#warriornunfanfic

[soulnb42]

Times Like These (part 5)

AO3

Part 5

Ava fell onto her knees when oxygen just left her lungs in one go. Intense pain burnt her midriff where Beatrice had just hit her with a stick. She took a couple of deep breaths then stood up gingerly.

Beatrice was perplexed to say the least. They had started to train five days ago and while everything was fine when it came to basic training, whenever it was time to work with the Halo, they hit a wall. Or rather, Ava hit a wall.

Beatrice was at a loss. Something was obviously wrong. At first, she figured Ava was just tired but now she was certain it went deeper than that.

Ava cursed silently and Beatrice didn’t ask her if she was okay. She did care, in fact Beatrice was deeply concerned, but she couldn’t bear to hear Ava lie to her yet again. Every time Beatrice had queried about Ava’s well-being, Ava had fibbed, affirming that she was alright yet never meeting Beatrice’s gaze.

The issue needed to be addressed though, because everything rested on the power of the Halo, if they didn’t have that then…

“Let’s stop here for today,” Beatrice stated softly.

There was no point in pushing. Ava was supposed to phase through Beatrice’s attacks but she wasn’t, so instead it was turning into a beating. At this point Beatrice wasn’t sure the Halo was doing its job healing Ava, or if it was the effect was much slower than usual.

“No, we can go on. I can train some more,” Ava protested.

“I know you can,” Beatrice reassured her. “But we’re on evening shift today, I think it’d be best if we get some rest before we have to go to work.”

Ava clenched her jaw to contain her anger and frustration. Sure, Beatrice made it sound like there was a good reason for them to stop, but she read between the lines. She saw the way Beatrice was looking at her, like she wasn’t good enough. She couldn’t blame Beatrice though. Five days of training and frankly she sucked. Hard.

“Fine,” she sighed with resignation and walked away.

Part of Beatrice wanted to rush after Ava but she didn’t go with that first instinct. She had watched a myriad of emotions dance behind Ava’s eyes before settling on some quiet anger. It was like Ava was resenting her for something and she didn’t get it. Ava had been shutting her out and she didn’t know how to get through to her.

Right now though, she didn’t feel that pushing the issue would do them any good.

Ava needed space and maybe she did as well, she needed time to figure a way out of this funk for the both of them.

By the time they started their shift, Ava’s natural good mood seemed to return. Beatrice watched Ava working around the room, exchanging witty words and bad puns, making everyone laugh or smile. Ava was a natural people person. She exuded something that just made you want to be in her orbit. Beatrice envied that ability to be around people and connect easily with them.

For a moment there, Beatrice imagined Ava’s life without the Halo and all that came with it. Ava would fit right here; she’d have a good life here.

“Beatrice!” Hanz, the other barman called a bit loud, which let her know he had called her once before.

“Sorry.”

“It’s alright, I need 2 Cuba Libre and a Zombie please.”

“Coming right up,” she nodded and focused on making the ordered cocktails.

When they get back to the apartment it was already half past one in the morning and they were both exhausted. It took twenty minutes for them to get through their evening routine and be ready for sleep.

Ava exited the bathroom just as Beatrice was about to enter.

“Goodnight,” Ava said, she gave Beatrice’s shoulder a gentle squeeze.

“Goodnight,” Beatrice echoed.

Ava nodded then moved on to go lie on the bed.

The day had been quite long so Beatrice fell asleep almost as soon as she had lied on the couch.

Beatrice woke up with a start and the gut feeling that something was wrong. There was a small electric-like tremor making everything slightly vibrate around the room. Briefly disoriented, her attention was called to the moaning sounds and light coming from the bed.

“Ava!” she almost fell flat on the floor in her haste to get to her feet and rush to the bed. Without hesitation she sat onto the bed and gathered Ava into her arms, holding her tight to stop her flailing.

Ava was struggling against her, moaning through her clenched jaw. Beatrice forced herself not to loosen her grip even though the surge of energy coming from the Halo was painful.

“Calm down, calm down…” she repeated like a mantra hoping that Ava would wake up and power down.

Ava came to abruptly with a barely contained scream of horror. There was a small implosion of light and Beatrice felt like a violent punch in her guts then the Halo went out. She gritted her teeth at the shooting pain but focused back on Ava immediately.

Ava started to debate herself more vigorously but calmed down when she was able to resituate herself.

“You’re okay…shhh…” Beatrice’s soothing voice brushed her ears. “Everything is okay, you’re okay.”

Ava stopped trashing around and leant against Beatrice, she put her hands on the arm Beatrice had wrapped around her shoulders and held on for dear life.

She had been back in the cave with Adriel, only this time there was no escape and… she closed her eyes to block the memory. Drenched in cold sweat and shaking with remnant fear, she try to focus on Beatrice’s voice. She let herself go to the gentle rocking and slowly she felt calmer.

Beatrice kept swaying them both, she didn’t stop until she felt the trembling of Ava’s body subside. She started to shift her position and felt Ava’s grip on her arm turn painful.

“Please don’t go,” Ava begged.

“I’m not going anywhere… just getting more comfortable.”

Ava nodded and allowed her to move. After a couple of minutes, they were lying down and Beatrice was spooning her.

“Try to rest.”

“Don’t go,” Ava pleaded softly again.

“Not going anywhere, I promise.”

The words were enough to make Ava relax completely and let herself go back to sleep. Beatrice kept watch for a long time, too worried about Ava.

Something was wrong and they needed to figure it all out sooner than later.

---------------------------------------------

Thanks for reading

#ava silva #sister beatrice #avatrice #ava x beatrice #warrior nun #warriornun #warrior nun fanfic #warriornunfanfic #ao3 fanfic #warriornun fanfiction #times like these part 5 #times like these fanfic part 5 #times like these

[soulnb42]

Times Like These (part 7)

AO3

Beatrice was startled out of her slumber by Ava’s agitation. She stood up and made her way to the bed. Within two minutes she was in bed, holding Ava to her.

Their talk at the lake had helped Ava to get over the roadblock that was impairing during training. Now, she was able to tap into the Halo. It had helped opening the channel of communication as well. That being said, it hadn’t made a dent into Ava’s night time struggles.

Ava had yet to have a quiet night of sleep. Every single night since they had arrived in Switzerland, she had been tossing and turning, fighting off bad dreams. There had been three very bad nights when Halo had surged in the midst of it all. Most nights though, Ava was only crying in her sleep.

Beatrice was a light sleeper, so she’d always wake up as soon as Ava was becoming agitated. She’d hold Ava in a tight embrace and whispered soothing words. Sometimes Ava calmed down immediately, sometimes she’d wake up in alarm. Beatrice would simply rock her back to sleep, all the while assuring Ava that she was safe and everything was okay.

The light jolt and sharp intake of breath indicated to Beatrice that Ava had escaped the grip of whatever bad dream had plagued her.

Ava put her hands on the arm Beatrice had around her chest and squoze, as if to assure her that she was awake and Beatrice was really there. The gesture was familiar by now, in fact Ava did the same every time she woke up.

Beatrice felt the slight tremor of Ava’s body, she listened as Ava tried to get her breath slowly back in control. She didn’t prompt Ava to talk. She had on other occasions but Ava never wanted to, so she never pushed, not wanting to add to Ava’s distress.

Ava leant against Beatrice, resting her cheek on Beatrice’s forearm. The nightmare hadn’t seemed too intense, but whatever it was, it had rattled Ava because suddenly she was crying, her body shaken with silent sobs.

Beatrice tightened her embrace. She was at a complete loss. She couldn’t think of anything to say either. She had never been good at comfort. It wasn’t that she didn’t know when people needed comfort, because she did, she was very much an empath. It was just that she never knew what to say or do, to alleviate one’s pain.

This was Camilla’s area of expertise. Camilla always knew what to do or say to keep the morale up, to make things okay, give hope, reassure and comfort. 

Well, that was it… what would Camilla do?

“The sun has gone and forgotten me…” Beatrice started to sing with a soft but unsteady voice.

Beatrice didn’t remember why or how the topic had come to be discussed, but she had once mentioned one of the very few good family-related memory she had to Camilla. One of the only good things she had preserved really: a song. One day long after having shared that memory with her, Camilla had sung it back to Beatrice when she was down and it had immediately lifted her spirits up, as if Camilla had known she had only needed a little reminder.

She didn’t know if the song would have the same soothing effect on Ava, but right now, it was all she had so, she committed to it in all her awkward glory.

“…somebody told me, I don’t know who, whenever you are sad and blue…”

She rocked them gently along the song, she was singing it slower, turning it into a lullaby.

“…Hang on things will be alright, even when it’s dark and not a bit of sparkling, sing-song sunshine from above spreading rays of sunny love, just hang on…”

Ava was emotionally exhausted. Just breathing was near impossible, emotions, like an anvil were weighing onto her chest. She couldn’t even put words to describe her bad dreams, but the feeling of dread, the cold sweat, the fear, the anxiety, the terror, all of it was real and tenfold.

She was surprised at the sound of Beatrice’s voice, but she gave it her full attention. If she was a boat caught up in a storm of terror, Beatrice was that hopeful lighthouse in the distance, guiding her back to safe shores.

“…and so I hold on to this advice, when change is hard and not so nice…”

Beatrice didn’t think she was a good singer, but kept on with her song if only because it seemed to have the intended pacifying effect on Ava.

Ava hung onto Beatrice’s voice and her embrace. She focused on the warmth, the softness; she let the song fill her, guide her mind back in the moment. She was safe.

“…if you listen to your heart the whole night through, your sunny someday will come one day soon to you.”

The song came to an end, but Beatrice kept on with her soft rocking motion. In a silent thank you, Ava delivered a lingering kiss on the forearm across her shoulders.

After a few seconds, Beatrice rearranged her position as the big spoon and Ava put her hand over the one Beatrice had on her stomach, entwining their fingers.

Ava eventually fell asleep again, Beatrice watched over her for almost forty minutes before giving in to her own exhaustion.

xxxOxxx

When Ava woke up, the first rays of dawn were piercing through the window. She wasn’t surprised at the fact that Beatrice was no longer in bed. It didn’t matter how many times Beatrice lull her back to sleep after a nightmare, she was never there in the morning.  Ava wondered if she went back to sleep on the couch once she, herself, was asleep again.

With a sigh, she sat up and rubbed her face. She listened for movement but there was none, so she deduced that Beatrice was out for a morning walk or run. She got out of bed and started her own morning routine.

By the time Beatrice came back to the apartment, Ava had showered, dressed and made the bed.

“Morning,” Beatrice said when she spotted Ava eating cereals at the kitchen table.

“Morning.”

Ava took note of the light sheen of sweat and tilted her head when a thought occurred to her. “Don’t you think it’s weird that you go for a run before our training session?” she asked.

“Why is it weird?”

“Well, you always start our training session with a run… so if you go for a run before that run… it’s like… rehearsing a rehearsal,” Ava shrugged.

“I’m just… warming up,” Beatrice replied. “Besides, I need all the stamina I can get to keep up with you, because I don’t have an ancient artifact powering me up.”

It wasn’t a lie, Beatrice had to train herself on top of their regular training to keep up her shape. But if she was honest her pre-training morning run was just a way for her to clear her head.

She always felt unnerved in the morning after spending the night watching over Ava and holding her through the night. She knew things would have been different had she been in exile with Camilla, or Lilith or Mary. There was something about Ava. Their connexion had been different from the beginning, but it had truly changed when they had been training at Arctech to prepare their Vatican mission.

It was easy to ignore whatever that thing she felt was on a normal day, but their confinement, her worry about Ava and the constant proximity changed everything. Things long buried were trying to surface and Beatrice couldn’t allow that.

So, she ran. She pushed herself physically to keep her mind off it. By the time she was back, she generally felt centred again, in control.

“I do see your point, I still think it’s kind of weird,” Ava stated with a smirk.

