#so i'll be careful and i might try doing a lot of my writing offline? we'll see how things go

[tvrningout-a]

so a lil quick psa is in order, i feel. starting off, this might be a little tmi? but plainly speaking, my hormones sometimes make my time of the month very challenging emotionally and mentally. i haven't experienced this in quite a while, and i wish i knew what changed or if it's just a random thing i have no control over, but i have no idea sadly! all i know is that i become very prone to bad mood drops and sensitivity, so if i'm extra quiet or inactive, i apologize; i'm just trying to handle myself gently and avoid making this all worse.

with all of that said, thank you for being patient with me <3 it really does mean a lot that y'all put up with my snail-like pace!

#i hope this isn't too much to be talking about?? but i'm 90% sure this is why i've felt so off #and when i'm like this it's very easy to spiral into negativity and i really want to avoid that #which is why my activity might be more sporadic than usual #if i can't feel at ease being online then i shouldn't be here for my own good #so i'll be careful and i might try doing a lot of my writing offline? we'll see how things go #but really and truly thank you for being patient with me <3 and pls take care of yourselves!!! #get ready to ramble | ooc

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for writing a story? ✨ (emoji so I can find this easily)

So around a year and a half ago, as part of a drama exam me and a group of four others had to devise a piece to act out for the exam.

Me and two others who were the actors (the other two did the set and music) ended up really liking the story and characters we were creating for the project and all wanted to expand on the story we'd created for the exam.

The three of us me (currently 16 NB) and the other two who I'll call Alex (currently 17 M) and Rowan (currently 16 NB) made a discord server for the three of us to talk about the characters we'd made together and share ideas for how we'd develop them if we turned the performance we were writing into a story/book series.

This was a lot of fun and at first I really enjoyed discussing ideas about the characters we'd created but after a while I started to find myself disliking some of the others' ideas more and more and wanting to write the series on my own.

I never acted on that though because the three of us were all passionate about our ideas and the characters so the idea of writing my own version felt wrong when the others wanted to write the story too as a group.

Now since then, Rowan has stopped talking to both me and Alex. I haven't heard from Rowan since May and honestly I don't really want to hear from them again because since we stopped talking I realized our friendship really wasn't very healthy for either of us. During this time they deleted discord but their account was still in the server.

Alex had disappeared offline since January but recently returned five months ago. We caught up and at first we talked about our ideas, the characters and how we wanted to turn it into a book series again, during this we kicked Rowan's account from the discord because neither of us spoke with them anymore. After a while we stopped talking much about the characters and our ideas and just started talking about random things. But last week Alex left the discord unannounced and I haven't heard from him at all since.

Now, I know Alex might return sometime like he left and returned before and I know this is pretty soon but while he's gone and since I'm no longer in contact with Rowan, I've found myself wanting to try writing the story myself with complete freedom to write the story I want to write and not have to use the others' ideas that I don't like.

It wouldn't feel so wrong anymore since they're not still there discussing their ideas or talking about how we should all write it together as a group but I do feel a little unsure if this would be an assholeish thing to do. I mean, I'd be writing about the characters we all created together, using the base story idea we all created for the project and I don't know if Alex will return or not yet.

So, would I be the asshole if I wrote the story by myself?

Additional info.

Idk if any of this is relevant but it might help with the judgement/I feel like people would ask for info about this stuff if I didn't add it.

The ideas I disliked were mainly to do with the development of a certain character, a ship that really would not make any sense and Alex wanting to add in a talking magical dinosaur to the plot of what was meant to be a story set in the modern day real world.

We never actually tried to write the story as a group before, we just talked about it.

None of us see each other IRL anymore.

I have got ADHD and autism.

There wouldn't be anything nsfw in the story.

None of the characters were based on any of us.

There are a lot of reasons why mine and Rowan's friendship wasn't healthy for either of us but to give a few reasons we didn't really care about each other's interests (like fandoms), would consistently cancel on hangouts with each other or would get into arguments over stupid stuff and not talk for weeks only to go back to being clingy with each other when we started talking again. Looking back, it was definitely an unhealthy friendship for both of us.

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[inkedroplets]

fanfic writer questions

Thanks so much for the tag @sideguitars

1- How many works do you have on AO3?

Twenty. A good mix of one-shots and longer fics that I will finish someday...

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

534,441

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Supergirl but I've dabbled with Legends of Tomorrow and have a few unpublished fics for different fandoms that I might share

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

A Rich Girl With Issues (I swear I'm almost done with the last chapter. The flu kicked my ass but I'm finishing up. My weird Lena becomes a vigilante fic. I still am amazed that people like it as much as they do)

Maybe I'm Too Afraid to Admit It (Kind of cute Kara realizes she has feelings for Lena. I really don't know why this one resonated with so many people)

Somewhere You Can't Follow (My weird (and poorly written) Legends and Supergirl crossover. I would love to go back and actually rewrite large bits of this but the dialogue is on point, at least. Oh and Lena gets to see her mom again so that's a plus)

Denial is Not Just a River in Egypt (I have no memory of this place fic)

Nothing Gold Can Stay (My one and only kidfic but I love it to pieces)

5. Do you respond to comments?

I do and I don't. I'm a lot more offline than I was when I first started writing and if too much time passes, I feel weird about responding since I feel like I'm bothering people but I am trying to be better about it. Because I really do cherish each one

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably nothing I've posted yet would count but I do have one that I plan to post soon-ish that's so angsty I took a year to decide whether or not to share it.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I think all of my one-shots have pretty standard happy endings. I think I'll say that either Rich Girl or Nothing Gold Can Stay will have the happiest endings (in my opinion) Wait (a little longer) and see

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I'll get the occasional weird comment. Nothing out of the ordinary. I did get a really rude bookmark once that kind of made me laugh. They hated the story yet still chose to bookmark it which is a choice.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I dabble in it. There's a snippet floating around somewhere on tumblr that I'm too lazy to find. I'll share it once I finish the first chapter. It's a bit out of my wheelhouse but its fun? Very different kind of writing than what I'm used to.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I write a lot of crossovers. I think when I write fic, I want to see something a little strange and unique that I can't find elsewhere. I'm working on a fic now where Kara meets Matt Murdock, that's not an interaction I ever envisioned myself writing.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't think so? To be fair, I haven't ever cared enough to check. I don't think I'm popular enough to get a fic stolen xD

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I have! Someone translated one of my fics into Russian. I was incredibly flattered that they liked it enough to do so.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, and I think it's mostly because I'm quite a selfish writer? I know what and how I want to write so collaboration is quite difficult. Maybe I still have some leftover trauma from all the group projects of my past.

