#trying to get myself to not stress about writing so much

[orcelito]

OK I have 2k written for the lil trigun senses drabble. Contemplating posting it tonight. Not like me to write smth and then post it literally the night after, but this is meant to be a low effort kind of thing anyways. Shaking off the rust & all that business

#speculation nation #trying to get myself to not stress about writing so much #discacc updates are so much pressure bc Hundreds of people get emails for every little update #so i gotta make it Count. cant be anything less than perfect. #for this tho. i have next to no readership in trigun fandom. MAYBE a few mutuals. #im not posting this for recognition. im posting it for the fun of it #and bc some people Maybe would enjoy reading a mini exploration of Vash's whole Deal #who knows! it's only 2k words. practically miniscule for me #but it's a natural cutoff for this focus. and next focus will be.. smell probably #sound smell taste sight touch. is the order im thinking of. #one chapter focusing on each. & how it's different from that of a normal person's #and of course it's vashwood. of Course. not that theyre very uhhh buddy buddy rn with the first chapter #i have it set a few days after the rollo stuff. they are not very happy with one another lol #maybe will post. if not today then tomorrow. idk i just wanna post Something. #tho i gotta do homework tonight 😭😭😭 ugh

[fourthclone]

i got two replies out , woo . now i'm going to sleep .

#⚡ ⸺ ❝ moghome . [ ooc ] #just kind of. want to clarify i'll still pop in here to reply to stuff #i'm not burnt out on muse soasmuch as i am just #discouraged and uncomfortable #and unsure of what to do #i don't rly. want to steep myself further rn in theory talk anymore than i have or focus on trying to figure roche out. #i've spent too much time and energy on that and tbqh? the more i stress about whether or not square makes him an interesting chara or w/e #the less i want to write roche so i'm just. not gonna bother. lmk if you want to try out any potential avenues concerning my theories #and whatnot #i'll be operating on a strictly au basis so like. assume everything on this blog is bullshit for now #and ig if i don't like what they do w roche in part 3 i'll likely drop him as a muse #i'm not going to waste my time and energy wallowing on omg!!! they didn't give this character his due!! #i'm so tired of muses i write being done dirty man. i just expect it by this point and the less attached i get to it all the better #it just happens way too often so i just gotta. stop thinking so much and having another muse to focus on will help w that #i think i've reached the pt where i'm tired of 'fixing' characters. so i'm not gonna do it

[sabraeal]

1000 Followers Update!

Due to some super fun chronic health shenanigans, the posting for the 1000 Followers Celebration is being postponed a month! Posting will start on 2/2 with to all the ghost still standing in this room, and continue as previously planned from there. Thank you guys for bearing with me-- I struggled with the idea of even postponing for a week, but it became very clear on Monday that I would not be able to catch up with the schedule unless I took an extended break to recover. Can't wait to show you guys what I've got up my sleeve!

#1000 followers #i don't talk much about my illness struggles on here because without a word count limit #i would absolutely write myself into a terrible spiral talking about some of the very recent setbacks #but I do weekly goals up on twitter and I often talk about what's going on there #so it's only fair that i explain a bit in some tag chatter where i have to stay on task #to start: i'm fine and I'm going to be quick to recover now that i've gotten my meds #but due to all sorts of insurance bullshittery that has occurred since september/october #my last three infusions have been over a week late. two of them have been nearly two weeks or over #and coupled with a particularly nasty stomach bug + christmas stress #i ended up with extremely bad exhaustion and brain fog #and on monday finally flared #thankfully i was able to move my infusion up a day so I only had to wait until wednesday #and me and my husband had planned that I would be out of commission for the 10 days my meds were overdue #so I just had to triage my commitments and lay low until they could get me what i needed #it's been two days and i'm doing much much better. back to a place where I can actually write #probably at a better place than i have been since the beginning of December since today I nearly blew through 1K without even trying #but it's been 2-3 weeks of barely being able to scratch out what i consider my minimum #and then a week and change of not being able to even READ without it overwhelming me #so i finally had to face the music of: not only can I NOT do this on time but I need fully shift it #so that I can work without stressing myself or my limits #i am a rat gnawing at the bars of my little rat cage over it but it is what it is #tldr; i'm here i'm fine i just have to accept my human limitations and i don't like it

[mint-corset]

I feel violence in my very bones this evening.

