#then what am I even doing here man

[doedipus]

I feel like the main reason I'm still doing TO shit is that I wouldn't have much of a sense of purpose or routine otherwise, but like honestly more often than not it's not really rewarding at all and I'm typically totally checked out after an hour. so like there's probably a good argument that I should just bounce but I would go insane if I wasn't able to trick myself into not feeling like a neet for one night a week

it really can't be overstated how much ESA turning me down and then subsequently imploding has taken the wind out of my sails with this stuff, and beyond that I perpetually feel like an outsider within the community. I don't need to be besties with people but some level of recognition that I exist and put time into these things would be nice. like it's petty as hell but it always feels really bad that none of the players ever even think to ping me when they have a technical issue or something. idk what proportion of it is just not being on twitter vs. not being very assertive vs. being a weird faggot lurking around the scene, but it's really depressing.

#it honestly goes for playing these games too #the esa saga the experience at the local and the general emptiness of volunteering for wwgg are just crushing #like if there's no social connection and no on ramp to employment and not even a boost to twitch revenue #then what am I even doing here man #but I know that if I left my mental health would start spiraling immediately

[inkskinned]

the problem is that being single is seen as the consolidation prize, and not the natural neutral state of being-a-person. at the end of the movie or the book or the poetry, there is a person waiting for you at the altar, and they love you. if the play is a comedy, everyone gets married. the metaphor is about how you are not-whole. the metaphor is about how everyone is going to be happily-ever-after. the metaphor is that romantic love is the most important resource on the planet, not just all-love. all-love is not a thing, that is a disappointment. the treasure is not the friends we made along the way. the treasure is the girl you landed.

the metaphor is that you cannot be alone, that means you are broken. are you getting over someone? that is acceptable, you can be getting over someone, but not for long. you must be single because you would rather not be single. you must be single and looking to not-be-single. you must want to date, eventually.

friendship and community are never seen as being equal-to or even-better than romantic connection. that person is your one! you need to find them. you need to hunt through the sand particles until you can shift out some kind of gem. this is regardless to your own experience of the beach and the sun. you need to be somewhere with someone.

if you are taking this time alone to heal, that is so sad. everyone gives you this little pitying look. the understanding is that you are not actually happier than you were before you were single. it is seen as a sort of pity - oh, you are choosing yourself, making yourself the priority? - that isn't quite right. you must mean that you are making yourself ready for the right person. you are just laying the bed better this time. open up your heart. you'll find them, we promise!

what do you mean you're really-truly genuinely-very happy? you are probably misremembering what it was like to be in a relationship. and besides, once you meet your person, that time will look grey and bland and wasted. your person is the only way for you to see in color. so what if you have taken this time - for the first time in your entire life - to actually-for-real do the fucking work. you can be proud of yourself, sure. but the way we need to know that you got better is that you get a partner. you're healed enough for the next bad part!

people don't choose to be single, they just say they're choosing to be single - they actually mean "nobody wants to date me." it doesn't matter how many people you have gently rejected or how many times you've talked it over carefully in therapy. what matters is that you are single, and by all accounts - that means you are something worth our pity. your successes and life all seem pale in the sunlight. sure, you have done amazing things and finally found your way in life. what matters is that there wasn't a person in the room with you while you did it.

you want to tell them - that's the whole thing. i didn't know how to be alone in the room. i didn't know how to handle the silence. every moment was so sharp, and i kept choosing the wrong way to close the door. i have spent my entire life in the empty well, living in the ricochet of someone else's cruelty. for once i have built myself a ladder. for once everything i taste is all mine, every bite of sunshine and laughter. i have learned how to sleep out in the open with my memories. recently, they have started to purr.

your father rolls his eyes. listen. this isn't about you. i just want a grandchild in my future.

