#u ever think abt how much he's healed and grown and how loved he is now and all the love he shares i just. wails

[thekidsarentalright]

u guys ever think abt pete bringing back the love cant save you hoodie and wearing it constantly this era while being living proof that love Can save you and instead of wearing it as a depressing omission of truth it instead is almost a badge of honor that love did save him. bc i think abt it constantly

#similar thing could be said for his unloveable tattoo also which makes me even more insane to think abt i just #u ever think abt how much he's healed and grown and how loved he is now and all the love he shares i just. wails #u ever think abt pete wentz too hard and need to go lay down in the dark bc u love him so bad #txt

[shadowsinger11]

You, The Stars And I

Pairing: Fred Weasley x Reader

Word Count: 3.8k (oops)

Requested by @amira3113: Can I request a fic abt the reader seeing Fred and George comforting a kid after Umbridge punished him and the reader helps them and Fred thinks it's so cute what she is doing and she does the same and extra mega fluff, pls?🥺 you don't gotta do it if u don't want to btw.. so no pressure ;)

Warnings: A bit more angst than intended, Fred being a soft boi™️

A/N: I don't know how to feel, I just roasted myself hardcore with this and I'm feeling even more single. I'm sorry for not being able to use a 'keep reading' tab

Masterlist

The sun fell asleep behind the endless hills, enveloped by dense, opaque darkness. Its golden rays no longer shone through the wide windows of the castle and instead let shadows creep into the long, empty hallways, revealing the ugly truth about what the school had turned into over the past few months.

The naked walls stood tall, towering over you and inching closer with every step you took, and you hung your head low, aiming to block out the singular buzzing thought in your head.

Hogwarts was no longer home.

Your heart ached at the memory of hundreds of students chattering and laughing all day long, freely walking around the school grounds and simply being children. You so terribly missed being careless and having fun without the fear of potentially facing a life-threatening punishment.

But now there was no laughter, only your footsteps echoed in the hallway.

You were headed straight to your common room, determined to go to sleep early. The curfew and the dozens of new restrictions prevented you from meeting your friends, and you hoped that sleep would at least somehow distract you from your worries for a couple of hours.

The deafening silence nearly caused you to miss the muffled sobs and quiet whispering, coming from a turn not far away. It seemed as though there were more than one voice speaking, and your chest clenched with dread.

You hurried your pace until you reached the source of the noise, and peeked from behind the wall.

The sight most definitely surprised you, but the pain in your chest only sharpened.

There, on a bench, Fred and George were sitting, hunched over a small boy, probably no older than a second year. You could tell by his green robes which house he was in, but his red, tear-stained face was what alarmed you.

You immediately approached him and fell to your knees. George was on his left, rubbing slow, soothing circles on his back, while Fred was on the other side, holding his small hand in his, on the back of which a few words glistened with fresh crimson blood.

I must not ask questions.

You sent the twins a questioning look, but Fred dismissed it by shaking his head; clearly that was not the time for an explanation, nor was one necessary to begin with.

You placed a hand on the boy's knee to make your presence known.

"Hey. How are you feeling?"

This only caused the child to sob harder and you internally cursed for having to go through this routine.

"It hurts…" he whimpered, "I thought Hogwarts was fun. I met friends last year and it was great. But now… Now I really want to go home."

Your jaw clenched and you swallowed hard, furious about seeing innocent children slowly losing faith and joy in life, turning into hollow shells of the amazing people they could have grown to become.

The horrifying experience would inevitably have a massive impact on them and unexplainable guilt twisted your stomach. And even though the long-term damage had already been done, you could at least take care of the temporary pain.

"It's not going to hurt for long, I promise," Fred whispered, tenderly playing with the boy's trembling fingers. "Ours are already fading."

"That's true, see?" George showed the back of his hand on which you could make out the faint, bloody words 'I must not cause trouble.', and you felt sick. "Soon you won't even remember it was there."

Tears stung in your eyes, but before you gave them a chance to fall, you turned to the redheads.

"I can heal the wound. Well, to an extent. If anything, I can lessen the pain," you began. "But I need to grab something from the Charms classroom."

Fred frowned, confused, "Wouldn't you need a potion for that? Why Charms?"

"Snape isn't the only one armored with potions for just in case things go wrong. And we can't risk going to the dungeons at this hour. It's not wise to tell Madam Pomfrey yet either."

The twins nodded. George said.

"It's not a good idea for all of us to go at once. I suggest one of us returns and covers the others up if necessary."

"I'll go with her," Fred stated without a second thought. "I can get them safely where they need to be, let her do her thing and bring them back."

Fred's eagerness to help filled you with warmth and for once that night you had the strength to smile, even for just a second.

"That sounds like plan then. But you should really take the map," George added, already pulling out the neatly folded Marauder's Map from his backpack. "Don't wanna risk getting caught by the ugly toad, you know."

"As if she'd be strolling down the hallways late at night. Doesn't she have hobbies?"

"Does hanging creepy pictures of cats on pink walls count as such?" you commented and the second year giggled, which made you feel slightly better as well.

Fred took the map from George and you grabbed the boy's hand.

"Good luck, guys. And, like, don't die."

"Woah, greatly encouraging, Georgie," you replied sarcastically, but appreciated it nonetheless. "You sure you'll be fine?"

"Absolutely. I got the route memorized like the back of my hand. I'll be careful."

And with that, George headed towards the Gryffindor Tower while you, Fred and the boy went in the opposite direction - the East Towers.

The night was eerily quiet, only the footsteps and shuddering breaths of the three of you keeping you sane. The soft light, gleaming at the tip of your wands, didn't do much to brighten the empty hallways which now seemed like endless voids of darkness.

Occasionally Fred would warn you about Filch's cat approaching, or Peeves causing trouble nearby, but fortunately, you reached the classroom sooner than expected.

"Alohomora," you whispered, but the door didn't bulge when you tried to open it.

Fred grinned, "Surely a Charms professor wouldn't let such a cliché unlock his own classroom."

"Shut up," you grumbled. "Aberto!"

The door opened. Fred's eyes widened in amusement and you flashed him a charming smile on your way in.

You placed the boy to sit on a desk as you and your friend rushed to look through drawers and chests for something useful. Most of them were full of basic items such as old books and quills, half-full jars of salamander blood, pearl dust and gillyweed, and after long fifteen minutes of not having found anything, you slid your back down against the wall, sighing in frustration.

Sleep-deprivation was kicking in, but your anxiety was getting stronger.

You needed to do something. Fast.

"What about this chest right here?" Fred asked from the other side of the classroom, pointing at something under Flitwick's desk.

You shook your head, "Doesn't open, already tried. Even if the cure is there, we can't get it."

"I take it your brilliant spells don't work anymore?" the redhead teased and you so badly wished to slap away the cocky smirk on his face. Or kiss it. There was something oddly attractive about the way he'd set your nerves on fire, and you hated yourself for enjoying it. Fred seemed to love it too.

"If you're only here to be annoying, just leave."

"I'm here to help too. I can multitask."

You nearly jumped from the ground to strangle him, and he clearly saw through your intentions because his toothy grin almost split his face in two. That bastard.

That super annoying, devilishly handsome bastard.

"Are you gonna keep staring at me, or are you coming? Not that I mind the attention," he shrugged.

You rose to your feet and made your way over to where he was standing, not granting him the pleasure of facing him, "Don't flatter yourself, Weasley. Your stupidity is simply impossible to be unnoticed."

Fred laughed, "Oh, so I was annoying and now I'm stupid too? Make up your mind, woman."

You pulled out your wand and smirked at him over your shoulder.

"You said it yourself that you can multitask. Aberto!"

Nothing.

Fred squinted his eyes as he stared at the wooden chest. What spell could the professor have possibly used? Could you have even heard of it? The chances of ever finding the precious item were becoming grimmer with each passing second and the inevitable sense of dread had started to settle in.

After a minute Fred finally spoke.

"I think your problem is that you're using spells that only work on doors. You need a charm which unlocks containers."

"You might be right. What would that be then?" you enquired, glancing at the redhead. He took his own wand out of his robes.

"I know a spell that's come in handy before. Hopefully it will work now," he wettened his lips and said. "Cistem Aperio!"

Blinding light caused you to cover you eyes,  and the chest opened with a loud thud which could have easily alerted the entire floor of your presence if it wasn't for the silencing charm you were lucky to have used when you first entered the classroom.

You finally dared to open your eyes and kneeled on the ground, carefully rummaging through fancy-looking boxes and vials sparking with liquids that seemed to be quite important.

"What are we looking for?" Fred asked as he crouched next to you.

"Wound-Cleaning Potion. Purple."

It was weird having Fred stand this close to you; sparks of electricity would pierce your heart every time his shoulder brushed against yours, or his fingers would accidentally graze yours. And when they did, they had you longing more and more for their touch, for their warmth.

But this warmth did not belong to you.

You swallowed down the disappointment and instead attempted to focus on the task at hand.

Just as you had expected, the precious crystal bottle was carefully wrapped in sparkling cloth and placed inside a box that was hidden deep in the corner of the chest. You breathed a sigh of relief and got on your feet, determined to stay away from Fred. For his sake and yours.

"Here it is," you smiled at the boy as you walked over to him. "Fred, can you get me some bandages from the drawer in the back?" you asked, pointing right behind him, and he did as he was told.

You took the hand of the young Slytherin and examined it closely - the wound was sure to leave a nasty scar, one that would never heal.

"Can you make it disappear?" he asked, fearfully.

Your heart dropped. But you replied with all the courage you could muster.

"I can try."

Fred was soon by your side and placed the medical items on the desk; a half-full packet of cotton, some bandages and a small box of bandaids. You muttered a 'thanks', not even looking at him, and opened the middle-sized bottle. It spread a characteristic smell of ashes, mint and lemon when you lifted it towards your nose - it was ready to use.

"So what now?" Fred asked.

Not granting him a reply, you simply took a small piece of the cotton and dipped the opening of the bottle into it, soaking it with a generous amount of the purple, dense liquid. The smell grew stronger.

Fred could only watch as you yet again gently grabbed the boy's hand and carefully dabbed the back of it; a thin steam of smoke soared from the contact of wet cotton and wounded flesh, purple mixing with red, and the kid hissed in pain. You worked attentively but quickly, with measured gestures and a straight face, and you missed the way Fred's eyes seemed to soften at the sight of you helping a small kid.

But one thing baffled him - why did you suddenly start acting so emotionless? Even towards the youngling who didn't know a thing. And though your expression seemed calm and collected, the Gryffindor noticed your tensed jaw.

What he wasn't aware of, however, was the racing speed of you heart, increasing each second. He wasn't aware of the short, shallow breaths you were taking because if you had allowed yourself to breathe freely, you'd certainly let out tears along with the deeps sighs.

Every move was calculated, every word and breath.

You pressed a fresh piece of cotton against the now cleaned wound and kept it there as you began to roll the bandage over it, securing it in place. When you were done, you placed a gentle, lingering kiss on the hand.

"There. It should do the trick."

The boy's face lit up and he hugged you, not giving you another choice but to wrap your arms around his small body. At least you had managed to bring him back some of the lost warmth.

"We should get him to his dorm," you told Fred and despite not facing him, he knew the words were directed towards him. That still didn't prevent the stinging pain in his chest from being so effortlessly avoided by you, and he frowned, bewildered by your unexpected coldness towards him.

Had he accidentally done anything to upset you? Were you mad at him? What for?

The boy jumped to his feet, visibly less burdened despite the present tear stains on his puffy cheeks. You hoped he'd be able to get some sleep that night regardless of the circumstances.

The three of you left the classroom as quietly as you had entered it and went in the direction of the dungeons. Fred, as usual, did his job at looking at the map and keeping track of the names, moving on the yellow-ish piece to old parchment.

Fortunately, you reached the Slytherin common room without any disturbances along the way, and the boy went inside, eager to crawl into bed and not think about the ugly lady who had punished him so unfairly just a few hours ago.

The door closed without a sound, leaving you and Fred on your own.

His soft voice broke the burdening silence.

"Are you going to bed?"

If you were being honest, you hadn't even thought about sleep during your secret adventure and though your body was on the verge of giving out, your restless mind was sure to wander all night. And the idea of being alone with your thoughts scared you.

"Actually… I don't think so," you began, fiddling with your fingers in hopes to not let Fred see how much they were trembling. "I doubt I'd be able to get any sleep now."

"Me too, I admit," Fred scratched the back of his neck, uncertain as to how to make the situation less awkward than it was. Trying to get you to talk was hard enough as it was, but your sudden avoidance wasn't helping either. All Fred wished for was to witness the hopeful spark in your eyes, the spark that he had noticed diminish on the first day of school when the unsettling news was announced.

