#trying to see how normal people live

[balkanradfem]

I've seen so many influencers buying things carelessly that I'm starting to get a dangerously twisted view of the world. So, a reality check, radfems, tell me whats your economic state of distress in a grocery store.

#poverty #food security #economic poll #radfem #grocery store #buying things #finances #economy #trying to see how normal people live #by normal I mean radfems #I'm in poverty but i rarely go to the store I am mostly making and growing stuff at this point

[kagoutiss]

pelican town, ‘72

#stardew valley #stardew valley spoilers #sdv #sdv spoilers #grandpa #mister qi #mr. qi #idk how dates work in stardew universe im just bullshittin #i love qi’s huge fucking eyebrows you dont notice them at first but theyre there #(gives our collective grandpa a ponytail) i think he had one. whatever #’why isnt mister qi blue’ my hc is he is blue from long-term iridium supplementation #and was originally just a regular person #but also it’s nice to see ur fav be like a normal human color #if u read tag essays tho consider this: #qi discovers secret to immortality (consuming iridium in a specific manner) #wants to share discovery with his farmer (player’s grandpa) and in that way. they will have all the time in the world to build #a perfect farming/business empire whose legacy will last forever and ever and theyll be 2gether forever #but it turns out. like a lot of normal people would. his farmer does not want to live forever #and obv he doesn’t #in an attempt to try not to ever lose the thing that means more to him than anything else in the world. qi inadvertantly ensures he will #because his farmer is dead. and he’s going to live forever #but. it’s kind of ok. because he has infinite money and was able to figure out how to talk to his dead bf #and now YOU help them fulfill their joint goal of making the farm’s legacy last forever #smile. heart #sobbing

[bells-of-black-sunday]

Big bull puppy-

I wanted to take a crack at how Tar's league verse would look pre-darkin / when he was ascended and brahman cows are my favorite breed of cattle so it's only natural for him to be one as well since they're a hot climate breed.

#ooc #/muns art #𝘕𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘋𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 - [ 𝘛𝘢𝘳𝘩𝘰𝘴 ] #verse; league #i love ritos world building; but i wish they'd just give us how normal people look instead of just 2/3 imgs per region? #i dont care about how they look when they're in combat; i want to see how the people that live in these regions look if that makes sense #but it made it particularly hard w/ Tar trying to figure out what patterns and jewelry they tend to wear oh well #he's still very pretty-

[wittyworm]

officially in my anarchy era i cant fuckin take this anymore lol

#i need medical care cause im spiraling baby and i keeo losing weight but at least i had fun dying my hair #my soul feels like its on fire my bones feel like theyre on fire but this pain doesnt compare to aaron bushnel #and that pain didnt compare to what the Palestinians are going through or any other fucking native yall dont see as living breathing people #im so angry the constant failures of the system the helplessness #trying to get shorty off the street and having blockade after blockade thrown at us #getting bitched at for calling ogf work because of my raging fever iv had it iv had it this country is stripping each and every person #of their autonomy and we are just supposed to pretend thats normal #we are supposed to point and laugh at the homeless look how they failed they deserve to be where they are. and so many of you believe that #like its truly evil behavior that can and likely will be YOU if we dont fight this shit #then you will be pointed at and laughed at no matter what fuckin race you are #im sick of my friends dying from shit they shouldnt #my soul is ignighted i am so so so angry

[merge-conflict]

wip wednesday

V took a step forward, putting her hand out and into his chest where his heart should have been. She didn’t bother meeting his eyes. They weren’t his eyes anyway. His eyes were her eyes now. The projection of him shimmered as she balled her hand into a fist, and for the first time she noticed the tattoo.

For one vertigo-inducing second he thought she was going to collapse, but she fell into a crouch instead, eyes clouding with tears as the water continued to pour over her shoulders. She traced the outline of the heart lightly with one finger, rubbing at the letters with her thumb as though checking to see if they would wash away. He couldn’t quite tell what she was feeling, unsure if he should be ready for her to fly into a rage or burst into tears.

“Can’t save everyone,” she said finally, exhausted.

