in horror that he could sit still for. at first he would just try to re - draw the panels in his comic books, but soon he was drawing anything and everything that caught his interest and he was getting good. he was being homeschooled by his mother at the time, but once friends and family and, well, everyone took notice of his skill, they were encouraging his parents to nurture his talent.

his parents fought about it. his dad didn’t see the value in his skill and wanted him to instead focus on academics, aspiring towards his son one day becoming a lawyer or a businessman or even following in his footsteps. jack never wanted that for himself. he was homeschooled by his mom up until then and she believed in him. it was with her blessing that he would go to a real school for the first time at the age of fourteen, starting off his freshman year at a high school that was a thirty minute train ride away in boston and catered exclusively to youth who demonstrated an exceptional talent in some area of the fine arts.

jack did well in school, but his grades probably would have been a lot better still if he didn’t start purposely acting out as his relationship with his dad got worse and worse. he started skipping classes, getting caught trespassing in cemeteries at 2am, and smoking a lot of weed.

when it came time for college, jack planned to attend art school. he swears he did. he looked a few schools on the west coast to get away from his dad for a few years yikes and planned to apply, but on the deadline date he got so high that he forgot to submit his portfolios. yes, really.

he loaded up his van ( a turquiose monstrosity he painted to look like the mystery machine ) and headed out to california anyway after telling his parents that he would be attending UCLA. of course, they quickly found it that it was a lie and his dad was furious. the two got into a huge fight over the phone and things were said. the result is that jack and his father haven’t spoken to each other ever since.

he did lots of odd jobs while he was on the road and basically lived in his van, which didn’t change right away when he decided to settle in LA, but he eventually got a job fetching coffee for the late night employees at a local radio station.

it was the typical, cliché story : the regular late night host called out of work at the last minute, there was no one else around and they were going to be on air in ten seconds. jack was thrown in front of the microphone and told to think fast !

he did, and the listeners loved him for it. whether it was his ramblings about horror movies or his thick boston accent or his reckless use of swear words on live radio, he turned out to be a massive hit. the successful night earned him a gig as an occasional substitute deejay, and with each broadcast he grew more and more popular, and about two years ago he was finally given his own program.

the graveyard shift is a radio program that airs every weeknight from 12am - 5am in the los angeles area and on apps such as iheartradio. jack hosts the show as his ( thinly veiled ) alter ego the night watchmen and discusses topics such as the paranormal, conspiracy theories, and all things horror. it’s one of the most popular programs of the time slot in the country.

it’s something that he never expected or picturing himself doing, but now he can’t imagine doing anything else. he’s become really passionate about revitalizing the field and bringing radio into the 21st century. he signed a HUGE contract with the studio when his show first started and now he’s a quite well known radio personality in the area and across the country.

iii. extras

huge stoner. high as fuck 90% of the time, and the other 10% of the time he’s probably still high, just not as fuck.

well known for his on air antics. he’ll light a joint in the middle of his radio show, he’ll prank call a friend and broadcast it to the entire city, he’ll curse in every single sentence and skate by on the after hours excuse when he’s reprimanded for it. he’s so outlandish and bizarre and like nothing that’s ever been heard on the radio before, and it just draws people in.

he often seems shy in person, but it’s more like he’s just a little socially awkward, something which also shines through in occasional non - malicious but blunt remarks and general lack of regard for what people think of him. he really just...doesn’t care.

genuinely seems to believe it’s either halloween day and / or the year 1986 at any given moment as that’s about as recent as his pop culture references get. he’s never heard of the k*rdashians, he doesn’t know what the mcu is, and the phrase yeet means absolutely nothing to him. mention any of it to him and he’ll just stare blankly bc he honestly doesn’t have a clue.

HOWEVER, he did start the area 51 meme from last summer. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

still draws. especially if he has to still for a stretch of time, then he’ll take out his latest sketchbook ( he goes through a lot of them ) and start doodling. he’s still quite good, mostly in his favored comic - esque style.

BIG CHAOTIC ENERGY and ZERO IMPULSE CONTROL

a chatterbox with friends but don’t be fooled...he’s been giving his own dad the silent treatment for almost seven ( 7 ) years now. it’s his preferred method of expressing anger towards someone because he isn’t really a fan of confrontation, but he’s maybe a liiiittle bit stubborn.

most of the time he’s a really easygoing person, a good friend and very loyal to the people he cares about. well - meaning, not the best at advice but he’s more likely to try and cheer a person up anyway.

he has a pet pied ball python named the crypt keeper ( tkc for short ) who he sometimes just carries with him because he likes to just chill wrapped around jack’s hand and arm.

iv. wanted connections

maternal or paternal cousins ( their grandparents probably live in boston or new england but otherwise anything goes for this )

close friends

friends

guests on his radio show

fans / haters of his radio show

people who don’t like him / find him annoying

exes ( 1 - 2, can be on good or bad terms )

“casually dating” but it might get real complicated soon - allie james

( these are just ideas and i’m trash at coming up with stuff, so please don’t feel limited by what’s listed here. )

#excess:intro #drugs tw #i decided that i needed something new but i just ''created'' this ''new character'' instead #countdown until i mess up his name has officially begun

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bambihanson · 5 years

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The altered characters + the significantly altered lore of my just now birthed Vampire AU

If you care to read it… first of all, I love you, second of all, in that case hit read more

Lore

Magicians in this universe are full blown witches; their powers are innate, they don’t get it from the world around them.

Which makes them much more powerful in a way, but they still govern themselves.

Gods are still very much a thing and witches are kind of at their mercy because they’re still the reason witches have powers in the first place

Being a witch is genetic, kind of like being a magician (basically if both your parents are witches you’ll be a witch too)

Witches are also kind of immortal; they live roughly 300-500 years, depending. But there’s no such thing as true immortality because they can be killed, along with every other supposedly immortal creature

Vampires and werewolves were both created by witches thousands of years ago

Being a werewolf is genetic (not some STD, but still, fuck a werewolf at your own risk unless you have a predator/prey kink), and they were originally created by witches to be guardians to them from other supernatural forces. However, they realized the werewolves had a few significant weaknesses, such as mortality (they live about as long as humans) and also they can be hurt/killed just as easily as a human. So then they made vampires.

Vampires are the OP version of witch guardians, as they got carried away trying to create something stronger than werewolves. They’re technically not undead, but for the sake of humanity, cannot reproduce. They need to feed on blood to keep up their energy; magic basically flows through their veins. They can do some magic because of this but not nearly to the extent of witches; mainly party trick level stuff. Like werewolves they have superhuman speed and strength, but on top of that they’re immortal and can only be killed by decapitation or a piece of wood/silver through the heart (or just straight-up ripping their heart out). Also, they’re immune to pretty much everything except wood and silver and the vampire mythos is basically human speculation from when they first popped up. Same with werewolves.

If you turn a witch into a vampire, the witch will lose their powers * Vampirism is an STD (supernaturally transmitted disease). If you get vampire blood in your blood, then you’re pretty much guaranteed to turn into one.

Brakebills still exists, as do hedge witches. Self-taught and school-taught witches still do not like each other.

