#the wardrobe department on that movie knew what they were doing I swear to god

[bee-in-a-box]

okay I was goofing but I do have a genuine Mike fancast no one laugh at me I made wool hat edits of the kid from The Holdovers do you see the vision

#the wardrobe department on that movie knew what they were doing I swear to god #They probably had Mike Nesmith photos up on their wall as inspo for this guy #anyway I think this guy would be great because he's tall and intimidating but could still do the goofy guy bit #and he's also got an intense but still babyface so it's like that thing about Mike's first impression #where it's poignantly obvious that he's the edgy one but you're like 'oh well he's still a sweetheart he's just a kid-' #and then you find out he's a veteran who's married and has a baby and you're like 'HUH???' #and like #yeah #this guy's face doesn't really match mike's #but I swear there were some shots in this film with this guys side profile and and posture and my brain went “mike?' ”MIKE?' #and he's got the hair color and the right texture if they brushed it out #so you stick some sideburns on that kid and give him an accent and he's ready to go out the box #monkees posting

[seijorhi]

Hinata with an s/o who treats him pretty shitty. No matter what Hinata still is really sweet to them until he just kinda snaps. He decides to act really cruel back and seeing how scared she is he realizes he really likes them like that.

Thanks for the request!!

It actually turned out pretty tame, but I hope you like it 😊

TW physical abuse, kidnapping

One More Time

God you’re so pretty, do you know that?

He tells you often enough, showers you with as much love and affection and praise as he can muster, but you never seem to listen to him. No matter how kind or sweet he is, all you ever do is turn up your nose at him and snap some biting retort or insult.

Sometimes you just flat out ignore him, and he hates that most of all. Can’t you understand that all he wants is your love? Your happiness? You’re the single most important thing in Hinata’s life - well, you and volleyball - but you always treat him like garbage! 

It’s okay, though. 

You… you just need time to adjust. He’s taken you from everything you’ve known, your friends and family, the job that demanded too much of your time, that stupid boyfriend of yours, he just needs to have a little patience. You’ll come around eventually and then everything will be perfect!

Patience has never been his strong suit, but for you he’s willing to try! No matter how many times you yell at him or say such hurtful things, he’s never anything but sweet and loving in return. It’ll be worth it when you settle down, and he can distract himself with his fantasies of how great your lives together are gonna be until then.

He loves you, he loves you so much it almost hurts, but you act like it means nothing. You scoff when he offers to let you watch your favourite movie together, sneer whenever he cuddles up around you after a long day of training and outright mock and belittle him at every opportunity you get. You don’t even appreciate the new wardrobe he’s gotten for you - it’s all sheer, lacy and soft, but you just scowl and snap at him whenever he asks for you to try it on. It’s not that it doesn’t bother him, but he remembers how you used to be, sweet and kind with the prettiest smile and laugh. This you isn’t really you, it’s just an act. 

He’d do anything for you, but you don’t seem to care about that, do you? You’re acting like an ungrateful, mean, whining little brat right now, but he loves you anyway.

Unfortunately for you, it turns out that Hinata does have his limits. 

You’ve been pouty all day, so he does the only thing he can think of to bring your pretty smile back, he brings home some of your favourite pastries from the bakery you used to love just down the road from your old place. He’s expecting your eyes to light up, for you to throw your arms around him and shower him in kisses because he remembered. He might not have a lot of experience in the love department, but he knows how to be a good boyfriend!

Except your eyes don’t light up. 

You’re sitting propped up against the headboard on his bed re-reading one of your favourite novels when he gets home, and you barely even glance up when he calls from the doorway. 

“Baaaabby,” he sings as he all but jumps onto the mattress beside you, sliding an arm around your shoulder that you promptly shrug off. “I missed you!”

Your face scrunches up as he presses a kiss against your cheek, but you don’t even look up from your book. His smile doesn't waver, but his eyes narrow just a fraction - for one shining, dark moment, he has the strong urge to rip the book right out of your hands and tear it into pieces before your eyes. He’d only brought it over because he knew how much you loved it and he wanted you to be happy and comfortable in your new home, but he’s the one you should be paying attention to right now. 

But he calms himself, tugging you closer. He’ll have all of your attention soon enough. Excitement bubbles in his stomach, he’s almost vibrating with barely suppressed glee. You’re gonna love his surprise so much! “C’mere, let me show you.” 

He effortlessly yanks the book from your hands, tossing it carelessly to the ground. Finally, you look up at him, a petulant scowl on your face, but he doesn’t let it affect him. “You were looking a little sad today, so I thought I’d get you something to cheer you up!”

Without giving you a chance to reply he shoves the box into your lap. His eyes are wide and fixed on your face, searching for the reaction he so desperately wants to see, but you’re just…

You’re just staring mutely at the box. 

You haven’t even opened it, but surely you recognise the logo emblazoned on the outside. You swallow, and Hinata swears that he sees your eyes shine with tears, but that can’t be right… you, you loved that bakery! Why would it make you sad? “Do… do you like it?” He prompts when the silence starts to get a little oppressive. 

Like a switch flipped, your face darkens and you glare at him. With your eyes locked on his, you pick up the box of cakes he’d so carefully picked out for you and throw it across the room like it’s nothing but trash. “I don’t want you or your stupid gifts, just leave me alone you creepy little shit,” you sneer.

Something inside Hinata just snaps.

It’s easy when you look at him to forget just how quick Hinata can be. One second you're sitting on the bed beside him, the next he has you face down on the mattress, gripping your arms in a painful twist behind your back.

“Why do you have to be so rude all the time?!” he hisses in your ear as you whimper and trash beneath him. “I’ve tried to be nice, I’ve tried making you happy, but you just can’t stop being a coldhearted bitch for five minutes, can you?!”

There’s an edge to his voice that makes you shiver beneath him. Maybe, just maybe, you’re finally gonna stop-

“I’ll stop being a bitch,” you growl into the pillow, bucking your hips to try and displace him, “when you’re rotting away behind bars, asshole!”

His arm moves before his brain can catch up, a loud smack echoing out into the room. Hinata’s glad that the only thing you’re wearing is one of his shirts - currently riding up at your stomach - and some sheer underwear he’d picked out for you, because it means he gets the perfect view of the bright red handprint blossoming on your ass. 

You scream, writhing beneath him so wonderfully but Hinata’s just staring at his palm. It’s just like the first time he spiked a volleyball properly, his hand is pink and tingling from the force of the hit, and there’s that familiar sting that makes him feel giddy inside. It’s like a mini victory, that rush of pure joy that floods his body, and he can’t help but grin as he exhales shakily. His eyes slowly drift from his hand to your ass before finally meeting your gaze.

Oh, you’ve always been pretty, baby, but with your eyes wide and glossy with tears, your cheeks red and the unmistakable look of fear written across your face, you might just be the prettiest thing in the whole wide world.

You’ll cry and let him cuddle up and comfort you afterwards, you’ll be sweet and loving, letting him drown you in as many kisses and soft caresses as he can while he murmurs apologies he doesn’t really mean - he’s sure of it.

He rubs the angry, raised skin gently, tenderly, hushing you when you start to sob.

But for now…

Hinata’s grin widens. “One more time.”

#yandere haikyuu #yandere hinata #yandere hinata x reader #yandere hinata shoyo #yandere hinata shoyo x reader #tw abuse #haikyuu fic #haikyuu imagines #yandere haikyuu imagines #tw kidnapping #captive reader #unhealthy relationships #kind of a given but...

[ppunkisnotdead]

The thrilling adventures of a PA - Chapter Two : The wardrobe malfunction (Adam Sackler x Reader)

After a couple of days on the job, you’re already getting your bearings around the sets and locations where you’re the most likely to go during the day. Shirley & Stew gave you tips on how to be a good PA and some gossips too. You like them, they’re friendly (even thought Shirley’s a little too girly for your taste) and mainly, they don’t make you feel ouf of place because you’re new, both on the team and on the job. The first night, you fell asleep straight away in your bed, something that didn’t happen to you since forever and luckily, before you drifted off, you made sure to set up two alarms. But you’re already feeling better, your internal clock starting to adjust and well, not gonna lie about it, coffee helps (like a lot). As for your job per se, you’re getting more comfortable with Adam. You talked together the previous evening after he was done filming, at his request (which surprised you in a good way), learning more about each other over a little cuppa and you must admit, Delilah was right. He’s not so weird once you understand where he’s coming from, in his private life. He wasn’t too sharing of course, just giving some info here and there about himself, his family & what led him to acting. What was needed for you two to work well together you’d say. Afterall, you’d be seeing each other every day for the next six or eight months so there’ll be plenty of time to chat some more during that period.

