#we went through. cant blame her. i literally threw away two years of my life and all the beautiful people ive been up to that time. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

beyoncesdragon · 4 years

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title: a handsome distraction

→Pairing: Jimin x Female!Reader (Choi Yeonjun has a lil cameo but not really, just kinda)

→Summary: You hate math because you can’t do it and Jimin hates math because he can’t do you.

→Warnings: just a few swear words, but other than that, you’re safe! It’s Fluff!! Except you have an allergic reaction whenever there is math involved, then I’d suggest you continue with precaution.

→Wordcount: 2.2k

a/n: Some Jimin fluff because I want a Park Jimin to annoy me during math class...but we cant always have what we wish for. Therefore we write it.

Masterlist | BTS Masterlist

You were having a hard time.

Harder than usually, and considering that you were currently doing math, that was alarming. Even more because it wasn’t even because of the subject you were being taught through another zoom class. It also wasn’t because your internet was lagging more than usually and now the video wasn’t always perfectly in sync with the audio. It wasn’t the fact that you hated math with a passion, and already gave up on the subject four years ago either.

The thing that was giving you a hard time was a lot more handsome than the bland equation you were trying to solve with the teacher. Or rather, you were watching her solve it whilst you just copied everything that appeared on the screen, not quite knowing why she decided to multiply this x with the other one or how in the hell she discovered a binominal in between this whole mess.

The thing that was distracting you also went by the name of Park Jimin, your boyfriend, talented singer, dancer, hardworking man and performer, song writer and fashion icon and current cause of the headache that was starting to form behind your temples.

“Jimin! Can you finally stop this?!” you hissed through your teeth, wiggling his foot off your lap before pulling the couch table a bit closer.

You were currently seated on the floor, back resting against the couch and all of your school stuff spread out around you. Your laptop was propped up on another stack of books because you had been too lazy to clear the whole table and there was a little pile, scribbled full with notes and terms and unsuccessful attempts of solving various mathematical problems. So far you had however only created new problems and instead of leaning something new, you felt like someone pressed the reboot button half way through the lesson without backing up the hardware.

Long story short: it was a mess and Jimin wasn’t helping at all.

“Jimin please! I’m trying to work here. I’m trying to pay attention for once.” Jimin just snickered, flopping down on the couch behind you.

“You’ve been on it for hours now.” Well, that was the point of classes, wasn’t it. Not that Jimin could relate anymore, since he already graduated (a thing he wouldn’t dream of letting you forget). “You’re shamelessly exaggerating again. It has not even been one and a half hour and you spent the first forty minutes sleeping anyways.” Jimin just shrugged, propping his face up on his hands, curiously peeking from behind you onto the screen. He reminded you of a curious cat and you had to hold back a smile (a calico cat, perhaps?). However, since the two of you had been ordered to keep the relationship as low key as possible, you couldn’t just let him do that. As cute as he might looked with his ruffled hair and baggy clothes.

“Get out of the frame, they will see you.” he huffed, flicking your nose before tossing around again and sitting up. “I bet I was the most interesting thing they got to see in those six hours you’re ignoring me now.” You groaned, attempting to throw a pen at him.

“I’m done in twenty five minutes Jimin. Can you please…”

“Are there any questions so far?” the voice of your teacher cut you off and you snapped back to the screen. It seemed like all eyes were on you (though you obviously couldn’t tell) and you felt the tinge of embarrassment tickling your cheeks. You shook your head and went back to taking notes.

In the meantime, Jimin took it upon himself to be as noisy as possible whilst preparing a cup of tea. He slammed the cupboard door shut with way to much force, banged the cup against the counter dangerously hard and had a dirty grin on his lips when you flinched.

“Jagi, where did you put the tealeaves again?” he then suddenly yelled, though there was no need to yell, you literally had an open kitchen and were in direct sight. You flinched again, looking up at him with a frown. “Bottom left drawer, like always. What are you even talking about.” All that could be heard was a chuckle. It took him exactly half an equation later to interrupt you again.

