#sounds so stupid and naive but i dont want to stop crying so hard because

[clits-and-clips]

Didn't wake up bawling my eyes out today so that's a plus

#txt #starting my tags with that now cause some didnt end up in my txt tag maybe cause there were so many other tags in front of it #idk either that or tumblr is just glitchy #anyway #sounds so stupid and naive but i dont want to stop crying so hard because #that means im like dealing with it #and moving on #which i dont wang #want* #i want it to all be a dream #or for him to just snap and go wait i want to be with her what am i doing #idk #:/ #i miss holding him so much #its had been summer so we didnt cuddle much for the past 3 months #so im like deprived already ahaha #and my anxiety with sex meant we didnt do that much cause we were literally never home alone #and we were supposed to go to a hotel on the 10th for two nights for alone time #didnt get to have that #it huuuuurtsssss #:(

[laboflove]

Megumi x FR

•Megumi aged up•

Megumi X Cheerleader

❗Warnings❗{Smut, degradation, hard dom, dacryphilia, spanking, drinking}

A/N: Megumi thinks you're pretty much an airhead since you're a cheerleader so he tries to take advantage of that but ends up falling for you

Your body drops letting him see those tight safety shorts all the cheerleaders wore, it's like you were all made for slutty clothes. It was pretty hot but for some reason he never looked at the other girls, only at you. It was probably because you werent like the others, you were so naive, so innocent and such an airhead. It was fun teasing you, making fun of you for getting simple answers wrong and tugging at your skirt even though you hated it.

"Megumi" he looks up seeing your bright eyes and large smile, "Hey" he says with a nod as you sit down in front of him, "so whatre you doing here?" You ask while opening a bottle of water. "You left this at class" he shows you a white book covered in stickers making you blush beet red. "G-give it!" You rush to grab it but he pulls it back, wrapping his arm around your waist.

So close! Megumi was super good looking! One of the hottest guys at the campus in fact but this wasnt important. "Give it Megumi" you say but he doesnt, only holding you down with a smirk. "I was being nice but now I'm kinda curious" and worry fills your mind. "D-dont" you say but he opens it and looks through the pages.

"What's this?" He asks as he looks through the pages filled with notes and drawings of buildings with measurements, but arent you in arts? He notices you looking away, you gave up? That's weird, you never gave up. "Dont worry about it, its nothing" you say while taking the book back and grabbing your stuff. "See you later" you leave making him shocked, so personal things like that make you pissed? How fun.

"C'mon" his fingers graze against your thigh making you curl up, "Leave me alone" you whisper, your hand pressing against his chest. "Why? You're always flirting with Megumi so why cant I?", "I-I dont flirt with him" you mutter feeling your blood boil. You talked to Megumi yeah, but it was because he was always being a dick or when you needed help with assignments but that was it. "Hey" both of your heads turn and the guy is sent flying across the hall.

"M-megumi" he looks at you with a look hes never given before, worry, "Are you okay?" He asks in a softer voice too. Is he okay? "I'm fine" you whisper, fixing your bag and taking your sweater out of it to wrap around your waist. "What the fuck Megumi" he hears from on the ground, "I may be a douchebag but I'd never touch a girl if she didnt want it" he says then grabs your wrist, pulling you down the hallway. Uh oh.

"You're so fucking stupid" he says as he pushes you into an empty classroom, "So fucking naive and you cant even stick up for yourself" you look down at the floor but he tilts your face up, grabbing your cheeks hard to make you look into his eyes. "When something like that happens do anything to stop it, because if you dont, bad shit will happen and I'm not alw-" he stops but you both know the end of that sentence making you blush a soft pink.

"I'm sorry" you whisper and as your phone buzzes you pull away, "Thank you, if you're still here by six maybe I can take you to eat somewhere" you leave in a rush as he looks at his hand. Hes getting too close, way too close.

You dance to the blaring music, holding a plastic red cup in your hand filled with who knows what. He watches your body move, holding a bottle of beer and listening to Yuji ramble about girls and which ones hed like to sleep with but it was Yuji, he never got any girls unless Sukuna was taking over his body.

"But my first one would have to be Y/N, I mean just look at her, shes got an amazing body and I'd love to hear her scream my name" he clenches the bottle tight feeling his anger build up, almost overflowing but he calms himself down. "Eh, shes not that special, total airhead" he says then leaves to a different room, Yuji could do whatever he wanted, it didn't matter because he didnt like you that way and never would.

He watches as he walks up to you and suddenly hes walking towards you as well. Your eyes glance back slightly shocked as arms slowly wrap around you but your widened eyes soften. "Megumi" he smiles hearing his name come out of your mouth, "Hey Beautiful" and you blush, you've been told it often but the way he said it sounded so meaningful and honestly it was the first time you've ever liked being told it.

Time passes as you both dance and talk, giggles filling whatever silence there is and soon enough you and him are drunk, muttering things into each others ears, sitting on his lap, his hands holding your skirt down to make sure no one sees anything and your arms wrapped around his neck. "Why're you so pretty?" He whispers as he leans into your lips, barely touching them making you slightly mad. You wanted to kiss him but he wouldnt get close enough, wouldnt let you get close enough too and you could feel your need building up.

"You want to kiss me?" he whispers into your ear and you drunkenly nod with a small giggle. "So drunk arent you" you lean into his lips but he stops you, "Gimme a kiss" you mumble but he shakes his head.

"Sorry Princess but you're incredibly drunk and I cant just do that to you" he says, trying to make you feel better but all you do is grumble and whine. You were worked up, he had a massive boner and it got you horny too and all you wanted was to please him.

"Your place or mine?" He asks after some time of walking but finds you asleep, "I guess mine" he says then heads to his.

You nuzzle into his chest as his arms wrap around your body, "Megumi" he looks down but you're still asleep making him smile. You looked so peaceful but the shared smell of liquor was making it less comforting. Maybe he should wake you, it wouldnt be good to sleep like this. But then again you didnt have any clothes and you needed to sleep.

You turn around and his slightly intoxicated self heightens the feeling of you pressed right up against him. He whispers your name into your ear, making your eyes open slightly, "Hm" you hum out, you start sobering up and he whispers something into your ear making you turn red.

"P-pervert" he chuckles as his hand rub your side, you were soft but goosebumps were forming which was cute. So shy and so innocent now that you're sobering up. His eyes close again feeling sleep take over him but your grinding against his crotch keeps him from it. "Stop it" he says but you dont, "Play with me" you mumble and as his hand runs up your body you expect him to tilt your face to kiss you but instead his hand wraps around your neck, grabbing it with a bit of force eliciting a gasp from you.

"Take your clothes off, say Red to stop" he mutters in a lower tone and you nod fast, he sounded irritated and you didnt want to make him angry. Once your clothes are off you look back, turning red, seeing him naked as well with only his hipbone and down covered. He smirks seeing your eyes take in the sight, you knew he worked out but you didnt know he was this strong.

"Want a kiss now?" You nod fast as your eyes shine and he smiles, "Take it then" you rush to kiss him making him chuckle at your eagerness, he pulls you onto his lap, looking up at you slightly as his hands rest on your backside, grinding you against him slowly. Tiny, soft moans escape your mouth feeling his hardness rub between your folds, "Megumi" you whine out into his neck.

"I have con-", "No, want you" his mouth goes dry and he lifts you slightly, "You want me?" He asks earning fast nods. "Like this?" A gasp fills the room as he pushes in a single finger, "N-no, want you" he chuckles against your neck thinking of endless ways to tease you but the main thing he wants is for you to beg so, he doesnt remove his finger, he pushes it in and out slowly, not doing anything only making you angry.

