#theyre supposed to want you to understand. theyre supposed ro be able to explain it to people who dont understand | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

donnieluvsthings · 4 years

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anyway i’m still thinkin about roceit newsies au...this got SO LONG its basically a bullet fic of the whole plot at this point but uh enjoy!!! its has all the sides and remy and emile bc i rly wanted to shove them all in here aldkaldka

this is based on the musical mostly bc i have never watched the original movie all the way thru oops

roman is jack and remus is crutchie (thanks boop). remus does crazy stunts even with his crutch and roman is Constantly Worried TM and overprotective of remus even tho remus can DEF take care of himself

on the other hand remus knows roman hates working as a newsboy and just wants to escape to some small town where he can become a local artist of some sort. remus wants roman to go CHASE his DREAMS even tho he’s afraid roman might leave him behind

roman may be the actor but remus is great at coming up with gruesome yet intriguing headlines that get people to buy papers and would totally be a great author of some sort

ON THAT NOTE roman dreams of santa fe and can picture it perfectly but whenever he tries to explain it, it comes out as senseless rambling and longing. it’s remus who can really put into words what roman feels (bc theyre bros and they just GET each other)

virgil as davey, patton as les, logan as sarah (its the musical but they have an extra sibling okay. let me have older brother logan)

virgil and patton show up and virgil is super untrusting and hates that theyre basically lying to get people to buy papers but patton is just EXCITED to meet New People!!! and looks up to roman (and remus), like, instantly

it helps that roman promises to take them to a real actual theater after they sell all their papers owned by the one the only emile picani !!!

also roman is the one who first calls him “virge” which is like jack saying “davey” instead of david. yes this is necessary information

so they sell their papers (and roman briefly meets an ESPECIALLY handsome guy wink wink) and go see emile who performs some variant of That’s Rich like the star he is. u cant take singer emile away from me

roman also performs bc i said so. he spies someone watching him during his act up above the stage and climbs up there when he’s done

janus. its janus, if that wasnt clear or u dont know the plot of the newsies musical aldkaldlal

so yeah janus as katherine!! he may be pulitzer’s son but that doesn’t mean his father wants him to be a journalist. pulitzer thinks he should prepare to inherit the publishing company or be a banker or smth, not be a journalist

i just think janus’ “society is a LIE” vibe fits with katherine. i mean, just look at Watch What Happens. “give life’s little guys some ink,” “they’ll storm the gates,” “rich greedy sourpusses” .... idk it just SCREAMS janus to me

ALSO, katherine technically lies about her identity for like 3/4 of the musical, so

anyway! roman meets janus and janus is all suave and lowkey flirty at first but then roman starts flirting BACK and jan is like “uh oh how to talk to cute boys????”

so then he gets all “i have more important things to do” *hair flip* and goes back to the article he’s supposed to be writing about emile’s theater (a lot of his notes are about roman’s performance but nobody needs to know that shhh)

roman draws a portrait of jan and leaves it there and janus gently & dramatically picks it up, stares at it, and tucks it into his suit with a soft smile

uh oh prices for papers went up! virgil steps up and helps roman lead a strike. turns out his caution works GREAT with roman’s determination and they keep each other from going towards extreme overthinking (virgil) or extreme stupidity (roman). they are a TEAM and they are BESTIES.

remus: lets SET THE PAPERS ON FIRE

roman, starry eyed: HECK YEAH LETS DO IT

virgil: how about we dont do that and instead form a union

and then the twins are like GOOD IDEA and tell everyone else. virgil may be a cautious and untrusting and afraid of public speaking but he has good ideas dangit

the intro to seize the day yknow? virgil says a Good Idea (which can probably be traced back to him always listening to logan rant about his studies) and roman spreads the message in a Firm Rebellion-y way to the other newsies

and patton is there doing his absolute best. he may be small but he knows that this isn’t right or fair to the newsboys and he’s ready to physically fight someone

enter logan who is lowkey really proud of virgil for stepping outside of his comfort zone to do whats right. logan may be scared out of his mind for his little bros but he’s gonna help them as much as he can between college and trying to work side jobs to help their fam

basically logan knows janus and tells him that he should report on the strike bc logan wants to help his bros AND his friend however he can

cue janus seeing his opportunity and TAKING it. he’s gonna write about this strike even if no one else will!!! take THAT, father

he also maybe possibly wanted to see roman again. but roman never needs to know that okay what he doesnt know cant hurt him

seize the day happens!!!! they strike!!!! they r powerful!!! but then no one else from any other sections of new york strike with them and they lowkey get rekt

remus mocks the delanceys but that was a BAD decision cuz now theyre targeting him and he gets taken to the REFUGE

roman is SAD bc his brother’s been taken away, no one showed up to help them strike, his brother’s been taken away and he just wants to get OUT of there. run away to santa fe, his ideal world, but he can’t even articulate that because his brother is gone

how is that just act one. how have i written so much yet left out so much???