Fred was determined to bring the light back and see your joyous smile again.

Without skipping a beat he said.

"Come with me."

Your eyes shot up in surprise, meeting Fred's for the first time that night. You expected to see the ever-present playful mischief in them, but instead they glistened with something you could not quite recognize. The corners of his mouth had formed a smile, one that didn't intend to mock or provoke in any way, but still contained his usual boyish charm. It was humble and sincere, and along with the anticipating look in his eyes it read.

Trust me.

Your mouth went dry, any and all reasoning to stay vanishing in thin air as you tried to make sense out of your inner conflict. Fred surely wouldn't care if you said no, would he? It's not like he'd be offended that someone like you refused to go with him; why would he even be interested in you in the first place?

But the idea of spending some time alone with him did sound very tempting - you desperately needed some positivity in that moment, feeling exceptionally drained of all your energy after having to witness the emotional and psychological impact of Umbridge's dictatorship. And if there was someone who could lift your spirit even in such dark times, that would be Fred.

Screw the idea of a potential relationship, you needed a friend right now.

"Where to, Weasley?"

Fred grinned at the nickname and shoved hands into his pockets.

"The Astronomy Tower. Are you coming?"

You smiled at him.

"Sure."

It was indeed a brilliant idea to spend the night at the place where anyone rarely ever set a foot. Regardless of it being crowded during classes all day, the Tower wasn't a common choice for students to meet, them much preferring locations like the common rooms, the Great Hall, the school grounds or even the Black Lake. But the Tower did possess a magnetic, obscure charm which many people failed to comprehend and appreciate; charm only meant to lure the wandering souls seeking peace under the stars.

Fred approached the iron railing, breathing in the cold, early spring air, and sat cross-legged on the ground. As he saw you standing a few feet away from him, he patted the empty spot next to him.

"Come on now, don't leave me sitting on my own like that," he joked and his face lit up when he noticed the ghost of a smile on your lips for a brief moment. You joined Fred on the ground, settling on a polite distance from him, and though he was slightly disappointed by the gesture, he was grateful to be in your presence nonetheless.

Silence fell over both of you like soft velvet while you stared off into the horizon; the view reached the Forbidden Forest, the outlines of which had melted into the pitch black sky like ink, the lines between the two practically nonexistent in the dead hours of the night as they blurred into one endless void.

"I don't remember the last time I saw stars on the sky," Fred addressed your ever-listening companions above in a low, hushed voice that caused warmth to blossom within you regardless of the cold surrounding you.

"Me neither," you agreed, nostalgia creeping into you, but you decided you'd welcome it this time. "Such a shame we can't see the moon though."

Your friend nodded, lips pursed into a thin line, "That's because it's currently new moon. We'll need to wait for awhile until it's visible again."

You turned to Fred and the air was knocked out of your lungs. All you could do was silently admire the way the starlight was softening his sharp features and giving his usually flaming red hair a calming shade of copper. His eyes seemed to glow in the dark, and you found yourself coming to the conclusion you had realised long ago.

He was such a beautiful man.

Those glowing eyes landed on yours and you felt your face heat up.

"How are you?" he asked abruptly and you choked out in bafflement.

"Y-You mean, right now? Or in general?..."

"How are you coping?" he rephrased. "You know, with everything going on. I noticed Umbridge bothering you recently."

A shuddering breath.

"I like to think that I'm doing better than others," you nodded hesitantly, finding it hard to sort out your emotions. "I'm more worried about the most vulnerable among us, the youngest students. They're just children. They're the ones that are most terrified. I really hope Dumbledore will be able to do something about it… no matter where he might be right now."

Fred was watching you intently; he did not miss your expression, darkened with concern, nor did he miss your slumped figure, slightly hunched over for a reason he believed was other than exhaustion. Your friend moved closer and nudged your foot with his.

"I don't want you to talk to me about the rest. I want to hear about you. I can clearly see you're being tormented by her."

"As if you're not."

"That's not the point," he insisted and placed a hand on your knee, causing you to face him. His smile was gone. "I need to know how this madness is affecting you."

"I couldn't care less about what that toad puts me through," you shook your head dismissively and shrugged. Why was he getting so worked up about it? "It doesn't matter."

"Of course it does! It matters to me!" Fred hissed in frustration. "Do you think it doesn't hurt me every time I see Umbridge picking at you or calling you for detention? Because it bloody does and you have no idea how horrible it feels to not be able to help you."

He gave your knee a squeeze.

"For once, just for one time, please. Please, stop trying to be the hero of everybody. Believe me, we see- I see how hard you're trying to keep your chin up despite all the shit you're facing, and that's admirable, but right now it's not necessary. Let go. It's just me."

A way too familiar lump formed in your throat and your chest constricted painfully before it harshly dilated, letting out choked breaths. Fred was quick to envelope you in his long arms before your tears even rolled down your cheeks, and when they did, they met his shoulder. Your hands flew around his neck, body falling into his and soaking up his warmth. Fred pressed his soft lips to your temple, calming the racing pulse as you cried freely and unapologetically. Darling, you feel too much.

It's just me.

Your friend didn't let you out of his hold even when your heart-wrenching whimpers were reduced to weak sobs. He continued cradling your exhausted body which was on the verge of completely giving out. But Fred didn't mind, finding astonishing strength in your vulnerability.

After what seemed like hours, you forced yourself to timidly whisper, lip quivering, "I'm scared... And confused."

"Me too, sweetheart," Fred hummed into your ear. "Me too."

You wiped away the trails of dried tears lingering on your face.

"There's just too much going on. Too much that I'm not ready for."

Realization flashed in Fred's brown eyes and they looked down at you with so much longing, sincerity, but also sympathy and understanding.

You weren't angry at him. You were afraid.

And that was alright.

There was enough time, not need for a rush.

Fred had been waiting for years to find out whether his burning feelings for you were reciprocated, constantly suppressing them in fear of scaring you away and losing you. And now that he knew your heart belonged to him like his did to you, all the stars above couldn't contain his untamed happiness, pure and hopeful.

Surely he could wait a little more for you to grow comfortable with your own emotions.

Fred tightened his hold around you and pecked your cheek tenderly, the subtle touch sending a shock throughout your body and subsiding your need for sleep.

"That's alright," he whispered. "Rest now."

@self-ship-love @susceptible-but-siriusexual @hufflexpuff @neovannii

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Masterlist

#fred weasley x reader #fred weasley x reader angst #fred weasley x reader fluff #fred weasley imagines #fred weasley fanfiction #fred weasley #james phelps #george weasley #oliver phelps #fred and george weasley #weasley twins #harry potter imagines

[icecreamkink]

so i watched cobra kai all in two days and i have so many -

this show has so many cool and smart angles to it, but the same time.... its so stupid oh my god everyone is so dumb literally mr miyagi held all of the braincells in this whole universe 

like i am but at the same time i am not surprised it was made like this, bc in hindsight of course there were hordes of ppl simping over johnny lawrence ....  but it still amuses me that this is like... an Actual Official Thing

ok this will get long so cut it is

how much fun this cast has is super visible and i love it

i rly enjoy how the world was expanded ! i did grow up watching the karate kid movies, so watching how they progressed the world of the movies so organically was pretty cool. it rly feels like its the same universe

i fucking LOVE stories that are largely about a Thing. dancing ,skating, sports its just so thrilling to experience this all consuming relationship people can have with this type of activity? and martial arts are just that much more intense, so yeah, grown ass men kicking each other around at the lightest provocation and a war veteran caring so much abt teen karate is Ridiculous.... but i love it all because thats the intensity i find so thrilling

was kinda surprised with how much im missing mr. miyagi. first because, like everyone is so unhinged jesus christo, it just really throws into relief how much his character grounded the narrative of the movies. but also hes just a really great character

and on that note it rly Gets Me that the show itself aknowledges that and plays that into daniels angst and all the little ways they sorta weave myiagisms into the whole show........ im not getting emotional over this dumb karate dads show OK

related - i really miss hearing ‘daniel-san’ 🥺🥺

ACE DEGENERATE oh god oh no

they really went down the down and out johnny lawrence route huh. like i was always kinda bummed we see kreese choking him and then we never see him again in the movies, and while i love dumpster fire problematic trash himbo ck johnny, its like......................... actually really sad that his life turned out like this fjngn

everytime i hear ‘babes’ and ‘pussy’ i die a little inside. i know thats the point but i am a v cringe easy person, have mercy (ehe)

loved the way they are constantly drawing parallels between johnny and mr. myiagi of all people. hes the handy man of his building that has a bullied kid asking for help and eventually steps up to teach them karate, beats up a bunch of bullies for him, creates a friendship with said kid, estranged from family, drinks his sorrows away, surprisingly one of the least quick to anger characters (which says more about everyone else really but.... Well.), no schemes or ulterior motives hes just tryna vibe here.... oh and ofc magically heals miguel of is asthma apparently. the true disciple.. meanwhile daniel is his usual messy petty self even tho he wants to be mr myiagi so bad 

also interesting about that is how miguels character is a parallel of both johnny and daniel at the same time

overall the parallels in ck are done really well, drawing comparisons and also subverting them constantly. theyre well thought out

THE PARALELOGRAMS

fr tho, the angle being explicitly the cycle of trauma and its effects and how trumatized adults in turn traumatize kids, maliciously or not, is so interesting

but! on the flip side of that, it feels like the writers are getting in their own way @ letting the characters grow. especially this last season. theres only so many times you can do "johnny and daniel are getting along but 5mins later they are (literally) fighting over some dumbass random issue" or "johnny puts in 20% of effort with robby and then gives up" before it gets on your nerves yknow?

i see daniel no longer talks like macchio ingested 15 shots of espresso before every take and idk how to feel about that tbh

interesting tension in daniel, as in, in tkk mr miyagi was there and daniel was frankly, kind of a lil shit, this messy petty spitfire hot tempered sassy kid,(johnny lawrence voice: just... stop being so annoying) but now hes the adult, and he wants to be mr. miyagi... but hes just not, and never will be to his very core and it shakes him and in a way hes trying to find who he is now that he sees himself in a position to be a not! cobra kai figure. i kinda really like that 

plus how that relates to his cobra kai trauma. idk if the writers thought abt it Like That, i think so, but in any case, its interesting bc it seems like daniel has told everyone whod listen about johnny lawrence his Pretty Boy Karate Rival and high school and 84 cobra kai... But. no one seems to know what went on in 85 (or 86? idk) which was just so much worse

like ye og cobras were shitheads, but tkk iii is just two hours of daniel being emotionally and physically tortured. 

like, the third movie is.............chaotic, to put it nicely, and many people ignore it, but the writers clearly didnt. daniels actions are, in a way, responding so much more to the events of tkk iii than to the first movie ie. johnny himself, AND. daniel doesnt rly seem to have dealt with that trauma? he never told sam? doesnt feel like hes ever told amanda? he doesnt even say terrys name out loud? freaks Out over kreese ? the way he reacts to robbys deceit? his FACE when he walks past the new "fear does not exist in this dojo" paint or kreeses photo? hmMm i sense Pain

his fashion tho........... disappointing. where are the flower shirts daniel huh we had one (1) shirt what a tragedy STOP WEARING SUITS ALL THE TIME . also the band ts/grunge bi are a look for johnny but part of me longs for the preppy lovable 80s bully chic johnny lawrence getups

weird that they never used that last moment of karate kid where johnny kinda... snaps out of his anger and hands daniel the trophy almost in tears. like “youre alright larusso, good match” “thanks a lot”  that being their last direct interection seems like itd be perfect fruit for cobra kai but... they just dont. weird. 

especially when, the FIRST SCENE they see each other, suposedly in 30+ years, the first thing to come out of daniels mouth is QUOTE "u still got those golden locks huh?" WHO SAYS SHIT LIKE THAT DANIEL FUCKING SAN 

also amandas immediate reaction "your pretty boy rival?" like. can we talk about the fact that daniel had to have imparted to his wife the very important information that his high school bully/karate rival was like Really Cute and Fucking Hot Actually

 the writers Knew exactly what they were doing and honestly.............. power to them

tkk director voice: and billy was just so cute  

also I was thinking that daniel sounded strangely fond in that first scene, and i wonder if he developed a weird affection for johnny on the grounds that of all of his Karate Rivals johnny was actually the only one who didn’t actively tried to literally kill him

i was actually delightedly surprised with how great the chemistry between them is, like from the get go i am Invested. their rl friendship totally bleeds through and its fantastic

. granted, idiots enemies to lovers friends is my Thing so i am biased  

johnny lawrence: i am down in the dumps, i fucked up my whole life and my sons probably, largely in light of the trauma that the father figure sensei and the philosophy of my karate inflicted on me and all my friends. u know what i should do, as a traumatized, unreliable mess of an adult? teach that same philosophy to some other kids! what could go wrong! 