"Please" he leans into your ear and bites it slightly, "What do you want?" You shake your head earning a spank. "Tell me" he says but you shake your head again earning another one making you hiss and whine. "Please Megu- ah!" You cover your mouth as he delivers another spank but it's harder this time.

The process goes on, him asking to barely receive an answer and none are what he wants, he sighs then pulls your hair back as you softly cry, "One last chance" he growls out slightly, "Y-your cock, please" he pulls you down onto him making you whine and sob into his neck.

"Such a naughty girl arent you?" He asks as he guides you on him, you felt like actual Heaven, your insides were nice and tight, warm and you were sucking him in so nicely. You nod as tears fall down your face making him twitch, "Fuck me, you're so perfect" he growls into your ear, insults coming after of him telling you how needy you were, that you were just a hole to him, a cumdump, something to use making more tears fall down your face but you loved it, something about being put down like this made it feel so good.

You move your hips to his movements feeling yourself about to break and as it's about to crash he keeps you still. "Try to come without me again and I wont be very nice", "Sorry" you whisper, leaning into him more, feeling soft, mushy and needy.

You both go again and the insults slowly turn into compliments, he moans as you clench around him and you whimper, "Come" he says and your body shakes, immediately at his demand. He thrusts up into you hard making you sob out into the room, "Shh Baby, I've got you" he whispers, hands rubbing your back, pulling you as close as possible and leaving soft kisses on your head.

"So perfect for me, such a good girl. Everything I said isnt true, okay?" You nod with soft cries and he kisses you softly, too rough for the first time and definitely not the right time but you were both definitely sober by now. "I love you" he suddenly says making you stop crying, "I love you too" and he stands. He always said hed never date, especially with someone like you but here he is, confessing his love for you and needing you more than ever.

#jjk smut #jjk imagines #jjk megumi #jujutsu kaisen #megumifushiguro #megumi x y/n #fushiguro megumi

[rlupinswhore]

Prompt List

• you can use these dialogue prompts when requesting. it is obviously your choice to use my prompts or not :)!

• ° • ° • °• ° • ° • °• ° • ° • °• ° • ° • °• ° • ° • °• °

fluff dialogue

"Did you just lick me?!"

"You smell nice. Come here. Hug me so I can smell like you."

"Have you seen my hoodie?" "Nooooo..." "You're wearing it, aren't you?"

"You're freezing, Jesus!"

“Stop moving and let me braid your hair"

"Kiss me or i'll cry."

“You can sit on my lap until I'm done working"

“Is that my shirt?”

“I’m not going to stop poking you until you give me some attention.”

“Cuddles? Please?”

“You look beautiful,” “Oh shut up,”

“You know I have a soft spot for your stupid puppy dog eyes,”

“Are you insane?” “Yes,”

“I’m not drunk!”

“Not my kid, not my responsibility.” “It’s a dog!” “No, it’s your kid.”

“Oh my god, are you drunk?”

“You’re adorable.”

“You forgot your money? Oh, don’t worry, love. I’ll pay.”

“Look at those squishy cheeks and bright eyes! I love everything about you so much.” 

“You can’t keep wearing your ferret and calling it a scarf.”

“Crushing hard, huh?”

"You make me look like a garden gnome."

“God, I missed this.”

"Did you just take my muffin?" "Sharing is caring, baby!"

“What happened to your pillow?” “What are you talking about? You are my pillow.”

"Well at least your mom thinks you’re handsome."

“You really need a haircut.”

“I can explain.”

"I like that you make me laugh so much that my cheeks hurt."

"You are being extra sweet today."

"It's cold in here! Can you warm me up please dear?"

• ° • ° • °• ° • ° • °• ° • ° • °• ° • ° • °• ° • ° • °• °

angst dialogue

“are you ashamed of me?”

“don’t raise your fucking voice at me.”

“You’ll always be a friend.”

“It’s pouring rain, why are you here?”

“You’re choosing her over me?” “Why does it sound like you’re saying goodbye?” 

“Please don’t make me choose.”

“Don’t tell me to calm down!”

“You are so naive.”

“Please don’t make me choose.”

"For what it's worth, I never gave up on you."

“All I wanted was a happy ending.”

“I would give up everything for the chance to hear your laugh again. To see you smile. To see you happy."

“Don’t look at me like that.” “Like what?" “Like you still love me.”

“Do you think I care?”

“I wish we never met in the first place.”

“Do you ever listen to what I say?”

“Leave. Right now.”

“I am hurting too. Did that ever occur to you?”

• ° • ° • °• ° • ° • °• ° • ° • °• ° • ° • °• ° • ° • °• °

smut dialogue {18+}

“Focus only on me.”

“You’re naked aren’t you”

“Don’t fucking touch what is not yours”

“Strip. Now”

“Bite me” ”If you insist”

“Get on your hands and knees, right now” “Take off your clothes for me.”

"I dare you to fuck ____."

“Turn around for me.”

"I want you to touch yourself."

"Behave."

"This feels dirty..." "Because it is."

"Bed. Now."

"Let me give you a reason to stay in bed"

"Don’t forget who you belong to."

"No panties?"

" Haha, You're so cute when you're nervous ."

" I'm literally holding back from ripping that dress off your body "

" Time for your punishment , kitty "

“take off your shirt.”

“i missed you.” “how much?”

" Do it slowly..."

“fuck it, i can’t even pretend like i don’t want you anymore.”

“kiss me, kiss me again.”

“don’t leave any marks.”

“Does this feel good?” “Like I’d tell you if it did. Your ego is far too big already.” “Know what else is big?” “Your forehead?” “Damn. Low blow.”

“You’re smart.” “Do you want me to do your homework, or let you fuck me? Because no to both.” “I can’t complement you just because?” “No.” “Hm. Well you were right. Wanna fuck?” “No!”

“i need you.”

“such a slut” “only for you”

“shut up.” ‘well why dont you come over here and make me?’

“mine” ‘say it again’

“you look so good with my hand around your neck”

“[name]—” “Ah, ah, ah…” “S-sorry… [title - mommy, daddy, master, mistress, etc.]…”

“We can’t just fuck on the side of the road!” “Can’t we?”

“You don’t want me? Why are you soaking through your panties, then?”

“We can’t do that here!”

“I forgot my towel”

Feel like another round?

“We’ve been at it like rabbits and you’re still horny”

“Please remind me why we’re having sex behind a tree”

“Guess I’ll have to cum inside you then”

“really? right here? you know people are going to see us...”

“be quiet, you wouldn’t want all your friends hearing us right?”

“bad girls get punished y/n”

“Focus only on me.”

“if you beg, you can cum.”

• ° • ° • °• ° • ° • °• ° • ° • °• ° • ° • °• ° • ° • °• °

dark dialogue {18+}

{will be added soon!!!}

#R.L.W PROMPT LIST #thank you to all the tumblr blogs i gathered my prompts from :))

[jennrypan]

I rewrote the part where Scourge and Sonic have that "Just like me convo" so it can fit my au of them.

____________________

Fiona cheating on him with his anti didnt make Sonic angry..

Fiona actively lying to him didnt piss him off, maybe annoyed him..but it didnt piss him off.

What did piss him off however was how she antagonized Amy and Tails, and how she seemed to preen at the slightest attention Scourge gave her..because she wanted someone to protect her..someone to care about her, he didnt know..and what set him off was how she slapped Tails away, mocked him for crying and all to impress his anti! 

"What the hell Fiona!?" 