remus is at the refuge and he’s a little more scared, now, that roman really will just leave him behind even though he knows deep down that roman would never.

still. he writes roman a letter and maybe he goes into a little too much detail about his injuries and the refuge but hey, that’s remus. he writes about how maybe they can run away to santa fe together. he signs it “your brother” and i CRY because they are the best bros

roman reads it and ALSO cries. especially because there it is, the description of santa fe he can never come up with by himself. remus rly does know him, huh

total scene change: janus finds the other newsies (and logan) in a restaurant? bar? and is like “!!! ur on the FRONT PAGE on my newspaper” which i just decided is called the snake instead of the sun

virgil didn’t totally trust janus would follow thru at first but now he’s convinced. they did it!!!! theyre on the front page!!!! the world WILL know!!!!

cue tapdancing!!!!!! king of new york is an absolute bop. i need logan tapdancing daintily and then janus LAUNCHING into some complex tap routine bc the newsies think he too will dance daintily

i know they wouldnt,,, actually dance but just let me have this self-indulgence in this entirely self-indulgent au

the Bro Trio + janus go hunt down roman to show him the paper and find him painting stuff at emile’s all sad and upset bc, well, they lost and remus was taken

but virgil is trying to show him that they made progress!!! sure pulitzer won but he won the BATTLE and actually the poor guy’s head is spinning bc theyre gonna win.

“cmon, ro, if i’m is telling you to be optimistic there must be hope”

see virgil calls him RO and its cute bc roman gave him the nickname ‘virge’ and now virgil’s giving him the nickname ‘ro’ theyre just besties okay

roman is unconvinced but then logan, who roman has actually never met before, steps in with Facts and Statistics, and patton adds some adorable words of encouragement, and janus sassily waves their Front Page Story at him, and roman starts realizing they DO have a chance

but then uh oh pulitzer threatens remus and the Bro Trio and roman is forced to speak out against the strike or risk ruining the lives of everyone he loves. and also he finds out that janus is pulitzer’s son and is Betrayed TM

theres some “he’s just trying to build up a false confidence in u so u can plummet to even greater depths” parallels in there somewhere....u can’t trust many people as a newsie and when roman DOES trust someone turns out he’s the son of the guy ur trying to fight

so roman says overnight in pulitzer’s basement, sleeping on an uncomfortable old printing press, and makes his decision

now for the RALLY

remy is spot conlon bc he DESERVES to be the leader of the brooklyn newsies. brooklyn, flushing, richmond, etc all show up to a newsies rally and are like YEAH!!! STRIKE!!!!

virgil is trying to tame the crowd nervously and keeps waiting for roman to show up bc they work best when theyre working together!!!! finally roman’s there and virgil introduces him (the attention isnt solely on him now thank gosh)

but then roman starts talking about how they dont stand a chance and how they shouldnt go on strike and virgil is just. confused and upset and angry

especially when he sees one of pulitzer’s employees slipping roman wads of money

virgil corners roman afterwards and is absolutely RIPPING into him. roman could fix this if he would just tell virgil the truth, tell him he doesn’t care about the money, he just wanted to keep him and patton and logan safe—

but roman knows if he tells virgil, then virgil will turn all his anger towards pulitzer, will be able to convince roman to keep going, and roman won’t. he can’t put virgil, put his family, at risk.

so he lies.

he doesn’t mean any of it. but he says it.

and maybe he kind of understands why janus lied, too.

he says he’s never had anyone to take care of him or remus, not like virgil does with his parents and his older brother. he says virgil will never know what it’s like.

virgil scoffs and glares and beneath all his fury looks crushed. but there’s still fire in his eyes, a spark roman saw that first day that only grew and engulfed any doubts virgil ever had.

roman says he’ll take the money and go, leave new york behind.

virgil says fine. we don’t need you. because you know what? all those words you said were mine. i didn’t have the courage to say them back then but now i do. we don’t need you.

(because i watched that scene in the movie and like YES go OFF davey i mean virgil)

roman flees to his “bedroom” which is really just a fire escape and just longs for remus’ reassurance. he has the letter but it doesn’t seem as encouraging now, not when he’s lost everything else important to him.

then janus shows up and roman’s mad at him but not mad enough to kick him out. and janus watched roman just give up on everything they’ve been fighting for and just wants to know WHY. why did he turn his back on the newsies when they were so close?

and roman, tired and upset and defeated, just says they wouldn’t succeed. even if all the newsies went on strike no one would report on it, anyway, because pultizer has all the printing presses on lockdown, even the one janus published from. and they already lost once! what more could they possibly do?

roman looks out over the railing, chest heaving from his rant, longing for his imaginary santa fe where he doesn’t have to face his failures. janus stands next to him and puts his hand over roman’s.

