Please,,,, please more rambles about astarion and him healing and his slowly changing relationship with (-tav-) Sex and intimacy and choice and-
LISTEN BUDDY...
Okay gonna talk about the Grave Scene. this scene truly lives in my head rent free. I've been rewatching it a few times and every way it plays out is so touching. Especially the way he.. hmm... expresses himself here? There's such earnestness to him that frankly is unimaginable to the person we met in act 1. He really went from being both so sly & yet obviously lying ("[you trusted me...] an objectively stupid thing to do.") to someone who admits and lists the way Tav makes him... feel.... SAFE? and held? and I understand why it's not something a lot of people focus on but I actually am so heart-touched by how complex and intricate his journey to reclaiming sex and desire is at the end of this conversation. None of it is gratuitous. None of it is for show. The blending of the nonsexual intimacy, and openness (the grabbing of the hands, the showing of the grave, the raw admittance of so much vulnerable material he gives to Tav; all things he would never have even CONCEIVED of offering up in even act 2.)
("I've been dead in the ground for long enough. It's time to try living again." ... "With everything that life has to offer.")
It's an extremely nuanced and thoughtful approach to an SA survivor rediscovering & reclaiming what they want to make of their desires, their sexuality, in the aftermath of what was done to their bodies without their consent. It's so thoughtful & beautiful imo. Finally here at his grave, he tells Tav that they're someone he feels safe & accepted with, & he can experience intimacy on both sides with someone who has put forth the effort, the time, the willingness to learn and wait and watch and care for his own desires in a manner no one else EVER has.
("I feel safe with you. Seen. And whatever the future holds for me, I don't want to lose that.")
It REALLY... gets me in the heart here. It doesn't avoid the difficulties of sexuality in the aftermath of abuse, and it ultimately shows one individual's journey toward reclamation and reconciliation with autonomy on their own terms. That's so vital here, that he reaches out, chooses to make the step forward, HIS choice. There's no lingering gratuitously on the trauma, if that makes sense? the descriptions and vulnerability are raw; Tav is grounding person here, Tav gives him room to speak. The true balance of intimacy in verbalizing his feelings, intimacy in being close physically with Tav, intimacy in discerning for himself what he desires, intimacy in accepting touch, contact, affection, togetherness. It's all so... [BITES INTO FIST SCREAMING]. And the ending. Where he and Tav get to set off on another adventure. Get to explore who they are truly now, with each other, without any higher powers looming over and putting a yoke around their necks. I'm personally partial to the "finding a way for you to be in the sun," ending myself but all of them are just ... so delightful. He really SHINES in a way that exceeded my expectations so completely in act 3. he went from totally closed off and locked away and unaware of how to navigate his own personal relationships, no idea what a "relationship," even was, no idea how to express boundary or unravel his complicated ideas and feelings around his body, what it was forced to do for Cazador, to:
("For nearly two centuries I stalked the streets like a ghost while the person I was lay here, dead and buried. Now I need to figure out who I am. What I want.")
also laying a flower on his grave and all he says is "cute." but there's such a minor moment of tenderness there. I weep I wept I will weep.
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The Monk and the Monkey
''What are you?'' The monk asks the animal- no, the creature before him. It stands on its hind legs without any trouble nor struggle. It does not hunch, it does not move. He watches it warily, and his eyes struggle to maintain eye contact, and not to stare at the way he has been carried away from. Where the carcass of the enormous tiger that stands fallen, in a pool of blood and the heavy smell of the metallic blood that he no longer can see or smell.
But to get distracted in the human’s case, would be a mistake if not the being was quite happy yet best not to risk it.
One second, it stares and the next, it stands before him with a bright grin and a tilted head. He startles, dropping his staff as it opens its dangerous jaw to answer his question.
''I am many things,'' It starts speaking, and the Monk thinks it can see the silhouette of a monster behind, watching, in smokes and another thing, another thing that smiles, amused while the human starts to sweat, his palms getting colder and colder.
‘’A wicked demon,’’ It states, grinning with a mouth far too wide, and a grin far too sharp, while the monk gulps with tense shoulders.
‘’A celestial being,’’ It states, as it smiles with gratitude, and a smile full of joy, and the monk relaxes, without being aware, for its genuine smile resembles that of a child a bit too much, tricking him into a false sense of security.
A false sense of security it is,
For a shark may be content, but it still has a mouth full of sharp teeth and a hunger for blood when you cut open your heart and lay it bare.