Sonic snapped, though this just caused the vixen to roll her eyes before she looked at him..god her attitude was grating his nerves,

"What?" She mused as if she didnt just slap his best friend for no reason,

That ..that made him scowl, and without warning he moved- he wanted to actually..throw her, her attitude annoyed him, her disregard for his friends pissed him off- he hadnt accounted for Scourge actually protecting her, as when he moved..so did the green hedgehog and before he could touch Fiona a fist crushed into his cheek causing him to let out a sharp grunt and lose his footing for a brief minute, instantly turning his attention towards Scourge..he still had that same sleazy smile..taunting. 

"Bad move, blue." 

Scourge drawled out, and Sonic just clicked his tongue watching as Scourge slowly paced around him..hes been itching to fight him for who knows how long..that much Sonic knew, but Sonic just hummed,

"Oh so you can help other people besides yourself, I was beginning to worry you had no redeeming qualities!" He stated sounding visibly amused, 

Scourge just scoffed lowly, "Please, thats not a redeemin quality, raise your standards." He sneered, and without warning he ran forward..and the fight began.

Amy had since charged at Fiona but Sonic could barely focus on that as Scourge kept matching him blow for blow..only thing was Scourge was a lot more violent..a lot more aggressive.

It wasnt everyday Sonic worked up a sweat fighting an opponent as not many people matched his speed..Shadow and Metal were the only ones..now Scourge had been added to that list of people that seem to want to kill him for no reason.

"Jeez its hard to believe someone so bitter could be me, like damn dude, did your favorite jacket get discontinued?" 

Even during this fight Sonic didnt stop being taunting, as he landed on top of a rock- narrowly avoiding being kicked into a tree, watching as Scourge turned towards him, his eyes were surprisingly still shielded by his shades but Sonic could still feel him glaring at him, 

Scourge moved again and this time he successfully swiped Sonics legs from underneath him and when Sonic fell the blue hedgehog instinctively moved to the side as Scourges fist came crashing into the floor were his head had previously been,

"Lets see you keep makin jokes when I break your fuckin legs." Scourge hissed- despite his words he sounded delighted by the thought, pleased with the thought of hurting him and hes use to this from Shadow and Metal, they were both assholes who worked with Eggman on their worst days and they just genuinely didnt like him that much but Scourge? Theyve only met three times before this and he didnt remember antagonizing the male enough to make him want to hurt him that much-

Scourge charged forward once more and Sonic quickly moved to the side, arm pulling back before he crashed his fist into the side of Scourges face as he had done to him earlier..knocking the shades from his face which caused his anti to pause briefly, glancing down at the shades for a millisecond as they landed on the floor, cracked and lopsided.

That millisecond was soon forgotten as Scourge retaliated..his body moved lower and his leg rose before he kicked Sonic straight in the chest causing the male to grunt, stumbling back at the force but the kick wasnt enough as Scourge had soon punched him in the stomach,

"God- I still got a few more jokes- first, those shades were lame anyways- not a joke but a fact!" 

Sonic stated quickly, jumping out of the way from Scourge once more as the male just growled,

"Im not takin shit from someone who thinks 'Way past cool' is a thing people actually say!" Scourge retorted, 

"Hey people said it before!" 

"No ones ever said that shit before!" 

It went on like this for what seemed like a few minutes with both of them arguing with each other, Sonic just wanted to see exactly why Scourge was going out of his way to hurt him- even trying to actually break his leg if he was given the chance..the rage was so weird..he knew antis were different but he didnt expect his anti to be so..angry,  so violent- his anti seemed more like a very verbal Shadow with the way he kept attacking him, 

"Ya know being an asshole isnt as rewarding as ya think it is right?" 

Sonic questioned- grunting when he got into a tree, thankfully avoiding Amy as she chased Fiona around still, she had tried to help but Fiona kept distracting her.

"Pfft, its more rewardin than wastin my time saving a buncha useless dicks who dont deserve it!" Scourge replied, sounding amused by the sheer thought of saving someone else...Sonic couldnt imagine not wanting to save people..yeah sometimes he thought some people didnt deserve it but still, 

"Youre still a Sonic! Still me- you should want to at least try and help people!"

"Why? Cuz thats what you do?" 

Scourge just laughed and without warning he moved forward..punched him in the stomach, then his chest- he didnt wait for a retaliation as he kicked him into a tree, he found with the purpose to bruise and scar while Sonic fought to distance and distract-

His head spun for a split moment, the wind knocked out of him, 

"You dont get it! Rulin people with fear and hate, is soo much better than tryna be some glorified saint!" 

Scourge stated, his eyes were blazing..the rage was back..he looked nothing like him right now..something was off, Sonic didn't like how unhinged he was,  how cruel- 

"That isnt true, and it never will be."

Sonic declared and Scourge just sneered at him, laughing, fist pulling back as Sonic quickly moved from his spot, his knuckles slammed into bark instead of Sonics nose,

"When you finally realize not everyone deserves to be saved, when you see how much more freein it is to be above people than to depend on them- you'll be like me, all it takes is one bad day, one bad situation and you'll see that." Scourge hummed out, side stepping as Sonic went to kick him, only to have his leg grabbed and he was forcefully thrown down, causing him to grunt lowly, and without warning Scourge stepped on his chest, Sonic could only stare at him for a brief moment before he just grinned- 

"Thats where your wrong dude, a bad day doesnt just make someone a villain..but a good day? A good day could change a lot, all it takes is someone showing you an ounce of kindness, someone showin you the love you never got and you'll be like me, a good person..maybe even a hero." He stated, grinning.

He expected another mocking laugh instantly, expecting Scourges foot to press down but for a brief minute..the green hedgehog paused, eyes widening ever so slightly, and for that minute Sonic was sure he got to him..he knew deep down Scourge wasnt evil, he could just show him he didnt have to be like this, he could help him..he didnt know anything about his anti besides the fact something was severely wrong with his mental state and he took too much enjoyment in hurting him but he knew he wasnt evil.

Then.. the green hedgehog just smiled, his expression hardening as if it hadnt changed in the first place, 

"How naive." 

He sneered and that slowly shattered Sonics hopes of getting through to him..he just dismissed his words-

"Not naive..hopeful." Sonic retorted, moving his arm to grab his ankle but his foot had moved towards his neck and Sonic jolted- the malice in his eyes was so..floundering..he could never imagine that look on his own face.

"Same thing." Scourge stated dismissively, and Sonic didnt get the chance to reply as a blur of yellow and brown crashed into Scourge, pushing the older teen to the ground successfully allowing Sonic to sit up instantly,

"Get away from him you bully!" Tails screamed, Sonic heard Scourge cursing and soon Tails was thrown back, causing Sonic to quickly move to catch him.

"Thanks bud." Sonic murmured, staring at Scourge who just fixed his jacket- appearing inconvenienced as Fiona neatly landing besides him as Amy ran up next to Sonic, "Stop running you coward!" The pink hedgehog hissed, Scourge just plucked out a warp ring from his jacket, just smiling at Sonic.. His smile was so..mean looking, it was too sharp..too fake,

"Til next time blue."  

Was all Scourge said in a sing song like voice as he let Fiona into the portal first and he followed quickly after just as Amy chucked her hammer in their direction, who she was aiming at specifically he had no clue.

"Dammit! Stupid! Assholes, ugh!" Amy screamed, storming over to snatch her hammer up,

"Theyre such bullies! Why did I even like her!" Tails exclaimed, Sonic just frowned before he sighed quietly, glancing from Amy to Tails. 