#writeblr #i actually didn't want a girlfriend before nat #and my dad recently said to me - raquel. i don't approve of the promiscuity #1. i am 30. #2. i had casually dated about 4 people over 18 months. #3. i do believe he was just mad that i get more girls than he ever did #i had to look this 60 yr old deacon in the eye and say. okay so i have a girlfriend first of all im just not tellin yall about her #and secondly. #OKAY???? OLD MAN I DONT EVEN LIVE HERE WHAT ARE U GONNA DO ABOUT IT #briefly considered asking nat if i could pretend we were a one night stand kind of a thing

[bakudekublogblog]

talking to normal people about mha is always so enlightening because someone told me they didn't like season six and i was like???? THE BIBLE??????? YOU DONT LIKE THE BIBLE??? BAKUGOU KATSUKI RISING?? THE APOLOGY??? THE CHASING AFTER HIM TO FIGHT SHIGARAKI, THE REVEAL KATSUKI HAS BEEN WORRIED ABOUT IZUKU, IZUKU'S FERAL RAGE WHEN KATSUKI IS STABBED, KATSUKI BEING THE ONE TO FIND IZUKU AND THEN THE ONE TO BRING HIM HOME??? YOU DONT ENJOY THE SACRED TEXTS?? and then i'm like oh right not everyone is a fujoshi high on that sweet, sweet bkdk yaoi

#bkdk #bakudeku #it took all of my willpower not to be like my brother in christ i'm a fujo i'm gonna like anything that bkdk appears in #i'm not here for the powerscaling or the pacing or if they should be third years #i tried to say it like “oh lol i know everything that's gonna happen hhaha i am one of the crazies who stays up for leaks” #but i wanted to be like listen man i'm really only here for the homoeroticism idc about whatever it is youre talking about #not that i dont love mha as a whole i think it's got such a fun sandbox world and cast #it just feels like someone being like omg tell me if that new restaurant is good #and i'm like what the fuck i'm in the kitchen doing cocaine with the cooks #i was a waitress i'm allowed to say this #like we are not consuming the same thing #i'm in the goddamn trenches my emotional state depends on how homoerotic mha is gonna be #i'm in the deep underbelly of bkdk hands and soulmates and yearning i dont even know what you're talking about #i like mha an annoying amount #i wanted to be like remember when i came into work skipping and singing that was because we got bkdk sunset/ptsd scene #i'm a little freak goblin dont ask me if it's good i dont care that it's good I CARE THAT ITS MINE but also fuck you its good #it's the best fuck off if you dont like it you arent worthy of it #hori this is why you should give in and make bkdk canon the fujos are the ones who really love you

[luck-of-the-drawings]

[OLD ART ALERT] A COLLECTION OF SCENES FROM THE GILLIONS CATSCRATCH ARC THAT BROUGHT ME GREAT JOY. i love fishy chips especially when its just gillion being delirious and violent and hostile

