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chaoticspacefam · 3 years

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Elven Rambles About Character Builds

So! As we know, SWTOR’s body types (especially for the women) are sorely lacking in proper variety in-game. It’s something that’s always bothered me, and I have specific images in my head for how I imagine each of my main girls to look in terms of their figure. But the problem is, for all of them, none of the in-game body presets that are available come close to their actual builds, I’ve just had to settle for “eh, I guess this is as close as I’m gonna get, whatever”

I’m putting the rest under a cut because it gets quite long, I do talk a little bit about the slavery plot point of the Inquisitor storyline so that’s something to be aware of before proceeding, but it’s mostly just a lot of me rambling about my dumb space children so be prepared for a lot of reading, I guess (there’s pictures too tho!) haha

Aria is certainly the “worst” for this, because while she has a “baby” face, her torso is a lot chunkier, and most importantly, she’s short, ya girl’s 5 ft 1 for God’s sakes! I don’t know if it’s just my eyes, but to me, BT2 looks the “shortest”, so even though BT4 is probably the “closest” I can get in game to her overall structure, it’s too tall for her. So, I’ve ended up having to “settle” for BT2 even though it makes her look way too slender, really. (honest to God, can we have someone on character design that doesn’t insist on every woman having a perfect hourglass figure because “they have to be that way or they’re not attractive”, PLEASE Bioware! Bigger, round or square, or pear-shaped or whatever, ladies, can still be beautiful too!)

And let’s not mention that there’s such a vast difference in all the different male body type options (look at male BT2 and male BT3 for instance) And yet for the ladies, the differences are so subtle that I honestly have to squint to see them (and yes, I have kinda crappy eyesight but it should be more easily noticeable, if you can do it for the men you can do it for the women, you fucking cowards) because that’s a whole other rant. ANYWAY

SO, Ela shared the link to this site in our wonderful SWTOR content creator discord that I’m resident in and of course my brain went “wait a minute, I can use this”

So I did. It’s certainly not perfect but it’s good enough to give a much closer representation of how I imagine their builds/shapes to look. As mentioned I have a general idea of how I want them to be shaped in my head, but it helps to have a visual reminder when I’m trying to draw them, so now I have been making these silhouettes to add to their (new) ref sheets when I get round to em

This is more along the lines of how I imagine Ari to look. She’s smol, and very square-shaped, with a fair bit of fat on her lower half especially (it all goes to her hips, I feel ya girl XD) So, I reiterate again, BT4 would be “correct” enough in terms of the pudge and the general shape, but it’s way too tall-looking in all the cutscenes I tried it in. So, BT2 was what I “settled” with, but this is the sort of build she should have.

and then in-game, Vano, Ni’kasi & Saarai are all BT3, because it’s the only “tall” option, but there’s a big problem with this because as the only option, it means your character has to be “tall and perfectly hourglass” which is....not the case really for any of them. There’s literally no options to have a “tall/big” lady but also have a different build or muscle structure and it frustrates me to no end, because even though they’re very close in height, their body types couldn’t be more different.

Exhibit A, the twins, put side-by-side to really show the difference between them:

Saarai is a 6 ft 3 wall of pure muscle, she’s a literal tank & even though she’s fit, she’s very “broad” in stance & stature, she does have a sort of hourglass dip on her hips but it’s very subtle because she’s just that muscly (thanks dad, she’s definitely your kid pfpfpfpf) Ni’kasi, on the other hand? She’s only 6ft, she took more after mom than dad height-wise, and there’s no way for me to show it easily on this silhouette (I’m working on other stuff & don’t have time to make an edit in Sketchbook just for this post), but she actually did get Kissai’s broad shoulders...the problem is, that unlike Saarai, Ni’kasi hasn’t had a steady, healthy diet after she got turfed down the social ladder into the slave pits. Poor diet (and a shortage of enough food, too, they had to keep her in line & stop her escaping somehow, obvious solution: “make sure she’s too weak to even think about it”) means she’s a lot skinnier and more “twiggy” than her twin. She’s not grossly underweight anymore, obviously the Overseers and Zash had to make sure she was fed up properly to gain enough strength to be able to train & then run around the galaxy killing things at Zash’s bidding, BUT because of the malnourishment she suffered at that point in her life, she’s never going to get as much muscle as Saarai did and even though she’s a healthier weight now, she’s still slender. She has more of an hourglass than her twin, but her hips are much narrower than her shoulders, so it’s not as prominent (and even this silhouette has too much of an hourglass for her as is, but as I mentioned earlier, don’t have time to make the edit myself rn, will do it later XD)

And finally, Exhibit B, Vano:

Now, I would argue Vano would be the closest of the three to being pretty much BT3. But note “the closest”, not “exact”. Why? Vano’s 6 ft 2, so she’s only an inch shorter than Rai, but their builds are very different. Saarai’s a beefcake, but Vano’s a Mirialan, so she’s got muscle, but she’s lean and tall. Vano here is about 80% or so legs and 20% the rest of her body, she’s got legs for daaayss and that’s what gives her the height, but apart from a six pack, you won’t actually see most of her muscle, whereas Saarai could flex with her guns out and you’d totally notice.

