#to be clear i dont profoundly care about any of this like i think its funny im not mad about it . but as a known pathetic guy desirer i had | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

metaphoricalmusings · 6 months

Text

eug #2

i never actually wrote a reflection down about this relationship (my longest ever, which spanned almost 3 years...depending on how you slice and dice the nebulous dtr phase in the beginning lol). but it is important to me to write this down because despite my frustrations and its eventual end (+ that we are no longer talking, even though i do hope we will one day be good friends again), this was a profoundly meaningful person in my life.

eug shaped a lot of my tastes and preferences and was an incredible companion in so many ways—but just not right for me as a life partner.

perhaps the most fundamental incompatibility was our differing outlooks on the future, regarding family. this was the easiest path to rationalize the decision when it came to breaking up with him. i didn't want to hurt him by tearing into a lot of the other reasons i felt we were incompatible, also because deep down i felt he wasn't open to reconciling some of these fundamental emotional issues that plagued us.

one thing that I will always think about was the way he showed me love was something that is much more than just a word. throughout the time that we were together, in his own steadfast way, he convinced me that love isn't something that's defined in bold public declarations, but instead, it is in the everyday acts of service and the attention and the care that is only possible when you are committed to someone else in the highest degree possible. i have no doubt that eug loved me deeply, and i felt comfortable and deeply cared for in our relationship.

on the flip side of this, never hearing "i love you" despite saying it to him multiple times and bringing it up, this was something i tried again and again to rationalize to myself as something that wasn't important to me... but i realize now that it is. to me it's not so much needing to be showered with love yous all the time, but rather, are you willing to verbalize your love to me, to others? because if you are really resolutely committed then, why would you be scared of that? he was very adverse to any discussions of the "future". if i ever brought up marriage or anything regarding planning down the line (which i did because i think that is reasonable to think about when you hit 1-2+ years)...he would shut it down in a way that was dismissive and made clear he didn't think it was something important to talk about. his words, delivered always with a bit of steel to them: "well if im still with you then obviously i see a future. i dont see what else there is to discuss."

this attitude towards "hiding" tangible presentations of our relationship manifested in other uncomfortable ways—such as never meeting his parents or never meeting a single one of his friends. I felt forever hidden and that translated into me interpreting him feeling ashamed or embarrassed of me. no one wants that in a relationship! there's other issues but i'm wondering if there's any point in me writing a laundry list of them all down. the most important thing is that i learned what is non-negotiable for me in the future.

euge pushed me to be a better artist and a better person. he is incredibly thoughtful in so many ways, and I was inspired greatly by his approach to work, life, and the world at large. through him, my world became bigger, and that is the best thing you can ask of any relationship. his sense of humor delighted me and his art made me reflect and improve on my own. as a travel companion, he was patient and giving. as a chef, so thoughtfully attuned to my tastes, as a partner, so very up for any adventure I felt like taking us on. and we did have wonderful adventures!

below is the email that I wrote to him a week after the break up. I went back and forth on whether this was a good idea to send...but ultimately it was important to me to communicate to him in more depth, the complexity of my feelings. sometimes that doesn't get a chance to come up when you are going through the difficult task of breaking up with someone. i hate hurting people and there is no way to not hurt people in this type of situation. it is a bad place to be in, especially when the person in question is someone very important and special to you.

---

Dear E, It all started with writing emails and somehow I find returning here is comforting— despite it all. The first and most important thing I want to say you are an incredibly good person. Spending time with you is my favorite thing in the world. I have never met anyone like you, Eugene, you are in a class of your own. We've known each other three years now, and in that time you have changed me and inspired me in ways far beyond my wildest imagination. I treasure every minute, every second we've been together, going way back to the times when all we had were comics and Zoom calls. When I think of art, I think of you. When I think of life, I think of you. When I think of love, I think of you. You are so caring, and so thoughtful, even when I don't deserve it. You are a man of firm values, and you defend them courageously. I have always admired this about you. Your curiosity and the inquisitive lens through which you observe the world inspires me every time I'm with you...and it's made me a better person. Whether it's a tiny bug or a random big idea, you treat them with equal consideration and kindness. I am so lucky that this life brought us together from across an ocean. I love you. I love you. I love you. I do not love many people in this world but you are one of them. Thank you. I'm so sorry it was sudden. I know a future with children is a non-negotiable. For a long time, I didn't have clarity on that for myself, and I pushed my desire down so I wouldn't have to face it and maybe, maybe I'd find that I didn't want children either. I didn't know what to say and I didn't know if it was enough. But it's something I knew I would need to answer. In the end, I didn't want to entangle us with a messy and drawn out discussion over the kids aspect in a shared future. It felt like it would do us no good—because I know where you stand on this. The only way I know how to move forward is to rip the band-aid off...it would have been selfish of me to let us go on once I made a decision. I respect you too much to ever try and ask for compromise. And likewise, if I forgo children in my life, I know that deep down I would hold resentment and you don't deserve that. I don't want us to be torn apart from this simmering within me. You deserve someone who is aligned completely with you on this non-negotiable. I hope you won't hate me for making this choice; I don't think I could bear it. Whether you want to talk to me or not, I will always be here. I know it might take time, but our friendship came first, and it will always come first. Your name is my favorite to see pop-up on my phone messages. Your voice has captivated me since the day I heard it. Your reactions when we try something new together, or when we watch something amazing together— I've memorized those moments. I still hope there are many more to come. I mean it when I say I will always want to watch films with you. And to hear about the minor and major happenings in your day to day. And to explore new places to paint. And to try new restaurants, and of course I still owe you a big delicious Thai fried chicken. None of that changes. I'll be back soon, and I hope we are never strangers. I care so much about you. I want you to be well, always. I hold tight to my heart, the hope that years from now, our friendship stays as strong as ever through this. Every time I return to write here, I start to cry. Please don't feel pressure to reply if you don't want to. It's just I have so many things I want to say but I don't know how to find the words and I feel so far away. I am so sad and it takes everything I have to hold steadfast to the truth that my deep care for you will always be here, and there are bright days ahead when the sadness doesn't consume my heart. I can't wait to watch a movie with you soon. Always yours, Cherrie

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veeranger · 4 years

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Thoughts on Halo Reach's plot and best to worst noble team members?

you know ive actually been a lot more critical towards reach lately because i think it fails on the biggest thing it advertised: noble team. characters have never really been the strong suit of bungie’s writing (idk who destiny is so dont @ me) and while this isnt usually a major issue, it is an issue when a game wants to sell you on this squad of your teammates it wants you to care about or at least be fond of. ODST and Reach both have a cast of characters that could be really interesting but since halo is a shooter and not really a storytelling kinda game series all they really get are a few lines here and there and some cool moments, nothing really solid or anything to get a glimpse at who they are. maybe thats kinda the point though since spartans are all fucked up broken people like inherently. i dont think thats why bungie did that though

as for reach’s actual plot, i think it works well for what it is, a playable tragedy that tells you the conclusion up front. halo fans who are any level above completely casual knew that reach got completely glassed right before the start of halo ce and the advertising of this was very clear. the fact that you’ve never heard of spartan 3′s or noble team before was a pretty clear indicator of what their fates would be before you even turned on your xbox. the game literally opens with your smashed helmet embedded in the ground as a tombstone to your inevitable heroic sacrifice. reach invokes the same kind of feeling as star wars rogue one, you just know things wont end well for our main characters but you know that their deaths will pave the way for the main series protagonist to eventually win the whole damn thing 3 games/movies from now.