<Can save one or two, every once in a while.>

#wip wednesday #thinking about how valentine has been in two secret work relationships with two different people #both whom love their job too much to risk it by acknowledging her openly #and johnny has their names tattooed on her for anyone to see. on what is rapidly becoming _their_ body #and he knows she wants him to take over when she's gone #he wants everyone to know but especially her to know he Does care #like yeah it's a joke but also. it's not. #trying to desperately get it through her thick head that she should live #ok ok i'm normal. i'm done

[end-orfino]

ahhhhhh i remember why i dont read comics & books and watch movies as much as I should. Because they make me lose it

#i get suddenly hit with a tsunami of inspiration and an urgency to Make Something #but the urgency isn't about the process of making it's about I Have Stories To Present Too. I have to See Them Realized. #and that hit of urgency is obviously far too short lived to make anything. esp since it comes in a set with a feeling of 'wow this- #-thing was so great' that transforms into intensified perfectionism of No No What Im Doing Here Isnt Good. What Is This. Disgrace- #-to my idea AND to what inspired it AND to my self proclaimed status as an amateur storyteller #which turns into artblock. so like low chances that ill even get a singular good drawing made during this #and the multiple comic or script or whatever ideas that appear in my head during this are out of the question entirely #oh and all of this appears next to the normal feelings caused by a good story like attachment to the characters and having to process it- #-for a while and if its very good then even sometimes rarely i get the need to make fanart #so all of this combined just leads to me not being able to do anything for a while and feeling awful about it. #fun./sar #i wish i was a normal artist people here are so resilient and do stuff even though they dont want to or they DO want to #because idk they enjoy being pissed bcs of a thing not turning out right and they dont mind how tedious it can get- #-and they enjoy sacrificing hours&days&months of their lives without a guarantee that anyone will appreciate it accordingly and itll pay of #its probably the resilience though #im weak like a dried twig both mentally and physically #this sounds like i never enjoyed drawing&writing ever. and to clarify thats far from true. i frequently enjoy it #just never frequently enough and consistently enough to actually make something more 'worthwhile' or linear #it's like a wind that comes & goes that i have no control over. #i try to keep telling myself that in the past i struggled to make anything 'bigger'....& know i even made animatic shitposts #this sounds so stupid god. an animatic shitpost being an achievement. #its not an art skill achievement its a fighting tooth and nail with my own self to actually finish it because its a struggle almost every- #-time achievement #what im saying is im trying to tell myself that i already improved. im doing more than i could have done in the past. #even if the process is so slow and i dont know when ill advance again #if ill advance again. i just gotta believe i guess? thank u parappa

[lunarharp]

wip thing...

of my bg3 avatar hellebore. i also did some casual nude studies of my 3 characters which i'll put under a cut... rather unlike me after all. (so WARNING for abrupt non-sexual full Artistic nudity lol...,,,,) (< won't be making a habit of this)

they mean the world to me

#bg3 spoilers #?? idk. gith look so..Emaciated. And long. i guess we don't eat on the astral plane :) anyway..well..too much to say..... #it is very very very depressing having to live in the Real World after that final playthrough meant so very much to me. #i normally feel Hope & suchlike after finishing a highly immersive emotional game..but it's too hard this time and it hurtsssss lol yippee #i appreciate bg3 very much for being a place where i could access the concept of nudity & such like in a way that finally felt comfortable. #bodies are inherently non-sexual. they just Are a Fact of Life. this game being NORMAL about nudity from the character creation screen #makes it possible for someone like me to actually have a chance at accessing sensuality in a way that feels comfortable from there. #dont feel like putting it into words further. im ace. just very grateful to this game. even despite the horrors i will never ever forget it #augoh..gugf.. want to go back. my friends & love are in there.....i'm supposed to just move on? in the real world??? THIS place???? UHH???? #my characters canonically look like that too!! i see them as intersex and not so much trans. They just look that way. #Diversity win!!! the people who enacted horrors upon you and are trying to kill you again respect your pronouns!!!! <3 #I FAILED HONOUR MODE IN THE STUPIDEST WAY POSSIBLE..ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED AN ITEM. MY LOVER TOUCHED SOME BLOOD-TOUCHED RAG ITEM @ THE CRECHE #AND MY PEOPLE MASSACRED US... YOU BELOVED PRAT. OF COURSE IT WOULD BE YOU AND IN THIS WAY #grateful for love triangle chaos...INTENSE EX DRAMA... IT HAD MAJOR REPURCUSSIONS THIS TIME...ohh so very much happened ohh my dear #truly don't know how to face the Real World now for real. I Don't Know. something has snapped. ive realised twt just makes me feel sad lol #if something in my spare time isn't at least half as fun as bg3....like.. it's not good enough. god we only have one wild and precious life #being Online makes me feel a loneliness so wretched and painful and horrible i really don't think this is the answer. #Why did you even start drawing in the first place? Why did you start this? #For real..the need to work this out and decide what on earth i'm going to do now has presented itself. Why try to get better..why be online #someone who has an imagination that can keep them so happy and fulfilled...has no business also feeling a loneliness as profound as this. #why was someone THIS introverted and withdrawn and anxious also cursed with such a restlessness? #What are you going to DO now? because hellebore and their lover are fine....... So what about you...? #hellebore..😭😭 AUUGHH!! I JUST WANT TO GO TO MY BED IN THE INN...PLAY ON MY VIOLIN THAT'S WHAT I'D DO!!!! i'd drink some ALE DAMNIT!!!!! #i was rereading My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness- the only time i've seen this level of emotional isolation depicted-and was grateful. #but then i read her latest book and now she has a debilitating substance abuse situation and it's upsetting. #I hope she finds what she was looking for. I hope we all make it. kind of wild that i dont do such major self-sabotage at this point myself #I truly think anyone who manages to find dear friends and achieve fulfillment and happiness with others outside themselves are amazing. #I see it happen from my tower. i hope we all make it. I hope we can make it through everything to come. #Why did i say all this on drawings of my characters naked. ah who even cares any more......