This got very long, so if you made it all the way to the end of this post of me blabbing about how I wish the body types had more variety & why I want that for my girls, I appreciate you very much, have a cookie! 🍪 🍪 🍪 🍪 🍪 < take one and pass it on as they say ;) hahaha

#swtor #long post #elven's swtor headcanons #elven's character references #< a new tag for later that'll have all their refs in once i've made them. plus i want to be able to find this later when i need it lol #i don't think this warrants a ''critical'' tag necessarily bc it's mostly just me babbling about the girl's builds/muscle structures etc.#there's a *teeny* bit of criticising but anyone who's played the game by now should've noticed & i don't think it's unfair to point it out #tw: slavery mention #(canon-typical inquisitor storyline but ya know)#i'm on the fence abt whether to add these silhouettes to the bio page in the pinned post #it'd mean i have to make them for the others on there which i don't have time to do rn #i've only done the four mains so i could talk about it with the visuals in this post #but maybe when i have time i will :D #swtor oc: vano shenly #swtor oc: aria saal #swtor oc: saarai ahaszaai #swtor oc: ni'kasi ahaszaai #the ahaszaai twins

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chubbymoongoddess · 4 years

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Minjoon|| Hybrid AU||

The day had started out dreary for Namjoon. The sky was filled with dark rain clouds and it had been pouring since he had woken up. With a sigh, he had rolled out of bed and made his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth before he got dressed for work. Upon checking the time, he realized he was running a little late so he decided to skip breakfast and instead grabbed his keys, umbrella and suitcase and left his home, making his way as fast as he could to work. Thankfully, he had made it with just a few minutes to spare, causing him to release a deep sigh he had been holding in since he left his house. He already knew this was going to be a long day.

Unfortunately for Namjoon, the day was in fact, a long one. Meeting after meeting was attended and frankly, he had a migraine because of them. So, he quickly packed up his things, say his goodbyes to his coworkers for the day and headed out of the office.

“At least the rain stopped.” He thought.

Taking his usual route home, the tall, young man sighed once more. Maybe he’d stop to get something to eat on the way home? That way he could take a shower as soon as he got home and then crawl into bed for the rest of the night. Maybe he’d even read a little before he passed out. His thoughts were quickly interupped by a weak crying noise coming from the alley he was passing.

Now, Namjoon usually didn’t pay any heed to strange noises like this. He’d usually keep walking. But this? This cry? Sounded like something or someone needed help. It sounded pained. So, carefully, Namjoon made his way down the alley, peeking around trash bins and dumpsters to see if he could find what was making the noise. The closer he got, the louder the crying got. It was behind a few large boxes that Namjoon finally found what has been crying.

A small samyoyed hybrid, curled in on himself and whimpering, peeking up at Namjoon once he moved the boxes. Wait.. a hybrid? Those were rare and you were lucky if you were even able to get a glimpse of one walking around the city, so why was there one abandoned like this in an alley? It was unfortunately still pouring, but Namjoon didn’t want to startle the poor hybrid so, he carefully moved the boxes to the side and crouched down, offering his hand, palm down to the pup.

“Hey there. I’m Namjoon.. what are you doing out here all alone, little one?”

The hybrid’s eyes widened slightly, though he tentatively sniffed and nosed at the taller man’s hand.

“M’Jimin..” He mumbled softly. “Owner didnt want me anymore.. Was called useless and dropped off here so I-”

Jimin’s eyes filled with tears at the thought of being abandoned and how long he had been living in that alley. How long he’s had to go without food. Namjoon, upon hearing the hybrid’s voice quivering, calming tried to sooth him, hand reaching out to pet gently through his blond hair. He doesn’t know what compelled him to say his next words or what he was even thinking, but this hybrid was way underweight. His face was gaunt and he was sure that he’d be able to see his ribs if he were to take his tattered shirt off.

“Do you want to come and live with me? I can take care of you, I promise you’ll never have to worry about living on the street again.”

It took Jimin a few moments to think it over but, this man seemed genuine. There wasn’t a bad smell or ill intention coming from him. So, after a minute or two of thinking, the hybrid reached a shaky, thin hand out to the taller man, accepting his offer of a new home.

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It had been a few months since Namjoon had brought Jimin home. For a few weeks it was going well. He had Jimin eating his special hybrid food, had made him up his own room in one of Namjoon’s spare bedrooms and had grown closer with the smaller man and on top of that, Jimin had filled out to a healthier weight. No longer was he able to see the samyoyed’s ribs. His cheeks had filled out beautifully as well. That is, until Jimin had begged to try a little piece of Namjoon’s steak one night and it had gone downhill from there.

After that, Jimin refused to eat his own food and begged Namjoon to let him eat human food too and how could he resist with Jimin pouting at him like that? So, from then on, Jimin ate the same things as Namjoon did. Now, human food wasn’t meant for hybrids to eat. It caused them to gain weight rather quickly which, is what happened to Jimin.

The clothes that Namjoon had boughten him were slowly getting way too tight, his chubby, swollen tummy pushing against the fabric of his shirts. His ass has started swelling out more as well, causing his pants to be uncomfortably tight on him and not to mention he was now sporting a softer chest, not quite moobs but a few more weaks of eating would fix that. Jimin’s cheeks had gotten chubbier as well as his thighs and arms, not that he himself minded. He was more worried about what Namjoon would say to him.

Along with Jimin’s expanding waistline, his apetite also grew. He used to be stuffed after half a plate of food but now he was having Namjoon make him at least two. Three on a day he was super hungry. This worried the older male and since he didn’t want to hurt Jimin’s feelings with bringing up his new found hunger and weight, he dicided to just stay quiet about it. Besides, Jimin looked happy and healthy right? He himself was beginning to enjoy watching him grow softer too. A few more pounds couldn’t hurt, right?