so even with this in mind you go through reach and you think “wow things are going pretty well, we’re holding out own against the covies and even striking back at key targets” and maybe you forget whats going to happen or you dont and you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. and boy fucking howdy does it drop. jorge dies thinking he just saved reach and as you fall through the atmosphere you realize how hopelessly fucked you are. thats where the game enters its second phase, the “we’re fucked but still fighting” phase, as opposed to the first half of the game where things were still somewhat hopeful. noble six wakes up like a week later to half the planet burning and civilians being slaughtered as they try to evac. the first level of the second half of the game features you busting your ass hard to clear an evac point for civilians only to see them all get shot down and die. its brutal stuff, especially for halo who had never shown the conflict though that lense.

what follows is a parade of squadmate deaths as your numbers dwindle with every level until its just you and emile, and then just you. unlike in rogue one you actually aren’t immediately told what the key item in this quest is, in this case its cortana, the equivalent to the death star plans in rogue one, the most important thing in the universe since cortana will be the one to slipspace jump to halo 04 and kick off a series of events that will lead to the survival of humanity. but once you get this item suddenly it all makes sense, carter is told this is “what his spartans died for” and to you that means a lot more than it ever would to him.

reach ends with a profoundly impactful epilogue level where you just. are doomed. you can’t hold out forever and even if you could there’s no rescue coming for you. noble six gave their life to save the universe and never even knew it. the fact that their death isnt a cutscene but you actually yourself have to try to stave off death or just take as many elites with you as you can before they get you, it really adds so much to the impact of the final noble team death. nevermind that six isnt a real character it does work in this case because you’re seeing it from a first person perspective.

so overall my thoughts on reach is that despite the major flaw of not making you care enough about noble team (unless you do, this is my personal view) it does its job very well in portraying the desperate struggle of humanity against a threat that they cannot possibly comprehend or rightfully stand up against, but despite devastating loss the small victories they achieved still ended up mattering in the end.

now as for noble team i wont do a best to worst but ill give my thoughts on everyone

carter: hardass commander type, not much to say imo. his death scene was his best moment and i wish his relationship with kat had been fleshed out more because it was so so funny to see her pull his strings to get what she wants. you can tell he has the respect of everyone, especially emile.

kat: the only girl! i actually like cat, im glad they gave her a buzzcut instead of trying to make her sexy or anything even if they did give her that ass in her armor. shes the typical smartass better than you genius character but it works, especially with that accent. i wish i could be friends with her, there was that scene right before she died where she confided in six that this was also her first glassing. her death was kind of shock value to me and i wish she could have at least died with a little more dignity like the rest of noble team but alas :(

jun: probably my least favorite. i cant really remember much of this guy. he’s the only one who got to live and i kind of hate him for that because he was the least interesting of the bunch.

emile: certainly the most iconic of all the noble spartans. he comes off as sadistic but not a maniac, he listens to carter when he speaks and is on good terms with kat even through his obvious inability to really connect to other people. this is certainly because of the fact that he’s a spartan-3, he’s probably the most “inhuman” of the bunch. i wish his relationship with jorge was given a little more, i liked how despite his pushing jorge early in the game he still mourned his death, and yet refused to carry his dogtags because he knew six was the one who was entrusted with them. his death was very iconic i think everyone remembers that.

jorge: the big man himself, his death is what set the tone for the second half of the game and was probably pretty impactful to most people playing. i always thought it was interesting that he was a spartan-2 and not a 3 like the rest of noble, i wonder why that was. his relationship with halsey was interesting and it showed that not all spartans hated the devil woman for what she did to them. his defining characteristic was his big heart and that was especially interesting for a spartan-2, that he managed to hold onto something like that through all the shit he probably went through.

#wow i talked a lot about reach #Anonymous #apple post

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shivam2344 · 4 years

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Voltage Stabilizers for AC 1.5 Ton

"The vast majority of the People say that there is no need of Stabilizers for Inverter AC's",

Truly I concur with them, the greater part of the marked Air Conditioners have their own Inbuilt circuit which adjusts voltage vacillations productively. Yet, as we Indians must realize that there is no precise measure of current, voltage was provided to our home. more often than not particularly in Summer we can see expanded force drops, voltage vacillations. These variances might be seen straightforward, however the genuine danger is for your significant TV, AC, Fridges, Washing Machine, PC's other electrical apparatuses.

"On the off chance that the Input voltage run goes past 90 V to 300 V Range, there comes the genuine issue for Air Conditioners. If so in your region then you should purchase an ideal stabilizer for your AC."

Alwys take care of your home appliances well otherwise their durisability will be short. Air Conditioner always need a stabilizer whatever Brand Ac belongs to it does not matter. Voltage stabilizer is must.

For what reason do we need Stabilizer for Inverter AC?

In a general sense Inverter AC's Dont require any extra Voltage stabilizers and Inverter Air Conditioners are exorbitant however. On the off chance that the voltage Fluctuation is excessively high, Then there is a Higher chance of PCB harm. extreme spike in current harms the significant functionalities of AC which decreases the existence time of your important Appliances. Particularly in India a large portion of the individuals want to have the best Inverter AC stabilizer to safe gatekeeper their Inverter AC, If they face most exceedingly awful force flexibly in their region.

How To Choose the best stabilizer for AC?.

This is one of the normal speculation, First of all break down what's your prerequisite. better to think about AC includes consummately. On the off chance that you have a 1.5 Ton AC you can have normal capacity(4 Kva) voltage stabilizer. In the event that your AC has around 2 Ton, at that point we need according to that. I will clarify you unmistakably with a table. The better stabilizer

Info Voltage Range: 160-260V/140 – 280 V/90 – 270 V

Yield Voltage Range 220+-10%

0.7 Ton or 1.5 Ton A.c. 4 Kva Stabilizer

2 Ton A.C. 5 Kva Stabilizer

2.5 or 3 Ton AC 7.5 Kva Stabilizer

How does the single booster stabilizer varies from the double booster stabilizer?

"Not just these parameters. We will pick the best Ac stabilizer brandwise utilizing different parameters of every single brand"

Voltage and Power Consumption of AC Voltage Stabilizer-min

voltage stabilizer for all home needs,check around here. In the event that you came to check for best TV stabilizer, look at this connection.

Moto of This Article "Air conditioning Stabilizer"

For what reason Do we need remarkable stabilizers for Different AC's?. Each Air Conditioner brand has its own one of a kind circuit plan, Processors, PCB's, Cooling Technology. To be clear, If an AC accompanies another element. at that point there is no uncertainty it has a one of a kind structure of PCB plan. Like shrewd Voltage stabilizer marks as well.