“i don’t have a simple answer to that question....but here’s a start.”

and janus pulls out a paper with roman’s words (well, and virgil’s, because virgil said it first but roman rephrased it powerfully, and that’s why they worked as a team) typed out, words that make the strike not about newsies but about ALL working children in the city who are being exploited for their youth and naivety.

it’s an entire article, expertly written. if published it would get the word out to the other newsies that they haven’t given up and show other working children and adults alike that this is IMPORTANT and they aren’t going away.

and then roman remembers his drawings of the refuge and remus’ graphic descriptions and shows them to janus and hey!!! they have a plan!!! they just need to print it....

roman’s like yo there’s an old press in ur dad’s basement he’d never suspect anything

and theyre both so excited and theyre gonna DO this, FINALLY, and janus sees hope on roman’s face again, maybe permanently this time, and janus just leans in and kisses him.

its very sweet and cute and theyre in LOVE

they pull back and kinda stand there awkwardly for a few seconds before both of them start grinning

and they both know its fragile, that they’ve hurt each other and trust was cracked, but it wasn’t broken completely, and they can fix this. they believe in each other and that’s enough for now.

and then they go find virgil at his house

roman knocks on the door and virgil opens it and just. glares at roman. and roman starts rambling apologies and explanations and tries to tell virgil about their plan and did he mention he’s sorry

virgil kinda just stares at him as he goes on and on and the only thing that stops him is patton running out and launching himself at roman

then logan appears behind virgil, and virgil kinda just smiles

“glad to have u back. again.”

and then they go sneak into pulitzer’s basement and print the article with jan’s writing and ro’s drawings and remus’ descriptions and the other newsies go spread the papers ALL around the city

the next morning EVERYONE is out on strike!!! u cant get ANYWHERE without seeing ppl, newsies or otherwise, filling the streets with chants of “seize the day”

roman, with the Bro Trio and Janus trailing close behind, waltzs on in to pulitzer’s office and flings the money pulitzer gave him back on the desk and is like whatcha gonna do NOW, joe??

pulitzer angrily tells them he’s a fool for going back on their deal and logan steps in sayin pulitzer is a fool for letting this get so out of hand over a 10 cent price increase. his sales are down 70%!! objectively the price increase was like the worst business decision ever

virgil’s like plus it’s making u look bad that ur business is the reason most of these kids are suffering. people really love kids, mr pulitzer and patton smiles brightly but in like a menacing way

then emile walks in with a ~dazzling smile~ and is like ur son told me about this whole situation, it’d be a shame if i contacted my good friend governor roosevelt who won’t be as kind as these brave newsies since u tried so hard to stop him from being elected :)

((in the show roosevelt is actually there but i want emile to have a moment to SHINE))

so pulitzer’s like FINE and talks to roman alone and roman wears him down, throwing words from janus, virgil, and pulitzer himself right in pulitzer’s face until FINALLY they have a deal. he’ll lower the prices by half AND pulitzer will buy back whatever they don’t sell full price

roman bursts out of the office into the streets where all the newsies are waiting and is like WE WONNN

and since they published all that stuff about the refuge in the paper, the guy who runs it is being arrested and REMUS IS FREE

the twins hug for like a full two minutes

then pulitzer offers roman a job as a political cartoonist and roman’s like. well idk now that this is over i should probably...head out

bc lowkey he’s thinking virgil still doesn’t wanna see roman ever again and he did say he would leave, so

but then virgil’s like come on, ro, you don’t really think we want u to leave, do u? what’s santa fe got that new york aint? tarantulas? sandstorms? stampedes? you can’t go to santa fe what if you DIE—

and logan says new york’s got us!

patton: and we’re family, right?

then janus is like you got a union to lead! and...you got me.

and remus is like bro, anyone can dream, all you do is close ur eyes! but some made up world is all you’ll ever see. (bc he’s the wordsy one, u see. he helps roman have the poetic realization that his santa fe isn’t real, but this IS)

so roman says well if u guys INSIST.....and then he takes jan’s hand and kinda asks w his eyes and then kisses jan in front of all the newsies who proceed to cheer obnoxiously

when they break apart roman leads janus by the hand over to the paper-buying-cart and slaps some couns down on the table and BUYS SOME PAPERS BC THEYRE NEWSIES BABEY

and everyone lived happily ever after🥰

#sanders sides #roceit #creativitwins #newsies #sanders sides fic #sanders sides fanfic #bullet fic #repost bc tumblr glitched hardcore #uhh anyway the original tags i had were smth like #‘i rewatched newsies and i love it also i love jeremy jordan also stan newsies the musical’ aldkaldla #roceit newsies au #donnie writes

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gloomy-goober · 7 years

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You Can(t) Fly

Roman only has a few days left to learn to fly and get to Neverland. If Thomas reaches the age of thirteen he is never going to get there. So he recruits Patton to help. What could go wrong about flying lessons from the roof of a castle?