“Whatever,” Beatrice rolled her eyes. “Let me shower and change, then we’ll go train.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

xxxOxxx

After their training they had come back to the apartment, stayed long enough to freshen up and have lunch, then they had gone to the bar for their shift.

After a long day, they were eating dinner, at least Beatrice was, Ava was pushing her food around. Beatrice had noticed how during the day Ava’s mood had improved when they had been training or working, but now it had shifted back to something darker.

Ava had a luminous personality. She was always upbeat as a general rule, seemingly finding something to smile about at every turn. Beatrice was no fool, she knew some of Ava’s joking and ‘can’t-take-anything-seriously’ nonchalant attitude was a defence mechanism, but there was also a genuine sense of constant wonder at the world around her.

Beatrice assumed that Ava was just catching up. After all, she had been confined in one room, prisoner of a bed and unable to feel anything for a very long time.

Ava was full of life so as a result, when her mood was down, it was unsettling and impossible to ignore.

“Not to your taste?” Beatrice broke the silence effectively pulling Ava back from her thoughts.

Ava looked up in a daze, then she seemed to realize what she had been doing. “No, it’s good,” she shook her head.

A memory of being force-fed a mixture so horrid it could barely qualify as food, and then being severely berated for avoiding it popped into her head.

“I’m sorry, I know I should stop being an ungrateful brat and eat, there are people starving…” she mumbled bitterly.

Beatrice frowned, surprised by the vitriolic words. She knew that tone though, enough to deduce those words weren’t Ava’s but had been drilled into her repeatedly enough to leave a mark. Beatrice had plenty of those toxic gems in the recess of her own mind, luckily, she knew how to deal with that kind of things.

“Actually, you don’t have to eat if you don’t want to,” Beatrice pointed out. She made sure to be gentle with her tone so Ava knew everything was fine. “There’s this thing called a food container and this even more amazing device called a fridge. The combined use of the two allows us to save food from being wasted.”

Ava hiccupped with amusement. “You don’t say.”

“Mind-blowing, I know,” Beatrice kept on with her teasing.

Ava stared at her for a long moment, her expression brightened a little but to Beatrice, the lightness seemed a bit forced. “I was talking to Hanz today,” Ava said non sequitur. “About what it was like to be a bartender. One of the things struck me as funny. He said something about people confiding in him and how there was this unwritten rule in the bartending world that as a bartender he was like a priest, bonded to secrecy.”

Beatrice listened attentively, waiting to see the point Ava was trying to make. “So…”Ava dragged the word out. “Technically, you’re a priest now. Well, a priestess.”

Beatrice felt her eyebrows trying to reach her hairline and couldn’t hold the surprised snort of amusement that passed her lips. She didn’t think Ava’s mind would ever cease to amaze her, with its unpredictability. “Right,” she nodded with a playful frown. “Anything you want to confess then, child?” she asked with a mock serious tone.

She had meant her question as a joke, so the abrupt mood shift confused her. The grin on Ava’s lips was sad and permeated with something Beatrice couldn’t quite identify.

Ava turned her attention back to her plate and started pushing food again. She did have a confession to make. The thought of it alone was like a thick dark fog coiling around her, slowly constricting her chest, cutting her air supply, squeezing fear and anxiety back to the surface.

On pure survival instinct her mind latched onto the first thing it could to fight her way back to a safe mental space. That thing turned out to be the echoes of Beatrice’s voice singing to her the previous night.

“The song…” Ava frowned. “What was it about?” she looked back up at Beatrice.

That second non sequitur threw Beatrice for a loop. By now Beatrice was used to Ava’s mind going in unexpected direction, but it was always a steady stream. Right now, it all seemed off, somehow.  

Beatrice couldn’t explain the sense of unease that was nagging at her, she didn’t like it either. She wanted to ask what was wrong, but her instinct told her it was best to blindly hop onto Ava’s train of thoughts without questioning its origin or destination.

“It’s…hum…” she stammered a little before mentally shaking herself. “It’s about a sad little tomato.”

Ava nodded absentmindedly, the corners of her mouth barely lifting up in a failed attempt to grin. “I liked it…”

Before Ava could slip away in her thoughts again, Beatrice added. “My older sister used to sing it,” she paused and then shrugged. “She’d sing almost all the time and this one was one of her favourites. She’d sing it to me when I was upset, or to cheer me up or lull me to sleep.”

Ava’s attention was back on her food, she seemed mesmerized by the slow movements of her fork

“My mother used to sing all the time too. I don’t remember a lot but I remember that.”

Ava felt the familiar ache in her chest at the thought of her mother.

She had been seven when the car accident that claimed her mother’s life had happened. She had been old enough to have a florilegium of memories, but too young for those to be solid and fully timeproof.

If it hadn’t been for Sister Emelyne’s kindness, Sister Frances’ cruelty would have corroded all of Ava’s memories, reducing her mother to nothing but a fleeting, nebulous souvenir.

“Things weren’t…great at the orphanage…” Ava murmured.

Beatrice could count on one hand the instances Ava had mentioned her time at the orphanage. The one constant in those moments was the forlorn expression on Ava’s face.

Maybe it was because she had spent more time with Ava than the others but Beatrice had picked up on the unsaid and subtle cues; it was in some jokes Ava made with depreciating or acidic undertones, in the minute flinches at times as if Ava was expecting a bad touch. Many little details that could easily be missed had led Beatrice to conclude that Ava had been hurt emotionally and physically at some point.  

“Every morning, for the couple of minutes when I was still caught in a sleepy daze, I’d think I had a crazy nightmare where I was paralyzed and alone because my mother was gone…” Ava’s chuckle was bitter. “Then I’d open my eyes only to realize that it was all real.”

The despair Ava had felt then was starting to bubble back up to the surface. She had cried so much during those first days, calling out for her mother every time she’d wake up.

Ava cleared her throat when tears started to prickle her eyes. “One day, Sister Emelyne, she was the kind one,” the fact that Ava had to specify the character of one of her caretaker only confirmed Beatrice’s suspicions of abuse. “She tried to reassure me by saying that my mom would never be really gone as long as I thought about her, remembered her…that only made me cry harder because I had already started to forget…”

Between the accident, being paralyzed, being told every day by Sister Frances how much of a burden she was, how no one cared enough to look for her, the souvenirs of her mother had been fading fast.

“The day after, she came back with a small box, no bigger than a shoe box. She had gone through the belongings that had been brought with me at the orphanage, what had survived the car crash. She had put things from my mother in the box, things that would help me remember.”

It hadn’t been much: a bottle of perfume, a silver necklace, bracelets, two journals – one full and one freshly started, a small sketchbook, a wallet and a book. Small precious treasures, the last traces her mother had left behind.

To Ava, the most prized items had been the journals, pieces of her mother’s mind, thoughts, hope, dreams and her struggles. They had found a dozen of photographs stuck in the pages; pictures of Ava as a toddler, pictures of her mother with people, of landscapes, picture of the both of them. Ava’s favourite picture though, had been used as a bookmark in the book her mother had been reading. It had been taken at her seventh birthday, the both of them beaming at the camera.

All of Ava’s memories had flooded back to the forefront of her mind upon seeing the objects. That day she had felt a tad bit better thanks to Sister Emelyne.

To this day, Ava doubted Sister Emelyne really knew how cruel Sister Frances was, but it was no secret that Sister Frances was feared and not well liked, so Sister Emelyne had made sure the box was well hidden and only took it out whenever she was the one attending to Ava’s care.

Now that box, Ava’s only possessions, was still hidden in the wall of her room at the orphanage, behind two broken tiles. One day, hopefully, she’d get it back.

“You know over the years, there were days I couldn’t remember my mother’s face or the colour of her eyes, but the one thing I’ve always remembered clearly was her voice. The sound of it when she spoke, when she laughed or sung.”

Ava looked up and smiled sadly. “She sung all the time. One of her favourite songs was ‘feeling good’.”

It had taken quite a while for Ava to find the name of the song. She sung it to herself a lot, she had forgotten the lyrics but the melody was clear. Sister Emelyne had surprised her one day with a tape with Nina Simone’s version on it, as well other songs Ava had been able to remember. That day, Ava had cried tears of joy.

“Birds flying high… you know how I feel,” Ava sung the first verse then stopped.

“Oh yeah, that is a good song,” Beatrice agreed.

Ava nodded. “It got me through the bad days.”

That song and the others had helped her mute Sister Frances’ cruel words. Ava had developed other ways to escape over the years, but during the darkest time, her mother’s songs had been the ultimate shield, maternal protection at its finest.

Once again Beatrice picked up on the unsaid. That last statement let her know that Ava’s bad days at the orphanage far outnumbered the good ones.

“I didn’t kill myself.”

If Beatrice hadn’t already known that information, that third non sequitur would have virtually knocked her out. As it was, even though she hadn’t expected them to go down that road, she was able to contain her surprise and keep up with Ava.

“You’ve told me once. I believed you.”

Ava’s jaw worked for a few seconds but no sound came. “I was murdered.”

Beatrice was so stunned by Ava’s statement, her mind went blank for several seconds.

“Sister Frances killed me,” Ava specified. “Those were the drugs in my system.”

Beatrice didn’t say anything, she had the gut feeling that there was more to that revelation.

There was fear in Ava’s eyes, but also something else. It took Beatrice a moment to pinpoint it, she frowned when it finally clicked.

Guilt.

Ava was ridden with guilt, but at this moment that didn’t make any sense.

For a second, Beatrice feared Ava would clam up but her silence turned out to be the perfect prompt in the end.

“I had a friend at the orphanage, my roommate, Diego.” Warm affection tinted Ava’s voice. “Sweet boy, we used to laugh a lot,” a smile lit up her face.

There was a long pause, Ava’s expression darkened again. “When I was running away with JC, I put all the pieces together. I finally figured it all out, how I died,” she continued. “And I knew, deep down in my guts I knew Sister Frances was about to do the same to Diego. I don’t know how I knew but I did.”

Ava pushed her plate away and balled her fists to cover the fact that her hands were shaking. “I ran to the orphanage and I made it just in time because… she was about to kill him.”

Bile was burning the back of Ava’s throat. If it hadn’t been for the Halo the outcome of that particular night would have been different, for all of them.

She bit her lips and looked at Beatrice. A part of her was screaming at her not to say any more. If she was honest, Ava dreaded what Beatrice would think of her once she knew what she had done. On the other hand, she couldn’t bear the weight of that secret anymore.

“I confronted her about murdering me, you know? Because it dawned on me that I wasn’t her first…”

A cold frisson ran down Ava spine as she remembered the feeling of horror when she finally saw the big picture.

“She laughed… gloating about having lost count of the years.”

Breathe. Beatrice had to remind herself to breathe. She needed to temper her emotions because she knew, she knew as dark as Ava’s story was, it was about to get darker.

“Years…years, Beatrice. Can you imagine how many…” Ava trailed off. “She went on saying that she was a saviour, giving her life to look after us, freeing our souls, releasing us into the arms of God…”

Ava heard the venom pouring from her voice. Anger was burning through her veins again, just like it did that night.

There was a pause then Ava cleared throat before continuing. “She murdered me again,” Ava let out a bitter laugh. “I’m probably the only person on the planet who can say they’ve been murdered twice.”

Everything came back full force. The burning of her lungs as they had ceased their function, her struggle to breathe, her whole body turning into heavy lead… life slowly and painfully leaving her body.

“I was dying while she laughed… she was literally cackling, enjoying herself…”

Ava shook her head to get rid of the souvenir. “Only this time, the Halo protected me, it brought me back again.”

That night and every day since, Ava has told herself that it was self-defence… that she protected Diego and herself. In spite of all that, she knew that what she had done was wrong. Also, she couldn’t deny that there had been a second maybe two, when her rage had taken over, when she had wanted to hurt Sister Frances. She had just defended herself afterward, but those two seconds had happened.

Ava looked at Beatrice. She knew that with her next words everything would change. She just hoped she wouldn’t lose her friend.