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

Supercorp, if that wasn't very, very obvious.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I'll finish them all!

16. What are your writing strengths?

I really don't know and that's not just me being modest. I don't really think I do anything particularly well?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Being succinct. Every ficlet wants to be a multi-chaptered story and every multi-chaptered story wants to be a novel

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I think if implemented well it can be a great addition. If it's merely tacked on, however... I feel it not only doesn't add anything to the story but it makes the reader aware that they're reading a story. A bit of the magic is lost in the clunky execution.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

On AO3 Supercorp but I've dabbled in fandom for years and years. There's ancient Xena fic somewhere in my mother's basement

20. Favorite fic you've written?

Probably has to be Rich Girl but I really am fond of Swear Not by the Moon, as well. I've really enjoyed expanding the scope of Supergirl's world a bit and watching the characters slowly grow over the course of the story

No-pressure tags, of course: I never know who to tag in these until I finish these but if you like @rustingcat @vox-ex @sazernac

#ask game #this was a long one

[ahiddenpath]

Writing News

After a lot of hemming and hawing, I decided to try Nanowrimo. I'm not declaring a specific project because it's going to be a potpourri approach this year.

I won't be updating fics during Nanowrimo, which runs through November. I don't have any concrete date/plans for my next fic update.

I hate to say this, mostly because the last thing I want to do is guilt anyone. I am 100% aware that it's the year 2023 and we're all burnt the heck out and struggling with inflation/global crises/etc. But that applies to me, too, and stuff that normally might not get to me... Uh, well, it is. The ol' lack of engagement is eating at me in a way it normally doesn't. I think also, there are pressures on fic writers that simply weren't there when I began as ahiddenpath. Things like AI gobbling up fanfic as training fodder, etc. I find myself weighing the pros and cons of posting vs keeping my writing offline more than I ever have.

I need some time to figure myself out. Maybe I'm just in the clutches of burnout and feeling down about everything, and I'll feel better in a while. I can't say for sure, so I'm not going to make any firm statements. Just, if I'm quiet/not updating, this is why. I'm still writing and I'm still around, so don't worry!

If you're doing Nanowrimo, I wish you luck, let's be Nano pals! And to all of you, please take care and be well <3 I'm always hoping for the best for you!

#hidden's life #writing news

[yoi-thoughts]

The Diary

Character: Jake & MC

Plot: Jake was texting with MC, but then she left, and he was worried because she was acting weird so he made a decision to find out what was happening to her.

Genre: Fiction & Non-fiction.

Spoiler: it contain a vent of my part.

Warning: It's my first time writing something like this where I combine my personal life with something fictitious... If you don't like my combination please don't read it and don't add hate please.

Jake: How was your day MC?

MC: It was a normal day, but I need to go now

We can talk later Jake 🤍.

Jake: Is everything okay? If you want to talk I am here :)

MC: I am fine, I will text you.

MC is offline

Jake was thinking a lot about what MC said since it was strange how she act at that time, she always answered happily, but today it seemed as if something was bothering her.

Jake thinks of hacking MC's cell phone

"I know this isn't right and I know she'll be upset if she finds out but I need to know what's happening", Jake said.

Beginning of the hacking of MC's cell phone said the screen of the laptot... 100% Completed.

Jake started checking the messages but she didn't have many just from her parents, sisters and brother, and some friends then he started checking her social networks and found something strange but he prefer not to check it and keep looking... After a while he finds something that might give him clues.

After a while he found something it was an application called "Diary", the diary contains two sections, one called " Investigation:Hannah's disappearance case" and the other "My life".

"A diary about her life maybe I'll find something that tells me what's happening to her", he thought.

He began to read a few pages in it he found that MC was writing about her days, her family... And then he found something that said:

Sometimes I need to be able to vent myself... I want to talk with someone but I can't I am afraid...

I don't know what's wrong with me... I feel like I'm a prey being chased by a predator called "mistakes of past"

I know what I did in my past and I want to change but the people around me remind me that... I am really tired

I am trying to be the better version of myself but I... I don't know what I've become.

I had forgotten the most important thing for me... that there's nobody else I have to be or have to please

I don't want to worry Jake🤍 he's the person who makes me feel loved again, happy, someone I can count on, and who cares about me ... He makes me feel many things.

Someday, I will tell him all that has happened in my life, and I hope that it does not change anything between us because I want to spend many things by his side because I love him so much.

After reading, he was stunned - he had no idea what MC was going through... he was so distracted that he bumped into the wall and ended up hurting his face.

He healed his wounds and lay down on the bed, tears began to flow on his face, he was shattered knowing what MC had gone through her problems with her parents, friends, and other people.

"I am sorry MC, You have always been for me but I could not be at your side when you needed me... I will do everything in my hands to protect you and give you all the love you need because I know that you have always given me all your love and affection", He said.

On the screen of the laptot appeared "you have a new message"

He wiped his face and checked the message that had just arrived

MC is online

MC: I'm sorry to be offline, I was thinking a lot about things that I want to tell you but I was afraid...

Jake: Don't worry MC, I'm here for you always ;)

And you don't have to rush to tell me things that make you feel afraid.

MC: You are so sweet with me, one day I will tell you everything.

I am happy to have met you.

Jake: me too :)

"I am so in love with you MC", He said touching the screen.

#ym #<3 #drawing #duskwood fandom #personal thoughts #duskwood #duskwood everbyte #duskwood jake #duskwood game #duskwood family #duskwood mc #fanfic #fanfic with personal things #i hope you like it #Fiction and Non-fiction

[steelycunt]

hii i was wondering if maybe u have any advice on posting on ao3 for the first time. ive encountered some people that just immediately bash fics if it doesnt agree with their hc and that makes me even more nervous. also the thought of writing so much and no one reading my work is kind of discouraging :(( im not really active on social media and cant say here followers i posted a new fic yk? sigh idk

hi babe!! of course. i rambled a bit, so it's under the cut.

posting on ao3 is always nerve-wracking - for me, at least - and it has never really become less so. genuinely, as i write this, im looking at an ao3 draft open in a different tab that im ready to post but i'm still getting nervous about. and when i post it, i'll have to get offline for a few hours because i always get the urge to take it down. nerves are natural! especially when sharing something you've put love and work into.