Wrong. The more time that passed, the more Jimin ate and snacked and the bigger he got. He had gotten used to being pampered by Namjoon, to the point of getting whiny if he didn’t get his way. He’d stomp his foot and cross his arms, causing his belly to jiggle and sway. “Hyung I said I’m hungy! Please! I’m gonna die!” Namjoon would just sigh and get him his food so he’d stop pouting. It eventually got to the point where Namjoon had to make more that one trip a day to the grocery store because Jimin would clean them out of everything within a few hours.

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Over the next few years, Jimin’s eating habits continued as well as his weight gain. It had gotten to the point where Namjoon needed to help him out of bed in the mornings as he couldn’t do it himself. Was the hybrid embarrassed by this? Not at all. He enjoyed it. Enjoyed the fact that he had to have his Joonie’s help for the simplest tasks. He enjoyed his owner turned boyfriend giving him all of the attention in the world when he got home from work. He reveled in all of the belly rubs and touched Namjoon would give him, enjoyed every single kiss and not once did the older male ever critisize Jimin’s weight or how much he ate... alright, except for the times where Jimin goes on binges and eats everything in the house, but he can’t help it!

It’s not like Namjoon doesn’t enjoy it anyway. Whenever Jimin cleans out the kitchen and he can’t move, he begs and whines for the older man to rub his belly, to which, he happily obliges. Namjoon especially loves it when Jimin rolls over him when they’re sleeping and he get’s pinned under Jimin’s enormous gut and the mattress. Jimin always profusely apologizes in the morning, but Namjoon is never angry with him. How could he be?

Unfortunately today, Namjoon has to work. He’s got an important meeting that he absolutely cannot be late for and as much as he wants to stay home and love on his massive, jiggly boyfriend, he can’t. While he straightens his tie, he peeks over at Jimin, humming softly.

“Angel, can you try your best not to eat everything in the kitchen for me today? Just until I get home? If you’re good for me I’ll make sure to buy you extra treats when I go back out to the store.”

Jimin huffs and pouts at this, but the promise of extra treats has him willing to try. With a small nod and another little whine, he agrees.

“Okay but, you gotta promise you’ll get the extra treat! You know it’s really hard for me to not eat.”

Namjoon chuckles and makes his way over to lean over, giving the hybrid a few kisses on his puffy cheeks and giving a small pat to his belly, making it wobble slightly.

“Of course I promise, love. Now, I have to get going, I’ll see you in a few hours, okay?”

With a kiss to the lips and another tummy pat, Namjoon made his way to the front door, making sure to lock it behind him once he stepped out of the house. As soon as that lock clicked, Jimin wasted no time in pushing himself up out of the chair he was sitting in. It took him a few minutes and the chair creacked under him, due to his mass and how much he was struggling, but he made it. He waddled himself into the kitchen to see that Namjoon haid labeled the food he was allowed to eat until he got home which to other people, would be enough for a small family for four but to Jimin it was nowhere near enough to last him that long.

A long whine escaped his puffy lips. He hated this but he was willing to try and be good so, he took the food labeled for breakfast to the table and carefully sat down on one of the chairs there. It creaked dangerously under his weight but the hybrid didn’t care one bit. His stomach rumbled as he dug into his food with fervor. You’d think with the way Jimin ate, he’d make a mess of himself, but he made sure he didn’t waste one little bit of his food. It had only taken him ten minutes to scarf everything down, leaving only a few dirty plates behind.

Damn he really should have paced himself. With the way Namjoon had laid things out, his snack before luch was still two hours away. He was going to go nuts.. Unless.. what if he just ate a few things from his snack plates? That wouldn’t hurt, right? Grabbing onto the edge of the table, Jimin hauled himself up once more, this time, dragging the chair to the fridge so he didn’t have to keep getting up and down. That was a pain.

Carefully opening the refridgerator door once more, he sat back down in his chair, it once again creaking in agony and once again, Jimin ignored its screams. He reached to take a few of his snacks off of the plate, eating them one by one. After the third cookie, he knew he should have stopped but he couldn’t, they were just too good. After another five minutes, his cookies were gone and they didn’t even make a dent in his stomach. He was still hungry.

“Fuck it.” He thought. Sure Namjoon would be upset with him but he’d eventually forgive him and Jimin would find a way to make it up to him somehow. With that thought, he reached back into the fridge, eating what was left of the food Namjoon had labeled for him. His lunch was gone just as fast as his breakfast, causing his tummy to round out just slightly, but, he wasn’t finished. The dinner Namjoon had set out for him was next and it was absolutely delicious. He always made Jimin’s favorites, all the pork and chicken he could eat. It took him a little longer to finish his dinner as it had the most food out of all of his meals, but once the plate was empty, he pouted again, resting his hands on top of his swollen gut.

He looks at the clock that hung in the kitchen and it had only been an hour since Namjoon had left..and his stomach was still growling. Peeking back at the fridge, he shrugged and leaned in, continuing to stuff his face with the rest of the food that was stocked in there that Namjoon hadn’t labeled for the massive hybrid. Jimin had it cleaned completely out by lunch time. Leaning back in his creaky chair, he rubbed gently over his gut, panting quietly as he massaged a few burps out of him, making room for more food. He didn’t want to have to get up again, usually he had his Joonie home to bring him food, but today he had to do things on his own for once.

After a few minutes of massaging his stomach, Jimin forces himself back on his legs, groaning loudly with the effort. He opened the freezer to take out all of the ice cream, waddling to set it all out on the table. That’s when he looked at the cupboards and, to make this the last time he had to get up, went to clear all of the food and snacks from the cupboard, setting them out on the table as well. The hybrid then dragged his chair back over and carefully plopped back down, chair audibly groaning under his weight.