“I grabbed her neck…”

The words came out so low Beatrice had to strain her ears. When she registered them, cement settled in the pit of her stomach.

“I just wanted her to stop laughing… then she attacked me and…” Ava unclenched her fists, and stared at her open palms. Those hands had hurt and they were hers.

“I just wanted her to stop laughing,” she repeated with a hint of despair, she needed Beatrice to believe her. “I didn’t realise my strength…” she looked up at Beatrice again. “Her neck…” her voice failed her. She cleared her throat and plough on. “Her neck snapped… but I didn’t mean to do it… I didn’t mean to do it.”

Ava’s breathing shortened and became heavier as if there was little to no oxygen in the room. “I killed someone… that’s my confession,” she added in a rush with a glance in Beatrice’s direction.

The harder she tried to breathe and the more her lungs burnt from the lack of oxygen. Ava stood up abruptly and turned to the sink. She braced herself against it, certain she would empty her guts and, or, pass out in any minute.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, could have prepared Beatrice for that bombshell.

Beatrice was overwhelmed by a myriad of emotions. Emotions she felt for Ava, on behalf of Ava and for herself. She took a deep breath, immediately shutting them all out. She’d have time later to analyse and deal with her feelings, now there was more important things to do.

She got onto her feet and silently approached the body slumped over the sink. Ava was heaving, her grip on the counter was so tight her knuckles were white, and despite her tensed, rigid stance, her body was shaking all over.

Although when on a mission, they primarily incapacitated or wounded whoever they fought against, Beatrice knew her hands had killed. More than once. She had come to term with it. She was a sister warrior and as such she had to accept that while Death was no friend, it was no stranger either.

In any circumstances, the strongest moral compass and the best intentions never truly justified taking a life. They did help to cope with it and appease conscience though. Still, a life was a life. Regardless of any other considerations, Beatrice was of the opinion that all lives should be valued equally. Thinking that some lives mattered more than others was a slippery slope toward extremes. Deciding who should live or die was a power that didn’t belong in any person’s hands.

Beatrice could tell Ava that Sister Frances was a monster with a God complex and no regards for life. She could tell her that although her action was not right, she had effectively saved herself, her friend Diego and who knows how many future victims. She could tell all those things.

She didn’t.

She didn’t say any of those things because she knew nothing she could say would alleviate that particular burden off Ava’s shoulders at that very moment. Ava would have to come to term with it on her own. Beatrice would help of course and be there every step, to talk it through and figure the path toward acceptance.

She gingerly put a hand on Ava’s back. Ava startled at the touch. Beatrice didn’t move, patiently waiting. It took a minute but eventually Ava dared to look at her. Amidst the maelstrom of emotions swirling into Ava’s eyes, guilt, fear and apprehension were the most prominent ones.

Beatrice cradled Ava’s face gently with her other hand then pull her closer. Ava didn’t resist and wrapped her arms around Beatrice in a bone crushing embrace.

Ava took a deep breath and the dam of her emotions broke loose.

Beatrice held on, solid as a rock while gut wrenching sobs shook Ava.

“In my dreams…” Ava hiccupped. “I’m paralyzed again… and she kills everyone… Diego… JC… and you and the others…” her breath was short and unsteady. “She’s laughing and… I can’t do anything but watch…”

Fresh tears doubled on Ava’s cheeks as haunting images from her nightmare came to the front of her mind. Every night, Ava was in her own version of Hell as soon as she closed her eyes.

“… and then she comes for me.”

On a good day, that was when Ava would wake up. On bad days, Frances turned into Adriel and if Ava was terrified when Frances was laughing and hurting people, there was no qualifier for when Adriel took her place.

Ava tightened the embrace trying to absorb Beatrice’s strength and warmth, letting it all wash over her and sip in through to chase away the cold of dread that was running into her veins.

Ava’s relief was incommensurable now that her secret was out. She breathed a little better. She knew it would take a long time before her action stopped haunting her (if it ever truly did), but at least now it would stop eating at her from within.

When she was confessing to Beatrice, the sound of bones snapping, how it had all felt in her hands…everything had come back to her so vividly she had felt sick.

She had expected bad things, judgement, words of reprimand, disgust… she had expected Beatrice to walk away from her. Instead, she had nearly jumped out of her skin at Beatrice’s delicate touch. She had been surprised when she had been brave enough to look up, only compassion and understanding had shone in Beatrice’s eyes.

It had taken the smallest nudge for her to melt into Beatrice’s arms, overwhelmed with emotion Ava had finally broken down.

Beatrice held Ava, she made sure she was breathing in and out slowly, subtly forcing Ava to match her, pacifying her. When she felt Ava’s fists unclenched around her shirt, Beatrice loosened her hold just a little bit and Ava pulled away and looked up at her.

They stared at one another. Neither spoke. Ava’s gratitude was silent but Beatrice heard it loud and clear all the same.

Ava took a step back, completely breaking their embrace. “I’m…tired…I think I’ll go to bed,” she announced with a small nod.

Beatrice acquiesced at her statement and watched her leave the kitchen. She took a deep breath, held it in then exhaled deeply. She’d need a moment to process everything, but not tonight. She chose to focus on cleaning the kitchen to keep her mind of the past few minutes.

She was finishing the dishes when she heard the bathroom door open again. She turned and faced Ava who was standing there awkwardly. With her slightly hunched posture and the way she was swaying from foot to foot, Ava seemed small, younger, to Beatrice.

“You know… you may as well share the bed with me from the beginning. That’s most likely where you’ll end up anyway,” Ava said with an uneasy chuckle.

Ava had a point, Beatrice knew she did, but… well, there was a discomfort she really didn’t want to dwell on. She didn’t want think about that tug she felt when she was holding Ava. It didn’t occur when she was focused on comforting her, no, it’d happen after, during the hour or so she’d keep watching over Ava after she’d fall asleep again.

She would feel the dull tingle of something warm and electric trying to bloom in her chest, in her whole being really. Something that felt good but that she’d instinctively want to repress because she could hear those nagging voices in the back of her mind telling her how wrong it all was among other things. She had spent a lifetime smothering those voices, burying them in the dark recess of her psyche. The very last thing she wanted was for them to be loose again, free, and loud.

Beatrice’s silence was unbearable to Ava. Sure, she had showed understanding and compassion earlier, but now that her confession had had time to truly sink in, Ava was overwhelmed with fear. Maybe Beatrice was disgusted with her after all, maybe she saw her as a monster.

She had just confessed to literal murder, and the thought of losing her friend over it was killing her.

“Do you mind sharing the bed with me?” she asked in one breath. “It’s just that… I feel better… safer when you’re near,” she admitted.

Ava didn’t wait for an answer and turned around to go to bed. She got on her side and forced her eyes closed. Maybe she’d fall asleep rapidly then and wouldn’t have to face an eventual rejection.

Tonight emotional rollercoaster had left her raw. She felt so vulnerable right now she knew she’d probably cry if Beatrice went to the couch. She needed her friend. And something as ridiculous and simple as sharing the bed would let her know that everything was fine, that nothing she had said had changed things between them.

Also, if she was honest, Ava craved Beatrice’s closeness right now. She hadn’t lied when saying that she felt safer with Beatrice by her side.

She heard Beatrice moving around the apartment for her night routine. The sound of the light switch echoed loudly in the silence when Beatrice turned off the light, then there was a long pause. Ava held her breath and sent a silent plea to the universe.

I feel…safer when you’re near

Ava’s words echoed in Beatrice’s mind. Whatever discomfort she felt was ridiculous and irrelevant right now. Ava needed her and that was all that mattered.

After a brief hesitation, she walked to the bed and lied down awkwardly on her back with her arms along her body. She felt tensed, and berated herself for it. She stared at the ceiling and concentrated on her breathing, trying to relax.

Should she hold Ava?

No, probably not, that would be weird. It was one thing to hold her when she was having a nightmare, it was another to initiate that kind of contact out of the blue.

The relief that washed over Ava upon feeling the pressure on the bed, was indescribable. After a couple of minutes, she rolled over to get on her other side so she was facing Beatrice. She cradled Beatrice’s hand in both of her own.

“Thank you,” she murmured.

She made out Beatrice’s little nod in the darkness and felt the small squeeze around her fingers. That was all the assurance she needed. Those gestures, as small as they were, let her know that nothing had changed between them, she still had her friend.

She still had her friend.

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The songs are 'Hang on Little Tomato' by Pink Martini and 'Feeling Good' by Anthony Newley and Leslie Bricusse (Nina Simone and Michael Buble both have very cool interpretations).

Thanks for reading

#ava silva #sister beatrice #ava x beatrice #avatrice #warrior nun #warrior nun fanfic #warriornun #warriornunfanfic #ao3 fanfic #warriornun fanfiction #times like these part 7 #timeslikethese fanfic #times like these fanfic part 7 #times like these

[soulnb42]

Senses and Sensibility

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything but those poor words.

Summary: Just a round of twenty questions in a lazy afternoon.

Hey everyone, first of all thank you so much for the notes and kind words over the previous parts of this trilogy, you’re awesome!

Here’s part three, much like part two it can stand alone, but I really think it’ll be more enjoyable if you have read part one and two first (you know, for the built up and all).

It’s an Avatrice story, so if it ain’t your thing, don’t read.

Enjoy,

AO3

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Ava’s heavy sigh echoed in the small apartment. It was a warm, lazy afternoon; usually she’d enjoy reading but she couldn’t really focus on her book, her mind was just restless.

“Bea?”

She called softly; putting her book on the nightstand, she then turned on her side so she could face Beatrice.

Beatrice was lying on her side, her head resting on the palm of her hand. It was nap time since they would be working the night shift today. Ava knew she should let her rest but she felt a bit hyper right now.

Beatrice had put her through the ringer during their training session all morning. Ava should be worn out but instead she was barely tired, courtesy of the halo.

“Hmm?” came the reply with a small delay.

Ava watched Beatrice dozing off and grinned softly because there was something immensely sweet about an unguarded Beatrice.

“What’s your favourite colour?” she finally asked the first question her mind latched on.

There was no response. Beatrice’s eyes were closed, her breathing soft and even. Ava guessed she had gone back to her slumber, yet another sign that she was exhausted. Oh well, Ava was fine with watching her sleep, observing Beatrice had become one of her favourite hobbies.

There was a soft intake of breath after almost two minutes. “Prussian blue,” Beatrice answered with a sleep-tinged voice. “…It’s a shade darker than royal and navy, I think…” another long pause. “It feels strong, and intense… I like it,” Beatrice continued, still half drifting in and out of sleep. “What about you?”

A grin spread wide onto Ava’s lips. She liked the fact that Beatrice never questioned where her mind went or why. No matter how random and odd the topic, Beatrice always indulged her and followed her train of thoughts as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Ava gave the question a thought. “I don’t know if I have a favourite,” she pouted pensively. “I like shades of blue-green like teal, ocean blue… or lagoon… I also like purple… and I like shades of green like kiwi and jade.” Her mind started reeling with its own colour wheel. “Oh! I like seashell, it’s kind of a pinkish orange… and melon, I like melon!”

The list didn’t stop there, Ava found herself mentioning at least thirty other hues. Beatrice chortled quietly. “So, basically, you like every colour.”

Ava was about to agree but then frowned. “Actually… I don’t know about yellow; I have a weird vibe when it comes to yellow,” she mused.

Beatrice slowly blinked her eyes open, giving up on her nap. “Weird? How so?”

“I don’t know… it’s neither cool nor warm… it… it…” Ava struggled to find her words. “…I don’t know… it just doesn’t speak to me. I mean, I don’t hate it, but I’m not sure I like it either.”

Beatrice tried to figured her own opinion regarding the colour. “Now that you mention it, I get the point. I think it can be good to look at, but I don’t think I’d like wearing it.”