as for bashers - everyone has different preferences, and everyone will have different headcanons, and everyone will have things they like and do not like. it's completely unavoidable (esp in big fandom), but the responsibility is on them - don't like, don't read, and all that. it is not on you to cater to everyone and anyone. if you hold back writing/posting in case there's somebody out there who doesn't like the same things that you do, you might never post! and that's a shame, because whatever you're writing is important, and worthwhile, i promise. to steal advice i've seen other people give on this site: it's vital to separate the act of writing from the act of posting - if you're going to keep at writing, you have to write for you. you just have to. or you'll fall out of love with it. the posting is something you do to share it with other people - it isn't written for them, it's shared with them. if you can look at something you wrote and think, i'm glad that exists, i wrote what i wanted to read, then honestly who cares if ao3user184392 thinks it isn't for them? they can go write their own stuff.

and to your final point - it's totally natural to feel discouraged if you don't get the engagement you're hoping for. it shouldnt be the reason you write, but of course it's the reason you post. it's the reason we all post! for other people to see it. tagging correctly and all that stuff is important for making sure it ends up in the right spaces, but also...pretty much everyone posting on ao3 has that same fear. it might take time as you build your account and post a bit more, but there is a community! if you like another author's fic, tell them, follow them, all of that. chances are they feel pretty similar to you. your sole motivation for interacting with other writers/fics should never be the expectation that they're now obligated to do the same, because that isn't how it works, but it's a good way of making friends and getting to know people and feeling a bit more involved (especially here on tumblr - ao3 is not a social media site). besides all that, the goal is to get to a place where you're not super numbers focused, because things like kudos don't determine the value of your work. lots of my favourite fics aren't massively big, statistics-wise, but they're wonderful.

i hope this has been helpful! and i hope it wasn't super contradictory, i'm just trying to get across that there's different ways you can approach posting and writing. i know i've got a ton of talented writer mutuals who can probably answer this way better than me, so if anyone has anything to add, please do!

it's scary, the whole thing is scary, it terrifies me too, but you can't let that put you off. i hope you end up posting, and i'd love to read anything you write, anon! and you can message me off anon if you want to talk anymore about all this. <3

#telegram #anon #writing tag

[with-love-anu]

okay hellooo i'm this anon.

you said i could talk so here i am... you know, i will not talk about my hyperfixations because i think you'll understand who i am (hint: i'm a mutual of yours) and i think i dont want you to know, at least not right now. i have been wanting to send you an ask like this since a few days but it keeps slipping out my mind. i jad a pretty shitty evening today plus ihave a ptm tomorrow where i'll get to know my marks for the first school exams of 11th grade. i dont think i am very nervous (maybe bc i have convinced myself that i'm going to get horrible marks). i just cant seem to fall asleep. the past few weeks have been hard, not in the sense that they are problematic (like intrusive thoughts and the like), but that i just wanna sleep all day, i dont feel like working or attending classes i usually loved. things just seem bland. a freind of mine who was suicidal hasn't responded in about 24 hours and i'm... worried to say the least. i just hope she's alright.

but, enough about me. are you alright? do you feel okay, good even? when do you go to bed? frankly, i feel jealous of the 💀 anon ciz they are soo good at conversations. ofc it isn't my place to feel jealous but okay. i.. have been thinking about it, and can i call you my friend? it... feels kinda forward and i hope you're not offended. tell me if you feel triggered by anything I've mentioned and I'll stop. thanks for being there <3.

~ 🌔

hiiii!

it's alright with whatever you're comfortable with- i'm glad you sent this ask in ;D

I think you're dealing with a lot rn. Grade 11 is hard as it is and I cannot comprehend what it must be like to take online classes for it (or even if they're offline rn, I don't think things must be same as school before all this covid shit). Just,, take a deep breath and remember it's going to be okay. Even if you fail at certain subjects- it's alright it's normal, trust me- even tho it hurts like a bitch and parents are never the ones to understand.

I think what might help you rn is to create a study group. Maybe even of 3-4 people. If the schools are still online- make a whole discord chat room (whatever you're comfortable with) and just hold maybe voice/video study session calls. Or if it's offline, maybe you can stay for some time after school- (our school allowed that.) The more you interact with people who are going through the same thing as you, the better you'll feel. Discuss questions and stuff, what all of you are struggling with.

Another thing that helped me were yt video lectures (I listened to them at 0.5-1.5x speed to keep myself concentrated). Listen to someone that actually makes you like those subjects again- one of the major reasons (except being alone) that makes you lose interest are shitty teachers. Maybe this list would help as well.

She would be alright I'm sure :( Maybe call to check up if it becomes too much?

I'm alright yes! Just constantly in and out- since I'm free, I try to find out any and all stuff I can do. Been trying to write but somehow reader insert is not making me happy as it used to? Dk, my emotions are a mess and I think it shows in my works. givufnubuhgvijn you're great at conversing dw🤗 nah nope you my friend now🔫

I'm not triggered at all rn! take care okay? i hope you have a better day than you expected!!

#🌔 anon

[thesunnyshow]

Name: Ren Age: 21 Writing Blog URL(s): @ateez-ly​, @wxyvision​ & @cherry-woo​, and only the odd work on my main ( @soft-woo )

Nationality: British Languages: English, Spanish, Dutch (learning), limited Mandarin Star Sign: Aries MBTI: INFP-T Favorite color: Red Favorite food: Pasta or cheesecake Favorite movie: Coyote Ugly Favorite ice cream flavor: Strawberry Favorite animal: Red panda Go-to karaoke song: Back To Black by Amy Winehouse 

What fandom(s) do you write for? Ateez, Nct (ot21), The Boyz, and now Stray Kids

When did you post your first piece? My first writing blog work was posted February 1st 2019 (Quenched - Yeosang)

Do you write fluff/angst/crack/general/smut, combo, etc? Why? Generally fluff and angst, sometimes a combo, though I have tried writing some crack more recently. I'm just more familiar with fluff and angst and it's easier to pull off

Do you write OCs, X Readers, Ships...etc? I mostly write x reader stuff. I have written with OCs and ships but I prefer to read and write x reader stuff so I stuck with that

Why did you decide to write for Tumblr? My Ateez writing blog was my first writing blog, but I did write a couple of stuff before that. I think it's just a case of "I have this really cool idea and I want to share it with my friends"

What inspires you to write? Just about anything - conversations with friends, Tumblr posts, my weird dreams etc.