"With the goal that we have taken an enormous activity to give the most appropriate Stabilizers to your own novel Air Conditioners. we made total examination and we tested the best marked stabilizers with the top marked AC's."

To give the best outcomes to you. we may give the examination report to you however. be that as it may, it is convoluted and extreme to comprehend distinctive circuit plans. no concerns I have accompanied a not too bad looking correlation tables for every single brands of Indian industry.

( we are appreciative to the marked showrooms(eZone) of Bangalore, who helped us with our examination)

In the event that you require stabilizer for all your apparatus, a solitary mainline stabilizer will do the enchantment for you. purchase a mainline stabilizer which can ensure your total home apparatuses, which is cost proficient, gives across the board highlight.

Let Us get into your enormous rundown of AC stabilizers that was particularly implied for Your AC.

1.5 Ton AC stabilizers VS 2 Ton AC Stabilizers

Why we need an alternate stabilizer for 1.5 and 2 Ton AC?. We all unmistakably realize that 1.5 ton air conditioning and 2 ton AC are finished extraordinary, similar to astute we need an alternate stabilizer for both 1.5 and 2 AC. with the goal that I have rattled off the best AC stabilizers for 1.5 ton and 2 ton air conditioning stabilizers.I will clarify you plainly in coming points.

→1.5 Ton AC stabilizers-[Requires 4 Kva stabilizers]

2 Ton AC stabilizers-[Requires 5 Kva stabilizers]

choosing the AC stabilizer dependent on tonnage is extremely significant. in view of tonnage just the voltage necessity changes. with the goal that you can even discover in all AC stabilizers, they have referenced the tonnage of AC. The circuits will be structured according to the limit of Air conditioners. the accompanying rundown depends on 1.5 ton AC brands and its best coordinating stabilizer brands. pick one for your image. I have arranged a major rundown for → 2 Ton AC stabilizers likewise, I have recorded this dependent on brands, highlights, costs and so on.

V Guard (Inverter AC) Best Vguard AC Stabilizer for 1.5 ton AC

Buy here - V-Guard VG 400 (170V – 270V) Copper Voltage Stabilizer for 1.5 Ton Inverter Split AC(Air Conditioner)

V Guard (Inverter AC) Features

Capcity 12 A

Time Delay ITDS 3Min ±20 sec

Info Voltage 130 – 280 V

Reasonable for Up to 1.5 Ton

Mount type Wall

Execution Feature Smart Digital display,Time Delay System

Warranty 3 years

Phase 3

Booster Single

Auto Restart yes

Curl/Wire Copper/Aluminum

Is it Worth Buying ??

This is a most regular prerequisite for all Inverter AC clients. Inverter AC's now accompanies inbuilt stabilizers, So Inverter AC requires stabilizers if there is most pessimistic scenario situations. So we need a stabilizer which is for more better than Inverter AC stabilizers. So this will be the best Inverter AC stabilizer which accompanies hard core limit. The yield of this stabilizer is progressively exact and most significant thing is, "This item is extraordinarily intended for Inverter AC's, So if this is the prerequisite you can go for this rich stabilizer.

V Guard VG 500 Best Vguard AC Stabilizer for 2 ton AC

Buy on Amazon

V Guard VG 500 Features

Capcity 15 A

Time Delay ITDS 3Min ±20 sec

Information Voltage 170 – 270 V

Appropriate for 1 AC (Up to 2 Ton)/24000 Btu/Hr

Mount type Wall

Bureau Material ABS

Warranty 3 years

Phase Single

Wire Aluminium Wired

Weight 3.99 kg

Technology Zero cross Detector

Is it Worth Buying ??

We as a whole realize that Vguard is the stabilizer lord in India. Let me let you know there are a few AC stabilizers in vguard which gives extraordinary highlights and it is a significant rival in India. In the wake of looking at all AC Vguard stabilizers I have chooesed VG500 AC stabilizer for 2 ton AC. This stabilizer fits for all brands and keeps up steady voltage in the vast majority of the cases. This stabilizer has pulled in many clients and it is famous for its notable abilities. I have a twofold approval for this AC stabilizer which may cost you beneath 2k.

Microtek EM5170+ Best MicroTek AC Stabilizer for 2 ton AC

Buy on AMAZON

Microtek EM5170+ Features

Information Power 170 V – 270 V

Yield Power 220VA±5V

Display LED

Protection Under Volt and Over volt Protection

Technology Save Power Technology, Smart Time Delay

Mount type Wall

Coil Copper Winding

Warranty 3 years

Weight 5 kg

Auto Restart yes

Is it Worth Buying ??

Microtek is one of the notable stabilizer brand, however the thing is we need to know the best stabilizer for AC. in the wake of contrasting all Microtek stabilizers I discovered this stabilizer stays on the top for 2 ton AC. In the event that you are Microtek darling and have 2 ton AC to associate, at that point this stabilizer is the best to purchase for now. Microtek EM5170+ AC stabilizer is the best in sparing force.

Microtek EM4160+ Automatic Voltage Stabilizer for AC up to 1.5 ton

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Activa 4 kva/165 290 Specification

Rating 5 star

Yield Voltage 195 – 245 V

Information Voltage 165 – 290 V

Phase 1

Mount type Wall

Max Power Handling Capacity 4000 W

Spike Suppressor yes

Circuit Breaker yes

Excursion Delay yes

Working Temp 0 – 50 deg C

Material knife ####

Body Sheet Metal Powder Coated

Warranty 2 years

Twofold ball bearing yes

Motor 100 % copper winding

Is it Worth Buying ??

The greater part of them may not know about this Ac stabilizer brand "Activa". In any case, This is an inventive Stabilizer which suites better with Haier Air Conditioner structures. Haier Air conditioners has the accompanying included circuit stream. The inward structure of Haier AC has an Auto Restart circuit, Aluminum and copper condensers which requires profoundly qualified Toroidal technology(coil development of the transformers which gives polymetric current stream). Activa Voltage stabilizers gives steady force flexibly and guarantees smooth usefulness of Air conditioners. In our exploration we discovered This Acitva voltage stabilizer was the most ideal counterpart for Haier AC. other marked stabilizers like Vguard, Microtek may not be that much reasonable for Haier AC. Activa AC stabilizer utilizes most recent IC innovation which wont transmit that much and gives less warmth. This Ac stabilizer gives 13 Amps which is an ideal counterpart for 1.5 ton Haier split and window AC.

Microtek EM4090 Best Stabilizer fo Voltas 1.5 ton AC

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Microtek EM4090 Features

Info Power 90 V – 300 V

Yield Power 220VA±5V

Display Digital

Protection Under Volt and Over volt Protection

Technology Save Power Technology, Smart Time Delay

Curl/Transformer Copper/Aluminum

Booster Triple

Phase Single

Mount Type Wall

Warranty 3 years

Weight 14 kg

Is it Worth Buying ??