She watched Ava’s face lit up suddenly with that glint indicating that she just remembered some interesting fact about the topic at hand. “Did you know that it’s said to be one of the hardest colours to work with?”

“Really?” Beatrice felt her eyebrows rise in surprise.

“Yep, I read it in an art theory book, can’t remember which, anyway… painters would do bowls of yellow fruits to show off their skills because it is one of the most difficult shades to paint with,” Ava explained. She barely took a breath before continuing.

“Fun fact, if they’d paint a peeled yellow fruit, the peel would actually be longer than it should be just so they could… flex on other painters, so to speak. I had never noticed it but upon reading about it, I’ve looked at some paintings from the 17th century and I can confirm that it is true,” Ava smirked.

Ava’s mind never failed to amaze Beatrice. She never knew where it’d take her, but it was always surprising. It could be light, or silly (or truly dumb) reflexions at times and the next they could dive into the depth of existentialism, knowledge and philosophy. One thing for sure, it was always an entertaining ride.

“Okay, flying or breathing under water?”

Beatrice rubbed at her eyes lazily to get rid of the last cobwebs. Ava was on a roll now, and apparently, they were in for a fresh round of twenty questions.

Beatrice had never been one to confide in others, too afraid to reveal her flaws, to be reminded how ‘abnormal’ she was. That was a pain she couldn’t bear to face again, so she had learnt to keep things to herself.

She was a good confidant, though. Somehow, it was easier to carry the others’ secrets than her own. Yet with Ava, things were different. She did confide in Ava, she did talk about her past, in fact she couldn’t remember a single time she had denied Ava an answer to any of the question she’d ever ask.

It occurred to Beatrice that they shared easily with one another. There was something about Ava that made her reach out and made her want to lower her walls a bit. Perhaps, part of it was a product of her protective instinct. While she hadn’t been exactly thrilled at Ava’s arrival in their row, she had wanted her to feel, if not welcome at the very least accepted. It hadn’t taken long for her to see beyond Ava’s constant goofiness.

Ava joked around all the time, but it was nothing more than a defence mechanism. From what she knew about Ava’s past, finding the funny in anything was what had kept her going for all the decade she had spent at the orphanage. It all made sense once she thought about it. Ava had had nothing; her wits, her humour, her emotions, those were among the very few things she had had control over.

Beatrice had paid attention and she had seen past that seemingly inability to take anything seriously. Ava was sensible and sensitive, observant and smart, soft and caring, generous and strong, oh so strong.

“What’s your favourite sense?”

The question brought Beatrice back from her reflexions. “Uh… that’s a very good question,” she frowned. “And a tough one at that… I don’t know actually, I’ll have to give a thought. What about you?”

Ava stared at her for a moment with an intensity that almost made her feel uncomfortable, then she smiled as if she held the secret of the world.

“I don’t have one. I love them all.”

Beatrice chuckled. “Of course, you do.”

She’d always found it endearing how Ava apprehended the world with open arms and mind, how she just appreciated everything and took everything in like a wonder.

“Yes, I do,” Ava confirmed.

It was true, Ava loved all her senses. She had spent over a decade experiencing the world through tv and books, in a grey room where colours barely changed with the seasons. After coming back to life everything was heightened to the point of constant sensory overload. Maybe it was a side effect of the halo, or maybe it was just the stark contrast of going from barely feeling anything to feeling everything, whatever the case every single day she was grateful to feel, simply feel the world through her senses.

Beatrice made that sensory overload tenfold, in the best possible way. Ava didn’t know when or how it came to be; it was just a fact. She had that epiphany a while ago.

“And with good reasons too,” she added with a smile.

There was a pause, a hesitation during which she pondered if she should say what was on her mind, if Beatrice was ready to hear it. She bit her bottom lip, looked away for a moment.

When her eyes settled back on Beatrice, she leapt over her doubt and set her words free.

“I favour my sense of taste because I can enjoy your food,” she said. “I love your cooking. It’s incredible. It is somewhat amazing how good you are at cooking considering the food we had at the OCS. No offence, it was okay, but it barely made it above ‘bland’ as far as taste go. Now, your cooking? The most wonderful trip for my tastebuds.”

Beatrice blushed at the compliment. “Thank you.”

“I favour my sense of hearing because I love the sound of your voice. You’re always so calm, your voice is soothing. I also love the sound of your laughter, it’s truly glorious.”

Ava did love hearing Beatrice laugh; she liked it so much she made it her mission to have her laugh at least once a day.

Beatrice felt her face getting even warmer at Ava’s words.

“I also love it when you sing. I don’t think you realize it but when you’re hyper focused on something, you sing. It’s sweet, really. And I enjoy it quite a lot.”

This time, oxygen left Beatrice’s lungs unexpectedly. She felt her eyebrows rise in astonishment. Just how much did Ava pay attention to her?

Ava seemed amused by her reaction and kept on. “I favour my sense smell because…” she leant a bit forward and whispered. “I like your fragrance, orange blossom or cotton blossom…depending on the soap you choose on any given day.”

Beatrice’s heart was pacing an odd beat now. She had to remind herself to breathe.

“I favour my sense of sight because… I like watching you. I think you’re fascinating. It’s amazing to see you pour yourself in the simplest or smallest task; like everything deserved your full attention. I can watch you for hours and always find something new about you. You always move with poise and grace and… I think you’re beautiful.”

Beatrice felt naked under Ava’s gaze. She had never had anyone looking at her with so much affection and admiration, it made her feel warm and… and…whatever it was she felt, it was too much.

“I favour my sense of touch because…”

With lightning speed, Ava put her hands on her hips and squeezed them before launching a tickling attack. Beatrice squealed in surprise then started to wiggle in a vain attempt to escape, laughing heartily.

“Mercy! Mercy!” she begged trying to push Ava’s hands away. She was laughing so hard she could barely breathe.

Ava was enjoying the sound so much she didn’t stop right away. She had sensed that Beatrice was overwhelmed and figured some levity was needed.

Beatrice was panting, her cheeks hurting a bit from her hysterical laughter. Of course Ava would find a way to force her to breathe again.

“I favour my sense of touch because I love making you scream with my fingers.”

“Ava!”

Watching Beatrice’s eyes almost popping out of their sockets while she gasped in shock and her face reddened was absolutely delightful. If the ability to speak was a sense, Ava knew she’d favour it because she adored teasing Beatrice or saying anything that’d make her lose her composure.

“Yeah, that did sound a bit dirty,” Ava waggled her eyebrows.

“You’re incorrigible,” Beatrice chastised her or at least she tried, because she was grinning even though she clearly didn’t want to.

“And proud of it.”

Beatrice rolled her eyes with mock exasperation. She was grateful for Ava’s goofiness and sense of humour. She was grateful for Ava just being Ava.

Someone had told her once that she was contained, which was a painfully accurate statement she could admit. She had spent a lifetime learning to always be in control of her emotions just so she wouldn’t get hurt by anything or anyone, so letting go didn’t come easy to her.

She liked having fun, joking around, laughing and just letting her hair down like anyone. It simply was counter intuitive to her nature. She had built herself to be serious, disciplined, to be stern and tempered because it was the only version of herself that the world had deemed acceptable.

When she was around Ava though, the iron grip she had over herself and her emotions always loosened. Ava always brought forth her softer side.

“I favour my sense of touch because I love hugging you… and showing you affection… I love how warm and soft you feel,” Ava said seriously.

Trust Ava to surprise her. When she had asked her question, Beatrice had figured she’d proceed to find her favourite sense by elimination. Which sense could she live without? Ava had tackled the question differently, why did she favoured each of her sense to begin with.

Under that new light, Beatrice understood Ava. It really was logical not to have a favourite sense. Now that she thought about it. She favoured all of her senses for the same reasons Ava favoured hers, albeit in different ways.

She loved watching Ava, to see her whole face lighting up whenever she'd take a scenery in or found beauty in the most mundane things. She just loved Ava’s seemingly perpetual state of amazement.

It was easy to forget that for all the knowledge she had soaked in, nurturing her brain, most of the time Ava was literally experiencing the rest of the world for the first time.

Beatrice couldn't imagine not hearing Ava laugh, or the excitement colouring her voice when she'd speak of one thing or another, or that mischievous note when she did a bad pun.

Some nights Ava would have nightmares. She’d toss in her sleep in a clear state of distress. Beatrice would take her in her arms and hold her tight against her. Then she’d slowly breathe in and out until Ava mimicked her unconsciously.

Once Ava would settle down, Beatrice would breathe her in, let Ava’s scent fill her lungs. It was quite intoxicating and she was addicted to that scent. Beatrice loved those moments because they were only hers. Ava never woke up when she was holding her and she’d always let go of Ava long before the morning.

They had shared a few kisses since the one she had given to Ava in the kitchen. Ava had been the one initiating them, they were always soft and almost chaste. One thing was certain: she absolutely loved the sweet taste of Ava’s lips.

Ava was tactile. Beatrice loved her sense of touch because she could feel Ava’s displays of affection. She just loved feeling Ava’s soft hands on her. Ava could convey so much with the simplest touch. Beatrice craved those touches, they always made her feel grounded, complete.

Yes, Beatrice favoured all her senses as well, even though she couldn’t voice it all aloud.

“As you can now see, it is impossible for me to have a favourite sense,” Ava concluded with a grin.

“You did make interesting points,” Beatrice agreed.

Ava’s gaze intensified, the emotion shining through it robbed Beatrice’s lungs from oxygen. Ava palmed her cheek and when she spoke again her tone was soft but serious.

“I love all of my senses because they enable me to love you, completely.” Ava caressed Beatrice’s skin softly. “And I do, Bea. I love you.”

Beatrice couldn’t remember ever hearing those words before. She was fairly certain she never had.

Nothing, absolutely nothing could have prepared her to hear those words.

All she had ever been prepared for was rejection. She understood the why and the how of rejection: she was ugly, flawed, unworthy, broken.

Ava knew all that. Ava could see the ugly, the flawed, the unworthy, the broken. She knew, she saw and yet there was no teasing in her voice, no trace of uncertainty.

The inner voices in Beatrice’s head kicked in to tell her she was unworthy but then something happened. Ava’s words kept echoing, silencing the rest until it was the only thing she could hear.

I love you.

Beatrice could feel Ava’s love radiating from her, like a warm, fuzzy current. It engulfed her, filled her up to the brim and suddenly it was like she was holding onto a live wire: every cell of her body was pulsing. She was overwhelmed, so much so she couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t put what she felt into words. It was too much, just way too much and it was petrifying. Were people wired to actually feel so much at once? Because she sure wasn’t.

It took a minute for her to be cognizant of her heart pounding so violently in her chest she felt on the verge of imploding.

And then, for the first time, her voice was the loudest in her head. It was boisterous, screaming: I love you, too.

Ava watched emotions flashing through Beatrice’s eyes one after the other: shock, incomprehension, fear, elation, wonder…

She could hear the gears in Beatrice’s head turning, she could easily imagine what was going on in there. She simply waited, rubbing her thumb gently against Beatrice’s cheek.

She knew she had been heard. She also knew Beatrice needed to come to acceptance of her words on her own.

Ava had no doubt about her feelings. She had thought she was in love once. Mary had dismissed her as being hormonal and though offended at the time, now that she had gained perspective, she could say Mary had been right.

She knew because what she felt for Beatrice was a universe away from what she had felt for JC. She had been very fond him that was for sure, but it had definitely not been love.

She loved Beatrice. It was that simple. Her love was unwavering, unconditional, all encompassing. It was a bit terrifying because it was so vivacious, she could barely contain it all. She wasn’t scared to feel that much though, if anything she felt… settled, like everything made sense.

Beatrice’s shaky intake of breath broke her out of her musings. She watched the inner struggle in those beautiful hazel eyes.

Then it happened. Ava saw the very moment things shifted. The moment Beatrice finally took it all in, and understood that it was all real and true.