What genres/AUs do you enjoy writing the most? I've really enjoyed writing prince aus (like my Xiaojun prince au) as well as getting into writing fantasy and crack stuff. I still feel most confident with angst though

What do you hope your readers take away from your work? I simply hope they enjoy it. It would be great if I could make them smile or cry with my writing

What do you do when you hit a rough spot creatively? I just take a step back. I don't force myself to write if nothing's coming to me. Sometimes I talk through what I'm writing with a friend and it helps give me some ideas. But generally, I try not to force it

What is your favorite work and why? Your most successful? My favourite work, excluding my wips, is probably 'Dear First Love' because it's the longest thing I've ever written and I think the storyline is really cute. My most successful is 'Hugging Ateez'

Do you think there’s a difference between writing fanfiction vs. completely original prose? I mean yes? To some degree. In terms of the process I guess not, but original prose is less likely to include famous people (real or fictional) so it's different in that respect

What do you think makes a good story? A good story, to me, is one where the reader is invested in the story. If the reader doesn't care about the characters and what happens to them, then to me, it's not a good story

What is your writing process like? I get an idea, write down the basic idea, then build around that, laying out the plot and all its twists and turns and fleshing out my characters. Once I've got a good idea of what I'm doing, I'll start writing. When I'm organised, anyway. Otherwise I just see where my writing takes me!

Would you ever repurpose a fic into a completely original story? Absolutely! If there was a fic that I was really proud of and wanted to turn it into an original story, I'd go for it

What tropes do you love, and what tropes can’t you stand? I'm a sucker for pretty much any trope as long as it's legal and not toxic. I really love 'found family' and the classic 'friends to lovers' tropes. I'm not sure if these are tropes, but I'm not really into mpreg or body swapping. You do you, writers, but it's just not for me

How much would you say audience feedback/engagement means to you? A lot! Even one reblog or comment puts a smile on my face and makes me proud of what I've made

Coffee or tea? What are you ordering? Tea! I have regular tea with some milk and a couple of sugars

Dream job (whether you have a job or not)? At the moment, it's to be a florist, although I'd really love to be a successful author

If you could have one superpower, what would you choose?  The power to control plants so maybe mine won't die on me anymore

If you could visit a historical era, which would you choose? Either the Victorian or Georgian/regency era

If you were a trope in a teen high school movie, what would you have been? Probably the nerd/teacher's pet?

Do you believe in aliens/supernatural creatures?  Some of them yes (e.g ghosts), some of them no (e.g. vampires)

Do you think fanfic writers get unfairly judged? I do. Especially by those who don't read/write fanfiction. A lot of people think we're 'cringy' or that we make things gross. There's definitely some gross fanfics out there, but I don't think fanfic writers as a whole should be judged by one questionable fanfic someone read once

Do you think art can be a medium for change? Yes, all kinds of art can. There's a lot of literature and art now that picks apart problems in our society and challenges them. It's already lead to some change in the way people think about certain things

Do you ever feel there are times when you’re writing for others, rather than yourself? I used to back when I wrote requests on another site. I'd sit there and churn out request after request after request like a robot until I started to hate writing and had to take a break for a while. Now, I just write what inspires me. I'll take a few requests but no way am I ever going back to the way I wrote before

Do your offline friends/loved ones know you write for Tumblr? I imagine my university flatmates have probably seen me reblogging my writing at least once, so yes. As for my family, I don't think they know what Tumblr even is (thankfully!)

What is one thing you wish you could tell your followers? This is really simple but… I love you and thank you for supporting me!

Do you have any advice for aspiring writers who might be too scared to put themselves out there? I know it's super scary putting out writing for others to see, but really, some leaps are worth it. You'll never really know how something will go if you never try. Maybe you could start off with small steps, like sharing a piece of writing with a couple of friends if you don't feel confident jumping straight in

Are there any times when you regret joining Tumblr? Sometimes, if there's drama in a fandom or fanwars going on, but I generally try to stay away from it and just enjoy the lighthearted content

Do you have any mutuals who have been particularly formative/supportive in your Tumblr journey? Yes, in one way or another. Some of them have helped me with my writing ideas, whilst others have been a rock for me emotionally, and many have played both roles. To name a handful of people, @linothot, @silverstonemanor and @wangjyunhao amongst many others have really helped me 💛

Pick a quote to end your interview with:  Be who you want to be, not the person who others want you to be

#@ateez-ly #@wxyvision #@cherry-woo #@soft-woo #thesunnyshow #featuredauthor #episode 23 #ateez #nct #wayv #stray kids #the boyz

[punkscowardschampions]