The Library still exists, and they do govern witches to an extent, the only significant difference being that they don’t have any control over magic as, as stated before, it is innate and from the Gods. Granted, there are ways to limit a witch’s power when they deem necessary.* Fillory still exists, though it comes into play in a different way

Characters

Quentin Coldwater is a normal guy: still a huge nerd that’s obsessed with Fillory and Further, but normal. Until he ends up getting turned into a vampire and gets taken in by Eliot and Margo, who basically make him their little pet project. Pet is not as kinky as it sounds but there is definitely Queliot in this. Starts off stumbling, awkward, and kind of self-loathing but eventually grows into himself.

Eliot Waugh is a vampire, born in the 1860s and still has very much kept his Victorian flair. He can’t remember a majority of the 60s and 70s because he was a drugged up madman the whole time. He and Margo met in the 1980s; funnily enough at a Denny’s in the middle of the night. He’s very much a hedonist, but isn’t as aggressive with feeding as Margo: he prefers voluntary feeders that he keeps by his side. Which he was gonna try to get Quentin to agree to when oops, he fucking becomes a vampire. Which is massively unhelpful. But he manages to talk Margo into “keeping” him. His obsession with the flavor of the month is very literal in this case.

Margo Hanson, the Vampire King of New York City (she killed the last vampire King and took his title verbatim), is pretty ruthless, but she has a soft spot. She will rip into a human like a Thanksgiving turkey no problem, and treats life and her rule the same way, though Eliot tries to be a voice of reason and will hold her back when she tries to take it too far. Basically everyone except for a few close friends are terrified of her. Her name is whispered through the vampire underworld of NYC with a mixture of fear and arousal. Despite her ferocity, she has a lot of self control when it comes to blood lust (not so much with decision making but that’s a whole other can of worms). She’s older than Eliot; she was born in the 1780s.

Julia Wicker, Quentin’s childhood best friend, stumbles across Brakebills and discovers that holy shit, she’s a witch! She does as much research as possible on vampires to try and help Quentin out. She’s still very much into the pursuit of magical knowledge. Adorable but could kick your ass with her magic. She’s one of the top students at the school and is very well aware of that as Dean Fogg says it to her face every time he sees her.

Alice Quinn, born in the 1950s and your classic self-loathing vampire next door. She has little to no control over her bloodlust, and is basically pinned to Margo’s side because Margo actually tries to help her. Mainly because she doesn’t want any rouge vampires running around her city. Alice mainly drinks animal blood because if she gets a taste of the human stuff she goes absolutely bonkers (granted, an animal blood diet is hard for vampires as animal blood is different to the point where it’s possible to be allergic to the blood of certain species). She turns into the AU’s equivalent of Niffin Alice when she goes rouge. Also wears jeans and t-shirts all the time instead of skirts, y’all are welcome.

Kady Orloff-Diaz, the big bad werewolf chick. Helps Margo keep peace with the werewolves in the city. Kady resents being called an Alpha because that’s a myth, but she definitely takes on a natural leadership role. She’s fiercely loyal and protective of the people she cares about. Definitely someone to stay on the good side of.

Penny Adiyodi, a witch who specializes in teleportation and psychic abilities. He ends up at Brakebills as well with Julia. Has aspects of both 23 and 40 Penny; he has a good side but will not hesitate to fight you on sight if you annoy him. Begrudgingly accepts Quentin into his life because goddammit he likes Julia and he’s her favorite person so he kind of has to. Kind of into Julia and Kady at the same time and would rather not choose between them.

Josh Hoberman, a werewolf and surprisingly Kady’s right hand man. He’s very good natured and dorky, and also a stoner, but he can bake like nobody’s fucking business so Margo and Eliot like having him around.

Fen, the high Queen-King of Fillory. Calls herself this because she took on both roles after her husband (the king she was promised to) died. Very sweet and innocent, but also knows when to put her foot down and take charge. Not that Fillory isn’t still a mess, even though she’s trying her best. Tick and Rafe are her partners in crime... or, well, ruling.

Dean Henry Fogg is still the head of Brakebills, and he’s only slightly less jaded if only because he hasn’t watched his favorite students die 39 times. Still grumpy because he’s dealing with dumbass 20-somethings, most of which are only just now discovering they can do magic, on a daily basis. He thinks Julia is the best thing to ever happen to his school and would happily kill/die for her.

Marina Andrieski, the big bad hedge witch of Brooklyn and Kady’s ex-girlfriend. Still very much chaotic neutral but cares for her friends and colleagues, though she doesn’t always show it. Definitely is the thorn in the side of a lot of witches in the city, and takes pride in that. She is the knife cat meme personified.

Todd is Todd. He will not be overlooked. Definitely kind of takes Eliot’s role as the party guy who knows everybody, though he still lacks the sophistication. Still charming in his own way, though.

#i figured out out so quick since i stole a lot from an original story of mine #but i mean it's not plagarism if you're just copying yourself #the magicians

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justtryingyaknow · 5 years

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Guys I'm so sorry for being sappy on my tumblr tonight but just uuuugh. I want to talk about cory to anyone and everyone but I also don't want to be that friend that's like way oversharing and way over dominating the conversation. So just here have a brain dump about things related to my new relationship.

1. We walked over 45 minutes on our first date and he made some comment about holding my hand so we basically (less than 3 hours after meeting) walked well over a mile just holding hands and talking.

2. Our first date went from lunch to dinner because we had spent so long together. And then it went from lunch to breakfast because neither of us could bring ourself to end the date. I had a 26 hour first date.

3. He has a lot of physical comedy bits. My favorite is when he fake flirts and pops his hip and wags his eyebrows. Simultaneously adorable, funny and somehow still wildly seductive.

4. He falls into a bad Russian accent all the time.

5. The first fight I ever got into with my ex was that he lied to me about being high. I will never have this fight with cory. Because I just assume he is high. How did I end up dating a major functional stoner hell if I know but it's chill as shit.

6. He is. MASSIVE. 6'4" broad and strong as hell. I finally found my mountain human. He casually picks me up with no problem and like shit son. This is the dream. Also he's like my personal dream man. I have such a specific type for men (as I've said before I have zero preference in women they're all gorgeous but men I am particular about) and he is ALL OF THOSE THINGS. mildly hipster, beautiful eyes, beard, strong profile, tattoos. Ugh. I just find him WILDLY INTOXICATING.

7. On our first fucking date we discussed how right everything felt and though we didn't want to be weird we both had this weird feeling that that was it. We found the one.

8. I have never wanted kids. I want to raise a family with this man. And that's just wild to me.

9. Drew a crappy little drawing of him and he texted me about it over and over and it's the background of his phone.

10. Hes trusting and open and that's very new and very incredible. He is incredible. God I feel so lucky.

#i am so sorry #i just #ugh #im in love with this person #and its silly #but hes so good #and so good for me #and to me #screaming into the void #exulting into the void #scream into the void #you can block scream into the void if you want to ignore my personal posts

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kpopreactionstoruinyourlife · 6 years

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I was tagged by @justsomekpopstuff!

Rules: tag 10 tumblrs you’d like to get know better

Name: Katelynn, or Katie, depends on when you met me. Everyone who knew me through high school knows me as and still calls me Katie, but everyone who met me afteer I started college calls me Katelynn.

Gender: cis-female

Star Sign: Scorpio

Height: 5 feet 2 inches

Middle Name: Joann, not my favorite but the women whose names that is built from are badass.

Put your iTunes on shuffle. What are the first 6 songs that pop up?