Tears pooled in Beatrice’s eyes and they were shinning with marvel. Ava saw her lips moving but no words made it out.

Ava stayed silent. She knew how hard it was for Beatrice to lean into her emotions and trust that what she was feeling was fine. She also knew that while Beatrice was winning small battles against her inner demons every day, she still had to find her own voice.

It was okay because Ava didn’t need to hear Beatrice tell her she loved her back. She already knew because Beatrice told her so every day whether she was conscious of it or not. She told her through the way she took care of her, through the way she looked at her, smiled at her… it was all the tiny things. Ava had learnt to listen, and she heard Beatrice as clear as if she was screaming at the top of her lungs.

Beatrice took a deep breath to reign over her emotions.

Looking at Ava again, she made another attempt to speak but the words remained stuck in her throat. She briefly cursed her inaptitude to voice her feelings.

Oh well, there were other ways to communicate.

Ava was about to reassure Beatrice but words never made it past her lips. Beatrice surprised her with a kiss so fierce it sent her in orbit.

Beatrice kissed Ava with everything she was, pouring her heart out. She loved her too, by heavens she loved Ava too.

When Ava laughed into their kiss, Beatrice knew she had heard her silent declaration loud and clear.

They broke the kiss, both beaming with incommensurable joy. Beatrice could feel tears streaming down her cheeks but she didn’t care.

She might never feel deserving of Ava’s love, but she was no fool and she intended to hold onto that precious gift with dear life. More importantly, she’d show Ava that her love was reciprocated any way she could, even if it wasn’t with words. Without hesitation, she kissed Ava again.

Ava loved Beatrice.

Beatrice loved Ava.

That was that.

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Thanks for reading!

#warrior nun #warriornun #warrior nun fanfic #warriornunfanfic #avatrice #ava silva #sister beatrice #ava x beatrice #ava x sister beatrice #avasilva #sisterbeatrice #avaxbeatrice #warriornunfandom #warrior nun fandom #ao3fanfic #sweet #romance

[soulnb42]

Times Like These (part 2)

AO3

Part 2

“Ava, come on,” Beatrice’s prompt took her out of her slumber.

They switched vehicle for the third time (or was it the fourth?). The details were blurry, Ava barely kept up with what was going on. It was like being caught in a loop, driving for a while, changing cars with different OCS operatives, driving again.

Ava couldn’t hold a thought still. Had it all really happened? Had she unleashed a malevolent entity onto the world?

Maybe this was just a bad dream…

She closed her eyes and forced air into her lungs in a vain attempt to calm herself down. The idea that people got hurt, were getting hurt because of her weighted on her chest like an anvil.

She glanced at the others in the car. Beatrice probably felt her gaze and she glanced back, the thin line of her lips not really managing to form a reassuring grin. She hadn’t addressed Ava except to give her quick orders when they had had to change car.

Ava didn’t bother asking questions, her guts told her that she wouldn’t get any answers. Beatrice and the others kept getting instructions whispered in their ears. She only had their sides of the conversation where the words ‘protocol’, ‘breach’, ‘betrayal’, ‘compromise’ were coming back repeatedly.

They also talked about her, if Beatrice’s furtive glances were any indication. Upon realizing she was purposefully being kept out of the loop, Ava had simply tuned out their voices.

They had made it through the night.

In fact, the sun had come out and would be on its way down again soon.

“We’re here,” the driver announced.

Ava didn’t know exactly where ‘here’ was, but the van had stopped in the court of what she assumed was a convent.

Beatrice opened the march and Ava followed numbly. She was beat, she had only dozed off briefly during the car rides. Beatrice looked tired but Ava doubted she had taken a single moment to rest.

It was odd the things her mind latched on as she looked around. The flower beds on the side, the vegetable garden, the colour of the habit worn by the nuns waiting for them at the entrance.

Ava felt the hair at the back of her neck prickle, a sense of unease she couldn’t explained that was settling in.

“Ava, this is sister Othilia, she’s going to stay with you while I take care of some…things,” Beatrice announced.

The words were like an icy shock down her spine, it took Ava out of her current apathy.

What was going to happen to her now? Was Beatrice about to leave her here? Was this the protocol? That would explain those fleeting glances in the car. This was why she had been kept out of the loop…

Up until that very moment, the possibility that she and Beatrice would part ways hadn’t occurred to her. Now that she thought about it though, it made sense and she felt stupid.

Beatrice put a hand on her shoulder. “I’ll be back later.”

No, maybe she was just panicking. Beatrice would have told her otherwise, right? She wouldn’t look at her like everything was fine if she was about to get rid of her.

Trust your team…

Beatrice was her team.

Trust your team.

Ava nodded as she tried to swallow the ball of anxiety stuck in her throat.

“Follow me,” sister Othilia invited her with a soft smile.

They walked through several corridors until they reached a room. “Do you need, medical assistance?”

Ava shook her head. She had been hurt but the Halo had long since done its job to ‘mend’ her.

“There’s a bathroom, right there and a change of clothes on the bed,” Othilia continued. “I’ll be outside when you’re done.”

Ava picked up the change of clothes and went to the bathroom.

The hot spray of water seemed to alleviate her growing panic, at least it did until she watched it take a pinkish hue as dry blood washed away. Panic rose again and soon the water wasn’t the only thing running down her face.

Camilla, Lilith and Mary… they had left them behind, maybe they were hurt, or worse… and it was all her fault.

Nope, she couldn’t go there.

“Get a grip!” she berated herself.

Okay, she needed to calm down and think.

What if Beatrice was just arranging the details of dumping her somewhere? Liked it or not that possibility was very real. She had something they needed to keep safe, the Halo. She was only a vessel, so nobody really cared about how she felt or her opinion. She, Ava, was an afterthought at best.

What if she ran?

Right, where would she go? She didn’t even know where they were now.

She had tried the whole going rogue and independent and it had not work out at all. Now that there was a bigger evil who could and would hurt her given the chance, her survival-on-her-own odds had clearly taken a dive.

Ava knew fear, but she hadn’t known terror until she had been alone facing Adriel. Just thinking about it made her body tremble all over.

No, running was not an option.

She couldn’t stay with people she didn’t know though, that was even more terrifying an idea.

The only way out was to get rid of the Halo… but how?

It had to reject her or she had to die? Wait, supposing she figured out how to make the Halo reject her, would she die anyway?

Fuck. How had her life turned into this whole mess? How had she gone from wishing to be dead, to being dead, to being brought back to life by some supernatural artefact, to fighting demons with said artefact?

She started pacing into the small room. She needed to find a way out. At least to come up with a plan B. The first plan was to talk to Beatrice and convince her not to drop her.

She exited the room with the intention to go find Beatrice, but Sister Othilia had other plans and just took her to their common hall where she was offered some food.

Ava’s stomach was tied into a knot so she didn’t eat anything. She asked for Beatrice but was told ‘not to worry about it’.

A terrifying thought started nagging at her. What if Beatrice had already gone?

Sister Othilia eventually led her back to the room where she had changed and left her there. Ava started to pace back and forth the second she was alone.

Even though she had nowhere to run to, she knew that if Beatrice walked away without her, she would escape. No wall could contain her, that much she knew. Maybe she could go back to the others, Mother Superion would know what to do, and surely, she’d take her back in.

She didn’t know how much time had passed when a soft knocked echoed from the door. In spite of her lack of response the door opened a little and Beatrice’s face appeared in the embrasure.

“Beatrice,” the name was spoken like a sigh of relief.

“May I come in?”

Ava nodded eagerly. She took note of Beatrice’s appearance. She frowned at the scrapes and bruises marring Beatrice’s face.

“Are you okay?” Ava asked with concerned. She reached out a hand but stopped short of making contact.

“Yes, don’t worry.”

Ava acquiesced. Thoughts were running haywire in her brain. She took a deep breath and words stumbled out of her mouth. “Please, don’t kick me to the curve,” she rushed to say.

“I know I’m just a job to you and I understand, but please, please don’t leave me here. I’ll do anything, follow orders, whatever you need me to do, I’ll do it… just please… don’t dump me with strangers… please…”

“Dump… what?”

Ava was so caught up in her plea she missed the widening of Beatrice’s eyes and her stunned expression.

“I promise, I won’t be any trouble, just don’t leave me here, don’t leave me… okay… because you’re all I have and I’m scared… I know I messed up, but please… I’m begging you, don’t…”

Despair was colouring her words but Ava didn’t care. She’d get on her knees if she had to. She’d do anything at this point, so dignity was the last thing she cared about.

“Ava…slow down,” Beatrice raised her hands in a calming gesture. “Slow down…” shaking her head as if to her kickstart her brain, then she continued. “I have no intention to leave you anywhere.”

“No?” Ava asked softly not daring to hope.

“No, of course not,” Beatrice emphasized.

Ava didn’t think and just rushed forward to take Beatrice in her arms and held on for dear life because right at this moment Beatrice was very much like a life line. The embrace was probably too tight to be comfortable, but Ava couldn’t help herself. She was so overwhelmed with relief that a sob escaped her lips and embarrassing tears started to pool at the corners of her eyes.

Much like the first time it had happened, Beatrice was taken aback by the sudden hug and it took her a few seconds to return the embrace. Feeling Ava’s trembling body made her snap back to reality. Ever since they had left the Vatican she had focus on her mission as a sister warrior, blocking anything else. Only now did she realize that she had essentially left Ava to stress out and talking herself into bad scenario.

Ava pulled back suddenly and wiped her eyes hastily. “Sorry…”

“No… don’t be,” Beatrice cut her off softly. She rubbed a hand on her forehead “This is…unprecedented, I’m out of my depth here and… a little scared if I’m honest,” Beatrice whispered the last part. “The only way I know how to cope is to hyperfocus on the task at hand, in this case, keeping you safe.”

Ava nodded in understanding. She felt a bit better now that Beatrice was indeed talking to her.

“I’m used to missions, and things going wrong,” Beatrice continued. “But you’re not and I’ve been shutting you out…letting you stew in your anxiety… and for that I’m sorry.”

Ava was agreeing with that statement, but she didn’t say anything because pushing Beatrice away held no appeal.

“So… you’re definitely not leaving me here…” Ava demanded confirmation with a shaky voice.

“Definitely not,” Beatrice assured her.

Beatrice’s mind caught up with some of Ava’s words, now she understood how truly terrified Ava must have been during the last hours. After a brief hesitation she put a hand on Ava’s shoulder, and took a moment to find the right words to assuage her fear.

“Ava, it is my job to protect you, yes, but you’re not a job. You’re my friend. Even if I had received the order to leave you, I wouldn’t have obeyed it.”

Ava looked so small and vulnerable; Beatrice remembered Ava’s confession about her deepest fear. She made a mental note to remind Ava that she was not alone on regular basis, clearly that fear was a gigantic beast and it would take time to tame it.

“You really mean that?” uncertainty coloured Ava’s tone. Tears were rolling silently along her cheeks.

“Yes,” Beatrice replied firmly. “I promised, remember? We’ll never leave you, you’ll always have us…” Beatrice trailed off, because right now the fate of Camilla, Lilith, Mary and the others was unknown. “I’ll never leave you, you’ll always have me, no matter what.”

Ava let out a breathless chuckle through her tears, remembering the promise. “Right… even if I was quadriplegic, festooned with boils or if I was a talking head in a bag…”

“Exactly.”

Ava took a deep breath and wiped her tears again. “Okay, good,” she said with a nod.

She surprised Beatrice with another fierce hug. Beatrice wasn’t use to so much physicality, still she understood Ava’s apparent need for it, so she awkwardly returned the embrace and patiently waited for Ava the pull back when she felt ready to.

It took almost two minutes for Ava to feel grounded again. She let go of Beatrice “Thank you,” she murmured.

Beatrice acquiesced silently then cleared her throat. “Listen… I can’t tell you much right now, mainly because I don’t have the full picture myself. For now, you need to get some rest because we’ll leave again before dawn.”