“Can you hold my cup please, I don’t want it to tip over.” You stared at him blankly. “Seriously Jimin?” He shrugged. “That, or watch the love of your life burn his fingers off.” You shook your head. “Or the love of my life finally gets a grip on himself and gets a proper kettle like every normal human being would. He just grinned smugly before shrugging it off. You twirled your pen in your hand, reaching for the laptop to unmute yourself and ask a question, when…

“Where is the honey again?” you huffed frustrated, sitting back. “Left, top shelf. Jesus Christ…no left…Jimin, left.” You repeated, taking your eyes from the screen completely.

“Miss Y/L/N is there something you would like to ask?” you cringed at the call and quickly unmuted yourself to reassure your teacher that everything was fine, when Jimin took it upon himself to answer for you.

“AH thank you Jagi, you’re too kind…is your math thing finally over? That one equation is taking you guys ages.” your eyes widened before you quickly mumbled an apology and muted your audio again. Over the rim of your screen you sent a Jimin a glare that made him choke up on his tea.

It however failed to prevent him from walking over and sitting next to you, clearly holding back his laughter. He reached out for your hand and pressed a quick kiss on your knuckles.

“Sorry Jagi. I miss you.” you just shook your head, eyes trained on the screen. “I figured Jimin.” That was all you said before pressing your lips back together. You could only hope the professor hadn’t picked up on what Jimin had been implying and wasn’t hurt. Goddess, this was so embarrassing and this little shit knew it.

“You know…it’s just because I don’t have many free days like this, therefore it just sucks to have you occupied the whole time if there is one…” you sighed deeply, shaking your head. “I said twenty five minutes Jimin.”

He managed to sit still for maybe five. Then he started to play with your unoccupied hand again, before he suddenly dipped down and settled his head on your thigh. “Can I?” you looked down on him eyebrows slightly risen. “Lay on my thighs? Sure, but don’t pull any stunts or you sleep on the couch tonight.” Jimin laughed quietly, innocently peeking up at you. “I would never. And if I would, I’m sure you would enjoy it anyways. You always do.” You left that uncommented and only briefly pressed your index finger against his lips. “Shush Jimin.”

After just a few minutes you had your hands in his hair already, absentmindedly playing with a few strands. He sighed happily before starting to draw little circles against your hip, humming quietly.

“You must be the most noisy rice cake there is.” Was all you pushed out before dramatically flying backwards against the couch Jimin gasped in fake outrage. The call finally ended and you felt like someone had fried your brain and your nerves in those two periods. Jimin sat up instantly, grabbing his now empty tea cup, before strolling towards the kitchen.

“Yah, no need to get personal. At least I don’t suck at math.” He retorted with a cocky expression, and this time you threw the pen for real.

“Wow, but you tell me not to get personal?” You stretched your body with a yawn before giving him a firm look. “You know what? I in this case I liked TXT’s performance better than yours.” It was completely off topic, but you needed something to bug him with. After those two painful lessons of math and Jimin you felt like you deserved that. And, it worked.

“Wait what? Which one?”

“MMA.” Jimin almost tripped over his own feet. “I beg you pardon? Better than our MMA Show? 2019? Are we on the same page?” You had troubles holding back your laughter at his obvious outrage. With a coy wink into his direction, you confirmed.

“Why so surprised? Yeonjun can rap…and also he has super pretty lips.” You shrugged, a lazy grin appearing on your lips. “You like his lips? He is too young for you!”

“You’re only four years older, dumbass.” with those words you got up and walked towards the kitchen as well. As you passed him, you placed a firm smack on the dancers butt before reaching for a cup to fetch yourself a cup of tea too.

Jimin had his arms crossed over his chest, a frown etched on his face as he watched you wordlessly, a mixture of disbelieve and outrage on his face.

“Are you sulking now?” you asked, turning around to him whilst the tea was steeping.

“Can you seriously blame me? You just admitted to like a guy that started as a rookie when I already debuted for a whole year…” you rolled your eyes. “Jimin!” but he wasn’t done just yet. “And you said I can’t rap!” you gave him a pointed look, turning to stir your tea for a second.

“I never said that, I know you can.” Jimin just shook his head.

“You said that he can rap, as in; other than you, he can rap.” He pouted like a little kid and you were having a hard time taking him serious. He just looked a tad too cute and too cuddly in that oversized shirt of his. “Oh my god Jimin…”

He turned on his heel with a dramatic flip of hair and strutted away towards the living room area. You heard him mumble to himself in annoyance as he approached your laptop, opening the device with a quick motion.