#jrwi fanart #jrwi show #jrwi riptide #jrwi riptide spoilers #JUST NOTICED A MILLION MISTAKES FUUUUUUUUCK BUT WWHATEVERRRRR IF I STARE AT THIS ANYMORE IM GONNA HHUURRRLLL #SO I REALLY LIKE FISH AND CHIPS RIGHT. IVE BEEN IN LOVE W THE SHIP EVER SINCE THAT NAT 20 KISS #BUT I THINK I SHIP IT WRONG. OR LIKE. I AM CORRECT BUT EVERYONE SHIPS THEM DIFFERENTLY #THE FISH N CHIPS I SEE EVERYWHERE ELSE IS SO FLOWERY AND SWEET AND ROMANTIC. AND THATS NICE! THAT STUFFS NEAT #but gillion and chip would NEVERRRR enter anything similar to a romantic relationship. chips too damaged and gillions too uninterested #I LIKE MY FISH N CHIPS ONE SIDED AS FUCK #bc 2 gillion chip is his best friend in the whole wide world but hes also kinduvagross little man that took him a MINUTE to really warm up2 #but to CHIP gillion is this powerful and gorgeous and heroic paragon of destiny and his best friend in the whole world who will #bring about the eschaton. 'i didnt believe in destiny until i met you' until i met a champion radiating with a light thatll alter the world #OHH REMEMBER THE FIRST ICE ARENA?he was so mad.still probably shaking from the ordeal.NEVER had he felt true divine radiance CLEAVE through #his SOUL like that.do you remember that moment in the forest w the bugs. an alien from the ocean; lacerating the land w lightning #when the realization flickered in chip for a moment.that the thing standing before him was more powerful than he could ever fathom #remember when grizz mentioned that the nat20 kiss was the 'best kiss chip ever experienced'. that has nothing to do w this. where was i. #LOST MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT. BUT HEY. I THINK at the beginning chip absolutely knew that gill was smth grand n powerful n scary #when gillion revealed what exactly the prophecy was;chip got defensive and mad.sure he was sleep deprived but OOH. HES SCARED! #he believes gillion too! he believes that his destiny is to eradicate either the sea or land and that scares him! #but then he gets past it bc ultimately he trusts his bestfriend gillion so so much. he fuckin loves this dude. #he would throw himself intothe path of fire for this dude. he would boat across the ocean for this dude.he would build arenas for this dude #even if this dude will end half the world.even if this dude wields the power and the obligation to eradicate him at any second. #even if this dude is going to throw himself into harms way for his own comrades.even if this dude is just going to sacrifice himself. #one way or another one shall die for the other.these self-sacrificial bastards click so well with eachother!! #chip believes his body is best used to pave roads and gill believes his body is destined to pave prosperity.WHATEVER!! #i really love their dynamic!! they care for eachother so much!in MY heart tho. the icing on the cake here is the fantasy that chip is #just a bit more In Love w gillion than he realizes. like this powerful fish guy is HOT and PRETTY and KIND and FUNNY and LOYAL and STRONG #but gillion would never rly feel that same sort of attraction towards chip. its just not rly his thing. aroace as fuck man. #thats how it is in MY little heart atleast. and i sit here and play w my touys in my brain n i explore my silly lil one sided fish y chips.

[skitskatdacat63]

I've decided to do myself what the cowards at Aston won't. Behold.

#GAAAAAAHHHH REALLY HAPPY WITH THESE #GRRRRR I WANNA EAT HIM #not to pat myself on my own back too much but god he looks so fucking hot #woof woof woof man why isnt aston fernando miami 2004 redux not real :((( #only exists in art form :) teehee #ty for everyone who voted in my poll for this even if you didnt know it was for this! #apologies for not picking the most voted one. however...i didnt wanna draw it LOL #theres smth sexier to me about him wearing the unbuttoned shirt OKAY #was pretty fun to design the aston version of the shirt! lmk what you think #also small gripe: it sucks ive put all this work in and its probably gonna end up getting less than the poll i spent less than 10 mins on #idc that much abt notes but ugh the fact that lower effort notes tend to do better sucks :( #unless you wanna make this post more popular than the poll- be my guest :) #anyways god i though renault fernando was hot in these outfits and i obv still do but ggrrrrrr old man fernando when i get you #as i said yesterday. if he wont do well on track he might as well do well off track. so here i am. objectifying him #f1 #formula 1 #fernando alonso #2024 miami gp #f1 fanart #formula 1 fanart #catie.art.

[steakout-05]

i love how i'll get fixated on a character and then start saying shit like "awww he's such a lil guy! a lil fella!!" when the "lil guy" in question is a grown 30-40 year old man with visible facial hair and wrinkles and pores

for example: peppino spaghetti

#pizza tower #peppino spaghetti #like. why do i do this. #he is LITERALLY a grown 40 year old italian man and i'm just here like ''aww he's such a cute lil guy'' #he's almost old enough to be my DAD what am i doing #but also he really is just a silly cute little guy sometimes #have you seen the way this man smiles its precious #it's even funnier when you remember peppino looked even OLDER and wrinklier in mcpig's super old drawings of him #like pizza tower peppino is pretty much just a woobified version of his OG form #which was literally just some schlubby wrinkly old italian dude and i love that #i love how weirdly enlarged his other eye is in this image #it looks kinda strange but also that's literally just what peppino looks like

[fisheito]