Voltas is one of the main AC supplier. the vast majority of the Voltas AC accompanies inbuilt balancing out limit. utilizing an outside AC stabilizer for Voltas AC hinders the startup time. On the off chance that there is poor force gracefully, at that point there is no utilization of value AC or Inverter AC. Voltas Air Conditioners may not endure extreme voltage change. Voltas AC are sufficient before they harm. be that as it may, once if there is any harm occured in view of intensity vacillation, in come cases the harm can't be recouped and it gradually begins to fix much of the time. which makes immense lose of cash. in any case, no concerns forestall it before the issue emerges. I have given the businesses best voltage stabilizer for Voltas AC. This Microtek AC stabilizer is tad expensive. In any case, it secures your expensive voltas Air Conditioners. It is unequivocally prudent to utilize quality AC stabilizer so as to shield from voltage change.

Microtek Em4130 Best Stabilizer for Whirlpool 1.5 ton AC

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Microtek Em4130 Features

Info Power 130V to 300V +/ - 5V

Booster Double/span>

Protection Low and High Voltage cut off

Mount type Wall

Warranty 3 years

Weight 8.3 kg

Is it Worth Buying ??

MicroTek EM4130 AC stabilizer was uncommonly intended for AC. Why I Choosed this microtek EM4130 AC stabilizer for 1.5 ton Whirlpool AC, there is a solid explanation behind picking this stabilizer. This Microtek AC stabilizer has a sharp low and high cut off protcection which is very essentical for entangled circuit structures of whirlpool. This Microtek AC stabilizer end up being the best for Whirlpool AC. The complete circuit was essentially implimented utilizing Intelli Microchip. The condensers and auto start circuits of whirlpool needs a productive stabilizer, which was accessible with Microtek AC stabilizer.

Microtek EM4150 Best Stabilizer for BPL 1.5 ton AC

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Microtek EM4150 Features

Info Voltage 150 – 280 V

Mount type Wall

Curl/Wire Copper Winding/Aluminum Winding

Show Type Digital

Twofold Booster Boosts 30 V

Warranty 3 years

Phase Single

Time Delay System Time deferral of 3 mins

Is it Worth Buying ??

This Ancient BPL AC models doesn't have resistant to substantial vacillation which unquestionably requires an even stabilizer. For BPL AC I propose you Microtek EM4150 AC stabilizer. I emphatically guidance you to utilize this AC stabilizer as it is a Double sponsor stabilizer which adequately underwrite the information voltage and give productive ease of use of AC. It has a force sparing innovation which auto switch now and again. So that BPL stabilizers require progressively unique stabilizer. with the goal that I am demanding this AC voltage stabilizer for your 1.5 ton BPL AC.

Screen 4 KVA Best Stabilizer for Hyundai 1.5 ton AC

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Screen 4 KVA Features

Capcity 12 A

Time Delay ITDS 3Min ±20 sec

Info Voltage 170 – 270 V

Reasonable for Up to 1.5 Ton

Mount type Wall

Coil Copper Winding

Generator compatibility yes

Attachment Type 3 pin

Warranty 3 years

Phase Single

Weight 2.5 kg

Flood Protection yes

Is it Worth Buying ??

This Spicy Hyundai Air conditioners for the most part ward of outside stabilizers for power adjusting. So I have taken screen 4 kva AC stabilizer which has a working scope of 170 to 250 v gracefully limit which will be all that anyone could need for 1 ton to 1.5 ton AC.

Screen 4 KVA Best Monitor Wall Mounted AC Stabilizer for 1.5 ton AC

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Screen 4 KVA Features

Capcity 12 A

Time Delay ITDS 3Min ±20 sec

Information Voltage 170 – 270 V

Appropriate for Up to 1.5 Ton

Mount type Wall

Coil Copper Winding

Generator compatibility yes

Fitting Type 3 pin

Warranty 3 years

Phase Single

Weight 2.5 kg

Flood Protection yes

Is it Worth Buying ??

I have looked for the best divider mountable stabilizers which is a significant necessity for the majority of the houses. I discovered Monitor Ac stabilizer will be the best stabilizer for this kind of necessity. you can purchase this stabilizer at a tolerable value today on the web.

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qqueenofhades · 5 years

Note

I know you dont watch GoT anymore. And that Braime and Sansa are your favorites. But I know you've read the books and are obviously really interested in the story. And I was just wondering what your thoughts are on the whole Jon killing Dany thing? Is that something you can see happening in the books? And if it is do you think it'd be in the same context as the show did it?

Ahaha, welp. Just jumping right in there.

(Also, you never have to apologise for asking GOT/ASOIAF questions. I obviously have been a fan for 16 years and wrote fuckin’ TNR with its half-million-plus words, so I clearly do have Thoughts on the story/characters, especially with the bag of lukewarm cat vomit that was s8 of the show.)

I already answered this ask discussing how much I hated the Mad Queen Dany thing, both because a) it was horrifically badly handled and b) these mediocre misogynist douchegobblers have managed to outdo themselves in terms of the gross messages they’ve sent about women, after 8 seasons of that. (These are the same people who made Sansa say that she was grateful for her rapes and who claimed that Dany’s turn into madness was foreshadowed by her having a “chilly” reaction to the death of her abuser, Viserys, in s1, so…. make of that what you will.) I’m not saying that it was narratively impossible, especially since GRRM has been toying with the same thing in the books and has more than his own share of Male Author Syndrome. But at the start of 8x04, Dany is in Winterfell, perfectly sane, toasting Arya as hero of the battle. By the end of 8x06, she’s crazy, a war criminal, and dead, murdered by her boyfriend, because… well, something something plot reasons. Even if you didn’t like Dany or were rooting for her to go mad or whatever, that was wildly badly handled.

I personally think it would be pretty gross for GRRM to also go down the Mad Queen route, though at least if he does, we will have had Dany’s POV chapters beforehand and presumably something resembling a justification and a building narrative momentum toward it. But she also got stuck in Meereen for so long because by his own admission he didn’t know what to do with her there or how to get her out of the situation and moved onto Westeros, which remains, theoretically, her outstanding goal in the books. It would obviously not be outside the realm of possibility for this to happen, given GRRM’s focus on “grittiness” that the show took to max factor 5000. I would still find it reductive and trying to make a Clever Postmodern Point and etc if it happened in the books, because literally why invest us in a character this long, especially one who has tried so hard to overcome the circumstances of her past/to not be her father, and then just do exactly that? Obviously there would be elements of Shakespearean tragedy to it, and if done well it could be compelling, but I personally just have a different approach to fiction and what people want out of a story (especially one now as famous as GOT/ASOIAF and how universally betrayed everyone seems to feel by the ending). I’m not saying Dany’s ultimate ending needs to be sunshine and roses and getting what she wants, because often character arcs and resolutions become all the more powerful for being subverted and thwarted (think the “I said I wanted [x] but [y] was there instead” sort of endings). But whatever it is, it needs to be…. not that.