“What was your password again?” he asked, not even looking up. “It’s the date of your debut…”

“In letters or numbers?”

“Numbers.” He just nodded, a firm scowl on his face. “I’m almost surprised it isn’t TXT’s debut date.” He remarked sassily, unlocking your laptop with a pointed click of his index finger. You only shook your head, grabbed your mug and walked over to him. “Damn, you really are going there, hm?”

“What? You started it. Freaking Yeonjun out of all people…I will hit him when I see him again.” You chortled at his response, shaking your head. “Would you rather have me gushing over Yoongi?” he immediately shook his head.

“No that would be weird…wait do you mean Yoongi is cute?” a new wave of outrage shook that tiny body as he whipped around to look at you.

“Do you not think that?” he halted for a second, tilting his head. “Well obviously I do, but I am not my girlfriend.” You couldn’t only laugh at that. “Are you not? Wouldn’t have figured that out.”

“And on top of all of that, you said that they had a better MMA Performance than we had! Speaking of, ours wasn’t just a performance, we blessed you with an entire experience. How can you even compare that.” You giggled helplessly at your enraged boyfriend, opening your arms for a hug.

“Relax, baby. I was only joking.” He huffed in response, turning away dramatically. “No can do. I can’t believe I’ve been backstabbed like that. By my own girlfriend.”

He had clicked on their performance video with so much vigour it made you laugh even harder. Especially because their own performance was recommended to play right after TXT and he hesitated not even half a second before adding it to the queue.

“If you mention anything about Yeonjun’s lips, I will skip all of his parts and we go straight to our show, I’m not even kidding.” You giggled only, pressing your lips against his cheek. “Jealous Jiminie never fails to make me laugh. This group debuted in march of 2019 the same year. They weren’t even a year old and still performed like this, that’s all I’m gushing about, basically.”

And with that you pressed the play button and started the video. You actually expected Jimin to wrap his arms around you any second, but the man was still a moping mess and refused to even spare you a glance. With a sigh you decided to take matters into your own hands and leaned against him.

“Jimin.” No response.

“Baby. Look at me.” For a second it looked like he would ignore you once again. Just when you debated about calling him again or just cuddle him instead, he turned his head into your direction. You couldn’t help the small smile that immediately appeared on your face.

“You’re still the prettiest man on earth Jimin. Don’t worry, I could never look at anyone else than you. This includes your lips, by the way.” He hummed, acting as if all of this wouldn’t even affect him the slightest.

“I know.”

You burst out laughing. “You do now? So will you stop sulking?” He shrugged only, giving you a sly side-eye. “Only if you admit that you did drool when you watched our performance because up to this point, I have not heard a confession coming from your lips.” You huffed unfazed, shaking your head.

“Park Jimin, you are too cocky for your own good.”

“I’m just right sweetheart. Very unlike that equation you just solved…might want to look over that again.”

“Oh will you shut up!”

— ✩ thank u for reading ✩ —

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1dliveshere · 4 years

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The Last Summer ch 5

Two days had gone by and it was still super awkward in the bus. Everyone was uncomfortable with what had happened. Harry hadn’t spoke to Kayla since the big blow up. She had tried to but he just would shut it down immediately.

It had been raining literally all day. They had plans but because of the rain it was ruined.

“Why does it have to rain all day?” Maya whined.

“Because Mother Nature decided to ruin our plans.” Louis sassed.

“Louis can you please take a break from sassing today? My brain can’t take anymore.” Eleanor groaned.

Most of the bus chuckled but Louis looked high offended.

As silence overtook the bus, Harry randomly swerved sharply. Sending stuff flying everywhere.

“What the freak dude?! Watch where you’re doing you moron. You almost killed us. Gosh I can’t stand people sometimes.” Harry continued saying stuff under his breath about how idiotic people are.

“Uhhh Harry maybe you should take a break from driving and get some sleep. You haven’t slept much for this whole trip.” Liam suggested.

“Fine. But I’m only letting Kayla drive.” Harry looked at Kayla in the rear view mirror.

“Uhh I guess I can.” Kayla nervously but her lip.

Harry proceeded to pool on to the side of the road and hopped in the passanger seat.

“Okay when we get up here you’re going to have to merge on the interstate.”

