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thanksjro · 3 years

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Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One

TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE

So.

This is a little different than what I usually do.

Clearly.

God, how did we even get here?

Oh, I remember.

The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.

...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.

I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.

And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.

Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.

This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.

Anyway.

How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.

Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.

Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.

It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?

The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.

Haha, I doubt it.

So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.

Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don’t count.

Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.

Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.

For loving his child.

We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.

The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.

We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?

No. Not at all, actually.

Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.

The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered. Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?

This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.

See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.

It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.

But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!

We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.

Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.

It’s just a shame that I don’t care.

Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.

Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.

We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.

Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.

Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.

Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.

I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.

Anyway.

Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.

Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.

Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.

Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.

Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.

Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.

“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.

Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.

Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.

Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.

Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.

Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”

As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.

As if women are property to be owned.

As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.

We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.

We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.

Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.

Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.

Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).

The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.

Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.

Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.

Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.

Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?

Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.

The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.

Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.

Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.

Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-

A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?

You can’t be fucking serious.

ANYWAY.

Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.

As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn’t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.

Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.

She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.

This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.

It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.

I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.

The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.

As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don’t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.

Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.

Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.

He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.

Which made me groan aloud.

Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.

Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.

Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.

The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-

The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-

She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.

Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.

The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-

With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.

We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.

Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.

Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.

The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.

However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.

Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.

And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.

Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.

Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.

Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.

The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.

Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?

Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.

With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.

Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.

So they try it again.

This time it works, sort of.

At the very least, he’s left now.

Tail fell off, though.

Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.

Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea. But what do I know?

Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven. It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.

Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.

Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.

Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.

Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours. 

After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.

The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.

Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.

Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.

As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.

Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”

Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.

The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.

Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.

LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.

Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?

Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.

There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.

The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.

Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.

While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.

Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!

Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.

Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”

Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.

This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.

All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.

It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.

But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.

Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.

Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.

Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.

Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”

Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.

Judy doesn’t count.

As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.

I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.

We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.

Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.

We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.

In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.

Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.

Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.

Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.

Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.

Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?

This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.

I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.

Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.

Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.

No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.

If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.

When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.

Don’t ask how that works, it just does.

So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.

Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!

Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.

Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.

This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.

Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.

Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.

For about 20 seconds.

Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.

Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn’t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.

Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.

While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.

I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.

Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.

Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.

Ratchet’s fine, by the way.

The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.

Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.

Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.

She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.

Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.

Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.

Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.

Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”

We still have another hour of this movie.

The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.

As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.

Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.

Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.

Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.

Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”

Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.

Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.

Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.

I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.

Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.

Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.

...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.

But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.

Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.

The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.

No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.

Nope, that doesn’t happen either.

Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.

Repeatedly.

They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.

Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.

Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.

Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.

When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?

Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.

Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.

Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.

Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.

Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.

Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.

We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.

Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.

Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.

I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.

Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.

And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.

Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.

Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.

We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.

Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.

Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.

Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.

Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.

We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.

Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.

Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.

We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.

Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!

Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!

The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.

Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.

There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.

Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!

Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!

The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.

Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.

Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?

Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.

Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.

Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.

Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.

Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.

They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.

Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.

Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.

Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.

This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.

Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.

Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.

Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.

Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.

Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?

Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.

Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.

Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.

Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.

Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.

Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.

Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.

Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.

Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.

The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.”

Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.

Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.

The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.

Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.

Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.

The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.

Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.

Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.

Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.

Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?

Oh, right, because ~girl~.

Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.

Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.

Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.

Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.

Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.

Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.

Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.

Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.

Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.

Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.

Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.

He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.

Y’know.

Like a vast, predatory bird.

Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.

Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.

Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.

Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.

I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?

Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.

Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.

He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.

While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.

Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee “I’ll drive, you shoot.”

Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.

The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.

Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.

Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.

Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.

I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.

No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.

Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.

Feminist icon Megatron?

Feminist icon Megatron.

Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.

Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.

I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.

Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”

Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.

The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.

The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.

Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.

Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.

Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.

Congrats on your first murder, Sam.

Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.

Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.

In tow.

In tow-

Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.

Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.

Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.

Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.

Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.

Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.

Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.

The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.

Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.

And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.

The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.

And that’s where they leave us.

IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.

So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.

And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?

When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.

What a mess.

--------------------------

COMING SOON:

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY

#transformers #bayverse #part one #maccadam #Hannzreads #Hannzwatches #text post #long post #film analysis #off topic

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nanowrimo · 3 years

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For those of you unfamiliar with Pitchapalooza, here’s the skinny: You get 250 words to pitch your book. Twenty pitches will be randomly selected from all submissions. We will then critique the pitches during a live webinar on March 13, 12PM PT, so you get to see what makes a great pitch. At the end of the webinar, we will choose one winner from the group.

The winner will receive an introduction to an agent or publisher appropriate for their manuscript.

Beginning February 1, 2021, you can email your pitch to [email protected]. PLEASE DO NOT ATTACH YOUR PITCH, JUST EMBED IT IN THE EMAIL. Include your title and your name at the top of your pitch. All pitches must be received by 11:59PM PT on February 28, 2021.

We will also crown a Fan Favorite who will receive a free one-hour consult with us (worth $250). On March 14, 2021, the 20 random pitches will be posted on our website, www.thebookdoctors.com. Anyone can vote for a fan favorite, so get your social media engine running as soon as the pitches go up! Connecting with your future readers is a vital part of being a successfully published author, and this is a great way to get some practice. Voting closes at 11:59PM PT on March 31, 2021. Fan Favorite will be announced on April 1, 2021.

NaNoWriMo Pitchapalooza Success Stories

It’s been a great year for past NaNoWriMo Pitchapalooza winners. Gloria Chao won the 2015 NaNoWriMo Pitchapalooza with the novel that would become her critically-acclaimed debut American Panda. Her second novel, Our Wayward Fate, came out in 2019 and her third novel, Rent a Boyfriend, is out now from Simon & Schuster Books for Young Readers.

In 2016, May Cobb ran away with NaNoWriMo Pitchapalooza. She's been capturing attention ever since. This time it was a "heated six-publisher auction" that ended with Berkley winning the rights to publish her latest thriller The Hunting Wives, which was pitched as In a Dark, Dark Wood meets Mean Girls. Berkley plans its release for May 18, 2021.

Stacy McAnulty has been on fire since she won our third NaNoWriMo Pitchapalooza, publishing twenty-five books and counting. Her latest novel, Millionaires for the Month, is out now from Random House Books for Young Readers. Kirkus calls it "cinematic, over-the-top decadence, a tense race against time, and lessons on what’s truly valuable." Stacy also signed a deal with Random House to publish another middle grade novel, A Penny Doubled, pitched as How to Steal a Dog meets Brewster's Millions. Look for it in spring of this year. She’ll also publish three picture books in 2021: A Small Kindness (February 2), Mars! (February 9), and Brains! Not Just a Zombie Snack (August 31).

“Winning Pitchapalooza gave me confidence and the courage to keep fighting. It also helped bring my manuscript to the next level.”

–Gloria Chao

IMPORTANT NANOWRIMO PITCHAPALOOZA DATES

Monday, February 1, 2021: Pitch submission opens

Sunday, February 28, 2021: Final day to submit pitches

Saturday, March 13, 2021: NaNoWriMo Pitchapalooza live on YouTube

Sunday, March 14, 2021: Voting for Fan Favorite begins at www.thebookdoctors.com

Wednesday, March 31, 2021: Final day to vote for Fan Favorite

Thursday, April 1, 2021: Fan Favorite announced at www.thebookdoctors.com

NANOWRIMO PITCHAPALOOZA FAQS

Q: May I submit more than one pitch?

A: Yes, you may submit multiple pitches. Please include your book’s title and your name at the top of each pitch.

Q: How are the 20 pitches selected?

A: The 20 pitches are randomly selected; however, we read all the pitches.

Q: Are the choices for Fan Favorite also randomly selected?

A: Yes. They are the same 20 pitches that we read during the webinar.

Q: Will a recording be available?

A: Yes. You’ll be able to view the recording at our website.

Q: Where can I learn more about writing my pitch?

A: We offer resources on our YouTube channel. We recommend that you watch “The Art of the Book Pitch”, last year’s NaNoWriMo Pitchapalooza, and our Pitch Tips playlist. Hungry for more examples? Check out our Pitchapalooza playlist. You can find Gloria Chao’s pitch tips here.

Are you feeling a little unsure about exactly how to craft your pitch? We’ve got you covered.

10 TIPS FOR PITCHING YOUR NOVEL

A great pitch is like a poem. Every word counts.

Make us fall in love with your hero. Whether you’re writing a novel or memoir, you have to make us root for your flawed but lovable hero.

Make us hate your villain. Show us someone unique and dastardly whom we can’t wait to hiss at.

Just because your kids love to hear your story at bedtime doesn’t mean you’re automatically qualified to get a publishing deal. So make sure not to include this information in your pitch.

If you have any particular expertise that relates to your novel, tell us. Establishing your credentials will help us trust you.

Your pitch is your audition to show us what a brilliant writer you are, so it has to be the very best of your writing.

Don’t make your pitch a book report. Make it sing and soar and amaze.

A pitch is like a movie trailer. You start with an incredibly exciting/funny/sexy/romantic/etc. close-up with intense specificity, then you pull back to show the big picture and tell us the themes and broad strokes that build to a climax.

Leave us with a cliffhanger. The ideal reaction to a pitch is, “Oh my God, what happens next?”

Show us what’s unique, exciting, valuable, awesome, unexpected, about your project, and why it’s comfortable, familiar and proven.

Join our newsletter to receive more tips on how to get published.

Arielle Eckstut and David Henry Sterry have appeared everywhere from NPR’s Morning Edition to The New York Times to The Wall Street Journal to USA Today. They have taught everywhere from Stanford University to the Miami Book Festival to the granddaddy of American bookstores, Strand Books in New York City.

Their book, The Essential Guide to Getting Your Book Published, is the go-to book on the subject, and contains all the information you’ll ever need, taking you through the entire process of conceiving, writing, selling, marketing and promoting your book.

#nanowrimo #pitchapalooza #now what #writing #the book doctors #by nano guest #arielle eckstut #david henry sterry

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lady-writes · 4 years

Text

So I was reading fic, as one does, when I had a characterization idea, as one does, that dropped me into a wiki hole, naturally. So now I have meta, tentatively titled:

Or How to fuck up a team

Bear with me here, Everything that happens in The Old Guard can be blamed on the Church of England and a critical lack of Respecting Women Juice.

I would “In this essay, I will,” But that would be an insult to essays. What follows is a ADHD ramble that keeps pinballing into even higher scoring holes in my head. I apologize.

Looking at most teams in media you have tropes and those tropes kinda make up the way we read characters. This isn't a bad thing, I’m not saying anything new here; much like DND alignments tropes kinda help you build characters, and figure out paths that they should take.

So The Old Guard, I fucking love this movie, the comics are an imperfect delight, All of it is living rent free in my head for the foreseeable future. Love is stored in The found Family Trope! I’m writing fanfiction for the first time in a fucking Decade and I Hate It! Which is fitting because its Book of Nile and that’s in the Manifesto!!! I’ve been ruminating on why Not Enough People Love Nile Freeman apart from the obvious (misogynoir) and myself struggling with my my brain cant get over the sad french rat man WHen! NILE! IS! RIGHT! THERE! I will come back to this point.~

SO Tropes, for groups tropes exist two, dynamic duos, golden trios, etc. And the Old Guard was fucking with me because the tropes kept falling like one or two hairs off. For the purposes of this I am ignoring Lykon***, because I need to sleep at some point tonight and I cant characterize him the best based on 15 seconds of screentime.

The big group tropes that suit the canon here are: The Five Man Band, The Command Crew, Damage-Healer-Tank and its variants, The Four Temperament and the Four Philosophy Ensembles. They’re all linked and none of them are perfect but together they do the damn job.

(sweet jesus im making graphics quarantine is a bitch i need my fuckin job back)

The Guard at its Largest and Earliest is a quartet. Andromache, Quynh, Joe, Nicolo. They Work: a head, a heart, and two arms, which is more or less my conception of the Guard. The problem comes when the Church of mother fucking England comes along and tells a bunch a folks that the weird lady on the edge of town isn't touched in the head nah she's a whole ass witch, we’re gonna kill her. That's Just Not On, enter our dudes.

The other point about the guard here is that when split they form pretty solid and clean head and heart couples, which wouldn’t you know the mix-match of those seem quite well liked by the fandom at large. Anyways CoE is shitty and removes Quynh from our team and this is where everything goes to fuck.

Basically, as soon as Andy loses her second/emotional support everything falls out of alignment and the team isn't self sustaining anymore so to speak

The team loses its proverbial heart yes, but that shouldn't be insurmountable, in all of the various group trope set ups heart (The Chick, The Medic, The Optimist, Choleric, center column for RPG) is never really the top of the list, usually second some times further down. The key is that everyone of these has something/someone at the center, a fulcrum or balance. That should be Andromache, the oldest, most objective and experienced etc etc. But unlike less human hero’s Andromache kinda goes to shit, which is what makes her a fun character to watch, she's struggling that’s relatable, we all know how it works.

But She falls out of the leader position in all the emotional ways, from what we see, and in just about all configurations, she falls into the least stable trope. The only one where she doesn’t is The Command Crew, which of course that grouping is all about Function and obviously Andromache the Scythian has all her function based cylinders firing. Possibly too much even, at the start of the film the team is regrouping after a break, they needed R&R, the work was getting to heavy. And we see Andy’s fatigue repeatedly in the film but she’s the Captain, She Goes First. Injury and exhaustion don’t matter, because she has to function and there’s no one in the second position to take that burden off of her.

By my estimation the Guard is working in this sorta configs for the majority of the movie

(im on a roll and I’ve accepted my fate)

Where I doubled thing up the “natural position” is first and the Post Quynh position follows

So now things are outta whack and Booker comes along. Now pls understand the this is Not Making excuses for, or Woobifying. Booker failed to communicate and chose to treat his team/family as collateral.* This entire motherfucking thesis essay came about as me trying to figure out why Booker fits into the team so awkwardly and Lo! So anywhere from 150-60 years after Quynh is sunk, The team dreams of a new dude. The fandom has made a lot of the fact that Booker was a conscript not a fighter of his own will. And depending on Quynh’s origns he may be alone in that. So a dude who was stuck in a war he didnt choose finds out hes immortal while hanging from a noose in the ass end of Russia. Not a good day.