His ears twiched just slightly at the sound, but he couldn’t be bothered as he was already digging into his ice cream, not eating too fast so he wouldn’t get a brain freeze. As time went on, Jimin’s massive pile of food slowly started to dwindle. Containers and wrappers littered the floor but there was not one speck of food on Jimin or around him. He made sure he got all of that into his mouth. By the time he was finished, he was overly stuffed, skin taut and slightly reddened from the amount of food he ate, just like it always was. Leaning back in his chair once more, he rubbed over his stomach the best he could, massaging more tiny burps out of him. Leaning back was a mistake though as the chair beneath him couldn’t take his weight any longer, the legs snapping and bringing Jimin down with it.

The impact of him hitting the floor caused his whole body to jiggle and wobble and he made a small pained sound, cheeks flushing red from embarrassment and arousal. He had to find a way to get himself off the floor. He needed more. Him breaking the chair flipped a switch in him that he didn’t even know he had. Reaching up toward the table, Jimin gripped it as hard as he could, rocking himself back and forth to gain momentum to pull his massive ass off of the kitchen floor. It took him a few tries of him falling back onto the ground, but after a few minutes he was finally able to pull himself up into a standing position.

There was still a cake inside of the fridge that Namjoon had baked last night (assumingly while Jimin was asleep.) Waddling back to the fridge for the last time until Namjoon bought more food, Jimin reached in to grab the cake, turning to look at the other chairs around the dining table. Surely if he sat in them, those would break too and he didn’t want to have to go through hauling himself up again, or worse, losing the cake. Instead an idea popped into his head. Taking the cake to a clean spot in the kitchen, he carefully manuvered it and himself back onto the kitchen floor. Joonie was almost home anyway so he could help him up if he needed after this.

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Namjoon hurried home as fast as he could. He worried about Jimin, especially if he listened and only ate what he laid out for him that day. He knew he was probably starving and he wanted to be there when he was finally able to pig out, just in case he needed his help. He expected to open the door to him whining and crying about how starving he was. He did not, however, expect his boyfriend to be on his hands and knees, massive tummy squished up against the floor with his face buried in the cake he baked last night. His eyes widened and he moved his briefcase in front of his crotch to hide his oviously growing erection.

“J-Jimin!? What are you doing!? Why aren’t you eating at the table?”

At the sound of his boyfriend’s voice, Jimin froze. He slowly lifted his head to look at the taller male, wiping as much cake off his face as he could.

“I..I tried Joonie. I.. I tried to do what you asked but it was so hard and I got super hungry.. I..I can’t sit in the chairs anymore Joonie. I broke one.”

Namjoon was so fixated on Jimin when he walked in, he didn’t even notice the chair until now. Looking over at the splintered pieces lying on the floor, looking like a boulder was dropped onto it, Namjoon had to bite back a moan. Fuck. He, Jimin broke a fucking chair. The hybrid’s voice brought him out of his thoughts though, as Jimin sounded a little teary.

“A..Are you mad at me?”

With a quick shake of his head, Namjoon briskly made his way over to his boyfriend, helping him into a sitting position. Jimin had to spread his legs wide to let his stomach rest comfortable between them. Namjoon inhaled slightly, eyeing his stomach before quickly shaking his head and kneeling down, cupping Jimin’s plush face.

“Honey no, I’m not mad at you. I should have never asked you to hold back on eating when I know how hungry you get. I was just worried you wouldn’t be able to help yourself if I wasn’t home. I.. mm. I have to say I’m turned on though. I never thought you’d break a chair, let alone eat on your hands and knees like this.”

Jimin flushed at his words, squirming in his spot slightly.

“W..Well.. when I broke the chair I.. something switched in me and.. and I just needed more? If you like it so much.. do you want to do me a favor?”

Namjoon nodded, pressing a few soft kisses to Jimin’s messy cheeks.

“Anything, baby.”

Jimin smiled shyly, resting his hands over his stomach.

“Feed me?”

Namjoon grinned, sliding his hands over Jimin’s before giving his tummy a gently shake.

“That I can definitely do, Minnie.”

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Hi this is my frist time actually writing something in a very long while and while I know it’s not the best, it took me awhile to finally finish it. I hope you guys enjoy it and I’ll work on getting my writing to be better the more I practice.

#chubby jimin #chubby bts #feedee jimin #feeder namjoon #belly kink

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mothergwendoline-blog · 5 years

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My Kind of Healthy – Entry 1

Disclaimer: This is a staggeringly homo blog and I will not be offering definitions for the terms used because it would turn my journal entries into a dictionary. If you are unfamiliar with a term you will be able to find a definition online.

This blog contains discussion of suicide and depression. If this makes you feel unsafe, please leave.

Fat Hides No Sins

So I turned into a fat bitch. It happened so quickly. I used to be skinny, I used to be underweight but then depression hit me full force. A little background, I’m transgender and I went for full Facial Feminization Surgery in another country. Now, good people in the global trans community will often tell you not to pin all your hopes and dreams on surgery. Especially if you already have a mental illness, it is incredibly dangerous to your mental stability to hold expectations that things will radically improve. Things may get considerably better, they may get worse, or they may not get better at all. For me, it was the latter. As much as I tried not to hope, I had dreams that my ability to “pass” for female would miraculously improve, but they didn’t. Even in the good months after my recovery I would still be misgendered half of the time, about at the same rate as before my surgery to fix my face.