but really i enjoy the setup of it. i kinda like that i watched it late because, season 1 was johnny setting himself up for failure in a way and it was exciting to watch it all go to shit sjfn

Like. his heart might be in the right place, but theres just.... not a way to teach something like ‘strike hard, no mercy’ and not have it fuck up a kid 

case and point: aisha, miguel and hawk become annoying as all hell over that bullshit in the end of s1, even before shit gets truly fucked up

billys subtle panicked eyes when he sees hawk and miguel fighting dirty in the all valley was SO GOOD especially in parallel with the panic that is so visible in his face in the movie when kreese tells bobby to injure daniel and in the sweep the leg scene 

seen people question wether kreese should have returned and i absolutely think he needed to. johnny needed to realize that cobra kais fundamentals are flawed, at the root, beyond kreese himself being a toxic piece of shit 

also who are we kidding? we are here to see the tkk characters play on new playgrounds!

i get what they're doing abt kreeses backstory, ( also. cobra kai. pq eles caem nas cobras djjs sorry) but did it need to take up that much time? feels like they couldve  done it in half the run time and developed some other stories better 

martin kove has such an evil eye. i love it

love that we get a good follow up to kreese breaks johnnys trophy and tries to CHOKE HIM in the parking lot, which happened in the movie and then....................... was never mentioned again

“the gang is all back together again” aaaa u piece of SHIT 

also. terry silver is definetely appearing ha ha ha PAIN i cant wait

seen ppl say kreese was too much of a cartoon villain like..........................oh......... sweetie........... u dont even Know

interested how johnny will fit into that bc kreese was simping rly hard for johnny here. like i did not expect him to be so adamant to have him with cobra kai ... under his control, sure, but he really wants johnny by his side despite already having control of the dojo and how will terry silver self appointed jon kreeses forever simp going to feel abt that? 

like bitchs dropping by every episode like ‘joooooohnny ..... come bacc to me joooonny......... this ur last warning! for real this time johnny! i wont say it again! watch me ! im leaving johnny! im rly leaving ! im dragging a chair” and johnny is just like. dont let the door hit ya bitch it was so funny pls

and on that subject oof, johnny! doesnt! Know! he doesnt get that side of daniels cobra kai trauma. and i kind of.............. cannot wait for ck 2021 johnny lawrence to meet terry silver like. what a shit show i need a front row seat and popcorn (imagine terry tries some greasy charm and johnny just roundhouse kicks him in the teeth bc he just doest Not Have the Patience for This. glorious)

feels like we, as a society, should acknowledge that cobra kai will never die................ bc their sense of design is just chefs kiss. their name is COBRA KAI. they have sexie sleeveless black gis. theyve sneks. colorful leather jackets with embroided naja insignia, the get ppl thru the aesthetics. evil geniuses

the flashback cuts : masterpiece behavior

the other takes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! of the movie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the differente angles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! of the FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE CLOSE UP ON JOHNNYS FACE AT THE KICK 

that scene of daniel and johnny vibing to 80s music in the car. just. oh my god. the fan wish fullfilment. no thoughts head empty.

the new characters! theyre .... good. but. idk. i really like miguel (save for the annoying phase mid s1 - end s2) and amanda, who is a damn riot and has some functioning braincells, but everyone else is       

like dont get me wrong, i dont hate anyone,its not a jane and rafael from jtv situation,  and i am interested and invested in their arcs, but i wouldnt say i like   Like them, as in, personality wise 

like, sams grappling with ptsd was rly gutting and i enjoyed that plus her slight rage issues, 

which nicely parallel torys rage issues. torys background is all over the place tho so im pretty on the fence abt her so far

robby deserves better in every way, and i like how smart and cunning and surprisingly sweet he is

hawk............... is there i guess,

 demetri is annoying in the best way possible,

 carmen is sweet but. i just feel like her character is blunted to make the johnny relationship easier. like when shes furious with him after miguels injury but then forgives him like an episode later? and then convinces him to fight for the tournament bc she had a karate epiphany off screen even tho she was always against it? meh. feels like with the plot thiccening she was swallowed and now shes like a crutch for johnny mora than anything, which is disappointing.

aisha was cool and im kinda mad she wasnt in s3, especially bc a storyline with her tory and sam was like RIGHT THERE , but also... cant say i was super super fond of her... doesnt feel like we ever spent enough time on her

moon the bi icon, 

overall its a good cast but the main draw for me remains the og cast 

the tory/sam miguel/robby Thing. enjoy how theyre Narrative Foils and i like how their stories were so dramatically entangled but oh god give me a break with the teenage love square for the love of god. if u gonna put us through that at least have the decency to not make it so straight

and honestly some sam/tory        miguel/robby romantic tension would even make more sense. just saying! 

also im not sure how i feel abt the cobra kai: red miyagi do: blue theyre going with since some of daniels most iconic looks in tkk are also red. like it was a color they (johnny and him) sorta shared. i get it, opposite but complementary but idk... a little too fire nation and water tribe for me .

 and like the cobra kai kids are so funny abt it bc their outifts grow progressively more ridiculously coordinated. its like do they group chat every morning before leaving their houses? 

robby still sticks out like that tho. he went thru an athleisure/daniel san tsleeves phase and now hes back in the bandts grunge, but his color scheme doesnt fully blend with the other cobra kais. hmmmm.

LOVED LOVED LOVED both the okinawa episode and the cobra kais easy rider episode just such good good heart aching fun

bobby is an icon. he was in tkk and he is now ck hope appears more and more

 tommy is like the most iconic background character. all his lines, freaking gold then and now. sigh :( 

the framing in the okinawa trip was so good everything was so good

i stand by the fact that kumiko was the love interest daniel had the most chemistry with and shes is overall such a joy to watch, loved to see her again, idola, fashion icon

also tkk ii is good u guys are just mean

also really enjoyed chozens role in the episode, his evolution; i love that they introduced the pressure points (ty lee the blueprint) and! the honk + karate! cousins! absolutely iconic

when kumiko reads mr miyagis letters........ oh my god, my eyes FILLED with tears, it was so heart wrenching :(( tamlyns delivery was so emotional and lovely and its so obvious everyone involved in ck has so much love and respect for pat morita and mr miyagi as character, and i adore that it exists like this electric current through the show

when we were watching i told my sister i thought that ali would be miguels big shot surgeon and ngl i am so disappointed that didnt happen. hire me cobra kai writers

also the johnny ali daniel amanda chemistry? off the charts

AND the sassy retconning of daniel and alis breakup! LMAO ‘I HOPE U DIDNT TELL MR MIYAGI IT WAS MY FAULT’ HFDJJGNKFKSD

i am preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetty sure back injuries dont work like that    but oke

daniel and johnny are so good together whenever, like they never actually help the kids or get shit done and end up fighting anyway but its just so much fun when theyre hanging

JOHNNY LAWRENCE AND DANIEL LARUSSO FIGHTING TOGETHER

daniels “plan” on how to get robby to juvie was so stupid. literally were u TRYING to make him hate you. dumbass

parents at those hearing rly brave for ppl that did not do ANYTHING as their kids got involved in a karate gang war until now

“bullshit i heard u were the real bully!” i mightve screeched

this s3 ending was SO DRAMATIC omg

everyone is such a MESS go to THERAPY u unhinged motherfckers

also im sorry but uh. a richass neighborhood in california doesnt have some type of neighborhood watch? the larussos rly dont have any security at all? neighbors wont hear the sound of a damn karate brawl happening next door??? also wasnt tory all like ooo i cant go to juvie, my mom yada yada yet shes always running around town getting into fights even at the rich girls house she was kicked out of school for fighting??   ?  ??    ??        ?                ?    ?          ??                  ?    ? girl??

stop destroying the larussos house, its so pretty :((((

sam finding her center looking at mr miyagis picture...  uwu maybe

robby yelling ‘U ARE WEAAK’@  johnny \as he is easily blocking him is like.... so funny and so sad to me. sweetheart. 

also i know it was meant as ‘oh johnny pushes him and HURTS HIM’ but it just looks like robby runs himself into the lockers and IM SO SORRY I FEEL SO BAD BUT IT WAS SO FUNNY 

i like that he and tory are the cobra kai kids now. we need ppl we care abt there to not revert to a good vs evil schtick, and this is the most engaging it could be... tho it hurts that these kids cant catch a break

ah yes "lets bet some real shit on the result of this teen karate tournament bc that is always a great idea" is BACK

so daniel saves johnny from kreese..... maybe johnny will save him from terry 🧐

and dojos unite ohohoho. lets SEE how that’ll work out 

miguels face of Despair when the ck defectors and the md kids are bickering like 'this is never gonna work' : gold

also. Johnny Lawrence is gonna learn some myiagi-do karate AHAAHSJAKDFH

 ive been waiting for this moment all my lifeeee oh lawrd 

final thoughts! there are def things i hope the writers will improve on the next season, but i am very excited for it either way AND i feel like it has made me enjoy the movies even more and that is a win for a reboot/sequel to me!!

#m. #did i procrastinate watching this since it came out and only watched it now bc my sister nagged me to when i said we should #watch karate kid over the holidays? #and then binged the whole thing in two days?? #mayhaps and what abt it #cobra kai #the karate kid #its funn #y bc like karate kid is a Childhood movie but i wouldnt say #it was like particularly special for me? #like i wasnt in a fandom or anything #but now. #i might be invested #maybe #talvez

[lemongogo]

hey im the anon abt gyutaro/ume and i dont remember what happens to demons after they die ?? did i miss smth ? regardless i wanna ask what do you think their fate should be ? cause on one hand i think they're just victims of a cruel world who took the first way out they could find but on the other hand it doesnt rlly justify all the slaughter, and i also think abt the demon slayers who also suffered horrible fates and used it to fuel their determination to save other people from that pain

hi !! i don’t think kny ever explicitly mentions what happens to demons after they die (as in we never have concrete evidence of where they go or how their lives after are spent), but i think the general consensus is that the demons go to hell. 

in some cases, the family can decide to go with them (ex: rui and i think akaza? if i remember correctly?) but their fate is pretty much sealed from that point forward i believe. 

heres a pic of gyuutarou and ume, actually, in chapter 97 !!

but yeah !! thats something i think about a lot tbh. as you mentioned, many of the demons we’ve seen have either been groomed into demonhood (rui, ume, susamaru, etc.) or had their pain and suffering exploited (akaza, gyuutarou) for the sake of advancing other demons’ plans (muzan, douma, etc). so i agree ! a lot of these characters are unfortunate victims in themselves and its impossible to view their stories without incorporating the struggles they’ve had to face as both humans AND demons. especially considering that lots of these individuals experience muzan’s abuse regardless of their status relative to him (such as with the upper and lower moons). i think this is best explained through akaza’s relationship with muzan,

(ch. 67)

(ch.156)

and further explored though tanjiro’s observation of rui’s death. he notes that being a demon, for most, is an existence punctuated by extreme grief and despair, and that’s equally supported, i think, by the humanization of these demons following death. that their original conscious is restored (albeit with knowledge of everything they’ve done) and are oftentimes plagued by the guilt of what’s happened.