We know when the team finds him he insists on going back to his family, beyond all counseling then within 50 years give or take he’s back and he’s the New Guy, The New guy is always gonna be 2 things, full of shiny new skills and with not a clue how things work . That character become a bit of dead weight that needs carrying but also a resource in all the places they have new information. And here’s the second really unfortunate thing. Altogether TOG fandom knows 3 overarching things about Booker: He loved his family to the point of despair; he’s cares about his family’s opinions, wellbeing, and happiness; he’s lonely alcoholic, and depressed as fuck. As torn up as he stays about his family (nearly crying in a cave talking to Nile more than a century later!) its a fair assumption that he would throw him self into the team when he returned.

I am not going to assume from the outset that the dude who sat at his son’s bedside and tried to be a good Father after he literally died, jumped headfirst into the bottle at the first chance (also the makeup doesn’t support it and the makeup dept. did a fair amount of the work of making booker look like an alcoholic) My guess is his first move after grieving was the distract himself with the team, learning and teaching in kind. They don’t have the relationship that Joe Nicky and Andy are so upset about him destroying outta know where. Booker probably wanted to make himself as useful as possible and knowing about Quynh he knew that his presence was the thing that made them a foursome again.

In short, Booker picked up every single fucking role he saw empty and tried to fill it because it would distract him from his pain (it didn’t that’s what talking/therapy is for but oops 1812) and because it made him needed and useful again. The guy’s quintessential character trait is grieving Father. He was determined to provide for his first family, which is how he ended up in the army anyways and it stands to reason that he would do the same for the Guard. It’s no mistake that the thing that hooks him on his suicide attempt is the idea of saving other people from pain/grief.

So this guy is putting all his familial angst on the team (silently) and picking up what’s needed, Like finding jobs, a task that probably used to be Joe’s, staying up on current tech, forging, fighting. And eventually drinking when its not enough to deal. So the teams proverbial squishy wizard (the only who had no formal fight training before he died) is pulling double duty, which isn’t a problem unto itself.

But he becomes Andy’s Partner. Joe and Nicky are a pair she clearly doesn’t begrudge them that. She and Book are the spares, on and off the job. I’m sure the idea of a 70 year old immortal trying to comfort a 6000 year old immortal on losing her wife sounded ridiculous to him too, so he empathize and followed her lead(new kid) And Andy, fairly given both loss and the relative span of time for her, Is still out of alignment, She’s not necessarily acting as a leader, though I’m sure by this point Booker clearly regarded her as one. But instead of moving past the tragedies of his mortal life Booker is still living with that grief (it was all the two of them had as he said)

This is not a good look. Andy lacks emotional support and the team props her up where they can but none of them have anything close to the literal scale of experience she’s working with. Yusuf and Nicolo pick up slack in certain places, but have each other to retreat into and importantly an Idea of the Before times. They know exactly which niches to fill or leave empty. Booker lacks emotional support (his fault), is floundering at how to deal with/fit into the team (everyone’s fault) and most likely trying to overcompensate for feeling out of place by doing As Much As He Can (not a bug but a feature)

ENTER NILE FREEMAN: THE PERSON WHO MADE IT ALL MAKE SENSE

(YA’LL THOUGHT I WAS DONE????)

Bookers exile is reflected here and the Grey roles in Niles chart represent the places where his absence affects her entry to the team

As soon as I came back to Nile It made sense, Bookers ungodly block of meta and analysis of how this sad white boy got broke is a direct result of the moment I realized how much Emotional Labor and Weight just got dropped on Nile’s sweet 26 year old shoulders. Because the facts are:

Andy is just now in the year of No Lords 2020 pulling her head out of the 500 year funk that she and then she and Booker wallowed in. For 500 years the team functioned around her warped heart. For me this is not a Fault of Andy, its quite squarely on the Goddamned Shitshow of the Medieval Church of England.

Because to be quite frank, a 6700 year old woman is allowed 500 years to mourn her 2500 year old relationship. Looking at those numbers Andy was doing fine on the getting over it front.

Nile and Booker’s fuck up (and arguably her mortality) woke Andy up to herself again, but had that not happened; Nile’s first century would have been unbearable, The New Kid in a team where now Everyone is emotionally traumatized, you’re picking up the slack of the Heavy they just had to exile.** Hopefully bringing in Copely removes Navigator from her row, but instead of that she gets the honor of Andy proverbially passing her the torch.

The Movie makes it clear as do the Comics that Nile is going to be Andy’s Second if not eventually her replacement. Not as a replacement for Quynh though, Nile doesn’t have the temperament for that. Which means that Nile ends up in a different awkward position to Bookers. The hero in training, who doesn’t have a “sidekick” to balance the load with. To be fair Andy was a lone hero for 3000 years, but that was a very VERY different world. Andy literally could not know 1/4 of the scope of the problems that Nile will “inherit.” The scope of the current world would have been like looking out the other side of a black hole to that Andromache

And Nile is no less compassionate than Booker, pragmatism would have said to leave the person, who 1) shot your boss 2)abandoned your team 3) wants to die 4) asked you to leave him there. So that is the terrible horrible no good very bad predicament that Nile Freeman undeservedly finds her self in that leads to having to use her own body to turn Dudley Dursley into a pancake.

~ This is where the point about why the Frenchman when Nile is right there pops back up. The coda puts a close on Nile’s Story to an extent. One way or another Nile in the next 6 months to a year in universe is going to have some amount of the excess weight taken off of her. Quynh’s reappearance in any function makes that inevitable even if it comes from Andy’s Death, because if Andy Dies the table is wiped clean and rearranges itself especially I would imagine if that death comes before Nile even turn 50.

Nile has baggage, Nile has a carry-on and a pair of checked bags and she’s checking in for a first class delta flight. Armed with her headphones of emotional awareness and well being she gonna get through the turbulence of her first lifetime almost certainly

Andromache is promised much of the same. Especially in a world where she and Quynh are afforded the grace of getting to fight and sit and talk and find absolution and resolution for the Literal Worst We’re On A Break/It’s Long Distance of all time.

Yusuf and Nicolo will get over this shit together and fuck off into the sunset, as has been written many mmmmany times.

Booker on the other hand is taking off from Kitty Hawk, in a Wright Brothers replica with 2 moving trucks worth of luggage. He is a flaming human disaster heading for the water. And people fucking love looking at Crash wreckage and flames. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

In a just and perfect world with out the Church of England these fuckers would be a Well Oiled Machine though, like FUUUUUCK

(ONE LAST TIIIIME)

There are some question marks as to where people will fall in a post crisis setting, I’m taking the most optimistic view myself.

Ultimately Booker, should be the universal heart of the team, they just need to let him be Q/Ops because THATS A VALID TEAM POSITION TOO. And then he’s always perfectly positioned to be Nile’s emotional support person as well.

TL: DR

- Give Nile a Fighter Jet instead of the Axe****

- Booker’s grief counselor says house husband would be the best occupation for him,

- Andy needs Therapy more than Booker but Maybe some day he’ll be equipped to give it,

- Quyhn should be allowed to ritually destroy the Church of England and drown the Pope because they nearly destroyed her family

Fin.

*In a perfect world based on this meta, Booker would have called everything out and spilled his guts after the Sudan shitshow pushed Andy to call it Quits or most Certainly after dreaming of Nile, but alas, The Plot!

**Potentially I like to think Nile has the good sense and emotional literacy to say when its to much for her unlike certain french folk

*** Lykon I’m sorry. Your Smile is Radiant and you are clearly Heart/Smart Guy/Sanguine/Optimistic/Tank. YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN TO BE A BOISTEROUS BRUISER. You deserve better and someday perhaps I will write an epic about how this never happened if you had been around

**** I fully accept the headcanon from the glorious ionsquare fic that Nile inherits and wears into battle Bookers Napoleonic sabre. But let my good bitch fly some planes and spaceships too. Its the millennial dream

#the old guard #meta #tog meta #andromache the scythian #quyhn #nicolo di genova #yusuf al kaysani #sebastien le livre #nile freeman #Lykon #LYKON DESERVED MORE #andromaquynh #nicojoe #book of nile #Comics Nile is a tired millenial and an ENTIRE MOOD #sweet christ i wrote nearly 3k #this could have just been the fic #words words hateful words

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londonspirit · 3 years

Link

After the pandemic delayed its highly-anticipated release, the In the Heights movie is finally coming to very thirsty fans this Friday - and, to make the premiere even better, a special behind-the-scenes look at the movie is hitting bookshelves. In the Heights: Finding Home is a joint venture with Lin-Manuel Miranda, screenwriter Quiara Alegría Hudes, and Jeremy McCarter - it combines never-before-seen photos and oral history style-storytelling to take readers onto the Washington Heights set, spilling all sorts of filming secrets. Here, in an exclusive excerpt, read along as the cast battles record heat to complete the "Carnaval del Barrio" number.

Washington Heights is dense enough, and lively enough, to offer a distilled version of the New York paradox: Life is a nerve-fraying ordeal that you miss terribly as soon as it's gone. (According to local custom, people don't just double-park here, they triple-park.) Everybody knew that shooting a movie there would be difficult and expensive. But Jon [M. Chu, the director,] couldn't imagine doing it any other way.

For all of its fantastical touches-what Jon calls its "sing-to-the-stars-y" energy-Heights has always drawn power from its realism, a depiction of life as it's actually lived. The sweet spot for the movie, Jon felt, would be offering "a very truthful take on living in Washington Heights, then upping it."

In other words: No matter how fraught the process might be, the cast, the crew, and all of their gear-up to and including their fake sun in the sky-were going to spend the summer of 2019 in Washington Heights.

"The essence of a movie dictates where you shoot it," explains Kevin McCormick, a Warner Bros. executive who was integral to Heights. "And there's no way you could not have made this in Washington Heights. To have a movie about this community and not film there would be such a lost opportunity."

The first thing they did there was listen. Members of the production team, particularly Samson Jacobson, the location manager (born and raised in the area-a definite plus), and Karla Sayles, the director of public affairs at Warner Bros., met with community leaders to field questions and respond to concerns. Once again, Luis Miranda was a vital resource, drawing on relationships he had built over decades to make introductions.

The producers vowed to do all they could to limit the physical footprint of the shoot. Cast members shared trailers that they might otherwise have kept to themselves. The production hired people from the neighborhood for roles onscreen and off. Instead of catering every meal, they encouraged actors and crew to buy lunch in area restaurants. They even funded a student production of the show at George Washington high school.

What you see onscreen is a two-hour-and-fourteen-minute record of movie professionals falling in love with a place and its people. They arrived uptown to discover that Washington Heights really was different from most places in New York. Locals opened the hydrants on hot afternoons and played dominoes on the sidewalks. The piragüeros really did park their carts on the sidewalk to hawk their flavors of the day. The fascination seemed to be mutual: Actors got used to seeing whole families-little kids and their abuelitas-watching from their stoops at any time of the day or night.

Which is not to say that it came easily.

To Alice Brooks, the director of photography, the weather problems were "insane." If a storm popped up on the radar anywhere nearby, they had to suspend production. This happened with schedule-wrecking regularity. They expected to be free of such interruptions when they went underground to shoot "Paciencia y Fe" on the subway. Instead, they experienced a torment familiar to every New Yorker but with a twist: They weren't waiting for the train to appear so they could ride it to work, they just needed the garbage train to pass by so they could go back to shooting their movie.

The need to solve the endless riddles of New York filmmaking had led the producers to add Anthony Bregman to the team. At this point, he reckons, he's filmed in just about every corner of his hometown, always looking for ways to capture the authentic look and feel of a place-even when the movie is surreal. (He produced Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, a valuable point of reference for the reality-bending frame of Quiara's screenplay.) So he wasn't especially rattled when, on the night they filmed "Alabanza," a nearby building caught fire, or when, on another night, gunshots rang out nearby.

"You want the life of the city?" Anthony asks. "The life of the city is complicated."

The production lost valuable shooting time on both of those nights. They found ways to make it up later. But other days offered no second chances. Anthony remembers looking at the calendar before summer began, getting a feel for what lay ahead. Some days seemed manageable; some days seemed tough. Then there was "Carnaval del Barrio."

"That day," he says, "was impossible."

What turned out to be a defining episode in the whole long history of In the Heights almost didn't happen at all. Many a movie executive had suggested over the years that there wasn't enough plot in "Carnaval del Barrio" to justify a song that was very long and very crowded, which made it very expensive. But the song's power doesn't come from the plot, it comes from the theme. The characters rally one another's spirits amid a citywide blackout. They raise their flags and celebrate their heritage-and their humanity-in defiance of every force telling them not to.

That community-fortifying aspect of the song is "essentially the DNA of In the Heights for me," Quiara says. Beneath the joy, there's a legacy of struggle and resilience. " 'Carnaval' unearths that history. All we have is our fight to be here together, the testimony to our spirit."

To help ensure that the number would remain in the movie, she hooked it into the plot more securely, situating it as a farewell number for the salon ladies, who have been priced out of the neighborhood. But the budget wasn't the only limiting factor. "Carnaval" is unique in requiring virtually every member of the cast to be present at the same time.

The actors' complicated schedules meant that Jon wouldn't get all the filming days he wanted. He would get only one.

Which meant it was time for the hard, slow, unglamorous legwork of moviemaking: planning, organizing, rehearsing, designing, equipping, and rehearsing some more-months of it, all to give themselves the best possible chance to "make the day," to film the whole gigantic number in the time available.

In the world of making movies, "day" is a flexible unit of time, especially for a scene that would be filmed outdoors- in this case, a courtyard between two apartment buildings around the corner from where Lin went to preschool. They scheduled the shoot for a Monday, when union rules would let them start the earliest. And they picked June 24, one of the longest days of the year.

They didn't realize it would also be one of the hottest.

The song would be filmed more or less in order. Which meant that for the production, as for the characters, the salon ladies would lead the way.

Some of the movie's actors were new to musicals. Not Daphne Rubin-Vega, who plays Daniela. When Rent blew the mind of seventeen-year-old Lin-Manuel Miranda, she was onstage, playing Mimi. But when she arrived for hair and makeup on "Carnaval" day-at 4:30 in the morning-even she was feeling nerves. The uneven concrete floor of the courtyard wasn't like where they had rehearsed. The prospect of filming a seven-page song before nightfall seemed crazy.

She began to hear a voice of doubt in her brain, one that's encoded in a specific ugly memory. After wrapping her first film, she had gone to the airport to fly home to New York and mentioned to the woman at the ticket counter that she had just acted in a movie.

"That's funny," said the woman, who Daphne believes to have been Latina like herself. "You don't look like an actress."