"Lets just go, theyre gone now, might as well enjoy the peace." He stated with a simple shrug, giving them a small smile, the smile made Amy visibly melt while it comforted Tails slightly, the young pink hedgehog was at his side instantly, clutching his arm- which he allowed for the time being while Tails was a little slower to approach him, still dejected.

He knew his anti despised him but he'll never get the reason why, and unfortunately..Scourge was too far gone to talk down from whatever path he was taking..the friendly route was no longer an option.

#j.p writes #sonic one shot #sonic au #sonic the hedgehog #scourge the hedgehog #tails the fox #amy rose #sonamy if you squint #archie comies #archie sonic #not shippy. cuz no #scourge get therapy challenge #sonic rewrite

[ablackfangirlwrites]

A/n: A new chapter for those of you who were waiting for this! I hope you enjoy it 💕🖤💕 again tagging @ayocee because you were a big help in making this love u boo😘

Part 1

Part 2

“You are too damn cute,” Daichi said breathlessly as he kissed you against the library bookshelf.

You couldn’t help but giggle, “Daichi- you’re going to get u-us in trouble.” You said inbetween his kisses, But he didn’t seem to care as he pushed up closer against you and deepened the kiss. 

That’s how the last few days had been. You had been wrapped in everything that was Daichi. And you had been enjoying every second of it. 

How did you get so lucky? Was all you could wonder. First, a random guy who is insanely hot pops up into your life and returned your precious wallet; And on top of that, he was interested in you!

And it’s been since that day you the two of you had been meeting up. 

You had been right. You did have a few classes with him. And when you saw him the next day he offered to sit next to you and walk you to your next class. To which you happily agreed.

And after a few walks around campus and late-night texting sessions, you found yourself really enjoying his company. Hints the reason why you were making out during one of your study sessions in the library 

So needless to say the two of you really really did hit it off. 

And things really had been blissful with Daichi. He really was all the things you had thought he was, handsome, charming, funny, caring. He was literally everything you wanted in a guy. 

Except there was one problem…

He wasn’t so keen on being in a relationship. 

“I just got out of a relationship Y/n…” He told you the first time you brought up being his girlfriend and making things official.

“But I do like you a lot so I can definitely see myself with you if we keep this up, ” And looking into his beautiful brown eyes you believed him. And you had hope that there was a passionate relationship in the future for you two.

“But doesn’t that upset you? It’s been like a month since you started talking. What do you wanna do? Are you going to keep seeing him? ” Your friend asked you once they knew you and Daichi had been seeing each other for a few weeks. And nothing had been declared official yet. 

“I don’t know...I mean I get why he doesn’t want to rush into anything, but I believe if I give him a little time we’ll be together...He’s a good guy.” You told her confidently. If anything you were trying to convince yourself. Maybe it was because of all those bad relationships of your past you were doubtful. "He just got out of a relationship he just needs time."

Daichi was different. He had to be. He was nice..he’s a good guy.

Her only response was a sigh, “Alright I trust your judgment. But even nice guys can have a bad side.” 

Once again you found yourself just hoping you were right. 

Things kept getting more intense with Daichi. Which was good and bad; Bad because even after seeing each other for over 3 months he still didn’t want to make it official and good because even though that was the case you still couldn’t get enough of him, he was just so good to you. He always listened to you. He was was making sure you were comfortable with him. He was literally perfect.

But you weren’t so stupid and naive, and again it might have been because of all the other times you had been used. That you had made a deal with Daichi. No sex until you were official.

The only problem with that was Daichi seemed okay with it. Make out sessions and dry humping was working for him. And he respected your boundaries, And it annoyed you to no end because the whole reason you said that was to encourage him. But that didn’t work.

There was one other issue too...His friends.

You weren’t sure if they like you or not. It wasn’t that they were mean to you either. If anything they were indifferent. Daichi talked about them all the time, making them sound fun and lively. And when you met them they all seemed great, but whenever you were around you couldn’t help but get the feeling they were all having a conversation about you behind your back. It made yoi feel uneasy. But you pushed it too the back of your mind.

“You really falling for all that? His one friend Kuroo asked you one day. After Daichi had left to do something, leaving you with his friends. Out of all of Daichi's friends he was the one that you were sure you didn’t like. As far as you were concerned Kuroo was a nerd and who was annoying and he seemed to always have something snarky to say whenever he saw you with Daichi. 

“What jealous? You can't be as charming as him?” You quipped back at him.

Kuroo snorted with an eyeroll, “Sure.”

Annoyed with his attitude you spoke up again, "Whats you deal anyway? Aren't you supposed to be his friend? Or do you just not like us together?"

Kuroo signed closings his notebook and packing up his things where he was studying, “I’m just watching this one play out. It’s a shame tho you seem nice.” He was so condensing. It was always something vague with him.  But you just roll your eyes and continue about your way, not giving his words much thought.

Having no idea what his words really meant. 

But all good things must come to an end. 

It was a random day when you saw Daichi. He had been texting you as normal all-day. And everything seemed fine. You guys even planned on seeing each other later that night to study.

But then you saw him as you were heading back to your dorm.

That itself wouldn’t have been a problem if not for the fact he told you he was still had work to do in one of his classes, and the fact you saw him with someone else. And not just anyone. Another girl.

And again that wouldn't have been a problem either if not for the fact he had his hands wrapped around her, and she him as the two of them stood there kissing in broad daylight. Not caring who saw them. Which was very different from anytime you were with him. It wasn’t like he was keeping you a secret he took you around his friends after all...but now that you were really thinking about it you never been with him kissing outside in the middle of the campus who was she?

They stopped kissing and stood there talking for a bit smiling and staring into each other eyes, just like you usually do with him and you felt the sting in your heart. You almost felt bad for just standing there watching them. Like you were invading their privacy, but they were out in public…

You wanted an answer.

You don’t know where you got the courage from but you didn’t want to be a bystander in this. So you went up to them. Praying that she wasn’t anyone serious to him. That maybe she was like you and they hadn’t been made official and you still had a chance. You still wanted hope that you and Daichi could be together. 

“Hey, Daichi!” You said in a voice that was way too high.

Daichi seemed to freeze for a moment when he saw you, “oh-Y/n...Hey..er- how have you been?” 

He really was acting like the two of you hadn’t been texting just a few hours ago. And you felt your heart sinking.

“I’ve been fine, Daichi…” You started to trail off

But the girl spoke up, “Who’s this Di?” 

He cleared his voice, “Um a girl I study with sometimes."

You couldn't believe it, Daichi didnt even have the decency to tell her your name.

Daichi seemed to pick up how that made you feel so clearing his voice he spoke up, "Y/n.."

But the girl looked at him expecting him to say more which he also picked up on, " Annnd Y/n- this my girlfriend (girls name)” He answered avoided your gaze.

You didn’t know what hurt the most that he couldn’t look at you, or that he was in a relationship when he had been leading you on all this time.

But not wanting to embarrass yourself in front of him anymore. You faked a smile, “Yeah, ummm...I-I was just asking if you had any trouble- with that problem number 4 on the test today?”  You asked him out of the blue.

Daichi seemed to sigh with relief that you weren’t making a scene, “Yeah, I did actually. But I’m sorta busy right now but we can go over it later alright?” 

You were so hurt, and you were trying not to cry, “Don’t bother...I'll figure it out” You told him before walking away.

This was a nightmare! You felt betrayed! How could he? The events of the last few minutes replayed in your head. A girlfriend? No wonder he didnt want to be in a relationship with you, he was already in one! You wished so hard that it wasnt true. That he would run after you and tell you it was a joke. That you were the one he wanted. That the last few months with him weren't a lie.