@bitterlyjitteryannotveryglittery @vergingonanxiety

Roman was anxious.

He would not admit it out loud but he was.

If he did admit it out loud he would blame it on the new kid. He was anxiety after all. Kind of weird how he would just appear behind someone without a sound and barely talked. Also how he always wears black and is up at all hours of the night. What is that kids’s deal-No! No! Back on track, Creativity. We have to focus on the real problem.

The ‘real’ problem was that Thomas was about to turn thirteen. This was a number that finally put a stamp on the end of childhood. This was the number that claimed a person to be an official teenager. This was the number where he lost the one thing he was so sure he would fine back when he was nine.

He would lose Neverland because he was growing up. He would lose it forever and Roman would not stand for that. Patton and Logan may have stopped his attempts before but today he was going to do it. He was going to fly and go off to Neverland.

“Patton!” With permission of course.

Roman turned his head to look over the back of the couch as the eldest side came into the main hub. He had his cardigan off and tied around his waist. He also had a towel over his head so he must have either found the swimming pool Roman wished into existence or got out of the shower.

“What’s up, sport?”

“I need to fly before Thomas turns thirteen,” Roman said the statement like it was a matter of life or death.

The smile on Heart’s face dimmed a little and he scratched at his chin.

“I don’t know, Ro, you know how me and Logan feel about you trying to fly.”

Roman put on a pout and widened his eyes. He was not going to get this last chance get away from him. Patton was his best bet of getting to his goal. Of finally flying to Neverland and joining the lost boys for just a short while.

“Patton, please,” The child whined, “I don’t got a week. A WEEK and then if I don’t fly with pixie dust or no I will never be able to get to Neverland because kids can’t go. I will lose my life long dream! I have wanted this since I woke up in that room. You got to understand!”

Tears had started to form in Roman’s eyes. All of Thomas’ acting classes were starting to pay off. He felt the speech was very moving and convincing. He put so much emotion into it; true and otherwise fake. It would have to work.

And it did.

Patton hurried to the boy’s side and threw the towel on his head off. The emotional side of Thomas’ personality hugged Roman without a word and gently rocked him.

“Oh, Roman, don’t cry. If it means that much to you we’ll...we’ll get you a way to fly.”

Roman gasped and pulled out of the hug slightly. “Really!?!”

“Yes, really. We just got to find a good place for it and-.”

“I know just the place!” Roman’s tears were gone just light that and a smile had spread across his freckled face.

The pre-teen wiggled the rest of the way out of the hug and pulled Patton up by his arm. Heart had no other choice but to follow the hyper side; not that he wanted to do anything else. It was his job to make sure the younger sides were happy.

“You see, I made the outside of your place a castle and there is a perfect flying practice spot on the roof of a tower,” Roman explained quickly.

“A tower?”

“Yeah, I got the horses hay under it so it should be fine to jump off of in the very unlikely event that I don’t fly,” Roman continued.

Patton was silent for a moment and seemed to go over what the boy said in his head. When he came to a good con

“You have horses!”

Roman nodded and pulled Patton out the front door. The destination the stables and then to the tower’s side entrance.

Neither of them noticed the small form that stood in the shadows near the basement door. They did not see his head tilted to the side or hear him as he followed to two. When they left their dwelling and entered Roman’s ‘Land of Make-Believe’ he stopped and his feet took a nervous step back.

Anxiety was still not sure of his boundaries. They had only found him a month ago, on his own mess up, and now he was not sure what to do with himself. Two years of hiding under them all and now being allowed to come and go as he pleased and people knowing about him. It was very strange.

He wanted to stop Roman from jumping because he knew it could lead to terrible things but he did not want the other two to be annoyed with him and make him live in the basement forever. Alone. Without anyone to care about you.

Why do you even try? They don’t want you around. Roman has made that very clear. Patton is just pretending to like you and you ask too many questions so you are always on Logan’s nerves. You should just give up. You are the unwanted fourth side.

Go back downstairs and hide. No one will notice...or maybe they will and get mad at you. I mean, if you don’t stop Roman from getting hurt Logan will be furious because you are supposed to be there to warn them of danger. You are supposed to be the safety side. You are too quite and if you hid then you would be hiding information from him.

You will be responsible for their injuries and or even death. But you also shouldn’t bother them because you are probably blowing this out of proportion.

Or are you? Are you? ARE YOU?