#I'm angry and I'm tired of trying to destress in my own way WHICH HARMS NO ONE MIND YOU #and instead I get treated like I'm a babbling retard worrying about nothing #you don't get to decide that for me #What you claim is me stressing over nothing is me actively FORCING myself to face something to relax long term #I have severe anxiety over money because of being poor most of my life so my relaxation is literally writing down every fucking expense #all of them for the month #and seeing how much money I make #I am trying to coordinate with Tim and he just doesn't get it #he'll say things to make me not worry about it and when I try to explain he isn't helping by giving me words #instead of numbers he just keeps going with how what he says is him trying to relax me #Am I talking to a goddamn brick wall #I'm trying to do the thing where you talk to your partner and it isn't fucking working and I just want to break things so fucking bad #but I can be good I will not break things I will not self harm to relieve stress the unhealthy way I will sit and sew my fucking skirt

[m0onjellies]

I have a week and a half of finals left and I am not making it through y’all 🙏

#I js finished my aps on Monday and ap studying is a whole different kind of beast #and so were finals last year #this year finals are light as fuck and that means I will not be studying much this week cuz I cannot get myself to take this shit seriously #like Monday? hell. ap gov and apah on one day #I had to cover 40 percent of apah on my own in the weekend before the exam cuz the teacher didn’t 😭 #I also still had to review for gov #so I was spending like 18-20 hours a day on studying for those classes last weekend #and then taking the tests were fun but also horrible experiences #cuz of all the fucking writing #l got to near 20 pages of writing that day #and now I’m spending like an hour and a half max reviewing for anything #I have a final tomorrow and I’m so unserious about it #the only kinda stressful thing is Spanish and bio both being next Thursday #and ig math on Monday #but they’re still pretty light cuz I hv so much time to study #when we don’t hv tests it’s all study hall #so I’m just sitting in a room for 5 hrs working during school #and that’s more than enough time for those exams #like I just have to do 80ish practice problems and make flashcards for Spanish everyday until Sunday #and then I’m gonna check my math study guide on Sunday #and then continue studying Spanish flashcards every day leading up to next Thursday #other than that I have to make lang flashcards and study a bit for lang (prob like 2ish hours) next Monday #and like 6-7 hours of studying bio #like this is not that bad??? #and I’m so excited for summer!!! #I alr have so many things prepped I wanna do!! #imma try to read for 24 hrs straight & draw more & get back into printmaking & do an internship & work on speech and debate #& volunteer at a library with my friends & study for next yr & learn to knit/crochet #& listen to music more & get back into piano fr & exercise #ares.txt

[todayisafridaynight]

I know you feel like your fics aren’t good enough but i genuinely love your works so much!!!

thank you !! i haven't posted anything in forever, so i'm happy to hear you enjoyed my stuff 🤧🤧

#snap chats #i dont mEAN to dog on my writing every chance i get to its a force of habit at this point vjaREJEKLRJ #it does mean a lot hearin people like my writing cause i am Ridiculously hard on myself about it velrkjalkj #im trying to stop i promise 1.) it irritatin 2.) i at least wanna TRY improving (in my eyes) instead of complainin all the time #in any case. .. thank you :] #writings just so much harder than drawing . in my opinion . #like with drawing i can SEE if anything's wrong and it's not as effortful for me to adjust but with writing ... #i gotta like. scan the entire thing to see if theres something wrong with a part f the story earlier or it's just phrasing or #like there's just a lot more variables that makes me need more time to look over and thats FINE but #its easy to understand why i stress over writin more and spend more time with it 💀 AND THEN EVEN AFTERWARDS #ILL THINK OF HOW I PHRASED SOMETHING OR SOMETHIGN I LEFT OUT AND IM LKE 'FUCK' #oh well .... im complaining again 💀 ima just go back to my canvas lol ........

[tvrningout-a]

gonna be honest, the sheer amount of drafts i have makes me want to perish and thus even entering my drafts inspires the urge to run away immediately ASDFGFD

#NGL THIS IS WHY I'VE BEEN CONCENTRATING ON MEMES #the idea of scrolling through all of my drafts rn makes me want to actually close my laptop oh man #i wish there was a mass delete button so i could just reset the whole thing and simply ask which threads y'all wanted to keep #bc if i try to go through and delete stuff myself i think i'll struggle a lot with keeping and tossing #i'm very bad about 'well i don't have muse now but i wanna see how it turns out so badly!!' #memes piling up doesn't stress me out as much bc most are quick blurbs with unprompted asks sprinkled in #and those are much quicker to scroll through and just?? i dunno easier to find muse for sometimes #but i wanna write consistent threads very badly y'all i wanna go 'AAAAHHH' bc of what our muses are getting up to!! #my brain is being so mean rn she needs to get it together #get ready to ramble | ooc