There are a few reasons this may be the case, most significantly is that I am quite tall, flat chested and have a naturally deep voice. Even with the benefits of a natural looking feminine face, I was still mistaken for a man with considerable regularity. People noticed my femininity and assumed I was a gay man, a common phenomena for trans women. This was heartbreaking for me. Some trans folks are happy and content with not passing. You have your Alok Vaid-Menon’s and your Jacob Tobia’s, wonderful nonbinary folk who find meaning and identity in looking visibly trans. And there are even binary trans people who are content with not passing. I am not one of them, unfortunately. I wish I were but then again, the grass is always greener. But for whatever reason I am born with the condition of being trans, I am also saddled with the need to pass. I’m your stereotyped-to-shit, run of the mill, boring old binary trans woman replete with body dysphoria. I’m just a regular girl who wants to be seen as such, although unfortunately I have trans obstacles in my way. And for me, they are obstacles. There have been people who have encouraged me to embrace my obvious transness but for me it is not so simple. I don’t just want to pass, I need it to live my authentic and true self.

Now, instead of doing the clever thing and seeing my FFS as one stepping stone in the much larger pursuit of transition happiness, I stopped caring about my body altogether. I drank heavily and regularly, took up vaping and most of all, I binge ate my way to obesity. Now I am severely overweight. My doctor has started to worry for my health, and so have I. A lot of my fat friends talk to me about internalized fatphobia, the societal shame we inherit about our fat bodies. They tell me I have this fatphobia materialized in my desire to be skinny again. After all, as they tell me, there is nothing wrong with being fat. And yes there is truth to this, there is nothing inherently immoral about anyone’s body, be you fat, skinny, average or uncommon weight. I believe this. However, fatness brings with it a form of androgyny. As I’ve gotten fatter I have been more consistently misgendered and this is something I need to remedy with fitness, exercise and weight loss. I have been told that “fat can hide a lot of sins for trans women” through providing us with bigger hips, breasts etc. Well this may be true for some trans women but not for me. Even though I have been on hormones for the better part of a decade, I still carry fat like a man. Huge stomach and arms, less added comfort for my hips, butt and breasts. So weight loss is a must for me. As far as I see it, losing fat to get back to my normal weight is as essential as going for breast augmentation and genital reconstructive surgery.

So like too many fat bitches I’m making a blog. The key difference between me and most of my fat friends is, unlike them, I actually see fat as a bad problem and wish to remedy this. Obesity is unhealthy. Fatness is a lifestyle choice for some, sure, but not for me. My fatness is a symptom of my depression, and it is putting my wellbeing, physical and mental at serious risk. This blog is my place to post updates about my transition, specifically my journey to a fitter and healthier body. My goals are simple; I want to pass, I want to be fit and I want mental stability. I used to be skinny and fit and I’ll become that way again through hard, steady, constant work. And I can pass too, by paying the same attention to my overall physical wellbeing as I place on exercise and diet. As for mental health, I have depression, anxiety and psychosis; but through consistent medication and therapy I will manage my mental disorders and live a meaningful quality of life. Eventually my hope is to return to the sex industry as an escort. I miss escorting, it was good money and worked well with my life as a writer, allowing me to pick and choose my own hours around my creative work. But the sex industry is stuck in the 90s and you can’t make work as a fat tranny. Sure, there are some curvy cis women who make money in strip clubs or as escorts but they are an exception. I want to be skinny, to get fit and fuckable, I want to buy a pair of banging tits and have a flat stomach. And I want to make men pay to suck my tiny dick before I get rid of that too.

I exercise six days a week, a mixture of cardio and weight training. I use the elliptical and cycle machines, and rotate my weights from day to day using a mixture of squats, leg press, reverse sit-ups and rows. This will likely change as I get fitter, but for now my main goal is to start building back the fitness I’ve lost. I also use time restricted eating, consuming food only between 11:00 am and 07:00 pm. And the food I eat is different now. No more junk food. No fast food, only dark chocolate (none of the fattier delicious milk chocolate), no candy or soda pop and all vegetarian. And no alcohol. I binge drank and ate my way to this obesity and I am now paying the price.

My starting weight is 377.43 pounds

My original weight goal is 202.82 pounds

I have had FFS

My surgery goals are BA and GRS

So join me, if you like, on my journey to a better trans self. The planet is hurtling at an alarming rate towards a climate change induced apocalypse. Most people my age (I am in my late twenties) cannot expect to live to an old age. As the planet dies, so too will human civilization crumble. This journal is as much a saga of my transition and fitness as it is a memoir of my final years on Earth. My plan is, once I have reached my original weight, obtained my surgeries and conquered my mental demons, to revel in my new body, enjoy the pleasures of youth and then end my life on the footsteps of our government who has so callously rejected the cry of nature in her death throes. I cannot yet say when my suicide will be, for I do not intend to be stopped, but I will make it known as the date draws closer. I have no desire to grow old and watch the end of the humanity I so love, rather I shall terminate my life at my peak and pass on with happy sentiments and an existence well spent.

I encourage anyone reading this to consider the same. As society falls I fear we will see humans grow cruel and turn against each other. Ideally the poor will rise up and viciously devour the rich who have neglected us, but of this I cannot be certain. What I believe is that Suicide Hysteria will sweep the globe. We see it kindling in the memes of youth, gallows humor making light of suicide and depression. The next step is action. When we common people become fully aware that all is lost there will be nothing to lose. I suggested Suicide Carnivals, maddening, beautiful, loving revelry dancing the dance of death together. Direct your violence and hatred to those in power who mock and neglect us. To each other, show unconditional love and bask in the beauty of death as one people. Would you rather endure historically unprecedented suffering as the planet burns us alive, fresh water shortages, crop failure, sea level rise, war for arable land, poverty, famine and death? Or would you rather live gloriously, peacefully and embrace the end before the storm? With the global rise of right wing extremist hatred, it is certain those in power have abandoned us. Many of the masses are either too ignorant, stupid or cruel to realize the peril we face. Use what power you have to convert those around you to recognize the immediate danger threatening all life on Earth. And if this results in you joining me in suicide, so be it.