Today there is some costume fitting on the schedule and you can’t wait to see that part as you’ve always loved costumes. Nerdy as you are, cosplay is nothing unheard of for you & you dabbled more than once in the craft yourself, the couples of costumes hidden in your cupboard proving it. Fascinated by period costumes, you always thought the people making those elaborate dresses were magicians. Laced bits that looked so fragile, pearls & jewels woven on precious fabrics, cleavages that contained so many details to make the person wearing it even more convincing in their role. And that was only the women’s part. In your humble opinion, men dressed in period clothes had something almost superenatural. A good suit could make a real gentlemen out of anybody (as the movie Kingsman proved it -yeah you really loved that movie-)  If lingerie was the secret weapon of women, suits were men’s equivalent. There was something about a well-tailored suit that just made you feel weak in the knees. Suddenly you find yourself picturing Adam in one. He’d look quite dashing you gather, his tall figure would be even more obvious, his frame underlined in the right places... And that’s where you stop yourself daydreaming. You’ve got chores to do before going to the studio so you better start moving if you want to do everything & be on time for work. Last thing you need right now is fantasizing about a man that one, you hardly know, & two, you have no fucking chance to ever be with. Leaving your bike at the entrance, greeting Al the studio’s security guard agent as he puts down the barrier after you, you rush to the catering area to get what you need for Adam & indulge yourself with a little bit of that delicious brownie that stood there, begging to be eaten. And since you only had a toast before you took off, well it counts as breakfast in your eyes. The two cups ready, you thank the barista and walk to Adam’s trailer. No sign of any of your coworkers yet, which makes you wonder if you’re late or something but not much time to second guess, you’ve got a schedule to follow. Knocking on the door quickly, you step back a little since the door opens to the outside and a few seconds later, it reveals the actor, dressed in a grey t-shirt paired with a matching sweat pants and the morning face that goes with it. You chuckle slightly at that vision & automatically offer him his cup of coffee, which he reaches for without thinking, greeting your gesture with a grunt. - “Not a morning person ?”, you ask still a bit amused by the litte scene you just witnessed. - “Usually I am but I didn’t get a proper night of sleep so... Thanks for the coffee,” he motions the cup towards you before gulping some long sips down. - “Sorry to hear about that”, you say with a compationate pout. He shrugs to say it doesn’t matter and you don’t dare ask what kept him awake. It’s not your place and certainly not your right. You’re here to make sure he gets where he needs to be on time, not to befriend him. But still, it hurts to see him like this and you have to block out that urge to hug him that’s creeeping in your mind. “Today’s pretty light regarding your schedule. You’ll have time to rest this afternoon,” you announce, breaking the silence that fell between you two since. - “I doubt I’ll be able to take a nap but nice of you to think about my weel-being”, he replies with a faint smile a he puts the cup on the table near him. - “That’s part of my job afterall”, you retort playfully enven though it trully is. “You’re expected in the wardrobe department in 45 minutes, do you need me to do anything in the mean time ?” - “Hmm... Nothing that I can think of right now, no. How long will the fitting be again ?”, he asks as he reaches for the fridge to get himself something to eat. “Do you want some ?”, he adds as he retrieves some eggs & bacon, turning to the tittle kitchen corner behind him. - “No thanks. I’m all set, thank you”, you decline the offer with a polite smile and add “about 2 hours according to the sheet, could be less, could be more depending on how many they want you to try out and additional fittings.” - “I thought this was your first time as a PA, how do you know all that ?”, he’s breaking an egg in the pan as he asks you that, making you blush instantly. - “It is yeah but... I’m, uh... I watch a lot of documentaries of my favorite movies behind the scenes, precisely because it lets you see that side of the process while making a movie so...”, you answer, feeling silly to tell him the truth and such a glimpse in your little unadventurous life. - “Oh god no, there’ll be one for this movie too. I hate those, I can’t see myself on any screen, I’ll look like a dick again”, he grunts as he’s scrambling the eggs now. You chuckle a little, releasing the breath you didn’t realize you were holding until then and he looks at you hearing it. “What’s so funny ?” - “I just find it odd that you can’t stand seeing yourself like that since well, no offense but...it’s kind of part of the job ? I mean it’s not like you weren’t aware it would be something you’ll have to do, it has to be included in your contract or something, right ?” - “Maybe, yeah, I guess so”, he says hastily and you can’t help but smile guessing he didn’t pay attention to this fine print when he signed it. He puts his breakfast in a plate and starts eating. “I’ll meet you outside in 25 minutes, I have to take a quick shower first.” You nod simply as he’s biting in his strip of bacon and without further a due, you take your leave. On the clock, 25 minutes later, the actor’s exiting his trailer, hair still wet which gives him some sort of a charm but you start walking in front of him, preventing yourself from making any misplaced look. The walk is silent ‘til you reach the building housing the wardrobe department, where you immediately feel at home, weirdly enough. There is some sort of background buzzing, you can hear & imagine the people working here, like little busy bees, making sure the costumes were perfect in order to sell the character to the audience. If you were a bit more crafty, you’d like to work in that kind of environment, very creative and never dull. - “Adam hi, Y/N welcome ! I’m Dylan, head of the department”, an older man introduces himself to you, very cheerful & full of energy. He’s not standing still and already next to the clothes racks, scanning them to find the ones Adam’s supposed to try out. “We’ve got a treat for you Mr. Sackler, I’m sure you’ll love it,’ he says, completely ignoring you as you return his greetings, Adam smiling uncomfortably at you. You let them proceed to the fitting, sitting in the corner and scrolling through your phone in order to catch up with the latest news & the messages you’ve received from Stew & Shirley. When you look up, you see Adam’s frame, shielded by Dylan but since he’s taller, you still catch a good glimpse and feel your cheek blush. Luckily the doesn’t notice so you check the time and let your gaze wander the room. The amount of pieces is impressive and you’d like to try many of them on. The fabric seems so soft on one dress that’s laying on the rack in the back of the room. Dylan’s talking non-stop & it’s starting to get on your nerves and you notice Adam is feeling the same way as you see his fists clenched at his sides. As your eyes meet, you can’t help but smile to let him know you share his pain. And it seems to help him a little since he smiles back and runs his hand in his hair, unwinding. You take that as your cue to get up and indulge your curiosity, taking a closer look to some of the costumes. Youd hand grazes over the soft velvet from a cape and your mind sets off in another time & place. It’s Adam’s voice that resonates behind you which brings you back, startling you a little. - “Try one on”, he says smiling like an idiot, clearly amused to caught you off guard. - “What ? No, I can’t, I won’t fit in any of them anyway”, you reply, taking a step back as if the rack was going to attack in defense, making Adam chuckle from the motion. - “Nonsense, here, try that one”, he takes one off the rack and hands it to you. “I won’t look, I swear”, he adds and raises his eyebrows, clearly instructing you to change. He stares at you & you know you’re not getting out of this one so you go in the corner and start undressing behind a screen. Surprisingly, you fit in that dress, making you wonder how he knew it’d fit without any doubt. - “I’m done”, you inform the tall man who turns around and smiles as he takes in the sight of you. “Don’t you dare laugh at me, this was your idea”, you add, pointing a finger at him. - “I wasn’t going to”, he says, raising his hands in the air to show his good faith, “but you look good. Purple suits you”; he replies as he steps closer to take a better look. “Turn around”, he asks and you comply. Once again, you sense your cheeks blushing but you take a deep breath as your back is facing him & manage to regain composure before you finish your turn. “My lady”, he teases you, faking a bow and you slap his hand in response. - “You’re mean, as no one ever told you that ?” - “I’ve lost count to be honest”, he quips back, grinning like an idiot. - “Why am I not surprised”, you retort as you walk back to the screen in order to change back in you clothes. But as you try to unzip the dress, you realize something’s off. The zipper is stuck. You curse under your breath and try it a couple more time but it doesn’t move. Just what you needed to ridicule yourself in front of him. - “It’s stuck !”, you yelp quickly, hoping he’ll come to your rescue. And luckily, he does. - “What did you do ?”, he asks, trying to move the zipper further down. - “Nothing ! It’s just stuck ! Get me out !”, you cry out, a slight panic attack coming up for you right now. What if Dylan or someone else catch you in that dress ? You could lose your job and you can’t afford that right now. Adam feels the build up and rests one of his hand on your shoulder. - “Relax. Breathe. It won’t move if you’re about to hulk out of this dress.” You’re close to snap back at him but you know he’s only trying to help you so you do as told and take a deep breath, closing your eyes to focus on anything else in order to calm down. Within a few seconds, your breathing’s even and you feel a sudden relief in your back. The zipper budgeg, you can finally get out of that dress. You let out a sigh of content, not even realizing that it meant Adam could now see your bra. From the back only, but still. - “I’ll... I’ll leave you to it then”, the actor says as he steps back and leave you behind the screen to take off the dress on your own. You felt some hesitation in his voice, was he flustered ? No, of course he wasn’t silly, you think to yourself, shaking your head as you put on your clothes. Why would he be flustered from that ? Stepping out of your hiding spot, you cough to let him know you’re done & you both stay silent for a few seconds. That’s precisely the moment Dylan comes back (you didn’t even noticed he was gone in the first place) and he’s still talking without any signs of stopping, offering you two a good excuse to act like nothing happened. When you both leave after Adam is done, none of you talk about the dress incident and you’re relieved because you’re still wondering if what you saw earlier on was real or just what you wanted to see. The day goes on smoothingly after that, having lunch with the other PAs helps you set your mind on something else and you decide to act as if it never happened is the best way to avoid creating any trouble with the tall man you’re working for.

#fanfic #adam sackler x reader #the thrilling adventures of a PA #i'll admit it lol #the idea came from me rewatching the BTS of the LotR movies #but it was so fun to picture the scene #hope it'll live up to the first chapter

[writinginstardust]

Office Christmas Party

Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x reader

Prompt(s):  we just had a one-night stand but a massive storm hit so now we’re snowed in, hello awkward and “I hate work Christmas parties”

Warnings: suggestive of sexual content, swearing I think

A/N: Thanks to @writingbychelle and someone else for requesting these prompts! Me? Writing an AU? Yeah, that’s actually happening. Reader could be read as any gender in this btw!

Word Count: 1901

*

Ivan. Bane of my existence and quite possibly the most boring man I’d ever met. And he just had to find me on the night when I was supposed to be trying to have a good time for once. He literally would not shut up and I was starting to consider taking drastic measures to get away from him. At least soon I wouldn’t have to see him so much thanks to my imminent department transfer.

“Sorry, (Y/N), I’ve just spotted Aleks and I need a word with him. We can continue this later.” His eyes were trained somewhere over my shoulder as he spoke and he was suitably distracted from me now. Thank god.

“Sure. See you around.” I would not. Not if I could help it. He left without another word and I escaped to the other side of the party, hoping I could disappear in a dark corner and not be found by him again. If it weren’t so early in the evening and I hadn’t promised the girls in my department I’d stay, I’d have left then and there. Work parties were never something I’d particularly enjoyed. I didn’t know half the people there and of the half I did know, there were few I liked and even less that I’d like to see outside of the office. Add alcohol into the mix and it was a recipe for a vaguely hellish night. 

Grabbing a drink, I made my way to a quiet corner with a mostly empty couch, only one other person occupying it. The man had a drink in hand and looked fed up. Clearly I wasn’t the only one who didn’t want to be here. 

He looked up as I sank down next to him but didn’t say anything. I looked over, studying him for a minute. Someone I’d never met before which was a shame because he was drop dead gorgeous. Silky-looking blond hair, hazel eyes, jawline that could cut glass, impeccably dressed and styled perfectly on the line between casual and smart. It was a roguish handsomeness and I immediately found myself inexplicably drawn to him.

“You look like you’d rather be literally anywhere else,” I said after another couple of silent moments. He turned those beautiful eyes on me, a little smile playing on his lips that made my chest feel light.

“That’s because I would. I hate work Christmas parties.”

“You’re not the only one.” 

“Why are you here then?”

“I was forced by the girls in my department. What about you?” He pursed his lips, considering his answer for a minute.

“It was something of an obligation.” Strange obligation but I wouldn’t enquire further. “I’m Nikolai by the way.” He extended a hand to me and it was soft and warm when I shook it. Nikolai. That name sounded familiar but I couldn’t place why.

“(Y/N).”