“Shut up,” Anxiety grit out. His voice was still quiet and rough from lack of use. His thin body trembled under the weight of the voice inside his head. It used to be that once he came up here it would quiet but now all he could hear was that voice. It would not stop talking. He just wanted to think rationally again so he could help the others.

His breathing had started to go sporadic as he thought of everything that could happen while he stood there having a war with himself. Roman could fall and break his neck. Patton could be pulled down as well.

Can we even die?

The existential question made his head spin and he moved away from the doorway more. His legs barely able to keep him standing as tears started to appear in his eyes.

Are we even real?

Want to test it?

Anxiety’s legs gave out then and he clutched at the too large hoodie that covered his body. He was being so useless right now; on the ground crying and gasping. He needed to find Logan and tell him about...Roman...and...Please stop spinning room. I don’t want to lose my famil-.

“Anxiety!”

A book dropped in the hallway and a side appeared from the hall. The person did not take long to cross the distance and kneel in front of the fallen boy. He held his hands out but did not touch the youngest side.

“Anxiety, I need you to try and focus on my voice,” the person said. The blur of black and blue meaning it was probably Logic.��“Can I touch you? You can say no.”

Anxiety stared at him for a second before slowly shaking his head no. He did not want that right now. He just wanted air.

“Alright,” Logan said calmly, “I am just going to sit next to you then. I will talk and you can listen and try to breathe. Count to four going in and eight coming out. This should help controlling it.”

The anxious side tried to do what the other instructed. His mind a frazzled mess as he tried to focus on the counting.

“If this does not help you can locate five things that you can see. You don’t have to say them out loud if you do not want to but I would like for you to try and nod when you do.”

Anxiety listened to the words and blinked the tears out of his eyes. He quietly glanced around the room and located the things Logan wanted him to; avoiding the open front door. Slowly, he nodded.

“Good. Now four things you can touch.”

Anxiety did that next; his breathing getting a little slower. He tapped his foot on the floor and rubbed his fingers over his hoodie. When he thought of two more he gave Logan the nod to continue.

“Alright, now how about three things you can hear.”

Anxiety lifted his head a little and tilted it towards Logan. The pre-teen sat calmly next to him; eyes behind thin glasses locked onto the shaking younger side. Anxiety quickly looked away but counted it as one. The other two being the bird song coming from the open door and the water dripping from the leaky sink.

He nodded and took a long breath.

“Now two things you can smell.”

Anxiety was quick to find these and tried to get rid of the thought that the outside smell would be tainted if he did not find his voice and help Roman. The little thought that did get through made his breath hitch but he forced it out.

He nodded again.

“And lastly, one thing you can taste,” Logan concluded.

Anxiety bit his lip and thought hard. Did spit count? He had no eaten today so there was not any lingering taste. He did not ask just nodded to say he did understand. His hands still shook as he counted out the breaths.

“That’s it, Anxiety, just breathe. You are safe here.”

Anxiety took a shaky breath in and opened his mouth to say something but all that came from that was a squeak.

“No need to speak,” Logic said quickly but Anxiety shook his head at that. He needed to talk so he could tell Logan what was happening.

Logan did not seem to understand and raised a hand to try and be of some comfort but stopped before he touched the trembling pre-teen. It was better to ask permission then send Anxiety back into panic mode.

“H-heart...a-and...C-create...” Anxiety struggled out and took in a few more deep breaths.

“What about them?”

Anxiety looked over at the door. “Ro...wants to...fly...Patton...roof...”

Logan was up to his feet instantly and looked over at the door in shock.

“They are doing what!?!”

Anxiety knew that the logical side had not meant to raise his voice but he could not hold back the flinch. His semi-calm breaths hitched slightly.

“Anxiety, I need to go get them,” Logan explained as calmly as he could, “I will not be gone long. Just focus on the breathing, okay. You are not in trouble...thank you for telling me about this.”

With that, Logic left the hub and entered Creativity’s domain.

Logic had only been out into Thomas’ subconscious twice. Once was to get Creativity back inside when the younger side had first opened the door and the second was to get Heart back because the side was needed in attendance to the real world.

Personally, he did not feel that Creativity was using this space for the best purpose. The village, castle, forest were all unnecessary. The people, animals, and strange mythological creatures all a waste of space and unreal. He did not get why Roman did this or how the young boy got it to feel so real.

This was not something Logan had time to dwell on. He had to focus on getting the two sides back into the hub and put his foot down about the no flying rule.

It did not take long for Logic to find the wayward sides. It was just a simple walk around the outside the of the castle and find a crowd of people near what appeared to be a stable. The crow of people’s directional gaze told him everything.

Up on the top of a tower, not every tall as the castle looked like one of those children’s drawings, was Patton and Roman. Roman’s green outfit shone bright in the imaginary sun and Patton had tied his cardigan over the younger boy’s shoulders like a cape.