Also, Jon in both books and especially show has been the epitome of Mediocre White Man. I stopped watching in s4, but Kit Harington’s acting was so wooden and the writing for him was very much Standard Misunderstood Brooding Fantasy Hero that I could barely pay attention to his scenes. I find him somewhat more interesting in the books, though ADWD dragged for everyone and it was obvious GRRM was writing in circles. But everyone has noticed that especially in the show, Jon does absolutely bupkis. His ass is constantly saved by the women in his life, he makes an absolute hash of any power that he is given and doesn’t want it anyway, and his ultimate ending was…. going back to the Night’s Watch (as their idea of satisfying narrative storytelling is to literally put everyone back where they were in the very first episode, apparently). Never mind the fact that there’s no need for the Night’s Watch, but the point is, even the fact that Jon is Rhaegar and Lyanna’s son ended up being relevant for like half an episode. That has been one of the major plot points/secrets of the books (although not so much anymore) and it just…. fizzled out like a damp squib. Dany actually TRIED for multiple seasons to be a good ruler and to learn how to handle power and become a queen, so for her to have to be the one to die for Jon to once again do diddlysquat is… well, as I have said before, the misogyny leaps out. They ended up wasting so much potential and so many other things that were also foreshadowed (and far more convincingly than “wah wah she was gonna go evil!”). For this? So Jon can just go brood in the snow again? Cool.

Not to mention, I find it gross on principle that Dany’s boyfriend had to be the one to kill her, especially after rape/sexual violence/loss of agency was such a big part of her early-season storylines (and how horrifyingly and grossly that has been handled on the show overall). We’re obviously supposed to sympathize with Jon in this scenario and to feel that it is justified to “stop a tyrant” or whatever. Also, if the episode was going to be called “Queenslayer,” why the fuck wasn’t it Jaime fulfilling the valonqar prophecy, another thing they forgot about, and killing Cersei, at great personal grief/cost, to once more stop an insane monarch from burning down King’s Landing? But that, of course, would be actual character development/overall arc, and they preferred to also trash that by having Jaime “killed Aerys Targaryen literally to save half a million innocent people and lived with his reputation being destroyed ever after” Lannister unironically claim that he never cared about the lives of the innocent and only wanted Cersei. After she again tried to kill him and Tyrion like three days ago, not even to mention what they did to Brienne and with that whole arc, but I will have a ragestroke if I think about it too much.

Basically, the ending wasn’t “bittersweet.” It was tragic, reductionist, ham-handed, hugely disappointing for everyone who put years of investment into these characters, and ended up in the amusing position of making Bran Stark the younger and more beautiful queen who comes to cast Cersei down. He became king because… reasons? Whatever? And he knows literally everything about everyone thanks to being the Three-Eyed Raven, so there’s no way that can go horribly wrong. He has basically done nothing except sit in a wheelchair and look creepy for several years now, his arc has never been remotely about being king, and Isaac Hempstead-Wright himself is apparently on record as saying he genuinely thought it was a joke script when he read it. This after both Emilia Clarke and Kit Harington broke down over learning what happened to their characters/Kit apparently realized it for the first time at the read-through and was horrified. Emilia already talked about wandering for five hours and having a crisis and calling her mom and asking to be talked off the ledge like….. fictional choices/characters completely aside, that’s a gross thing to do to your actors. I know they’re all proud of their work and they have apparently and understandably been defensive about the existence of the petition to rewrite s8, but they’ve all been pretty clear, while still being professional and supportive, that there is stuff that they’re just as much WTF about as we are.

Basically, as everyone keeps saying, the acting, cinematography, visual effects, music, etc was clearly up to as high a standard as ever, but was betrayed fundamentally and comprehensively by this god-awfully shit writing by a couple of hacks who clearly rushed the final season to get on to ruining working on Star Wars. They have also been on record about saying “you can’t do what the audience expects or it’ll get boring blah blah blah,” which is a profoundly flawed storytelling strategy if you’re paranoid and trying to outsmart your audience and do something that nobody has ever thought of because you’re an Intellectual Postmodern Commentator On Our Violent Society. If your audience can guess where a story is going, but are still surprised by major twists along the way that then make sense in hindsight, you’ve done your job. If you’re relying on grimdark and cramming in gimmicky plot twists and deus ex machinas and Shocking Moments rather than authentically developing your story, it’s going to bite you in the ass in a big way, as was just proven.

Nobody expected a completely happy ending from GoT. But the fact that they went to such lengths, especially in s8, to build up characters/ships (Jonerys, Braime, Gendrya were all torched after major canon moments completely unexpected by fans, especially the latter two – why even include it unless to just be more Tragique, and Gendrya is the only one that has even a chance in the future since half of it didn’t end up idiotically dead) and then just wrecked all of it…. as I’ve said, good endings don’t need to be rainbows and unicorns and kittens. But if you’ve asked eight years of audience investment, there has to be something that makes it worth it and that doesn’t make everyone feel like they were duped and stupid to get involved in the first place. They have been beating the “it’s a hard world and bad things happen to the characters” drum for all they’re worth, but… it’s just bad. You can analyse and ask why the hell they did things and so forth, but it’s bad. At this rate, the show should have either ended after 8x03, or they should have taken the money HBO offered and done the proper 10 episodes and let Bryan Cogman write all of them. He was the only one who appeared to remotely give a shit about the characters, and since D&D wrote the last four episodes themselves, yeah, this disaster is on them.

Fortunately, I left the show years ago and have TNR and am used to ignoring their version of things. And I knew all along that they never really got the characters or the story. But I feel really bad for everyone who has had this thrown back in their face, and it seems like a communal disenchantment with this ending is going to enter the pop-culture consciousness on a possibly unprecedented level. So if GRRM does do the Mad Queen Dany killed by Jon in the books (though he has apparently called the show’s ending “traumatic”), I’ll probably still not like it. He has a chance to sell me it on/justify it to me narratively, which the show categorically failed to do. I don’t think I will, just because as I said, I don’t like anything about it, but yes.

Anyway. This is a long post already, and I probably have more to say still, but it’s pretty obvious I think it’s just really, really bad, and that’s about the essence of it.

#got #got spoilers #got critical #anonymous #ask

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theroastedpoosqueery-blog · 6 years

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On johann and tenma dynamic or something

((@jyuanka so yea i wanted to bounce back on what you were saying but its so long i figured i should make a new post lmao ))

There are so many interesting characters in monster (eva being maybe the first one), but the dynamic between tenma and johann is really whats does the deal for me. Their relationship is what builds the plot, like two poles of a battery that supports the entire story ! and they only met four times !! i love that its so unclear why both of them are so intent on having the other in their line of sight, like their obsession with each other is never really explained and we can only have so many speculations. Since its monster, it cant be something like ‘good tenma absolutely want to destroy johann for world peace”/ “evil johann absolutely want to destroy tenma because hes…evil”.