“Oh so now your talking to me.”

“Baby I’m sorry. It just really messed with my head. When they started talking about it again it just made it feel like it had just happened and I couldn’t think straight.”

“I hope you know I didn’t mean to let it slip. When Gigi came out of the bathroom I just freaked.”

“It’s okay love. I still love you.” Harry leaned over and kissed Kayla. “How about we park the RV somewhere and have a picnic just you and me?”

“That sounds lovely”

“Okay now that you guys kissed and made up, Harry go to sleep you’re being a butthole.”

“Louis I just told you to chill your sass.”

“Sorry love. I cant help it.” Louis cheesed at Eleanor.

As they were approaching the interstate Kayla was a little nervous as she had never driven on it.

“You mean to tell me in your 18 years of life you have never driven on the interstate.”

“No reason to judge Harold.”

“I’m not judging just shocked is all.” Harry chuckled “Okay so you’re gonna speed up starting now.”

“Harry I can’t do this.”

“For the love of Pete please do not kill us!” Hollered Alyssa.

“Uhh who’s Pete?”

“Niall now is not the time to ask stupid questions. I’m trying to not kill us.”

“Babe I know you don’t want to do this but you’re gonna have to get over at some point.”

“Here’s goes nothing.” Kayla looked over her shoulder to see it was clear.

“AAHHHHHH” she slightly turned the wheel and merged onto the interstate. “Harry I did it!”

“Good job babe” Harry chuckled.

“Thank you for not killing us.”

“You’re welcome Louis.”

As the after noon rolled on no one really did much. Kayla continued on the interstate headed towards Chicago. While some of the others watched a movie and chatted about life.

“-and then Niall literally fell on the ground he was so scared. It was honestly the best moment of me life.” Alyssa had tears streaming from laughter.

“Babe you said you weren’t going to bring you scaring me up again. It’s embarrassing.” Niall pouted

“Oh whatever. It’s hilarious and you’re adorable Ni”

As the bus was overtaken with silence Louis’ road trip play list played the same song for the 4 time in a row.

“Louis I’m playing my music now. I literally can’t listen to this song again or I might kill myself.” Eleanor marches up to the front of the bus and plugged her phone in hitting shuffle.

“AHHHHHHHH” all the girls screamed as ‘She Looks So Perfect’ started playing.

“Turn it up Kayla. It’s the boyssss.”

All the girls, minus Kayla because she was obviously driving, started jumping around.

Then the chorus hit:

“You look so perfect standing there

In my American Apparel underwear

And I know now, that I'm so down

Your lipstick stain is a work of art

I got your name tattooed in an arrow heart

And I know now, that I'm so down” all the girls were literally screeching so loud that they woke Harry up.

Harry looked around at all the girls and chuckled to himself

“What are you staring at Harold?”

“Alyssa I swear I’m going to disown you as my friend if you call me that one more time.”

“Oh whatever” Alyssa sarcasticly rolled her eyes, “you know you love it”

“Okay so there’s a Verizon in Chicago that we can stop at to get Alyssa a phone. Is that good with you Louis?”

“In all honesty I forgot I even threw her phone out the window, but yeah that’s okay with me”

“Louis you amaze me sometimes.” Alyssa laughed.

***

Two hours later and Kayla was still driving.

“You know babe you are honestly a pretty good driver. I should let you drive more often.”

“You definitely should” Kayla looked at Harry, “ are you reading my romance novel I brought?!”

“Maybe...”

“Oh my gosh guys Harry is reading a romance novel”

“Awww Harry who knew you had such a soft heart. Maya squeaked.

“Okay that’s it I’m done” Harry through the book back in Kayla’s backpack.

“Okay I’m getting sick of driving. So I’m parking in this field and we can have our date Harry”

“Can we order pizza?”

“Sure Niall.” Harry gets his phone to call it in.

“How are you doing to tell him where we are parked?” Kayla asked, “kinda difficult when we are in a field.

“Why don’t you just drive a little farther and park in the Walmart parking lot”

“Once again Louis you had a good idea. I’m starting to think it was a good thing that we brought you” Eleanor laughed while Louis pouted.

As Kayla pulled into the Walmart parking lot the pizza man was driving away.

“NOT THE PIZZA. KAYLA HIT THE BREAKS. WE ARE GOING TO MISS THE PIZZA.”