But that wasn't going to happen.

You got far enough to where you were sure they couldn’t see you before you let your emotions flow....He had a girlfriend you repeated in your head over and over again. You felt so used, and stupid. This was far worst than the other guys, Because you actually believed he was different; that he was your Mr. Perfect. 

But you were so wrong.

“Oof that was awkward,” You heard someone say besides you, you quickly tried to wipe away the tears on your face. Only to look to see it was Kuroo. Great, of course, it was him out of all people you thought.

“I bet you’re really enjoying this,” You said trying your best to sound tough as you fiddled with your clothes and tired to make yourself look like you werent crying.

But kuroo wasnt so cruel to tease you while you were clearly upset, and he knew the reason why, “Y/n, I’m sorry-” He tried to tell you but you werent listening.

"I dont need you pity kuroo," You said rolling your eyes and leaving.

 You didn’t have time to deal with another jerk. You thought you were done with them. Daichi was supposed to be a good guy. The one you could trust. The person that was going to make your life better. 

But from what you just went through and that hollow feeling in your chest, you knew how wrong you were.

#daichi x y/n #daichi sawamura x reader #f.boy daichi sawamura #daichi sawamura #haikyuu daichi #daichi scenario #haikyuu daichi x you #haikyuu daichi x reader #daichi x you #daichi x reader #daichi sawamura x you

[moonvains]

How would you feel about writing a Nagito x fem!Reader where he has Hanahaki over her? I’d prefer angst with a happy ending but that’s up to you

Nagito x Fem! Reader - Hanahaki Disease

‘How would you feel about writing a Nagito x fem!reader where he has Hanahaki over her? I’d prefer angst with a happy ending but thats up to you’

Hello Anon !! I absolutely love this request, I feel like theres so much I can do with it y’know? I added my own twist that is very, very angsty, and made me cry once or twice. but hopefully, this happy ending will work in some ways - Mod Mikan

Italics = Flashbacks/Past

Standard = Present Tense

TW for accidental overdose scene and seizures

TW for emetophobia, goes without saying since I’m writing a hanahaki plot!

-----

It started with the hiccups, small breathy hitches in his chest, that felt like collapsed buildings and porcelain shards, it stung his throat. Nagito, most very naive, thought almost nothing of it at first. That changed, when he sat heaving and coughing over the fancy porcelain toilet at hopes peak.

As he sat there on his knees, sweat dripping from his head, a pain in his cheek and sticky palms wiped onto his dress pants, he cursed himself with his luck.

It could be worse, just a stomach bug, my luck has obviously changed..

That is what he thought, or maybe wanted to think. A thought deeply embedded into his frail mind every time there is a mild convenience burdening his way. Its just my luck.

Though, as he looked up, green eyes glossing over what would usually be a nasty sight of a quick snack.

Nagito saw flowers, ethereal, magenta roses, dainty petunias and elegant dandelions, floating in the water below him, almost as if they were dancing.

Once again, his breath hitched, though he wasn’t sure if it was from whatever this was. This wasn’t his luck, this wasn’t despair, this wasn’t hope. This was plain, lonely, one sided symptoms of something so delicate, something so sad.

Nagito met you on a summer day, a cool breeze blowing, his hair stuck to his lips like glue. Ultimate luck he guessed. The rest wasn’t important, it was forgotten, and it was irrelevant and it was stupid.

stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid

Nagito was stupid from the moment he ran into you, from the moment he brushed his lips against yours, and from the moment he looked into your eyes. he was stupid.

Stupid to think he, a disappointment, a burden, would ever be graced with something as angelic, gentle and kindhearted as you. He was right, he was really stupid.

It all made sense after you were taken away. The words still rang in his head, quite frequently

Nagito yawned, for a day where he had almost nothing to do, he was quite sleepy. He sat in class 1-A, it was Friday “study” period for class 77-B. Usually you would sit next to him or sleep on his shoulder, or maybe play video games with Chiaki. Though this time you were sick with a bad case of the flu, and he was bored shitless. He blew his hair off his face, only to watch it float back down, then he’d blow it up again.

This went on for about 15 minutes until he got a call, he wishes he didn’t get it, though knows if he didn’t pick up, it would’ve been worse.

“Nagito.. I think I messed up”, your words were slurred, hiccuping and teary.

He knew immediately something bad had happened, he would tell in the way his stomach dropped, and the uneasy anxiousness took over his body.

“Can you please come back to my house, its only me here, I need help”.

Nagito didn’t have to think twice, he ran to your house in a sprint. he didn’t know what was going on, nor what had taken place. Though with the urgency in your house, and the way you sounded off the edge of reality, he knew it was bad.

He didn’t think it would be this bad, he didn’t think it would be his fault, But it was, thats how luck works.

He walked into your house, door unlocked, the air smelt musty and there was silence apart from a dripping tap and muffled crying, it’s not hard to guess which one he went running too.

He ran into the living room to find you on the floor in a ball, your lips were blue, skin pale and eyes wider than they’d ever been before.

“Please just help me”, you sobbed. “I didn’t mean to do this”

Nagito clenched his fists while he sat, flashbacks of what happened circled through his mind. the bathroom floor was cold but his hands felt hot. He didn’t want to admit it, but this was a long time coming.

Hanahaki disease, one sided love huh? I guess it is one sided to love someone nonexistent. What hurt the most is that there was no recovering, the cure stems from the love being returned. There is no love from six feet underground, only worms, maggots and empty promises.

Eyes clenched shut, Nagito held your hair back as you expelled whatever was left in your stomach, he hated that you were in pain, there was yet to be an explanation of what was happening. Walking in only to find his lover sprawled out of the floor, crying slurred nothings before vomiting all over the carpet.

“I..I”

“Speak slowly my love, whats happened?’

“I took a handful of those herbal flu pills you left out on the counter this morning, I figured because they were plant based ”

Thats right, Nagito thought, he left his medication on the counter this morning after staying the night.

his medication on the counter

not herbal pills

a handful of Prozac 50mg capsules

he felt his heart stop

his mind searched for the side affect panel on the pamphlet when he first started taking them

strange dreams, dry mouth, decreased appetite

he remembered the second page

signs of overdose:

dilated pupils, seizures, nausea and vomiting, respiratory issues, fast heart rate and oh my god what the fuck have I done

Mind racing, hands trembling, Nagito held you close, there wasn’t time to explain, thats it, there wasn't time. His hands fumbled for his phone, holding sobs back listening to the operator instruct him to position your barely conscious body into a position seizure friendly.

Cries and mumbled words of “what have i done” escaped from his mouth as he laid you on your side, his school bag under your head and floor cleared from anything potentially dangerous. He sat there, on the floor, holding his chest sobbing, waiting for the ambulance

(Authors note ! DONT use this as a guide to help someone having a seizure or overdose, this is simply from some googling and own personal experiences, if you suspect someone you know is in danger, get a trsuted adult or medical professional)

Luck is a tricky thing, bad luck, good luck, there is a spectrum. Usually someone lives out their life on a scaled ratio of luck, some have unfortunate luck, some have spectacular luck. Though there are the unfortunate few that lie on the sidelines. Their luck a forceful rollercoaster of up and downs, tragedies and utter miracles.

The past couple of months in Nagitos life was a tragedy, who knew the dip of the rollercoaster could cost him so very much of what made him whole.  

As he sat there, the cold tile floor providing comfort for his aching palms, he remembered the paramedics, pathetically inserting a needle in your arm and calling it a day.