I Would - Day6

BoomBoom - Seventeen

I Need Somebody - Day6

Dear No One - Tori Kelly (fun fact: Katherine has maintained that this song is basically about my love life, since freshman year of high school)

By Now - Marianas Trench

Like A Dream - Luhan

Admittedly, a lot of tracks came up that were actually standup and I didn’t use those because they’re not songs.

Grab the book nearest to you and turn to page 23. What’s line 17?

Book: What Happened by Hillary Rodham Clinton, autographed copy (fun Clinton stories: I recall attending a Hillary Clinton campaign event in 2008 with my father. I have an autographed version of the book because she did a signing at my local Barnes and Noble - we went the day after and picked up a couple copies.)

Line 17: “One last act of kindness from a borough that had been good to us again and again.”

Ever had a poem or song written about you?

I think my angsty, hipster, stoner ex-boyfriend from freshman year was writing a song about me at one point, but he’s also the type to say that to every girl he’s in a relationship with.

When was the last time you played air guitar?

Probably when I went to Korean karoake a couple months ago with people from work.

Who is your celebrity crush?

In the superhero arena, I love Chris Evans and Mark Ruffalo, the latter partially because of his activism. In the more general actor arena, I think Dylan O’Brien is very attractive. I currently have a massive girl crush on Gal Gadot but also Kamala Harris because she rocks. I’ve been following Harris since her speech at the Women’s March in Washington. In the asian pop music arena, I have many; Sungjin, Luhan, Jun, Eunwoo, Sehun, Jinyoung, and Jin to name a few.

Do you believe in ghosts? Aliens?

I think they are probably other forms of life in space but I do not think about it. I also think those that have left this living world aren’t completely gone.

Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

I do drive and I have crashed more than once. The worst one (the others were mostly scraping things) was when I got ensnared in a minor pile-up. That killed my highlander, but now I drive a smaller RAV4 that beeps if I leave my lane or am tailgating and I’ve worked on my road rage (but I dare you to drive in NoVA without getting road rage because no one uses a turn signal and in some areas, they refuse to go the speed limit even though everyone else views the speed limit as a mere suggestion.)

What was the last book you read?

I audio-booked Inferior: How Science got Women Wrong and the New Research That’s Rewriting the Story by Angela Saini while at work. Then I properly read Rejected Princesses by Jason Porath. I recommend both books.

Do you like the smell of petrol?

Nope

What was the last movie you saw?

In theaters, I just saw Justice League. Not enough Wonder Woman for me but a good movie. Otherwise, I just watched The Decoy Bride on netflix. I have a soft spot for David Tennant.

What’s the wrost injury you have ever had?

In middle school, I got my fingers on my right hand caught between panels of a garage door because I was trying to close it and it did not have a handle. I ended up losing the finger nail on my middle nail from the bleeding and still have scars on my pointer and ring finger pads. The other fun element of that is I went on antibiotics, but I react to sulfa-class antibiotics so I got a rash. At the same time I got a cold. My mom thought I had streep so she got my streep tested, with a big q-tip shoved down my throat until she remembered, the rash was because of the drugs. Now I always tell doctors I react to sulf-class antibiotics.

Do you have any obsessions right now?

Right now I am so obsessed with the No Such Thing As A Fish podcast and kpop and finishing the semester.

Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

It depends.

In a relationship?

Nope. But! There is a guy who keeps flirting with me at work and another guy my friend is trying to set me up with (we went out as a group Saturday and I impressed him with my chopstick skills and he called me a wizard - he impressed me with his laser tag skills.) My flirting skills are rusty. I’ll keep you posted with any developments!

I Tag: just any one who wants to do this. I’d dlove to get to know more people! Or feel free to just send us a random message.

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agalarianzigzagoon · 7 years

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gonna put this under a read more because sara wanted me to answer them all >_>