Ava bobbed her head up and down as she took everything in. “What about you?”

“I have a last briefing in a few. Then I’ll get some rest as well in the room next to yours.”

“Alright.”

“Are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay then, I’ll see you later. And please, get some rest,” Beatrice ordered softly with a pat on Ava’s shoulder.

Ava watched Beatrice leave the room. Once the door was shut, she dropped onto the bed and let out a deep sigh of relief. She didn’t care what happened next now that she knew Beatrice would be by her sides. As long as that was the case, she knew they’d get through anything.

Feeling utterly drained, she closed her eyes and let herself sink into the sweet oblivion of sleep.

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#warrior nun #ava silva #sister beatrice #ava x beatrice #avatrice #warrior nun fanfic #warriornunfanfic #fanfic #fanfiction #ao3 fanfic #timeslikethese fanfic #times like these #times like these fanfic part 2 #times like these part 2

[soulnb42]

Times Like These (part 6)

AO3

Part 6

Beatrice slowed her pace then came to a stop when Ava caught up with her. Ava immediately bent over, holding her knees, her lungs were burning with the exertion, so much so she was practically wheezing.

“I think… I prefer when… you kick my butt,” Ava stated, still trying to catch her breath. “Never… thought I’d say that… and mean it…”

Beatrice laughed softly. She had made them run at a steady pace through an uneven terrain across the wood for almost an hour. She had meant for it to be a warm up, but seeing how it had taken the wind out of Ava, she made a mental note to add a little more cardio in their daily training routine.

Ava was still heaving when she straightened up. She looked at Beatrice incredulously. “I’m pretty sure… I’ve lost a lung back there,” she pointed a thumb over her shoulder. “And you’re… not even winded…” she rolled her eyes. “…figures.”

Beatrice stretched a bit then just sat down and enjoyed the scenery. They had reached a lake; the view was quite stunning with the mountains in the background. Ava dropped on the floor next to her, she was still breathing heavily but her lungs were no longer on fire.

“Do you want to talk about last night?”

Beatrice’s question took her by surprise. She felt a shiver run down her spine at the memory of her nightmare and shook her head vehemently. “Not really, no.”

“Okay,” Beatrice nodded. “I’m here if you ever change your mind.”

Ava nodded to acknowledge the offer but didn’t say anything else.

They remained quiet for a long time. Beatrice looked at Ava and she could see the dark cloud hovering above her head. So far, she had let Ava on her own devices, but today she knew she would push her to talk. They needed to get to the core of what was bothering her.

Last night, when she was watching over Ava after her nightmare, she had an epiphany. Well, not so much an epiphany than a reminder. The Halo was tied to Ava’s emotions. So, she had put herself in Ava’s shoes and it occurred to her that Ava was afraid and maybe she didn’t want to fight.

It was easy to forget that Ava had not been prepared for the Halo. Every bearer before her had been trained beforehand, they had accepted the assignment willingly. Mother Superion had been ready, Shannon had been ready, and even if things hadn’t gone according to plan

Ava…had been thrown into a brand-new world, a world that expected her to fight and die for it.

It was unfair. She had been given another life only for it to come with insane caveats.

Then Beatrice had remembered the note Ava had left behind that time she had run away from the OCS: I want to live.

It was that simple.

Beatrice had thought long and hard, in the end she came to a decision that went against everything she was standing for, but one that was at least fair to Ava, consequences be damned.

“This is a nice place,” Beatrice mused aloud. “The décor is beautiful, it’s quiet and peaceful, people are nice… you could have a good life here.”

She felt Ava’s gaze on her, but kept on watching the scenery. “I could tell the others you’ve escaped my watch, while making sure they never find you,” she shrugged.

Ava stared at Beatrice, when their eyes met, she scrutinized her face for a long moment. Was Beatrice serious?  Would she really do that?

Beatrice looked at her with her usual benevolent soft grin, and just like that Ava knew, that yes, she meant it. Beatrice would lie for her and give her a chance at another life.

Ava nodded before looking away.

It was a tempting offer, an illusory one, but tempting still. She knew from experience that ‘simple’ and ‘normal’ were no longer an option for her, at least as long as the Halo was embedded in her back.

The way she saw it, there were three options. One, trying to get rejected by the Halo and potentially go back to being dead; two, fighting Adriel and most likely dying; or three, hiding and pretending the world wasn’t burning around her. Option three came with another caveat: she’d be on her own; sure Beatrice would be there but only from afar. If that was the price of ‘normal’ then she didn’t want it. Not to mention that Adriel would eventually find her and would most likely kill her because she wouldn’t have had any training whatsoever.

So… pestilence, cholera or plague, those were her options.

“You don’t owe anything to anyone,” Beatrice added as if reading her mind.

Ava closed her eyes and exhaled deeply. “I kind of do though. If it wasn’t for me, Adriel would still be locked in a tomb,” she muttered.

She didn’t know Adriel’s agenda, but something told her that hugs and cuddles were not on it. She couldn’t bear the idea of more people getting hurt because of her.

“It’s kind of my mess to clean up.”

“Our mess,” Beatrice corrected her.

“Right…” Ava snorted dejectedly 

“We are a team, Ava,” Beatrice said firmly. “Whatever burden you carry, you don’t have to do it alone, you can lean on me.”

There was something overwhelming reassuring to know that she had Beatrice by her side, that she was her ride or die team mate. Somehow, she doubted she would have felt as safe with anyone else.

“You can trust me.”

“I trust you!” Ava exclaimed.

“Then talk to me,” Beatrice prompted her gently.

Ava sighed heavily. She didn’t want to admit what had been weighing heavily on her mind, but Beatrice was right, they were a team. More importantly, at the moment and who knows for how long, they only had each other; that meant she couldn’t keep shutting Beatrice out.

“I’m useless…” she admitted in a mumble.

She felt Beatrice’s gaze on her but refused to meet her eyes.

Beatrice was truly confused and didn’t get where Ava was coming from with that statement.

“We are a team and I’m supposed to be the leader… but I can’t pull my own weight.”

Sensing that there was much more to unpack, Beatrice remained silent, patiently waiting for Ava to get it all out.

“We had to leave the others behind, because I couldn’t pull my own weight,” Ava continued “We’ve been here for 10 days and if it wasn’t for you, I’d probably be sleeping under a bridge because I can’t pull my own weight!” the more she spoke the more agitated Ava got, her voice growing louder.

“I can’t…” she grunted in frustration. “But you… you know what to do, you always know what to do… I mean… within two days you… stocked the apartment with everything we may need on a day-to-day basis… you’d scouted the place for training space… put down a training program… Geez… you even secured us a job at the local bar…”

She pulled aggressively at some blades of grass and threw them away. “I couldn’t have done any of that… because I don’t know any of that stuff… so far, all I do is waiting on you for directives and sucking hard at training!”

She shook her head. “How am I supposed to lead when I can’t even do the simplest things?”

Beatrice was no stranger to pressure. Holding herself to the highest standards was her MO, but Ava was taking that to another level. If she was honest, had she been in Ava’s shoes she didn’t think she would have cope half as well as Ava had. Clearly Ava wasn’t giving herself any credit.

“Ava…” Beatrice didn’t really know where to start. She rubbed a hand over her forehead. After a second, she decided to tackle every point from the easiest to the hardest. “I’ve lived on my own and had to find a job before the OCS… however brief those periods in my life were, I’ve had the opportunities to face those situations and therefore learn, but rest assured I was as clueless as you before that.”

She paused to give Ava a moment to take her words in.

After a minute she continued. “You were in car crash when you were seven, spent over a decade being paralyzed, you died… then you were revived by the Halo and thrown into a world where you were forced to fight literal demons…” she held a finger out for every instance she enumerated. “I think we can agree on the fact that all of this did not leave that many opportunities to learn about mundane stuff,” Beatrice pointed out. “To be honest, you have faired pretty well, all things considered, so cut yourself some slack.”

Beatrice’s perspective on things did make sense, Ava thought.

“You suck at training… well yeah, but then again that is the point of training. You suck now, so you won’t suck on the field. You may suck but you’re putting the work and that’s all that matters,” she sensed Ava’s protest coming but cut her off. “You do, always have. Case in point, you went from getting stuck in walls to crossing twenty feet of concrete and more. Do you have a lot to learn? Yes, but we’re just getting started our new regimen, so again, cut yourself some slack.”

Beatrice took a deep breath as she launched onto the last point. She understood Ava’s guilt over what had happened in the Vatican, she felt it as well. Unlike Ava though, she knew that their escape had been the only viable option.

“You did pull your weight in the Vatican. The mission went belly-up but it wasn’t because of you. You did what you were supposed to.”

They were all mislead and betrayed by Father Vincent, he was the only one to know what they were walking into.

“We left because…”

“It was the best of our options,” Beatrice finished. “We are warriors not kamikazes. That means we don’t engage in a conflict without a complete understanding of our odds. That night, we were outnumbered, under geared and more importantly we were not prepared for such a fight.”

“If Shannon had been there…” Ava tried to insist once more but was cut off again.

“The outcome would have been the same. We might have fought 5 minutes more but in the end, we’d have retreated to ensure her safety,” Beatrice countered firmly.

Ava sighed in resignation. She was hearing Beatrice but it was hard to accept.

“I’m not saying that to make you feel better Ava. It’s the truth, plain and simple.”

“Okay…” Ava finally conceded. “I just wish, there had been another way,” she added in a whisper.

“I know, so do I.”

They fell into silence again. Contemplating the scenery.

Ava watched her hand caressing the grass, she closed her eyes to focus on the sensation. It didn’t matter how much time had passed since she had recovered all of her senses. The fact that she could just feel never ceased to amaze her. Every single day she was grateful at the simple fact that she could experience everything through her senses.

“I’m scared,” she finally confessed to Beatrice.

She didn’t specify anything because her fear was encompassing so much. She was terrified of being alone, of being paralyzed again, of losing sensation in her body, of dying…

“So am I,” Beatrice replied.

Ava looked at Beatrice in surprise. Beatrice always seemed unphased by anything, so strong and confident, like she could take on the whole world by herself. To have her admit that she was scared, was… unnerving. It was oddly comforting at the same time.

“I hate not knowing what’s coming next… not having a real sense of direction.”

“Yeah, that definitely sucks.”

“The only way I know how to cope is to focus on what we can control,” Beatrice continued. “From my experience dwelling on the rest is just feeding our fears and making things worse.”

Ava chuckled. “There you go… knowing what to do, yet again,” she teased with a smirk which made Beatrice rolled her eyes. She leaned in to bum her shoulder with Beatrice’s and both started to laugh a little.

For the first time since the start of there exile, the tension was lifted. As much as Ava hated to admit it, that talk they’d just had made her feel a bit better.

“Thank you,” she said.

The words seemed inadequate, not merely enough. Ava didn’t have the words to express how grateful she was. Beatrice had assuaged some of her fears; she had given her a new perspective on things; more than that she had given her a choice. So far, she had been the only one to do so. Sure, all of her choices sucked, but it was nice to at least give her the option to decide of her fate in the end.

Sure, she was still afraid of what was to come but knowing that Beatrice felt the same and was there with her made her feel a tad better.

“Yeah… just… thank you,” she repeated.

Somehow, Ava knew Beatrice understood all the unsaid behind her words. “Sure,” Beatrice nodded with that soft grin of hers.

Ava looked away at the mountains again, she was feeling much too vulnerable and needing to get her emotions back in check.

“Do you mind if we stay here for a while?”

“Not at all,” she saw Beatrice shake her head from the corner of her eye.

“Cool,” she acquiesced before lying down completely.

She took a deep breath then released it. She looked at the clouds and tried to relax. She focused on the smell of grass and nature, on the soft breeze caressing her skin, on the sound of nature and the lake.

For a little while, she was going to pretend that life was simple, no Halo, no demons, no exile; just her enjoying a quiet moment in the middle of nature with a friend.