“Can I get you another drink, (Y/N)?” I glanced down and found I’d managed to finish the one I picked up on the way here already.

“Yes, thank you. Raspberry Cosmo please.” He took my empty glass and headed for the bar. I watched him go, unable to keep my eyes from admiring his form in that perfectly tailored suit and the easy confidence he carried himself with. How had I never noticed this man before? He seemed to be the type that would have the girls in the office swooning and gossiping on the regular at the very least. Maybe they had and I’d just been too busy to notice. That must be it.

Nikolai returned quickly and for the rest of the night the conversation flowed as freely as the drinks. We ducked out of the party just before 11 and Nikolai invited me back to his place. Normally I would have politely declined. One night stands weren’t something I did, especially not with colleagues, however infrequently I might see them. But, well, I was more than drunk enough to shut off the rational part of my brain that was telling me this was a bad idea, and Nikolai was all kinds of perfect. I knew I’d regret it if this was my one chance and I didn’t take it.

So, I ended up in his bed and let him completely ruin me for any other man. He was a perfect gentleman, even in the midst of a drunken hookup and my god he was one talented bastard, managing to turn a pretty shit night into one of the best in my life.

*

It was bright when I woke up. Too bright. Even taking into account my hangover and how late in the day it probably was, it was much too bright. I opened my eyes as much as I could bear and squinted at my surroundings. It wasn’t my room and for a moment I was confused until the memories came flooding back. So that would also explain the warm body next to me then. The one that was shifting and looking very close to waking up. That would be my cue to leave then.

Quietly as I was able to, I slipped out of the bed and pulled my clothes back on, not bothering to properly fix my appearance until I’d left the room and gotten into the living room. It was there that the problem arose. The blinds were wide open and blinding white hit my eyes. Snow was everywhere and, though we were several stories up, I could tell it was deep. There was barely a soul on the streets and those few that I could see appeared to be almost up to their chests in it. There was no way I was going to be able to get out of this building, let alone back to my own apartment across town. Shit.

The soft pad of footsteps drew my attention from the window and I turned to find Nikolai vacating his room. He stopped in his tracks when he noticed me and his brow furrowed in confusion even as a small smile graced his lips.

“I thought you’d gone,” he said, voice scratchy.

“That might be a problem.” I gestured to the window and he took a few steps closer to me, eyes widening when he noticed all the snow.

“Shit.”

“Yeah.” Silence followed and I had no idea how to break it. What the hell was I meant to do now? I couldn’t leave but I couldn’t just stay here after last night, that would be unbelievably awkward. “Well, since you’re stuck here, would you like to borrow some clothes? I can’t imagine those are very comfortable.”

“You want me to stay here?” I asked in surprise.

“Well, what else are you going to do? You can’t go out in that.” He had a point.

“Won’t it be awkward?”

“Because we had sex?” I nodded and he shrugged. “It’s not that big a deal. Might be a different story if it was bad.” He grinned and winked and heat flared in my cheeks but I found myself grinning back.

“Well it definitely wasn’t bad.”

“Then we don’t have a problem.” And just like that I was completely at ease again. “So, clothes?”

“Yes please.” I followed him back into his room and sat on the bed as he rummaged through his wardrobe for something comfortable and vaguely size appropriate.

“These are about the best I can do,” he said apologetically as he tossed a t-shirt and sweats to me. I pulled them on quickly, the material incredibly soft against my skin even if the clothes didn’t quite fit right. “Here, you can borrow this too.” He handed me what looked to be an old sports team hoodie and I held it up to inspect, curious at this new piece of information. I froze as I caught sight of the name emblazoned on the back. Lantsov. God, please let this not be what I thought. Nikolai noticed my reaction and shot me a questioning look.

“You okay?”

“Lantsov…” I looked up at him, wide-eyed. “As in…”

“Yeah.”

“Oh god.” That was why the name rang a bell and why I’d never seen him before. So, not only had I hooked up with someone from work, I’d managed to pick the CEO’s son. The CEO’s son who just so happened to be the reason for my transfer. I was going to be his personal assistant and I’d just slept with him. Could things have gone any worse?

“What’s wrong?” He asked, taking a seat beside me.

“You know how I told you last night that I was getting transferred?”

“I do.” A moment later it seemed to dawn on him. “Oh.”

“Yeah. I’m going to be your assistant.” We sat in awkward silence for a minute or two. That had made things a whole lot worse. Now we were going to have to work together every day, how on Earth was that going to work after last night?

“Well, as your new boss, I should probably tell you I don’t make a habit of sleeping with my employees.” Nikolai finally said.

“I don’t usually sleep with colleagues or superiors either.”

“That being said. I’m not opposed to this happening again.” I looked at him in disbelief.

“You can’t be serious?”

“I am.”

“Is that even allowed?”

“It wouldn’t be the first time a PA and their boss ended up together.” The way he said that implied more than just the casual sex I thought he’d been talking about and I couldn’t deny the way my heart fluttered at the thought.

“So…?”

“So, I know we only met last night but I like you and I’d like to take you out on a proper date.” My breath hitched at the offer and I itched to just say yes but the rational part of my brain was working uninhibited by alcohol now.

“And what if it doesn’t work out? What do we do about work?”

“I assure you, I can be perfectly professional if that should happen. I’d like to hope it won’t though.” And god, so did I.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“I’ll give it a try.” He grinned and leaned in to kiss me, managing to leave me breathless even though it was relatively tame. I followed his lips instinctively when he pulled back and his grin widened. 

“Y’know,” he started, hands sliding around my waist and pulling me a little closer. “I was going to suggest watching movies all day, but I think I might have a better idea.”

“I think I might too,” I breathed out before Nikolai connected our lips again, the kiss far more suggestive than last time bust still unhurried. He guided me back on the bed and pressed closer.

With my fingers tangled in his hair and his tracing the lines of my body, we made out lazily for what could very well have been hours though I couldn’t be sure and didn’t really care. There wasn’t much else to do after all and the longer I was with him, the more difficult it became to think of a good reason to keep my hands to myself. Nikolai appeared to have the same problem. Coherent thoughts that weren’t about him were buried deep down as his touch made me forget anything else, but a single one reached me through the haze: maybe work Christmas parties weren’t so bad after all.

*

Tag Lists: (send an ask if you want to be added!)

Everything: @wonderfilledness @writingbychelle @ad-astraaaa @moderngenius94

Grishaverse: @chiefqueenenthusiast @unconditional-love-and-support

#nikolai lantsov #Grishaverse #The Grisha Trilogy #nikolai lantsov x reader #nikolai lantsov x you #nikolai lantsov imagine #nikolai lantsov fanfic #grishaverse fanfic #grishaverse imagine #tgt #tgt fanfic #tgt imagine #reader insert

[mirkwoodshewolf]

Lessons from Ben Cardy; Ben Hardy x reader ft. Joe Mazzello

*Author’s note*

Hey guys well this idea had been buzzing around in my head for months. I kid you not months on end since a certain video of when Joe Mazzello not only did the Ben Cardy but also included the real Ben Hardy himself. So I decided to do this little fic since I managed to FINALLY get some free time in my hectic schedule but this will be the last update for awhile cause I’ve got a convention this weekend, my sister’s wedding the next weekend and then finals the following week but hopefully by the summer I’ll be back to do tons more updates and work on those requests to the anons who sent them back during my winter break. I PROMISE!!!

So in the fic you will literally find no warnings just PURE FLUFF AND GOOEYNESS OF MORE FLUFF!!! Hope you all love this cause I sure as heck enjoyed writing it :)

___________________________________________________

The sun peered in through my curtains of my bedroom.  I let out a groan and turned to the side of my bed and saw the infamous cutout of Ben Hardy laying on my bed.

“Oh Joe I’m gonna kill you!” I hissed under my breath.  I shot out of bed and grabbed the cardboard and trudged out of my room and banged on Joe’s room and cried out, “Joseph Mazzello III you get your ass out here right now!!” The door soon opened and as soon as Joe saw me with Cardboard Ben he said.

“Whoa (y/n) long night?”

“Shut up you little shit! I know you implanted this thing in my bed.” He gasped and took the cutout back and said as he stroked it’s head.

“How dare you? She didn’t mean that Benjamin. She’s just cranky in the mornings, you’ll get used to it.”  I shook my head at him and said.

“Joey, it’s a piece of cardboard that looks like him.”

“You’re hurting your boyfriend’s feelings (y/n)!”

God how I’ve put up with Joe Mazzello after all these years I’ll never know, but again my life would’ve been boring without him.  As a kid while most girls wanted to be pop stars, princesses or movie stars, I had an interest in fashion.  By the time I was in high school, I got involved with my school’s theatre department and always got involved with the costume department.

In college I majored in fashion and got an internship at the best shopping centers in New York City.  Soon my works got viewed by magazines and Hollywood that I had actually been offered to do the costumes for an upcoming B movie.  I worked my way up until finally I was called up by Steven Spielberg himself to do the costume work for his and Tom Hank’s new project “The Pacific”.

I think that out of any decade that I would say would be my favorite is the 1940’s just because of the simplicity of their fabric and designs.  Plus I’m a sucker for a man in Marine uniforms.  And it was through The Pacific that I met and became friends with both Joe Mazzello and Rami Malek.

Every day with those two was an adventure and full of laughter and stories.  Joe had told me how he worked with Stephen back when he was a kid for Jurassic Park, of course me being me I freaked out because I practically grew up on that movie and watched it religiously. 

Even after the show wrapped, I kept in contact with both Joe and Rami and I soon got involved with bigger film projects, hell if you’ve seen Guardians of the Galaxy, I helped design the Ravagers, Gamora’s, Ronin’s and Nebula’s costumes.  Then one day I was on break after doing the 2nd GOTG movie, I had gotten a call from Graham King the Producer of a new Queen biopic that he was planning to do and asked to see me.

I agreed because this was a once in a lifetime opportunity.  Along with the 1940’s, I always loved the outfits that the actual band members of Queen wore.  They just gradually changed with the era and it was just amazing to see them evolve with it.  I met with Graham, even got to meet with Brian May and Roger Taylor themselves and they were impressed with my work and happily welcomed me on board as the head costume designer.

So I flew out to England to where we would be filming and as I was getting myself set up, I actually gotten a big surprise that day.  I was at my station pulling out and organizing all my sketch books and labeled to which band member would be in which book, when suddenly I felt something tickle my waist.

I let out an almost inhuman shriek and when I turned around I saw two very familiar faces.  It was Rami and Joe.  I gasped and let out a cheer as I hugged Rami who was closest to me.  He picked me up and spun me around laughing joyously before setting me down when Joe piped in.