Sick Kids

ihatemyguts: Hey, who's about today? brainpain: 👀 brainpain: 👃 brainpain: 👅 ihatemyguts: Uncanny brainpain: I know ihatemyguts: Artistic endeavors keeping you busy? brainpain: [a selfie of her dramatic 🌈 makeup aesthetic] ihatemyguts: Okay but I'm gonna need a tutorial ihatemyguts: I never even mastered lipstick brainpain: I'll hook you up brainpain: check your private msgs ihatemyguts: 👍🙏 ihatemyguts: if my face is gonna be 🌚 from now on, it should really look pretty ihatemyguts: #juststeroidthings brainpain: it's a good face brainpain: + if I can rock a half shaved head with my brainpain: 👀 brainpain: 👃 brainpain: 👅 brainpain: not a time to still be alive brainpain: LMAO ihatemyguts: no doubt you rocked it so well everyone thought it was a choice brainpain: you gotta act like you're starting a 🌚 worshipping cult brainpain: I'll do a tutorial for that brainpain: full face of silver ihatemyguts: I can get down with that ihatemyguts: 🙌🌊🩸🐺🙌 ihatemyguts: am here on a bit of a recruitment mission, actually brainpain: my housemates & I are all synced 🩸 wise so you'd be doing me a favour, newbie brainpain: living battle royale over here brainpain: not trying to recruit you to fight to the death by my side though, we're good brainpain: what's the job? ihatemyguts: That sounds delightful, man ihatemyguts: also lowkey how has that never happened, not even with my ma ihatemyguts: clearly just that cold and standoffish she's like nah ihatemyguts: maybe I should wait 'til Zach is here too 'cos it was kinda his idea but if I give cred now, we're all good and I can take the blame if it's a big nope brainpain: you're still a 👶 not even gonna be synced with yourself yet brainpain: hold up I'll drag him by his curls brainpain: out there having a life like a real boy 😤 ihatemyguts: 😂 ihatemyguts: he'll get tricked into going to a weird Funland island and get turned into a donkey for his crimes, it's okay brainpain: sounds lit brainpain: [inandout has entered the chat] inandout: 🤥 ihatemyguts: How's your conscience? ihatemyguts: 🦗🦗🦗 inandout: 💎 clear ihatemyguts: 🤨 suspect inandout: you're not my wine mum inandout: or vodka aunt ihatemyguts: How rude ihatemyguts: Put some respect on your cult leader inandout: 🙇🙏 inandout: no food offerings ihatemyguts: safe bet gotspoons: 👋 I'm here! gotspoons: having a great day today, actually got energy, whaaaa?! 😲🤭 inandout: quick! float the idea while she's on cloud 9 gotspoons: You make me sound like an ogre, Zach 😜 gotspoons: what's going on? brainpain: Princess ogre ihatemyguts: Fiona ihatemyguts: v chic ihatemyguts: anyway, as we're all 👍 besides battle royale 🩸 ihatemyguts: we was thinking, and talking 'bout, a potential meetup ihatemyguts: thought we'd float it, see what y'all 💭 brainpain: I've got a 🍳 I'm 👍 + in ihatemyguts: which princess is that? one with crazy long hair, I 👀 it ihatemyguts: it could be cool, yeah? and why not, we'd have to make sure everyone who wants to can obvs or what's the point but apart from that brainpain: Princess me, unless the bleach makes it all fall out 😬 brainpain: [a very her style location] 📌🌎 inandout: we're not doing it there gotspoons: This is the problem, guys 😩 gotspoons: it would be really awesome but there is SO much planning you'd have to do to make it safe for everyone gotspoons: and picking a place for everyone that meets all the requirements inandout: we're willing to do all that inandout: planning + safety stuff ihatemyguts: totally ihatemyguts: like we could even go to a park or somewhere totally neutral ihatemyguts: or see if we can find some council-owned hall or something, 'cos places like that HAVE to be accessible ihatemyguts: I don't mind calling around and I bet Rich knows lots, and you will think of ALL the ways to keep EVERYONE safe and happy, right Rosie? brainpain: where I used to have support group would actually work brainpain: [a decent location that's like a community centre of something] ihatemyguts: 🙌 that looks legit ihatemyguts: if we explain what we're tryna do, bet they won't even charge us brainpain: I've got a hook up as ⭐ pupil brainpain: had my pick of those circle of chairs tigerbalm: 🙀🙀🙀🙀 tigerbalm: are we REALLY going to be able to meet up in person?! inandout: possibly gotspoons: How are we going to do this, IF we can gotspoons: you have to think about food and drink and seating and how we'd cover that, even if they did give us the venue for free inandout: I'm great with funds, it's assumed and expected gotspoons: but is that fair? gotspoons: I know some of us have none or very little inandout: I won't charge any of you a fee to come through the doors inandout: not that Jewish gotspoons: Oh, Zach! ihatemyguts: 🤑 is an accessibility issue, this should be a service, it should exist for free ihatemyguts: but it doesn't ihatemyguts: so if we can do this for ourselves, and offer it for free, for as little expense as possible ihatemyguts: maybe people will pull their finger out and consider actually doing their job ihatemyguts: you can write about it on your blog, get the word out brainpain: I'll fund-raise on stream, I've got your backs, nerds ihatemyguts: Right? High🖐 ihatemyguts: it's for US, so all of us that can, will put money into it ihatemyguts: no pressure on the ones that can't, fuck that, if anyone is gonna be that arsehole then they aren't welcome, yeah? tigerbalm: my parents have a people carrier, cos of course they do, but my creepy uncle won't be invited if any of y'all need rides ihatemyguts: 🤩🤩🤩 gotspoons: I'm going to do some research gotspoons: A LOT of research gotspoons: I would hate for anything to happen to anyone is this group tigerbalm: Where's Rich? tigerbalm: he would love to be on the front lines about this gotspoons: He would be a big help gotspoons: I feel like he had a uni thing today, an open day or something like that??? gotspoons: ugh my memory letting me down AS PER tigerbalm: how exciting! tigerbalm: I'll have to quiz him when he shows gotspoons: I know! gotspoons: He always checks in though, he'll be here later brainpain: Moving on, for those of us too brain damaged for further education gotspoons: 😔 brainpain: just me & my raging hormones LOL brainpain: he'll be such a happy nerd gotspoons: that's for sure gotspoons: he'll probably know so many answers to our questions already enablednotdisabled: I thought this group existed in lieu of an in-person group? brainpain: sup dude, it does enablednotdisabled: wouldn't it be potentially exclusionary to take this offline then? enablednotdisabled: realistically, there will be some of us who simply cannot get there inandout: if you wanna get there, we'll make it happen inandout: facetime you in if nothing else works enablednotdisabled: I'm not talking for myself, just others who might not feel confident enough to inandout: collective "you" inandout: we've all got phones enablednotdisabled: I just feel like this group can be quite us vs. them at times enablednotdisabled: hard to get heard if you aren't in the core group tigerbalm: There isn't a core group tigerbalm: everyone is listened to & respected enablednotdisabled: With all due respect, you are a part of it enablednotdisabled: so, of course, you feel that way enablednotdisabled: I'm not suggesting you can't break off and do your own thing, but the main chat of this forum that is meant to be for all of us, isn't the place for it brainpain: this group is what you make it, man brainpain: + the main chat brainpain: hit us with a topic you wanna talk about whenever inandout: it was brought up here so everyone knows they're invited ihatemyguts: I'm new and everyone I've found has been really receptive and welcoming to whatever I've had to say ihatemyguts: it sucks that you've not had that experience yourself but no one here is excluding you right now, least of all Robyn enablednotdisabled: There's a definite atmosphere here, whether you want to acknowledge it or not enablednotdisabled: the guidelines of what is expected and what is acceptable need to be clearer enablednotdisabled: and the moderators, who I've never actually witnessed in chat, should be quicker to put people on the right track, making this more therapeutic/beneficial to all, ban people if necessary brainpain: If you 🔎 hard enough for an atmosphere, it's findable brainpain: when you come in with a definite attitude of your own that's not gonna help none gotspoons: There's no need for us to have an argument, this is supposed to be a positive space gotspoons: if you have a complaint you'd like to make @enablednotdisabled, there is a link to contact the mods directly gotspoons: but I'd be happy to talk to you, privately if you'd prefer, and then we can take it from there? enablednotdisabled: I can handle my own complaints, thanks enablednotdisabled: and this isn't a positive space for me, and plenty other people I've talked to gotspoons: It hurts me to hear that, I'm really sorry and steps do need to be taken to attempt to rectify that then handicapable: I agree, it's cliquey here, unless you're one of the 'popular kids' or core group as @enablednotdisabled said, nobody cares handicapable: @ihatemyguts may be new but her finding a way in doesn't mean the walls aren't there for the rest of us handicapable: I barely log in any more gotspoons: Then let's tackle this culture head on gotspoons: do either of you have suggestions on how we could go about that, so I'm not dominating the conversation handicapable: You're not the one who dominates the conversation ihatemyguts: Don't think we need to @ people with specific comments like that ihatemyguts: not speaking for myself brainpain: @ me, baby brainpain: At least then I could defend myself brainpain: 🤐 though ihatemyguts: You've got the floor, like tigerbalm: It's not a safe space for Lauren if she can't say what she wants to say at risk of being accused of dominating the chat tigerbalm: either you want people to feel listened to or you don't ihatemyguts: And yeah, I am new, but I know Lauren, or anyone else in the chat rn, would not shoot you down if you wanted to change