[criscura]

I wish I wasn't so exhausted and I could make more art.... I even planned out a whole prompt-a-day month for Saigenos/Genosai, TWICE, but the first time no one seemed like they could participate when I asked about it, and the second time I friggin lost the damned plan. I could remake it a third time, but I just....I don't know.

I've been really struggling to get along for a while, and I think if it didn't hit it off--or even if I just got really productive and it seemed like I was reaching crickets--I'd be so incredibly discouraged that it would bring me down even further. It usually takes my stuff a few months to a year to get reach, and that really doesn't do anything for me when I need the support immediately.

It's not that I don't have a billion ideas for so many different things, but my battery has been taking longer and longer to charge up and it's been running out faster and faster, and it's been like this for....a year?? Ish?? Maybe longer, I don't know.

I wish I could just stop needing so much fucking time to bounce back.....

#written from my bed as I'm almost crying from exhaustion and hopelessness #I'm PMSing and I had a really tiring day so i know this feels worse than normal #but when you've been struggling to fall asleep for months because waking up means being disappointed in yourself #for everything you failed to do the day before and everything you know you're going to fail to do again today #it's really hard not to feel like shit about yourself #trying to be constantly hopeful but never living up to your expectations #and then the few times that you do you completely crash for days #and then the only way to not crash is to have your big accomplishment be 'i went to the gym' 'i took a shower' 'i answered a message' #and just. again #to have the be the way you're living for months and months and months #it's so embarrassing to admit how little i can do and it makes me so ashamed knowing how much I've done and see what everyone else around me #is constantly doing #and then when i do share things it just kind of dies off because I've been too exhausted to maintain most relationships #which ALSO makes me feel like absolute fucking shit because i think people think i just don't care about them #when it's really that it takes me hours to get out of bed and I'm lucky if i remember to eat before 4 #and I hate so much of myself and see it as such a huge waste of time that it uses up almost all the energy i have to take care of myself #but if i don't do it I'll just hate myself even more #i know i keep on complaining about this but I'm. I'm trying to fix it #i have BEEN trying to fix it actively for so fucking long #but it's.....i think I've stopped believing anything i do has significant worth and it makes it hard to keep trying #and i know people will read this and say take something for it but when you're only interactions with medications and drugs #are one experience that scarred you so bad you didn't go to the doctors for ten years and one experience so bad #that you couldn't even explain it at first without HARDCORE disassociating #it's hard to convince yourself that anything will ever be any better and that it won't make everything intensely worse for years

[anaalnathrakhs]

btw my mom said it. she said it to me looking me in the eyes. i told her about how difficult it was for me to get through those family reunions, and she admitted it was very important to her, important enough that she was just going to do it anyway.