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? i honestly have no idea. 2. Are you outgoing or shy? i’m pretty outgoing unless my anxiety is acting up. 3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? i’m potentially buying a ticket to RTX off of someone, so i’d be looking forward to seeing everyone there. 4. Are you easy to get along with? as long as you don’t give me shit, yes. 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? i wholeheartedly believe yes (after being texted multiple memes). 6. What kind of people are you attracted to? funny, caring, basically as long as you’re a fucking memer like i am we’re gucci. 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? i hope so .^. 8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? he knows who he is :p 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? sometimes? idk it’s weird. 10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? i’m p sure it was aidan because The Depression hit. 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “yeah this is the shit i come up with when i’m bored” to vix 12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? everything is alright- motion city soundtrack, time won’t let me go- the bravery, breaking and entering- tonight alive, screw eyes- color therapy, the hills- the weeknd 13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? i would literally melt into a puddle. 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? absolutely 15. What good thing happened this summer? staying up way too late playing stupid fucking video games. 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? absolutely not he turned into such a scumbag holy shit 17. Do you think there is life on other planets? i dunno, but it’d be cool to find out for certain. 18. Do you still talk to your first crush? nope, i haven’t seen him since my school closed after 6th grade. 19. Do you like bubble baths? don’t have an operational bath because the pipes are cracked, but i never really took baths. 20. Do you like your neighbors? my neighbors to the left of me (if you’re looking at my house) are weird as fuck, neighbor to the left is the sweetest person you’ll ever meet 21. What are your bad habits? biting my nails, cracking my joints really loudly. 22. Where would you like to travel? i really want to go somewhere cold. i’d love to see the northern lights. 23. Do you have trust issues? very severe ones. 24. Favorite part of your daily routine? when i’m at work, coming home and being able to destress because my work environment is shit. when i’m off, going out and goofing off with niko. 25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? pretty much all of it, honestly. 26. What do you do when you wake up? flop around looking for my glasses. 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? i’m fine where it is right now. 28. Who are you most comfortable around? anyone from the discord chats i’m in and the few friends i retained from high school (aka sascha and inky). 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? it wasn’t even a breakup it was just “oh i moved away and mostly forgot about you” so i don’t even consider him an ex. 30. Do you ever want to get married? yeye. 31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? that’s my hairstyle of choice. 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? bitch what. no. 33. Spell your name with your chin. kzasgtkied (could be worse) 34. Do you play sports? What sports? nope, but i like screaming at hockey. 35. Would you rather live without TV or music? tv. i pretty much only keep it on as background noise anyway. 36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? yeah, and it sucked but oh well, things happen for a reason. 37. What do you say during awkward silences? “sooooo.......” 38. Describe your dream girl/guy? funny, willing to stick by even if things get bad, likes memes as much as i do. i’m not really picky and they don’t need to have the same interests that i do because i love hearing about things that i may not have any idea about. 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? i really don’t have any? 40. What do you want to do after high school? well i’m already out of high school and all i know its not working this shitty minimum wage job. 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? yes, unless they’ve already taken those chances for granted or done something severe. 42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? that i’m extremely upset. 43. Do you smile at strangers? i try to. 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? outer space. 45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? usually the fact i have to go to work, but if not, the pup. 46. What are you paranoid about? the people i care about not actually caring about me. that’s my main fear. 47. Have you ever been high? that’s a hard no. 48. Have you ever been drunk? twice. once on new year’s eve 2016 and then in january for my birthday. 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? not that i can think of. 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? yellow. 51. Ever wished you were someone else? hasn’t everyone? 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? i wish i wasn’t so anxious over things. 53. Favourite makeup brand? i don’t really wear makeup but I like covergirl and prestige eyeliner. 54. Favourite store? as cringy as it is, gamestop and hot topic. but i don’t go out much. 55. Favourite blog? there’s a LOT. 56. Favourite colour? purple and blue. 57. Favourite food? chicken. 58. Last thing you ate? grape freeze pop. 59. First thing you ate this morning? bagel with cream cheese. 60. Ever won a competition? For what? i got third place in a spelling bee in 5th grade and got first place at both regionals and states for pjas (basically a pa statewide science competition). 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? i got an ISS for socking a kid who later became my crush in the nose in 4th grade because he was annoying me. 62. Been arrested? For what? nope. 63. Ever been in love? absolutely and it’s the best feeling i’ve ever felt. 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? it was on the way back from a band competition, and we were all crammed onto a school bus. we were sitting in a seat together and i was tired so i kinda dozed off a little but when i woke up i was like “fucking kiss him god damn it you’ve been dating for like a month and a half” and i just DID. 65. Are you hungry right now? a little. 66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? i don’t really have too many “tumblr friends” that aren’t also my real friends. 67. Facebook or Twitter? facebook because i love reading the drama. 68. Twitter or Tumblr? twitter tumblr is a fucking cesspool. 69. Are you watching tv right now? just as background noise. 70. Names of your bestfriends? (most will be their online names) there’s like three sarahs/saras, vix, bonk, d, rose, rory, inky, james, aidan, quartz, bunn, hal, and cheese. (i have so many online friends holy fuck.) 71. Craving something? What? the sweet embrace of death. nah but for real like... watermelon or just fruit in general. 72. What colour are your towels? i have a blue one, a red one, and a yellow one. 72. How many pillows do you sleep with? two usually. 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? not anymore. 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? probably a good amount but they’re all in the attic. 75. Favourite animal? i love pretty much all animals but i love dogs/wolves/foxes. 76. What colour is your underwear? white. 77. Chocolate or Vanilla? why not both? 78. Favourite ice cream flavour? chocolate peanut butter swirl or mint chocolate chip. 79. What colour shirt are you wearing? reddish-magentaish? 80. What colour pants? blue. 81. Favourite tv show? my favorite of all time will always be siberia. 82. Favourite movie? twister or edward scissor hands 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? mean girls. 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? I’ve never seen 21 jump street all the way through so mean girls again. 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? don’t really have one, but if i had to pick, janis. 86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? crush because who doesn’t love stoner turtles? 87. First person you talked to today? i think it was my mom. 88. Last person you talked to today? one of the many sarahs i call my friends. 89. Name a person you hate? if i say it i’ll probably get arrested lmfao. 90. Name a person you love? @riones-lair :* 91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? i’m always ready to punch someone. 92. In a fight with someone? not that i know of. 93. How many sweatpants do you have? probably 5 or 6. 94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? an unnecessary amount. probably 17 or 18. we collect hoodies like they're going out of style. 95. Last movie you watched? probably one of the harry potter movies 96. Favourite actress? don’t really have one. 97. Favourite actor? johnny depp because of edward scissorhands. 98. Do you tan a lot? no, i burn and i burn badly. 99. Have any pets? niko who is a massive neapolitan mastiff that farts a lot. 100. How are you feeling? sleepy and in pain. 101. Do you type fast? when i get really into doing something i can type so fast you would not believe. 102. Do you regret anything from your past? a lot of things, but the past is the past. can’t do anything about it. 103. Can you spell well? i like to think i do. 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? of course, but they’re in the past for a reason. 105. Ever been to a bonfire party? a few times, my grandmother has a big backyard and we’d have bonfires back there. 106. Ever broken someone’s heart? i don’t think so. 107. Have you ever been on a horse? yes, his name was macaroni and i loved him very much. 108. What should you be doing? SLEEPING. 109. Is something irritating you right now? the slight headache i have going on. 110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? once but then i realized it wasn’t worth the pain. 111. Do you have trust issues? didn’t i get asked this before? but yes. 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? i don’t remember physically but while talking to someone it was quartz, aidan, and aidan’s girlfriend sarah. 113. What was your childhood nickname? usually only ever called kate. 114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? farthest i’ve ever been out of state is alabama. 115. Do you play the Wii? i used to, not so much anymore. 116. Are you listening to music right now? i was but now i’m watching a twitch stream. 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? yesssss. 118. Do you like Chinese food? certain types make me sick but for the most part yes. 119. Favourite book? the entire Maximum Ride series. 120. Are you afraid of the dark? not really? 121. Are you mean? really only if people are mean to me. 122. Is cheating ever okay? no. never. 123. Can you keep white shoes clean? for a while, all shoes inevitably get dirty. 124. Do you believe in love at first sight? yes. 125. Do you believe in true love? yes. 126. Are you currently bored? somewhat. 127. What makes you happy? drawing, writing, talking to people that care about me. 128. Would you change your name? if i could get my full first name shortened to my nickname that’d be good enough for me. 129. What your zodiac sign? capricoooooorn. 130. Do you like subway? sweet onion chicken teriyaki all the way. 131. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? tell him i have a boyfriend and that he should have said something like a year and a half ago lmfao. 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? pretty sure i was asked this too? but yeah, aidan. 133. Favourite lyrics right now? “i am so homesick for someone that i never knew/ i am so homesick now for someplace that i’ll never be” 134. Can you count to one million? it’ll take forever, but yeah. 135. Dumbest lie you ever told? i’ve told a bunch of stupid fucking lies holy shit. 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed. 137. How tall are you? 5′6″, i’m short. 138. Curly or Straight hair? wavy. 139. Brunette or Blonde? dirty blonde. 140. Summer or Winter? winter. 141. Night or Day? night 142. Favourite month? october. 143. Are you a vegetarian? absolutely not. 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? milk and white. 145. Tea or Coffee? tea. 146. Was today a good day? surprisingly, yes. 147. Mars or Snickers? you’re asking mars or mars. snickers, though. 148. What’s your favourite quote? as corny as it is, i love “don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” 149. Do you believe in ghosts? definitely. 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “Up!” - The Lake House

#here you go sara #cutesymikey

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perambulatelove · 6 years

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An Exs Release

This full moon had got me so in the feels and I just want to make a big massive text post getting everything with my ex out once and for all and just sort through it all…and for me, writing it all out is just how I release my emotions and Tumblr is my safe space. So, I finally looked at the text post calling me out and pointing out every small fault in me, probably out of anger and retaliation as a defense. I just don’t understand if it was a lack of empathy, or just a lack of appreciation or just basic recognition for me as an actual living soul that is causing me to feel this way, but I just still don’t understand it. I don’t understand your cheating, I dont understand how you could not even lay a finger on me yet go fuck someone else and yet tell me you loved me and that I should trust you wouldn’t actually cheat and that you wouldn’t do that to me because I was special, apparently. I dont understand how you could see how much I loved you, so much I even forgave you for cheating and tried so hard to work through everything just because I loved you that much, only to come back to a cold, empty person who can’t even look at me. I know that I said one thing in a fit of anger, and mainly exhaustion, but it was enough to throw me out.