“Oh I see how it is (n/n) good to know where your loyalties lie.”

“Shut up you little shit and get over here and hug me.” I had told him.  He then picked me up and spun me just like Rami did. They told me that they had gotten the led roles as Freddie Mercury and John Deacon respectively, and when I told them I would be the head designer for the project, they were so happy for me just as happy as I was for them.

The three musketeers reunited at last.

As the filming went on, I also got to get close with the two other gentlemen playing Roger and Brian.  Gwilym and I had a lot in common in favorite authors and plays since I had done some Broadway work before being signed up onto Hollywood, and Ben…..

Ahh Ben Hardy.  That loveable man.  I mean it was hard to not get along with Ben, he was sweet, kind-hearted, a great listener, and had a great personality. And it seemed that the more time I got to spend time with Ben, the more my feelings began to develop for him.  And of course with Roger’s well-known wardrobe choice, it made it so hard to stop a blush from beaming on my face, especially when it was an outfit where it would show his chest.

Of course Joey being Joey knew immediately of my little crush on Ben and every day would tease me about it while in his John Deacon get up, either dropping the accent or using it.

After filming ended and I went back to the states, Joe had actually invited me to stay with him for a while.  Since living in New York was so expensive, he offered for me to stay in his home.  He says it was because he missed his ‘bestest friend in the whole wide world’ and wanted to spend time with me, but I think he just wants more opportunity to torment about my feelings for a certain blonde Brit.  He even went as far as to buy a cardboard cutout of said Brit and bringing it back after the press tour in Tokyo.

Of course he spread the ‘Ben Cardy’ all over Instagram and the fans were going nuts over it.  After having to do two big projects back to back I’ve decided to take a year off work so I guess it’s good that Joe offered me to come live with him, cause if I hadn’t I’d probably be evicted out of my apartment.

Now back to the present, I rolled my eyes and muttered.

“You’re so annoying.”

“Aww you know you love me.”

“Do I know that?” I teased as I headed to the kitchen.  As I got me a bowl of Coco-Puffs, Joe came into the kitchen and said.

“C’mon (n/n), why can’t you just say?”

“Say what?”

“You love Ben.” I dropped my spoon into the bowl and said.

“Why must you be so nosy about my love-life Joey?”

“Because I want my two best friends to get together and name me the godfather of their future children.” I shook my head at him and that’s when he said, “But seriously (y/n), you’ve been pining over Ben since the start of filming. Anytime he was even mentioned you’d blush like a lobster.”

“But Joe…..even if I did confess, you know that I’d…..how would I go about being a good girlfriend? This is whole new territory for me. And I’m ashamed.”  I felt Joe come up behind me and wrap his arms around me, hugging me from behind. 

Yeah it’s true. In my 26 years of living, never once did I have a boyfriend.  It just seemed that no guy ever wanted to go out with me, meanwhile all my friends were losing their V cards by the time they were 16.  Then I guess I got so involved with my growing career that I just didn’t want to go into the dating scene.

“There’s no need to be ashamed (y/n). You just needed the right partner. And I think Ben’s that partner. He’s your lobster.”

“Did you really just quote Phoebe Buffay?”

“Damn right I did. Wait here for a second.”

“Oh my god Joe can’t it wait till I have my cereal first?”

“Nope!”

“Ugh! Then you owe me breakfast for this when it gets soggy.” It was then Joe came back with Cardboard Ben in tow.  “No, no, no! I’m not practicing with a cardboard cutout of him!”

“Too late chickadee, now come into the living room and sit on the couch next to dear old Benjamin.” I groaned but followed his order and sat down a couple inches away from where Joe had Cardboard Ben sitting.

“I can’t believe you’re making me do this.”

“Trust me it’ll help you for when the real day comes. Now talk to him.” Joe ducked down behind the arm of the couch but kept Ben adjusted.  I faced Ben and said.

“Hey Ben,”

“Yes love what is it?” Joe spoke, mimicking Ben’s accent and that’s when I broke and said.

“Gah I can’t do this Joe!”

“Yes you can, pretend I’m not here keep going you’re doing great.” He said as he peeked his head out from the couch.

“Joe—”

“Don’t chicken out you wuss!” He demanded which led me to sigh heavily.  “Ben?”

“Yes darling?”

“There’s—well I have uhh……lately I…..”

“It’s okay (y/n), you can tell me, you know I’d never laugh at you.” I looked up at the cutout and could almost swear that it really was Ben speaking to me.  I took a deep breath in before exhaling out.

“Imighthaveharboredacrushonyousincefilmingstarted.” I rushed out.

“Love I couldn’t understand you, what was that?”

“I…..might have….harbored…..a crush on you Ben. No I—I like you Ben. I mean really, really, really like you.” I felt my face burning up and that’s when Joe spoke up in Ben’s accent.

“Wow (y/n) I’m honored that you feel that way about me,” oh god why did I feel like there was a but coming in. “But,” I knew it. “I unfortunately have another waiting for me.” I lowered my head when I heard Joe say, “A strong, handsome brunette man with an American accent, not Welsh of course. He’s the man of my dreams.”

“Joey!” I whined out.

“Sorry I had to. Gwilym and Ben are having their little buddy-bromance story all over Instagram and I’ve gotta do better.” He said as he got up from behind the couch.

“Nice to know your relationship with Ben is more important than mine.” I snapped at him. I felt Joe sit beside me and wrap an arm around me and he said.

“I’m sorry, but you know Ben will love you. I mean how can someone not fall in love with someone like you? From day one since Rami and I met you all those years ago, we knew you were someone special. You’re smart, you’re beautiful, the youngest and most fashionable fashionista that I know. And if Ben can’t see that, then he’s a dick.” I felt Joe tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and I smiled softly.

“Thanks Joey, what would I do without you?”

“Be all depressed and focused solely on your work.” I slapped his arm making him cry out in pain and collapse onto the floor crying in pain in such a dramatic way.

“That didn’t hurt.”

“Yes it did, you’re so mean!”

“Oh get up yah big baby.” I pulled him up and that’s when I was suddenly thrown over his shoulder like a sack of flower. “Gah Joe put me down!”

“Nah I don’t think I want to.” He then spun around and I gripped onto the back of his shirt tightly and said.

“Joseph Mazzello I swear I’ll hurl all over you if you don’t put me down right now!” He set me down and I adjusted myself trying to make myself more presentable. “Remember you owe me breakfast now because I’m betting you $20 that my cereal’s gone bad.”

“Fine lets head over to Dunkin Doughnuts and get us something and I’ll even throw in a Starbuck for you.” He said as he extended his hand out.

“Deal.” We shook on it and then went to our rooms to get dressed and head on out. 

A week later, the BoRhap cast was back together for a little reunion just before the award seasons start.  We all decided to head to the best karaoke bar this side of New York had.  We reserved our table and ordered our meal and looked through the song book to see what kind of songs they were allowing.

“Oh guys check this out they have an entire section of Queen songs.” Gwilym said.

“Ohh what all do they have?” asked Lucy.

“They’ve got pretty much everything.” He answered.

“All except Bohemian Rhapsody.” I replied.

“Aww why don’t they have it?” whine Lu.

“I think I read somewhere the reason they banned it was because last time a group of guys tried it, a fight broke out as a drunk man tried to stop it and the person who was the front man started a fight with the guy. But then again it could also be because they don’t allow six minute songs.”

“Well I pity their wives if they think six minutes is forever.” Answered Rami.  We all laughed and the inside joke and Joe and I high fived Rami for speaking up about that.

As the night got late, some of us like me were a little tipsy while others were completely wasted e.g. Joe.  Joe had just gotten done singing “Purple Rain” by Prince and of course he dedicated it to Ben.  I couldn’t help but film the whole performance and hearing him screech out the lyrics, it was hilarious and now I had some blackmail on him because during one point of the song, he had actually tripped on the wire of the mic but still kept singing.

Lucy and I did a duet of Rick Springfield’s “Jessie’s girl” I sang a couple lyrics of the first verse before she finished and we both did the chorus together.  Jumping up and down to the beat and leaning up against each other and then we’d flip roles for the next verse and it continued to that formula. 

As Alan was singing “Love of my life” to his lovely wife, I was sitting at the bar getting my next drink when I heard Ben’s voice say.

“Wonderful performance up there.”

“Please it was all liquid courage. I hadn’t done karaoke in years. In fact ‘Somebody to love’ was my first Queen karaoke song back in what was it—middle school? No High school, no wait definitely middle school cause I had a bunch of kids looking at me weird because they had no idea who it was that I was singing to.”

“Seemed your middle school was clearly uneducated in the music department.”

“Tell me about it. All they listened to was their rap music.” Ben laughed softly and there was a bit of silence between us till he finally spoke up.

“Do you remember during the second week of shooting, the day Joe dared me to try and dip him?” I laughed and said.

“How could I possibly forget that?”

*Flashback*

I had just gotten Joe’s jacket on him for the scene where Freddie tries to reconcile with the band in Miami’s office.

“Thanks (n/n) you’re the best.”

“Anytime Joey.” I walked out of the set and watched from behind the camera as the boys ran their lines.  But for some reason one of the records that hung up from the wall kept falling down.  I was surprised that no one had broken character cause I was about to die laughing.

It was then Graham decided to call a break while they tried to fix the falling record.

“Hey Ben, I wanna try something!” Joe cried out.

“What is it Joe?”

“Dip me.”

“What?”

“Dip me, you know the dance dip. I’ve never been on the dipping end of it and I want to try it.”

“And why must it be me to dip you? Why not Rami or Gwil?”

“Rami’s too deep in character and Gwil’s twiggy arms might break.”

“Thanks mate.” Gwilym pipped in sarcastically.

“C’mon Benny please, just this once.”

“Alright, alright come here then.” And it was there that Ben took Joe in his arms, wrapped one arm around him and bent him backwards. Joe let out a playful swoon.

“Ohh Benjamin you’re such a divine dancer.” I rolled my eyes at him as he looked straight at me when he said those words. As Ben lifted Joe up it was then Gwil said.

“Wait, I’ve got a better idea to make this a bit more interesting.” It was then he grabbed an apple from the concession stand and held it up.

“No, no, no that’s too much!”

“Aww c’mon Joe it’s no different than a rose.” I teased him.

“No because he’ll just focus on the apple and drop me on my head!”

“Mate I promise I won’t drop you.” Ben assured him.

“You promise?” Joe asked skeptically.