Mother Gwendoline

#Apocalypse #Fat #Fatphobia #Fitness #Health #LGBT #LGBTQ #Lifestyle #Queer #Trans #Trans woman #Transgender #Transition #Weight loss

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phoenixturtle7 · 6 years

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umm so tw weight, workout, body image, mentions of eating disorders and a lot of my personal complaining i guess

I used to be of average weight and build (5'4, 127 lbs) and I did have a bit of tummy but I never had any problems with my body image, I always felt fine. I knew that I was binge eating a lot, so I started eating healtier (nothing obsessive or bad, I simply ate less junk food and stuff) and I didn't even notice that I've lost any weight (I didn't notice anything about my body and I also never weigh myself) until we had to see our weight at school and I turned out to be 111lbs. I was quite shocked but didn't think about it too much. This was I think when I was 16. (im 17 now)

Later I started getting comments about being too skinny. My best friend and my mom kept telling me that I was too skinny. i didn't find myself skinny, I also didn't find myself fat. I didn't think anything has changed. My other best friend was a bit overweight so she started working out and eating healthier, and she lost 20 pounds. I didn't even notice her transformation until someone pointed it out and I saw some older pictures of her. That's when I started feeling bad about not working out.

That was the first time I was insecure about something about my body. Before this, I didn't care about eating healthy and working out. Then at age 14 maybe I always unfollowed people who led healthier lifestyles and worked out. Now I realized that it was because I was completely jealous of them. The other best friend who was making comments also sarted to work out, and that's when I started feeling completely worthless for not doing the same.

I also started to notice that I was significantly skinnier than before. I tried on a crop top and took a picture, and I had a flat tummy. Even though I still felt great about my body, the comments started getting to me. I posted a pic in a crop top on Instagram (which is a huge thing for me, since I never post any pictures of myself anywhere because I'm insecure about people thinking that I'm narcissistic - that’s another thing -), and a girl that I dont like (and who has a great body) told a guy behind my back that "my ass looks exactly like my stomach..flat". I felt like I looked fine but because of also not noticing my friend's weightloss, I thought that maybe only I think I'm fine because I'm simply unable to see my body changing, and in reality I'm really skinny.

When we had to look at our weight at school again, I turned out to be 108lbs (which is almost underweight). All my friends saw as well. I didn't say anything to anybody about it, but I felt incredibly concerned. I hated that other people saw me differently than I did. I started working out at home in secret (not for weightloss, only to build some muscle) and I also decided to eat a lot of foods rich in protein. Then I bought some great protein powder. Although I didn't see any change in my body, I felt way stronger and I didn't get as sore after working out as I used to.

I'm now convinced that my friend who lost all the weight also thinks that I'm too skinny (she's more than 25 pounds bigger than me, same hight, big butt, big tatas.. she looks amazing). I became jealous of her. First I thought she looked good because of her workout, and she also says she looks like that because of the muscle she's gained but now I think she looks the way she looks because of the amount of fat in her body. Now I'm at a point where I started eating excessive amounts of junk food again in order to gain some more weight and I don't think it's healty. I haven't gained any weight yet, but it's still unhelathy. It's also bad because I do know that I wouldn't have started eating more if it wasn't for other people mocking me. Now I'm not sure if they've led me on the right path, or they just messed with my body image and I'm about to fuck myself up with the junk food.

That's basically it, I wanted to share this because I was thinking about it a lot lately but I don't want to tell any friends or family, but I had to get it off my chest somehow. I'd also like to say that I'm physically fine, I'm not anorexic, I'm not bulimic, I'm not underweight (i dont think so at least), and I'm also not fat. My body image has changed dramatically, AND for the worse, and I know I clearly still have a dilemma about eating junk food and stuff, but I actually think that I may be able to figure it out myself? hopefully? anyway I'm saying this because I really didn't post this to ask for advice, I just feel way better if I finally get it off my chest.

Thank you for reading this. I hope you're doing good. If you maybe have some problems, you can message me anytime, it might take long for me to reply (exams are coming up and all that, I'm literally procrastinating right now) but if you feel the same way where you want to complain to someone but you don't have the right people to complain to and you're too scared to post shit like this like I did, feel free to complain to me. I might as well be able to give advice, but if i can't, the least I can do is listen. Thank you for your time.

#tw #body image #weightloss #eating disorder #ed #tw: body image #tw: eating disorder #tw: weight #weight #long post with spelling and grammar mistakes #if you read this and know any tw tags i should add #tell me

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mustardbaby · 7 years

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Hi Rach! I'm a teenager in high school and i'm struggling with my body image and I wanted to know what you do to become more confident? I'm also torn between accepting my body and becoming more health conscious about my weight and losing the weight to become "healthier." I'm 180 and I feel like if I don't lose weight, i'll just get bigger and bigger and that scares me because everyone I know is small and I constantly stand out and I feel terrible about my body image. Pls help with any advice xx

OH No sweet pea!!!!