[persimminwrites]

i wanna go back to the days where i wrote chapters and oneshots that were less than 1-2k words

#screaming crying shouting #i just started writing the horror story after planning everything out (bc i have learned from my mistakes) #and im only halfway through my notes for chapter 1 and ive written 4k words and i dont know hOW #i think i just get upset and frustrated bc longer projects stress me out for a couple of reasons #and i was trying to keep this story to around 6 chapters and i dont know if i can do that if my word count continues at this rate sdkjfnsdj #longer stories stress me out bc im always worried about losing the thread of the story and it turning into something meandering #and i worry that it will become less engaging and no one will like it or want to read it and it will be BAD #and also im very much someone who just wants to get to the end of the story whether im reading or watching something or writing it myself #which is why i binge all media immediately but when its my writing and i realize its going to take a while to finish in my head i go #'OH NO' #bc im so scared that im going to lose motivation and not finish the story and that is also a huge fear for me bc then #i wont be able to move onto the next project bc ill hate myself for abandoning another and UGH #in reality this is not a big deal but i wanted to whine bc all ive written is setup and i want to get to the spooky #my need for immediate gratification strikes again #writing #min says

[pirateborn-a]

once again arguing with my sister about the egg on the oro jackson and rat shaking--

#[ ooc ] ✧〖 bid farewell to weaver’s town 〗 #[ one of the like. #[ only things i have absolutely no clue about #[ is it a room? is it an actual egg? #[ why did they have an egg? #[ what happened to it after roger left to die? #[ sincerely i rat shake it so much #[ sfdlkjsdflkds lies down #[ also hii hi hello dljksd #[ sorry for lack of replies pensive want to write but #[ this month has been one of my worst in terms of the mental space in a Long time sdfjkldss #[ am alright though just mostly making things tough in terms of replies whether ic/ooc determined to write more though #[ will probably force myself to try n get less stressed ab it once i get some other things done but rat shaking #tbd.

[sunshine-in-a-bottle]

Thanks to Stroob tho my demons aren't rotting me from the inside anymore. I'm still gonna get them out in the tags because the rot always comes back but like, my ribs aren't fucking disintegrating anymore, so thank u, you demonic fruit

#ok so im fucking. i feel fucking. aaaa so messed up about cGogy because on one hand. he makes me bitter #for a number of reasons #on the other hand i feel really fucking bad about being bitter. its a painful upset from which there is no reprieve #because i like cGeorge when i write him and in certain fics i find. but so much of it just adds to the Rot #and it eats me up inside because i have. no fucking clue if my problem with his character is like. Valid #or if its just personal issues made paper flesh #everyone else seems to like him just fine. he's a sweet little meow meow. whats wrong with me #i dunno whenever i get too messed up about it i just write for him #as if in some fucked up sort of apology #i dont even know how to begin to explain. theres no one to talk about it with #i feel like the fucking flower lung disease. hacking up petals trying to contain the intensity of the emotion #fuck this is stressful. theyre just characters why do i feel so bad about it #projection. thats the word. projecting. is my character interpretation correct or am i doing that #does it matter? i feel like it matters. i dont want to dislike a character for the wrong reasons #i dont want to dislike anyone at all really. makes me feel sad. #Im writing him right now cuddling with Dream. trying to fix it. its sortve working #doesnt make the feeling go away completely. but im happy for a while i guess #blah. tldr i dont like certain aspects of cGogy and it makes me feel like a bad person because i suspect its projection #and everyone else is fine with him so it probably is and im just a little silly #and if i cant trust myself to be impartial with him can i trust any of my interpretations at all? #will my writing suffer because of this? #jesus i need to lay down #Suds Soapbox #<== tagged post-laydown in case I need to find this post again for some godforsaken reason

[bipidin]