(ch.43)

what he says here is probably what sums it up for me. that while it’s important to condemn these demons and hold them accountable for the truly awful things they’ve done, it’s also important to consider the suffering they've experienced through existence alone. its so !! complex !! and thats what i love about kny. i love how .. you have some demons who are entirely despicable and bask in the carnage they create, but you also have some for whom demonhood was simply what appeared to be the only answer towards living a healthier life or righting the wrongs that’ve been done to them (usually with false promises and manipulation unbeknownst to them). and .. its so hard to figure out where to.. draw that line. or view these characters at least. because you sympathize with their pain, but you also realize that their actions have caused endless pain for many hundreds of people. tanjiro losing his entire family, giyuu losing his. shinobu watching her sister die before her very eyes, and kanao the same. the ubuyashiki family’s curse or the slaughter of himejima’s children. you look at characters like sanemi, shinobu, or giyuu and understand that you cannot invalidate their view of demons either. while kanae and tanjiro may find hope and humanity in demons, they exist as monsters who feast on pain to everyone else. its important not to discredit their perspective when making a personal choice to observe the demons’ hardships yknow. shinobu’s anger is just as warranted as tanjiro’s optimism and that neither are wrong for how they personally feel demons should be handled after death. 

im like. AAAAAAAA theres so much to it , its really hard for me to condense into a few sentences AHAHA im so sry for making u read this if u still are. but . i guess i’m not too sure. i think maybe, had i experienced the same pain as those above, it would be easy for me to say the demons deserve to go to the worst hell imaginable regardless of what they’ve gone through because that history isn’t accessible to everyone like it has been the audience (or that they’ve seemingly made the conscious decision to cause harm w/o understanding the ways in which demonhood obscures their original conscious/morality). but at the same time, you have those like tanjiro whose world view is shaped by positive encounters with demons like nezuko, tamayo, yushirou, etc. where it seems very evident that . theres more to it than what meets the eye. 

one of my friends ive talked to about this had a rly good perspective on it thats kinda stuck with me since !! she said she likes to view their conclusion as some . separation of identity?? if that makes sense?? that the demon side of them goes to hell while their human form goes to heaven (or division into whichever afterlife). and !! i think thats a really neat interpretation because there’s obvious descrepancy between demon personas and human personas. that the demon personas are like. exaggerations of their flaws, almost (akaza becoming hellbent on battle spirits and physical victories when hajuki’s fury & determination was fueled by love in a sense) while their human personas are the truest sense of self. and depending on which influence there is (muzan vs the appearance of loved ones), their identity changes accordingly. so ! idk ! thats one nice way of looking at it. holding their demon personas accountable while also recognizing that many of these characters deserve some form of healing after many hundreds of years of abuse. its hard because ofc i don’t want to negate the harms they’ve caused but its also? not cut and dry given the environment they were placed in and the fact that muzan’s blood essentially removes their humanity against their will you know. so in this way at least you have both forms of self receiving the proper conclusion. 

whwhwhw so im. !!!!!!!!!!!! ah !! i can’t say i have a definite answer but i think the one above is smth thats comforting to me. i think the story settles with sending them to hell once they’ve regained their past self but also .. “softens” it by providing them company by their loved ones who are willing to go w them?? so thats rly cool to look at too. because it holds them accountable for all that’s happened but also.. recognizes that they’re not wholly responsible for it either and that .. even in hell they’re able to keep their connections and human emotions/experiences . its tragic yet oddly. fitting, i think, of the kny narrative. while i like the aforementioned interpretation, i also really.. appreciate the way its set up in canon too. like yeah i want the best for them but also. it fits in with the tragic nature of demonhood and what it meant for them all. oddly enough. 

u make a good point too !! about demon slayers experiencing the same hardships but using their pain to help others. i think a lot of it is plainly chalked up to luck in terms of.. what they were exposed to following tragedy. how shinobu and kanae were saved by himejima, tanjiro saved by giyuu, kanao picked up by shinobu and kanae, sanemi given the guidance of kagaya while akaza was killed by muzan during his lowest moment, ume and gyuutarou were cornered by douma, rui misled by muzan, etc. i think circumstance is definitely a large factor in determining the paths that were taken. such as sanemi’s anger being validated and heard by ubuyashiki vs, say, akaza’s same anger being intentionally exploited for muzan’s gain.

aaa anyways. theres a lot 2 be said about this. like. SO much on my mind and obviously the extent of muzan’s abuse goes far deeper than what’s briefly mentioned here but.  i love talking about the complexities of kny . and how i view the demons vs the corps and how each of them have grown into their respective stories . AA but ill end it here THNK U >> also so sry for making u read thru all of this i get so excited i could talk abt kny all day long if i had the chance AAA 

#Anonymous #asktag #tldr: UH im a sympathetic bitch who wishes for some form of recovery for Some demons while also #finding it necessary to hold them accountable. #and easy way to do that is to split identities between human and demon persona but thats mighty convenient for such #a large issue so . the current narrative is probably the one i still oddly like #just bc the little peace they get before descent into hell is. really big #and their support by loved ones following them thru is also. really big #anyways. ya viri i thot of what u said bc its so good #its been a while so idk if its the exact version of how u view it but thts how it stuck w me JSBFSKBFSBJF #naywaysb I LOVE KNY AAAAAAAAAAAAA screams #kny #kny spoilers #kny manga #save for later

[peacheenie]

hl1/2 gordon scentric hc time

im rly feeling half life in this chillis tonight so....some....hc’s about everyones favourite free man, i have a lot so enjoy

-he’s actually mute and uses sign language but only about 50% of the time cuz people either don’t know what he’s saying or he can’t do it whilst holding like 20 different guns/weapons to protect himself so instead he makes big gestures a lot or writes down what hes trying to say (pretty much everyone at black mesa could understand him via sign language so he was very comfortable using it, during hl2 however he has to keep reminding himself not everyone is fluent and it frustrates him to no end)

-when he tries to speak it hurts and the most sound he can make is mumbles or little sqeaks so if theres ever a time he needs to alert someone to dangers reeeal quick he ends up hurting his throat a lot to try and make some kind of warning noise thats loud enough, he can hum tho and enjoys humming along to music as well as when he’s signing to try and convey some kind of emotion along with his facial features of which he emotes a LOT

-his hand writing looks like that of an actual dotors and its neat cursive but very hard to read so if he’s trying to write as a form of communication he just defaults to caps with big spaces inbetween and people (barney) tease him about it constantly (barney)

- hes incredibly short sighted without his glasses and ends up squinting a lot without them on and since he’s usualy default bitch facing he just looks very angry all the time when really he just cant see anything please dont be offended sir he didnt mean to upset you

-is actually very scared all the time abt like everything, hes literally just a scientist who just happened to be “the right man in the wrong place” and was just so determined to try and save those around him during the cascade that he pushed thorough his fears and anxiety to try and get the job done but he def has some form of ptsd after it all, barnicles specifically really freak him out because getting strangled and slowly lifted off of the ground into a row of razor sharp teeth is fucking TERRIFYING and he wouldnt wish it on anyone

-only reason he knows how to use guns is because barney would regularly take him down to the shooting range during their breaks and they’d see who could shoot straightest after a few drinks, barney would always win.

-after hl1 when he was put into stasis and he wakes up in hl2 hes lost like 20 years of his life and hates that fact terribly, all his friends have aged around him but hes still in his 20′s when he shouldnt be and he hates it so fucking much

-he also finds himself missing the feeling of the HEV suit terribly during the begining of his re-awakening in city 17, he’d grown so used to the feeling of it on him and keeping him safe that it makes him anxious without it and the cold air on his hands is also uncomfortable so he prefers wearing gloves all the time, when he finally gets the HEV suit back it feels like a weight has been lifted and he can finally stop worrying, the suits voice is also a comforting sound beccause its familiar and a sign that he’s not alone, same goes with the healing station and suit charging noises; they’re a comforting sound to hear and he enjoys humming along to the vrwwwrrrr vrrwwrrr vrwrrrrwr the machine makes when he plugs into the port

-he worries about overdosing on the healing stations a lot though; the morphone they give out is indefinite and once during the casade he’d passed out from taking to much and woken up to a zombie very slowly approaching him from down a corridoor but with how drowzy he was it was it was a horrible struggle to lift the gun and fire between dozing in and out

-he gets attached to people quickly since also during the cascade days he’d regularly meet people in danger who only had him to keep them safe so he tries his absolute hardest to make sure he can protect people even if that means he gets shot in the process, the suit usually protects him/heals him anyway so he’s used to it and if theres danger he almost default/automatically moves infront of people to make sure they’re okay without any concern for his own safety

-he also reeeally likes antlions and will pet them any chance he gets, he tried to do it when he first saw them and almost lost a hand so it makes him upset he has to kill them but when he finally gets the bug bite from the vorts? ohhhhohohoh he pets so many antlions, it again makes him sad he has to use them as like fodder for turrets and stuff but if an antlion comes back to him after taking down a turret or killing a combine he gives them extra pets and becomes a very proud papa

-since hes technically in his 30′s (and would be nearing his 40′s had he not been in stasis) he feels more of a big brother/fatherly bond toward Alyx since he’d also met her as a baby and finds any romantic involvement with her awkward, (so Elli’s comment on him “wanting grandkids” he ends up slapping the man on the arm with a frown to which Eli just laughs) this doesn’t help his attachment issue though so when they have to seperate to do things away from the other he worries for her safety even though she constantly assures him she can take care of herself and he KNOWS she can. he still really can’t help but worry though...

after hl2 ep2:

-when eli dies i dont like to think they all straight away go to mossman and instead get to spend some time mourning at the base, this gives gordon some time to finally sit down and relax for a little bit but he finds it incredibly hard to even take off the HEV suit at first because to him there was no passage of time between being put into stasis and waking up in city 17 all those years later; he’d closed his eyes, went into the portal and then the next second awakened in a completely unfamiliar place, in unfamiliar clothes with unfamiliar people (he definitely had a panic attack before geting off that very first train) and the thought of that happening again when he’s not prepared is terrifying.

-when he does finally take off the suit (after a lot of helping and reasuring from alyx, kleiner and barney a LOT from barney; theyre very good friends (;) he takes to wearing very comfy and heavy clothes such as jumpers, ponchos etc as well as a bullet proof vest because it makes him feel safe, the HEV suit gloves he retires entirely cuz theyre gross, definitely covered in his own blood and have been through hell so instead he has a bunch of different pairs he cycles through depending on how he feels that people around the base give him after learning about his fondness towards them

-he secretly carries a gun around with him even when they’re not in any danger becaus it’s another added layer of security and becaus he literally can’t trust things to not go bad EVER; now though nothing will go wrong again on his watch because he’ll be ready for it!! this really doesn’t help with his nerves though since he’s constantly looking for something to go wrong

scene specific hc’s:

-i always think abt that one specific sene in the train that gets derailed where alyx is trapped by a stalker and gordon has to pull it away with his gravity gun and i always imagine him franticly pulling it away with so much alarm on his face and such panic, when shes free though and has to stop to catch her breath gordon would give her a hug and make sure she’s okay cuz it must have been terrifying to have that thing screaming inches from ur face, gordon just instantly  goes into protect mode

-another scene that always comes to mind is when you first encounter an advisor and it makes that horrid loud noise where alyx is holding her head; i imagine gordon almost dropping the gravity gun in a panic to try and cover his ears because he doesn’t handle loud noises too well and it freaks him out so much alyx has to help him get out of the room since he kind of locks up on hearing it

-same goes when you get trapped by an advisor in a barn and almost become food for it; gordon is absolutely terrified at getting so up and close without being able to move that when it finally does drop him he starts hyperventilating and alyx has to protect him from the oncoming combine for a little while before he can catch his breath

-last scenes but some of my favorites are the ENTIRE sections of gordon being up close with breen, 

first being the teleporter malfunctioning and when gordons heavy breathing i imagine hes trying super hard not to start freaking out/hyperventilating and when breens doing his “i want that twink obliterated” spiel and then looks up and says his name, gordon almost looses it and internally is like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

second is when youre trapped in that like...metal contraption thing the stalkers are carried in and brought to breens officce and that entire section where breen is talking directly TO YOU i just adore it becausee gordon would have been looking away awkwardly unable to actually respond and furrowing his eyebrows at the nerve breen has upon thinking you would ever agree to any such terms and would definitely also spit in breens face as a response just like alyx did since he can’t use words

okay that is all, if you read all of these you’re amazing and i love u and also gordon hes an amazing “character” because i can insert as many of my own quirks into him as i please because valve literally never gave him a personallity :^)

#half life #half life 2 #gordon freeman #headcanon #long post #text post #headcanons #ive been meaning to compile all this stuff into one for years now so here you go this is my gordon hes a mess

[iitsforyourowngood]

so that teaser huh....they really doing our boy like that...

i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again. connie’s relationship with steven is super important and needs to be implemented more for steven’s own wellbeing. connie while has made herself connected to the goings on of the “gem side” of steven can very easily take herself away from that and steven as well. steven yes has other human friends, like the cool kids, and sadie and lars, but they’re all older than him by a few years. they’re all off doing their own thing. besides their relationships were never really like,,, close friends you know. but connie. connie is different. she while aware and familiar with gem stuff, also loves reading and going to the movies! she CAN spend the entire day with steven doing nongem related activities. taking a break and being teenagers. 

the gems are noticing this now that he’s not as fun and spontaneous as he was and it looks like they’re going to try and change that, but... idk i think it’ll be successful for the episode but i can’t see them having as much of an impact as connie would to get steven to have fun again. they can tell him he can’t go help little homeschool today, but tomorrow? steven is such a “I need to do everything myself” person, that i think he would go right back to it. and i love the gems i do but there is much about being human or experiencing time that is different to them, idk if i can see them consistently trying to keep up that idea that steven needs to take a break and that he doesn’t have to adult all the time. 

connie also on the other hand knows how detrimental this behavior can be. like not to just be like always thinking abt dr maheswaran; but steven’s whole have to do all of my responsibilities, can’t take any breaks or be fun, and doing things w/o asking for help; like that’s dr m. and connie is def familiar abt how that kind of behavior isolates urself and pushes ppl away even if you don’t mean to. 