This is what i mean

#i'm with edmond on this one you guys are too easy #love how eiden's just like KUYA! NO! BAD KUYA! PUT THEM DOWN. DROP THEM....... #and the two softies are immediately swayed like oh 😊 i like him! 😊 #and edmond's giving the megasuper side eye to both of them bc we were just about to kill each other 4 seconds ago. #this demon is a menace. he's brought the entire nobility to a standstill. our nation is in shambles. we have to destroy him #and your excuse is #awwww shucks. but he seems NICE? #healers (man.) too forgiving for their own good (what am i even doing here.) #is yakumo a healer in this world? i'm gonna pretend he can be #like oli's the main healer and yakumo can supplement #oli is the one driving the motorcycle and yakumo is in the lil sidecar :) #journey to a nu world #nu carnival eiden #nu carnival yakumo #nu carnival olivine #nu carnival edmond

[treasureplcnet]

btw i love revenge stories i dont think anyone should ever move on peacefully. a bit obsessed with the way weissman went to the synagogue and rabbi and asks, "my choices killed a child. would god take mercy on someone like me?" and the rabbi says "it's not god's mercy you should look for. its the child's" and like you think that would spur this man into charitable activities and to maybe look out for orphans but instead he goes on a 24 hour revenge bender that ultimately ends in two revenge killings and his own death. what's better than righteous anger and wrath and love twisting someone into the worst but also a truer version of themselves <3

#like im not even reaching here. (sort of am. whatever) #rabbi goldstein essentially goes 'think of esther. you need to be a man she would take mercy on. be someone she can forgive' #and it takes all of 10 minutes for karl weissman to decide yeah ok what i need is double homicide #do i think esther would have wanted revenge in her name. dunno. maybe. #she is 11 and very much the victim of this story. maybe she would have wanted karl to just live. kids are cruel and kind in that way #but to be fair this is esther 'fuck with me and you'll hang like a dog' jankovsky #so im willing to believe she was rooting for him #also the immediate choice to make elias suffer by shooting his leg (? maybe arm) before actually killing him #i dont know. the deliberate cruelty right after he visits the synagogue. an act of defiance. giving himself up after its done. it gets me #i love . I LOVE REVENGE :) GREATEST PLOT POINT EVER!!!!!!!! #sorry everyone about the bodies thoughts. i have no idea how long this is going to last #bodies netflix #karl weissman

[unfortunatelyreturned]

gotta hand it to him, qpac is engaging in my personal favorite part of the queer courting process with qfit rn: 'i know how i feel about you, and im almost 100% sure you feel the same, but i am going to see how long this drags out before you admit it. take your time, i can wait'.

its like playing chicken but far more agonizing. they will flirt and flirt more and more and the tension will be unbearable but it probably will come down to seeing who will break first and finally say what is happening out loud to the other. (qfit will have a breakdown and qpac will put him out of his misery by being very aware of whats been happening this whole time)

#i love playing this game w potential partners #it is like a funny little test of patience. like. i can wait here all day. and i am waiting #take all the time you need but i know you will fold eventually #pac is absolutely doing this just more flustered. man knows what is happening and just waiting for fit to admit it to even himself #itll probably come down to “...i think im in love with you” (nervous) “really!? thats great! i love you too!” (excited) #fitpac #im not maintagging this otherwise

[kindahoping4forever]

📸: Ryan Fleming

#ok listen. we all know I'm Going Thru Something when it comes to this man. so. this is. i am. i just think that. *dies* #5sos #5 seconds of summer #luke hemmings #luke #the 5sos show tour lisbon #ryan fleming 2023 #Instagram #band ig #kh4f post #i just. feel so unhinged sometimes in such brand new ways it surprises even ME #🧛🏻‍♀️ #like #WHAT AM I MEANT TO DO WITH THIS INFORMATION #DO U SEE THAT CHEST HAIR #THE COLLARBONE #IT'S JUTTING #DO YOU ZEE THE JUTTING COLLARBONE #AND I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO SIT HERE AND FINISH THE EMAIL I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF WRITING?? #FITTINGLY IT WAS TO MY THERAPIST SO ACTUALLY MAYBE THAT WORKS OUT 😩😩😩😩😩😩😩 #that necklace jfc i am. i am fine. don't worry about it I'm actually doing great thanks #and the beard #i'm 🤸🏻‍♀️ doing 🤸🏻‍♀️ okay 🤸🏻‍♀️ #THIS IS CERTAINLY PHOTOGRAPHY #GONNA LEAVE NOW THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE AND APPRECIATE VISUAL MEDIA #the 5sos show tour