I begged for you to understand how sorry I was for the way it came out. I mean, it is true that I still think that about your parents skills, but the delivery was shit and I know that I could have approached that subject far more gently in so many other ways and at different times, but it came out because i was angry and upset and you were on the other side of the room so far away from me, not even wanting to touch me, after I had spent two flights thinking of how much I loved you and wanted nothing more than to just be wrapped around you in bed when I finally got home…yet what I came across was you, just watching TV, and not even giving a single care to me in the slightest. I just don’t understand that. Its that right there that i guess is why you also slept with the one person I was so insecure about in the first place (yeah I had med the girl who my ex cheated on me with, and I even told my ex that night that I didn’t like this girl and how insecure she made me feel, flirting with her unendingly all night), and yet, after all the things you spewed out of your mouth about how I should trust you, you still fucked her over me, and thats what I will never ever comprehend.

As for what followed, that is just beyond something else. I mean bringing up not only my abortion to the world, but to call me selfish for that, like you have some room to judge my past. At least when I said spanking your kids is an act of abuse, that was based off of observations, multiple. And you know what, yes, I will easily be the first to admit that I am selfish for choosing to NOT HAVE MY BEAUTIFUL CHILD WHOM I WANTED AND CARED FOR MORE THAN ANYTHING YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE IN THIS WORLD, but that ultimately is the most selfless thing I can do for my child. That ability to admit that I AM too selfish and that I could not give my child the absolute best life I want for my own children, that makes me selfless to not bring a child into that. Furthermore, you have absolutely NO RIGHT to even COMMENT on such a thing, because that is my past. That is something I chose to do when I was younger, and that is also something that STILL haunts me and is hard to deal with. That pain of watching my best friend raise the most beautiful child in this world (successfully without ever physically punishing him, I might add), and not being able to do that myself causes me a far greater pain than I know you could ever even imagine bearing. And then to bring that up and attack me with it. What type of a person are you to do that? Is it a lack of empathy why you wouldn’t console someone about going through that type of trauma, but instead use it to attack them back over, or what else is it?

And then theres Dani. Oh yes, lets get into that, because as much as I’ve talked about it, maybe its time to actually write out the story so that even my Tumblr followers can see the same story I told you. I mean my abortion was something hard to go through, but losing my best friend is something in a whole other ball park of pain and trauma. And to still be using even that as something to attack me. This is why you’re not a good person at your core Katie, because even when I said that you spanking your kids is abusive, it was something that could be changed, something that could be realized and something that could be improved. it wasn’t meant to cut you down, yet you saying my abortion is selfish and telling people, like you even know or remember the situation, that what happened to Dani happened to you - I mean thats just showing that you’re abusive and use your words to cut people down and harm them to their cores.

With Dani…well Dani is how I became best friends with Jessi. The two of them were best friends in high school and I met Dani through my lifetime best friend Ashleeann. Dani introduced me to Jessi, and the three of us were all stoner best friends. This was also during a time in my life when I was doing a lot of harder drugs and going to raves, regularly. And one night both Dani and Jessi wanted to come with me to the little underground club in Houston I would go to for raves and drugs and virtually my whole weekends. So we all three went and this was the first time that both Dani and Jessi had ever rolled. After we left the club (roughly around 9 or 10 in the morning) we all went and had lunch with Jessi’s dad and uncle and that was the end of their first time rolling. Another time, it was just Dani and I and we went and rolled in the club, but after we left I took her home. It just so happened to be one random night that I was with Kate, and I asked Dani if she wanted to come to the club (and obviously do some drugs) with Kate and I. After going, spending the whole night there, and leaving, we get home the next morning and Dani politely informs Kate and I that she is quite horny (which is normal for most uppers, be it man or woman).

I proceed to explain to Dani where my bag of strap-ons was and told her that she could just go in my room and get herself off and Kate and I will blast some music and sit in the living room and paint, no worries. After some time, Dani comes out of my room and tells Kate and I that she couldn’t get herself off and she then asked if I could do it for her. I was extremely hesitant and asked if she was okay with that, first of all because we were friends, but also because she had a boyfriend. I asked her multiple times if she really wanted me to and even if this would wreck our friendship, which she told me it wouldn’t. So of course I agreed on the condition that she doesn’t do anything back to me, she doesn’t touch me, I don’t want any pleasure in it at all, it wasn’t for me. The whole time it was happening, Kate was also in the room with us and Dani and I were never alone for a second.

Following it, everything was okay. She even told her boyfriend, and though he was a smidge upset, it was all okay eventually and we all remained friends. Well a few months passed and then suddenly Dani stops texting me and stops responding to my invitations to go to the mall or go get coffee, and soon enough she has me blocked on everything and I have no way to contact her. Its at this time that Jessi had me come over and sat me down and explained that Dani had began to have nightmares about what happened. This broke my heart, it utterly destroyed me. Knowing that my best friend was suffering over something, it caused me such a deep pain and i only wished I could fix it. I tried, through Jessi, to fix it anyway I could, but it ultimately developed into Dani accusing me of raping her. This broke my heart even more, and tore me into such a devastated wreck. I believed I was a horrible monster and felt all sorts of loathing towards myself, my character, and my own soul feeling like I did something so wrong and hurt someone else, especially unintentionally. And you know who was there for me? Kate (Jessi was too but she lived an hour an half away so I just happened to see Kate more). She would picked me up, time and time again, off the floor and would lay me in bed and when I would wake up the next morning, she would explain, over and over to me that I didn’t rape Dani. That I was the one who was uneasy about the situation, that I was the one who questioned it so much, and that I was the one who was so extremely concerned about it potentially wrecking our friendship. It took so much from Kate and a lot of therapists telling me the same thing Kate had to in order for me to actually overcome this.

Which brings me to you. How could you, in good conscience, say I “did to you what I did to Dani”. You and I were laying in bed and I was moving my energy through you while we were kissing (still unsure if you ever actually COULD feel that kind of connection…or if anyone can for that matter. Thats something else you fucked up for me), and then it began to get heated and I began to use my fingers on you. After making you cum a few times, I had to stop because the carpal tunnel was making my hand physically hurt (endured it though, just to give you my love through sex), and I said I would eat you out instead. After you came, you tightened your legs around my head, and apparently you were telling me to stop a few times before pushing me off of you and explaining that you were trying to tell me to stop. I apologized and explained I couldn’t hear you and then proceeded to apologize profusely because it did bring back all sorts of things with Dani because that trauma affects my sexual relationships still to this day, and then I cuddled you in close and showered you with kisses and my love and continued to try and make you feel better in any way possible because it did scare me that i didn’t hear you and that you were upset about it

But that still is not anything like what happened with Dani, and absolutely not something to say that I raped you because of when we were having consensual sex, i just didn’t hear you for a few seconds before you just lifted me off you and I immediately stopped when I could actually hear you. Thats the thing. I IMMEDIATELY stopped when we actually communicated to each other what was happening. I didn’t keep going, and I didn’t force myself on you or try to even get you back in the mood after that, I held you in close and comforted you in every way I could.

Yet I guess thats the thing. Thats what this whole post is ultimately about. It just goes to show yet again that I loved you and truly cared about you and tried, even after finding out you cheated on me, I still tried to work things through with you because I loved you in my heart, yet I still question in my heart if you even appreciated a single thing about me. If you even realized that I told you I loved you every single day, and I would tell you all the things I loved ABOUT you multiple times a day. I tried to do so much for you, getting wine and chocolates and bath bombs for us, and even compromising to come to your family Christmas party when I needed to study for finals, and yet you’re still sitting in a text post attacking me for my grades. Like even then, who are you to judge me or my grades, or one bad semester? Who are you to judge me on my past at all, in any way, or to use it to attack me?