“I swear it.” Ben vowed.  Joe turned to Gwil who still held the apple.  His brow quirked up as he extended his arm out to Joe and Joey took the apple and placed it in his mouth and got back to position one with Ben.

With our phones, Gwil and I took pics of the progression and once Ben took hold of the apple, he set Joe back up before taking the apple out of his mouth.

“Please tell me we got some good shots of that?” proclaimed Joe.

“I got you.” I proclaimed as I handed him my phone and he browsed through the pics.

“Send those to me.” I gave him a thumbs up and that’s when I heard him say, “Okay your turn.”

“Wait what?”

“Go on it’s your turn to be dipped by Ben Hardy.”

“Joe that’s really not necessary—”

“If I can do it, then so can you. Hey Ben care to take on a new partner?” I was then shoved towards Ben who steadied me.  I looked at Joe who gestured for us to get on with it. I turned to Ben and he said as he took my hand in his.

“I promise not to drop you (y/n).” My heart raced as I stared at Ben’s face.  Even with the famed “Roger Taylor” shades blocking his green eyes from my view, it still made him look absolutely handsome.  And the shoulder length blonde wig (although I do wish they had given him the same hairstyle Roger did have during this time, I saw a quick glimpse of it from an album cover they recreated and he looked handsome with the mullet look Roger had at the time). I gulped and nodded to Ben as I tried to calm myself down but that’s when Joe proclaimed.

“Wait! Wait I’ve got a better idea!” He then went over to one of the flower pot props and pulled out one of the fake flowers and held it out.

“No! No, and no Joe! Absolutely not!” I proclaimed.

“Aww c’mon (n/n), it’s no different than an apple.” He reversed my words and threw them right back in my face.  He grinned at me wagging the flower in front of me.

“I could strangle you right now.” I grumbled.

“I’d still haunt you in the afterlife dearie.” He mocked. I growled and took the flower and placed the stem between my teeth.  Oh god I can’t believe I’m doing this; god Joe is always a little shit and I swear he’s going to—

Oh, oh my god here we go Ben’s dipping me. Wow he has such a strong grip.  Not even some of my old friends could dip me like this without complaining.  Feeling his hand sprawled out along my back and his hand gently gripping mine made my stomach churn and my heart jump from my chest to my stomach.

I then saw him lean closer towards me to grab the flower. ‘Oh my god he’s leaning forward to grab the flower from my mouth.  Oh shit c’mon (y/n) just be cool, keep calm keep calm!’

As he reached for the flower, I could feel just a graze of the blonde wig tickle my cheeks and soon I was no longer holding the flower but Ben was as it lay there between his teeth and he gently set me up right. Even after bringing me back right-side-up, he forgot to let go of my waist.  The two of us looking at each other but it was soon broken by Joe’s voice.

“Okay that was hot I’ll admit that.”

“Too pure and yet passionately erotic.” Stated Gwilym.

“Okay guys we’ve got everything reset. Hopefully that record will stay for the take. Let’s wrap this scene up.” Graham called out.  It was then the guys left to go back into Miami’s office set.  Ben handed me the flower and I took it as he walked passed me.

“That boy has some skills even I didn’t have, I’ll admit that.” I jumped and turned to see Roger standing behind me.

“God Roger no wonder why Brian hates it whenever you sneak up on him like that. You’re like a freakin cat, we’ve gotta get you a bell or something.”

“That would ruin my look, so when will you finally admit it to yourself darling?” I turned to the legendary drummer and said.

“I’ve got nothing to say. Ben and I are just good friends, that’s all. Strictly platonic.”

“Uh-huh sure keep telling yourself that, love. But I can tell you this, he definitely doesn’t shut up about you. Always asking me for advice on how to woo you into his arms.”

“No he doesn’t.”

“Give yourself more credit dear, you’re a beautiful young woman. Hell if I was 50 years younger I’d definitely try to ask you out.” I laughed and said as I turned to face the old drummer.

“I’m flattered Roger, really I am. But from what I’ve heard he just got out of a nine year relationship. And I doubt he’d rebound to someone like me.”

“(Y/n) we need some help! One of the newbies screwed up the measurements for Freddie’s officer uniform!” I heard one of my assistants call out to me.

“Duty calls, see yah later Rog.” I then rushed over to help re-measure the uniform and re-worked on it just before Rami had to get into costuming with it in.

*End of flashback*

“That was probably the most interesting day on set.” I admitted.

“Yeah, but it was also one of my favorites.” He said.

“Because you and Joe got to make the fandom go crazy over the Hardzello shipping?”

“Well partly.” I looked up and saw that he had moved a little closer to me.  His arm was placed around the bar behind me, if he wanted he could’ve placed his arm around me and pulled me close to him but he didn’t.  “Truthfully (y/n) I never thought that I’d get the courage to do this but I might as well do it now while I still got the nerve.”

“What? Ben I’m confused what are you talking—”

“I love you.” At that point my heart stopped.  “I’ve been in love with you since the day I got to know you. I mean Rami and Joe have told Gwil and I loads of stories about you, but getting to actually know you face to face. Their stories don’t do you justice at all.”

“Ben you’re drunk you don’t know…..”

“No I do. I’m still sober enough to know what it is that I want. And what I want is you. To hold you, to kiss you, to make you breakfast in bed. I love you (y/n) (l/n).” I swallowed and lowered my head feeling the tears in my eyes.  “You don’t feel the same way do you?”

“No, no Ben it’s not that. Hell even Roger himself saw how crazy I was about you. I love you too Ben it’s just—” I sighed heavily and lowered my head in shame.

“What?” I felt his index finger and thumb raise my chin up so that I was forced to look into his hypnotic green eyes. “What is it love?”

“You and your ex were together for almost a decade. Meanwhile I’ve never once had a boyfriend in my over two decades of living. Hell I’ve never even kissed anyone. I feel like such a loser and you shouldn’t be exposed to someone with no experience in the dating spectrum.”

“I’m not looking for experience (y/n). It doesn’t matter to me whether you’ve had a relationship in the past or not, all I want is you.” His forehead touched mine and I almost collapsed to my knees right then and there.  “And I’d be honored to be your first everything. Now and in the future to come.”

I smiled happily and allowed a few tears to slip down my face but they were immediately caught by Ben’s thumbs as he wiped them away as he said.

“I love you (y/n).”

“I love you too Ben.” He leaned in closer toward my face, his nose brushing against mine. His lips faintly grazing mine as he whispered.

“May I kiss you love?”

“What if I screw it up?” I couldn’t stop myself from blurting out.

“Don’t think of it, just do what your heart tells you to do, okay?” He looked directly into my eyes and I tried to calm myself down before nodding.  Ben’s lips once again grazed over mine with the lightest of pressures until finally he kissed me.

My stomach exploded into knots and mad moths, I felt this tingle shoot up my spine and my toes curled as I just went for it.  I wrapped an arm around his neck, stroking my fingers through his sleeked, blonde hair.  After giving me one final peck he muttered.

“How was that?”

“Is it normal to feel like your stomach’s going to just explode when you have your first kiss?” Ben softly chuckled and said.

“Yeah. Cause I felt it just now.” I smiled and that’s when Ben kissed me again.

This time the kiss had a little more passion to it as I felt one arm wrap around my waist bringing me as physically close to him as possible, while his other hand cupped the side of my face stroking my cheek with his thumb.

“YAAAAAAASSSSSSSSS BENJAMIN!!!!” We heard the drunk scream of Joe scream out into the microphone. “IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME YOU TWO GOT TOGETHER!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I’VE BEEN KEEPING THIS SECRET OF YOUR BOTH!?! FOR FUCKING EVER!!!” Ben and I looked to Joe and he said to him.

“You happy now Joe?”

“Just know this Benjamin Jones. You break my girl’s heart, I’ll kick your ass so hard, you’ll be as flat as Ben Cardy. At least he treats her well.” Ben turned to me and I explained.

“He’s been putting your cutout in my bed for the past several weeks. He even had me practice confessing my feelings for you by practicing with him.”

“But let me assure you something darling,” he cupped my face with both his hands and leaned towards my ear and whispered huskily, “Cardboard Ben will never be able to dip you like I can.” Suddenly I was dipped just like on the second week of shooting.  I let out a series of giggles as Ben leaned forward and kissed me doing that famous kiss dip pose.

*Extended ending*

I rubbed my eyes and stretched my arms out before turning to my right and felt the familiar piece of cardboard lying beside me.  My eyes shot open and I let out a groan as I muttered.

“Oh you’ve gotta be kidding me.” I clicked my tongue once before saying to Cardboard Ben, “Hi, yeah hi, yes. I know you always gotta come back here. But listen up okay, you listen to me mister.” I pointed to him.  “I get it, okay I know you must feel some kind of physical chemistry for me, for whatever reason and we’re only human…..Well I’m only human. But this can’t happen anymore, okay? I’m sorry, goodbye.” I turned to my left and that’s where the real Ben Hardy was lying.

Both his hands resting behind his head, the top of my head just barely grazing his strong bicep.

“Oh my god—” I squeaked out.

“Hey baby girl.” He cooed out.

“Hi.” I said bashfully.  I hummed awkwardly before saying, “You good?”

“Yeah I’m great.” He said as he pulled me closer to him, my head now resting on his chest.  I felt my face heat up and I’m pretty sure I was blushing as red as a lobster if not a rose right about now.

“Good.” I squeaked out.  Ben kissed my forehead and hummed as his nose stayed at the crown of my head.  “Uhh Ben,”

“Hmm?”

“What about umm…..” I gestured towards Cardy B. Ben looked at the cardboard cutout of himself and said.

“Sorry mate, she’s taken.” It was then reached over and flung Cardy Ben out of the bed.  I looked up at him and he looked down at me.  I grabbed the top of the sheets and as Ben bit his lip, I pulled the sheet over us covering us from view and that’s when we heard Joe say.

“Did you have to fling him off the bed?”

“He was eyeing her for too long.” Said Ben as he pulled me closer to him and we kissed each other.

“Alright keep it PG you two.”

“You started this Joe, and now you must suffer by letting it run its course!” I cried out.  Ben and I then began to ruffle the sheets making it seem like we were fooling around as I let out a few lustful moans.

“Augh gross! I’m not continuing with this anymore!” We then heard the door shut and both Ben and I poked our heads out from the blanket and I said,

“Think he bought it?”

“Well one way to find out.” He pulled me close to him and I felt his face bury into my neck.  I giggled as he began to kiss up and down my neck.