(you said you wanted to yell about monster so uh im taking advantage of it lol)

For tenma, we first think that all of this it is to prove his innocence. But the narrative voice shows us several times that this is not the case (grimmer who tells him that he should not go so far just to get his name cleared -> close-up on tenma’s face that darkens and tenma who doesnt answer = tenma does not do that to prove his innocence, theres something else). And frankly who would go that far just for that? Tenma realizes very quickly that destroying johan is,,,more than complicated and that he could lost his life at any point. He could go to a remote part of another continent and rebuild a career as a doctor there, under a new identity, if he wanted to (maybe johann wouldnt let him, but the obsession johann has for tenma is something that the latter understood at the end so he wouldnt know that at the beginning of the series). Nor is it because he has a savior syndrome and he absolutely wants to protect people (orrr well a little lol), because tenma doesnt seem to be interested in politics or in social justice at the beginning of the series. What i mean is that, like everyone, he knows that the world is unfair and that folks are dying because of horrible situations and horrible people (idk like because of the mafia, because of capitalists, because of fascists, because of human trafficking, etc). Like, everyone knows that, and some of us react and actually do things like direct actions, lobbies, associations, politics, or even just talk about it. But Tenma really doesnt seem to be that moved or concerned, hes more the type to be like “whatever. Dont see ? hasnt happened”. Yet when he realizes that its johan who does these things, suddenly it becomes his personal business. Like people always say tenma is the “absolute good” and i really, really disagree.

He has spent his life obeying orders from despotic leaders without ever questioning himself once. He was going to marry a girl who told him that all lives are not equal, ffs! yea she says this when tenma began to think that maybe, maybe, theres something wrong with all this so this sentence shocked him. But you cant tell me that the highly horrible personality of eva is something he wasnt aware of before ! and he was alright with that, because then by marrying her he would secure a brilliant career. He saves a rich person instead of a poor turkish husband, and he have to see his crying widow who tries to punch him to realize that maybe what he did wasnt really okay. And he was past his thirties, so its not a question of “the poor baby didnt knew there was inequality in the world and what he was doing was not nice ! “. He knew, and he chose again and again, for most of his life, to please a corrupt man to promote his career and have a good and safe life. So for me tenma is so, so problematic ! Because Tenma is the sort of man who sees what is wrong, but who chooses not to do anything against it. isnt this kind of people the worst ?? and thats why i love him ! and thats why his radical evolution caused by johann (when he saves the boy, then when he chooses to kill him), is so intriguing.

So yea tenma dont want to destroy johann just so people will be safe or for world peace or wtv BS -because he spent most of his life not caring about that, or caring but not to the point of getting personally involved. I think little johann is what triggers tenma to do something for the first time of his life. He goes from the guy who sees what is wrong but who doesnt feel like he can react so he just goes with the flow and become as horrible as everyone else, making him worse because he knows thats wrong -> to the guy who chooses, to the guy with an agency who decides to react. Little johan makes tenma becoming a person, its his trigger to personhood. And thats why, after his first encounter with johann, tenma become so different. Imo, the real monster is tenma in the beginning of the series - and johann makes him someone who uses his agency, he renders him human !

So 9 years later, when tenma finds out that the trigger of his humanity is actually the very negation of what is human, it goes ‘bam’ in his brain. We can understand why ! During this 9 years, he had the time to inhabit his new role of “a person with an agency” - he seems so calm, so confident and happy. Hes not the guy who knew that everything was wrong but just followed orders and closed his eyes anymore, he has a personhood and uses his newfound humanity to make the world a better place. He has a sense of purpose and realizes what it is that life is worth living (okay im projecting here lmao). Above all, he thinks that the choice he made (to become a person) is ultimately absolutely good. But then he meet johan for a second time, and actually realizes -wait, so me becoming a person can causes bad things ? was i wrong ? should i have stayed how i was before ?

And then we enter what is the core of Monster : we just follow someone who struggles to define what is being human. Before, like i said, tenma wasnt using his personhood. After johann triggers him to become a person, he basically lives a morally ideal life -save people, be a good person, no headaches of ‘what should i do’. The people who could have forced him to make actual difficult choices (his corrupt chief ) were conveniently dead. Then he met adult-johan, and bam ! so many contradictions. suddenly the answer is not that clear anymore. Then he realizes than with personhood comes the obligation to make dubious moral choices. Because for each choice we make, there are negatives consequences and positives ones, and we have to judge when the positives outcomes prevails on the negatives ones without ever being sure. And i think tenma chasing johan is him refusing this existing situation, is him trying to run away from the negatives consequences of becoming a person. Its him on a quest to know if getting access to personhood is absolutely good, a quest to know if his reason of living is legitimate. He cant think that there are not absolutely good choice, that sometimes the good choice can be to kill someone - or to save them, depending on the situation. There isnt absolute anymore : no real monsters, no real good person. We’re just human who struggles to do what we can. Once you have an agency, you have to take decisions. So for tenma, who basically have never taken decisions to construct himself as a person, his johann-hunting is basically that : hes chasing after his own definition of humanity. Whether he would have choose to kill johan or not, at the end, the manga completed the mission : theres no good choice, only choice you think are the best at one point. If he had chosen to kill johan, he would have chosen to kill someone ; if he had chosen to not kill him, he would have chosen to let someone else die. Whats better ? I am not sure. Personally, i think that if i could kill certain people i would do it, while knowing that this people are humans like me, just raised in different circumstances, because my ideas and my buddies’ lives are worth more than the life of the ones who threatens us : thats my answer of humanity. We alas dont get to see tenma’s answer… but anw. Thats my personal interpretation of what johann makes tenma do lol.

For Johann, the reason for his obsession with tenma is even less clear for me. Why johann wants tenma to understand him, to see him, so badly ? What makes tenma so special ? Johan seems to have a daddy complex, because tenma not the first middle-age man to have the dubious pleasure to be the object of johan desire to show “his” world to someone else. General wolf and schuwald both had to loose everything that was dear to them until they only have johann who then betray them deeply. But these two dont seem to catch the “scenery of the doomsday” so dear to johann ; and yet johann appears to be convinced that tenma can (and so that tenma is the one who should kill him). Why is that ? Why tenma is so different than wolfe and schuwald ?

I have numerous ideas but not one that convinced me too much. The first one would be how their first encounter resonates with them both and had the same effect of ‘triggering their humanity’. I already explained why i think johann is tenma’s personhood trigger. I also think tenma is johann’ trigger to humanity. Its kind of simple : tenma is the first one to show him that human could be good. Tenma saves him and risk his career without ulterior motives (or at least material motives, because like i said there were many philosophical and psychological stakes for tenma). For johann, who never knew that humans could be like that because his childhood environment was kind of,,not good, and who is still young enough to be impressionable, it could be enough to be interested in what tenma has to offer if he were to play with him. That plus the fact that he has deep parental issues and tenma is, like he said, a “second father” to him, so maybe he acts like a child would with his dad (in his twisted way), or rather with his god -tenma who creates him, tenma who destroys him. But i think its too emotional for johann.

Other idea : johann, being this prodigy, understand exactly what is tenma situation while saving him and his philosophical questions -lets keep in mind that tenma talks to johan often whil the boy is in a coma. He understands that tenma chooses ultimately *personhood* over everything that could make his life easy. And tenma’s answer is exactly the opposite of johann's way of seeing life, since johann chooses again and again to negate humanity. So he wants to destroy tenma’s philosophy, destroy tenma sense of what is being human : he creates the perfect life for tenma, wait for tenma to be really at ease with his situation, then slowly destroy everything until tenma would be forced to recognize the superiority of johann’ response. I really think johann is prepared to die just to win his mind game with tenma lmao, he’s that much of a sore loser.