“We couldn’t save her, our deepest apologies”

He was angry, he knew you were gone from the moment your eyes rolled back and you lost control of your muscles, he could only sit there and scream.

But if they tried? At least do you decency? Not just act like you were another statistic is their salary, a teenager making a stupid decision.

Your parents were called, the room cleaned, and you were gone, that was it. The relationship you and Nagito held for two years crumbled. gone, as simple as that.

The white haired boy turned up to school the next day, face hollowed out with utter despair, eyes puffy and hair matted. He simply couldn’t deal with being alone, god knows what would’ve happened.

He reluctantly walked into homeroom, Miss Yukizome stationed at her desk with her almost programmed smile “Goodmorning Komaeda! I’m so glad youre joining us for another wonderful day!”

Another wonderful day? Another wonderful day watching the love of your life dying on her living room floor, loosing all control of her body and all you can do is sit there and tell her you love her, praying to all gods above she can hear it? Or Another wonderful day of crying and screaming yourself to sleep? ripping and smashing all the memories you have together in a pile because thats better than sleeping in a comfortable bed knowing she is on a plate of steel in the morgue?

Nagito kept his thoughts to himself, god knows he would probably get sent to a psychiatry institution if he spoke what was really on his mind.

With that, he sat down, eyes at the blank blackboard, fingers tapping at his desk, holding back tears that were already cried.

“Komaeda, you look like you’ve seen a ghost!” Teruteru exclaimed as he entered the classroom

“I wish I had”

He put his head on his desk, talking he couldn’t make out among his classmates filled his ears, he wanted quiet, ‘I wonder if she got quiet?’

Was there an afterlife? Or just a void of empty words and unfinished business. he wouldn’t know unless he experiences it himself, sooner or later.

“Okay class, try and get in some work today okay! I know you can do it” Miss Yukizome sung.

“Komaeda, can you get out of y/n’s seat, she should be coming in soon, hm?”

He didn’t even realise he was sitting in her seat, he was used to sitting at her desk with her, helping her with her work, playing with her hair and just enjoying the company of each other.

“No”, Nagito replied, fast and cold. It was strange for him to act this way, sure, he had a very valid excuse. Though it was unknown territory for the rest of the class.

“Oh no, has she still got that nasty flu? I hope you don’t catch it my dear boy”.

“No”, again, the same, the class had quieted down, he was usually so cheery, so full of hope and adoration for every single one of them.

“Well send my love to her, It’ll be great to see her again when I can” She smiled, completely oblivious.

“You can, the 18th, its an open casket’, Nagito grinned at her, a grin of something so far away from happiness, it reminded Yukizome of a clown, so creepy, yet so theoretically happy.

Everyones faces dropped

Nagito got up from the bathroom floor, this had happened weeks ago, but felt like minutes ago. He waited, and eventually, it stopped.

He walked back to class, the heels of his shoes tapping the hardwood floor of the hall leading up to his classroom. he entered solemnly, like he has every day since then.

Everyones faces dropped

Yet again.

Nagito knew what they were staring at, he didn’t want to address it, but he knew.

On his cheek grew a rose, sprouting at the top of his lip to the bottom of his cheekbone. For such a tragic disease, it was quite beautiful.

For such a tragic event, it felt so beautiful

God okay this was sad and a bit quick, I really did try to do a happy ending, though sometimes, for stories like this, I think it is a little to cliché, Stay safe everyone ! I hope you like this <3

#danganronpa #dr1 #imagines #sdr2 #whump #anime #nagito #nagito komaeda #komaeda #nagito imagines #danganronpa 2 #super danganronpa goodbye despair #goodbye despair #hanahaki disease #hanahaki

[teddy-feathers]

In better news theres at least one decently priced apartment complex here thats 11 mins away - west whereas my parents house is approx 15 mins east - of work. And by decently priced I mean I think I could afford it by myself the one room or studio if they have it. So. Just need to save money till ive got enough for some basic furniture, at least two months rent, untilites, and other bills. And then... I just have to figure out how to discuss moving out with dad. Or maybe I'll just keep saving until i can't stand it any ... Hes throwing a tantrum about the milk going bad because we bought a gallon instead of a half gallon last time. He throws a fucking tantrum every time he gets irritated about every little thing. And every time he does, every time he fucking raises his voice I want to either cry or get bitchy back and sound just like him. Stop just stop talking to us that way. Youre a fucking 50 year old man and you can control YOU god blessed tone and temper for ONCE in my fucking life because I dont want to fucking here that tone anymore when YOU address US. YOU are a part of a fucking FAMILY not a dictatorship and you will by god act like it because regardless of what you or anyone else in the fucking hyde side of the family thinks YOUR fucking behavior is out of line, unacceptable, and I do not have to fucking tolorate it and I am reaching the fucking point where I WONT any long and THAT is not disrespectful THAT is refusing to put uo with being disrespected and if you dont like it cant accept or understand fine i will fucking leave because i will not here one word - one fucking word do you understand me - of you talking down to me and explaining how I have to sit here and take it when I get the LEAST bit upset about fuck all and Im "WRONG" HAVE I MADE MY FUCKING SELF CLEAR DADDY??? DO YOU UNDERSTAND BECAUSE I WILL NOT FUCKING REPEAT MYSELF SO YOU BETTER GET IT THROUGH YOUR GOD BLESSED HEAD NOW. ... I'm going to turn into him and i hate him but he's not a bad guy and not unreasonable i just am so tired of dealing with him and im so tired of being stressed and feeling stupid and wrong because i know people in my family will say hes been good and tolerant of my fuck ups and attitude problem and how I'm in the wrong and maybe some real world experiences will straighten me out But ive had real world experiences ive gone from being homeless to being in a shelter to getting a job to living on my own and yeah I had help from the government and the shelter but i did all of that on my own i got out in months and survived a year with minimal assistance and some of those people are STILL there struggling and trying to figure a way out of that shit situation so dont you tell me im the ignorant one that ive got my head up my ass that i dont understand and ill regret shit You know what I regret? I regret the time spent at that college in kerrville with my aunt. I regret blaming myself for running away from her instead of talking to her. I regret letting my family talk me into doing things I knew deep down I couldn't handle even if its not reasonable to not go to class when I like the class. I regret running away from my job which yeah in retrospet i hated but I had the job, had friends, and probably should have asked for help. I regret always running instead of asking for help. I regret that I don't know how to have a relationship with my family if I dont live with them because I never fucking talk on the phone. I regret being afraid to sound stupid or be wrong no matter the situation I regret that i cant talk to my family without losing my conviction that anything is wrong with this situation I regret that even though its not that bad id rather invalidate the fact that i personally cant stand it then just admit that it doesn't have to be a certain level of terrible for it to be okay to admit I cant. I regret that being selfish makes me feel guilty and that wanting to be independent is equated with running away from my problems and family. I regret that i feel the need to escape people i love. I regret that i balme my dad and aunt for more than their fair share of my problems And i also regret that I don't want to balme them at all. But I don't regret not going to school right now when I feel like im going to be sick just signing up for classes. And I don't regret doing entry level bs. And I don't regret fucking uo my future as much as I have because I dont think itll work itself out - I've just already accepted Ive fucked it up amd Ill have to deal with the consequences and ramifications of those actions later which - while that sucks - is honestly nothing new in my life. I dont regret that I'm too stupid or naive or whatever to make life easier on myself later because I'm too busy regreting how hard ive made life on myself right NOW by simply failing to accept that it doesnt matter right wrong or indifferent what will make life bearable now is what I need to go after not just doing the same old failed formula for success I think i should be doing or what's expected of me. It doesnt matter that its cheaper better and more sociable to live with my family. It doesnt matter that I really shouldnt be so upset do constantly around my dad. What matters is Id feel better if I lived on my own. Ive always wanted that and it doesnt matter if its selfish what matters is i feel i need this so i should actively do this.