i really wish they hadn’t stuck the prepping for college already narrative on connie. like... it is framed as this is really what she wants to do, and i know they have established connie being a good student. but like u still end up with the asian and nerdy trope... there is no context that tells us how her parents feel abt all of this, but based on the portrayal of connie’s mom as a tiger mom, it’s easy for a watcher to assume that reasonably they’re really supportive of this and probably have pushed her to study more. which just... doesn’t sit right with me.

the maheswarans have grown a LOT as characters despite the little screentime they’ve had. letting connie go to homeworld was a big thing for them. to see how they started its just like people can change? idk how anyone got through any of the gem stuff without having a realization that life is fleeting and could just stop. that sort of adult realization, with them trying to maintain trust with connie by letting her have more freedom, to me that just feels like people who kinda don’t care what connie does with her life as long as she’s happy. if she is doing what she wants she’ll figure out a way to do it. and maybe i am projecting my own headcanons and feelings on to them and this, but it just... makes sense to me that maybe after homeworld... things would calm down a bit.

and again totally understand and get it, if connie genuinely wants to be a very academic person and her own ambition is wanting to get a headstart. it’s just... it could’ve been done SO differently that wouldn’t feel as much like the asian and nerdy trope and could be there for steven’s sake. 

like i understand you have to introduce what’s been going on with everyone at the start of the epilogue. like all you literally had to do was explain that she was busy with school and extracurriculars .... because it’s true and believable and doesn’t feel too extra. like school hours take up most of the day and if she has stuff going on after school like homework, violin, hell nothing told us she ever dropped tennis, like all that as a high schooler can keep anyone busy until 9pm. im sure she’s made other friends too to hang with like jeff. just by said she’s been at school you eliminate the idea that in her free time all she does is work and study.... 

if you REALLY needed the world to know connie was working on college prep too, it’s a simple throwaway line to give to her that’s like. “i’ve gotten started on college prep/i’m thinking of getting started on prepping for college” but you have to give her this line while she’s hanging with steven or leaving hanging out with him. because then you’ve established that connie is literally just not studying. that she HAS been hanging with steven. 

even grace rolek couldn’t be apart of suf for whatever reason it’s as simple as name dropping connie every so often. or show her leaving scenes. like, to be heading out before steven has to take care of something else. or steven saying is going to hang with connie later. even if one of the gems ask where’s connie been??? it’s like helping establish that she is important to his life and it’s noticed when she’s gone. instead she tends to get treat as a convenient person for steven to have around but when she’s not needed she makes little impact on everyone.. which SUCKS. it just feels unfair to her as a character.

but anyway like i was saying. connie connects steven to his human life and can help take him away from gem responsibilities and her appearance is desperately needed. some people have speculated that it’s possible she’s gonna come in near the end and help to steven. and just if she shows up at the end to like fix steven or whatever. it’s gonna suck. because then she’s basically cemented herself as a character only there to help the main character. (which again is another popular trope among poc characters...) instead of a fully fleshed out character who it feels natural to have helped steven along his journey of healing because she is an important person to him. 

#THIS GOT REALLY REALLY LONG #IM SO SORRY #its so messy im just frustrated with suf and rambled #anyway... connie's treatment lately has been not good... #and im tired of her fitting into tired tropes when she could be more than that u know #connie maheswaran is essential to steven universe's mental health #suf actually needs to be equally fixated on the humans of beach city just as much as the new gems #it's their home too and we deserve to see how they interact with these fucking aliens living there now #not to mention how beneficial human contact is for steven when he gets older #robbing us of what ppl love to call filler episodes are actually robbing us of important development for steven to have. #anyway............................ stream doug out..............

[queenofthefaces]

For character headcanons, Steven from SU?

1) sexuality hc: you know I’ve never really thought abt steven’s sexual/romantic identity, and I think it’s jus bc in terms of SU I focus a lot more on other characters with shipping, prob bc Steven and Connie is a ship I support and it’s essentially already canon, and I prefer shipping scenarios where I can explore a non-canon ship falling in love? I have very few ships where they’re already canon, even fewer where I engage in fan content w the ship if it’s canon :0

But with Steven, I think....well, maybe he’d be pan? I imagine Steven as someone who never really needed to think about his attraction, it just *was* and he just let it be/let it happen, so he wouldn’t necessarily label it hyper specifically if he labeled it at all. He’s attracted to he ends up being attracted to and doesn’t really think abt it. (Which is why I go w pan, bc for me at least a way to interpret pansexuality is jus like. Who are u attracted to? ¯\_(ツ)_/ whoever I’m attracted to)

2) otp: connverse!! The way those two are handled in the show is really wonderful ;;o;; I love how they’re close friends first, and the romantic stuff doesn’t feel like it stresses them out bc it’s smth they’re exploring together. Instead of having the pressure and fear of a crush on a friend, it’s this mutual, slowly blooming relationship of two ppl who care abt each other a lot and just want to be together in whatever way works for them

I can’t super see other ships w Steven, mostly bc his dynamic w other gems doesn’t really feel like they’re equals? Like I think I’ve seen Steven be shipped w peridot and spinel, and it feels like they’re unequal bc Steven was the one kind of....”fixing” them or he had the emotional upperhand, but with Connie they were both equals the entire time bc of how their relationship was founded (when they were both younger and just as lost/confused as each other)

(Plus I prefer those characters w other ppl lol)

And I also don’t think the show has enough development with Steven and someone like Peedee for me to think it’s believable as a ship, I just don’t know enough about peedee or his friendship with Steven, and considering how much I know abt Steven it again feels uneven—it feels odd to me for someone so uninvolved in steven’s journey to be the person I’d ship him with?

Though I can see the potential for an interesting ship in both cases, I just think connverse is the stronger contender bc of how well they were set up and developed :0

3) brotp: the relationship between Steven and amethyst developed really wonderfully and shows how much Steven has grown up ;;o;; in early seasons it felt like Steven was a little kid w a rambunctious sister who’s about a decade or two older than him—they goofed around but it wasn’t really a serious relationship between equals

And then as Steven grew older and developed further his relationship with all the gems matured—but his relationship with amethyst was recontextualized so that they’re both the underdogs together , and I love the concept that as Steven grew and learned to use his powers, he still looked to amethyst for guidance and support, which makes her feel important bc they can both support each other

Their friendship just means a lot to me ;;o;; 💕💕💕

4) notp: uh idk prob shipping Steven with garnet or pearl. With amethyst or some of the other gems (like the aforementioned spinel and peri) I can see someone having a dynamic of adult Steven + the gem and it being fine. It’s not my ship and I don’t really like shipping Steven with the gems but I can see it. But him with garnet or pearl feels really squicky to me, mostly bc those two felt much more parental in their relationship (esp with garnet) but also bc of their hangoups over home world/rose just would make a romantic relationship feel too messy for me. I personally hc garnet as aromantic, and I prefer pearl w amethyst bc I love a potential development between them where ame was someone pearl never idol worshipped and they could grow as equals

(Can u tell I love ships where the characters are equals/on the same level in terms of emotions or power? Yeah)

5) first hc I think of: hm, again this one is kinda tough bc I don’t really engage in su the same way I do other fandoms and I think it’s jus bc of how story driven it is? So, hm. It’s hard to come up with a hc that isn’t me speculating on smth that I want to come up in the future episodes or that’s already accepted canon; and I think a big reason is bc Steven has a specific identify related character arc that’s ongoing rn, if we didn’t have su future I could prob have an easier time w this but yanno

Anyways I think one hc I have is the idea that Stevens like, never been to a traditional schooling system, and he was mostly taught by Greg and Pearl. I like to imagine he wouldn’t ever really need a formal education and wouldn’t ever get one, but maybe in the future he’d get his GED online bc of legal stuff esp w his relationship to Connie (marriage, buying a home, children etc) like it would jus make things easier but I don’t think it’s necessary

Or hc that there’s weird parts of his biology he’s jus never thought of? Like he doesn’t particularly need to brush his teeth bc he’s never had a cavity and can’t actually get cavities? Or his wounds healing too quickly, esp internal injuries—like Steven who’s had internal bleeding that just goes away in five minutes w/o him noticing. And on that regard, Steven having a literally inhuman pain tolerance

6) one way I relate to this character: I don’t think I’ve really related to Steven on a personal level, except for maybe the idea of “the loved ones you looked up to aren’t perfect and your relationship with them can shift bc of that” HAJSKDKFLG

7) thing that gives me secondhand embarrassment abt him: uhhhh....,I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve really gotten secondhand embarrassment from Steven since early early seasons where he was really young and naive and a little dumb. Now I’m just.....wincing in sympathy for him bc he desperately needs to talk to someone. Boy needs therapy BADLY

8) cinnamon roll or problematic fave: he’s a PURE CINNAMON ROLL. As in, he’s definitely got flaws, of course, but I think in interacting w him it’s more along the lines of “he’s a good person with a lot of issues and flaws to work through eventually”

I think I take this question as like, how do I prefer to portray him? And how tough am I on him w characterization and stuff.

(Send me a character and I’ll fill out one of these hc questionnaires)

#creo talks #long post #steven universe #iamtypinglike98madmen

[luna-vista]

9 (what does your OC’s bedroom look like?) - 38 (how does your OC react to and handle stress?) - 50 (what secrets does your OC have?) - 58 (how does your OC take criticism?) - 63 (how does your OC display love?) - 69 (haha) (what is your OC’s favorite kind of weather?)

this is kinda very long so here’s a read more

9 - what does your OC’s bedroom look like?

(i could draw these but eh also these answers aren’t really what their rooms LOOK like i suppose. oh well)

PJ’s had the same bedroom since birth practically, so a lot of his room is a mess of stuff he’s had since childhood like old toys, school art projects, glow in the dark stars, etc plus whatever he’s acquired over the years (drawings from milo, books he’s picked up from the thrift store). It’s constantly shifting in levels of cleanliness, as it just gets messier and messier until PJ finally gets into a mood and cleans it all and then the cycle repeats. No matter how messy it gets at times though, PJ always has a particular way that he Likes it to be and absolutely will get upset if its messed with. It’s his safe place away from the world.

Milo’s bedroom is more suited to his current tastes than PJ’s but even then, his parents had a lot of say in it. from the carpet to the furniture to the color of his bedspread. It doesn’t /wholly/ feel like it’s his own. It feels a little more like? The version of himself that he presents to his parents/his parents want him to be. The most that’s his is whatever trinkets he finds to decorate the space with, or the things that he keeps hidden away from his parents. 

38 - how does your OC react to and handle stress?

PJ’s natural reaction to stress is to just pretend it doesn’t exist. He will keep that stress locked up behind closed doors + silently suffer until it just becomes TOO MUCH and shuts down and then he needs to just have a lie down and recover.

Milo also ignores stress but instead of just having it on the backburner, he’ll just! forget about it! like “that’s a problem for future milo”. Any incoming due date is pushed til the last minute and he’ll go off and do as he pleases until he realizes oh shit! and then freaks out until he finally does it and is like “oh that wasn’t that bad” 

50 - what secrets does your OC have?

I wouldn’t say they’re necessarily /secrets/ but PJ does have a lot of things he just doesn’t tell people on the basis that 1. he does not have many people he’s close enough to to tell 2. he would not really know HOW to communicate it or 3. he doesn’t think that that person would care. Of course, tho, his one big secret as a teen is just how much of a crush he has on Milo, which he is keeping from Milo himself. And then again, not necessarily a secret per say, but as he gets older + starts the band: keeping his private life, well, private. 

In the past, Milo was a very open, honest book and told everyone everything. In fact, it was a little bit of a problem that he’d go off and tell random people certain things. But as he got older, it’s more the opposite. As it turns out, overbearing parents make for very secretive kids. Throughout high school, Milo keeps pretty much anything personal as a secret from his parents (later on, though, over a period of healing, he comes to trust them again. ofc it won’t really ever be the same but it’s something). 

58 - how does your OC take criticism?

for pj, not well!! he very much believes that he has to be Naturally Good or The Best at something and if not, then he might as well give up. He’s not used to failure or rejection and turns away at the prospect of it bc it’s like. He thinks people have come to Expect certain things from him and if he doesn’t meet those standards then he’s worthless. there is no room for mistakes in this household! Getting older, he does somewhat learn that it’s okay to mess up, or to not b perfect, but, while it may not be as bad of a reaction, he does still feel a littlle bit like “guess ill die”

Throughout childhood, Milo’s gotten p used to criticism whether it just be like “you’re doing this wrong” or more harsh like “that is bad! don’t do that”. It’s sucky and does dampen his spirits but again, he’s used to it, and has come to terms with the fact that sometimes he fucks up! or sometimes people just don’t like him! i guess!