‘’But moreover, I am human.’’ It says, shrugging and standing back while the monk stares. He continues to stare as it stares up at him, with its tail lazily swaying behind it. He is well aware that he should probably try to find a way to leave, instead of interacting with it, but he blurts out without thinking before his mind can catch up with him.
‘’H-human? Y-you don’t look human!’’ He exclaims, and rightfully so as well, for the being standing before him is a tad bit too hairy, with hands instead of feet and of course, not to mention, the tail it has!
‘’...’’ It stares at him in silence, and it looks up and down while he nervously shuffles.
‘’Your close minded view, as much as it amazes me, is also disappointing.’’ It finally states after an awkward amount of silence and the monk can only drape his bamboo hat over his face, halfway to avoid eye contact since it unnerves him and says nothing to refute its claims more so because he is too meek to argue with a creature who can topple over a demon four times its size.
‘’Tell me what is a god, and what is a demon?’’ It asks, and the monk has no answer which seems to frustrate the creature before him as it invades his personal space once again, forcing him to stare right into its bloody eyes with the moon in them.
The monk stutters as it sighs, snapping its fingers and the human sees magic come to life before his eyes.
‘’A god represents the ‘kind’ side of humanity, while a demon represents the ‘foul’,’’ It says with a crescent smile but a condescending tone, and the monk steps back as his eyes jump back and forth between the mirrored version of the creature.
‘’Here’s a riddle for you,’’ It doesn't look at him as it becomes one, but he thinks it might see inside him anyway.
‘’If I am both, then what am I?’’
The silence scratches on, as tiny crickets pass, and the forest quiets down as if to listen to his answer.
It's a lot of pressure, he thinks when he sees it watching him like a hawk, like the rest of the world that holds its breath.
The human thinks as he lowers his head and thinks. He eventually comes to an answer as opens his mouth as the being before him stares at him nonchalantly, yet with a slightly wagging tail, clearly full of expectations about his answer.
‘’A monkey?’’
The monk, obviously, plays it safe for he feels like this is a trap.
The monkey’s nose scrunches up, and his eyes squint.
‘’Hmph,’’ It- He almost sneers at the human. His eyebrow twitch, irritated, and his tail thumps the ground once, twice and stops still. The monk, for a second, thinks he almost might see a pout.
‘’Typical mortals.’’
He says with distaste and the Monk, Tang Sanzang,can only stare at the tiny murder monkey and think:
What are the chances that if I beg, he’ll leave me alone?’
But the monk can only weep for it will be a long fourteen years.
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WARNING: FFVII spoilers + ship talk—scroll if you want to skip, because I am simply commentating my own gaming experience & not trying to start a war in the comments
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It’s the way I’m DESPERATELY trying to play FFVII with an openness to Cloud and Aerith because I know it means so much to so many people—and yet even when I go to YouTube and watch alt versions of mandatory scenes I cannot fathom how people are missing the subtext of “Aerith knows and acknowledges Tifa is so much more than Cloud’s friend even as she wants his attention because she doesn’t know if he’s really himself, has been extremely lonely since Zack left + knows somewhere she’s going to die for herself” ☠️
Like I am 3000% for FF ships that have a lot of groundwork but aren’t primary canon, because Square is notorious for building true chemistry between people who are not ever canonically romantic (hello Phoenixflare) but…it’s getting kind of absurd to see how many people are denying the subtext of Aerith as secondary to Tifa solely because they love their ship.
Perfect example: the scene where Aerith goes up on the Nebelheim water tower (a place wholly and entirely tied to Cloud and Tifa’s ongoing relatonship) and asks Cloud about his town…only for us to get this:
As someone who just consumes media generally…the whole subtext of the scene is clearly that Aerith trying to 1) pull Cloud’s actual memories up from the mind muck he’s going through (something she and Tifa both do repeatedly) and 2) remind Cloud of the side of him that inherently has always had a whole ass crush on his childhood best friend to help jog his memory.
Sure, it reads as a cute moment between them if you want that…but if you’re paying attention to the purpose of the scene itself and what’s being said (verbally and subtextually)…it’s astronomically clear this is a Cloud x Tifa recognition delivered to the audience through a Cloud/Aerith moment…and this happens repeatedly ☠️
And then…immediately after having her be upset that she doesn’t have someone the way Cloud has Tifa, and asking to be alone? I…I just. Like it’s so hard to be here in the middle of a war about “optional scenes” when shit that happens to everyone happens just like this 😭
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