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#ava silva #sister beatrice #avatrice #ava x beatrice #warrior nun #warriornun #warrior nun fanfic #warriornunfanfic #ao3 fanfic #warriornun fanfiction #times like these fanfic part 6 #timeslikethese fanfic #times like these part 6

[soulnb42]

Times Like These (part 3)

AO3

Part 3

“I don’t mean to sound ungrateful or anything… but, you’d think they could afford slightly better places,” Ava mused aloud, looking around and taking in their new space.

“We’re meant to lay low. A luxurious loft or the penthouse suite of a five stars hotel don’t exactly spell ‘incognito’,” Beatrice pointed out as she moved around the small apartment.

Beatrice had been given money, passports, some weapons and gears they might need. She had been presented with a map showing the locations of the different hideouts owned by the OCS. The plan was for her to choose one for her and Ava without telling anyone which one she’d pick. The less people know where they were the better.

She had chosen one in Switzerland, and she had memorized the coordinates of five other places just in case they had to be on the move quickly.

They had left the last convent in Italy right before dawn, escorted by a small team. After an hour they had parted ways with them. She hadn’t taken the most direct road to their destination, instead she had taken several detours for the first hour just to make sure they weren’t followed. Once she had been satisfied that they had had no tails, she had settled on their journey.

“Fair point,” Ava conceded with a tilt of her head. “I like the décor… who knew beige could pop?”

Beatrice grinned with amusement. For the first time since what seemed like ages ago, she felt like they were back to normal with Ava being a smartass any chance she could get.

The apartment was small, cosy. One kitchen, one bathroom, one water closet, one living room slash bedroom…and now they were both staring at the one elephant in said living room: the bed.

The only bed.

“I’ll… take the couch,” Beatrice announced after a long silence.

“There’s no need… I mean, it’s big enough for the both of us.”

“Yeah well… my experiences sharing a bed have been painful. Lilith elbowed me in the face and Camilla almost smothered me with crocodile death rolls.”

While both incidents were true, if Beatrice was honest, the reason behind her reticence to share a bed with Ava had more to do with the fact that proximity to Ava tended to stir things in her she’d rather not think about.

“Crocodile what?” Ava chortled with a frown.

“Crocodile death rolls, aggressively tossing and turning in one’s bed.”

“Is that really what the dictionary says?”

“I don’t know about the dictionary, but that’s my definition,” Beatrice pointed out.

“Well, I've learnt something new today.”

Beatrice dropped the bags she was holding in the corner of the room, then extracted a tablet from one of them. Ava sat next to her and silently watched. While she was still new at using technology, she had a deep understanding of it, after all, being paralyzed for over a decade meant her mind was the only muscle she had been able to work on and developed to her liking.

It barely took a couple of seconds to figure that Beatrice was using and encrypted interface. After a couple of minutes, Beatrice put the tablet down. “I’ve sent a message to the HQ, they’ll reach us when they can,” she explained.

At her words, the anxiety Ava had managed to tamp down resurfaced. She briefly hesitated but then voiced her mind. “What’s the plan?”

Beatrice took a deep breath. She thought about all the meetings she had had with the rest of the OCS. They were in an unprecedented situation. They were also in the dark as to what they were facing, which meant they didn’t have any real plan.

The only certainty they had right now was that at some point they would face Adriel once more.

“We have to lay low. That part means we’ll have to find jobs to provide for…”

“Jobs… just how long are we supposed to stay here?” Ava rose from the couch and started to pace.

“I don’t know, Ava,” Beatrice said calmly. “To be perfectly honest, there’s very little anyone know. As of right now, for us, the plan is to lay low, keep you safe, train you and wait for further directives.”

Ava stopped her pacing and looked at Beatrice. “…train.”

“Yes.” Beatrice could feel Ava’s dread, unfortunately her next words were not reassuring at all, so she softened her voice in an attempt to keep Ava calm. “There’s no telling when, but facing Adriel again is inevitable. Running away won’t be an option the second time around, so we have to make sure you’re ready. And…”

The air seemed heavier to Ava. She could barely breathe; she felt some invisible force coiling around her and slowly constricting her whole body. She didn’t want to be here, she didn’t want to fight, she didn’t want to face Adriel again.

She couldn’t…

That thing Adriel did to her when she was in the tomb… she couldn’t face him again, no amount of training would help her. She was going to die… that was it…

She hadn’t signed for this, this was not her life… she… couldn’t… she didn’t want to die… this wasn’t her fight, this wasn’t…

Beatrice watched in horror as Ava mentally spiralled down. She was heaving now and Beatrice was afraid she might pass out soon. In a second, Beatrice stood up in front of Ava, grabbed her face to force her attention back on her.

“Ava, look at me…breathe.”

Try as she might, Ava couldn’t suck in oxygen.

“Breathe,” Beatrice said again. “In and out… slowly.”

Ava forced herself to focus on Beatrice and match her breathing.

“That’s it…in… and out…”

If her breathing was back under control, the fear was still burning through every inch of her body.

“Listen… I know this is a lot,” Beatrice spoke softly. “And I know you’re scared, but we’ll figure things out and I won’t let anything happen to you, you hear me?”

Ava searched Beatrice’s eyes, she saw no doubt, no hesitation, only certainty. “Ava, you have my word. I won’t leave your side or let you get hurt… I promise.”

Part of her kept thinking that Beatrice was making a promise she wouldn’t be able to keep, because she didn’t know what Adriel was capable of. The other part of her was reassured though, for she knew that Beatrice would keep her word no matter what, even if she failed in the end.

Ava believed Beatrice, more importantly she trusted her. She was still scared out of her mind, but she wasn’t alone. She had Beatrice and Beatrice had her back. As long as that statement was true, things would be okay.

“I promise,” Beatrice repeated once more.

Ava gave a feeble nod. “Okay.”

---------------------------------------------

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[soulnb42]

Bell Peppers Interlude

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything but those poor words.

Summary: A deep conversation in the kitchen lead to some interesting trivia about bell peppers.

Hey everyone, here’s part two of the trilogy. It can stand alone, but it might be more enjoyable if you read part one.

It’s an Avatrice story, so if it ain’t your thing, don’t read.

Enjoy,

AO3

---------------------------------

Ava leant against the kitchen doorframe and grinned. Beatrice had her back to her, from the sound and her movements, Ava guessed Beatrice was cutting something on the chopping board.

Watching Beatrice was one of the things Ava liked to do, especially when Beatrice was lost in her own world. Ava was fascinated by the way Beatrice always put all her focus in the smallest task. Everything had to be perfect or perfectly executed.

What she liked most was when Beatrice was immersed into what she was doing and would sing to herself, like right now.

Ava indulged in her contemplation for two minutes. She watched Beatrice set her knife aside and grab the towel she had over her left shoulder to dry her hands. She silently walked behind her and set her hands on her hips. She then put her head against her back, listening to the soft echoes of her heartbeat.

Beatrice startled at the unexpected touch, but immediately relaxed. Ava’s arms tentatively snaked around her waist. The warmth and affection filled her with delight. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before her insecurities and the ugly voices in her head resurfaced. She tensed in spite of herself, and the feeling that she was doing something wrong took over.

Ava felt the shift and undid her embrace immediately. She moved to Beatrice’s side and leant against the counter so she was kind of facing her. Beatrice kept her eyes cast downward, focusing on whatever was on the chopping board.

“What are you cooking?” Ava broke the awkward silence with what she hoped was a casual tone.

“I’m… improvising,” Beatrice replied with a small shake of her head.

Ava nodded. She could walk away but the tension made her uneasy. “You okay?” she asked softly.

“Yup,” Beatrice’s response was immediate but unconvincing.

Inwardly Beatrice was reciting her new mantra, trying to fight off her inner demons. There’s nothing wrong with me…what I feel is normal… I am normal… there’s nothing wrong with me…

“Are we?”

“Of course.”

Ava frowned and hesitated. Something was off and worry was starting to twist her guts. “You think you could…say that again while looking at me?” she let out a nervous chuckle.

Beatrice’s head snapped up to look at her. “We’re good,” she flashed a lifeless grin before returning her a gaze on the bell pepper she was chopping.

Ava’s mind started to recall the past few days. They had kissed a couple of weeks ago. Beatrice had seemed fine with it then, just as elated as she had been. Ever since, Ava had felt the constant need to express her affection via little touches. A hand on Beatrice’s, on her shoulder, on the back of her neck or on her arm. Nothing exuberant, just small gestures to connect them physically. Beatrice would always grin before looking away, like she had just now.

However, Ava realised that maybe she may have misinterpreted discomfort for bashful reciprocity…which would explain why Beatrice never initiated anything or returned the gestures…

Oh damn… Ava was about to be sick.

“I’m sorry,” she said with contrition. “I thought…” she trailed off. She had thought that Beatrice had welcome those displays of affection, never considering otherwise until now. “I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable with my touches…”

There’s nothing wrong with me… what I feel is normal… I am… wait what?

Beatrice looked up again. She had been so locked up in her own head, her responses to Ava been automatic. Ava’s words were only now making it through the thick veil of her inner struggle.

“Ava, no,” her words tumbled in a rush, mingling with Ava’s as they spoke at the same time. “You didn’t…you didn’t make me uncomfortable…”

“I won’t…do it again… I…” Ava petered out.

“You didn’t make me uncomfortable,” Beatrice repeated more firmly now that she had Ava’s attention.

Ava stared at her, gauging her. “Are you sure?” she bit her lower lip anxiously. “Your face and body are kind of saying the opposite, right now.”

“You didn’t, I promise.” Beatrice assured her. “I like… I like your touches,” she added in a whisper.

“Yeah?” a tentative grin pulled at the corner of Ava’s lip.

“Yeah.”

Ava let out a sigh of relief, she hadn’t misinterpreted anything. Now that Beatrice was looking at her, truly looking at her, she could see the affection mirroring her own. Though timid, it was there, resolute.

“Good,” she acquiesced with a soft grin.

After a long pause, Beatrice returned her attention to the bell peppers she was prepping. Ava kept her eyes on her.

Something was bothering Beatrice. Whatever it was, it ran deep, Ava could sense that much.

“Tell me?”

Beatrice ignored the soft prompt and kept cutting the peppers, clearly not wanting to talk. Ava didn’t probe again, but waited patiently. Sometimes silence was the best incentive.

It took almost two minutes but eventually Beatrice stopped her movement. When she spoke, her eyes remained on her stilled hands.

“When you spend a lifetime being told that something is wrong with you, that what you feel is wrong… that you’re some kind of aberration of nature… and you get daily reminders of those beliefs shove down your throat for long enough… after a while it becomes your reality.”

Beatrice raised her gaze sideways but didn’t meet her eyes.

“You become that ugly thing they say you are… and you hate that thing… even more than they do…” she snorted bitterly. “So, you do everything to smother that part of you, to fit into the right mould… to be acceptable… normal… or at least what they deem normal.”

She looked away, tilted her head up as if to hold back tears and cleared her throat. She turned her head back in Ava’s direction, but still didn’t look at her in the eyes.

“Even when you learn better… when you start understanding that they were the problem, not you… their voices are still loud in your head… the loudest… because of years of conditioning…”

Ava stood still. She could feel how taxing it was on Beatrice to open up and reveal so much. If she spoke, her words would be maladroit at best, and saying ‘sorry’ felt inadequate. So, she remained silent, because she didn’t want to spook Beatrice into a retreat, and she didn’t have the right words anyway.

She watched helplessly Beatrice wiping off her tears with the back of her hand in a delicate gesture.

After a beat, Beatrice finally looked Ava in the eyes.

“Objectively,” she continued “I know there’s nothing wrong with me… or the way I feel…I know that, I do… but it’s hard to shut those voices up…”

Beatrice put her hand close to the one Ava had on the countertop. She tentatively put her pinkie over Ava’s. “I like your touches, they help me being louder,” her sheepish grin made Ava’s stomach flutter. “Please…don’t stop…”

Ava smiled back. “I won’t.”