[moonlume]

tumblr said draw something bad so I did but I'm mad I still didn't feel anything

#man i started tagging this and i cant even bring myself to do it. hashtag art hashtag illustration hashtag capitalism. #sorry to be sadposting... tumblr is the only place i can admit ive actually been really really struggling with my love for art... #i should be grateful. i should be thankful for the fact that i can do art as my job. i shouldnt be whining about it like this. #but theres a hole in my soul where my joy for creating used to be and i dont know how to fix it. i want to love to draw again. #its been like this for probably over a year now and i dont know what to do. i cant abandon everything ive been working on for 7 years. #im also unemployable. so its not like i would dare to quit moonlume...but i just want to find joy in it again... #but capitalism has dug its wretched claws into my skull so badly that everything has been feeling incredibly soulless. i hate it. #anyway. might delete this later. its unprofessional but this is the one website where i can let go of professionalism for 5min and be human. #i dont hate what i do and i really am thankful..i just i wish i wasnt so stressed about making everything look good and perfect and sellable #but at this point its subconsciously connected to my survival that every time i think about drawing i stress myself out before i even start #ugh idk. neither here nor there. cant quit but dont feel connected to my work but cant change what i do or i will alienate my audience 👍

[moeblob]

You know, I'm sorry for another story time but my life has been very stressed lately and today I got a huge boost. SO.

As some of you may know, I moved states at the end of July and have been here since August 1st basically. Social anxiety is a struggle but I'm making it. And there's this easy to reach by walking convenience store and almost every time I walk there I walk past a gem store. And I think to myself almost every single time "I love the store has a bouncer". I didn't say anything to him at first! But one day I got brave and proceeded to make an absolute FOOL of myself as I am on my way back from buying some sodas and ask him "are you like the store bouncer?"

The man looks at me and smiles and gives a little chuckle and says pretty much yeah? And then I say more awkward things and then promptly leave feeling very embarrassed. I purposefully AVOID that lil corner for a couple days and then finally feel brave enough to walk by cause it's ... like. Literally right by my destination. Man isn't even outside that day and I think phew! I can't be creepy if I can't talk to him!

BUT THEN I SEE THAT HE IS DIRECTLY INSIDE CHATTING TO A WORKER. And he sees me. And smiles and stops whatever conversation he's having and exits the store to say hi. (I am definitely beaming, like a normal person, because I apparently am NOT creepy enough to this man more than a foot taller than me who could easily kick my ass if he wanted) So we just chat. For maybe ten minutes? It's very nice! We have a Very Normal Conversation! I feel better about the first interaction because I had a second interaction.

So now............ today. I am once again wandering around and on my way to lunch when I pass the gem store and I'm like "hello again!" to the gem store bouncer. We begin to chat again and he mentions a pendant they recently appraised that he likes and I, thinking this entire time that the store was ONLY appointment only and I would never be allowed inside, am casually mentioning "yeah, I was born in June and we have three birthstones and like.... none of them are dark enough for me. I mean there's pearl which I'm not a fan of and then moonstone and another." And so he's saying they have a sheet inside to show birthstones so we walk in together to find out the mysterious third stone.

And the sheet only shows pearls. And I'm like "this is a crime against June babies" and then I somehow start talking to one of the female workers and I'm saying "yeah I just kinda like walking by here and seeing the bouncer" and she looks at him and is like "oh I like that." and I admit I have no other idea what to refer to him as (I don't know his name at this point anyway) and she's like "most often security guard."