63 - how does your OC display love?

PJ’s not all that big on verbal affection, even something as simple as compliment like “I like your hair” feels weird in his mouth. he just thinks its awkward, and isn’t used to verbalizing touchy feely stuff. So he displays love more through small little actions. Stuff that’s just like showing you a meme or a song he think you’d like is just his way of showing that he cares abt u

Milo’s grown up in an environment where it’s typical to throw out casual ‘i love yous’ and hugs so he’s not shy about showing his love! if he loves you, you WILL KNOW! milo will make sure that you know!!

69 - what is your OC’s favorite kind of weather?

PJ gets cold easily so he likes sunny, clear days! He likes the feeling of warmth and sunshine but really, he will take anything over rain cuz he finds it annoying and then ur clothes get all soaked and they stick to ur skin and your hair gets wet too and it’s yuck

Bc he’s from Utah, Milo loves snow! it reminds him of family and playing in the snow as a kid and snow days where he gets to stay in his pajamas all day. Ofc, Luna Vista is in Cali and doesn’t get snow at all so he looks forward to the winter holidays when he gets to go back! 

#this is v long and hopefully coherent #i didnt proofread any of this #ask #pj marshall #milo summers

[hanjisungz-archive]

I love Jisung's speaking voice too, but I can't really understand without subs so I don't really catch the details. But he says his s-es in a peculiar way, I think? Anyways, what I always admired about Jisung at least in the translations is that he puts his wording really carefully and he doesn't speak about things in a way your regular 18 yo would. I remember him talking about the ups and downs in life and like, few months later I hear almost the same words from my therapist 1/2

2/3 and really, i wasn't too surprised. Just ended up smiling at how much of a grown up he is, despite his very outgoing attitude in front of camera? Uh huh, I don't care if it was week, two months or years ago. The thing is, everyone works themselves out in their own time. We are different and something that for one would be easy, will take enormous effort from someone else. Healing is a process and even then it might leave everlasting scars. So, yeah, don't rush and also! If I ever say3/3 someting that makes you feel uncomfortable let me know. Because I tend to be quite bad with my words... Anyways! Don't push yourself too hard, k? You are doing well 💕 - J.

omg i know !!! yea i guess im lucky bc i can understand them (most of the time, unless they talk super fast *cough* minho *cough*) but i noticed that jisung does maybe have a lil lisp ?? i could go on and on lol but i totally get it, hes v v intelligent and well spoken i rlly admire that abt him !!!

and ah yea, honestly i think its more of a scar, since ive gotten over it but i dont think ill ever Forget ya know ??? but of course !!!! and yea ill let u know dont worry lovely 💕💞💘💌

#thank u for being understanding !!! #yea everyone heals differently #j anon #anonnie #britt answers

[poppymadness]

💖 HQ, Knb, All Out, Free, BNHAand DnA I think you watched at least a little bit of it, didn't u? And since I know who some of your favorites are already u can just rant about why u love them

@naturalpeaches said:💖 can i be an ass and say twdg even tho ik the answers p much OH the last kingdom. bring it to ur blog amber. talk about it. accept it.

💖 listen those 2 weren’t enough. give me the raven cycle. give me the foxhole court. give me six of crows. giVE ME CRIMINAL MINDS HAAAAA BITCH. why not throw the 100 in there too. also talk abt ur boo in the sun is also a star. give him some lovin

💖 N A R U T O

hope it’s cool just to throw ya both in here bc i’m lazy

haikyuu: (3) kuroo tetsurou - iiiiiiiiiiii fucking love kuroo sO much, a huge tall not so dumb dumbass god. i don’t know what to say dfkhka i fuckin Love him thanks dude. i nEVER FORGET THE FUCKIN LAUGH GOD FUCK FOR FUCKS SAKE skjfd. whenever i get in Kuroo Moods they last SO long i can’t get a break. and gamer au kuroo is killer it’s too good. listen he’S A BIG FOOL and i LOVE him want the best for him bc he’s great, good, good dude. i also rlly fuckin love terushima man ooooo my god, imagine him and kuroo bein buds hORRIBLE

kuroko no basket: (1) kiyoshi teppei - mY BOY KIYOSHI AAAAA. hE’S EVEN T A L L E R mmmm 6′4″ the fuck mann. we know my love for this dumbass i love him so so muuch fuck. thought it was kuroko at first, bitch no. I LITERALLY DIDN’T KNOW I LOVED HIM TILL AFTER I FINISHED THE WHOLE SHOW. like, just, the more i saw stuff involving him the more i was like ooo no no waiT i LoVE HiM i screamed when he showed up in the second opening when we rewatched it oooommggggg. he’S SO GOOD I HOPE HIS KNEE IS HEALED I HOPE HE GETS TO PLAY BASKETBALL AS A LIL SIDE HOBBY OR SOMETHIN HOPE HE’S FUCKIN HAPPY!!!!! whY DOES HE SELF-SACRIFICE SO MUCH BOY OOO MY GOD WHEN HE REALIZED THE TEAM GOT HIS BACK TOO BITCH HE SO CUTE. mmmmm  i love hiiiiim bois. also love akashi i keep finding it funny ur intimated by him cj

all out: (4) ebumi masaru - i can’t. i can’t explain why i love him oR WHY HE’S SO HIGH A FAVE GOD. this whole fandom is like Those Thighs and make ebumi all about fuckin sex like what a Tough Boy like yA HE BUYS (rents? whatever) PORN THAT’S FUCKIN SO FUNNY TO ME BUT MMMM he. more. i nevER STOP THINKIN BOUT THE EP WITH ISE THAT EMO SHIT DO U SEE HOW MUCH EBUMI CARES BOUT HIS FRIEND GOD Fuck. like yeah, just take the money. this is what was left for me but idc here take it u need it i stg season 2 better be in the works i want more of his backSTORY. oh hE FUCKIN BLEACHES HIS HAIR WHAT A PUUUUNK, HE TRAINS SO HARD HE CARES SO MUCH ABOUT RUGBY GETS P I S S E D WHEN PPL HALF-ASS IT LIKE?? FAIR ENOUGH. OH THETY ACTUALLY DREW HIS HAIR DOWN RIGHT ADJHF A OoO FUCK TAHT. i’m good it’s cool alright bye gion, raita & ise are my best friends thank

free: rin matsuoka - i. thought it was nagisa at first. i wanna cry fuckin nagisa jesus. good boy but hell no. rin?? is so sweet i’m sorry fuckin flew haru to australia & shit he’s so good i love him. i gotta do this i’m srry FUCK whoever thinks rin would be abusive with haru thx. i havE A RIN POSTER G O D

boku no hero academia: todoroki shouto - i literally didn’t have a fave in this show until one (1) specific episode in season 2 with him. thought i was gonna live forever not having a fave in this show. i had actually been growing to like him and was like No, i told myself to not like him bc he’s so popular hdkfa. and then that ep came and i was like,,,oof i Love him, love love love what a goOD BOY. he’s…so cute..comin to terms with his powers still can’t get over he interned with his dad he just…..wants to improve…is improving…..so good.

daiya no ace: ? - ok, i never developed a fave while watching it, at least not where i got to. i don’t even remember where i stopped oof that’s bad. but i had thought at that time that i rlly loved chris?? eijun is precious, i fuckin love him. miyuki is great i love him too. also really loved kuramochi?? so if i had continued i think it would’ve been one of em.

the walking dead game: kenny, luke, clem, gabe - pls don’t make me choose… kenny…tried his hardest to be good, worked his ass off till the last moment to improve himself and didn’t get the redemption he deserved. that man is good, he was just pushed to his max and couldn’t get back down. luke, luke is a sunshine boy who was too good for the world, a positive outlet could make anyone happy, did his best, didn’t deserve to die. cleM MY BADASS B A B Y HAS GROWN SO MUCH I LOOOOVE HER AND CAN’T WAIT FOR HER HAPPY ENDING TELLTALE YOU FUCKS I AM BEGGING YOU1!! gabe…annoyed me at first…stole my heart….just a boy thrown into the apocalypse tryin to be happy…he’s doing his best, he’s learning, truly not such a brat as assholes make him out to be. nick my boy i’m so sorry i would’ve included you ur so close

the last kingdom: uhtred & alfred - i love uhtred the godless and king alfred of wessex very much indeed. uhtred is just a wreck honestly, this danish bro got a lot goin on he just wants the land he deserves i just say he’s bein greedy, go be happy under alfred’s rule i still love u tho uhtred u dumbass. alfred! got the peace he wanted! i love alfred so much he wants to be a king without war unless he’s not given the choice, cares about his family so much, afraid he’ll be punished for the crown that’s not rightfully his own. alfred is so good, i love this man.

the raven cycle: (5) adam parrish - mmmmmmm what a good boy. an important boy, a very much loved boy. iiiii hate havin his pov sometimes, some relatable things in there, i love him so much. he’s not. his father. thanks. gotta say that a lot wanT HIM TO KNOOOOOOOW. he’s so good he’s improving himself he’s doin it!! go adam!! goD ASHLETY I KEEP THINKING OF THINGS YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN TOOOOOOOO. mmmm it’s ok to still be stuck and to have bad days he doesn’t have to get over it right away!! it’s not somethin that’ll just be over!! dhfad smALL STEPS my boy i love u…. all bc, he…legally free (tryin not to spoil dfhjdaf).. don’t mean he has to be over it…take ur time adam. i’m thinkin of the emo thing in trk fuck wrong devil dkhfad. i just wanna cry he’s so good worth so much ronan & i will fight any and all fucks who wanna Go. i!! love him!! he deserVES TO FEEL LOVED AND TO FEEL HOW TO LOVE MMMM COOL i’m gonna stop i’ll just repeat myself - i just thOUGHT OF THE ‘FUCK YOU GANSEY’ WOW FIRST BOOK FUCK B YE

the foxhole court: …andrew minyard… - idk man?? it’s so lowkey?? it’s chill i literally don’t even have anything to say. nicky, neil & dan are my squad love em.

six of crows: jesper fahey - idk what fuckin bitch ass mood i had to be in when i read soc but if i wasn’t in it jesper would totally have been my fave. i wouldn’t take him away from wylan anyways (statement kiiinda counts for the two aforementioned also whoop). jesper?? deserves the world, but so does everyone else they all deserve the world even u bitch ass brekker who would not deal with my bullshit ever. 

criminal minds: aaron hotchner - god ashley screw off askin me for cm. love hotch, would die for him, too good of a guy.

the 100: bellamy blake - is a fuckin whore. iiiiiii love bellamy so much. bitch ass goes from a punk i hated to a good dude to a punk ass influenced by some huge ass prick dick and then struggles with himself for the next season and will now hopefully feel a bit better at least for gods sake. all bc you’ve done bad things doesn’t mean ur bad bell… i still never get over fucking pike taking advantage of him when he was vulnerable fuck off i just want him to feel better!! take responsibility but don’t let it push you down fucking get up!! you’ll get up!! mmm he’s so good he just wants to make everything right but clarke makes everyTHING FUCKIN GO WRONG. i just…not everything is excusable but he can make up for it he will and he’s worth it,,,, people gotta forgive him at some point he’s trying his hardest to make up for everything and he keeps beating himself on it mmmmdfahdf i love him

the sun is also a star: daniel jae ho bae - idk what to say about him ashley god fuck. he’s so cute though?? what a cheesy dude. ugh literally so cute i gotta reread it

naruto: kiba inuzuka - what a prideful ass i fuckIN LOVe him thx. i mean i was fuckin doomed from that start he has best boy akamaru & fuckin has a jutsu where he turns into a wolf?? and his fuckin mom and sister have wolves?? doomed before i even fuckin knew it. he’s soooo cute, never take his fuckin hoodie off idk what’s cuter him trying to look tough in that hoodie that everyone literally thought was hair or havin the hoodie off and showin his actual hair that somehow makes him cuter,,, what’S HORRIBLE IS THE LEATHER JACKET OR WHATEVER IT IS HE WEARS IN SHIPPUDEN fuckin idiot. imagine him as hokage i can’t believe he wants to be hokage it’s so funny i’m sorry kiba i’ll support u just give me a minute to catch my breath. guys he’s just so cute, trains so hard, he’s so good i love him enthusiastic boy

#this is so long i'm srry #i didn't even rant in all of them either #also like #clarification not prob needed but numbers- where the top five r in the top five #i didn't rant enough about kuroo even tho i'm in a kuroo mood now lOL #idk what to say about him?? i just love him so deeply #and so many things are more headcanon-y #so idk

[zhuhongs]

new sage zhuhongs lore that no one asked for just dropped.... the guardian brainrot origin story (abridged bc some things actually ARE too personal for me to share on tumblr but this is a watered down explanation why im insane abt guardian) under the cut. as always.. its fucking Long (like 4k) also cw for abuse ments in passing

It’s now the 4th month of 2021 and so far my year has been squarely categorized by my obsession with Guardian. This obsession is absolutely no coincidence, it came to me at the absolute perfect time. I feel like I’ve said it all before, but I feel the need to say it again, over and over until I can finally fully separate myself from this feeling -- until I’ve finally gotten it through my head.  Guardian was here to teach me about myself. Teach me who I was, what that former self really looked like, and then gave me something to embody. Something to strive for and make me really grow from my previous misguided attempts at caring about others in all the wrong ways. 