This was not happening.

“Patton! Roman! Get down here!”

The two sides jumped in shock and looked down at the side that stuck out amongst the peasantry garb of the people that were watching.

“Logan!” Patton shouted down happily and leaned over to get a better look, “You are so tiny from up here. I can squish you with my fingers! Squish, squish.”

Patton held up his hand to his eye and squished his thumb and index finger together. Every time he did that he said squish to himself. Next to him, Roman shook his head and put his hands on his hips.

“I will come down as soon as I get this pixie dust to work.”

Logan blinked. He could not believe he had just heard someone say that so sure of themselves.

“Pixie dust? That does no exist!”

Roman threw back his head and laughed. “Says you! I got some right here.”

“That is the sugar bowl.”

Patton stopped the squishing and shook his head no fast down at Logan.

“No! No it’s not. It is pixie dust.”

“Oh my Go-...look, Roman. You cannot fly,” Logan said the words with his matter of fact tone. He knew Patton was trying to keep Roman happy but this was not the way to do it. “That is sugar not pixie dust, you made up this world, and...and you are going to get hurt if you jump from that height. Hay will not break the fall.”

Roman stared down at Logan with a crest fallen expression. Logic did not know where to go from there. The fact was none of them had super natural abilities that they knew of. The child was going to have to learn this eventually.

“But...” Roman lowered the jar of pixie dust and turned his head to look at Patton.

“Maybe,” Patton hesitated and looked down at the ground and then at the boy in front of him. “Maybe we should test this closer to the ground. Just because you are going to be rusty at first and we don’t want you tumbling.”

Heart put on a big encouraging smile but the damage had been done; Logan could tell from Roman’s face. Still, the stubborn child had one trick up his sleeve.

Before either of the older sides could stop him he dumped the ‘pixie dust’ over his head and jumped off the tower.

Time went slowly for that moment. Heart went from shocked to trying to get to the edge in time to grab onto the younger boy as he fell but it was too late. The crowd around Logan cheered as the second eldest ran to try and get to the hay to catch the boy.

Roman just kept falling; muttering ‘I believe’ over and over again under his breath until he realized it was not going to work. Then he started to scream.

And time sped up again as he hit the hay and then the ground underneath it just as Logan got to the edge. The older side went tumbling right into him.

“What were you thinking!?!”

“I-I...” Creativity looked away. He didn’t fly. He would grow up. He would never be a lost boy. The thought of him almost dying left his head immediately after that realization. “I...I just want to go to Neverland!”

Tears started to spill out of his eyes and sobs racked his body. The clear skin of the child went from white to blotchy red. Real tears were coming out now and there was no stopping them. The boy hugged himself and fought against the hug that the newly grounded Patton tried to pull him into.

“Come on, Kiddo. Let’s get you back inside.”

“No! I...I got to...I got to learn to fly...I got to.”

“But it won’t-.” Logan stopped when he got the glare from Patton and the logical side looked away.

Heart rubbed soothing circle’s on the distressed side’s back and gently, ever so gently, got him into a hug. “I know...but think about this, if you went to Neverland than we would miss you.”

“I’d come back to visit.”

“Yes, but, we would grow and you would not,” Patton said slowly, “And it would be sad. So sad...plus Thomas needs you. You are very important.”

Creativity rubbed his eyes and looked up at Patton. Sniffles escaped him.

“I am?”

Patton smiled and kissed his forehead in a familial gesture. “Yes, you are. You are very important, Roman. To all of us. We are incomplete with out you. With or without the ability to fly.”

Roman sniffled a few more times but gave a watery smile at the words the eldest had given him. They were reassuring. That he would eventually feel like he found his place amongst the characters that were growing in Thomas’ head.

“Okay,” he got out, “Can...can I have some ice cream?”

“I think,” Logan said and stopped for a second when they both stared at him. He cleared his throat sat up straighter, “I think that is doable. You and Anxiety need to lift your spirits and chocolate and sugar are great at those things.”

“Anxiety? Oh, did he panic again,” Patton looked concerned and loosened his hold on Roman, “Is he alright? He is still so unused to all of this.”

Roman frowned.

“He was alright when I left him but I am unsure if he is now,” Logan informed Heart.

“Well, we better get a move on then,” Patton stated and let go of Roman entirely to stand up. He brushed the hay off his pants and than held out a hand for the frowning child.

“Come on, bucko. We got a side to see and ice cream to eat.”

Roman did not take the hand. The boy pushed himself up and started towards the entrance to the castle.

“I don’t want it anymore. You guys can have it without me.”

It was Patton’s turn to frown. “But, you said...”