Other theory, who dont necessarily conflicts with the others ones, its that johann didnt plan to make tenma this important in his life. He at first intended to do to tenma the same thing he had done to schuwald and wolfe, with maybe more sentiments knowing tenma was his second father and everything. But what changed his plan was tenma reactions. I dont think johann thought that tenma will go all lone ranger in the arizona forest to train to become a killer spy lmao, and when he saw that, he was like ‘oh funny’ (lets keep in mind that during the first half of the series, while he still thinks he was the one in the red rose mansion, johann is basically just playing a nihilistic game and dont put that much valor into anything). Maybe he became attached to him (whatever sort of attachment you headcanon), which was kind of a novelty to him since he didnt have any feelings toward anyone until then -his sister was himself and he was his sister, i dont think johann ever understand that nina was her own person until the end so feelings toward his sister doesnt count- and he was unsettled enough to want to keep tenma at hand. Like each time i see the schuwald arc im lmfao, when johan is all like little devilish smiles and sidelong glances each time he knows (how? no idea, he must have super powers at this point really) tenma is watching him like how much of an act it is ?? theres no reason for johann to do this ‘hihi cant catch me hellooo ;D ;D’ except being a drama queen. Which he is. so yea i cant help but wonder why he is acting this funny towards tenma lol

Or maybe johann never succeeded in negating his own humanity and ultimately couldnt bear to truly erase his own existence at the end, so he wanted someone to remember him to have a chance to live at least once -because johann understood that what makes us be is to make other people witness your existence. Tenma was the ideal candidate he stumbled upon -his sister being out of play since she was himself so not a true external witness and everyone else being too,, afraid of him or too under his charm to do anything.

AAAh so many ideas !! what is sure is that tenma is johann most important person and conversely. And since they met so infrequently the fandom has a highway to imagine other interactions. please people imagine other johan/tenma interactions. please im dying i dont understand these russian fics at all

So anyway sorry for this loooong ass post that nobody is going to read !! i just,,,,,,,,,,love monster,,,,,,,,,so much

#naoki urasawa's monster #johan liebert #kenzou tenma #naoki urasawa's monster meta #johan liebheart

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scummanifesta · 6 years

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A letter to my rapist One I finally sent

Please, just read this with an open mind. I preface this by saying I’ll do my best to not be accusatory and keep to the objective truths as much as possible. Its odd. This isnt being written to you really. I wouldnt deign to act as if I know your present self, as I too am but a modicum of such past adolescence. But the goal here really, for me, is to lay those demons to rest. Its a funny phrase if you think about it. Demons dont need rest, thats not their purpose. They live needing restitution that will never come, they cannot rest. But we are not proverbial or, despite our mutual distaste, demonic. We are, just ever so slightly, more than spiritual. We re the physical, with which one can reason, be critical, deductive, and logical. Demons are the antithesis to the spiritual and physical: people. They’re not lurking around us, thwarting attempts at peace, forming obstacles. They’re within us, living, and therefore cannot truly rest until the final hour. So, for the sake of this argument, lets say that demons dont rest but move on, transform, as people do over time. But what never changes is the past. It is unable to. The inability to change…that is truly demonic. And so, the purpose of this correspondence is not to invoke such things, but to allow what has been arrested an opportunity to change.

When you wiki coercive sex it says this article pertains to non-human animals. For sexual coercion among humans see Rape. Even if you read on for non-humas its defined as the use of violence, threats, harassment and other tactics to help the, forcefully copulate. I wish I could convey the true havoc going through that, as long as it lasted, has unleashed on every aspect of my life and womanhood. The physical pain is haunting. There are now parts of me I cannot let be touched, in the most intimate and private moments. There are pains in places I begged you no to touch.There is no rest for you in the darkest parts of my mind. I cant escape the nightmares. Replaying all the times I just went numb and succumbed to what you took. When I dream, I feel the weight of you on my chest. Its been so embarrassing and humiliating to repeat and relive the details of you forcing me to take what you needed so badly to put on my face. Despite all my no’s, refusals, and pleading you still got what you wanted. Every time. For so long, I was forced in the name of love. An oxymoronic claim, because, as I have said before, that is not love. In those moments and in those actions, love did not reside. Ripping my clothes, hiding them, controlling what I wore, the intimidation and threat of violence if I didnt comply. So many times I explained that I needed to recover and rebuild trust because of all the times it had been broken every time you did things I asked you so many times not to do. My trust in men, in people who want to love and care for me has been severed. And to pass the amount of fear and abuse I endured as “shaking me a couple of times”….is so wrong and inaccurate. When hands should never have touched me out of anger in any way, to begin with. What’s been diminished, so neatly, down to a few isolated incidents of frustration is an affront and has masked the true severity of the those actions. I truly believed, in my young mind, that harm would come to you if I stepped out of line or left in any way. You, the person I would have died for, that I was nearly willing to endure what were endless abuses for, that I sacrificed myself countless times for, was going to be harmed by my choice. And not just harm, absolute ruin, as I was reminded so many times. And look…like I knew then, it has become the opposite…you are not ruined, but at the time I guess, that wasnt clear at all. The things people do when theyre unsure and afraid...but I digress… So badly do I want the images and words to leave. If it were possible to forget my first love calling me a nigger and telling me to say I am one, in the most vulnerable state of intimacy. One, I chose to enter, where I should have been the most secure.

For a woman. An intelligent and sometimes too independent woman living proudly in her ethnic and gender identity, this has been profoundly damaging. I’ll always live with those traumas, fear trust, replay being thrown into a wall, scratched, grabbed, threatened with death. (which I implore you, for the sake of just sheer human decency, to not side with the notion that infidelity is worth a human life) My perspective of love is marred and i’ve spent years trying to forgive a dead version of a living person. A paradox I no longer wish to entertain…alone. But past versions of a person, the dead, cannot be sorry. Demons, that which we cannot change, cant apologize. The past cant be held responsible. But know that then and now, it drove me to such great madness, that it was beyond any capacity 21 years of life and 6 years in love could have ever afforded me. I take back nothing Ive had to do penance for, will gladly suppress my pride for what is objectively just, and demand nothing in return for the time its taken to read this. I only ask for acknowledgement and to live in the truth that these things happened. Not that you are your actions but just that they existed and were inflicted upon me. Many times over I was your victim, and it remapped an rewired my mind. My mind, which is known, is of the utmost importance to me. If any versions of you had ever loved any of mine, its not within reason to expect anyone, with any self esteem or self love, to endure that. That which was not love. Those abuses damaged me in ways I have not yet been able to repair. Setting aside blame, pain, anger, the raw emotions, the past…just…so far beyond all of that. I am a person. I was abused and I was raped and theres nothing I, you, or anyone else in this lifetime could have done to deserve that.