Perhaps now is finally time to part with it. I don’t think I’ll ever fully part with it per say. The fact that I feel compelled to write this is proof that Zhenhun has a very special place in my heart. But still, I want to get the bulk of my feelings towards it squared away. It’s time to make peace with it. I want to be able to enjoy other things and move on. Like an old uniform on graduation day, it’s my last time wearing it. From now on I’ll fold it nicely and put it in a box to stumble upon it in the future and smile at the memories made with it. Smile at the me who used to wear it and reminisce about what was and what now is. All of my writing is a time capsule to myself. For my own sake, I want to take responsibility for my feelings. If I don’t do that, I feel like my emotions will just be left to hang without getting it’s due process. I just want to ache and revel in these feelings until I’m satisfied with it. And at the moment I’m not satisfied. I feel like I haven’t properly said it. Even spanning the 32 pages I've written on the matter in my review and in my reflections, and all the projecting in my fics, I didn’t say it right. I didn’t get to the meat of what I felt for this show and what I feel for these characters on a purely emotional level. In all my previous writing I felt like in a way I was distancing myself from who I am and what specifically made me feel this way. In a way, the fact that I am writing this, documenting it in words, betrays the rawness of the emotion I felt. But alas, I must write it, because I don’t know how to be any other way

I still haven’t fully learned from my past relationships. I’ve changed but I haven’t grown much. I didn’t become a healthy adult, but I want to. I think I’m in the process of doing so. But in the recent past I took another path, I grew to resent my exes and blame them to varying degrees. And then I finally made peace with them all. Some of them I can’t contact anymore, and some I’m better off not contacting. Most importantly, I made peace with my most recent ex. I talked with him, apologized and let him apologize to me. This was how it was always meant to be. I couldn’t blame him anymore, how could i? I learned to understand him and resemble him. What we did was immature, we’ve both realized it now. Time to let the past be the past. Time to grow up.

This finally brings me finally into Guardian and more specifically, Zhu Hong. I love Zhu Hong so SO So SO very much. She’s the kind of character that resonates with me so personally that I don’t think I’ll forget about her for years to come. I have a few characters like that but Zhu Hong (as well as Shen Wei but we’ll get to him later) has made it into the core list of characters that If I was a serious kinnie, I’d kin them. Zhu Hong’s infatuation with Zhao Yunlan so heavily parallels my own feelings towards my ex in high school it's absolutely insane. She doesn't love Zhao Yunlan in a way he understands. Her love is misguided. She tried to be devoted and self sacrificing but that manifests as her being like “I'll cut ties with my clans for u” which is something Zhao Yunlan would never want. On a fundamental level, she misunderstands Zhao Yunlan as a person. He would never ask anyone to sacrifice themselves like that for him. It’s a meaningless sacrifice. It yields nothing but pain. But in her head, she is promising him everything she could possibly give. Why can’t he see how much she loves him? Why can’t he reciprocate? She doesn't get it. She has an image of him in her head and that's not him! This is exactly what I felt about my ex. I would do anything for him, I was in such a bad place and he was the only person that made me feel okay. Why couldn’t he understand how I loved him? Why did he tell me that he wanted to see me find someone that I could spend the rest of my life with? Why did he say that he wanted to be friends with me long enough to attend my wedding? What I wanted was him!! Why didn’t he get that.

But of course he got that. He knew that I wanted him, but he knew that I didn’t really love him. It was just an idea of him. He was trying to let me down gently the whole time, and it wasn’t registering in my head. I was the one who got attached and misinterpreted things. He was doing what Zhao Yunlan did, letting me down gently at every opportunity. When she said she’d betray her clan for his sake, that she wore high heels to be the pretty version of her that he liked, how she begged Zhao Yunlan in tears to love her, and said if he can’t love her, then at least leave her to a place where she can feel love -- it cut into my skin like a razor. I saw myself in Zhu Hong and just like her, I pushed harder and harder so my ex would finally see me as an option. Until it finally culminated in me figuring it out the hard way. I saw every risky text I sent and every desperate letter I wrote, and every calculated piece of clothing I wore and everything about the way I acted towards him. Looking back on it, it was all so sad. 

I thought I loved the idea of someone being able to love me and distract me from my family situation. I thought I loved the familiarity and the way he was considerate of me. I did care for him for himself too but I didn’t love him in a way that he could understand. I was too intense, too unwarranted, too desperate. When I think back on some of the things I told him, some of the texts I sent him, god. I feel so ashamed of myself. It was so intense, unsightly -- it was ugly. Not in the self loathing way either. Like really, if I showed you screenshots of the things I said you’d ask what the fuck was wrong with me. Those weren’t things you were supposed to just tell someone. It was inconsiderate and borderline manipulative. It wasn’t right. Given my circumstances, I understand why I acted like that, but it doesn’t excuse my actions. 

However, I loved that ugly, desperate girl that I was. I love her, I comb her hair and treat her well. I mother her. She was so fragile and deserved so much love. She got some of it, and she's on her way to receive more of it. However, I cannot be her forever.  I can’t put people on pedestals and promise them things they don’t want. I can’t love misguidedly. I need to understand people and understand myself. I’ve grown a bit. Right before watching Guardian I actually reached out to this ex after two years of not talking and we reached a mutual understanding of both of our faults at the time. It was really nice. It was healing. I’ve moved away from the person I used to be, slowly, I’ve become more whole, and happier with myself. 

So much of my current self has been in response to myself in highschool. Not just with my ex, that's just one isolated event. But that behavior was in relation to something broader. There are so many little things that happened that I look back on and just question why I had to be like that. In all aspects, I'm just so embarrassed by how I acted. I'm moving away from acting like that and wanting to do things for people that they genuinely didn't ask for. I don’t blame myself for how I was, I really don’t. Given the abuse I was living in, all my actions make sense. But now that I’m away from that household and away from my father, I’ve been taking a lot of time to reflect on myself in every way possible (as i’m sure many of you have witnessed). I can’t always live by blaming others. My circumstances can explain why I do something but they don’t justify them. You need to separate yourself from the unpleasant parts of your upbringing and evaluate how to live a happy life. This is a big theme of the Guardian drama.  Yezun does what he does because he cannot address his past. He can’t see past his “betrayal” so he takes it out on others. Many of the other side characters also have this same issue. They can’t accept the unpleasant things in their lives and move past it, so they take it out on others. 

It's no coincidence that the current me that doesn't want to do that to people currently looks at Shen Wei and is like... Oh hello I want to be Just Like You. Zhu Hong was this way too. When she realized that she couldn’t compare to Shen Wei, she tried to figure out why that was. She attended one of his classes and confronted him, all trying to figure out what it was that he had that she didn’t. What he had was purpose and understanding. He’s not obsessed with Zhao Yunlan nor does he put him on a pedestal (in the drama, if I don’t specify what version of Shen Wei I mean, I usually mean drama Shen Wei). He knows that obsession will only lead to ruin. Zhu Hong needs ZYL’s attention, she craves it. She goes out of her way to do things she doesn’t want to do to get his attention. Shen Wei doesn’t do that. He purposefully doesn’t seek Zhao Yunlan out until they meet naturally. He has other things to do when he’s not with Zhao Yunlan. He is complete, he has people he cares about and a duty to protect. Shen Wei loves Zhao Yunlan but can live without him. He wants ZYL but he doesn’t need him. He is better with him but can do without. Zhao Yunlan thinks Zhu Hong is using him as a distraction, as something to project her love onto because she doesn’t have much else to love. Because if she really understood him, then she’d never do the things she did. She’d never say she’d cut ties with her clan or offer to face danger with him. He doesn’t want that. He wants to see her become a fully realized person. Not someone who is one sidedly devoted to him with no other cares. He wants to see Zhu Hong grow. Zhu Hong, Shen Wei, and Zhao Yunlan all spoke to very different yet very personal parts of myself. And these three characters all did the same with one another. It was a very… interesting thing to watch. It made me crazy. 

Before I do a deep dive onto why Shen Wei resonates with me I want to take a step back and talk about Zhao Yunlan himself and not just his relationship to others. The thing about Zhao Yunlan that just makes me crazy was his self sacrifice. I talk about it a bit with Zhu Hong but I’ve always just loved the idea of self sacrifice. Yes that’s bad, I know, I know. Let me continue. I think about the way he decided he was going to burn for the sake of humanity and that it wasn't a bad thing. I was an honor in a way. To burn himself and light up others. I’ve always wanted to be able to sacrifice myself and let my pain be meaningful. Because if I was going to be in pain anyways, why not make it count. Zhao Yunlan (and Shen Wei but this isnt about him yet) did just that. He sacrificed and neglected himself over and over again and at some point people became concerned. And I always had situations in my head where I did that and people finally saw the pain I was in despite my best attempts to hide it. But Guardian also taught me that sacrifice just for the sake of it is meaningless. You need to build yourself up first before anything you sacrifice can be meaningful. Like the storyline with Lin Yusen. He wanted to catch the criminal that killed his crush and constantly put himself in harm's way, but it was useless. He wasn’t skilled enough to catch them and ultimately he got in the SID’s way. And that’s what I have been doing all this time. Putting myself in harm's way for nothing. It was meaningless because I had no meaningful self to sacrifice. It was pain just for the sake of it. Just like what Zhu Hong was offering Zhao Yunlan. All of the aforementioned things were staring me directly in the eye while I watched Guardian. It was a sign. A sign that I needed to pack it up and stop looking at the idea of someone and change myself. I needed to stop myself from these unhealthy thought patterns and grow into something new. 

This now finally brings me to Shen Wei. I just resonate with Shen Wei -- all iterations of Shen Wei -- in so many different ways that’s unbelievable really. I never would’ve thought that a character could be so personally tailored to me at this moment, and yet here he was. What Shen Wei had that hit the combination of everything 20 year old Sage wanted was that he that he was a professor, as well as graceful and restrained yet still perfect at reading and comforting people, had tendency towards self sacrifice and self neglect, and also just had the Peak aesthetic for me. He was the absolute perfect character to project all of my issues onto and also look towards to rebuild myself as a better more adult version of myself. 

First I want to talk about Shen Wei as a teacher. I’ve said a lot about my relationship with teaching and academia but I’m gonna repeat it. I have a very long complicated relationship with academia and teaching.  Ultimately, I always loved school. I saw it as an escape from my family and a place where I could be myself, mostly unmonitored. Since I was abused and quiet but also talkative -- academia was the perfect outlet for me to voice myself growing up.  I was quiet with my peers, but in class I could go on and on about the material because it was acceptable and even encouraged for me to do so. So I indulged in it and made learning and being smart my personality trait. Because I felt that that was all I was good for. After all, I was an Immigrant Daughter™. I had to be smart to prove that my parents' sacrifices were worth it and to keep them happy. But that’s how I felt my entire life and thus made academics my thing even when I knew that I didn’t have to be the best. And teachers always liked me and praised me. To the point where I saw my teachers as more on my level than my peers. Due to the trauma I just could never relate to my peers and felt so alienated from everyone so I drew more and more into academics and yea. I always wanted to be a teacher because I saw how much I admired my teachers and how they made me feel seen. I saw them as like a stand in adult figure for my parents that were not always around and when they were around.. Well..yk. That’s not the healthiest things lmao… here we are. I wanted to be a good adult figure in the lives of kids like me.

As a teacher I tried my best to do that. To get on my students' levels and to let them have fun in my class and let it be a distraction and have them trust me and thus learn to trust others. That was the underlying goal in all of my work. I loved teaching for the way I got to see into my students lives. And a lot of it was really sad. I taught elementary students and hearing some of them tell me about how their parents were in jail much like my own father was hard.. It was really hard.  I hope I could’ve taught them something of use. Or at least have been a small place of comfort to them. They taught me so much about being human and about caring for others. I just. I have so many thoughts on teaching and Shen Wei echoed those sentiments very clearly to me. I really love his teaching philosophy and the way he treats his students. In the drama he said to Zhao Yunlan that there are no bad students, only incapable teachers who don’t try hard enough or something along those lines. And that really reflects my policy on teaching. One of my students said something to me once like “you must hate our class, because we;re all bad kids.” And I was frozen in place for a second like “Absolutely not!! There are no bad kids. Anyone who told you that is a liar. There are only adults that refuse to listen to kids and get on their level.” and I really truly mean that.  Watching him made me double down on my approach to teaching and I’m very excited for my session to start again in June.