topic enablednotdisabled: It's about who always seems to be dictating the topic enablednotdisabled: we could change it, but then you feel like an interloper ihatemyguts: The conversation has to start somewhere, by someone ihatemyguts: @handicapable admitted to barely logging in now, of course the people who are here more will talk more, that's a given, it doesn't mean you're not allowed to contribute or come in to the convo ihatemyguts: there's no way to avoid that...prompts? mods only? that's not natural, or practical inandout: bible quotes inandout: 1 Peter 5:10 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Why are we quoting scripture? inandout: Lauren's been here for like 2 years but suddenly she's a disruptive force tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Well that's bullshit tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: unless you're a incel on her stream brainpain: you know me brainpain: how was your open day, babe? brainpain: (unless I'm a domineering b word for asking) tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Decent, despite the fact no one was expecting the wheelchair kid tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: despite the fact I called ahead tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: you can dominate me all you want but let me catch up with this apparent shitstorm I've missed brainpain: what a sexy proposition brainpain: I knew I'd missed you enablednotdisabled: Right, that's that conversation over then enablednotdisabled: 👌 brainpain: come on, man ihatemyguts: This is ridiculous ihatemyguts: people have formed meaningful relationships here, they're not allowed to acknowledge that in case someone feels left out, if you've talked to plenty of other people about the state of this forum, then clearly you've formed deeper bonds with them too ihatemyguts: no one here begrudges you that ihatemyguts: you're bound to get on with certain people over others, there's nothing discriminatory about that, it's to be expected tigerbalm: Like, are we supposed to take everything to PMs now? Cos I wanna hear about Rich's open day too but maybe he doesn't wanna type everything out to separate people lots of separate times ihatemyguts: ^You're just being rude, for the sake of it ihatemyguts: Rosie has offered to privately message about this, or you can put it all in an email to the mods tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Okay tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: literally, 'we' (I'll include myself in this core group that you see, even if I don't see that as a valid argument), have done nothing to you two, have never excluded either of you tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: everyone here is welcoming, and was welcoming you before your complaints tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: which aren't rooted in anything I can see as factual tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: what's the actual issue here? you're just hitting out buzzwords handicapable: and you're just jumping to the defence of the girl you like flirting with brainpain: Whoa now! That's not all I am in here tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: See, that's multiple times you've personally made jabs at Lauren tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: none of us have made any comments on you two personally tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: it seems like you're more cliquey than us if you can't see her as a valued member of the group brainpain: I'm not gonna leave cos you want on Rich for being hot af brainpain: shoutout to the new girl for letting that be known though tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Thank you, m'dear (somewhere between 🎩 and 🧢) tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: but thanks for implying I'm so desperate that I'd flirt with a girl I'd never seen before @handicapable tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: things are not quite that bad, I can assure you inandout: we're all that desperate, where have we heard that before? inandout: @normal people tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: and we don't deserve any relationships that are deeper than strictly clinical and professional inandout: which is why we don't need to talk to any one person more than once tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Shout your grievances into the void and move on tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: but don't be too depressing about it ihatemyguts: This group doesn't work, you're right, just not for the reasons you're giving ihatemyguts: but we're all welcome to do what we must about making it work, even if I disagree with yours personally ihatemyguts: at least we try, and if you view us as an 'us' then you also view yourself as a group ihatemyguts: which isn't how I see it, or it's meant to be ihatemyguts: it's a group as a whole inandout: I wanted to organise a meet up to make things cooler inandout: sometimes you don't wanna shout shit into the void inandout: you wanna look someone in the eye when you're talking to them inandout: so you don't have to feel othered ihatemyguts: ^^ inandout: I get to do things with all my other friends inandout: that's what you guys are tigerbalm: I don't have other friends, I'm not saying it to make anyone 😿 tigerbalm: but I don't tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: you've got us tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: and we don't need to apologize for being friends tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: and I think meeting up is a really good idea, I'll be happy to help brainpain: It's okay, Robyn, none of us have done anything wrong gotspoons: I've contacted the moderators, I'll let you know when I get a response brainpain: I did too ✌️ gotspoons: Good, everyone who feels they need to, should gotspoons: I'm glad your open-day went well, Rich brainpain: me too, hot 🤓 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Thanks, guys tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: it's got potential tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: once I get there and make some changes, of course tigerbalm: 🙌 You go, Rich! 🧡 tigerbalm: not to use a banned word but you do inspire me for when I get to uni myself tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: We'll allow it, well I will because I love a compliment tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: and you'll be great when you do tigerbalm: I hope my parents won't make me stay local tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: If you don't want to, you shouldn't tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: don't let anything stop you tigerbalm: I'll try not to tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: when you need them, I can throw all the resources and info at you tigerbalm: thanks brainpain: Can we talk about me now cos that's the ONLY reason I'm here LMAO ihatemyguts: @Zach, gonna come at her with your famous line? inandout: you've built it up now ihatemyguts: 🙄 ugh, baby inandout: are we at pet names? cool ihatemyguts: 😂 shut up ihatemyguts: but don't, all voices welcome inandout: yours is dragon ball z inandout: for today ihatemyguts: romantic ihatemyguts: we're meant to be talking about Lauren inandout: Lauren's is low blow ihatemyguts: got a real talent, kid ihatemyguts: may as well do the entire group inandout: wouldn't wanna exclude anyone ihatemyguts: 😏 ihatemyguts: no one will be devastated about that, trust me inandout: damn inandout: or dang ihatemyguts: is that another group rule I've shamelessly flouted? 😬 brainpain: It's a me rule, dragon ball brainpain: you're safe in this safe space ihatemyguts: I'll do my best to mind my Ps & Qs ihatemyguts: 🤞 brainpain: you're fine I'm just aware of my 👵 status brainpain: don't wanna spook the 👶s ihatemyguts: thoughtful ihatemyguts: 👌 brainpain: who knew? brainpain: check me out, not being a huge b word ihatemyguts: honestly, disappointing brainpain: @ my exes ihatemyguts: they aren't here, are they ihatemyguts: @fibro not included brainpain: only my next brainpain: when I snag Rich for myself brainpain: gotta tame that playboy ihatemyguts: so many 💔💔💔 @ this news brainpain: long as you're not brainpain: he's too old for you, babe tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I feel used tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: and yes, much too 👴 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: be your ex-husband at this rate brainpain: I'm not gonna say, you can use me too, in front of the children brainpain: but mutual love & respect, boy tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Shocking behaviour, Mrs brainpain: asking for discipline would also be over the line, sir gotspoons: OKAY gotspoons: putting a stop to this convo thank you gotspoons: 😳 gotspoons: 😳 gotspoons: 😳 gotspoons: 😳 gotspoons: have I covered it? brainpain: g dang it, Rich! Have I not been involved in enough controversy for one day? brainpain: turn away from me, you sexy beast gotspoons: you're very cute but terrible gotspoons: ogre princess putting her foot down on this one tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I'll take the blame tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: rushing to your defense again brainpain: 😍 ihatemyguts: sure wish someone would run in and change the topic ihatemyguts: it's like mum and dad have had too much 🍷 inandout: could be a prime time for you to ask Robbie on your first date, dbz ihatemyguts: Oh yeah! 