Okay I used to struggle SO much with body confidence. I was underweight for my entire life until I was about 16, when I started a medication that made me gain a ton of weight. After I went off of it, I lost a ton again. I’m at a healthy weight now, but I still feel icky because I’m not the size I was for the majority of my life. I think I’ve gotten used to my appearance. Honestly, the thing that helps me the most is wearing clothes that I love. I feel my style is a bit different and I love that about myself, so if I love my fashion, my body is just a canvas and that helps so much. ALso, I know you’re much too young for a tattoo, but getting a tattoo and a nose piercing also helped with my body image. Body modifications are unnecessary to feel good about yourself, but they did help me out :+) I would talk to a doctor if you are concerned about your weight! I am no sort of doctor so I can’t console you medically, but weight does not equal health! I wouldn’t worry too much about standing out, because it makes you unique. I used to be the tallest in my class for my entire childhood, but I learned that it just made me stand out more. :+) It’s easier said than done, but I can tell by the way you write that you are a kind person, so please please please be kind to yourself too. Love your body and take good care of it! I exercise and eat healthy not for the purpose of losing weight, but to help my mood, and focusing on that instead of my size really helps me. If you watch my videos, you know that I am quite squishy but I know that I am healthy so it doesn’t bother me much.

anyways this was soooooo long but please message me if you have any more questions or wanna talk about anything! there are also lots of good body positive resources out there.

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lokeanrampant · 5 years

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So. I apparently have a trigger. It’s an ugly one and it hits hard and it returned me to a very unhealthy place. Long post and Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified ahead.

And thank you, anon, for your words. I hope you’re right.

I have recently been diagnosed with a few things and have medications which are helping, but this particular medication is having an amazing and GOOD effect on me. I am awake and aware, I don’t need to do three things at once to focus on something, I actually can focus, so much good stuff. But yes, it has an effect on my appetite. I have fantastic willpower and I generally really, really hate anything that fucks with my appetite cause that will generally lead to me not eating enough. So that’s what I’m dealing with here. I probably wasn’t eating enough, but I felt good and I was basically grazing, so I figured, okay, we’re still okay.

Only...the doc who prescribed pull that trigger fucking hard.

So the medication works for ADHD and though I have a sensory processing disorder, she can’t quite say I have ADHD. But she can put in her notes that she is prescribing it for “binge eating,” not because I have it, but because she thinks the med will help. And it has. I felt better than I had in years. So I’m on this for about a month and doing great. My therapist was THRILLED with my progress and we were going to really work hard on my BDD.

Then I had the follow-up appt. Where the doc kept harping on how well the med worked for my binge eating and controlling cravings and overeating. Like over and over and over.

Let me tell you a lil something about me.

I’m a stress-starver. It comes from my teens where I was constantly told that, being overweight and trying to lose weight, I ate too much, that I ate like a pig, eat less. This is from DOCTORS, mind you. Yes, doctors told me this. Constantly.

So I did that. I ate less. Still couldn’t lose weight. Same deal - “you eat too much.” So I ate less.

I was down to one meal a day: a sandwich. Two pieces of bread, some mayo, some chicken.

Guess what? Yep, “you eat too much.”

So I STOPPED eating. Food was the enemy. My body needed fuel, but I didn't want it and the docs assumed I ate and never stopped and kept telling me to eat less and less and less. Obviously, I was still eating too much, right? So hey, okay, I’ll eat less. Just enough to keep me standing...and sometimes, not even then. Super healthy, yo. Bodies don’t like to lose weight in Starvation Mode. But I was too fat for that and I ate too much, right? So I essentially stopped eating.

That's not binging. It's not binge/purge. It's punishment for being fat and ugly and self-harm by restricting food because I wasn't worthy of it and it was ultimately bad for me. If I had been a skinny bit, they probably would’ve diagnosed me with anorexia, but I just never presented with that low body weight or being underweight. Nope. Not me. There is now an atypical anorexia that doesn’t present the classic way, but who are not underweight after significant weight loss. And even then, I haven’t had significant weight loss in years.

So there we are - eating disorder NOS, atypical presentation that doesn’t match anorexia, bulimia, binging. It’s a much bigger diagnosis catch-all than you might realize.

It took me a long time to have a healthier relationship with food, and it's still not great, but it's okay. Ask anyone in my life and they will tell you the same, that I don't overeat. Even when I pms and actually crave a junk food? I don't binge and I normally find a healthier alternative anyway (because junk food doesn't make me feel great).

There is no secret or hidden eating. There can definitely be guilt and self-loathing for eating, especially if it's not low-carb, but it’s rare...or at least, it was. My food intake is not out of control. I almost never overeat (it doesn't feel good!). The only time I eat when I am not hungry is normally because I couldn't eat when I was hungry and then proceed to feel ill because my blood sugar has dropped. Then I have to eat. But it's not binging. It's not healthy, and it doesn't fit the major eating disorders, but it's still not binging.

Do I have major body image issues? Fuck yes. I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I have horrible self-image and will be sent into a major tailspin if I see photos or, gods, video. I will stop being able to look in a mirror. I have covered mirrors for days before. I will have trouble showering unless I do it with my eyes closed so I don’t have to see the hideousness of me and even then, I still have to touch it to clean it. I’m very self-critical and hate this body in which I feel trapped. But I still do things. I’m still working. I do theater. I garden. I DO THINGS. I also have an intense fear of gaining weight to be even larger than I am. Even if I know that I am not the heaviest person in the room, and I can know that, logically, even with sizes or measurements, I will still feel larger, heavier, uglier. I will feel like the largest, heaviest, ugliest person there even if I know someone is twice or more my size. My friend at work is probably a good 100+lbs heavier than I am and I just think she’s gorgeous. Her weight doesn’t matter. She’s attractive inside and out. But me? No. I”m fat because fat was taught to me as an ugly word. So I am fat, because it’s ugly. Other people aren’t fat because they aren’t ugly.