Decisions decisions and all of them are giving me a heart attack

#so i have 2300 dollars in my saving rn #and I will owe the school 2800 dollars just about for this upcoming semester #BUT #i want an ipad for notes #bc i have been taking my notes digitally for the past year on my laptop but my laptop decided halfway through the last semester #that it did not like being used as a notebook and now gives me so many headaches with the pen(s) #also it was hard when i was watching lectures to take notes and i prefer digital only bc of how versetaille it is #paper feels so permanant that i become nervous about writing something down bc what if it messes up the flow?but i can lasso shit digitaly #so much less stress and just i fell in love with that - plus cs major im going to snip diagrams/algo codes/flow charts and annotate them #bc help me lord copying that shit down is a nightmare while trying to listen to the actual important stuff #ANYWAY #money #bc that means i wipe out the savings I just built and im just gonna be sad for another year bc i wont be able to afford some nice things #the concert i wanted to see will also be way iut of my budget #im scared of accidently impulse buying - im aware this is a purchase that i've been thinking about since feb/mar #but what if im lying to myself and i dont need it and i regret it - what if i regret not getting it now with the 100 gift card promo #that way the pen is more affordable #even if i dont need it too much this sem im planning a harder next sem #how will i afford the next sem? #thats like 800 dollars an ipad air with case and screen protector and pen - can i deal with messy paper notes? #(no that will give me anxiety - paper notes have to be neat and pretty -> its permanent) #but this IS a want #i shouldnt do it #but i want to #i think im just trying to justify a frivolous expense #but i really cant take digital notes on my laptop anymore #i just scribbled a budget for 20 min and the amount of times the pen would freeze or skip was drving me insane #and by nice things i mean skipping meals with friends(they eat expensive for me)/clothes i will prob need to budget around #small happy things to give me a boost

[mondscheinprinzessin]

.

#just need to vent this feel free to ignore #my exam is on monday and while I did feel prepared just last week now I'm feeling so nauseous just thinking about it #that I want to ignore it away #I know the only solution is to keep studying but just looking at the papers makes me so anxious #god my therapist needs to give me the best peptalk of the world tomorrow so I can do this #I will not sleep at all on Sunday I know it #and I know this has been my biggest stress point the last few years #so just going to uni to write this exam would be a huge accomplishment for me but it's affecting me so badly #this morning I looked at my arm because I had the memory of hurting myself but there was nothing? and I stared at it- #-until I remembered I had just dreamed it last night #but it was so vivid and it happened exactly the same as I always did it in the past that it scared me so much #that my brain just wants that again ugh #so I have to tell that to my therapist too and it feels like such a step backwards and I don't want to try in ther office and-- #I need to scream into a pillow #*cry in her office #anyways #this day can only get better I hope

[noxtivagus]

i get distracted so easily but i promise i'll get more done ! eventually aaaa 🫶🏼

#🌙.rambles #i find it so amusing how wnvr i have a new interest i always get into it so deeply #a week ago i listened to sm architects songs n searched up sm lyrics n read articles too n now this week it's #switched to the 1975 n i'm listening to sm of their songs too n reading even more articles n watching stuff n YEAH N #oh dear. i shld be doing my assignments due like 24 hours from now n they're easy n i'm nearly done #that's the thing i'm srs nearly done but i keep on getting distracted 😭 n then other stuff too i wna do but forget hflkasdjfd #can't blame me though bcs isn't there just so much to life? n other than all these responsibilities n. survival i suppose. in this society #i just want to live n. learn everything. understand as much as i can and be understood. #be at peace w all the contradictions in life.. 'always' is never possible but i do know i'll endlessly keep on going on until my end #sorry. that doesn't really make sense i just contradicted myself 💀 theres rlly just sm n. it's weird bcs.. i've rlly known extremes so well #like w apollo i have a twin i know how it is to have. such a deep and close relationship with another person. we're like #familial soulmates fr so ik how to direct my energy so.. yk yeah so IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN BUT #maybe a better comparison is. yk when i love something i'm super passionate about it. obvious i have phases here n then but #i have. a wide range of interests but. arghhh no not quite that as well. so.. the range n that intensity? coexisting? #n it's overwhelming often bcs it's too much. n in the past trying to do more than i could rlly drained me like. sm at the same time #but then yk that time for me where i mostly just played ffxiv. uh. help i don't know how to say it n then i forgot what i was gna write #ah. it's just a lot. i really can't write it enough. such is one of the limits of being human #but.. the strong thought i have of how these stuff make more important things more meaningful is just #at the same time there's. another thought that battles it w a similar intensity. n i feel too deeply i think too much of it #but if you were to ask me how i was doing right now i'd say. perhaps stressed yes but i'm doing alright right now. actually maybe not #HELP NO I'M NOT DOING THIS ANYMORE I'M CONFUSING MYSELF W MY OWN WORDS 😭 dw tho i am fine just rather frustrated with time #i want to do so much but yk i have these priorities that i need to do.. i mean. not really 'need'. but. #ah i just love thinking of how life is in relation to society n its people n then w. i forgot how to say it.. but yk. just the universe #it's so heavy thinking about these heavy things so often. the intense desire to understand n be understood.. #to learn and to be learned. or maybe these songs r making me think of how. there's just so much. in life n death n everything #there's so much i don't know n again n again i keep on saying that while there's so much i don't know in every single aspect #there's.. people that r specifically one of my greatest weaknesses w just how unpredictable we are. i love it though but at the same time #it's uh. yeah. thinking of time n the past n present n future n how it's filled with so much is something that i want to #i want to take all of it in but it's also so overwhelming n i'm just at odds with my own self rn but i'm fine #words aren't enough honestly. but i want to convey it somehow. so i'll do what is right for me. in time.