I just will never understand how I could give so much to someone and literally have that person throw it all out the window, cheat, and then turn so cold and continually attack me, when all I keep wanting to do is heal and move on and stop thinking about how much I loved you and tried so hard and believed we were going to get out of Texas and do big things together. I keep wanting to just be able to move on and one day trust someone who comes into my life, but I probably never will because I loved you and you threw my heart straight in the trash and never cared for me a single bit.

And I think thats what hurt the most, not the cheating, but how cold you got towards me, and then how mean it all become and how much your words hurt me and affected me.

I just hope that one day, someone massively great will come into my life and will love me so furiously she will wipe the unending pain you have caused my heart away, and she will love me with so much brightness that even my family loves her as much as I do, and I hope that I can be willing to give that woman 1000x more of me than I ever gave you because she will deserve it and you didn’t deserve any of it for the innumerable ways you’ve hurt my very core.

I’ll probably spend most of my life wondering about this though, because that’s how much you’ve affected me. Just because it was short, doesn’t mean it wasn’t the most traumatic, absolutely the worst and most manipulative, abusive, and down right just ugly relationship I’ve ever had. I’ve never felt more unloved in my life than when I was with you, and that’s saying something considering my parents don’t say “I love you” or even give out hugs. So to feel like I was more unloved in your presence than all the years I spent with my family, that’s gotta say something about how the relationship was and your inability to reassure me or compliment me, even once, just shows which of us actually put in effort, and it was completely one sided. I loved you furiously and did everything for you, and you couldn’t even appreciate me even after I made a post that blatantly asked for it, instead you misinterpreted it as an attack and caused a fight over it. All I had asked was to feel appreciated, complimented, and loved and since that very second, you’ve turned everything around on me, all your own shortcomings, continually get projected on me and I’m tired of walking around every day feeling like EVERYTHING I’ve been through in my life, the drugs, losing Dani, having an abortion, all the attempts at suicide and even almost dying in Lombok in a car chase with the poilice - you STILL make me feel like surviving through ALL THAT was NOT worth it, to come to this time and have someone treat me as abhorrently as you did.

So I guess that’s why I’ll never understand why you did what you did. I’ll never understand what in your core makes you get up day by day and accept that you cheated on me, you cheated on the ex before me, and you are just downright a mean, unempatheic person. Who jumps from relationship to relationship because of an inability to truly love and appreciate a single person, probably out of narcissism. And trying to heal myself after having to experience that, when I should have just got up and left after you immaturely passed out on our first date, not able to handle the alcohol you already drank, I truly should have gotten up then like I felt like I wanted to and left the whole mess behind me because I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to be okay enough to be in a relationship and ever trust someone again, hell, I don’t know if I’m going to be okay anymore knowing that everything I’ve done in my life is just utterly worthless and I have nothing left to give because you sucked so much of it out of me, and still, after everything you’ve done to me, you still could care less about me as a human being. Now I’m just something else to fight with and hate on in your life, and there’s already just so much hate and anger, but I guess if you’re going to build your life around something, you’re the one who wants to do it around anger, abuse and a lack of empathy or love.

And I have to just keep finding ways to try and release that because one way or another, even if I hate myself this much for the rest of my life, I have to try to keep myself here on this Earth, there has to be some reason to go through all this suffering.

#book

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alchemy-travels · 7 years

Text

Israel Part Two.

And so, Steven left me to my lonesome once more. It wouldn't last long as I made a friend who would eventually let me stay with him and my Airbnb host invited me over to make doughnuts for the final day of Hanukkah.

So I moved to the new Airbnb relatively close by since the Yaov had new guests coming. Simply it was a place to put my bags for a few nights. Small, cement and the kitchen was practically in the shower. Once settled I wrote a massive letter to my extended family briefly outlying what this year's been about for me. I'll post that letter too. It wasn't until dark that I mustered the energy to exit my sardine can and head over to Yoavs for doughnuts and festivities. When I arrived they had been eating dinner which they graciously offered to me. Homemade meatballs in sauce, and latkes homemade. Latkes are the equivalence of potato pancakes for Jewish people.

Dishes cleaned and kitchen stations a go for rolling dough, melting sauces into frosting and injecting said balls of now fried dough with frosting. We made about 40 and about 34 were eaten by the bunch in the apartment there to celebrate. There was a little weed, a lot of cigarettes and bountiful conversation between all of us. Different ages, different experiences all in the same room to watch candles burn down to nubs. A prayer was shared as I sat in silence listening to the group fumble through remembering every stanza.

I had told my newly made friend Elad I would make it over to his apartment after doughnuts but hadn't realized it would be an all evening affair. So once this was over it was time to walk the streets of Tel Aviv back to the sardine can. I'd wake slowly adventure a bit, and definitely eat constantly. Traveling has turned into food consumption for me in many cities. What can I say, my high metabolism wants to try everything. Later that evening I would meet up with Elad for wine, a few cigs and dinner in which he felt obligated to buy as I was a guest to his city. We would go back to his place for a bit before I returned home. Cute black cat named Sasha or as he liked to call it, sashinka. The next evening was New Year's Eve and Elad had asked me if I'd join him. Apparently kissing at midnight isn't a thing in Israel so when I asked if that was his motive for the invite, he looked at me as if he should withdraw the invitation.

Early the next morning I would return to his place with all of my baggage. I'm talking my travel gear, not emotionally! Jeeze I'm not that much of an open book. We would go to breakfast, relax and I'd get to meet a few of his friends. One being the Brazilian news anchor for the Portuguese channel in Israel. Big money that man. After this I'd adventure the city and he'd head off to meet his father for lunch. I meandered parts of the city in which I had seen with Steven. I did a bit of shopping but no purchasing. I really wanted to get a tattoo while I was here but it didn't happen. Still have two ideas that I really want. Anyway, the city ended up being pretty much just another city, with a bit of international influence, good coffee shops and bad ones. Fast and flow foods and many people that won't look you in the eye as you walk by. I'd make it back to his apartment late afternoon in time for some food. We would spend the time getting to know one another. Apparently there are two types of Israeli Jews and basically it comes down to brown skin and white skin. He assured me he was white skinned and my friend Roi was brown. It didn't matter much to me but to them apparently it's a big difference. And with that it was time to get ready to head over to his friends for the year of 2017 to be ushered in.

Now, I didn't actually want to go with him at first. He's 29 but his friends are all in their mid 30s and 40s. This is very daunting to me. For reasons I may never understand I've always gotten shy around older people and always lost my own personality in times I'd have to interact with them. Maybe it's the line of teacher/student elder/youth sort of thing but I was terrified to actually go. They were all in high paying positions and big in celebrity industries and what not. I was nervous. So we packed the speaker his friend had asked him to bring over and headed to their apartment as it began to sprinkle rain lightly on our heads. We got there without an issue and was greeted to wipe our wet shoes and keep them on. I'd meet his first wakes friend and realize I built up fear for almost nothing. He asked me if I saw the 100 dollar bill on the ground on the way in. A practical jokester. I asked if he meant the fake one and told him I left it for the next guy.