Worries about how they looked, questions about what they were wearing, a general feeling of negativity-Dascha Polanco was feeling them, too. She always loved arriving on set to play Cuca, one of Daniela's fellow salon ladies, because it felt so much like coming home. She was born in the Dominican Republic and while growing up in Brooklyn used to make frequent trips to the Heights with her friends. ("Washington Heights is a small Dominican Republic," she explains.) Now she, too, wondered if she belonged. Am I capable of remembering the steps? she asked herself.

She decided to stop those doubts-for herself and the other salon ladies. She grabbed the hands of Daphne and Stephanie Beatriz, who played Carla, and formed the women into a profane prayer circle.

"Shake that s--- off," she told them. "I'm not going to let anyone or anything interfere with my performance today."

Daphne laughs as she tells the story. "She was so hilarious and said we were going to protect each other from that insecurity. That was such a beautiful thing-going in there with that determination to represent."

By 5:30 A.M., when the sun rose over Queens, sixty dancers had arrived. Christopher Scott, the film's choreographer, tried to prepare them for what was coming, backed by his full team of associate choreographers: Emilio Dosal, Ebony Williams, and Dana Wilson, as well as associate Latin choreographer Eddie Torres, Jr., and assistant Latin choreographer Princess Serrano. By six A.M., dozens of crew members had joined them, making the thousand careful adjustments needed to help a movie look spontaneous.

It was almost nine A.M. by the time Jon called "Action." The cameras started rolling, Daphne started singing, and the clock kept ticking.

Arrange the actors, position the cameras, do a take, reset everybody, do it again. As the sun climbed higher that morning, the temperature rose to what one crew member estimated to be nine hundred degrees. Look closely-see the sweat on people's bodies? Most of it didn't come from the makeup department. But there wasn't time for extra breaks to cool off.

"Please be quiet," a voice on the loudspeaker boomed at one point. "We gotta go."

At one point that morning, Jimmy Smits got his turn to shine. Playing Kevin Rosario wasn't his first Height experience. He had seen the show Off-Broadway and been "blown away" by it, he says. He had offered to help in any way he could, eventually recording a radio ad for the show.

His devotion to Heights carried into rehearsals for the film. As they got underway, he told Chris Scott and the choreography team, "I know I'm playing the dad, but the last thing I want to see is myself in the background, just waving my hands. I want to go all in." They obliged him. He sometimes hobbled home from the dance studio to ice himself for hours.

His payoff came on "Carnaval" day. He had a featured moment in the song: an intricate, whirling combination. The cast and crew watched him do it again and again, cheering him on. He could feel "a lightning bolt of energy" around the set, something he'd experienced only rarely in his long career.

Over the applause after one take, a voice rang out, ricocheting off the walls: "That s--- was crazy! For our ancestors!" It was Anthony Ramos. He, too, had a long history with Heights, but it wasn't as happy as Jimmy's.

Very early in his career, he had tried to get cast as Sonny on the show's national tour. It meant taking a bus into Manhattan from a gig he was doing in New Jersey, going through round after round of auditions. At last he made it to the big moment: a callback in front of Tommy Kail, Alex Lacamoire, and Lin himself.

He gave the song everything he had. He didn't get the part.

He thought he'd missed the one chance he would get to work with Lin, the writer who'd evoked Anthony's own world, Latino New York, so beautifully on a Broadway stage. He needn't have worried. A few years later, the same guys would hire him to originate the roles of John Laurens and Philip Hamilton, Alexander's son, in Hamilton.

When Anthony got to know Tommy and Lac well enough, he asked if they remembered not casting him as Sonny. They said they did.

"You weren't ready yet," Lac said.

Anthony knew he was right. "Only a homie would tell you that," he says.

But he needed one more break to make his way back to Heights and find himself sweating in the courtyard that morning.

In 2018, Stephanie Klemons, an original cast member of both In the Heights and Hamilton, directed a production of Heights at the Kennedy Center in Washington. The night before rehearsals were set to begin, she lost an actor to an injury. She reached out to Anthony: Could he step in with zero notice?

He didn't feel physically or mentally ready, and was about to pass, but decided to do it. That's how he got a second chance to show Lin what he could do in Heights-not as Sonny this time, as Usnavi. In a series of tweets, reproduced on this page, Lin commemorated how overwhelmed he was watching Anthony step into the role he once played. He, Quiara, and Jon all agreed that when the cameras started rolling, Anthony should be their Usnavi.

The bond between Anthony and Lin added to the drama of filming "Carnaval." Lin played Piragua Guy, so he was in the courtyard, too-or, rather, directly above it, on a fire escape. It meant that the whole cast and crew had a clear view of the brief duet that he and Anthony sing in the middle of the number. To people who knew their history, the sight made time go all swirly. Anthony had originated the role of Lin's son in Hamilton, and now he was playing the role that Lin had originated, and somehow the two of them were singing a duet in Washington Heights.

A quirk of the production process made the moment even stranger and more potent. All day, the actors had been singing along to prerecorded versions of "Carnaval" piped over the loudspeakers. But somehow they hadn't gotten around to recording Anthony's side of his duet, so they had to fall back on the only other version on hand: the Broadway cast album. Which meant that Lin wasn't just singing with Anthony that day, he was harmonizing with himself at age twenty-eight, when every bit of what was happening around him would have seemed like a ludicrous dream. "It was like time travel," Lin says.

By three p.m., when everybody had returned from their lunch break-blood sugar bolstered by the ice cream truck that Stephanie Beatriz had hired-time was growing shorter, the day hotter. Now when choreographer Chris Scott talked to the dancers, many listened with hands on hips, hands on knees.

From his fire escape, Lin did his bit to keep up morale. He joined in the clapping that broke out between scenes; he made silly faces; he pulled up his shirt and did belly rolls. Guests watched from the edges of the shoot: Lin's dad and wife, Quiara's sister, Chris's mom, Anthony's sister and mom. Anna Wintour stopped by.

Jon is not the type to direct through a bullhorn, barking orders from the shade. When they'd filmed "96,000" earlier that month on a couple of unseasonably frigid days, he had jumped in the Highbridge Park pool with the cast.

On this day, he darted around the courtyard, giving notes to actors, framing shots, conferring with Alice. He is also not the type to speak in mystical terms, but when he thinks back on that day, he remembers "the sun shining down like a laser-it was like the sun was shining out of everybody."

By late afternoon, the boundary between the make-believe world of the movie and the real world of the shoot had all but melted away. They had reached the part of the song where Usnavi and Daniela try to call forth their neighbors' pride in where they come from. Anthony climbed onto a picnic table and faced the whole cast, rapping, "Can we sing so loud and raucous they can hear us across the bridge in East Secaucus?" Daphne stood near him, arms wide apart, raising them up, willing everybody to stand tall, to keep going.

Both of them were throwing all their skill and commitment into their performances, the stars of two of Broadway's epoch-making musicals doing what they had trained to do. But they also weren't acting.

"To raise the flag for your country, to dance and recognize that we're all here together, and belong here, we don't need to be forgiven for it, or ashamed for it," says Daphne of what she was feeling. "There's a pride in being here from Colombia, or Panama, the D.R., Puerto Rico, Cuba, wherever."

At eight o'clock, with the sun sinking toward New Jersey, the dancers were still dancing. Eleven hours had passed since Daphne had belted out "Hey!" to start the song. Now Jon was trying to get the right take of sixty-plus voices shouting "Hey!" to finish it. In the movie version of the scene, the blackout ends when the song does, so a voice on the loudspeaker would announce, "The power's on!" That's how the actors knew the right moment to cheer that it was over.

After one such cheer, it really was over. Not just the take-the song.

They had done it. They had made the day.

Jon jumped into a swarm of dancers. (Ever see a baseball player hit a walk-off home run, then leap onto home plate into the waiting arms of his cheering teammates? That's what this jump looked like.) People were clapping and shouting and hugging and crying. Alice thought the whole thing was a miracle.

"You know when you see people at a concert cry, and you're like, 'I would never do that'?" asks costume designer Mitchell Travers. "That's what I did." He thinks it's the most sheer human energy he has ever been close to.

Anthony Ramos, in the middle of the crowd, launched into a speech. He can't remember his exact words. He hadn't planned what he was going to say-he hadn't planned to speak at all. He just felt that something needed to be said.

"I might have said, today we made history," he recalls. "This was for our ancestors who didn't get the opportunity to do this-who were fighting to have a chance to do what we just did. It was for love of the culture. It was for our kids, who look like us, to be able to see themselves on the big screen, to see us singing about our pride. Some s--- like that."

Somewhere in the crowd stood Dascha Polanco, cheering with the rest. She was sweaty, tired, tear-streaked-and beginning to feel the spirit move.

"I looked down and saw that concrete floor," she says, "and I saw those fire escapes up there, and I was like, 'New York.' "

She began a chant. It was slow and pitched low: "N-e-e-e-e-w York, N-e-e-e-e-w York." In seconds, the whole crowd took it up. "N-e-e-e-e-w York! N-e-e-e-e-w York!"

They were pointing to the sky. They were dancing.

"N-e-e-e-e-w York! N-e-e-e-e-w York!"

"It wasn't like chanting, 'Oh, I love New York,' " Anthony says later-meaning it wasn't a casual thing someone would casually say. "It was"-he drops his voice an octave and leans in-"I motherf---ing love New York. I'm proud to be from New York. I'm proud to be Latino from New York. That was the chant."

Lin, on his fire escape, was overwhelmed. Quiara, in the courtyard, guessed that people could hear them all chanting for blocks around. "It was the sound of joy and survival," she says. "And the sound of people who were really proud to be artists in community together-all our stories braided and interwoven at that one moment."

The long months of preparation had yielded the thing that movie people dream of creating: the burst of real emotion, the flash of genuine spontaneity. Some of it infuses what you see in the finished version of the song, but some of it can't be recovered now. It's an experience only for the people who got to be part of that impromptu celebration, the carnaval that followed "Carnaval."

That long day and its joyous finale capture, in miniature form, a lot of the Heights experience-what's powerful about it, what's rare. Instead of expecting little from the actors it featured, Heights demanded everything-not just what they could do, but who they were and where they came from. By fusing them with dozens of other artists making the same commitment, it gave them the feeling that Lin had wanted so badly for himself when he started writing the show: a sense of belonging, of being part of a group of people working toward a goal they all hold dear. That's why Anthony, looking back on filming "Carnaval," says, "That was one of the greatest days of my life. Period. If I never do another movie again, I did this."

"Something that arises in 'Carnaval' is a feeling of, 'There's a place for us,' " says Quiara. "But the place is not one that says, 'Oh, I definitely fit in' or 'I definitely don't.' It holds those questions. It allows those questions to exist."

Those questions, she has come to see, are universal.

"People are like, 'What is my place in the world?' That question is actually part of your place in the world," she says. "There's something about In the Heights. It takes such a burden off to hear, 'Yeah, there's a place for you. Here it is.'"

#in the heights #ith movie #in the heights - the movie #spoilers #ith spoilers #sorry - super long post #long post #but I needed the whole text here because it's fucking BEAUTIFUL #and I don't want it to vanish!!!#carnival del barrio

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werewolfharrington · 5 years

Note

Flower ask: also all of them. you get to suffer with me >:3€

oh darlin’ we’re in it now huh

Alisons: Sexuality?

homogay

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

she/they | all gender will be shot on sight

Amaryllis: Birthday?

sept 23rd

Anemone: Favorite flower?

monkshood

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?

stranger things or ghost adventures

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger?

like? distance? a couple miles probably

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?

“We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little lifeIs rounded with a sleep.” William Shakespeare, The Tempest

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?

wild cherry capri sun

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

ima change that to ‘kiss the last person u thought abt kissing’ bc YES

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

*jenna marbles voice* hell yeah!!

Baneberries: Favorite song?

waiting for the end - linkin park

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

chaos

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it?

i have too many to list !!! brandi, kasey, you, liz, ivy, nick , just to name a few!!

Begonia: Favorite color?

blue uwu

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

foxes !! and opossums

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

night time babey

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

either a fox or an opossum or a raven, i think

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

i wanted to be a vet !!!

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

theyre ok as long as theyre not screaming and/or mine

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

i don’t liike vomit bc. nastey (trauma i think) and i don’t like old ppl well. i dunno why? they’re just so old and fragile and helpless and sometimes they’re really mean and idk i think it’s like something to do w death or something LMAO idk. also i just hate the idea of becoming old and having to rely on other people ?? hhh

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

i was bullied a lot

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?

realistically? probably playing dead by daylight with my girlfriend ADFSGRHYUTR

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

happily taken

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

ireland, scotland, alaska, greece

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

whenever my friends or family tells me they love me but esp when u text me goodmorning or when we say our goodnights sorry im gay haha

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?

i have. uuuuhh 6

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?

no!!! i want some tho :(

California Poppy: Height?

i think im like. 5′5 or something? give or take an inch ?

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

oh absolutely. my house is haunted as we speak

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?

bmth hoodie and pajama pants w foxes all over them. i just woke up lol

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

yeah i always keep one on in the bathroom

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?

my sister bc she came home from college yesterday

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?

ask me in like. a little over a month from now ;)

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

FONT??? the animal crossing font

Columbine: Are you tired?

oh absolutely

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

thanksgiving, christmas, seeing my gf, magfest

Coneflower: Dream job?

idk if it’s a job but i just wanna own like. a ranch that takes in all sorts of animals and takes care of them

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?

introvert

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?

ooooh yeah

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

i mean. depends on what they want/need. distance wise? i’d travel the known universe for u

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

he was a plaid teddy bear his name was Stanley!!!! i miss him :( but now i have Little Moon God as my favourite stuffed animal

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

Libro

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

Working in Yellowstone is something I’ll never forget

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

well. hmm. i was gonna say flying to yellowstone but maybe driving to north carolina by myself bc driving long distances alone to places i haven’t been before gives me hella anxiety (i’m better now)

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?

i don’t pay rent in this house to listen to their opinions lmao.

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

you, i think, when we said goodnight last night!!! EDIT: you this morning!!

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?

being bad at dead by daylight

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

dead by daylight

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?

(little over a month now but uhhh) GOT A UH ......GIRL.....FRIEND ...... GOT TO VISIT GIRLFRIEND ........ and got the windshield finally replaced in my car

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

i dont know! so far ive laid in bed now im at my computer answering this. not too bad. my shift is only 4 hours today.