“I said I don’t want it!” Roman snapped and turned the corner sharply.

Logan looked over at Patton and sighed when he saw the eldest’s distressed and confused expression. Awkwardly, the nerd pulled him into a one armed hug.

“Did...did I say something wrong?”

“No,” Logic said simply as he led the other slowly to the door, “He is just going through puberty...as we all are. This is just a mood swing, but you would know all about those.”

Heart gave a weak laugh and leaned against his friend.

“Yes, yes I would. Oh Logan, what are we going to do with them.”

“I suggested locking them in their rooms but you denied me of that so...I guess all we can do is be patient.”

Roman did not even look at the black hoodie ball that was Anxiety when he got back into the mind palace. The grumpy pre-teen made a bee line for his room and slammed the door behind him.

He had already lost his one dream since he was small but now it seemed he was losing the other two to...to that thing.

Anxiety was not even a good side. He made Thomas wary instead of daring. He made Thomas nervous about making friends and nervous about plays. His door was in the basement! A place he was told was not good for a positive side like him.

The side dressed in green went over to his bed and flopped onto it dramatically; quite like a distressed Disney Princess. He rolled over after a moment and screamed into his pillow.

Today was a terrible day. He had no character, no flight, and no one cared.

Well, if no one cares. I will care for them. You got the look out for number one, after all.

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ratsntophats · 7 years

Text

Personal

I doubt anyone will read this. I doubt anyone will care. But at this point, i need to get this out of my system. Im not looking for pity points. Im not looking for someone to give me anything at all. I just wish things were easier.

This year fucking blows. I know i know, i always try to be the optimist. Open minded, life is what you make it, yadda yadda. But honestly, there is a darkness in me too, and sometimes i just have to embrace the inevitable. I can't always be bright. I cant always feel hope. Right now i feel buried in the ground with no understanding or motivation to get back up.

Lets piece this one thing at a time.

January. January was pretty cool. I was in love with a girl and a boy, taboo I know. But i thought i was happy. I thought WE were happy. But i guess i was wrong. I was naive. I only saw what i wanted to, i guess? Anyway. In January we all went to Colorado on vacation. It was relaxing, it was fun. We eat, we got high, we saw new places. We even scouted out where we might want to move in a few years, a school we might want to attend. At the time I wasn't totally sole on this plan. Moving halfway across the country is a big deal. But no means did i think this event would bring about an end to my false happiness, the love i thought was reciprocated, from the girl i dumbly wanted to marry.

February comes around. The break up. Out of the blue i get a text. "We need to talk". I was at work when this happened. My heart sunk. Without any warning, or prior talks, i knew. I knew she had given up, somehow. I tried to convince myself that i was overreacting. Of course this wasnt what she wanted to talk about. But i retreated into the office, haunted by fear, anxiety, doubt, and confusion. I cried my eyes out. My voice came hoarse on the walkie system when my coworker tried to find me. He tried ro console me, but i couldn't explain. How could i tell him that i was dating her? She didn't want anyone to know. The entire relationship it killed me inside. I wanted the world to know that this beautiful girl was my girlfriend but she wanted to hide. She was ashamed of me, i guess. Of us. How could i explain that i thought my "roommate", who worked at the same company nonetheleas, was breaking up with me?

After a long, painful shift i returned home. We waited. She wasnt home. We waited. It wae last midnight when she returned to "talk". She explained that she had to talk to someone else first. Someone else she had just met and barely knew. She made us wait, in utmost confusion, until the middle of the night, for HER to explain what this"talk" was about.

"I think we should break up." I couldn't handle it. In one of my weakest moments, heartbroken, I ran outside the apartment sobbing, wandering the streets alone, in my PJs. I don't know how long i wae gone. Eventually we came back. More things werw discussed. I wasn't fully there, not for a while. Even after, i wasnt myself for some time. I don't know how i let it hurt me this bad. But i truly loved her. My dumb self loved her and watched her hook up with the random guy i was never supposed to worry about. It was over. She was never proud of me, of us. For all i know it could have meant nothing to her. And now here i am, almost a year later, still thinking of that beautiful girl.

The awkward month continued. I, luckily, started a new job which kept me busy. I was so excited to make a difference. I felt so proud of my first salaried job.

I was proud. Until, fast forward to months, shit hits the fan. On April Fools day of all days I get on the wrong end of a dispute with one of my clients and am shoved head first into a god damned TV stand. I have never seen so much blood in my life. I was rushed off to the ER, and found that i had broken multiple bones in my nose and cheek, plus a huge gash where i landed. I spend the night in the hospital. The next day, i am cleared to rest at home.

2 weeks of recovery go by slowly. I get a lot of messages of concern and well wishes. I return to work briefly, only allowed to do light office work. Then, i take a month long hiatus to recover from a surgery that fixes my mess of a face and protects against potential future damage with titanium plates. I am now a cyborg.