#i know there are compromises out there #and i'm not going to live w them my whole life so i'll be out fairly soon all things considered #and i'm trying to be understanding when people's priorities aren't the same as mine #but i uh. would be lying if i said it doesn't hurt a little wittle bit. #i'm gonna keep handling it because i've been an asshole to my parents for long enough #i largely owe them that. cooperating and spending time with them and engaging in what matters to them. #but then she's says things like ''but whenever you move out you'll still be part of the family and invited if you want uwu'' #it's just ?????? okay thanks ???? perhaps you could also try seeing things from my point of view perhaps???? #it's all circling back to that. they have a very weird way to ''help'' me #throwback to them trying to cure my depression with amusement parks #when i would have liked a little less of that and a little more help and understanding #it feels like they're trying to put bandaids on a cancer #''you don't ask for help'' okay no help is coming. i am not being helped. #the system can't help me cause there's no damn beds no damn professionals no damn time to help everyone #the people around me can't help me because it's not their job or within their wheelhouse to help me #and they've got their own shit to deal with #on that note #i was discussing stuff with my mom #and i mentionned it was indeed pretty difficult to manage your time when you had to deal with school and friends and your parents #and she was like ''deal with your parents???? what do you have to deal with????'' #oh i don't KNOW maybe that i'm officially an associate of my dad and i have to help out w events and some accounting #or maybe i have to pay back the fucking years i spent being an ungrateful child now i do everything you expect me to and it's exhausting #maybe that you constantly remind me i am living in YOUR house by touching my shit instead of letting me deal with shit at my own pace #maybe the fact that despite everything i care about you and i want us to have a good relationship and that takes WORK and i'm exhausted #maybe the fact that you keep giving me advice that is unproductive misguided misunderstanding etc etc #and cold comfort after you did something you knew to be difficult for me #how you keep encouraging shit that i don't want and am unhappy with because it's the ''normal'' way #how you raised me from childhood to be an empty shell in a family of empty shells #broadcasting my misery #vent

[infizero]

every time i so much as think about that scene where light looks at porn magazines while scowling i go into hysterics its genuinely the funniest thing i've ever seen

#the funniest thing is is that i truly believe he thought he was being 100% convincing. that that's normal behavior for a completely straight #completely allosexual man #light is fucking awful and i hate him but also there's nuance to him. and sometimes i can get a little like. oh thinking about his life #before the series. specifically factoring in my headcanons about him being gay aroace and autistic and stuff. ppl have written some rlly #good fics surrounding those topics.... but yeah thats not even canon stuff but i dont care #anyways its not in a way of making excuses for how he is i just think it adds more to his character #hes total garbage but i think theres really interesting stuff with him when it comes to how he's.... VERY disconnected from others #just in general. he's like aware of how to act ''normal'' on like the most textbook surface level without being like. Aware enough to #be able to make it more convincing. and as ridiculous as it is i do see some of myself in him in that sense #also that person who said light and L is just autistic guy who's been masking his entire life vs autistic guy who's never masked in his #entire life. LITERALLY EXACTLY. genuinely perfect way to describe them they are both so similar when it comes to this #but the ways they go about it are very different. light has been playing the part of the perfect son his whole life. L doesnt try to change #himself for anyone and doesnt care when people think hes weird. both of them arent very socially aware and havent had any real friends #their whole lives. its such a fascinating parallel between them #i could go on a whole fucking thing about how light was pretending to be someone he's not around his family and at school and everything #long before he got the death note BUT. i wont. at least not right now #jesus christ how did i go from laughing about him with the magazine to this. my bad #derailed my own damn post. idk swagever #will say rq tho. watched a vid on youtube that pointed out how light expected his family to think nothing of the fact that he's gone to #such drastic measures to hide his diary when making the plan with hiding the death note which is like #that level of dedication would NOT be normal. so the fact that light expects his family to think nothing of it...... #i mean you could read that as light just once again being socially unaware. but it could also imply that light's family kind of Knows #he's hiding something and just doesn't address it. (he's gay. im talking about him being gay) #the video also referenced this comic that i didnt rb cause the actual premise of it (lawlight wedding) is um. #not at all my kind of thing. BUT it was light describing himself as a house with a basement when his family sees him as a one story house #and i thought that was such a cool analogy #ANYWAYYYSSSS i need to go to bed. thanks if you read my ramblings #serena.txt #death note posting

[commsroom]

it's the right of every socially isolated weirdgirl to find at least one mythical creature to make a part of her personality and i think hera's would be selkies. but she could also be a mermaid girl.