So with that context, seeing the way Shen Wei cares (like truly cares!!) about his students was inspiring to me. Shen Wei is kind and warm to others because he sees himself in them. The most notable example is with Li Qian. The first time he sees her necklace and asks about it, she gets defensive and puts it away. And he backs off and stops asking because he, too, knows what it’s like to keep something like that and not want anyone else to see it. When Li Qian is in the hospital after her suicide attempt, he brings here food and sits with her and listens to her. The way she speaks about her grandmother hits him like a truck. Rewatching the first episodes, it is so interesting to watch Shen Wei’s expressions, they tell SO much. In this scene he looks particularly Affected. He knows exactly how Li Qian feels. They parallel each other really well. She cares about her grandmother as the only person to show her love and becomes upset when she does so much for her and brings her back to life at her own expense only for her grandmother to act like a different person. This is how Shen Wei feels about ZYL and Ye Zun in a way. Zhao Yunlan was the only person to see him and he goes to great lengths to pay back all of his debt to him, but given the timeline situation, Zhao Yunlan doesn’t understand that. When Li Qian describes the similar situation with her grandmother, he understands. He understands because he knows he’d do the same for Zhao Yunlan at this point and Zhao Yunlan would not get it. Because to him, the two have only met a few days ago but for Shen Wei they met years ago. And also the same is true for his feelings towards his brother. Because he knows how much he did for his brother and how he mourned him and really truly thought he was dead because they were both tricked, but Yezun hates him and Shen Wei can't help but be mad towards him. He sees how Li Qian acted and can’t help but to see himself and a path he could’ve gone down if the circumstances were different. This quality is one of the many things I love about him.

 It literally drives me insane because I’ve really learned to do that recently. Like not to project (i am.. Thats like the point of this) but Shen is very “i love everyone because I love you.” He loves people, cares about them, empathizes with them, and wants to help them because of the love he’s received from others. Simple small acts of kindness resonate with him for a long time and he keeps that kindness in his heart, knowing one day it will come back to him. And it’s just so good!! I’ve really come to realize that and want to embody it. All the kindness people show me is just so inspiring. I still have a turtle figure that a girl gave me in 4th grade when I was in the hospital, I remember when someone gave me their parking pass at uni when they were leaving so every time I go, I leave mine for someone else, I remember my coworker that bought me a water when I left my wallet at home, just!!! People!! We care about one another. And small, meaningless things can be a world of change for someone else. And Shen Wei really just reflected that for me and that’s why I love his character so much. I want to be like that. In every way, I want to radiate the same warmth and understanding but also have the strength and knowledge behind me to be reliable and dignified. 

(there was a lot more but this is most of where it got into Deeply Personal territory so yea.. <33, maybe someday i’ll share that one but not today )

IN SUMMARY In all iterations, Shen Wei and Zhu Hong get me like no other. They both hit for me in incredibly personal ways and I’ll just never forget about them and what they did for me at this point in my life. They’ve cemented themselves into the core of my personality and I’m always going to remember them and how they reflected my past and also my present. And hopefully, in some ways I will succeed in moving forward like they did and look back on it fondly. Regardless, I’m never gonna forget Shen Wei or Zhu Hong. They both mean too much to me in a very personal way for me to ever truly forget that. Of course, this intensity will fade but at my core, these characters are too perfect to forget. Congrats you two, You’ve joined the ranks of Minori, Kiriyama Rei, Homura and Honoka Maki in terms of characters that will never leave me. I hope that one day I can graduate from some of these feelings and live how I want. Live the way you’d want me to live. Till then, I’ll write these feelings down. Over and over again, in varying levels of eloquence, until I can finally absolve myself of these feelings.

#🐌.txt #IM FREE.. FINALLY #im gonna start shl tonight MWAH

[ilygsd]

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the only reason i even like this ugly fkn cunt is because we’re so similar. or at least were, he’s grown a bit more than me so i obviously appreciate his help and experience and knowlege or whatever.

but fuck him in the fucking asshole, not only is he a white man, not only does he get triggered by ”i hate whites/men” and ”ppl listen to u cus ur a white man” and takes it SUPER PERSONALLY and accuse me of fucking attacking him and shit. hes acting like a fucking dick when we’re fighting and the thing is……. HE REFUSES to admit when i say we’re similar in the way we fight??? he’s like ”no, im not” and im like YES BITCH YOU ARE YOU’RE ACTING LIKE A FUCKING CHILD

he’s so fucking aggressive, manipulative, guilt tripping and just…. COLD. i swear what the fuck is wrong with him? i’ve met him 3 times, and we’ve fought 2 times. ive known him for like 2 weeks and we’ve already had 2 major fights??

the only reason im not fucking murdering him on the spot is because 1. im not a fucking idiot. i know my limits. i CANT control him, i CANT manipulate him. i dont have any power over him and 2. i fucking like him?? if i dont apologize he’s going to go on for fucking ever and eternity??? i like him and im actually genuinely sorry that he’s hurt even if he’s a fucking pussy who got triggered over smth as petty

like excuse ME!! the way he fights is REALLY triggering for me??? the first time i was terrified. it was like flashbacks and shit i cried for a whole day and i hadn’t even met him back then. i was SO SCARED and SO SHOCKED. because IT IS I who usually have his position. it is I who usually put people in their places, NOT the other way around. i HATE being scolded, feeling like a worthless little piece of shit

i knew that i should’ve blocked his ass because that can really be SO damaging to me. also there’s a risk im goong to explode as well and we’re just gonna trigger each other and fight to death…. but i didnt because i was too god damn curious of what he had to offer. is it really possible for me to be happy as well? is it really possible for me to heal and grow like him? ERHM well obviously he’s not in his ”complete form” yet, fucking psycho when he get angry, but he’s pretty happy and kind and positive generally

i worried so much about me draining him with my anxiety and issues but he said he wouldnt let me drain him. he said he always put himself first and the he basically would leave if i try to pull anything on him. why the fuck did i even worry about him when he’s trying to manipulate and guilt trip me?? I AM SO PISSED. HE REALLY TRIED TO DO THAT THAT STUPID MOTHERFUCKER.

during our first fight it worked because i was SO SHOCKED, as i said. and i was SCARED. but fuck him in the asshole he really- he really tried to FUCKING DO THAT TO ME

he accuses me of being disrespectful of his limits when he goes fucking bananas, everythings happening so fast i cant even process what just happen, i dont even have the time to apologize cus hes all over and everywhere. and he’s so fucking threatening. he’s like ”if you dont…..” and he doesnt realize what the fuck he’s doing?? i apologize because 1. i hate these fights and 2. i like him i dont want to hurt him but he’s like ”i have nothing to apologize for”

STUPID FUCKING CUNTBAG YOUR UGLY TECHNIQUES ARE WAY OVER MY LIMITS, YOURE DISRESPECTING ME 101919X MORE THAN I EVER DISREPSEXTED U BY CALLING U A WHITE MAN.

(also can we talk abt how this motherfucker understabds that whites and men are privileged but he still doesnt get why reverse oppression isnt a thing and that it is GROUPS that are privileged and NOT individuals??? like he’s that fucking dumb)

that shit actually HURT!!!! i think he’s really immature during fights, i think he’s really fucking pathetic and i’m glad i’ve come to that conclusion rather than beating myself up. yes, i now understand that this is probably what it feels like for the counterpart when im fighting with them and im fuckig sorry that im acting like this psycho

BUT!!!!!! what really HURT was that he HONESTLY TRIED TO MANIPULATE ME. if i hadn’t called his ass out this time he would have gotten away with it AGAIN

bitch, he’s fucking 23 years old. he’s 4 years older than me. he also KNOWS!!!!!! i have a stupid crush on him and he STILL!!!!! TRIED TO GUILT TRIP ME, TRIED TO MAKE ME OBEY AND SUBMIT TO HIM, GET DOWN ON MY KNEES AND BEG

im so pissed and a part of me wish i would just have exploded but i couldnt because it was fucking 1 am and my family was asleep and i couldnt fucking shout at someone over the phone. also it actually made me feel a bit superior and mature when i was all calm and he still was upset (even though he wouldnt admit it, stupid proud brat. his voice changes distinctly). okay YES, i MAY have patronized him a little but also NOT!!! i was just really tired and sad and i still liked him so like….. i was just upset and trying to calm him down

its kind of hilarious how i had to tell him to stop sounding so aggressive and he was like ”im not” and i was like ”yes you are” and so he actually KIND OF stopped and it was easier to talk to him. wow i feel so powerful lmao. omg in really not any better than him am i? i know im not because no matter how much he denies it…….. im literally exactly the same when i fight 😔😔 i tell myself i wasnt like that because i didnt WANT to, because i want to be MATURE but a part of me honestly thinks its just me knowing my place. i like him more than the likes me, he can use that to his advantage, there was no reason or possibility for me to dominate him.

im still very pissed though and just because i like him i still REFUSE to follow him like a little puppy. ive been so worried ALL this time that i wouldnt be able to keep up with him intellectually, that he was too good for me, too smart and too kind. PFFFFFFFT!!! im sorry but i swear i was just idealizing him or smth. its his fucking voice and scent, its like a drug it makes me all calm and dizzy but objectively…. dont fucking let him manipulate you. if he ever makes you feel like yo should apologize and that tou did wrong, ask yourself WHY. an east escape is not the right answer. call him the fuck out. i think and hope he avtually would appreciate it as well……. even though he’s so fucking stubborn and proud OMG HES SO PROUD I CANT, I AM PROUD TOO BUT NOT TO HIM. or maybe a little since i now refuse to fucking message him, maybe a little bit manipulative but no, im still mad, the way he acted lady night was fucked up. why does he have to be so proud with ME???? is it because he doesnt feel as emotionally connected to me as i do? yeah probably

that stupid motherufcker…. when i told him ”instead of threatening me that you’re gonna hung up if i dont ’respect’ aka BEHAVE accordingly…. you could just say ’hey im not comfortable talking right now, i need to hung up’ AND HE WAS LIKE ”but we’re not that close-/but we’re not that emotionally-” or something like that and i was like……. is this dipshit clown really serious?? ”uhhh its more like COMMON SENSE AND RESPECT” and he was like ”yeah maybe…” YEAH MAYBE? NO YOU KNOW IM FUCKING RIGHT

god that piece of shit really thinks he has me wrapped around his finger or something. im attracted to him but what he doesnt understand is that he’s still a plain white man. he had NO IDEA how much im controlling myself by even letting myself fall for a white man. does he really think he can like…. i sont know?? i fucking asked him. because i said ”i dont demand or threaten you” and he was like yeah i know. and i was like woahhh…. wait a second….. ”do you think i dont because i like you? do you think i would just follow you whatever?” and he was like ”im not gonna answer that”

oh my god he really thought didnt he. stupid ass white boy really thought i would choose him over myself or any of my siblings of color. smh poor jack.

im going nuts. okay…. if he EVER pulls something like this again i wont be so sure i’ll be able to handle this on a mature level. the worst thing is though that i HAVE TO. because even when i DO, he’s so fucking ptronizing. like te WHITE MAN just jumped out???? if i were to lose my shit……. ITS SI FRUSTRATING AND ITS EXACTLY WHY I CANT BE WITH A WHITE MAN. i was avtually very fucking calm and he STILL managed to make me feel like i was the ”bad guy”.

ughhhh im fucking insane. this…… whatever the fuck our relationship is cus this boy is apprently only interested in me what the fuck that now even means?? okay so we can like hang out and be physical and cuddle and shit but we’re not a couple and its NOT limited to being exclusively us. apparebtly i should still feel flattered though?? cus he doesnt find anyone attractive and he needs some sort of chemistry??? im sorry boy but i am NOT flattered. you do you, i get it, it takes time for you to fall in love with someone but im obviously still much more emotionally invested. that not your fault. thats my problem. my abandonment and attatchment issues. honestly im so fucked i cant even differ my feelings. my feelings for him are strong but idk what they are. some days i feel like platonic friendship, other days an older brother, a romantic partner and sometimes even a dad/parental figure. like im that fucked up i just need a STRONG BOND i dont care what

i low key hate myself for how i ended the call yesterday. thanks to that, now i cant bring this up again. its too late. the fight is ”over”. i was like ”i still like u bye goodnight sweet dreams” but now im like ”i hate u ugly bitch”.

god my head

#diary #jo