“Ben…..that tickles!”

“Oh really? Does it tickle when I do this?” I then felt his fingers dig into my sides which made me squirm even more.  He got on top of me still continuing his ticklish assault as I begged him to stop while trying to shove his hands away from my sides.  He ceased his attack and said with a grin, “Say please.”

“Please.”

“Now say uncle.”

“Uncle.” I giggled out.  He smiled down at me before capturing my lips with his in a soft and loving kiss.  I wrapped my arms around his neck bringing him closer.  

Our kiss got deeper and more passionate until the need for air became a problem. As we separated, we stared into each other’s eyes and I said breathlessly.

“How did I ever get so lucky?”

“I should be asking you that my love.” He kissed my brow and lay back down on his back. I crawled up onto his chest and lay my head over his heart while his arms wrapped around me and I felt his hand stroke down my hair.  I felt him kiss the crown of my head and I heard him humming “Somebody to love” I smiled and said.

“You know that’s Joe’s song right?”

“Yeah, but it’s also your song. You did say that Somebody to love was the first Queen song you sang at your school’s karaoke.”

“How do you remember that? We were drunk when I confessed that.”

“Even shitfaced I’d still remember what you’d say.” I awed at him and nuzzled into his chest and felt him kiss my head again.  “I love you (y/n).”

“I love you too Ben.” We pecked each other’s lips gingerly and just stayed in bed for the rest of the day cuddling, watching Netflix and of course Ben had to start another tickle fight the sneaky bastard.

But I’m happy to finally say that all because of getting lessons from a cardboard cutout and the persistence of a true friend, I finally got the man of my dreams.

#bohemian rhapsody #bohemian rhapsody movie #bohemian rhapsody imagines #bohemian rhapsody x reader #borhap boys #borhap cast imagine #joe mazzello #ben hardy #ben hardy imagines #ben hardy imagine #ben hardy x reader #joe mazzello imagines #joe mazzello x reader #joe mazzello imagine #gwilym lee #rami malek #queen #queen fanfic #queen imagine

[thechanelmuse]

The notable Ruth E. Carter finally won her beyond deserved Oscar at the 91st Annual Academy Awards for Best Costume. She’s been putting in work for over 30 years. Her first big break was working as a costume designer for Spike Lee’s 1988 film, School Daze. 

Below is an excerpt from Spike Lee’s behind-the-scenes book, Uplift the Race: The Construction of School Daze, about Ruth sneakily and frantically trying to recover a missing piece of costume. We all have a beginning story:

Ruth E. Carter: Towards the end, I think it was the last week, it was like the day before the last day of shooting with Kyme and Larry’s love scene, I packed some things to send home and Kyme’s sweater got packed.

Patrice Johnson (Assistant Costumer): We got to the set to see how everything was going as usual at five o’clock everything was going just fine. Come five-oh-five Ruth gets this hysterical look in her eyes. She said, “The sweater, we need it tomorrow.” It didn’t click at first. Then I said, “Oh, my God, this is it. This is it, it’s over”—because it’s in a box, it’s at airfreight, or it’s in L.A., in which case Ruth had to go to L.A. That was it—no either way—no one could know. No one could know.

Ruth: We were selling everything. Everybody was buying stuff when we had our list. You know, we were organized. It wasn’t like we were just selling things at random, but the sweater was a big controversy from the beginning—when we were going to use it or not for that scene. But we were, because they walk from one scene to another and she has that on. So it was written down, it was just one of those wild things. So I got on the phone and called the air freight people to try and get this sweater back. Well, when I first called he said, “Oh, yeah, I think the boxes are still here. Let me look in the back and I’ll call you.“

Yeah, that was before they knew that it was like flying out of Atlanta to L.A. He called me back and he said, “I’m sorry.“ I said, “Well you have to get that sweater. I mean it’s really a life-and-death matter. I mean, it’s my life here.“ All I could picture was Jennifer, my wardrobe person, flying off the handle—which she always did—and Spike coming up to me and saying, “Well, what happened?“ and me having to tell the truth and fess up that I packed sweater.

Patrice: It with a bloody mistake, we couldn’t let anybody in the wardrobe department now… because we had the Panic Patrol, that was Jennifer. And for the Panic Patrol, no matter what happened, it rained that day, they would say, “Oh, no, and now it’s raining.“

Ruth: They would panic about everything. So anyway, he called me back, and he said there was no way, you know, that I can have it. So after I said it’s a life-or-death matter, he told me that he would call his supervisor and find out if he could get it off the belt or something like that.

Patrice: But it was a very rare chance—this had never happened before…

Ruth: Right, it was just like all arrows pointing at me—”You fucked up. You know it. Deal with it. Think of what you’re gonna do now.“ I mean, it was like one of those items that’s hard to replace—it’s not like we bought it out of the store. We had it made. So anyway, he said, “Okay, my supervisor has authorized me to take this off the belt, but you have to have the person with you who signed the check. I mean, signed the freight slip.“ Since Robi and I were sending things together, she had signed it. So it was a good thing that she was with Patrice and Jeffrey Cooper (a PA), who was driving. The airfreight man said, “You gotta get here by nine,“ and they weren’t back yet—and it was eight o’clock, well, maybe a quarter to eight. So I met them coming in the driveway, jumping up and down… with my hands in their

Patrice: ...saying, “You have to go to airfreight, you have to go to airfreight,” and Jeff said, “Okay, I can take you. Where is it?”

Ruth: I swear, we were in the south of Atlanta, this place was way out. I mean hills, valleys, the whole bit. And here we were driving frantically, like ninety miles an hour. It started to rain and thunder and it was dark. So we were like going someplace for the first time and started to get lost. We were stopping at places, running into stores—only place that was open was this Asian gift store. The lady in there gave me perfect directions, but we still couldn’t find a place.

Patrice: We got really lost.

Ruth: So then it’s about a quarter to nine, and I said, “We’ve got to call the freight company. They’ll think we don’t need anymore—they’re going home at nine.”

Patrice: Suicide.

Ruth: We stop at this payphone and it’s hard to hear and there are like Mack trucks going by, a million of them, and you can’t hear and the guy says that he will meet us at the convenience store that we were at and drive us back. Anyway, so he drives us over there, the box was there, and we go through it, and I had other little things that I had, you know, packed and stuff, like little T-shirts and stuff, and I was just given the whole staff gifts and…

Patrice: She said, “I’ll give you anything, I’ll give you anything—if you can just get this sweater. We’re doing a movie; we’ve got all the kinds of stuff I can give you—here’s pajamas. Do you want pajamas?” It was so funny.

Ruth: So it worked out, but by the skin of our teeth. It was like the most...harried moment of the whole shoot.

Stay committed.

#so funny that i've been reading all of spikes books for the month of february #both him and ruth won #go figure #ruth e. carter #spike lee #patrice johnson #school daze

[paradisobound]

I Want It, I Got It: Chapter 1

Summary: Phil Lester was a worker for the BBC in London. Working in the advertising department, he was content being alongside his friend and fellow coworker PJ during every shift. However, the BBC is temporarily being used as a film set for a new movie staring Hollywood ‘It’ star, Daniel Howell. Being stuck as an extra on the set, Phil finds it’s hard to ignore the famous star. And maybe, just maybe, Dan finds it hard to ignore Phil as well.

Word Count: 1.8k (this chapter)

Warnings: Occasional swearing

Rating: Mature (for right now)

A/N: Ahh look at me. Starting another chaptered fic. Remember how I said a while ago that I hoped to have a fic to begin posting by Valentines Day? Well, this isn’t the fic. But I’ll take it lol I know I have a very bad track record lately of completing what I’ve started but I have 10k written on this fic already so I’m set for the next like five weeks which gives me plenty of time to finish the fic! Every one when I asked wanted this fic and I’m so glad because I’ve really grown to fall in love with it!

As always: I’m not an expert, nor a movie star or anything, so I’m not saying any of this accurate. I just thought this might be how it goes. But I hope you all enjoy it anyway! Happy reading!

Updates will be every Sunday at 1pm EST until I have the fic finished and then it’ll be twice weekly

**Masterlist | Read on Ao3**

“Dear Workers,

The BBC Studio will be closed for the next week to accommodate the filming of a new featured film starring Daniel Howell and Mimei Lake. During this time, you will have to work from home on any projects you may be in the middle of. A select few of you will be asked to work on the set as extras for the film. We’ll email those we selected by the end of tomorrow.

Hope this isn’t a hassle and apologies for any inconveniences.

Corporate”

****

“Did you read the new email?” Phil turned his head to his friend PJ sitting next to him in their office. “They’re actually closing down the whole building just to film a few scenes for one movie.”

Phil, coffee in hand and his laptop open to said same email, sighed. “It’s a Daniel Howell movie. Of course they’re shutting down the entire building.”

PJ rolled his eyes. Everyone knew of Daniel Howell. He was only the biggest actor in Hollywood right now. But that didn’t mean that everyone shared in on the fangirling when it came to his name being mentioned. “The BBC is gonna be untouchable all next week. I don’t even wanna know how many girls and guys are going to flock here to meet him.”

“He doesn’t do photos and autographs though?” Phil brought up, setting his mug on the table and shutting his laptop down. His work was nearly done anyway for the day.

“Still never stops the fans.” PJ says, tipping his head. “He’ll mention he’s in London on his Instagram or Twitter and then it’ll be over.”

Phil nodded. Yeah, that sounds pretty much correct. “Fair enough.”

“Who do you think they selected to work on set?” PJ asked. “I reckon they chose some of the interns because that they don’t have to pay them.”

“I hope it’s not me.” Phil says immediately. “God, the less I have to be here during this time, the better.”

“It’s gonna be impossible to even get here.” PJ adds. “They’re gonna block off all of the streets to accommodate Daniel’s massive trailer that he lugs everywhere.”

“I don’t even want to imagine.” Phil says. “I’d much rather just stay in my flat with Spike and work on my laptop.”

PJ nodded in agreement.

Just as PJ began to speak again, the door to their office opened and their coworker Gemma walked in, her expression giddy and a smile plastered on her lips. “Did you two see the email?”

Both PJ and Phil nodded.

“How are you both not more excited about this?” Gemma exclaimed. “Daniel freaking Howell is gonna be walking around our building! He could sit in your chair right now. Or use my office as a set. Or—”

“He’s just another person.” Phil interrupted her.

“But he’s not though!” Gemma shot back with a smile. “Oh, you two don’t get it.” She waved her hand and walked further into the office. She pulled out a chair at the desk next to Phil and plopped down.