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

for the most part, i’m pretty content, yeah

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

MOVE OUT

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?

my friends, my mom, my sisters, my girlfriend, my bastard dog

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?

metal

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

what does this mean. physically, i’m very affectionate, i just. don’t show it alot bc anxiety/i overthink. that and i constantly tell ppl i love them and what they mean to me

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

whoever is reading this

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

wake up next 2 a cute girl. take way too long to get up. go climb mountain w cute girl. vibe on mountain w cute girl. go to waffle house 2gether. gome home and vibe. play video games or watch a movies/tv w cute girl.

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?

i like to make art or play bideo jame

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

oh gosh i dunno. the ones i’ve known the longest are kasey and brandi, and i’ve known them both around/over a decade i think. we met in middle/highschool!

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

you, ivy, liz

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

so many

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

idk man but i remember when you said u had a crush on me and then i posted a selfie and u were like ‘OH NO SHE’S CUTE” and like ??? idk i think that was definitely the first compliment to ever shock me LMAO

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

6.9/10

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

my tattoos

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGGViLwHEUk

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

i liked to play zombies ate my neighbors on the sega genesis !!!!

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

eliza !!!! we lost touch a few years after i moved away :(

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

ima be real everything makes me feel guilty

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?

aaaaaa the whole abi/moon incident

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

my name is fox. it means i like foxes

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

northern virginia babey !!!! that place fucking sucks!!! but everyone who lives up there thinks they’re hot shit.

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

i had a bunkbed and i think the walls were pink

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?

😬 i’m just gonna say i’m much happier now and i’m coping with life and shit a lot better

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

she’s sweet and funny and i love her so much!! she always does the Most for everyone, sometimes to the point where she isn’t concerned abt herself and i see where i get it from. but yeah my mom is great, my dad doesn’t deserve her

Onions: Tell about your dad.

source of a lot of trauma and why i have so many issues regarding men. i don’t wanna talk about him anymore LOL he doesn’t deserve the attention

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

my dad’s mom is becoming senile and i think she’s racist and queerphobic. my mom’s parents disowned her a few years ago so we don’t talk to them anymore

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

i dunno. i don’t try to remember my birthdays. whenever i can go to busch gardens for my birthday i usually have a lot of fun there.

Peony: What was your first job?

if you don’t wanna count working w my mom as a florist, target was my first job back in 2016. i found my name tag the other day , actually

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

WELL, i know you followed me on here first. and then twitter?? but we didn’t really start talking until stranger things 3 came out (thank u stranger things) PHYSICALLY, we didn’t meet until fursonacon (haha. i remember when u texted me that u got to the hotel and i came down to help n i saw u unloading yr car and it was then that my brain was like OH NOOOOOOOO and my heart was like OH YEEEEAAAAAAAH)

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

physical, mental, or emotional? i play a video game or listen to loud music

Pink: Where is home?[

somewhere in appalachia i can feel it in my stupid soul

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change?

idk man i’m pretty content w where i’m at now so

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

chester bennington

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

i have a waife and we have many great pets and we live in a log cabin in the mountains or in a nice victorian in a small town or something IDK but we’re happy and that’s all that matters

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

God

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

my mom, me best friends, my girlfriend

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

my girlfriend’s laugh because it’s THE cutest shit and then when she giggles??? oh my heart

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

oct 23rd, 2005, we brought Fat Boy Zack home !!!!

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

July 22nd, 2016. i was 2200 miles away

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?

to be holding my girlfriend >:(

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

hhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

those i hold dear

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

enough, i guess?

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

my girlfriend

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

it’s fucking BORING and TOO EASY and they don’t pay me ENOUGH but i can get away with so much shit there so ima still go, ima still go

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

all of the flannels currently in my possession

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.

mountains, woods, forests, cabins, autumn, cryptic, occult, victorian, edwardian

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

if someone gets me a gift i’m legally required to execute them

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

this 40hr workweek i got coming up

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

i have not read in So Long

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

Moved out away from here lol, we’ll see

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

i’m a furry

that was SO LONG im sorry i also put you through that but THANK YOU ENJOY READING ILU

#littlecation #ask #long post

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transmigraticn · 7 years

Text

The name on the gravestone is his father’s; the date of death was some two years previously.

It’s the first time he’s been here.

Summer sun warms his back through his thin, white, worn t-shirt ( it might be darrel’s — at this point majority of their clothes have mingled together in one jumbled, communal closet. alwyn can’t say he minds ) and heat radiates, trembling in the air, buzzing directly into his brain. He stares down at the tomb, mouthing along as he reads the engravings, then chuckling, wondering who the hell picked this, because it most certainly wasn’t him.

He recalls, suddenly, vividly, the number of times in shows, movies, and books when a character stands at the grave of someone who had wronged them deeply and decided pissing on the grave was the best way to get justice, get closure, since they received none in life. It’s absolutely revolting in every possible way, so he doesn’t consider it, but he does think on it for approximately a fifth of a second. Truthfully he’s not that bitter, or bitter at all, however he feels like he should be — after all, he was effectively homeless at age fifteen because of this man! and before that the emotional support for him since the age of eight — yet inside his heart rattles against the dank emptiness the lack of emotional response provides.

( … . he should have asked darrel to come with him. he should have told darrel in the first place, but this felt like the sort-of thing one should do on one’s own. besides, he had little desire to drag darrel into the dusty dreariness of his childhood. such doors were better left bolted shut.

he hopes this shirt is darrel’s )

Hands in the pockets of his jeans, Alwyn proceeds to stand there until his back is made uncomfortably hot from the sun. He wonders who attended the funeral, if there was even a proper funeral at all, what was said, what was done, who sprinkled the first fistful of dirt … . He wonders how his father died. Alwyn wondered that often when he was younger: would tonight be the night his father tripped down the stairs and broke his neck? Would tonight be the night he had one drink too many, and Alwyn wouldn’t notice until it was too late? Would today be the day he drove just a little too recklessly down the road? These were never hopeful thoughts, but incessant worries — his father was his responsibility, after all, and his mother would never forgive him if he let his father fall to ruin when he could have prevented it somehow. ( he wonders what the pair of them would think of darrel. he wonders what darrel would think of them. )

In the end, he’s certain the death was an expected one.

Alwyn exhales, and steps back, glancing around the small cemetery to the town that surrounded it. He hasn’t been here — to the town — since he left. It’s such a small thing, it’s never mentioned on any map ( as if it didn’t exist ) and it’s entirely Muggle, yet his father’s family has lived here generations ( alwyn has no other familial relations; at least, none close enough that he knows about ). He wonders … .

Before he made the conscious decision to, his feet carry him down the dirt path he used to jog down every morning to the lone house at the very end of the road, the chains hanging from his belt rattling; the only noise. The house worn, old, and run down but holds a certain grandeur that Alwyn always associated with antiques. Just from looking at it, Alwyn can tell no one is living in it. ( who owns it now? the bank? the government? does alwyn? —— he takes a moment to entertain himself with the idea of informing darrel of this. yes darling no need to worry about flats and rent — i own a house, you see! it’s directly in the center of ‘no’ and ‘where’, it’s decrepit and ancient, and holds less-than-fond memories of my childhood, but ! it’s there should we ever need one. no, no don’t worry --- we can always charm it to our tastes. he tries to picture darrel’s response to this, and sees nothing but static )

It’s two stories, the house, and made out of gray stone with what-used-to-be white windows. It stands alone at the foreground of the Welsh countryside --- in the distance there are mountains. If Alwyn hadn’t any history here, he may be tempted to draw this scene; charcoal would suit the isolated, forgotten air the old Driscoll house alluded. There's a window box in the window beside the front door --- there’s nothing but thick spider webs in them now, Alwyn observes once he’s close enough. Once upon a time his mother planted lilies in them. Once upon a time the window frames, the door, all gleamed an ethereal snow white ( his mother was so particular about cleanliness to the point where it became another habit for alwyn to inherit ). Now upon the present time, all are grimy, grey, and empty. He reaches for the door ( would it be locked? would the wood be rotted and therefore it wouldn’t matter? would the old spare key be in it’s old hiding spot? --------- )

...... Behind him, there’s a clang!

Jumping --- he has never done well with loud noises, especially when unexpected --- Alwyn turns to see the elderly neighbor from down the way staring at him with a now broken flower pot at her feet ( oh dear ). He knows, immediately, who she is --- she used to babysit him, she taught him how to make pie crust, and first introduced him to herbal remedies for his hand. . . yet for the life of him, Alwyn couldn’t recall her name ( why would he forget that, of all things? think, think, think, he knows this, everything about her is familiar, like an old book he’s only now just reopened, she’s more lined, more gray, but still very much the same . . . but her name ??? ).

She is still staring. Alwyn swallows and waves his hand behind his back so the pot goes back together ( she’s a muggle, this woman, and alwyn truly can’t wait for the day when darrel succeeds ).

“Alwyn . . .?” she finally says, and Alwyn never knew anyone could sound so astonished.

The wind whistles, toying with Alwyn’s long hair, and he absent-mindedly brushes it back before: “ . . . Hi Vera.” ( there ! that was her name. of course it was --- he hadn’t forgotten )

She chokes and darts over to gather him in a hug. He’s taller than her now --- he stares over her head, moisture stiffening in his throat, and he pats her on the back in response ( she was a hugger ; he had always hated that ). The wind continues its whistling, as Alwyn keeps still, going stiller and stiller, as Vera holds him close. Vera is saying something, trying to convey something, but it gets lost in the thick curdle of her emotions.

Alwyn only relaxes once she pulls back to better look at his face.

“You have a beard,” she says, eyes glittering with moisture. This statement only sounds so ludicrous to Alwyn because he’s had facial hair for, what, practically a decade now? Not even Darrel has seen Alwyn without a goatee these past years. The free falling, liquid emotions within Alwyn solidify to ice as the number of years that separated this interaction from their last become tangible. There are near strangers now --- couldn’t Vera see that, too?

But, evidently, she is much more sentimental than Alwyn for she reaches up as if to touch his face which --- no. Alwyn can’t help the flinch he responds with; he barely liked Darrel touching him unexpectedly in the beginning, and he had wanted Darrel to touch him. This, at least, resonates with her, and Vera composes herself. ( what would darrel think of her? )

“Your father said you ran away,” she says, as if that explains everything, taking a blessed step back.

Alwyn blinks, an electric current climbing up his spine. His tongue clicks against a suddenly dry mouth. Did he now? “That’s not how I would describe it.” A scoff underlines the remark.

Vera’s face crumbles but just as quickly composes. “No, I didn’t think you would.”

Whatever tension remained in Alwyn at this unexpected (re)meeting leaves him then, and he smiles, however weakly. “I … only heard about him the other day.” ( yesterday, he only heard about his father yesterday, but in this case he thought it best to be vague )

“I didn’t know how to contact you!” A quick remark, defensive; Alwyn doesn’t know what to do with the knowledge that something about him has been eating away at her, doesn’t know what to do with the fact that someone he hasn’t been thinking about, someone he hasn’t seen in years, has been thinking about him. “I tried but --- it was like you were a ghost, love.”

Unsure how to respond to that --- what else could be expected when a minor is left without shelter? --- Alwyn shrugs.

“How did you find out?” Vera continues.

“There was an article in the newspaper that mentioned him in passing.” It wasn’t the obituary.

Vera nods; Alwyn is thankful she doesn’t ask for specifics --- he couldn’t describe the article on pain of death.

“How did he … How did it happen? The article didn’t say.” Alwyn asks, trying ( and failing ) to sound casual.

“Cancer.”

The wind ceases, his bad hand twitches. What? His mouth opens, then shuts, his brow furrowing ( darrel should be here ; he should have told darrel ). “W-What…kind? Liver?”

Vera shakes her head. “Leukemia.”

Laughter bubbles under his tongue --- bad blood then, like son, like father, Alwyn should have expected no less ( if darrel were here, alwyn would have said that to him, would have laughed until there were tears in his eyes ) ….. Cancer takes time, doesn’t it? He would’ve had warning…expected death, surely ..... and he made no attempt to contact his only child. The laughter boils over --- Alwyn chuckles, immediately slapping his hand over his mouth, shutting his eyes, well aware his reaction wasn’t appropriate. Pressing his lips together, his good fingers clutch the hem of his ( darrel’s ) shirt.

“Um.” He shakes his head, opening his eyes. Vera looks startled and unhappy, face pale, tears resting back in her eyes. “…Right. Well, glad I know now. Did he suffer long?” There’s a dry, ironic twist to his words that render them sharper than intended.

Vera blinks, looking so, so sad. So yes then? “….Alwyn.”

He steps back, gathering himself. “I guess it doesn’t matter. You know, I only came to see it for myself.”

Vera makes a grab his hand, but Alwyn evades her. “Come and have tea with me! We can --- talk.”

Alwyn stares blankly at her. ( when has he ever enjoyed doing that? she isn’t darrel, after all. at this point, she’s nothing but a stranger ) He shakes his head. “I really should go…”

“To where?” Her voice is pleading; it peels away the linings of his stomach. He needs to get away. “Alwyn please….”

“I live in London. With my boyfriend. I go to Cambridge.”

“Oh.” She smiles as if the clouds suddenly parted way for the sun on a dreary day. “That’s --- That’s wonderful. And --- And you’re happy, right?”

Alwyn never enjoys being asked that question; it always stops him dead. He doesn’t ever think about his happiness, so suddenly being asked about it causes him to wonder: am I? accompanied by a whirlwind of nameless uncertain anxieties. What is happiness, in the first place, and why is it what people always focus on? Surely there are more important things out there? And yet … and yet, despite the turbulent of doubt, of the pressure to answer ( and answer truthfully ), Alwyn knows the answer.