-mcer

#tw rape #domestic violence #i havent had one nightmare since i sent it #catharsis

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worldbestlawyers · 7 years

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New Post has been published on World Best Lawyers

New Post has been published on http://www.worldbestlawyers.com/re-applying-to-graduate-school-if-at-first-you-dont-succeed-try-try-again/

Re-Applying to Graduate School: If At First You Don't Succeed - Try, Try Again

If at first you don’t succeed, Should You Reapply to Graduate School Next Year?

This is a very nervous time of year. Around America -and, indeed, around the world- anxious eyes glance at their email accounts every few seconds, waiting to see if the school of their dreams has sent them a golden ticket to spend the upcoming years at their school or if, rather more cruelly, they send you that dreaded “we regret to inform you…” email.

Some people will have the wonderful problem of choosing between two or more stellar schools, others will happily settle for a good school, and others will glumly lament the schools that accepted them were not of the quality that they had hoped. Others, those unlucky few, will receive not a single acceptance letter. This blog post is for you.

Once you have taken the appropriate time to complain, curse, drink and cast voodoo hexes on the folks at the Harvard Admissions Office, you will be faced with a difficult decision: do I apply again next year?

Before I offer some advice, let me offer this bit of personal perspective. I am currently a Ph.D. student at Yale University’s History Department. If you will forgive my pridefulness, I will say that this is the best History program in the country, and is at one of the best and most competitive universities in the world. This might lead you to believe that I was a perfect candidate. Perhaps. After all, I received admission and full funding from Yale, Harvard, Columbia, Berkeley, UCLA and Stanford. But, four years before I applied to these same schools, and did not get a single admission. Had I become smarter in the intervening years? No, probably not. Had my grades and test scores improved? In fact, they had not. I did not even take the GRE again; I relied on my old test results. Here are some lessons that I learned from this experience that may help you as you think about this difficult choice of whether to apply again.

The first and most important lesson that I learned is that admissions is a fickle thing. Consider once again my own application to graduate schools. If you place any stock in rankings, you will see that I got into the #1, #2, #3, #4, #6 and #7 ranked programs in my discipline. BUT, I also got rejected by NYU, Michigan, University of Washington and Vanderbilt. Of these, only Michigan was ranked (#5). On its face, this may not make much sense, but for reasons that are perhaps impossible to decipher, schools have their own things that they look for, and for some of them I did not fit.

There is an enormous industry geared towards getting people into schools, but the fact is that you can really only do so much. There is always an element of chance and randomness to admissions. In fact, you might apply to the same programs two years in a row with the exact same application, and get admitted one year and rejected another year. In other words, if someone tells you that they know exactly how admissions works and that they can get you into School X, they are lying to you. Of course, there are things that you can do to improve your chances, but in the end, there is still an element of randomness to it.

Second, in the years after my applications got summarily rejected by every top school I applied to, I learned more about the process. For example, in my first round of applications, I did not bother to try to create a relationship with professors at the schools to which I was applying. I did not take as much care and time with my essays as I should have, and I did not talk explicitly with my recommenders about the theme and approach that I wanted my application package to have. I also did not spend enough time really making my writing sample perfect. These were all enormous mistakes. In a highly competitive program like Yale’s, the admissions committee is looking for reasons to eliminate a candidate. A few mistakes on a writing sample will do that. Also, not having a professor with whom you have already spoken who will speak up for your application will also hurt you. On my second go-around, I did all of these things correctly, and I more or less knew which schools I was getting into before I received the good news emails.

Third, in the intervening years, I made myself a stronger candidate. To be honest, after I got rejected from all of the graduate schools, I did not put much thought into reapplying. I falsely assumed that their rejection was a personal one, as though the school had said, “Brian we don’t want YOU.” Remember, a school really only rejects an application. If you bring it better and harder next time, you will perhaps fare better in the process. So, I went off to law school, had a series of interesting jobs, and became a better writer. So, next time around, when admissions looked at my resume, it was much more robust and compelling.

So, let us return to your own dilemma. You have an Inbox full of rejections, and, let’s be honest, it hurts to get rejected. Do you want to put yourself through that again? Here are the four things that you should consider.

One, what can you do between now and when you apply again to improve your resume? Are there jobs that you can get that will make your application more compelling? For example, if you are applying to science Ph.D. programs or medical schools, it would make sense to buttress your scientific bona fides by working in a research lab for a while. If you are applying for Political Science programs, volunteer for a campaign, work at a think tank, or take some other position that will show your commitment to a cause or subject and, incidentally, provide you with stories, successes and insight that you can put into your personal statement.

If test scores were an issue, do you think that you can improve them? If grades are an issue, can you enroll in a local college, take germane classes and raise your GPA? This process takes some honest assessment on your part. Talk to people in admissions if necessary and ask them what they want or are looking for. To be honest, some of things you’ll need to do may take longer than the 9-10 months you have before the next admissions cycle.

Two, what can you do to improve your application? Note, this is very different than your resume. Too many applicants make the mistake that having good grades, good test scores and a nice resume will get them into whatever school they choose. For many schools, it will be; for many, it will not. You neglect your personal statement, letters of recommendation and, if applicable, writing sample at your own peril. I will go into this further in future posts, but for now suffice it to say that an application needs to present a consistent and clear set of themes about who you are, what you will bring to the program and why they should admit you. So, if you did not spend hours and hours sweating over every word, semicolon and footnote in your writing sample, you can probably make it better. If you did not work hard to make sure that your writing sample and personal statement work in conjunction to tell the admissions committee who you are personally and intellectually, then you can probably do better.

If you have not done so already, take your personal statement and writing sample (and all other relevant documents) and show them to a few trusted advisors, mentors and friends and as them to tell you what they see is the problem. Putting pride of authorship aside, ask yourself, “how can I make these better?” If you feel that you can do better, this is something to consider.

Three, you should take into account the personal costs of continuing to pursue this dream. While studying for the Bar Exam, I met a man who was taking the test for the 11th time. I felt profoundly sad for this man, but I thought to myself, “friend, I don’t think you were meant to be a lawyer.” He had a family at home, and while he tried and tried to become a lawyer he did not pursue other options that might have put his family into a better position. There is a fine line between persistent and the quixotic pursuit of a dream that just won’t happen. If the costs of doing this over are just too high in terms of job, money, romantic life, family life or personal life, then perhaps it is time to set this dream aside, at least for now.

Four, and very much related to the above point, is that you need to really think about how badly you want it. If you just know, skin to marrow, that you are meant to pursue a graduate education, then you probably owe yourself at least one more real attempt. An excellent application might take 5-6 months to put together, it could require hundreds of hours perfecting your testing techniques, and it might even cost you a lot of money using services like EssayEdge.com or Gurufi.com to make your personal statement and writing sample perfect.

All these years later, I am glad that I applied again. I waited a few years to do it, but in the interim I became a better candidate and got better results. I know what it feels like to have your dreams shattered by a rejection letter… or six. But I also know how wonderful it feels to get into the program of your dreams. So, my final piece of advice is that if you don’t think it is worth it to apply again, then best of luck to you. Find your passion, and live it. On the other hand, if you want to get into the school of your dreams, you’ll have to fight for, and you’ll have to earn it.

#Custody Lawyer

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