[lifeisaboxofcereal]

No clue who this is addressed to, nor what the purpose of this is/will be, but feeling exasperated that nothing helps me feel better, how about I give venting via writing a shot.

Here’s the deal. I’ve been involved with this guy for about 5+ years. Lets call him owl. Its the first thing I looked at in my apartment trying to come up with a code name instead of publishing this guys name who any of you reading most likely already know his name via any of my fb posts in the last 5 years. I met him my freshman year at UD. Ballroom dance team. To this day I dont even know if I can explain what drew me to him. He was cocky and confident, cheeky, and cute. He danced. He was a Marine. He seemed so out of my league as a dorky, naive, super awkward freshman that didn’t know anything about college culture. I learned quick that a few dates does not mean we’re dating, and that he was a man of many many ladies. I learned quick that he did not really take my feelings into consideration but I would put them aside and accept any interactions or affections that were given. We had a connection and I had fun with him. I just wanted to go with it.

I went with it for all four years of college. Always waiting for when he’d finally be ready to commit. Or see how much I do for him. How I’m always there, good times and bad.  Even when he really really pisses me off. Waiting for him to see that I was his best friend the way I saw that he was mine. Waiting for him to stop messing up with me, appreciate me, cherish me, want to show me off.

I’m gonna be honest, that never came. Not in college. I didnt date anyone else. I didnt get involved with anyone else more than a few months, and those involvements were usually the product of me and owl being in one of our phases where we were on the outs and he was not talking to me. but once we were good again sure enough I’d lose interest in whoever it was that I was entertaining in that time. I regret a lot of that. Not giving others real chances, because they actually deserved them and wanted them.

But with him it was always like a game, like a chase, never ending, suspenseful, thrilling, exciting, passionate, never a boring moment. Always keeping me guessing. I hated it but I loved it. He didn’t respect me, and he didnt respect my feelings, but still I stuck around. It’s only now that I’m seeing that I had slowly been losing respect for myself, so what incentive would he have for respecting me when I was being a hypocrite? Our dynamic was one of push and pull. There were the times he’d pull me in and never want to let me go, and then without warning he would push me away and leave me feeling abandoned and confused as to what I did to deserve it.

He hurt me a lot. Never physically. Never. Never forced himself on me, I never once was physically scared of him. But emotionally. Every year there was at least one incident. One big fight that seemed like the be all end all. That would leave me in my dorm crying with my roommate wondering how he could be so cold and harsh towards me after everything I’ve done and everything we’ve shared. Always wishing that he would miss me and realize everything and change. It was a clear cycle, and I’m not stupid, I was very cognizant of it, but idk, i liked it and i was still waiting. What I had with him was so different and special I couldnt let it, or him, go.

Last year, October, we had a big falling out. That was really the be all end all. I knew because, and as stupid as this is or sounds, in all of our fights we had never unfriended each other on facebook or done something as extreme or defining as that. We always left doors open. But with this, he burned all bridges. He made a facebook status about me. He wanted all of my things out of his place. He 100% snapped. It was over, he broke things off and our 4 years of being together but not really together, was over.

I spent the next 5 months in therapy and trying to keep busy with friends and classes and trying to find myself again. So much of my identity was dependent on him and associated with him. All of my memories included him. Even dance reminded me of him. I was so lost. And missed him so much but had motivation to work on myself and for once be comfortable and happy with being on my own. I remember one particular session with my therapist in which she told me that if I still have hope that we will reconcile one day, I need to completely let go of what we had. Put it to rest, let it go, mourn it, and leave it in the past, because there was too much to be fixed and too much wreckage to salvage anything. That if we were to ever reconcile it would have to be a completely clean slate. Free of the past transgressions. So that night I blocked him. I blocked his number, his facebook. his snapchat, everything. It was hard and scary but I did it in hopes that thats what I needed to do even if temporarily and symbolically leave our 4 years together in the past.

2 days later was Valentines day. I was supposed to go to a devils game with a friend and she cancelled last minute because she was sick. I reached out to everyone in my phone to try to find someone to go with me because I did not want to spend valentines day in bed thinking about him and missing him. Nobody could come to the game. I was offered a shift at work and almost took it but someone hopped on it before I could. So i was left with chinese food and netflix. I let myself cry and be upset, and feel the hurt remembering our past valentines days together. And then my mom came to my room and let me know that jake was coming to the house. shit i said his name. whatever. she let me know that he asked permission to come and clear the air, and that he would be there in 40 minutes.

He was there in 30, and we sat down, with my best friend as a third party, and we talked for 5 hours. About everything. Anything. All the grievances we had with each other. What we realized. What we regretted. And he told me that he loved me. That he needs me in his life, and said all of the things that I had waited 4 years for. I kept thinking about how right my therapist was, about letting go and letting them come to you, about starting fresh, about leaving the past in the past.

The months that followed were the epitome of a honeymoon phase. My god. we were finally doing things right. He was showing me off, appreciating me, never wanted to let me go, it was everything. I dont think I’ve ever been so happy. We were so in love with each other, so excited, couldn’t wait more than 2 weeks to visit each other again. We moved in together. We made an apartment a home together. We started new jobs and set goals. We motivated each other, supported each other, and wholeheartedly loved each other. I finally felt like I was in a functional and healthy relationship. I felt so loved every single day and I finally understood what people meant about that unbelievable feeling of being in love with someone who was just as in love with you. We did and learned so much together. We had setbacks, and tiffs here and there, but we worked through each one.

Theres a lot in between then and now, but I don’t think it’s worth getting into or explaining. All I can say is that I don’t know how we went from that, to this. Not speaking. Not looking at each other. An apartment that was once so full of love and laughter now only has silence and tension.

He has problems. And to be honest. I’ve always known that but never wanted to accept it. I have problems too because I am very compliant. The relationship became emotionally abusive. I am mentally abused. And he has left me hating myself when I dont even know who I am. I don’t regret staying with him. I don’t regret getting back with him last year. I dont regret anything. All i’ve done is love and give as much as I possibly can. Im not angry. More than anything, i’m disappointed.

I thought he was it. Actually. I know he is. If he were to get the help that he needed. But in a normal relationship, when there is an issue, you don’t feel that your partner becomes a completely different person. That’s not normal. And right now, I don’t know who he is. For the past 2 weeks I have been wishing I could just snap him out of it. Grab him by the shoulders and shake him. Show him a photo of us and see him come back to me. I have written heartfelt letter after heartfelt letter. Debating giving one to him in hopes of softening him up and coming out of this haze of anger and hatred hes in right now. But thats not normal. I shouldnt have to snap him out of anything. I shouldnt have to wish he’d come back. I shouldnt have to plead and beg for him to remember our good times to soften up. None of it is normal. He dissociates. And when i look at his eyes hes not there. I know this sounds dramatic but it’s true. It’s scary, it’s hurtful, it worries me, but it’s true. He completely detaches, and it’s as though he never knew me. As though we never shared a single experience together. And nothing I do can bring him out of that place. As I write this, I feel like I’m writing or remembering someone that died. And thats because essentially, that is how I feel. the man i spent the past year with loving and learning and GROWING died. He’s gone and I dont know why or where he is. And i’m left with this fraction of myself that doesn’t know how to cope with any of it.