( and it’s so much easier, so much better, to focus on this, to think about this, than it is to think about his father. he happily allows this distraction to work, and allows the certainty of his answer to fill him to the brim, driving out anything else )

“I am, actually.” A soft reply, and Vera’s smile is equally as soft. It’s that smile, familiar and welcoming, that makes him add: “I’m --- thinking of asking him to marry me.” It’s the first time he’s said that aloud to someone who wasn’t Fawkes ( who talking to is basically like alwyn talking to himself, so it doesn’t really count ). Ever since Alwyn rejected Darrel’s proposal, he’s been stuck on why he did that, and why it felt so right of him to do that at that time. He loves Darrel, he wants to be with Darrel, so why say no? Eventually, with Fawkes, he reasoned that he always expected Darrel to leave at some point, that he never completely believed that Darrel honestly loved him ( which, alwyn was always quick to add, was not a fault of darrel’s ). But didn’t the act of proposing rule both of those ideas false? And if that was the case, and given the fact that Darrel is still with him, then … is it not all up to Alwyn? The ball is in Alwyn’s court, as they say, either they progress or cease everything altogether, and there’s several pages worth of ring sketches that show which Alwyn would prefer. He even explored a ring shop the other day --- not to buy ( no, he wants to make darrel a ring. darrel, who uses magic for everything, who remains to this day as charmed by magic as if he is perpetually performing his first ever spell. darrel would want it made by magic ) but to gather ideas. He doesn’t know when, or even how, but he knows that he wants to ask Darrel to marry him someday. There’s no rush, Darrel won’t be going anywhere ( darrel won’t be going anywhere; at long last that uncertainty is gone ) but Alwyn wants to start, and finish, the ring soon.

( and fawkes approves, fawkes more than approves, alwyn could swear fawkes wants alwyn to ask darrel to marry him more than anyone else )

“Oh, that’s fantastic,” Vera smiles, reaching to clasp Alwyn’s good hand ( she remembers, and alwyn feels his heart soften ). “I want you tell me all about him --- come have tea with me, please?”

This time Alwyn is tempted ( he wants to talk about darrel to someone --- who wouldn’t? ), and yet: “I…wanted to look around the house….” Suddenly he worries that such a desire is bizarre, and he quickly adds: “Did he leave it to anyone or….?”

“To you, actually. Who else?”

Alwyn blinks. So he does own a house now. ( an incessant part of him thinks this shouldn’t be so easy, so quick, surely there would be paperwork involved? but he doesn’t know enough about muggle inheritance law to properly say )

“I…” he swallows. “I’m going to look around. I’ll stop by for tea afterward,” her pleading look makes him add, “but I’m going to look around.”

Vera smiles, squeezing his hand before releasing him. “Alwyn --- it’s good to see you. I’ve missed you, and I’ve been so worried.”

There’s an automatic, kneejerk, guilt at having made her worried, despite Alwyn knowing it wasn’t really his fault, and he smiles, for lack of knowing how else to respond. “….I’ll see you in a bit.” He peels away, breathing freely now, and tests the door to see if it opens. It does --- and Alwyn has the strong image of burglars and homeless people and reckless teens using this place as a refuge ( which, if so, good for them, it isn’t as if it was being used otherwise ).

He steps inside, letting the door creak shut behind him, his breath catching on all the memories being in the foyer bring to the surface. It’s dank, dusty, and dark, and he lights a fire in the palm of his good hand to give some light to the room. The house is much smaller on the inside than the outside would suggest --- he can see directly through to the back of the house, past cloth covered furniture and stone walls. But Alwyn never spent much time downstairs if he could help it. There are no memories down here that he feels like reexperiencing ( did this house hold any of those? was the real question he ought to be asking, even if he knows immediately the answer is no. there’s nothing here for him, yet he steps forward to continue his observations all the same ).

Any pictures, or family memorabilia, has been taken off the wall. Anything that made this house a home no longer exists --- the home an empty shell of itself ( though, really, hasn’t it been that since alwyn’s mother died? ). Alwyn walks upstairs, holding back coughs as he does so, wondering what Darrel would do if he was here, what he would say, how Alwyn would feel ( though that one is easy to answer --- better ). Once at Hogwarts, Alwyn accidentally walked through a ghost --- it was like walking through a waterfall of ice, only with the precise knowledge that the waterfall shouldn’t be there in the first place. Walking through this house had him feeling much the same. What, exactly, made him think this was a good idea?

His old bedroom is the second on the left, and Alwyn stops dead after he opens the door --- it looks as if no one had even stepped foot into this room since Alwyn left! There are white cloths draped over the furniture but everything is exactly where Alwyn left it --- everything. Had his father really left it all as it was? What was wrong --------- Alwyn steps further in, his bad fingers twirling the one ring he wears on that hand ( the one darrel gave him when he tried to propose. alwyn feels guilty every single time he looks at it, let alone wears it, yet it was so important to darrel ….. he won’t have to feel guilty about it for much longer, and the thought causes the flames to brighten ). Force of habit, muscle memory, has him immediately lay down on the bed --- dust greets him, puffing up like a freshly opened bag of crisps, and Alwyn coughs, sitting up, his coughs turning to chuckles as he pictures Darrel’s reaction. ( dear hecate and circe, the thought of darrel in his childhood bedroom is not a pleasant one. darrel should never, ever be in a place like this ) Sitting there, he glances around, remembering all the times he’s sat in this precise position, practicing magic, listening to music and thinking as his eyes glazed over, reading, drawing, writing . . . .

Which makes him think --- would it still be here?

A wave of his free hand, and a thin, black moleskin journal comes flying out toward him. He tosses the flames into the air so both hands are free, and Alwyn feels oddly intimidated as he looks at the old journal, as if it held the secrets of the universe rather than his thoughts from when he was a lonely, shy child. He flips through it, spotting random drawings and doodles, certain choice phrases popping out at him ( he notices immediately when he stops mentioning his mother, and when he starts mentioning alcohol more ). It’s not a wordy journal, it’s filled more with pictures than words; Alwyn has never been verbose, especially when it came to describing his own thoughts and ideas, and journaling always required a certain level of eloquence he doesn’t possess in regards to his own feelings. He does laugh aloud for a solid three minutes, however, when he spots a lone page with nothing written on it except: I think boys are cute.

The journal isn’t full, Alwyn notices with a curious frown, once his laughter died down. Flipping from the back, he tries to find the last entry ( he always does this with every novel --- he always reads the last sentence before reaching it, as if needing to reassure himself that there is, in fact, an ending ). About a fourth in from the back cover, he finds it, and feels a hard stone drop into his gut.

In the Future I Will:

1) Not be a burden

2) Save the world

Alwyn stares at the short list until his vision blurs and fizzles out. ( are you happy, vera asked, and how can alwyn say that has never been a priority, not even when i was nine ) It’s difficult to swallow. He blinks, looking at the list again, then abruptly shutting the journal, tossing it aside. This is foolish, he tells himself, standing up yet that does nothing to ease the sudden tension building in his gut. ( how is it possible for over a decade to pass and not even the most basic thing on that list has been accomplished? sure, he’s not a burden to his parents, but there is still …. Well, no, no, darrel would never think that.

And how arrogant is it for him to believe that he has the ability to ‘save the world’? He knows he could, he could do anything, really, if he wanted, but he didn’t. And was that … selfish? Was going to Cambridge selfish? Was going there a waste of his time, a waste of his potential, as he knows Darrel thinks? Certainly, he is happy, but … so what? Shouldn’t he be using his time toward something more fulfilling, something more worthwhile, especially since he, himself, could do so much? The idea of helping Darrel with The Cause, in being a proper leader alongside him, once made Alwyn want to do nothing more than to crawl back into bed. And the idea still doesn’t excite him ( anything like that doesn’t --- he doesn’t want to lead people, or a cause, or … anything. he’s not that sort-of person. he’s not ------ ) but … should he try anyway? Circe knows it would please Darrel ( right? ), and he’s almost done with Cambridge in the first place, and he’s learned so much about Muggle life from these years he could be used as … as a liaison of sorts….

This is ridiculous, he thinks again, turning on his heel to march directly out of the room and the house. He does not need to be sent back to the doubts of his teenaged years. Sure, he doesn’t exactly know what he wants to do after he finishes Cambridge ( he can’t help but always think that a bus is going to hit him one day and that would be the end of that, so why plan for himself? he never thought he would make it to this age ) but there’s no rush, he has time, Darrel loves him, he has Fawkes, nothing else truly matters.

( except, of course, did not the whole world matter? what is the point of anything in existence if one doesn’t try to help people, save the world, but is that desire his own desire, or some recycled sense of duty…. Alwyn doesn’t think much of a children, in general, he finds their lack of emotional development bizarre and uncomfortable, but perhaps there was some truth to the idea that children indicate what people are like without societal influence. If that’s true, then would not someone’s childhood desires, dreams, ambitions, indicate what one fundamentally wanted….? )

He meets up with Vera again, because it was the sort-of day where having tea with an old friend turned stranger makes the most sense ( and he did promise, after all, even if he ends up not remembering anything from the afternoon tea ). He agrees to keep in contact, well aware that he is, frankly, singularly horrible at that and he most likely wouldn’t write or call at all. Once home he pets Fawkes, and when Darrel inquires about his day, Alwyn kisses him and says I spent it studying; how was yours?

#*PENSIEVE #*ARC; tbd #// also something about this (or the thoughts behind this) made me realize Alwyn would be a good social worker??#// like A in general would be i think but Albus and Alain have an innate ambition / kinda glory-seeking?#// they want to be Remembered. they want to make an Impact. they want to be saviors.#// alwyn....Does Not. and idk I think he would enjoy social work #// it'd satisfy his need to Do Something Good without it being. well. Leading the Revolution.#// and i got sad because....it would never occur to Alwyn to consider that an option. sigh.#// but....anyway..........this is only barely proofread. and idk but it had to happen

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winsister91 · 7 years

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Ignore this post

Seriously, it’s just another crappy questionnaire, butijustfuckinglovedoingthemsohelpmegodARGH.

blame @arcturuz for tagging me :P

You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

Well...this is awkward. Hello boss!

What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

I’ve trapped him and he’ll never escape my clutches 0_0

If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

THAT IS VERY NAUGHTY, gimme some.

Is your last name longer than six letters?

....seemingly not!

Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

boringly sober

Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

probably

What does your last received text say?

“Cheers Sam”

How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

Many.

Where was your last kiss at?

Our living room :3

When is the last time you saw your sister?

Don’t have a sis

What do you drink in the morning?

Coffee/tea/energy drink

Where did you sleep last night?

IIn my bed?

Do you think relationships are hard?

Can be, but if it’s right you’ll make it work!

If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

Go to an NHS dentist rather than the convenient private one over the road, GOODBYE MONEY

You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

He steals my cigarettes.

Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

Raaaaaain <3

Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

Yes! Jayne is common as muck.

Are you wearing jeans, sweatpants, or pajama pants?

Jammies :3

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

I fucking hope so. I changed the locks so he can’t get out.

Does anyone like you?

Probably not. But fuck it!

Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

eeeeeeeer....yes!

Is the last person you kissed gay?

Nope.

Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

Copious amounts of people.

Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

Have one! Srsly want the spn anti-possession tat tho....

In the past week have you cried?

Yup. It’s a frequent occurence. WOO

What breed was the last dog you saw?

I saw a Springer Spaniel outside work and it nearly killed me coz it looked soooo much like my Cookie baby who I miss so damn hard...

Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

People dry IN the shower?

Have you ever kissed a football player?

No...

Do you think you’re old?

I guess I’m not, but I feel like I’m getting there XD

Do you like text messaging?

Talking on the phone involves trying to sound chripy. Which I can’t deal with.

What type of day are you having?

Sleepy. Oh that’s everyday...

Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

Nah.

Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

Cooooold. Get all snuggly and cuddles and UMF.

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

Benji (the one whom I have trapped), my dad, bro and nephew

Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

Flings are fun but a relationship is bliss.

Are you a simple or complicated person?

Nobody is simple.

What song are you listening to?

Linkin Park - What I’ve Done

When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

Well yeah, or I wouldn’t say it. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

I’m a woman of mystery! *cloak swish* What made you start liking the person you like now?

There isn’t like one thing...it just happened. He’s a special awesome squishy. When did you last receive a text message?

Couple of hours ago? IDK What is wrong with you right now?

Jensen Ackles is NOT between my legs. How well do you know the last female you texted?

The mother, so rather well. Does anyone disgust you?

I could make a ten page list. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

Already got someone, so I’m cool thanks. Are you in a good mood right now?

I’m not at work, so yeah why not! Who was the last person you talked to in person?

Bunjamin

What color shirt are you wearing?

Uncharacteristically pink Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?

I’m now doing a 12 hour shift tomorrow. Anyone you’re giving up on?

Nah. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

Nope!

Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

Yup! Do you like rain?

Yiiiis provided I don’t have to go anywhere Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

I’m more worried about my own drinking! Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

Yis. Do you like to cuddle?

Who doesn’t? Are you shy?

I apparently give off the persona that I’m not but trust me, I’m constantly shitting bricks. Do you get along with girls?

*shrugs* I try to get along with anyone Have you dated the person you texted last?

HELL NO What do you carry with you at all times?

Fags and phone If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

Easily! Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

Current relationship going on longer than 4 years, so yeah. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

I refer you to the previous question. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

Duh! Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

The kitten keeps using me as a climbing frame

How old are the last three people you kissed?

He’s 29. I have kissed noone else. I’m not going back 4 years.

Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?

Get Mercy to do them XD Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?

....No. Do you have any stickers on your car?

I think I require a car for this question. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?

Um... next!

Blackberry, Android, or iPhone?

Android When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?

God knows Do you like diet soda?

Near enough any soda. What color are the walls in your room?

Rented flat so everything is like...beige/white Are you 16 or older?

A decade fucking older... Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?

No. Do you have a job?

Unfortunately. What are your initials?

SJK Did you ever have braces?

Nu. Are you from the south?

Northern England!

What does your last status on facebook say?

Probs some shit old meme Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?

Nope. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?

Mum Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?

HAHAHA no, but the image is entertaining. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?

Uuuuh... I dont know? Brain keeps sayng Deadpool but I’m positive we’ve been since. (we don’t get out much)

Do you smoke?

Yis. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?

Easily flip-flops, can’t do heels Is your phone touch screen?

Yeah Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?

I just blow dry and see what happens Have you ever snuck out of your house?

Once when I was young. It didn’t go well. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?

Pool. It’s clean. Have you ever made out in a car?

Yea boiiiiiii Had sex in a car?

No. *sulk* Are you single or in a relationship?

You’re asking this now? What were you doing last night at midnight?

Failing to sleep. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?

New Years Do you like the camera on your phone?

Ye I guess Have you ever had a friend with benefits?

*snerk* a long time ago. Have you ever passed out from drinking?

Yup. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?

I was but I got rid. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?