Ah. Yes. Like a normal person would think. Security. Yes. Not "gem store bouncer". She then leaves to grab a coffee from across the street and I leave with the bouncer and somehow we get into talking about wearing mostly black and how he's pretty goth and then I mentioned a sweatshirt my aunt sent me once saying "I'm only wearing black until they come out with something darker" and he grins and says it's a life motto. Then the woman returns with her coffee and he tells me to tell her what I said, so I repeat it and she looks me dead in the eye and says "that was made for me. Also I love that you called him a bouncer it's hilarious".

I now observe that he (all black suit black shirt black tie) and her (black sweater with black/white striped pants n black shoes) are indeed somehow the gem store goth club. And then she heads back in and he says he's sorry they don't have any cookies to offer me, they normally have cookies in the back for employees, and I'm like "ah no it's fine thank you".

And then I left feeling like I was somehow allowed to join the Cool Goth Club at the gem store.

Anyway, sup, my new favorite person is the goth bouncer at the gem store and he makes me smile so much when I see him.

#moe talks a lot #not art #as a life update otherwise i am struggling but i am doing a LITTLE better and might actually finally be able to open comms like i planned #even if its already 9 days past when i wanted to open them.... i might be able to open some soon #it will probably not be a whole lot of slots and i apologize but while i need money i also need sanity o7 #long post #look guys im sorry i just think it is very cool that i somehow earned the amusement of a jewel seller by referring to the security man #as a bouncer because thats exactly what he strikes me as ! #i say as someone who has never been to a bar or club and only know bouncers from crime shows #but it amused the cool goth seller inside and the goth bouncer is also amused so im winning here

[syl-stormblessed]

if i cared about school half as much as i care about cosmere lore i could've been one of those child prodigies accepted into harvard when they were 12

#me over here analyzing realmatic theory while also not being able to grasp basic calculus #the duality of man #vin speaks #what do i even tag this as. it's 3:30 am and i just finished yumi and the nightmare painter #so please excuse any bouts of insanity i may be displaying #cosmere #brandon sanderson #mistborn #the stormlight archive #elantris #warbreaker #tress of the emerald sea #yumi and the nightmare painter #white sand

[deelovesbooks]

ok y'all I gotta be honest, but I totally knew that Ragh had gotten Kalina from Porter and thought that everyone else also knew this so seeing some people surprised threw me for a loop a bit

However this certainty of knowledge had absolutely no impact on any of my thoughts and theories this season 😂 not once did it cross my mind that Porter was the one with the spies tongue curse and honestly it didn't even cross my mind that Porter had infected Ragh on purpose I figured it was an accident like when Sandra Lynn and Tracker did the healing

I just didn't like Porter bc he was a dick and mean to Gorgug 😂

#fhjy #fhjy spoilers #i figured Porter was up to something cause itd be funny and also hes a dick and his thing with Zara was sketchy #but i didnt think it was him as the fuckin mastermind behind it all like this #im over here on my couch going 'hey what about raghs dad? do we know anything about him? what if ragh is a junior and kalina meant his dad' #as soon as the clip started playing i was like oh my god im an idiot how did i not make the connection #i gotta go watch this episode again its fuckin lore hefty but man is it good #dimension 20 #my textposts #also majority of my dnd knowledge comes from this show how am i supposed to know barbarian healing isnt a thing 😂 #honestly i dont even think i took it as like an actual class feature healing like a cure wounds #i just assumed it was a more metaphorical thing rather than actual regaining hit points lmao

[cerise-on-top]

Hello! Are you still writing hcs?

Graves with a spouse(writing this as a husband for him myself 🥰) who loves sewing and knitting, or some something amongst 'cozy hobbies' like embroidery, reading, poetry or baking. Just wondering How a relationship would be between them or how Graves would act.

Your writing is very lovely btw! I fell in love with it, very beautiful!