He’s not good for me. Its not worth it. I deserve better. I’m going to be so much happier without him. These are all words that an infinite number of friends or loved ones can say to me but the fucked up part of all of it is that I don’t want better, I want him. I know that I will never be able to fully let him go. It’ll never be fully over. And i will always love him. I care about him more than I care about myself. Which is a big part of the problem.

I don’t know where to go from here. Or how to cope. I don’t know what to do. All i know is that I miss him with every fiber of my being. I can’t open my phone gallery because the last photos I took were with him and I can’t look at them. I made a new facebook to run away from it all. Nothing I do makes me feel better. Friends. Work. Gym. Margaritas. Movies. Its all a distraction from missing the person who made me smile ear to ear every morning, and exhale peacefully every night. Even now as I write this, hes walking around the apartment and its as though Im a ghost. He doesnt see me. Acknowledge me. Notice me. And while I used to see him and feel overwhelming love, I now just feel hated. Complete hatred. As though I ruined his life, when all I ever tried to do was make his life better.

So friends, that is my story. I don’t know how it’ll end but I can tell you for sure that I will never be able to hate him or be angry with him. And I will always love him. What comes next for me, I have no idea. I thought writing all of this out would maybe help me have some sort of epiphany but no epiphany came.Sometimes I wish I could have my mind wiped clean of all of this so I wouldnt have to deal with this pain. But I cant. So this is going to suck. For a long while. I’m going to be upset for a long while. I hope at the end of this I can find myself and be a version of myself that has value and pride. I want to be the Bren that loves herself, respects herself, values herself, and is proud of herself. The bren that marched on washington for womens rights in the world needs to march for her rights in her life. More than anything though, I hope he finds himself. I hope he does what he needs to do. I only ever wanted him to be happy. Even if it was at my expense.

[thenotoriousloaf-blog]

TW: self harm/suicide/depression a rant I needed to write

sometimes i feel empty. i feel as though i could drive my car into a tree and it wouldnt make a single bit of difference in the grand scheme of things. but i suppose that would be pretty complicated. No gaurentee of getting the job done, and if it wasnt, my car would then be totaled so like, no fun there. Slitting the wrists would be a theatrical way to do it, true to my habits and typical tendencies. Kind of messy clean up for everyone though, and I hate feeling like a burden. I wouldn't even really know what pill to buy to take enough of to really do the job, maybe a place where a little bit of research could be useful. I know this all sounds pretty dark and dampening, but its kind of interesting really. The thoughts that we possess that honestly possess us? Feeling so, so fucking inadequate. Feeling so fucking alone, and helpless to my own stupid fucking thoughts that continue to whirl through my head like a fucking tornado. No one possibly could understand what I'm thinking or why I'm thinking it, and honestly? Even if they could grasp how much I know I'm fucked up and how much I know its my own self destructive habits that put me here, would they even actually fucking care? I want so desperately to be happy, to stop ruining things that make me happy because of pointless fears or anxieties or fucking insecurities that wont mean shit in a few years. Holy that was a crazy run on sentence but I guess my grammar just isnt my top concern right now. Im sitting at my dads computer, crying, thinking of, or I guess trying to think of reasons not to slash my wrists open and let all of this fucking stop. Is it emptiness or envy that consumes me? How do you already have someone that you miss and fucking care about and how could you just stop caring about me so quickly. what could possibly make me so fucking worthless to throw away without thought or concern. Nah thats not fucking true. Im not gonna pretend to be a victim of foul play, although I do wonder what I never knew about. Did we last so long because we were actually in love or because I didnt want to be alone? Were we actually in love? How do I know when I dont love you anymore? I can fuck people and try to tell myself that Im doing fine but am I? I want to believe that Im turning into a better version of myself, who reads so much more because its so fucking nice to read. Who hikes more because it cleanses my fucking soul of all the hate and sadness that fills up most of the god damn planet. Who doesnt care about being overweight. even though all i can keep thinking is that was a huge reason everything fell apart. I look in the mirror and see a disgusting, fat, revolting sack of human shit who cant pull their head out of their ass long enough to realize how fucking simple it would be to just STOP FUCKING EATING. I just want to push everyone i fucking know away and get in my car and drive until i dont know anyone and no one fucking knows me and the waste of god damn space ive become. BUT ALL OF THIS ISNT FUCKING TRUE IS IT. Jesus I sound like a fucking edgelord. i just want to be fucking happy. i just want to not have to rely on others to feel good about me. WHOS FUCKING FAULT IS IT THAT I HATE MYSELF. blaming society makes me a pussy. blaming my dad makes me a fucking cliche. blaming him makes me a fucking idiot because he did his best with what i fucking am. blaming circumstance is naive. BUT i dont know who the fuck is left because blaming myself just isnt working and im sinking so fucking hard into this endless fucking pool of loathing and giving in and not knowing where the fuck to go next because at this point im fine but no im fucking not but i need to fucking be because this certainly isnt fucking working. i dont want to feel empty anymore. I dont want to think im fine and then see you with someone else and take two hundred steps back even though i know what we were isnt who i am but its all i god damn know and im so fucking scared to be where i dont know. as messy as my room is and as unorganized as my entire god damn being is, the fact that i cant control this is driving me fucking nuts. I just want to scream and cry and also not want to scream and cry, ya know? i just want to stop feeling. i want it all to stop fucking hurting. but if it stops hurting then the good stops too right? I just want to bare my soul to someone who actually gives a fuck and isnt looking for the next thing thats better because i dont want to apologize for being anxious. i dont want to apologize for needing to be loved. i dont want to fucking apologize for being sensitive because fuck sometimes people are sensitive. maybe i shouldnt have to feel bad for being sensitive maybe everyone needs to learn to express emotion without it being regarded as a sign of fucking weakness. I am not fucking weak but i feel like i am because im not okay. Im not fucking okay but i think that its okay. i dont want your pity. i dont want to be a fucking prayer on your list. I want to be seen as a fucking person with thoughts and feelings and features that arent being scrutinized every fucking second of the day. YEAH IM LOOKING AT YOU SELF. how do i stop thinking of myself as worthless when everyone fucking leaves. HOW DO I FIND HAPPINESS FOR MYSELF. how the fuck can i preach to everyone in my life that theyre so amazing and so fucking worthy of happiness and life when i cant even see that for myself? i just want to stop second guessing every single thing that i do, or say, fuck or even think. there are so many fucking sides and depths to how this feels and its mental fucking torture and its self inflicted but i must be a kinky fucker because i cant fucking stop myself. even when im fucking slitting my wrists because i feel like its what i deserve, in the fucking moment sitting there blood dripping onto the floor i wonder if im just some attention seeking piece of shit. all i tell myself is that if i can get skinny all of this will change. he wouldnt have left. but is that seriously the key to being happy? just get thin? Ill still be a fucked up anxious wreck no matter whats under my sweatshirt. which is the reason i have such a hard time going on. if i got thin, if i changed my style to be more fitting of societys norms, im still me. i still have my brain and it wont ever be enough. ill always see a fat girl in the mirror. ill always think that the people im with wish they were with someone better. im honestly out of things to say. im out of things to hope for. im out of reasons to not just end the fucking pain and the wondering. i have no answers to all the things i want to know. i cant understand my own self so how in the blue fuck could anyone else? the people ive been surrounded by have done all they can and all they should be expected to do. none of them should be held accountable for some crazy fucking nutcase who will never be satisfied with what they are and need validation of their worth. who the fuck would want to be around someone like that. no one.

#trigger warning #suicide #depression #self portrait #sorry for the rant #better to say it #then do it #coping techniques