The party would go on and more people would show. It was casual, with a few drinks but mostly champagne and fake champagne for those working the next day. One of his friends brought medical marijuana as she’d be spending the new year of 2017 fighting off a new found cancer. Excited to share her gift she never told me about the illness but was only smiles. And so I'd talk with the people that knew English and eventually try and converse with those that couldn't. A few drinks in and multiple snacks I'd look around. See the clock was ticking down and find Elad. I'd ask him if he wanted to take part in the American tradition at midnight and he agreed. 6 minutes later we would share a kiss in the back garden next to the coi pond. Confetti cannons going off and cheering about. We smiled and shared a picture of the two of us. And then he was off to congratulate everyone for making it another year. At this moment, time slowed down and once again I was outside looking in.

It's hard to know what it's like to be alone until you see what you're supposed to sharing with your intimate friends at a party where no one speaks your language. Pictures and kisses. So much laughter and shared inspirations of the future. Being thankful for one another and forgetting anything negative that might have happened in your friendship. Because what's important is that what you have is real, and it's there in this moment. So with a few tears of mixed happiness and sadness and no idea of how that may be, I called my parents and wished them a happy new year before they experienced it themselves. I called a few friends and talked to the ones that answered. It helped to hear all of their voices to close my eyes and imagine us together. I'd return to the party for some final sips and a few uncertain laughs at a few jokes I mite not have fully understood. And within a half hour cleaning began and leaving guests dashed for bed as they don't get the day after off like we do most of the time. Hey party harder in Hanukkah than into the new year. So the evening was over and Elad and I headed home.

I being super thankful for a place to rest my head and not pay for it. I did a bit of that and most people will find me crazy but it's always worked for me. I have always been someone more interested in finding vulnerability to overcome that walls to build.i spent so long knocking them down that it was always Refreshing to trust my heart in the hands of strangers and accept what was offered to me. We watched a movie and cuddled into a slumber as he started his day at 6am for work. I'd wake up at about nine to him coming back into his apartment with delicious pastries. And when I say delicious I mean I haven't had something so good since the first time I tried my mom’s Christmas cookies. Coffee and conversation would Pursue. We never really talked of anything super prolific. Just chats

We rented bikes this day and headed up north into the rich part of Tel Aviv. We went to one of his favorite jam packed coffee shops and over to his friends house. You guessed it they were also stoners. It's a huge thing in Tel Aviv apparently. So I took a hit and he took plenty before getting back onto our bikes for the trip home. Halfway through, with my head in the clouds I took a wrong turn. I already don't really like riding bikes so Elad was light years ahead of me. At that point I just figured he'd go home and id stroll the city for a bit until I found something familiar. I didn't but I did get to admire the clouds for floating over such a gorgeous day. Viewed the different architectures and spent a good twenty minutes. Figuring out with exit to talk at this particularly large roundabout under construction. Still, I found. Myself having to. R Ethan and take a different route. And in an hour I was back. Elad was napping from s early morning and I played some video games that I got way too into for a few hours. We spent another dinner together and the following afternoon I'd be embarking to ashkelon. The suburb where my friend Roi Lives and the family I'd be staying with for the next three ish weeks.

Taking trains in Hebrew is hard. I found myself worried without wifi most of the time hoping I'd stop at the proper spot. I asked the girl next to me whole gracefully helped me in my time of need. People are great when you smile. I would try and compare ashkelon to an American suburb but non come to mind. It was definitely completely Israeli and had its own flair with a few westernized ideas. Roi would tell me that Israel is really trying hard to be America. I wouldn't see that for a bit though. Roi was there to pick me up at the train station. His little white care and changed hairstyle would give me happiness in seeing a familiar face. If you remember back to my Thailand post, Roi is the one that Teresa and I made friends with in Pai and Chiang Mai. We swapped a quick synopsis of where our lives have gone and then arrived to his beautiful Mediterranean coastal home, I whipped out the scarf I got for his mother from Ireland and she quickly accepted and smiled. I could tell she was a little nervous every to pull out her English again. But his whole family was excellent with language, there was no need. Roi’s father was an ex military official, who was definitely one of the highest ranked military people I had ever been under the same roof with. Daunting but what a charming man now trying to turn business man. Roi’s middle brother was off serving the army as all kids have to in Israel for 2-3 years depending on gender. Roi’s youngest brother a huge nerd they called tinker bell to get him pissed off. The family was also hosting Roi’s younger cousin who was 14 that could pass for 18. Roi and I both thought he's a closet gay and that's why he was so so so angry and angsty about his life.

I would shower and be greeted downstairs to see Roi's dad cooking sandwiches. Before he could even turn around he would ask me to fill a sandwich with ingredients for him to make me. White cheese, spinach, tomatoes, hummus and a spicy red sauce called Harissa. Not only would I eat Harissa on everything here but also in Morocco and they were both oh so different and oh so delicious. Along with the sandwich I would get a salad of lemon dressing filled with tomatoes and cucumbers and a tiny bit of spice. Devoured all of it in two seconds flat. Roi would take me on a walk after this in our pajamas down to the Sea with his cute puppy named Boxie. What a trooper that dog is, 11 years old and still running like he's a year old.no leash needed we walked and got through awkward pauses of getting to know one another again. Sand between our toes, he would point to the shoreline around the sea and explained to me the different parts of his town. I would nod and agree that I knew what was what. By the time we got back his mother was demanding my laundry to do. Across the world, mother’s everywhere want to make sure their kids aren't smelly and she definitely inducted me into the rankings of smelliness.

Most nights Roi and I would play with Boxie, listen to music and watch music videos, look at the moon from his massive second story patio. Did I mention his family gave him the entire second floor of the house to live in? So we had plenty of space. Also a pot head, this is where I learned how to roll joints to perfection. If there's one thing I can take from this trip it's how to roll a spliff, joint, cig to smoke away our health with a little beauty intertwined. We watched two very strange movies here. Roi wanted me to take these weeks to recharge my travel batteries. He traveled for two years too and knew what it was like. And so I did as he hoped.

The first movie was about mothers raising kids on a lost island just so that the kids would be cut open and starfish babies would be inserted into them to grow. The mothers were all half starfish for some reason and it was a horror erotica film if you ask me. The second was clockwork orange. The film is based off of a very short book with lingo and strange writings that is about four boys that hurt, steal, rape because they find it more fun than anything else in the world. The movie ended up being more than two hours and Roi and I both grew to extreme boredom but we saw the film through.

I would get to meet his best friend Rotem, a makeup artist with extreme talent in neutralizing faces and turning them brightly into social constructions. She had a gift. When we first met she was uber shy to speak English with me, but as we continued to chat that faded quickly. Especially with Roi in the room. She's taking a trip to the US so she needed to practice. I'm hoping she stops by chicago! We would spend time eating and chatting and eating and smoking weed and changing music videos every evening. That was their thing, the music videos - I loved it.