Beatrice stared at their touching hands, moving her pinkie in a hesitant caress. “It’s not that I don’t want to initiate, or return them… because I do…it…it takes time to readjust…to… recalibrate my brain.”

Ava turned her hand up to grasp Beatrice’s fingers, she ran her thumb over her knuckles soothingly.

She perfectly understood of where Beatrice was coming from. She had spent a decade being told she was unworthy and unwanted. She knew the permanent, invisible scars words left on one’s psyche. For her, they had left deep-seeded fears, Beatrice had inherited deep-seeded pain and self-loathing in addition.

When Beatrice retracted her hand and looked away again, Ava knew it was because she felt embarrassed at her display of vulnerability. Ava decided to provide comfort the only way she knew how: with humour.

“Well, I’ve come across some life-altering information recently,” she said solemnly.

“Have you now?”

Beatrice latched on the topic change. She felt bare and it was distressing. She didn’t want to hide for Ava, but talking about her shame and pain was unbearable.

“Brace yourself for this one,” Ava warned. “Did you know bell peppers have a gender?”

“They do?”

“Yes. If you lay them on their side and count the bumps at the bottom you can tell which is which. Four bumps mean it’s female and three means it’s male.”

“Uh, interesting.”

“I know, right?” Ava grinned. “The females are full of seeds, obviously. They taste sweeter and apparently, they are best consumed raw, whereas the males are best when cooked.”

“You’re a bottomless well of trivia,” Beatrice said with an appreciative pout.

“That got me thinking. Since they have gender… it begs the question: do bell peppers have sex?”

Bea burst out laughing unexpectedly at the absurd query.

“And if they do have sex… what does that look like?” Ava kept on her roll. “Or, are we talking about a literal ‘birds and bees’ situation here?”

The fact that Ava was speaking with a straight face, and made her questions sound genuine only made her laugh harder.

“And… if you have a full patch of bell peppers does that mean there’s an orgy going on or are they all ace? And what about genderfluid bell peppers, do they have five bumps? And…” Ava kept pushing her silly questions to the extreme.

Beatrice was laughing so hard her sides were hurting. “Please…stop talking,” she wheezed.

“So many questions, I can’t even begin…” Ava mused with a shake of her head.

She watched Beatrice laugh and felt warm at the sight. She loved that sound so much. Beatrice’s laughter always made her heartbeat go a little crazy. Not to mention how it enhanced Beatrice’s beauty.

It took almost two minutes for Beatrice to get her laughter under control. When she did, she was breathless, her eyes brimming with tears.

“Whatever am I going to do with you?” Beatrice sighed with a shake of her head. She wiped the unshed tears from her eyes with a knuckle.

Silence filled the room again, but this time the bad tension was gone.

“Thank you,” said Beatrice in a much sober tone.

Ava smiled tenderly at her. “As I’ve said, don’t hate what you are, what you are is beautiful,” she stated softly but firmly. “I don’t mind saying it every day, every minute of every day even… if that’s what it takes for you to accept those statements for what they are: the truth.”

She straightened up so she could kiss Beatrice’s forehead. She cupped her cheek before resting her forehead against Beatrice’s. After a moment she leant back and ran the back of her fingers on Beatrice’s cheek.

Looking at Ava, Beatrice felt grounded again. She couldn’t find the words to express her gratitude to Ava. She didn’t feel deserving of all the kindness and affection Ava was bestowing upon her. Be as it may, she treasured it as the most precious gift she’d ever received. And it was.

Ava’s eyes drifted briefly on Beatrice’s lips. She was about to lean in but Beatrice moved back a bit, breaking the contact. Undeterred, Ava leant back against the counter and simply grinned.

“And the real question is what would you do without my awesome, mind-blowing bits of trivia? Say what you will, I know you’ve been thinking about bell pepper sex for the past 2 minutes,” Ava waggled her eyebrows.

“Oh, hush!” Beatrice rolled her eyes.

“Can I help with anything?”

“Chop an onion and then mince the meat if you don’t mind”

“On it!”

Ava straightened up again, Beatrice caught her wrist before she could walk away completely. Beatrice was looking down, a deep frown marring her face.

“Bea?” Ava called her after a beat.

Beatrice looked up, her eyes set on her lips and Ava held her breath. Beatrice moved to lean in but closed her eyes with a deep sigh of what appeared to be resignation before letting go of Ava’s wrist.

Even though, Beatrice hadn’t followed through her clear desire to kiss her, Ava appreciated the effort. It was yet another assurance that they were on the same wavelength.

There’s nothing wrong with me… what I feel is normal… I am normal…

Beatrice took a deep breath and a step back, then she put a hand flat on Ava’s chest and pushed her gently. She didn’t stop to think, when Ava was back against the countertop, she leant in and captured Ava’s lips in a soft kiss.

Ava exhaled sharply in surprise, her eyes fluttering shut at the contact. In a second her entire being was humming with some indescribable feeling. She felt warm, her head was spinning and all her nerve endings tingling. She could feel the halo amping everything up and just like that she knew she was glowing, literally.

It was, wow.

The kiss came to an end to soon to her taste. When she blinked her eyes open, Beatrice was grinning bashfully. “I guess, we can call that a… light kiss.”

Ava’s face lit up instantly at the pun.

Beatrice made a show of rolling her eyes. In truth, she knew how much Ava loved puns and to see her smiling from ear to ear was worth the lame joke.

Ava was high on euphoria. Beatrice had kissed her and made a pun out of it. Life couldn’t get better than that at this very moment as far as she was concerned.

“You’re such a bad influence,” Beatrice muttered.

“And proud of it,” Ava beamed.

“Whatever… just get to work, please.”

“Aye, aye, Captain!” Ava replied with a wink, a gigantic smile plastered on her face.

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I shall be back with part three soon.

Thanks for reading!

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[soulnb42]

Times Like These (part 4)

AO3

Part 4

Ava couldn’t sleep. After her little meltdown, Beatrice had made plans for the next few days, ordering their ‘to-do’ list by priorities. They had waited a couple of hours for the tablet to come to life, it hadn’t. Eventually Beatrice had called it a day. As per her announcement she had let the bed to Ava and was now lying on the couch.

Ava glanced at Beatrice again. She was lying still, her hands intertwined over her stomach, but Ava knew she wasn’t sleeping either because her thumbs were silently beating the seconds away.

“I keep thinking about what you said earlier.”

Ava’s voice was a whisper but in the thick silence of the small room, it echoed like a shout.

“And I wonder what would happen if Lilith and Camilla shared a bed.”

“Well, believe it or not, they cancelled each other out,” Beatrice replied almost immediately, amusement clear in her voice.

“Really?”

“Yup. Camilla immobilized Lilith with one of her rolls so there were no flailing and everybody was safe.”

Ava laughed softly picturing the scene. “Sounds like you guys had some fun.”

“Yeah, it’s not always about fighting demons, sometimes we have trips to small towns to provide some help on one thing or another.”

Beatrice spoke about the trip that had led them to share beds in the first place. Ava saw clear pictures in her mind, she felt the affection and the bond between the girls. When Beatrice fell quiet, Ava also felt a smidge of envy, wishing she had that kind of bond, of community. In a way she’d had a very shirt taste of it, for a short while, first with JC and his friends, then with Beatrice and the others.

The light mood dimmed a little at the thought. The unspoken worry about the fate of the other sisters hanging in the air. Ava wanted to ask Beatrice if she thought they were okay, but kept quiet.

As if the universe had decided to answer her silent query, the tablet came to life with an electronic tune. Beatrice sat up immediately to take the device, Ava came to sit by her sides in seconds.

After a few manipulations a window popped up and Camilla’s battered face appeared on screen. Beatrice and Ava both sucked in a small breath in surprise and relief.

Camilla’s face was marred with bruised and cuts, her left eye blackened. In spite of her appearance her calm and soft grin was there, still in place. “Hey guys, it’s good to see you,” she spoke with obvious relief.

“Are you alright?” Beatrice asked.

“Yeah… it’s not as bad as it looks,” Camilla dismissed her concerned with a wave of her right hand which was in what appeared to be a soft cast. “I’ll be good as new in a few days. What about you?”

“We’re fine, don’t worry. In a safe hideout,” it was about all Beatrice could say as far as their location went.

“Good,” Camilla nodded. “Good. We’re on the move as well. I’m not sure where we’ll settle yet.”

There was a pause then Camilla launched into the tale of what had happened on her end. She had managed to reach Lilith again, by then Mother Superion had joined the fight as well as some much needed back up. It had taken many hours to get the situation somewhat contained.

“It was bedlam… right now they’re trying to spin a plausible narrative of the events. There are still possessed out there but they’re managing…”

“I’m sorry, we couldn’t help…” Beatrice said. She knew that they didn’t have the choice as their first mission was to keep the Halo and the Halo bearer safe, still, she couldn’t help the guilt she felt at leaving her sisters behind.

“I’m just glad you two are safe.”

Silence fell upon them and Beatrice felt ice settled in the pit of her stomach. Something was wrong and her suspicions were only confirmed when Camilla bit her cut bottom lip.

“Camilla, what is it?”

“We… we’ve lost track of Mary.”

Beatrice and Ava glanced at each other; both felt the new set on their shoulders like a lead chap.

“She hasn’t reached out yet… with all the commotion… there were so many… we just… lost track…”

“I’m sure she put herself to safety,” Beatrice said with all the conviction she could muster, trying to be reassuring. “She’s resourceful, you know that.”

Camilla nodded, but the worry etched on her face did not recede.

“We’ll go look for her as soon as Lilith is back on her feet,” Camilla added. “She has never disclosed where she was living when she wasn’t staying with us and ever since Shannon…”

Camilla didn’t finish her sentence but Beatrice knew what she meant. Mary had always been private when it came to her whereabouts, she had always valued having something just for herself. Shannon was probably the only one to have been let in into her sanctuary. After losing Shannon, Mary had retreated to herself a little more and there had been many days when she’d disappear, whenever she was back it was as if the previous days hadn’t happened.

Mary would reach out when she was ready, as she always did, Beatrice knew it. She just hoped that she wasn’t too badly hurt.

“She’ll get in touch in her own time,” Beatrice voiced her thoughts.

“Yeah…” Camilla chose to believe her; it was better than thinking about the alternative. “I shouldn’t stay too long, just in case. I’ll get in touch again soon. We might need to keep the contact to a minimum for now, like once a week…”

“You’re right.”

“You two keep each other safe.”

“You as well.”

Camilla waved goodbye before cutting the feed.

Ava let out a heavy sigh as she buried her face in her hands. On the one hand she was relieved because they finally had news and most of them were okay, on the other, Mary was MIA and that… that didn’t sit well with her. She felt like she was going to be sick. All of this was her fault and now, someone she cared about was probably hurt and nowhere to be found.

Beatrice opened her mouth to say something, but remained silent in the end, not certain to have the right words. She put a comforting hand on Ava’s back instead.

After a couple of minutes, Ava raised her head to look at Beatrice; “Do you really believe Mary is okay?”

“Yes,” Beatrice said firmly without any hesitation. “It won’t do us any good to think otherwise.”

It may not be the words Ava needed to hear, but it was the truth. Beatrice had to believe everything was alright for Mary. Faith was all they had right now and she’d hang onto it just like she always had in the bleakest moments of her life.

Ava bobbed her head in acceptance, but she was clearly still upset at the situation.

“We should try to get some rest.”

Ava accepted Beatrice’s order without resistance and quietly went back to bed, turning on her side so her back was to Beatrice. She clenched her jaw not to let out the sob that had bubbled up in her throat. She let tears fall silently on her cheeks though.

She wasn’t sure where she stood as far as faith went but at this moment, she was praying that Mary was indeed okay, hoping that someone or something was listening.

------------------------------------------------

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