Hello! I am still writing HCs, it'll probably be a little bit longer until I take a proper break! That was a really cute request, I liked that one! Domestic and sweet stuff like that is always the best, so thank you for bestowing a request like that upon me! (❀❛ ֊ ❛„)♡

Graves with a Spouse with Cozy Hobbies

As mentioned already, Graves loves feeling like the big, strong, useful man in the relationship, so he’d absolutely love you even more if you have “soft and cozy” hobbies like the ones you mentioned. While he is very much a talker, something like knitting can be done while holding a conversation, so he’ll definitely talk to you as you work on your next project. He thinks it’s really awesome, the way your hands move so quickly to create something like a sweater, a scarf, or even a plushie. You don’t really look at him, way too absorbed in your project and not wanting to make even a single mistake, but you still spend time with him. It’s ideal, he can tell you the newest, juiciest gossip among his Shadows while you make him the coziest sweater he’s ever seen. Lets you measure him, if you need and want to, because he really wants that sweater. You wanna put a cute little motif, like a cup of coffee on it as well? He’ll fall in love even more than before.

But even when he’s tired, he wants to spend his time with you. Instead of talking, he’ll lean against you and watch you crochet a bit before nodding off ever so slowly. It’s nice, it’s repetitive, for the most part, and it’s also quiet. By the time he wakes up he gets to see more of your beautiful creation, so that’s a big plus. And when he isn’t dozing off against you, he’s more than happy to hold your yarn and make it a bit longer when you need it. There’s something magical about watching you crochet. He had to crochet in elementary school, but, since he didn’t want to sit down for something like that, he wasn’t very good at it. His strengths always lied elsewhere, so it’s fascinating to him that you can sit in the same position for hours on end, barely moving, and still having fun. The only time he has to do that is when he’s filing reports, and afterwards he needs something to take his mind off of those.

Graves, every time he’s about to go out without you, will always ask you if you need anything from the arts and crafts stores, willing to buy you the loveliest fleece for felting if you ask him for it. Hell, if you want to sell your plushies, or your creations in general, he’s probably the best man to have on your side. Especially when it comes to plushies. Some of his Shadows have families with children, so he knows some of them would love your creations. Might sometimes ask you if you could knit or crochet a baby wooly hat for one of them, if you have the time, since his Shadows know you can be trusted with a task like that. You will always be reimbursed, either by his Shadows or by Graves himself. Sometimes he does like to gift his Shadows something you made and pretend they bought it. You’ll always get your money, but it might sometimes be out of Graves’ pocket.

He definitely likes the domesticity of it. He can go about his day, certain you won’t get hurt, unless you’re sewing or embroidering. But he’d never stop you from pursuing a craft like that. In fact, he’ll actively encourage you, always asking about your projects and wanting to know if he can help you in any way. He wants to see your embroidery, your crocheting, your sewing, as well, so he might gently pick it up from time to time, view it from every angle and give you feedback a la Graves, praising you like only he could.

When you’re a baker you can be sure he’ll taste test your stuff every single time. He has a bit of a sweet tooth, not too much, but he loves you, so he’s willing to eat everything you make. If you’re up making cookies, then he’ll help you by either buying you the best, most reliable hand mixer he can find, or by stirring the dough himself so your arms won’t get too tired. This he does under the condition that he gets to be the first person to try your cookies, your cake, your cobbler. He may not be the worst baker, but he can still learn a lot from you. That he does with all the love in the world, looking at you with an adoring expression as you put the baked goods in the oven, waiting for them to finish. Always has a big smile on his face when he watches you be this content with your life. While you wait for it to properly bake, he’d sometimes ask you to play card games with him. Always lets you win on purpose during those times since you always look so happy when you win. Afterwards he rewards you with a kiss.

While he may be everything but a fan of poetry, he can respect you being one. Will listen to everything you have to say about them, from your analyses to you reading one out loud. If you have a few poets you like especially well then Graves will bend his back trying to find beautiful anthologies of their works. Maybe some books with a few gold engravings that would look well on a shelf. He wants you to know that, despite him not being interested, he still supports you. While you’re reading a book, he might sneak up on you, startle you and then take you into his arms, trying to get you comfortable so you can continue to read. Might glance at your book from time to time to get a feeling for what you’re reading. If it’s something especially cheesy he might chuckle a bit and call you out on being a hopeless romantic, giving you a kiss to your nose afterwards.