“There isn’t much to get.” PJ countered. “He’s just a bloke who happens to be good looking and also a major celebrity.”

“So you do get it!” Gemma pointed out. “I really hope I’m one of the ones corporate selected to work on set as an extra. I would give anything to stand in the same room as Daniel Howell.”

“They’re probably just going to choose interns.” Phil says. “I doubt they’ll choose any of their paid employees.”

“I wonder if I email corporate if they’ll bump my name on the list and I can do it.”

Pj shrugged and tapped his pen against his forehead. “Doesn’t hurt if you really want to do it.”

“I’m steering clear of this building while he’s here.” Phil comments, picking up his now ice cold coffee mug and taking a sip, cringing at the taste of it.

“What do you have against Daniel Howell?” Gemma asks, folding her arms over her chest.

“He’s just another celebrity.” Phil says. “He’s pretentious and rude.”

“You don’t know that.”

Phil rolled his eyes. “It’s common knowledge.”

“What? That every celebrity is a dick?” Gemma asked, her voice clearly laced with tension. “Isn’t that a bit shallow minded?”

Phil shrugged. “Change my mind but until then, I’m gonna stand by it. I doubt any celebrity like Daniel Howell is down to Earth.”

Gemma scoffed. “Well, I for one think that it would be brilliant to work alongside him.”

Phil chuckled and took another sip of his cold coffee. He definitely didn’t want to work alongside Daniel Howell but he had to admit that it was endearing to see Gemma swooning over the actor.

Once Gemma left, Phil began to pick up his things and prepare to go home for the night. He stuffed his laptop in his backpack and then through in some of the folders he needed to complete the advertising project he was assigned to do for the BBC Radio 1 show.

He and PJ left the BBC at the same time and headed to the tube to go back to their flats. They lived in opposite areas of London but they saw each other often outside of work.

When Phil got to his flat and he opened the door with his key, he was immediately greeted by the excited yips of his puppy Spike. He was a ten month old Corgi that Phil adopted as a puppy. Spike kept him busy and less-lonely on nights where he wished he wasn’t thirty one and hopelessly single.

He bent down and scratched Spike’s belly as he rolled around on his carpet from excitement. Phil eventually stopped petting Spike long enough to go to the kitchen and check his food bowl and water. He knew his brother came over sometimes to let out Spike while he was at work so he sometimes fills up his food and water.

Today was one of those days. His food bowl was heaping over and his water was clean and clear. Martyn just came over not that long ago then. He made a mental note to text Martyn but in the mean time, he called Spike over to his door that lead to the courtyard and hooked a leash on his collar to take him outside one more time for good measure.

After being done, Phil let Spike go back into the flat. He immediately ran over and flopped onto his bed next to the couch and closed his eyes to take a nap. Phil sat down on the couch and looked over his phone, catching up on any notifications he might have missed while he was on his way home.

He saw a notification for an email and he sighed. It was probably some junk mail that some store was sending him. He got them a lot from Topman but to be fair, that’s where his entire wardrobe comes from.

He unlocked his phone and clicked on the email notification and waited to load it up. Once it did, he felt all breath leave his chest.

“To: Philip M. Lester.

Good Evening! If you have seen our emails from this morning you would have seen that the BBC will be closed for the filming of a feature film. Effectively 15th of January at 10pm until 9am on 25th of January, the BBC offices and building will be closed for filming.

However, after careful consideration, we would appreciate your help at the BBC during filming as a film extra. You should report to the BBC by half past 7 on the 15th of January.

If you have any question, email us back. This is part of your scheduled job and you will need to report when assigned.

Corporate”

Phil laid down on the couch and groaned.

Of course his luck would have it this way. Of fucking course this would happen.

***

“So we both got stuck coming didn’t we?”

Phil looked at PJ, his eyes still blurry from having to wake up so early. He didn’t even bother to put his contacts in today, he just threw on his glasses and said forget it.

“Guess so.” Phil says, standing beside PJ on the tube. Their stop was the next one. In the morning, they always ended up on the same tube before they got to the BBC. “This is going to be a disaster.”

“It already is.” PJ answers. “Did you go on Twitter this morning?”

Phil shook his head and pulled his phone out of his pocket. But he should have known he wouldn’t have any service while on the underground.

“It was a Twitter moment that Daniel Howell was spotted in London about to begin filming. He also tweeted, in true form, that he was going to be in London for a few weeks.”

“Oh great.” Phil said, rolling his eyes. “So what you mean is that the BBC is gonna be like impenetrable force?”

“Yep.”

Phil sighed and the tube stopped, the doors opening. They stepped outside and wandered through the crowds to the exit. Once they walked out of the tube station, it was over. They saw the crowds beginning already. Hoards of teenagers and even some adults all screaming and holding signs behind a barrier of police.

“Oh my gosh.” Phil exclaimed. “This is absolute madness!”

“Well, here we go, Lad.” PJ said, hooking his arm with Phil’s and yanking him across the street to the main entrance of the BBC.

They were nearly there when they were stopped by police, asking what they were doing. As soon as they both flashed their BBC badges, they were let inside to even more madness going on.

People were running around everywhere. There were sections of the building completely taped off and there were offices on the first floor that were being blocked by people in front of the door.

They continued walking inside and were greeted by a woman with a clipboard. “Can I get your names?”

“PJ Ligouri.”

“Phil Lester.”

The woman looked over the clipboard and smiled and looked at them both. “Welcome! If you’ll follow me, I’ll take you to where you need to be.”

Just as they were about to walk and follow the woman, loud cheering and screaming began behind them, just outside the building. Looking out the door, Phil could see him.

Next Chapter

#Phan #phanfic #Phanfiction #au #famous!dan #moviestar!dan #normal!phil #princesslexi763fics

[meanwhileinoz]

911 Operators Share Ridiculously Stupid Calls Ever Received That Are Too Funny To Read

911 is a guarantee of safety

You have an emergency, you call 911 and a police officer will be there soon. It means that the moment you hit those three digits on your phone and call, you will be safe. To avoid people thinking that they can handle it themselves, we often tell ourselves that 911 can handle any emergency.

It would seem that we did it too well. A lot of people call the emergency help line for very peculiar and almost dumb reasons. Some are even heartwarming. But either way, just kick back, relax, and read these amazing conversations.

#1

Not an operator, but my boyfriend who called in. He usually worked a late shift, walking home about 2 am. This shift he got off work a few hours late… BF: I’d like to call and report a fire. [We live in a fire prone area and it was the season.] 911: Where is it located sir? BF: On the hillside just East of [City]. 911: Can you be more specific? [Typing away in the background.] BF: Yes, [gives a more detailed location]. Oh god, it’s getting bigger! The whole top of the hill is on fire now! 911: Stay calm sir, we’re sending somebody out. BF: It’s getting bigger! Doesn’t anybody else see this?! It’s lighting up the sky around it…it’s huge! Oh god! Oh…oh, wait… 911: Sir? BF: I am SO sorry…I’m not usually out this time of night, I just got off work late…that’s, that’s the sun… 911: … BF: I am so, so sorry for wasting your time, there is no fire, that’s just the sun rising. Never mind. I’m really embarrassed… 911: That’s fine, Sir. I will cancel the call, thank you for calling.

LunarBerries

#2

Had another woman call saying her cat was stuck in a tree. I just knew she wanted the fire department to come save the cat, so I got my “that’s only in movies/TV” speech ready. Then she said “…so my husband climbed up to get the cat and now he’s stuck too.”

arjayim

#3

A quite pregnant (don’t remember exactly how far along, but definitely past 30 weeks) woman calls to say that her doctor told her to refrain from having sex for the rest of the pregnancy and she didn’t understand why. I looked at her file, and saw she was having pre-term contractions, so I explained that sexual activity can cause contractions, so it was safer to abstain so the baby could stay inside as long as possible. She tearfully exclaims, “But how will I feed the baby?!?” Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, could you repeat that?” Patient: “How will I feed the baby if I can’t have sex?!?” The patient was convinced that her baby was living off of her boyfriend’s semen, and that it would starve if they stopped having sex. I explained about the umbilical cord, etc. but she refused to believe me until I asked her about single moms, lesbian moms, etc. and asked how she though their babies fed and grew. After a moment of silence, she thanked me, and started to hang up the phone, but not before I heard her screaming her boyfriends name. That man had a good thing going for a while there. I honestly wasn’t sure if I felt more sorry for him, or a baby growing up in that household.

nursejacqueline

Just after I got cut loose from training, I received a priority one (meaning immediate response) animal ordinance call. Usually, this call is reserved for animals in traffic or vicious animals, where there is the potential for immediate threat to life. The reporting party was a parent attending a school function. Caller advised there was a raccoon loose in the school. I dispatched two officers to the call and they made it on scene. The officer then broadcasts the “suspect” description via radio. “Suspect is small, fast, and wearing a bandit mask. May have robbed a couple of trash cans. We lost him in a foot pursuit.”

infinibelle

One woman called because she thought her house was being shot at. Turns out she forgot about her eggs boiling on the stove and they exploded. I wanted to give her a hug though, she was just a little old lady.

mayaseye

A woman dialled 999 to say there were men in her house trying to take her away. The men in question were police officers who had come to arrest her

MrBarwell

One guy called FRANTICALLY saying that he saw the dead body of a young woman, early 20s, wearing nothing but shorts. He gave a detailed description, hair color, skin color, body position, the whole bit and said she was by the side of the interstate (in the middle of an affluent suburban area at rush hour) so we figured this had to be a really fresh crime scene. We started scrambling together officers to get there ASAP, a big hassle considering it’s rush hour and they’re all dealing with accidents and stuff like that. On top of that, we can’t say what the issue is on the radio is because we have too many busibodies who monitor police radio, then call us to try to get juicy details, or othewise meddle. So we have to get these officers to their cars to read the computer, leaving other issues, etc. And these are suburban cops in the Midwest, a murder is a damn big deal. The guy calls back a few minutes later. “Uh, I checked again, it’s a dead deer.” Peeved, I announce on the radio that the trip is cancelled, “it was a deer”. An officer sarcastically calls back: “With shorts on?”

fludru

The best story I have is a guy who called about a bobcat in front of the library. He called up out of breath and said there was a wild cat intimidating people so they could not enter or exit the building. I was fairly close so I started to run over. I asked if anyone was injured and he said no. I was expecting a group of people held up at the entrance by a huge cat hissing at everyone. I told him to keep away from it and stay on the line. When I got there I found a tabby cat perched on a bench. I verified the caller and the cat he called about. I went over to the cat with him and started pet him, he rolled over and let me scratch his belly. The guy was shocked and said “oh, someone has domesticated it.”

miraclerandy

“911, what is the address of the emergency?” “I need an ambulance” “What’s going on?” “I just, I need an ambulance” “Can you tell me why?” “My dick is stuck in the wall OKAY?!” “Please stay on the line for Fire/Rescue”

AweBeyCon

Me: 911, where do you need assistance? Drunk guy: At the convenient store. This guy won’t sell me beer. Me: Ok, why not? Drunk guy: I can’t show him my ID because I am not 21. Me: Without an ID the clerk can not sell to you, especially if you are under age. Drunk Guy: But other clerks let me bribe them before. I told him that and he still won’t take my bribe and sell to me. Make him take the bribe! Me: We won’t force the clerk to accept your bribe. And definitely won’t let him sell to a minor. Do you want to wait there and I can have an officer come talk to you in person? Drunk Guy: Yea, I will sit outside and wait for you.