💡 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: 💘 is in the air tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: careful, Zach ihatemyguts: Robyn, have you decided what you're gonna wear to your party yet? tigerbalm: I have a moodboard tigerbalm: would you like to see it? ihatemyguts: Um, absolutely tigerbalm: [that moodboard] ihatemyguts: So, you'd be up for going into town to try-on stuff, right? ihatemyguts: I can think of some shops with some unique stuff tigerbalm: 😺!!! ihatemyguts: Is that a yes 😺 or a I'm calling the police 😺? tigerbalm: I'd love to tigerbalm: my parents might call the police though ihatemyguts: that's alright, I've given you a fake name tigerbalm: they would think so tigerbalm: but their name choices are pretty boring ihatemyguts: at least you've got a super cute name ihatemyguts: if it'd make them feel better though, I'll come meet them or whatever tigerbalm: oh thanks x2 tigerbalm: that's so nice ihatemyguts: 'course ihatemyguts: who doesn't like shopping? inandout: I don't inandout: that much ihatemyguts: that'll be why you didn't ask yourself inandout: I would never third wheel your date inandout: very uncool ihatemyguts: well, if anyone does wanna come along, that'd be alright brainpain: happy to invite myself into any convo or situation ihatemyguts: 🤓 or 😎 ihatemyguts: you could do our makeup ihatemyguts: because not joking about the trainwreck it is when I do ihatemyguts: 🤡 not the theme brainpain: to avoid a spooky 🤡 resurge brainpain: I shall gotspoons: 😱😱😱😱 gotspoons: I hate clowns tigerbalm: SAME! my brothers love the 🤡🎈 films but I can't watch 🙀 gotspoons: Nooooooo gotspoons: even the advert was scary tigerbalm: ever since I went to the 🎪🐘🤡🍿 as a child I'm like traumatised inandout: once I got dragged along when my parents went shopping for a sofa and there was a clown there inandout: as a mascot or something gotspoons: 😭 THAT'S HORRIFYING inandout: fever dreams are made of this inandout: he kept trying to ruffle my hair ihatemyguts: definitely a bad omen ihatemyguts: that clown was there to warn you about...something inandout: I'm not classing it as a date though, you still get to go first inandout: the warning'll simply be my impending death ihatemyguts: your first bad omen ihatemyguts: n'awh inandout: cute, right? ihatemyguts: 🐭 🐹 🐰 inandout: 🐿🦔 ihatemyguts: 🦄 brainpain: sure, I'll chaperone you two brainpain: ✨ ihatemyguts: result brainpain: arms length, Zachary gotspoons: I feel like I'm on a dating site brainpain: there'd be way more fibros if we were gotspoons: I've never even attempted to date gotspoons: such a minefield brainpain: if you change your mind, I'll get my sister to list off which ones to avoid brainpain: she feeds me a new spooky story weekly gotspoons: see, it's bad enough without the added 'who I am' drama brainpain: get yourself a love interest with more 🚑💊💉 drama than you, that's what I do brainpain: you're the chill one by comparison gotspoons: Rich is still here lurking, you know 🤭 brainpain: he knows what we have is deep + meaningful tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: 👌 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: very serious brainpain: I'm coaching Rosie for her first venture into dating not discussing our lengthy but ultimately doomed love affair tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: doomed because 💀💀 or doomed because someone will join the group with ultimate 🚑💊💉 drama and better hair? brainpain: @Zach with that death clock bs brainpain: doomed cos you'll meet a hot 🤓 at uni brainpain: nobody has better hair than either of us tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Okay then, I won't be pre-offended and call you out on that nonsense brainpain: that isn't a promise that you'll still have time for me brainpain: we're all waiting, Rich tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: depends how hot and how nerdy this university girl is, of course brainpain: Profess your undying love for me or get out, honestly tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: 😏 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Rosie will shut it down again brainpain: 😉 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: She's a hater 💔 gotspoons: 😱 Rich! gotspoons: I'm very supportive brainpain: LOL gotspoons: 😥 gotspoons: I love love brainpain: you're a 🧸 brainpain: I love you, Rosemary brainpain: feel free to ignore my husband gotspoons: I ❤️ 🧡 💛 💚 💙 💜 you all too gotspoons: even if you test my nerves sometimes, it's only in a good way 😅 tigerbalm: So, if one of us had  a 'normal' crush, would that be doomed? tigerbalm: asking for a friend 😳 gotspoons: OF COURSE NOT gotspoons: you're beautiful gotspoons: spill spill! tigerbalm: there isn't much to say except his running route goes past my house tigerbalm: we've 👋 at each other but no conversation has happened gotspoons: HOW EXCITING ihatemyguts: You've gotta talk to him ihatemyguts: such a meet-cute tigerbalm: I have no idea what I would say ihatemyguts: a hello to go with the 👋 to start ihatemyguts: you'll know what to do tigerbalm: a 'how are you?' to follow but what then? ihatemyguts: something like...you run this route often? ihatemyguts: do you run anywhere else? ihatemyguts: are you single? tigerbalm: 🐱 gotspoons: Oh! gotspoons: What does he look like? gotspoons: Can you take a picture? gotspoons: No, perhaps not gotspoons: I've got snap happy now 😅 tigerbalm: I'll try if I can do it without anyone else noticing tigerbalm: it's okay if my cat judges me, but no humans tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I cannot officially endorse this behaviour, ladies tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: but I'm sure he would be very flattered and consider himself lucky, Robyn tigerbalm: Oh Rich, you're such a big softie 😸 brainpain: LMAO brainpain: forget the boy, I want pics of your cat tigerbalm: [cat pics] 🧡 inandout: that is a potentially judgemental looking moggy, be careful tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: girl or boy? tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: he or she is very distinguished looking, I feel tigerbalm: me & my mum were feeling outnumbered, so she got adopted too tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: fight the power ✊ tigerbalm: I have rabbits too but they would probably encourage me, they're pretty naughty tigerbalm: for fairness tigerbalm: [rabbit pics] brainpain: I had 🐭🐭 as a kid brainpain: LOVED those critters brainpain: [picture of kiddo Lauren with mice on her shoulders] ihatemyguts: I wish I was allowed pets with fur ihatemyguts: scales only inandout: I'm not either inandout: my brother's allergic ihatemyguts: maybe we have the same brother ihatemyguts: slightly concerned now inandout: yours isn't as old as mine, we know that inandout: unless some kind of freaky time loop or something has happened ihatemyguts: I'm you in a parallel universe inandout: before I agree to co-sign, do you have any pets with scales? ihatemyguts: 🐉 🐲 inandout: cool inandout: I accept our parallel lives ihatemyguts: [pics of your dragons 'cos probably have one each lowkey] inandout: if I'm the only petless one in the "core" I will have to hang my head ihatemyguts: you can have joint custody ihatemyguts: don't worry inandout: pet names + a pet share? What a day ihatemyguts: v generous inandout: I'm making that discovery ihatemyguts: 🎁🔍 inandout: I wish we were doing a treasure hunt inandout: that's gonna be date 4 ihatemyguts: challenge accepted ihatemyguts: you gotta find the treasure outside then rehide it though ihatemyguts: more fun inandout: rules accepted ihatemyguts: if you happen to find 💰💎🏺🧭🔮🧿📿 then we'll bury it inandout: what happens if I find a 🗝? ihatemyguts: #5 finding the 🚪 or 🔓 it fits brainpain: Wait, how many dates am I chaperoning you 👶🤓s for? brainpain: gotta find a ✏️ to write this down ihatemyguts: technically, Zach wants to wait 'til he's not 🔞 ihatemyguts: unless you're well dedicated to protect and serve ihatemyguts: also plenty of time to lose that 📄 inandout: don't listen to her, the first date is Robbie's party and we've all 📅 ihatemyguts: might be a double date ihatemyguts: 💃🏃 tigerbalm: I'm so happy that you're both coming! tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Of course they're not missing the event of the season tigerbalm: 😸😺 tigerbalm: I better plan some more tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: It is your forte tigerbalm: compliments are yours tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: and hair tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: humility, less so brainpain: I can vouch for that being why we're soulmates tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: it's the way you can dominate a conversation tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: like a girl with something to say brainpain: 😏 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Tease brainpain: you'd be into it if I were tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: now she speaks 🤫 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: If Rosie isn't sleeping she'll be 😖 brainpain: I know how to behave, you're the bad influence here tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Gladly take that reputation tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: much worse could be said about me brainpain: catch that 2nd wave of drama when the haters log back in tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I hope so brainpain: only cos you missed the kick off tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Not taking politics for nothing brainpain: they can 🔫 @ me if it means you get your 🎓 babe tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: long as I can 🛡 without being fibro about it brainpain: you did tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: 👍 gotspoons: I was thinking gotspoons: maybe if we make more boards for specific topics, that would be better? gotspoons: then the chat could be just that, a casual chat that isn't necessarily disability related but us related, as people gotspoons: what do you guys think? brainpain: I'm in inandout: me too inandout: I was gonna make a similar suggestion but it was my last idea that started everything earlier gotspoons: It's not your fault, Zach gotspoons: I just need to do some admin, update the site tigerbalm: I can help if you need any gotspoons: Thanks, Robbie