#wolf 359 #w359 #hera wolf 359 #she makes me so sad. i want her to be less sad #she deserves the safety and freedom to have normal interests. to develop fondness for some things and petty dislike for other things #and generally just Experience Things. #i have feelings about this in the context of. what trauma and disability and transness can feel like they've taken from you #it's about having things you thought could only be for other people. and making up for lost time. #and anyway hera and the ocean is already such a strong association #i think she would resonate with selkie stories. not necessarily in the literal content of them but more in #that they're about autonomy and control. other people trying to decide who you are and how you should live. #and they're about freedom. #hera has a concept of the ocean but i feel like she would be so struck by the real thing. she finds so much beauty in space but she's never #gotten to see the beauty on earth. i think she might like earth a lot more. once she does. #and animals!! she has never seen animals. i want her to see a wild seal i think she would be enchanted by them

[henpeckedho]

Boring life update:

Had a stretch of 3 days last week in which I not only didn't want to die but actively wanted to live. 3 days of NO passive SI. I have been out of my SSRIs for a while, it was just my brain finally kicking in a little and offering a small amount of organic serotonin.

I'm back to my normal baseline passive SI this week but those 3 days were a TRIP better than any drug or alcohol I've tried so far. Y'all are going to try and tell me people live like that all the time?! Just walking around just having a will to live? And that's the baseline??

#like what the actual fuck it was incredible #it wasn't like i was magically neurotypical or anything everything else was still there #but now I'm like damn i want that back #guess i need to try and make it through at least a few more months to see if i can have it happen again #however now that I've experienced 3 whole days of it #i can see just how bad my normal baseline is #my doctor's weren't lying it is a miracle I'm still alive #damn I'm not sure how i made it this long either #but then again I've never experienced it before so i didn't know what i was missing #so really had no idea how other people were living

[the-gayest-sky-kid]

like im just saying they should invent a family that doesn't make you want to kill yourself

#and a school system while theyre at it #or just a me that wouldn't make me want to kill myself #just like. without all the problems that make it impossible to exist in normal society as myself #i know technically its possible for me to have a future but goddammit i dont see one okay #i havent made a single goddamn real life connection since middle school and now we're so distant i barely remember whos who on discord #thats not to mention how I've just been on the edge of every friendgroup anyway. including that one #im just some fucking loser. im not going to fucking graduate my only career aspiration is a goddamn pipe dream and if i dont fucking kill #myself by then im going to be stuck living with my family forever and we're not going to be seeing eye to eye. #all ive ever done is dig myself a deep grave and then tether other people to me to drag them down too #i love you all but i dont know how you see me as anything but gross and annoying and weirdly fucking clingy okay #i just #i dont know what im fucking doing #i wish i did. i wish i knew but i dont. and it feels like everyone else has figured out how things work and im just supposed to do that too #but i cant. i fucking cant and it keeps getting worse and i keep getting worse and i keep making it worse for my family while im at it #i miss being able to imagine doing stuff tomorrow. or in an hour #i miss being able to wash the dishes and not having to think about stabbing myself with fucking cutlery #i miss being able to show my mother my report card #but its my fucking fault im in this mess in the first place #and i just cant fucking try enough. or at all #aethers rants #cw vent #cw sui ideation #personal posts and stuff idk

[klonoadoortophantomile]

aib is fucking wild actually the attention to detail is just. it drives me crazy theres so many jokes in the background constantly theres so many things where youll be like 'wow thats a fun visual gag' or 'thats a nice little bit of characterization' and then you realize while rewatching thats there was MORE set up to that or it just keeps staying consistent and builds on it more later. and like all of this is awesome on its own but also its all animated in FUCKING *POWERPOINT*?? insane.

#ive rewatched aib like six times this week. help #also im pointing this out becuz well ive just noticed a lot of little details i hadnt picked up on until now but im rewatching #episode 5 rn and like. few days ago honeycomb made that post abt how alef doesntlike sit in the pool float consistently #during the elimination AND YOU CAN LITERALLY SEE HIM STRUGGLING TO TRY AND SIT IN IT NORMALLY #BEFORE THE ELIMINATION PROPERLY STARTS?? #oh and also in episode 4 before team 3 starts working on their art you can see bone drawing shot put and glassy #becuz they were in the previous scene and you can also see them walking by and #theres like so much more im probably forgetting about theres just so much and im living for it #i fucking love it when things have tons of fun little details and background jokes and just shit where you can tell #they had a lot of fun making it and wanted to leave all these fun little easter eggs for the people who care =) #inquisitivewaltz.txt #animated inanimate battle #osc #oh and also i still cannot comprehend the fact that its a powerpoint show. like how does he do it how does it look so good