Venethos

Not a 911 operator, but I do work for a kids helpline. I recently got a call from a panicked 11-year-old boy who thought he had locked himself in a wardrobe while home alone. I was on the phone with him for a while before I suggested sliding the door instead of pushing it out like you would when entering or exiting a room. I heard a few sniffles on the other end of the line and then a quiet “Oh yeah, I forgot the door went like that.”

labyrinthiner

Paramedic here, Once we had a young woman call 911 around 2am saying that her legs were turning blue. Turns out she had worn a new pair of jeans to the club that night.

Buzkill

One of my personal favorites was someone who called and it went like this: “I know this is not an emergency, but there is a person in a giant monkey suit running down the road humping all the fire hydrants” I had to hold back my laughing as best I could – turns out he was right, when I sent the police there there was a kid in a monkey costume humping every hydrant he came across.

Beer_

I’m not a dispatcher, but back in my EMS days I was dispatched on a call of a child being poisoned. Upon our arrival we find a 14 year old male and his mother. The mother was insisting we take them to the hospital so he could have his stomach pumped because he had swallowed chewing gum. The child was looking at us as if to say, “I’m sorry my mother is crazy.” One year later, same address, same family, called for poisoning. Upon arrival we find the same kid and mother. The mother wanted to be taken to the hospital because the kid had admitted to his mother that he had taken a hit of marijuana when he was visiting friends the week before. The kid had the same look on his face.

EdwardStarsmith

Guy who called to swear out a complaint against his roommate because the guy stole his heroin. Yes, they both got a ride.

legotech

Long story short. Helped a little girl do her math homework.

Foreversingleandsad

My uncle was a dispatcher in a suburb of Minneapolis/St.Paul, and would tell me stories whenever I saw him. My favorite goes like this: Uncle: 911, what’s your emergency? Caller: Yes, I’d like to report two suspicious vehicles passing something back and forth in Potawatomi park. Uncle: Ok, we’ll send an officer out to assess. Uncle: Dispatch to car 45, two suspicious vehicles in Potawatomi park, passing items back and forth. Car 45: Uhhh…car 45 to dispatch, that’s me and Officer Somethingerother, passing Cheetos… Uncle: 10-4

Igoe_yougo

One woman called saying that every time she went outside the frogs said mmm pussy.

mayaseye

One time, some guy called 911 because he had multiple women in his bed that he didn’t know and who refused to leave.

HeyDep

“911, what’s your emergency?” “THERE IS A GODDAMN ROCK ON MY LAWN. A ROCK.” “Um… A rock?” “DID YOU NOT F*CKING HEAR ME? THERE IS A ROCK ON MY LAWN. SOMEONE DID THIS ON PURPOSE. A GODDAMN ROCK IN MY LAWN. I HAD TO DRIVE AROUND IT ON MY LAWNMOWER. A GODDAMN ROCK.” “What’s your address?” “You’re f*cking 911 and you don’t know my goddamn address? What the f*ck are my taxes paying you for? F*cking useless. Goddamn rock.” “Sir, what is your address?” “LOOK AT ME ON GOOGLE EARTH YOU CAN SEE ME BECAUSE THERES A GODDAMN ROCK IN MY LAWN!” At this point, the map finally correlated with his location and he was in the next county. I let them deal with it. I don’t know how it turned out.

reineluxe

I’ve had someone call 911 to wish me a merry xmas when I was working at 3am on on Christmas Morning.

Stepside79

A friend who used to be a police operator once told me she had a hysterical call from a Chinese lady, who was unintelligible but clearly distressed. They sent an officer round, apparently she’d found a hedgehog in her garden and had no f*cking clue what it was – assumed it was an alien or something and freaked out.

blinky84

Me: “911. What is the address of your emergency?” Caller: “Turtles…in Georgia” M: “Yes, ma’am. Turtles are an indigenous species to the state of Georgia.” C: “Really?” M: “Yes, ma’am.” C: “Huh. Well what do you do when there is one in your yard?” M: “Leave it alone.” C: “It’s driving my dogs crazy!” M: “Is the turtle endangering your dogs?” C: “No.” M: “Are the dogs endangering the turtle?” C: “No. They’re on the other side of the fence.” M: “Well then just leave the turtle alone and he’ll go along on his merry turtle way.” C: “Ok. I guess so.”

IcebergSlimD

Caller: A deer just swam across the river behind my house. Me: Okay? Caller: Well I am worried it might be cold. Me:…….Well there is nothing we can do about a deer being cold. Didn’t it run off after swinning the river? Caller: Yes. Me: Well ma’am it’s a wild animal and I’d guess it’s going to be fine. Caller: ok

NodePoker

“I want to report an attempt murder. I asked them not to put mushrooms on my pizza, as I’m allergic and they forgot, so it’s attempted murder”

EccentricCock

Someone called 911 about a “machine gun mounted on a car”. It was the Google maps car…

CoonCreek

6:30 Christmas morning. 9-1-1 goes off. “9-1-1. what’s your emergency?” Breathless, panicky voice “How do I get the cranberry sauce out of the can without it coming out in chunks?” “Open the other end and slide it out on a plate.” “OH! THANK YOU! You are brilliant!” I wasn’t considered so brilliant once I had to dispatch an officer over there to educate her on proper 9-1-1 usage. Merry Christmas, here’s your citation. source: 4 years as 9-1-1 dispatcher/supervisor in rural Alaska

malloryparker

Got a call from a man that someone vandalized his snowman.

jwagg82

My mom is a 911 operator, she gets some insanely stupid calls. I remember a few years ago, there was a huge pileup involving several cars and fatalities. Clearly it caused miles of traffic. A woman called 911, insisting that she get escorted out of the traffic by a trooper, because she “had to get home”, and it was “ridiculous that she should be stuck like that”. Like, people are dead, lady, sorry you’re not gonna make it home for Jeopardy.

ddeevv

Also had one a couple of years ago where a dad called to ask for an ambulance because his 17 yr old daughter had a candle stuck up her anus. He tried to explain that she said she had gotten out of the shower and slipped and fell “butthole first” onto the candle… Medics said they found KY jelly with the candle so I think we all know what was going on there.

flipit2mute

Entitled rich brat demanding an officer drive her back home because she spent her travel money partying; she felt since her father was a well-known surgeon, and a “higher taxpayer” she should get a break and get a ride. I told her no and hung up on her.

milkcustard

Guy calling to argue that his crystal meth is legal because he made it with store-brought products with his own hard-earned money.

milkcustard

Caller: My boyfriend took my dog! Me: And why’d he do that? Caller: Because he’s an asshole! Me: No, I mean what possessed him to take the animal? Caller: Cause he’s a f*cker! Me: …… Why does he have the dog… Caller: Cause he’s a piece of shit! Me: ……… Alright, I’ll send an officer out to talk to you.

Rodge_Von_Dicksonbut

Had a guy call asking if it was legal to shoot his neighbor because his hedges were hanging over his property and he considered it tresspassing.

Reddit

I had someone a few months ago call 911 to ask if a tablespoon was the big spoon or the little one.

Dues1987

Got a call from a guy wanting the police to come to his address because the guy he sold a bag of weed to wouldn’t pay him Gave me his name, address and date of birth and the name, address and phone number of the other guy as well. Both got a visit from unit soon afterwards.

Cameron McManus

I have been in the 911 biz for over 22 years. If a caller starts the call with “I swear I’m not crazy” then you need to buckle up for some insanity. A guy started a call with those words after escaping from his apartment and running to the closest 7-11. He swore that his roommates were turning into giant crabs. The was going to show the officers that they were currently in giant cocoons transforming. As you might expect he was tripping balls.

erczilla

Had a drunk person call to report he was being harassed. Truth was….. He was being arrested by our officers for throwing pizza at people. All I heard in the background was one of my officers saying to him “that better not be our dispatcher on the phone” followed by some muffled talking and my officer taking the phone and saying “he will be taking a ride with us now” and hung up.

tkokilroy

Me: 911, Whats your emergency? Lady: My smoke detector is going off, and I think there is a HAZMAT GOING ON! Me: Is there fire or smoke in your home? Lady: No Me: Is it chirping? Maybe it’s a low battery sound? Lady: No! Me: Did you damage the detector at all? Lady: NO!!! I took it off the ceiling, unplugged the hard wires and took out the battery….It’s still alarming! Me: Ma’am how is that possible? You are telling me that it it’s alarming with no power source…? And what were you mentioning about a Hazmat? Lady: UGH!!!! THE NUCLEAR POWER SOURCE, DO TO MERCURY INJECTION FROM THE POWER PLANT IN THIS DETECTOR, IS MAKING THIS THING GO OFF! IT WONT STOP! HEAR! HAVE A LISTEN! Me: ….(hears no sound but her heavy breathing)…. Lady: I WANT TO TALK TO THE KING NUCLEAR EMPORER HOMER SIMPSON OF SPRINGFIELD. Me: …(Holds mic away from face laughs uncontrollably)… Lady: HELLO!? SIR!? ARE YOU LISTENING?!?! Me: Yes ma’am, total emergency, the Fire Department is on the way to help assist you… Night shift at 911 always got the best calls.

WDer

Caller: I’ve been poisoned. Me: Ok, we’re sending an ambulance. Tell me what happened. Caller: I’ve overdosed Me: What did you take? Caller: Pot Me: Marijuana? Caller: Yes. I’m dying. Please hurry. Turns out. She was just super high.

throwitallawayyy2016

http://ift.tt/2eGyCYR

#ENTERTAINMENT