[broomswept-thoughts]

I didn't  to write yesterday or this morning before work so I think that's why I feel so scattered and unstable. It smells like Japan and Nagoya suburbs outside. Like faint faint bitter exhaust fumes, warmth on my back, the sound of traffic and also faintly of insect sounds.

I really want to support her, but Julia is really really self deprecating and it's draining me a little being the only or one of the few supports she has in Baltimore. I try to hear her out and encourage her, but it feels like a constant uphill battle because of her really low self esteem. I don't think she really believes what I tell her and that might be part of why she feels like a failure. I'm not even that sunny of a person to begin with either, but I think she brings me down just a little because she doesn't change. I don't know how to tell her this though because she kind of always says oh I feel bad and apologizes nonstop about relying on me.

Rationally, the thing to do is to have boundaries and to tell her I feel down when you talk about everything being so depressing. I know you're going through a lot and I want to support you, but I think I also might need some time alone so I might not respond as quickly. Please don't think of this as me hating you or being tired of you. I think I just need to have more time offline a bit just because I'm feeling stressed.

Hmm would that work? Maybe honestly.

I feel honestly eh inside about Ryan and Duncan so ya know. Just me vibing because it doesn't even matter that hard at the end of the day maybe. I should probably let Ryan know if I'm going by the time I leave work or around 5 tho. Altho idk, maybe if he doesn't ask me I just won't go tbh.

I left Duncan on read. At first I was NOOOO but now it's just. Whatever. Altho I feel like if I don't respond soonish I'll forget about it and that's kinda mean. And not my intention. I think emotionally it's probably a lot, even if in the moment it just feels like texting anyone. I want to escape into the wilderness where no one will talk to me. I want to throw my phone into a lake and walk into the forest next to highways. I'm really tired. Of people. Of feeling alone. Of not being able to be codependent on someone or of catching my own toxic behaviors when I'm so tired. I know I should but I'm just. So tired of caring. And feeling alone and alone and alone. I'm tired of feeling used by people, even if it's unintentional. I'm tired of feeling like... I only have value for what I give to people. What am I if I'm not someone who gives? How Will people know who or what I am if I don't give? Time, words, thoughts, feelings, objects. Is my identity constructed through the value of what I give to people? Maybe. I feel tired and it makes me resentful enough to want to use other people badly or be mean to them. But that's not going to answer or help my own lack of self and self worth.

I want someone to love me and me alone. That's what I feel is conventional romancr which is what I'll talk about. Conventional romance means knowing that you're number one in someone and vice versa. Its only codependent when you restrict the person in question or don't have any other close connections, but isn't this what people crave? To be unquestioningly the very top of someones priorities. To be able to comfortably be the most important person in someone's life. That's why polygamy is uncomfortable to people no? Or maybe I'm just being cynical. But romance means that there is A Special Person who cannot be replaced and you expect said person to love you more than any other person. There's stability and constancy, even though I personally believe that attachment to that seems like a lie and I'm cynical of it all. It just seems nice. I'm also jealous and resentful. But I feel increasingly pessimistic about relationships as a whole. They just seem like fun codependent relationships. I'm tired of seeing and being around it all. I'm just so tired lol.

#reflections