[straye]

just having one of my nonverbal spells. I’ll be back in a bit!

#do i dare disturb the universe? ∶ ( ooc. ) #I’m still around but I can’t get any words out let alone write much and it’s making me very. :/ so I’m not gonna force myself to like I’ve b #een trying. I’m genuinely losing sleep stressing about putting myself out there LOL

[raksh-writes]

Oof, the job hunting anxiety is real. I've barely resigned from my current job (first time for me, already stressful enough with the doubts and all) and now gotta start job hunting again for just the second time in my life and Im Stressed out of my mind, can barely focus and it's so damn counter productive 😩 Anyone has any tips? I know it'd probably be best to just-- suck it up and send those emails and applications and whatnot, but maybe there's something beside that? 🙈 Sending those out is about as stressing as the possible response and dealing with it all and my anxiety is having such a field trip with it, OOF

#personal #vent #getting a response is the point I know #and yet it stresses me out so much #guess it's just the fear of new and unknown #but damn is it not helping 😣 #really envy everyone who just Does it #like-- HOW?? pls share your secrets I beg you #Im trying to take it one step at a time for now #Ive tweak my cv and cover letter and drafted an email with some examples of my typesetting #Im trying to go the asking for internship route to maybe finally get into a career path I wanted to try since uni #since obv just emailing about a job when they're not looking is prob not a good route #then maybe an intership could work out #send one maybe later today if I can force myself to go through it #then keep sending to others if that doesn’t pan out #there's this one job offer to Ive been eyeing that seems okay so maybe I should write them too... #if Im planning and doing smth around it it helps but the moment I stop and try to go do smth else the anxiety flares so badly 😩😣 #gotta write my old therapist and ask if she's still doing that and if I could get an appointment with her... #ooooooooof #anxiety pls gimme a break I beg you

[thefunniestguy]

Martin Mertens ..................

#watxhing a video on how he explained his past w finn vs what really happened and #i used to think it was . easy enough to write off as amnesia #but ...... it is better to not #idk how to describe it . this guy does much better #but yea .. #hes a bad guy ithink ... and he was scared and probably ran instsad of facing consequences #he decided to try and forget . to not think about it .. cos i guess avoiding your problems means they must not exist /lh #mecore /j /j /j /j #no god please no im never comparing myself to him again #he didnf wanna talk to finn at first bc he was avoiding remembering . cos he may feel kinda bad but HEY its the past ! nothing ya can do ! #but in the visitor he kinda interacts w him seeming a BIT more interested in his son . until finn asks questions about the past #so martin gives a vague recollection . and takes things that really did happen .. jusf not exactly how they happened #more important or memorable things . finn was on a boat as a baby (not born but-) and martin did protect him from a tiger #but when it gets to talking about min then martin reallllyyyy doesnt wanna talk abojt it . it 'stresses him out' #cos the past is long gone . hes put up a mental barrier and borderline (if not outright) refuses to remember #because he LOVED min . i firmly believe Martin Mertens wouldn't have settled down and had a baby w a lady if he wasnt 100% on board w it #he loved her but panicked and was probably scared . what if min hated him . he lost their son thanks to his past actions (i tjink??) #so he reverted to what he knew . being a conman and absolute jerk #....... man #headache killing me but i had to write this out #if i didnt get one AT rant out i was gonna explode into a million pieces /j #tho im still willinf to rant more ..... probably will #but i. need to sleep #it is 2 am ......... i need to wake up at 9 .............. thats not too bad but ough . no fun #will probablt watxh more adventure time videos if i find any ........ #i will absolutely be taking a nap tomorrow woo yay yippee #sorry if this is unablw to be understood idek what im saying anymore #martin mertens guys . martin mertens