[jikigo]

you ever just see a post and just

. 😭

.⬅️🫀⬅️

#Worst emoji combo ever but it’s gon be such big depression hours down here so scroll if you want im on the brink of throwing up #don’t you just bloody love it how over the past 3 years you’ve only seen people the large total of…. 4 times!!! An average of seeing someon #outside of school 1.3 times per year!! What a bloody fantastic way to spend your teenage years! #Don’t you also just love it when people talk right to you about how they all went out together over the weekend and like did some stupid #shit like your average high schooler would do and you’re just like “oh. I went to my 1 and a half hour long dance class and got ignored the #entire time and when you did try to talk they just spoke over you” oh my fucking god I hate that place so much even the teacher fucking #ignores me once we were going in a circle and she was asking everyone what they got for Christmas and I was in the middle of the circle so #thought hey maybe someone will actually acknowledge my existence but she fucking ignored me and went to next person like why the fuck #And now I’m debating staying in that shithole bc I was invited to a gc for that class and I stupidly thought that someone might want me #There. I wasn’t even invited I secretly scanned the qr code to join over someone else’s shoulder #everyone else there is the best of bloody friends and I’m just there talking to one friend who I don’t even think is my friend #“Hey man I’m really fucking sad rn can I talk to you” “womp womp have you heard stupid fact no.3848594 about my ocs while I ignore you when #you talk about anything else about me” oh my god shut up literally no one else sane would see someone like that their closest friend rn #At least someone wants to talk to me #Like what is it that makes people not want to see my please just tell me I’ll change I’m amazing at changing my personality to fit others #promise me on that I’ve done it my entire life #Even just messaging me more than once every year and I’d consider you my best friend this is how bad I’m getting #What is so bloody bad about me that no one else likes I don’t care how badly you fucking word it just something #It shouldn’t be normal to wish death on people you call your mates bc you heard about them all going out together without you #Oh dear did the gc’s without me in it there’s one for every friend group I’ve ever been in why isn’t there one for the main group I’m in rn #Idfc anymore just tell me what I’m doing wrong I keep asking people if they want to go out or how far away they live from some place #And it’s always met with ignoring me talking over me or immediately changing the subject #Please if you’re someone I know irl what the fuck am I doing fucking wrong I can’t fucking do this anymore be as mean as you like #Why the fuck does no one ever want to be around me why do I hear so much about stuff others are doing together but never me #It shouldn’t be normal to prefer being in a toxic relationship than what I’m in rn #I fucking hate everything

[medicinemane]

.

#I get tired of people trying to explain what lens I should view the world through; what way I could think that would make everything better #forgive me but I don't care; I do what I do and I do what I can and you don't see the work I do under the hood #I don't want advice on self validation or whatever; I want... I want someone to hold a mirror up so I can actually see myself #by which I mean I want input on how I'm doing; if it's good enough; if it's worth anything; if anything I make is good #everyone things I'm nice; everyone has always thought I'm nice #but given nice leaves me profoundly isolated I don't think I care #not to mention in my opinion what nice in this instance means is that I'm capable of listening #it's mostly that I have manners rather than some quality about me #I'm well behaved and polite and can listen; and that's perceived as nice or even sweet #and it's not like I'm offended by people seeing me that way; but maybe you can get why... I can't do anything with that information #but if I'm doing enough... if I provide any value to the world... I might have heard that less times in my life than years I've lived #that's where I'm totally blind #people don't tend to offer any input; and also people don't tend to let me know what they're thinking #and I in fact am not a mind reader; I can often accurately infer things; but no of that means a thing till it's confirmed #and... well... hopefully no one reads the stupid shit I say and especially not the tags so this is safe and hidden #but truthfully people just like to hear that stuff they're doing is wanted and matters #and I do not #I don't know... gotta go do more cleaning cause I need to #and I have no idea if... I've got a reason for fighting so hard to clean; but I get very little input so... I expect... well... #and thankfully I don't think they read my tags so I can say this #but I really expect they won't take me up on my offer to come out here and get away from their parents; so there will be no pay off #not that I blame them in the slightest... it's just the only possible pay off for this cleaning would be helping someone I like out #and a scrap of company #but then again... in many ways anyone coming out to live with me is the worst thing they could probably do #sorry... I have a rather bleak outlook on many things surrounding myself purely cause of what I infer from the past #there is never pay off; only more shit I need to get done #I will never be loved; I will never be wanted; I will always just kinda be an afterthought that's occasionally worth venting to #no one will ever be particularly interested in anything I'm interested while I'll chase their interests or at least try to #certainly let them talk about them when they want #...though I take that over my normal total isolation... better to at least be permitted to follow in someone's shadow than have nothing