The next few months flew by, filled with stress and me trying to overcome my trauma, having to see the client that hurt me every day, having to walk into the room where i was hurt. I saw a therapist for the break up and post accident combo. I was a mess. I felt true fear for the first time. I didnt understand it and i didn't know who i was or who i had become. I felt ugly and unwanted. But i pushed myself to go to work, i pushed myself to face my fears. My work life improved so much that i no longer had a home life. I even went to work in my dreams.

Months went on like this, saying goodbye to old coworkers and hello to new ones. I strived to become better, but the job was eating me alive. I no longer felt that overwhelming fear i once had. Instead, i started to feel less and less. I wasn't myself. In fact, i hadn't been myself for quite some time. My passion for the job faded, though my love for my clients will always remain.

November. The kicker. I continued to search for jobs to free myself and make my life my own again. I had several mediocre interviews. None of them felt right. Then, i happened upon a job i truly wanted. A guidance counseling gig. My field. I spoke alone with the school principal and actually enjoyed an interview. Honestly, this was the best interview I've ever encountered. I left the school in such a good mood, excited for my future, buying my colleague donuts and coffee on my way back to the office. Though i had to work late that night, it was one night i didnt mind.

Two days later, i received a voicemail early in the morning. "I'd like to extend an offer of employment to you." I returned the call immediately after my shift, an excitedly accepted my first school counseling job! One that i had been fighting for for 5 years! Trying to be respectful, i spoke to my supervisor shortly after and gave my two weeks notice. I thought i was doing the right thing. I felt terrible for making things difficult on my colleagues, but i wasn't about to turn down this opportunity. This was my time to shine.

November 13th. I was supposed to start November 13th. The principal had informed me that i would hear back from the charter school HR in a few days, that they would be sending me over paperwork with salary information and so on. A few days passed. Nothing. I called the school, the principal was unavailable. I was told they would have him return my call. I gave them some more time. Nothing. I called again, but this time i was met with confusion. "Mr. P no longer works here." Completely baffled, i asked for more information and was told the new administrator would contact me as soon as possible. What had happened? What the heck was going on? I tried to stay optimistic and gave them more time. Still nothing. Eventually i was able to get a hold of the new principal who explained his hands were tied. He was fully aware of my situation and haf passed along my information to HR multiple times. I just had to wait for them.

I waited. And waited. Spoke to the original recruiter that contacted me about the job several times. He didnt know anything. His boss would contact me, he said. So i waited. Finally i received a vague email of some HR personnel asking for a good time to speak over the phone. I was able to clarify that this was one of the people I had been waiting for! We set up a time to talk and i anxiously waited for her to call me with my new salary and details on my start date.

She called, but not about that. This was an interview. A what? A interview. I had to continue to interview for the position i had thought i had already accepted. There was some weird ass miscommunication going on. But i went with it. Once the call was over, i just cried. I had been waiting and waiting for someone to give me more information, and now they had left me with even more questions?

Later that week, i think, my timeline is fuzzy, i received another phone call for ANOTHER interview. I had to interview once again for the job i thought was mine. I went, hoping for the best, but my stomach in knots. Once there, i was told to fill out an application. ARE YOU SERIOUS??? i filled out thw stupid paper and was eventually ushered into the woman's office for the worst interview of my life. I'm not kidding. I had the best and worst interviews in my life within one month FOR THE SAME FLIPPING JOB. The lady stonewalled me for over an hour. Seriously. Question after question after question. I lost myself. I couldn't answer so many of her specifics and the silence of my not knowung was killing me. I wanted to die. To top it all off, she asked me why i left my previous job. Are you serious? I was honest. I told her that i had accepted ths job from the principal and was due to start. No comment, no apologies for communication. She didn't even bat an eye.

And then it was over. I left and returned home, a wreck, on November 13th, the same day i was supposed to start working at my "dream job". Two days later i saw the job posted again on indeed. It still haunts me to this day. I never heard from the stonewall lady, or any of HR, again. Who knows where Mr. P went.

And here i am, nearly a month later, jobless, essentially a hermit, drinking a bottle of wine in the shower before crawling into bed and sobbing. Okay, it was like a 1/4 of a bottle. But still. I'm a mess.

Ironically? I was offered another job. Im going to fill out paperwork tomorrow. But i dont want it. I don't trust it. I actually didn't officially accept it but i think theyre trying to get me by all means possible. A marketing job. The people feel nice, but it feels sketchy. How sad that the idea of a new job makes me break down into tears. How do i know its mine? Do i even want it? What do i want? I dont know anymore.

This became far longer than expected. Perhaps I'm overdue. I wonder what the future holds for me.

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