HAHAHAHA ooooh lordy. Name your favorite Kesha song:

...

Do you have any tan lines right now?

I live in England. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?

Good luck getting me in shorts

FEEL FREE TO STEAL THIS IF YOU WANT

#not spn #questionnaire #why do i find these such fun?

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papermoonloveslucy · 7 years

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Lucy and the Great Bank Robbery

S3;E5 ~ October 19, 1964

Synopsis

When Lucy rents out Viv's room to two gentlemen visiting for the World's Fair, they turn out to be bank robbers who stash the loot in Viv's mattress.

Regular Cast

Lucille Ball (Lucy Carmichael), Gale Gordon (Theodore J. Mooney), Vivian Vance (Vivian Bagley), Candy Moore (Chris Carmichael), Jimmy Garrett (Jerry Carmichael) and Ralph Hart (Sherman Bagley)

This is Ralph Hart's first appearance in season 3. This is the first time the entire regular cast has been together since “Ethel Merman and the Boy Scout Show” (S2;E19).

Guest Cast

John Williams (Carter Harrison) was born in England in 1903. He is perhaps best known for his role as Chief Inspector Hubbard in Dial M for Murder, a role he played on Broadway, in Alfred Hitchcock's classic 1954 film, and on television in 1958. From 1924 to 1970 he appeared in more than 30 Broadway plays, winning a Tony Award in 1953. This was his only appearance opposite Lucille Ball.

On "Here's Lucy" Gale Gordon will also play a character named Harrison Carter.

Lloyd Corrigan (Gordon Bentley) was a portly character actor who played bit parts in silent movies before switching his attention to writing and directing. He returned to acting in the 1940s, appearing in two films with Lucille Ball. He first appeared as Mr. Holly in “Lucy Puts Up a TV Antenna” (S1;E9). He will return for “Lucy the Choirmaster” (S4;E13).

In the end credits, John Williams is listed as playing Bentley and Lloyd Corrigan as Harrison. When the characters introduce themselves to Lucy, they say the reverse.

Roy Rowan (Radio Announcer) was the off-camera announcer for every episode of “My Favorite Husband”, “I Love Lucy” as well as “The Lucy Show” and “Here’s Lucy.” He was also the voice heard when TV or radio programs were featured on the plot of all three shows. He was first heard announcing the TV football game in “Lucy is a Referee” (S1;E3). His first on-camera appearance was in “Lucy Takes Up Golf” (S2;E17).

Hazel Pierce (Bank Customer) was Lucille Ball’s camera and lighting stand-in throughout “I Love Lucy.” She also made frequent appearances on the show. Of her many on-camera appearances on “The Lucy Show” only once was she given a character name and credited, in “Lucy Plays Cleopatra” (S1;E1). She was also an uncredited extra in the film Forever Darling (1956).

Uncredited background performers play the police officers, bank staff and customers.

This episode was written by Bob Schiller and Bob Weiskopf. Although they departed the series as regular writers in season two, Lucille Ball convinced them to contribute several scripts to season 3.

This episode was filmed on June 4, 1964, before the production went on hiatus for the summer. It was aired out of filming sequence.

The night this episode first aired, “The Lucy Show” was aired opposite “The Andy Williams Show” on NBC, which featured frequent “Lucy” guest star Tennessee Ernie Ford.

Viv and Lucy discuss Ralph Bagley, Vivian's ex-husband.

The two boarders claim they're in Danfield for the nearby 1964 World's Fair held in New York City. The New York World’s Fair was held in Flushing Meadow, Queens, opening on April 22, 1964, just three weeks after this episode first aired. It closed on October 17, 1965, although it was not open during the winter months of 1964/65. It was first mentioned in “Lucy and the Scout Trip” (S2;E26). Due to the great influx of tourists to Queens during the Fair, it was not uncommon for residents to rent rooms to visitors.

August 31, 1964 was Lucy Day at the World’s Fair! Ball was treated to a parade through the fairgrounds, a VIP tour, and an honorary luncheon and performance.

Chris mentions The Beatles. The day this episode was filmed (June 4, 1964) The Beatles began their first and only world concert tour starting with a performance in Copenhagen. The Beatles were previously mentioned in “Lucy and the Plumber” (S3;E2).

Bentley calls Harrison the "Bard of the bandits." Only a few months before this, John Williams (Harrison), had played William Shakespeare, 'the bard of Stratford-upon-Avon,' on “The Twilight Zone.” This is the second episode in a row to mention the CBS sci-fi anthology series.

Harrison says he wants to stop robbing banks and rob art galleries instead: “Imagine pilfering a Picasso.” Pablo Picasso (1881-1973) is regarded as one of the greatest and most influential artists of the 20th century. He is known for co-founding the cubist movement and the invention of constructed sculpture. He was previously mentioned Picasso in “Lucy Builds a Rumpus Room” (S1;E11) and “Lucy Decides To Redecorate” (S2;E8).

The two boarders also wonder about robbing drive-in banks: “Just toot for the loot and scoot.” The first drive-in bank window dates back to 1928. The post-World War II spurt in automotive sales saw steady growth in drive-up banking.

This is the fourth time we have seen Viv’s bedroom and each time the layout has changed. In this episode, the bed has been moved across the room. In all four episodes, however, Viv has the same headboard. Before the remodeling in “Lucy Decides to Redecorate” (S2;E8), the painting above the dresser was on the living room wall.

Viv's lumpy mattress was previously the subject of “Lucy and Her Electric Mattress” (S1;E12).

Lucy thinks the cash in the mattress belongs to Viv, calling her Mrs. J.P. Morgan. John Pierpont Morgan (1837–1913) was an American financier and banker who dominated corporate finance and industrial consolidation in late 19th and early 20th century.

Reading The Danfield Tribune, Viv notes that Oscar the butcher has a special on rump roast. This is the third butcher to be mentioned on the series. The first was Ernie (Joe Mell) in “Together for Christmas” (S1;E13). The second was Mr. Krause (Tom G. Linder) in “Lucy and the Plumber” (S3;E2).

Viv says the all those henna rinses have finally pickled Lucy's brain. Henna Rinse was the dye that Lucille Ball (and Lucy Ricardo) used to keep her hair its distinctive orange color. Bear in mind that TV viewers still had not seen Lucy's red hair because CBS had yet to air “The Lucy Show” in color!

The robbers stole $8,500 dollars from the bank's safe. The radio announcer (Roy Rowan) says the theft would not normally have been reported until Monday, but Mr. Mooney showed up at his desk, forgetting that it was Saturday. This neatly closes a loophole in the plot and earns a laugh from the studio audience.

Of course, Lucy immediately assumes Viv stole the cash. Lucy compare her to Ma Barker. Kate Barker (1873– 1935) was the mother of several criminals who ran the Barker gang. She traveled with her sons during their criminal careers. FBI director J. Edgar Hoover described her as "the most vicious, dangerous and resourceful criminal brain of the last decade." Her legend was kept alive by the 1960 feature film Ma Barker's Killer Brood starring “I Love Lucy” veterans Lurene Tuttle (“The Club Election” ILL S2;E19), Tristram Coffin (Harry Munson) and Paul Dubov (“The Handcuffs” ILL S2;E6). Ma Barker was parodied as Ma Parker in a 1970 episode of “Here's Lucy” starring Carole Cook as the maternal criminal.

Viv asks Lucy to “stop acting like a mystery guest” and explain her accusations. 'Mystery guests' were participants in the CBS TV quiz show “What's My Line” (1950 to 1967). Lucille Ball appeared on the show numerous times.

Callbacks!

When Lucy hides the loot under her baggy sweater and stretch pants, her look is similar to when Lucy Ricardo tried to smuggle raw eggs under her clothes in “Lucy Does the Tango” (ILL S6;E20).

Blooper Alerts!

Beauty Sleep! At the start of the episode Viv says that she is not wearing any makeup, but it's obvious that Vivian Vance is wearing both eye makeup and lipstick.

Name That Tune! At least on the official 3rd Season DVD, the music heard on Jerry's portable radio is definitely not The Beatles. Sometimes licenses for music expire and producers must replace the original soundtrack with a royalty-free version. Whether that is the case here remains unclear.

Seeing Double! The bank seems to have two adjacent bulletin boards, each with the exact same notices posted on them.

Stray Props! When Lucy's grocery bags break (as well as the robbers' shopping bags), a couple of items are left underfoot in front of the teller window.

Crash Prevention! When Lucy is turning the mattress in Viv's room, she nearly knocks over the lamp on the bedside table. Lucille Ball takes a moment to steady it before continuing.

Door is Ajar! When the thieves return from the World’s Fair, they leave the front door open. This may have been intentional to facilitate the easy entrance of Mr. Mooney and the policemen.

“Lucy and the Great Bank Robbery” rates 4 Paper Hearts out of 5

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newyorktheater · 4 years

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#Stageworthy News.

Every year for the past decade, I’ve written a preview guide to the dozen or so annual summer theater festivals in New York. Most have been canceled this year, at least one (New York Musical Festival) permanently. But several have been reimagined. The She NYC Arts festival begins Wednesday, New Ohio Theater’s Ice Factory Festival is offering a full “digital lineup” that begins Friday. Dixon Place’s Hot Festival continues online through August 1. The River to River Festival, created in the aftermath of 9/11 and normally a raft of outdoor performances in the Financial District, is this year reimagined as Four Voices — basically four art installations. The Corkscrew Festival, while postponing its live shows until next summer, announced “Corkscrew 4.0, a curated collection of virtual experiences,” although it’s not clear when these begin.

And — silver lining? — some of the summer theater festivals that would have ended their runs by now are still available online, including Theater for the New City’s Lower East Side Festival of the Arts. Last week, the Public Theater’s Free Shakespeare in the Park offered “Richard II” as a four-episode radio drama; it’s now available as a podcast on its website.

It’s worth noting that New York is not alone. The Edinburgh Fringe Festival,the granddaddy of all modern summer theater festivals, is going online

The Week in Reviews The Week in News

The Week in Reviews

Amadeus

Historically, “Amadeus” is baloney. Theatrically, it’s a feast. Musically, the National Theatre’s 2016 production of Peter Shaffer’s 1979 play — a recording of which is being streamed online through July 23 — arguably shares something of the same fate as Mozart’s supposed rival Salieri. This “Amadeus” suffers from comparison with the 1984 film directed by Milos Forman, which won eight Academy Awards, including for Best Picture and Best Sound. Perhaps most to the point, the soundtrack of the film Amadeus won the Grammy Award for best classical album in 1985…. Still, under the direction of Michael Longhurst, this “Amadeus” has much to recommend it…

Well that was astonishing. Thank you @Play_PerView, @willarbery, @DanyaTaymor @JebKreager Julia McDermott Michele Pawk, Zoë Winters, John Zdrojeski for#HeroesoftheFourthTurning pic.twitter.com/WMglUsLYxH

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) July 19, 2020

We Are Freestyle Love Supreme

So there is Lin-Manuel Miranda, ten years before “Hamilton,” three years before even “In The Heights,” galloping across the street to join his fellow members of Freestyle Love Supreme, a hip-hop improv group, who have just frightened a little girl in a purple coat by spontaneously rapping about her at a bus stop in Greenwich Village….Two observations about that first scene, filmed way back in 2005, of “We Are Freestyle Love Supreme,” a new 80-minute documentary that’s now on Hulu: First, there is something frightening about the talent of this group, who make up rhymes in a rap rhythm on the spot…What this documentary offers is the opportunity to revisit something familiar.

Good As New

In “Good As New,” a funny and pointed 25-minute play that MCC streamed live online, Julianne Moore as Jan is arguing with her daughter Maggie (Kaitlyn Dever) on Maggie’s 16th birthday, while the teenager drives her mother home after plastic surgery. Maggie is “disgusted” at what her mother has done to her face.

“I have no respect for any woman that would allow….”

“Who’s left for you to respect?” Jan interrupts, “This knocks out…” and she lists famous women who have had plastic surgery – Betty Ford, Mary Tyler Moore, Elizabeth Taylor.

Tommy Dorfman

Judith Light

Cherry Jones

Homebound Project 4 Review: Promises with Tommy Dorfman, Cherry Jones, Judith Light, Marquise Vilson…

Tommy Dorfman, in sexy black corset and purple wig, exclaims “I’m a Queen…I’m hot,” does an interpretive dance on the bed, puts on lipstick as if host of a makeup show, plays a tambourine, and curses out someone named Tim – perhaps a jilting lover? Then the telephone rings – it’s Tim, his boss. He takes off his purple wig and changes to his on-the-job voice.

“Assets,” a six–minute play by Diana Oh directed by Lena Dunham, is the funniest of the 11 new monologues in the fourth starry edition of Homebound Project, an online anthology series of original work, whose aim is to raise money for No Kid Hungry, and whose theme for the fourth edition is “promise.” The plays interpret this in various ways.

Book Review: Broadway in the Box: Television’s Lasting Love Affair with the Musical

Before it even opened on Broadway in 1954, the producers of the musical “Peter Pan” had struck a deal with NBC to present it live on television, after its Broadway run, with its cast intact, including the star Mary Martin. It was such a success – 65 million people watched it; one critic marveled at the merging of “the advantages of live theater and live television” – that it was repeated live the following year.

Some six decades later, NBC presented a new “Peter Pan Live!,” created just for broadcast, this time marketed on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, where viewers commented in real time during the broadcast, largely with snark, helping to coin the term “hate-watching.” The show was viewed (hatefully or not) by 9.2 million viewers. The lead, Allison Williams, has never performed on Broadway.

But the comparison is not meant as nostalgia for the good old days. “Peter Pan Live!” may have gotten fewer viewers, but it was broadcast in the same decade as a rash of popular television series like “Glee” that were labeled TV musicals. In “Broadway in the Box: Television’s Lasting Love Affair with the Musical” (Oxford University Press, 336 pages), author Kelly Kessler, a professor at DePaul University, attempts to chronicle these two eras and everything in-between

Thanks @NYPL_Theatre‘s @DougReside for presiding over the library’s first virtual theater book club just now. We discussed James Shapiro’s Shakespeare in a Divided America (@penguinpress) For those who missed it, my review of this fascinating book: https://t.co/QYFI3aeju3

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) July 17, 2020

The Week in Theater News

New York City reaches Phase 4 in reopening today — “there are no more phases,” Governor Andrew Cuomo said. “We are all in the final phase of reopening. And that’s great.” — but that doesn’t include theaters….or movie theaters, museums, indoor dining, gyms, or malls. (New York City’s Phase 4, Explained)

The Metropolitan Museum of Art did announce it will reopen August 29, masks required and six-foot distancing

Interesting contrast with the 1918 pandemic ‘Gotham Refuses to Get Scared’: In 1918, NYC Theaters Stayed Open

Instead of closing theaters, health commission Royal Copeland staggered their curtain times, assigning each to a group. The Hippodrome, for example, started at 8 p.m., the Winter Garden at 8:15, the Lyric at 8:30, the Booth at 8:45 and the Belasco at 9.