Shabat came to town and I headed to Tel Aviv for the first weekend to give their family a break from me. Also to give myself a break from the television and Transparent. I found myself meeting up with Elad again. Not just for a place to stay, but company in the city. How beautiful it was sharing bike rides with a beautiful man through the warming streets of spring. To find breakfast, coffee and cigarettes in bed. To have somebody tell you that a particular tourist attraction is overrated and to laugh through the day with. These are moments I truly consider myself to be traveling

We would live the city life for the weekend and I would jump back onto the train to ashkelon. This would be followed by the trip that Roi and I had planned. To the Dead Sea, through the deserts and up to the snowy mountain of Ben Gurion. The driving was long but the music was sweet. We’d arrive to the Dead Sea after driving through Jerusalem to be greeted by a man walking on the stony ground, but naked. Just enjoying life living free. I guess it made since as the water would just simply cover you in salt. Roi and I had a bit more time at the sea than Steve and I had and, Roi being Israeli played in our favor. We found EXTREMELY hot springs to take a dip in. When I say hot I mean unbearable. Being here once in a life pulled me into them.i went slowly then all at once. Feeling the salt minerals burn through my skin and into my small cuts. I am healing. And so we floated. We healed and floated breathing deeply while our heads bobbed amongst the soft surface. I can't necessarily explain what it feels like to have found peace in new places over and over again. But if you can imagine the tongue of a calf suckling at your fingertips, or the moment you come down from your first headstand without assistance - then please do.

From there we would head though the ancient desert lands of Israel `. I might've seen where Jesus walks on water but I would looking for Moses this time. To my surprise we found nothing spiritual at all. Instead, we drove passed...well let's just say it's an Israeli defense mechanism. It stretched for miles and I wasn't to stop the car once. Times have changed just as the colors of sand would before our eyes. We'd make it to another valley gorge area with the intention of waiting for sunset. Our location of choice was the wood chopped mountain. Name given because the top layer of the mountain had shaken off and the remains resembled wood. So we climber it. Short but an endeavor none the less. And to those who know what wadi rum is in Jordan, you would have an idea of this view. Alien landscape. The colors would change in the sky and reflect onto the earth. Indigo, fuschia, teal and so many more that would eventually mesh together into the moonlight. Now David Bowie asks if there's life on Mars and I'm wondering if he'd ever been to Isreal. This place consists of nothing but us, and the earth under the light of the night. Which, by the way happened to be a super moon. Clears skies and super moon power lead to sparkling stone and glistening pieces of wood beneath us. Surrealism at its finest. I can only tell you that we took an extra long walk back to the car that night before returning to ashkelon.

We’d take a day’s long break in ashkelon, gearing up for the long haul to the completely other side of Israel. We were heading to Ben Gurion, the snowy mountain of the Syrian border. It’s the closest my heart has ever been to a war zone. And even though I knew i’d probably see nothing, by eyes were so curious to see for myself what was on the other side of that Syrian/ Israeli mountain that the news wasn’t showing us. I want to feel what they were feeling. To know what it felt like to be locked away in a town of ruins. But instead, I’d enjoy falling snow over falling ash. And that we did. The roads up to the mountain were nothing but heavy rain and slower cars. There was a small period in which the rain chose to stop and let us see our way up the mountain. As expected we would start to see rain precipitate into snow. What we didn’t know is how much snow.

Living in Chicago you don't realize how often cars and drivers are not built for snow. Well this must have been Roi’s first time driving in such snows and the little engine of his little car just wasn’t doing it. As we turned onto the final road before the ski slopes (which i was so ecstatic about getting onto) we noticed the incline of a roller coaster and our car the coaster ride. So Roi did the only logical thing he could think of right now, which was to ask me to take the wheel. So, feeling like jesus driving like Carrie Underwood, I took the wheel. I’m not too shabby in the snow. I actually know how to fall in love with the cars, swerves and glides and how to give into them for the best result on the road. But this hill, this was an unbeatable hill. I’d gone side to side and revved the engine when needed but yet, I still always came up just a bit short as the streets continuously covered themselves with snow. The final attempt, I was turned all the way around looking at the car behind me. Roi, again never having to deal with these conditions was just fan girling in sheer terror in the passenger’s seat. So instead of trying the hill, we chose to park.

Now it was time for Roi to calm down and enjoy the snow. I rolled a joint. And there at the top of Ben Gurion, we sat ready to venture into the snow, smoking the joint listening to our favorite songs and watching the snow melt against our car windows. When it was time to make our way into the snow, having chosen to give up on skiing we got ready for our snowman building. Ill equipped having traveled the last year, I went out into the some odd feet of snow in sneakers and yoga pants. The shoes were supposed to be waterproofed, but they were not. We spent time building Roi’s FIRST EVER SNOWMAN, and we made them jewish and stuck a cigarette in his mouth. We named them Maura after the character in the show Transparent. The snowman was the best part of the trip. Smaller than we anticipated, we loved Maura all the same. Up on that mountain top, we left a family. And until the next time it gets too warm up there, the family will stay.

Moist in all of the wrong places, we headed back to the car, taking Maura’s scarf and yarmulke from the top of their head. Maura would be alright without them, she was made of snow! So we’d make the trek back to the car, through the three different weather castings of snow, wind and then rain and onto the main roads before dark. We stopped for a much needed coffee and cigarette break and would continue on to Haifa which is where we may have intended to spend the night, until we asked room prices. They were more than we’d spent the whole trip so we decided we’d stay for dinner and continue to ashkelon. This was where we were served the best heart on a white platter. Artichoke heart that is, we aren’t monsters. It was lightly breaded and fried to perfection in truffle oil, sprinkled in rosemary and doused with a lemon square. I’ve never thought eating in a cave build restaurant would provide such sublime edibles. We’d finish the rest of our equally delicious meal to walk around haifa for a bit more. Then the rains came again. They’d follow us down the mountain. And although extremely chilled rains, I couldn’t help but try and feel the rains for what they were. A message to continue onward. They were the tiny kick i’d need to be leaving Israel in two days headed towards Morocco. I had not heard from my host hostel, nor any online correspondence. Either way, I was going and I wasn’t going to let a little rain be the only reason for moving onward.

That night we returned to Ashkelon, no rains, no clouds; a completely different world in the south and I was safe and sound at my temporary home. My clothes washed by Roi’s mother, vegan dinner set and ready, and a moon as brilliant as the moment itself. I didn’t want to leave and I was ready to call israel my home. So many amazing people, traditions and memories I would hold dearly to myself. There’s only so much one person can share about their lives that people are willing to listen to at a normal frequency. From then on people are prevoked by fear, or disgust or complete shock. I try my best to give what I can while holding what I must. And in this moment I was holding the desire to stay and letting the need to go take over my body.

It would be off to tel aviv for a night of walking around until I headed to the airport at Midnight via the train system. I’d wait for a while before getting to the check in line as I had four hours. Once there my four hours quickly dwindled into one, as the airport chose to question me for two hours. I can’t say why I was chosen but I can say that I gave them the attitude of a lifetime, and the slamming down of every content of my wallet so that they could prove I was who I said I was. They didn’t like that and I didn’t care. It came to the point in which they were asking me their list of questions for a second or third time and I didn’t have time for the first round. Once they were done and I was sufficiently scorching with anger, the questioner walked me to get my ticket, by passing the line. Then he walked me to the security again bypassing the line. This was nice, but when the security guard decided to take my Melburnian coffee after it had made it’s way into his country and through another 4 countries, I was pissed and now just simply defeated. But none the less I made it through just in time for my flight. Notes to those travelling to israel, give yourself the right amount of time at the airports and you’ll be okay. Oh also all food and liquids should be checked under the plane. No chance of saving them otherwise. And so without coffee but with many israeli moments i move onto Morocco.

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