#the aces in poly relationships. the aces that are exclusive with an allo partner | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aroaceconfessions · 3 years

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Ok, so polyamory is great actually. Being poly is awesome and you don't need to be or not be aro and/or ace to be poly. (You do you and be heckin proud of it, and I do not judge you for it in the slightest given the case that you are not poly though.)

See, polyamory is consensual nonmonogamy only, which means having multiple (whether romantic or queerplatonic or yes even recurring sexual) partners at the same time. It is something that everyone involved has to consent to, agree and be okay with and it is not synonymous with open relationships at all.

As in, it's not something exclusive either. Because people can choose to have those, too, within the context of a poly relationship. But that's an entirely separate conversation that needs to be had with everyone you are personally involved with to not be, y'know, cheating and a horrible betrayal of trust.

A few bad experiences and awful people in your life talking about polyamory when they seem to not even get the definition do not define the norm, actually, there is no norm. No two relationships are alike, Cishets-Allos™ are just awful at this, actually, and there's no need to blame polyamory for the issue when it's as much queering hetero-amatonormativity as anything else.

Sincerely, a sex-repulsed quirro ace who has a closed polyamorous relationship with my three queerplatonic partners who I love very much, whatever form that might take, and is honestly kinda a bit done with the slander. (In case this information is relevant somehow? No, we do not have sex, because three of us have no desire to and the fourth is perfectly willing to respect those boundaries. Shocker.)

#polyamory #polyamorous #aromantic #asexual #aroace #dating #relationships #sex repulsed #quiromantic #queer platonic partner #queer platonic relationship #qpp #qpr #squish #friends #friendship

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hazel2468 · 6 years

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Okay, I know that I’ve addressed this before, But I’ve seen some shit being said and I think that I need to say this again. Asexual people, aromantic people, bisexual people, pansexual people, and polysexual people DO NOT HAVE STRAIGHT PRIVILEGE. I see it so often- someone saying “Well, you have straight privilege” to someone who is ace, or someone who is bi/pan/poly. “You can pass as straight/ you are straight!” I’ve gotten this myself, quite a bit. “Well, your partner is trans, so you’re really straight” or “Your partner presents as male, so you’re accessing straight privilege!” and like okay, first of all, she’s my girlfriend, no matter how she presents she is a girl and we are not straight. Second of all, I do not have access to straight privilege. And it really fucking bugs me when I see, say, lesbians or gay ppl telling ace or bi (or any non-monosexual person, really) that they have access to straight privilege because they do not get to define that. The only people who can decide who is part of the group that accesses straight privilege is, you guessed it, straight folks. And for the purpose of this, I am going use “straight folks” to mean people who are heterosexual, cisgender, and not ace/aro (if there is a term for that, please let me know, I used to use allo but someone told me not so so I am avoiding that). When an ace person reveals that they are ace- whether they are attracted to strictly the opposite gender, whether they are cis or not, straight folks are not going to see them as straight. They will see them as ace. When I, for example, out myself as queer/pansexual, EVEN IF I AM DATING A MAN, straight folks will not see me as straight. They see me as queer/pansexual. When my girlfriend tells people her name or outs herself as trans, even if she is presenting masculine, straight folks do not see her as straight (even if they go the transphobic route and see her as a man), they see her as trans and queer. When I see other members of the LGBTQ+ community assigning straight privilege to other people in the community, and especially to ace/aro people, it’s fucking awful. Because we, as queer people, do not get to decide who gets in with the straight folks or not. No matter how many times you tell an asexual person (again, even if they are in a relationship with someone who is the opposite gender) that they have straight privilege, that will not make the straight folks actually give them access to it. And when people tell me “Yeah, well, you can pass as straight!” my response is “Well, so can you.” Because if you hide who you are, if you hide who your partner is, if you never reveal that part of yourself, you can also pass as straight. And that isn’t the life that we as queer people want for ourselves- it’s been made pretty clear to me that no one should ever have to live in a closet. And yet every time someone tells me, or my girlfriend, or an ace/aro person, or a NB person, or a genderqueer person, or a bi person, that they “can pass as straight if you want”, you are insinuating that closeting ourselves is somehow an acceptable option for us. Now, of COURSE if you are not safe being out, don’t out yourself, and this goes for everyone, no matter your orientation or identity. And sure, there are days when I can walk down the street holding my girlfriend’s hand and no one looks twice. But that is coming at the cost of my girlfriend’s ability to express who she is. In conversations, I still have to sometimes censor myself, to call her by her deadname because some people don’t know and she doesn’t want them to, I need to make sure I don’t say girlfriend around people I am not out to yet. I worry about the current administration, about the hate crimes- I share a LOT of the same concerns and worries and anxieties as the rest of the community, as the very people who have told me that I have straight privilege and that I somehow don’t have to think about these things. But I do. And I suppose at the end of it all, the hardest part about that isn’t worrying about supporting my girlfriend and feeling anxious when she comes home late. It isn’t having to navigate the nuances of being a wlw in areas where that isn’t accepted. It isn’t having to deal with relatives and family members and unsupportive parents. It’s knowing that, for me and for a lot of other queer people (non-monosexual folks make up over 50% of the community), when we go to talk about these experiences with people who share them, with people who say that they understand, who know what it is like... We are met with “Well, you can pass as straight”. We are met with dismissal of our concerns. We are even met with outright hostility and exclusion. Sure, I could pass as straight. I could lie. I could call my girlfriend my boyfriend. She could pass, too. Never dress or act or identify how she feels. Never be truly comfortable. Always cautious about names and pronouns and what we say around who. I could pass as straight, we could pass as straight like y’all always tell us that we are able to... But at what cost? For a group that has largely had to hide who they are, I would think that you would all know that the price is far too steep.

#personal #pan clan #queer #lil rant #this has been rlly bothering me #I heard it today #and that was kind of it

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