Camille A Brown

Edmund Donovan

Vinie Burrows

A Strange Loop creative team and ensemble

Obie Awards 2020 Winners

Broadway Barks 2020

Andrew Lloyd Webber has sent a cease-and-desist letter to Donald Trump’s 2020 campaign over using his song, “Memory,” at political rallies — an action that Betty Buckley had been urging for a while.

Excellent news!! Thanks to you guys!! Hippetyhaw!! : )Andrew Lloyd Webber Sends Cease-and-Desist to Trump Campaign For Using ‘Memory’ at Rallies https://t.co/OXYslqTPcM

— Betty Buckley (@BettyBuckley) July 13, 2020

Black Theater United will hold a Virtual Town Hall, “Our Voices. Our Votes. Our Time.” with Stacey Abrams, Dr. Jeanine Abrams Mclean, moderated by Viola Davis, July 24 at 7 p.m.

Hamilton Star Mandy Gonzalez has written a YA novel, to be published in 2021, which features the ghost of Ethel Merman “Fearless” follows a group of teen performers who must confront the spirit of the Broadway legend.

Playwrights Horizons 2021 season, which will be the company’s 50th and Adam Greenfield’s first as artistic director, includes: Aleshea Harris’s “What to Send Up When It Goes Down,” a ritual-as-play that honors Black lives lost to racialized violence Sylvia Khoury’s “Selling Kabul,” an Afghanistan-set thriller that examines the human cost of immigration policy Dave Harris’s “Tambo & Bones,” described as a “hip-hop triptych” about two characters trapped in a minstrel show and Sanaz Toossi’s dramatic comedy “Wish You Were Here,” which follows best friends who grapple with cultural upheaval amid the Iranian Revolution.

New York Theatre Workshop’s Un-Season

In place of what most theatergoers have come to regard as a “season,” the New York Theatre Workshop — the birthplace of “Rent,” among other landmarks — is offering what you might call a 2020-21 un-season. A programmatic embodiment of the possible, fueled by the percolating brains of more than two dozen playwrights, directors, actors and performance artists. These artistic “instigators” have each been given an initial $2,500 by the Workshop to develop a project over the coming months — and many of the artists will allow audiences to follow along as they build them. For $10 to $125 a month, members gain entree to the instigators’ evolving work, with no guarantee that anything resembling a full stage production will result.

An unforgettable moment, one year ago this evening. Broadway Blackout! Can you imagine the party we’re going to have when we’re back at the Walter Kerr? #BroadwayWillBeBack #SpringWillComeAgain https://t.co/i2PR04GH9X

— Hadestown (@hadestown) July 14, 2020

(What does it say that we’re nostalgic for a blackout?)

Rest in Peace

Phyllis Somerville, 76, Broadway veteran who was last on Broadway in “To Kill A Mockingbird.”

David Rosenberg, 90, director and theater critic

Bill Timms, 62, talent agent

RIP, John Lewis, 80, civil rights leader, Congressman.

55 years after he led famous march in Selma, he found “very moving” the many marchers for #BlackLivesMatter who took to the streets “to speak up, to speak out, to get into what I call ‘good trouble'”https://t.co/GzecOgTYyt pic.twitter.com/X7aCH6ZbqU

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) July 18, 2020

This is the man that taught us all how to get into some #GoodTrouble. One of my heroes. A true legend. Thank you for teaching us how to fight for liberty & justice for all mankind. This photo was taken at the @HRC Dinner in DC 2016 right before the world blew up. RIP #JohnLewis pic.twitter.com/8BPFqCb5eA

— Billy Porter (@theebillyporter) July 18, 2020

If you’re not registered to vote, do so today in honor of John Lewis. #goodtrouble https://t.co/qNv955p6ZL

— Wanda Sykes (@iamwandasykes) July 18, 2020

NYC’s Summer Theater Festivals Reimagined. NYC “reopens” #Stageworthy News. Every year for the past decade, I’ve written a preview guide to the dozen or so annual summer theater festivals in New York.

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positivepsychologyinterventions · 5 years

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Podcast | Inpatient Mental Hospital Stay (Part 1 of 2)

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be an inpatient in a psych ward? In this two-part series, we go into detail about Gabe’s inpatient stay starting with the events that lead him to be an inpatient, and what his days were like after he was admitted. We talk about common misconceptions that you may have around what happens while you’re admitted, what your day looks like and who you’d spend time with.

(Transcript Available Below)

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

About The Not Crazy Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from Gabe Howard. To learn more, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

Jackie Zimmerman has been in the patient advocacy game for over a decade and has established herself as an authority on chronic illness, patient-centric healthcare, and patient community building. She lives with multiple sclerosis, ulcerative colitis, and depression.

You can find her online at JackieZimmerman.co, Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Inpatient Mental Hospital’ Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to Not Crazy, a Psych Central podcast. And here are your hosts, Jackie Zimmerman and Gabe Howard.

Jackie: Hello and welcome to Not Crazy. I am here in the house of my co-host, Gabe Howard, who is sitting across the table from me staring at me. It’s a little extra weird, but he also lives here in this house with bipolar.

Gabe: I think that is the longest introduction that I have ever received, and I am sitting here with my co-host, Jackie, who is sleeping in my house rent free, eating my food, not contributing in any way and teaching my dog very bad habits. And she lives with major depressive disorder. Welcome, everyone.

Jackie: Hello. Welcome to Gabe’s house. It’s like you’re here with us.

Gabe: It is really cool. And it’s the first time that we’ve been able to record in person. Little behind the scenes. A lot of this stuff is done on an Internet studio. It’s really good. We plan a lot of stuff via video chats and text messages and emails and late night flurries of inspiration. But it’s always good to be in person because the energy just flows and there’s always Diet Coke.

Jackie: Regular Coke, if you’re not Gabe.

Gabe: Diet Coke.

Jackie: Regular Coke.

Gabe: Diet Coke.

Jackie: Right. Regular Coke if. But regular because if you’re going to go to McDonald’s, which we do, and you’re going to get the regular.

Gabe: Side note, McDonald’s and Diet Coke, we are open for sponsorships and we would appreciate hearing from your people.

Jackie: So would appreciate that. Today we are talking about something that I feel like has a lot of mystery and is not very clear, kind of shrouded in silence, which is what it is like to be admitted inpatient in a psychiatric hospital. And Gabe has done that. So I’m going to ask him a bunch of questions about that.

Gabe: And I’m happy to answer these questions because what I didn’t know upon admission would have just been really, really helpful to know. And in addition to my own psychiatric admission, I’ve worked in psychiatric hospitals and I’ve interviewed people who were inpatient and I’ve interviewed staff. And I’ve really just done a lot of work around this subject because it’s the crisis point. Right. A lot of people with serious mental illness have been inpatient and they end up there in a variety of ways. And it’s a terrifying subject. It’s a terrifying subject.

Jackie: I also think that there’s a lot of, I guess, misconceptions or at least assumptions about it based on movies, pop culture, haunted asylums, throwback, to all of the things that we think we know. But I’m going to assume are probably incorrect, but I’m going to find out when I ask you all these questions.

Gabe: Pop culture is a terrible place to get facts.

Jackie: You need to put it on a shirt

Gabe: I don’t know that anybody would wear it. Because, you know, how many people are lawyers because of law and order. How many people are doctors because of Grey’s Anatomy? How many people think they can get away with murder because of the show, how to get away with murder and snapped. I understand why pop culture is spoon feeding you information and it makes you feel like you’re seeing behind the curtain a little bit. And pop culture is really great at playing with our emotions. They don’t just show you what it’s like to be in a psychiatric hospital. They pair it with a dark and stormy night and with sad music and they cut to clips of a family crying. And in some ways, that’s not far off. Being in a psychiatric hospital feels like a dark and stormy night. Anybody who goes to the hospital and has to stay overnight, their family is probably scared. The whole soundtrack thing would be nice, but we don’t really have soundtracks in real life and there’s not quick cuts in real life. Right. There’s a lot of hurry up and wait. There’s a lot of sitting. There’s a lot of wondering.

Jackie: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me ask you questions before you continue, because I feel like you’re gonna answer some of the questions that I have in your little intro monologue, which is great, but I would like to make it purposeful because I have good questions at least. I think they’re good questions. I as somebody

Gabe: I will be judge of the good questions.

Jackie: Fair.

Gabe: I will tell you how well you’re doing.

Jackie: So I am somebody who has not been inpatient. I have considered it. There were times in my life where I was making the phone calls, trying to find somewhere to go. I don’t even know if that’s really what you should be doing. But there were times that I was I was thinking this is probably what I need to be doing. I didn’t do it for a myriad of reasons. But in those moments, all I’m thinking is the shots of movies that have run through my mind. Is this a good idea? Is this a bad idea? Is this the only idea? So I have a list of questions.

Gabe: Before you get into the questions, I’m going to answer from my personal lived experience, and I think it’s important to say that just like people living with bipolar disorder aren’t the same. All hospitals aren’t the same. I live in a big city. My admission was 17 years ago and different hospitals are different. Some better, some worse. Some the same. So I’m going to speak very general and from personal opinion. Your mileage may vary. Just wanna throw that right out there.

Jackie: Good disclaimer. The first question that I have, which is super relevant. How do you actually get admitted inpatient? Because I feel like this could happen a couple ways. But in my brain, my pop culture brain, where I go is I’m having a crisis. I go to the E.R. because that’s what they always say to do. And the E.R. goes, wow, you’re bananas. You’re losing it. And they go, we’re gonna admit you right here in this hospital. And then I have follow up questions, but I feel like that’s not right. Maybe it’s right.

Gabe: I sincerely don’t believe that the mental health establishment is saying you’re bananas and I understand why people think that. But, you know, just a little side note what their thinking is, is this is a person who needs help. So that is absolutely correct. People can go to an emergency room. They are diagnosed with something or they’re a danger to themselves or others. And then they are admitted to a psychiatric hospital. That is how I ended up in a psychiatric ward.

Jackie: Is it a psychiatric hospital or a ward? Like every hospital has a psych ward.

Gabe: Well, no, not every hospital has a psych ward and some hospitals specialize just in psychiatry. So there are psychiatric hospitals. They do nothing but mental illness. Mental health and psychiatry. And then there’s regular hospitals that just like they would have an oncology ward or a new baby ward. They would also have a psychiatric ward. The hospital that I was in was a psychiatric hospital that was attached to and part of a larger hospital system. So I guess I was in both a ward and a hospital. But it does vary where you are. And it’s also important to point out that some rural areas, they don’t have a ward or a hospital, meaning to get care. They can be driven 25, 50, 100 miles away to get some sort of services.

Jackie: Yikes. That actually was legitimately shocking to me. Not shocking that in rural areas they don’t have access to good care. But just thinking about in a moment of crisis going, well, let’s pack a snack because it’s going to take us 40 minutes to get wherever we’re going. But rewinding for a minute. So you’re having a moment of crisis. You can’t just call up a hospital that specializes in mental illness. Right. Be like, hey, I’m coming on in the way you can with an E.R., right? Like, don’t you have to make an appointment? There’s all this talk about not being enough beds. Right? There’s never enough beds. So how do you when you’re in a crisis, how do you get to where you need to be?

Gabe: This is where it’s really shitty for people with mental illness, especially in crisis. You are often committed to a psychiatric hospital or a psychiatric ward, meaning you did not decide, oh my God, something’s wrong with me. Make an appointment and or go to the emergency room and then check yourself in. A lot of times the police are called, the authorities get involved. It’s scary. Most people end up in the psychiatric ward through some sort of crisis point.

Jackie: And when you get there, you’re just in, right? It’s not like do not pass, go, do not collect $200. We’re just the police show up, you get out and you’re like, I’m here now.

Gabe: That’s probably simplistic. The police show up, they evaluate what is going on, and they decide that you are a danger to yourself or others and they decide not to arrest you. It’s very important to throw that in because it’s certainly possible that the police show up and they arrest you. You are having psychosis. You think that, you know, people are chasing you and that there’s monsters around every corner. But all they’re focusing on is the fact that you’re in a convenience store throwing canned goods and they’re like, well, that’s vandalism, that’s theft, that’s trespassing. And they arrest you and take you to jail and you get no help. So in a way, the police showing up and seeing a crisis, seeing something go wrong, recognize it as mental illness and taking you to the hospital where you are then committed against your will. It is actually things going very, very well. But I want to put a slight pause there and look at it from the perspective of somebody with mental illness. You’re in crisis. You’re scared. You’re not in your right mind. The police show up and now you’re locked behind locked doors in a scary place with crazy people.

Jackie: That sounds pretty terrifying.

Gabe: It’s incredibly terrifying.

Jackie: So how did? Let’s talk about you. How did you get in? Where you were?

Gabe: As far back as I can remember, I always thought about suicide. I wanted to die every day of my life as far back as I can remember. On good days, I thought, well, today is not gonna be the day that I die. And on bad days, I thought, well, maybe this is the day that I’ll do it. I thought this was normal because, hey, no good mental health training purpose of this show. Right. We want to have more conversations surrounding mental illness and mental health. I didn’t know that I had bipolar disorder. My family didn’t know that I had bipolar disorder. Nobody recognized the signs and symptoms of mental illness for reasons that will fill up years and years of not crazy episodes.

Jackie: Gabe, we already know that you’re sick. But how did you get admitted?

Gabe: Someone finally recognized something was wrong and asked me if I was planning on killing myself.

Jackie: Who was that someone?

Gabe: It was practically a stranger. It was a woman that I was casually dating at the time. And I say casually dating because we try to keep this a family show. But she recognized that something was wrong and did something about it.

Jackie: And what did she do?