So what happens when you tell someone, who has already told you all this history about being told you’re fat because you eat too much and that you need to eat less....so YOU DID and that’s also why you stopped going to doctors because you were eating barely enough to stay standing and they still said that, so they obviously didn’t know a fucking thing, and that yet again, I apparently have NO. FUCKING. CLUE. WHAT FOOD I PUT IN MY MOUTH.

What happens when you tell someone like that that they are binging and eating too much?

Answer: I stop fucking eating.

I’m right back to being 18yo and crying because I’m hungry because food is the fucking enemy. Because apparently, even what I eat, which is definitely light for American portion sizes, but actually really fucking healthy portion sizes, is still too much.

Even though my sis has been concerned because the medication is altering my appetite to the point where I really don’t eat more than 4oz at a meal, if that...which I did when I was having extreme gallbladder pain at one point.

Even though she, several friends, and a friend/coworker know how I eat, what I eat, that I don’t overeat, that I can make a sub-in-a-tub style salad into multiple, low-carb, healthy wraps and have lunch for two or three days.

That I don’t eat or even LIKE much sugar (why the FUCK is everything so gods damned SWEET? Holy fuck.). I vastly prefer savory (spice is nice).

I don’t tend to eat breads or potatoes because they make me feel bad (bloaty, ewww...so probably a gluten intolerance? I don’t know, but I know I don’t feel well when I eat them, so hey, idea! DON’T EAT WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL BAD. Crazy AF, I know, right?).

People who know me envy the self-control and willpower that I have regarding food. They don’t realize it came out of such self-loathing and self-harm mechanisms. I’ve made it healthier. I’ve gotten better with food and in a lot of ways, that was because it didn’t really matter what I ate after a point, my weight maintained. It wasn’t the food...or it wasn’t just the food.

There’s a fuckton more at work regarding metabolism and hormones and shit that just fuck up a body. And one medication stopped the bad thoughts from auto-play 24/7 and helped reduce stress to the point I was like, fuck, is this what I am supposed to feel like? And then this new one, that helps me feel awake, aware, and focused reduced that anxiety even MORE and it’s like another layer of fog is lifted? To realize how much CONSTANT STRESS AND ANXIETY I had that was literally non-stop fight-or-flight mode? Gods, no wonder I couldn’t lose weight. My body was always prepped for disaster and wanted to keep every fucking thing. I finally felt that I could maybe make a difference and not only feel healthier, but maybe actually get healthier, be in better shape, lose weight.

But to be told that I’m still a binge eater, when I fit only the “feel guilt or shame over eating” NOW, because you brought all that shit back by telling me that I still overeat and that’s why I’m fat and hey, this med is really controlling your binging?

Dinner last night was eight...yes, 8, cashews. It took me from 9:30 to about 2:30pm today to eat a Sargento’s snack pack (cheese, cashews, raisins in this one). I had a electrolyte water (36oz or so) and am working on my second bottle (fairly normal). I went out with friends tonight and managed to slow sip a beer over about two hours as someone was buying and really wanted to buy us a drink, so hey, I got some calories in the beer. Couldn’t eat though. The thought of eating today was met with instant recoil. Food becomes the enemy once again. It becomes a hyperfixation because it's too much, too much, it's bad for you, stop eating, yes even 4oz is too much, you don't need that much. And no, I don’t weigh myself or count calories/fat/etc for the same reason - it became a hyperfixation and an emotional minefield where any little (and frequently normal) fluctuation sends me into a very bad place. If I need to do something like that, measurements are easier for me.

And that’s not a place I want to be. I worked SO HARD to not be there. I KNOW the way I eat is healthy. I know the portion sizes are good. I know how to read labels (questionable reliability, but it’s what we’ve got). I can make good food at home. I can choose fairly healthy if I’m out and about. I had made my peace with food and while we would never be great friends, we at least weren’t enemies any more.

I am trying. I am. I, oddly, have some support around me. A friend really helped tonight, but it’s a serious work-in-progress. I managed to eat about 8-10 shrimp around midnight but I couldn’t do that with someone watching. It’s back to the high school cafeteria where it literally didn’t matter what you ate, if you were fat, you weren’t supposed to eat at all. It’s feeling guilty to be seen eating because you actually have the nerve to have a body that requires sustenance and they will judge you any bite you consume. The doctor created guilt around food I hadn’t had for YEARS. Admittedly, I still don’t like work lunch/break rooms, but I just don’t care to socialize with some people and I can keep my phone charged at my desk. Win-win. And I don’t generally have a problem eating at restaurants or with friends.

My friend tonight told me that i am NOT that person I was. And I’m not. I have changed so much since then. And since I know what the doctor said is false, it’s rather like someone yelling at me because they hate my hair for being blonde when it’s black. It makes no sense and what they said isn’t real; it shouldn’t mean anything. But it’s a whammy and when you already have a predisposition to fall into self-hate and self-harm, it’s a nasty, ugly whammy that lingers. It’s an old, well-worn pattern of badness that is only comfortable because you lived it for so long, you know how it works.

I’m upset. I’m angry. I’m furious. I’m hurt.

And I don’t know how long it will take to climb out of this.

#tw: self-hate #tw: self-harm #tw: eating disorder #tw: body dysmorphia #wheeeeee #long post #personal #feel free to ignore #I just needed to vent

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