Overall, he likes it. It’s nice, not having to worry about you going god knows where and ending up injured. Besides, he always has something nice to come home to, whether that be some beautiful embroidery of violets or a Sachertorte you made from scratch. Will always praise you for doing well, will always make sure you have the means to keep creating, baking and reading. Does his best to keep it that way as well, you’re his precious little darlin’ and you deserve the world and so much more in his eyes.

#cod #cod x reader #phillip graves #phillip graves x reader #I know there are a lot of us who feel that way but I am one of the many people to have a love-hate relationship with Graves #would I beat the living daylights out of him if he ever talked to me? yes #would I also tend to his wounds if I found him injured and in pain? absolutely #he also sort of made me realise that a southern accent is actually kind of charming #apparently people from the south also grill religiously which is lovely since my parents do the same so I'm used to that #Graves is a stinker and I'd rather get pulped than admit I like him #even so it's lovely to see Graves' husband come here and tell me something cute and sweet! kudos to you for being open about him! #I used to hate him. then I struggled to hate him. now I hate him again but I'd put a Hatsune Miku bandaid on him if he cut himself #stupid idiot and yet I follow a few people on here who pretty much only post about Graves with a few others here and there #mans is an enigma to me I don't know what to make of him at all except he's kind of fun #good to see I get to write about him as well though!

[zebratimw]

Spirit animal SQH

#svsss #shang qinghua #but mainly I'm just here to vague post LMAO I don't like to vague post its not very effective in terms of venting but #but basically I guess I'm becoming hyperaware of my like... cognitive dissonance codependency and derealization ee #also my general laziness ig and where it overlaps into executive dysfunction or whatever like I may genuinely have some issues but #I am also a lazy son of a bitch jfjfkgkg and i need to figure out how to figure it out so I can work on both in more effective ways hhggg #oh yeah but basically the thing to remember for later is the silence in the call and the immediate unmute and chat activity once I left #I should remember this and stop interacting I think? I should try to give em space I think I'm being too clingy or something #or maybe my own silence is too awkward and dampens the call? I was kinda just spacing out and not doing anything so I get its kinda weird #LMAO so I should just like try not to be in call for those times mm #I just like being in call with my friends jdhfkg but I suppose its not very good either #I overindulge I suppose another friend pointed it out to me before too haha but fjfjjt its just easier than facing bouts of dread by myself #eehh and that's why I gotta do something about my Metnal Ailneses hfjfj but ngl I don't really know how to go about it... #I get embarrassed looking stuff up djfnfkg and half the time I don't even know what to look up I just draw ?s and I give up #I suppose I also have commitment issues too but that ones not new which is an issue of itself aaaaaaaa #man idk idk I just don't really get it I guess djdjfjf and I've got existential dreads and think maybe it doesn't really matter whats wrong #cause there's no point to fixing them because ultimately I'm gonna die alone and a failure anyways? so like ehfjgkg idk #its depressing and I know its like sabotage cause my brain is being a little silly a little goofy and its not a shared sentiment #with the better half of me and the entirety of my friends but yknow its just ee harder sometimes to believe in the optimism ig #and i can talk about it somewhat normally and without like having a ✨️break down #but yknow djfjgkg I'm very emotional a person ya? I think sqh is relatable for gods sake 💀 #irrationality sentimentality nihilism and existential dreads... wanting to die because living is too hard despite all my hopes for living... #just the ol regulars yknow? #and another thing... do I talk to my friends about these things? I vent them out here a lot but what do I really want? #I'm not strong enough to keep it to myself clearly but I'm also too proud to share these thoughts? I dump them out in the open and for what? #whenever someone reaches out with concern and care I don't respond in kind and refuse to elaborate? #so like what do I want with this? I guess I want someone to know I'm going insane half the time I'm awake? but not do anything about it? #that's pretty unfair I guess... and stupid I think I do want to share my thoughts with someone but I'm too scared of the ramifications #and that my pride can't stand the fact I might be looked differently by my friends even tho the image they have of me is already quite silly #man.... idk.... I'll come to conclusions myself and do nothing about them so I guess that'll happen again aah idk idk idk