Gabe: First, she asked me if I was planning on killing myself. And I said yes. And I got excited because I thought this was a normal conversation. I thought that everybody thought about suicide. So the first thing that I thought in my head is, oh, my God, I’ve got a helper, this is gonna be fantastic. You know, after I’m dead, I have like a will and some paperwork and insurance documents I need my family to find and I was gonna leave it on the kitchen table with a note that says, hey, this is what you need to do now that I’m dead. But I can give it to her and she can give it to my mom and dad. This is gonna be fantastic. I was thrilled.

Jackie: I hate the term “heart just sank,” but like I just got that like can’t breathe moment when you said I have a helper. Like that is such a, it’s not good thought processing for obviously shows where you were in the moment of, let’s say, somebody asking you if you’re suicidal and you’re like, yes, someone to help. That’s terrifying.

Gabe: It’s crazy, it’s nuts.

Jackie: It’s terrifying.

Gabe: It shows that something is wrong with your brain

Jackie: Mm-hmm.

Gabe: Or your thought process, it’s proof that something is going very wrong in your life. To think that somebody is asking you about killing yourself because they want to be involved in some sort of motivating or positive way. Isn’t that messed up? Not surprising. She had the same reaction as you. She freaked out. She freaked out. And honestly, I looked at her like she was crazy. I thought, why? Why is this woman freaking out?

Jackie: So what did she do after that?

Gabe: She said we need to go to the hospital. She said we need to go to the hospital right now. And I said, why do we need to go to the hospital? I’m not sick. And she said, we need to go to the emergency room. I said, the emergency room. The emergency room is where you go. Like when you break your leg, right? When we fall off the roof. When we’re, you know, you’re playing with fireworks on the Fourth of July. You burn your hand. It’s not some place that you go because you’re feeling the way you felt your entire life.

Jackie: Yeah, yeah, I guess if you look at it in hindsight of.

Gabe: I did not see any of my feelings as an issue. This is the way that I always felt. Therefore, I did not see it as sickness. I understood sickness to be aberrant. You feel differently. You know, normally you’re not throwing up. Now you’re throwing up. Sickness. Normally your nose is not running. Now it’s running. Sickness. Not, I felt this way my entire life. I still feel this way. You want me to go to a doctor for it? You, pardon the pun, I thought she was nuts. I really did think, wow. I have come across a crazy person. Just great. Now I have two problems. I need to plan my suicide and I need to take care of this wackadoo that that’s what was going through my mind. I can’t be any more blunt than that.

Jackie: We’ll be right back after these messages.

Announcer: Interested in learning about psychology and mental health from experts in the field? Give a listen to the Psych Central Podcast, hosted by Gabe Howard. Visit PsychCentral.com/Show or subscribe to The Psych Central Podcast on your favorite podcast player.

Announcer: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counseling. Our counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Jackie: We’re back talking about Gabe’s inpatient hospitalization. So you roll up to the E.R., you get out, as you may know. You do know. And as I know, I’ve been to the E.R. lots of times. You walk up to the desk and they ask you, what are you here for? Which luckily it’s not a gunshot wound in a super emergency. Because then they make you sit in the waiting room. But you walk in and you say.

Gabe: This is fascinating, right? So she did convince me to go, obviously. And here I am. And we walk in and she says, this is my friend Gabe, and he wants to kill himself.

Jackie: And the lady at the counter said, great, we’ll be with you in 20 minutes?

Gabe: No, the lady said, you know, OK, here’s the here’s some paperwork. We’re going to have a social worker come over and talk to you. And I honestly don’t know how long we waited, but they took it very, very seriously. And they put me in a room behind a curtain. And I remember the first person to talk to me was like a nurse and then a social worker. I very clearly remember a social worker. And, you know, some other nurses asked me questions. And finally, the emergency room doctor came in and asked me questions. And that guy said something along the lines of, hey, we need to get you a psych consult. So a psychiatrist is going to come and talk to you. Around this time is when I just started to blackout.

Jackie: Do they ask you questions, though? You know, when you go to your primary care physician or something and they say in the last two weeks, have you felt depressed? Have you had a hard time sleeping or they when you walk in and you say, hi. I want to kill myself. Are they like, OK, well, let’s. What does that mean to you or are they like, OK, cool. So have you been sad lately here? I mean, what did they say?

Gabe: Here is where things are going to diverge greatly. I know what they’re supposed to say.

Jackie: Mm hmm.

Gabe: I want to be very, very clear. I’ve been in the mental health advocacy game for a long time and they have a questionnaire lists and follow up questions and they are gauging you. They ask you if you’re feeling suicidal. They ask you if you have a plan. They ask if you have access to means, you know, they ask you, like you said, how have you felt over the last two weeks? If it interferes with the activity of daily living? That comes up a lot. That day, I don’t remember any of that. I remember a lot of people coming in. And according to the woman who brought me to the hospital, I didn’t seem to notice that they kept asking me the same questions over and over again.

Jackie: This the worst part about the E.R.

Gabe: Yeah, I didn’t notice it.

Jackie: They just ask you the same fucking thing over and over.

Gabe: I did not notice. And again, at some point, I just completely, completely blacked out. And the next thing that I remember was waking up in a psychiatric hospital as an inpatient.

Jackie: Ok, so let’s talk. Let’s talk about that because let’s talk about what I think inpatient looks like. Maybe not what I think, but let’s talk about What Girl, Interrupted taught me about what in-patient looks like. Inpatient care looks like a bunch of people in a nice sunny room doped up out of their minds. So they’re not really walking. They’re not really talking. They’re just like hanging out weirdly and silently. Everybody has a room and a roommate, which they get locked in at night. There’s a line for meds that everybody stands in. And a lot of people don’t want to take their meds. And then there’s a group therapy part of the day and then there’s a one on one therapy part of the day. How close am I?

Gabe: So in some ways, you’re not as far off as you think.

Jackie: That kind of makes me sad.

Gabe: And in other ways, you’re really, really, really far off. That’s the thing about pop culture, right? The reason it’s so devious is that it’s got that little bit of truth in it. Are you locked in a psychiatric ward and or hospital? Yes. Yes, absolutely. Do they try to make the rooms like really big and bright? Yeah, they can’t have a lot of stuff in them. The furniture has to be extremely heavy. So you can’t pick it up and throw it. The furniture has to be not cloth because you have to be able to wipe it down. And listen, if you look at any place in a hospital, all of that furniture is vinyl or leather. It’s not cloth because there’s fluids everywhere. And it is. Is it ugly? Yes. You’re not staying at a bed and breakfast. As far as the people doped up out of their mind, no, but, yes. Do these people look like they’re having a good day? No. We’re in a hospital.

Jackie: Are you interacting with other people, like the way that it’s sort of like a group room? Because when I was in the hospital, if I had a roommate, I didn’t want to talk to them. I don’t want to look at them. And there was no like social area wasn’t mingling. It was like, I’m not here trying not to die. So.

Gabe: There is a social area. Physically, we’re OK in general. Movement is good. They don’t want us to lay in bed all day because, you know, you’re depressed and you’re feeling suicidal and they let you sleep all day, that that’s not going to kind of help move you along. Right. They do get us out of our rooms and hoard us into like sort of that, you know, that sunshiny room that you describe with a bunch of people wandering around as far as interactions concerned. You know, that’s a tough one. We are encouraged to interact with each other. And by the last day, I formed a basketball team that we called the straight jackets.

Jackie: Oh, god.

Gabe: On the first day I sat in the farthest corner and held a book over my face that I was not reading, but I wanted people to think that I was reading. And I also didn’t want to see what was going on. And people largely left me alone in the middle. I played checkers. So it’s tough, right? I don’t think anybody the day they get to the hospital wants to hang out with the other hospital. And I’m not talking psychiatric. I just you know, my dad’s been in the hospital for surgery. He’s had a roommate each and every time. I don’t think he could tell you what they look like.

Jackie: That’s the worst. It’s the absolute worst.

Gabe: Nobody wants to meet friends in the hospital and to use your girl interrupted an allergy that might be the cruelest part of these movies. In my mind, these movies, these books, they always end with these lifelong friendships. They always end with these. You met people who made you better. You met somebody that inspired you. You discovered that you love art. That’s. No. You were in the hospital. You were diagnosed. You were removed from crisis. You were given an emergency care. And then you leave. You don’t. You.

Jackie: You’re not besties with anybody?

Gabe: You really aren’t. And I remember some of the stories of the people who I was inpatient with. And they’re not even necessarily positive stories. They’re not negative ones. They’re just it’s just really hard. It’s you’re scared and you’re sick. And hospitals are ugly and they’re ugly for necessity. And that’s something that I want to touch on. Right. So many people think that psychiatric hospitals and psychiatric wards are ugly because they hate the patients. They’re not. They’re ugly because they have to be. The reason that the doors are locked is because they need to keep a safe. Somebody who’s suicidal or not in their right mind just can’t roam the hospital grounds. What if we get our hands on a knife from the cafeteria? They have to be able to control the area. And when you control the area, you lock the doors.

Jackie: Are the, like your bedroom door? Do those get locked? Did they get locked?

Gabe: They didn’t.

Jackie: Ok, it was like the ward was locked, but.

Gabe: So essentially, the way that it worked. And again, your hospital may vary. Is there were wings. So I was in the male wing. There was another wing for females. And then there was a geriatric wing, which was for older people and.

Jackie: You only wear nightgowns, right? Like that’s what in my head they only wear nightgowns.

Gabe: No. Nope. We all had our street clothes on.

Jackie: And long gray hair, that is not been brushed in a minute.

Gabe: No.

Jackie: I also learned that in Girl, Interrupted.

Gabe: All, all all of us were in our street clothes. And now the first day that I was in, I came from the emergency room and I wasn’t a gown, but my street clothes were there. When I woke up and figured out what was going on or where I was, they told me that I could take a shower and put on my street clothes. And later that day, the woman who brought me to the psychiatric hospital brought me more clothes. And that’s what I wore the whole time. And so, no, no, there wasn’t long, stringy gray hair. I’m not saying that there wasn’t somebody in a corner rocking back and forth because there was listen, that that is a reality. Some people are sicker than others. It might also be a good idea to point out that Girl, Interrupted was also about like really long term care.

Jackie: It was also in the 60s when it was not as good as it may be today either, right?

Gabe: Yeah,

Jackie: Yeah, like there’s a lot of things that have changed.

Gabe: There’s a lot of differences. Yeah. Yeah. And again. Since we’re using Girl Interrupted, I don’t think that it’s a bad movie and this is certainly this person’s experience. So it’s really hard to say, no, you’re wrong because I wasn’t there. But the takeaway is that people are getting of sort of this like sad, depressing, miserable place where everybody’s mean to you and you’re locked in this room for some sort of punitive reason. I wanted to smell those myths, but I also want to point out that it is depressing, are locked in a room and some of this is against your will. I don’t know how to put those things in my brain because the reason that you’re locked in the room is to keep you safe. But you’re still an adult who’s locked in a room.

Jackie: Right.

Gabe: The reason that everything’s ugly is because it’s a hospital and hospitals are ugly and there are safety issues at large. But we still can’t get over the fact that it’s ugly and people will be like, well, it’s really depressing to be inpatient. No shit. It’s depressing to be in the hospital. It’s depressing to be at the DMV. There’s just things in life that even though this is the best thing for us, it is depressing. Life is depressing sometimes. And it this is really, really difficult because in a psychiatric hospital, we often believe that these things are punitive. I believed with every single fiber of my being that the reason that that door was locked is because society hated me. And that was not. Why not? Why at all?

Jackie: I want to ask a follow up to that. When you left, did you still feel that way? Like when you walked out, you were thinking to yourself, this door’s locked because society hates me?

Gabe: Yes.

Jackie: Yes.

Gabe: Because they need to protect society from people like me. And that’s the part that is just so incredibly unfair. Nobody dispelled me of any of these myths. I believed that that door was locked because society was afraid of me and hated me. And I was a bad person. And nobody sat me down and told me that wasn’t why it would be years, years later, after I reached recovery, decided to become an advocate. Like, I didn’t even learn this like early in my advocacy days, like I was holding national awards and published in national publications. And finally, finally, I said this to a psychiatrist. I said, it’s really mean to lock people behind doors because society has given up on them. And the guy said, that’s not why we do it. And I said, why do you do it? And he said, you’re suicidal. You’re not in your right mind. You want to hurt yourself. You’re a danger to yourself or others. We have to be able to control the environment. We can’t let you roam free. We have to have an environment that we know that you’re safe in. And that means that means walls, fences, doors, windows locked. That’s why we do it. That made so much sense. It made so much sense.

Jackie: It took a psychiatrist years, years, years later to explain that to you?

Gabe: Yeah.

Jackie: So looking back now, how do you feel about that experience?

Gabe: I feel completely differently. Everything is different, I’ve learned so much from those days and I feel really lucky that I could talk to more people on both sides and learn more and realize that even though I felt that was happening, you know, just being locked up because I was a danger and that society hated me. I realize that there was just so much more to it than that. In those moments, I could only see the world through the lens of my own eyes, and becoming an advocate allowed me to see things from so many different perspectives. Society’s perspective, other patients’ perspective, the doctor’s perspectives. I don’t know that I ever would have realized that, and this is why I believe in having conversations surrounding the bad things that happen to us. Right. Because if I hadn’t had those conversations, I would still be walking around thinking that society hated me and locked me in a room because I was a bad person and I never, ever would have seen the broader picture.

Jackie: Well, and that’s why we do the show, right? Because as it turns out, talking about these experiences make them easier for all of us to participate in and appreciate.

Gabe: Yeah. Who knew? It’s almost like working it out versus internalizing it makes the world better. And I had so much to say. We decided to break this up into a two part episode. So this was part one. Come back next week for part two and learn more about Gabe’s inpatient adventures. If you like the show, please share us everywhere on social media. Rate us. Rank us. Use your words and stay tuned after the credits because we always put funny shit there. We will see you next week with part two.

Announcer: You’ve been listening to Not Crazy from Psych Central. For free mental health resources and online support groups, visit PsychCentral.com. Not Crazy’s official website is PsychCentral.com/NotCrazy. To work with Gabe, go to gabehoward.com. To work with Jackie, go to JackieZimmerman.co. Not Crazy travels well. Have Gabe and Jackie record an episode live at your next event. E-mail [email protected] for details.

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