“Niall sit your butt down and chill”

Instead of doing what he was told Niall jumped out of the moving RV started chasing the delivery car waving his arms and screaming.

“PEOPLE REALLY NEED TO STOP JUMPING OUT OF THE MOTHER FREAKING MOVING RV”

Kayla finally found a good place to stop and pulled over as Niall was sprinting back to the RV.

“How’d you get him to notice you?” Harry looked at Niall.

“Well you see.... the dude stopped at the stop sign and I jumped on the hood of the car.”

“Niall, you didn’t. Like how am I with the most embarrassing person?” Alyssa wheezed she was laughing so hard.

“Hey at least we got the pizza. Just be thankful.”

“Okay, Kayla I got everything ready, should we go my lady?”

“Yes as long as you never say that again” Kayla chuckled.

As they left the RV to have their picnic in a Walmart parking lot in the middle of Missouri the rest of the group got their pizza and settled down for a movie.

“What do you think Kayla and Harry are talking about?” Louis wiggled his eyebrows.

“I hope they make up all the way so it stops being awkward because I can’t handle another second of being on this bus with them.” Gigi flopped down on the couch with her pizza.

“Agreed”

***

“Babe I hope you know I’m still so sorry about being a jerk to you. I love you more than anything and didn’t want to hurt you.”

“I know Harry, it’s okay.” Kayla smiled up at her boyfriend of two years.

“I know love. You’ve said that ten times now.” Harry chuckled. “ I did have an idea though to make it up to you.”

“Oh really?? What would that be?”

“Well while you were driving I looked over an noticed a huge sunflower field about 10 miles from here. I know your favorite flower is a sunflower so I figured we could all go on a group date or something.”

“Oh my gosh Harold. That’s amazing!”

“Thanks babe. I thought it was too”

Kayla chuckled. “But seriously we are going to have to go to a laundromat somewhere because all of my good clothes are dirty.”

“You and you’re clothes Kayla Boydston I swear will be the death of me.”

“You know you love it” Kayla leaned in for a kiss.

***

After their date was over Kayla ran into the RV screaming.

“WE ARE GOING TO A SUNFLOWER FIELD TOMORROW SO WE ARE GOING TO FIND A LAUNDROMAT TO CLEAN OUR CLOTHES. SO WE CAN LOOK HOT AS HECK.”

All the girls started screaming and running around collecting their dirty clothes.

Soon Harry was driving around a tiny town looking for a laundromat.

“Wait I see one” Liam pointed from the passenger seat.

“Thank gosh. I was starting to thing I would have to wear these sweatpants tomorrow and that’s not a good look”

“Louis since when do you care what you look like?”

“I always have boo” Louis winked at Eleanor.

“I think I just puked.” Alyssa stated.

As they stopped in front of the laundromat everyone piled out with their arms overflowing of dirty clothes.

“My question is how the heck did we go through this many clothes in 4 days.?

“Well that’s what happens when someone spills their drink all over you” Kayla eyes Louis.

“I’ve said this once and I’ll say it again. It was not my fault. Blame your boyfriend who can’t drive.

“Says the one who almost hit a tree two weeks ago.”

“GUYS! Can we just go in here and get this done.” Alyssa yelled.

As everyone went into the laundromat the atmosphere changed. The group who was once happy and looking forward to tomorrow was tired and all around grouchy.

“Guys am I the only one that feels like this trip isn’t worth it. Like I mean Alyssa’s parents literally disowned her.”

“No you aren’t the only one I totally get it. Maybe we are wasting away are lives”

As silence overtook the room the only thing you could here was the slight sound of water swishing and the gentle tumble of the dryer.

“You know what screw this! Why are we all sitting here groaning about this trip. This trip is our last one before we go off to college. Instead of being grouchy and acting like butts we need to make this trip the best thing ever.” Alyssa got up and marched over to the speaker that was sitting in the corner and plugged her phone in. The first song that popped in was, ‘Year 3000’ by the Jonas Brothers.

“Oh my gosh I haven’t heard this song in forever.”

“Oh my gosh let’s GOOOOO”

Everyone jumped up and starting dancing around the room. Screaming the lyrics at the top of their lungs.

Quickly their moods lifted. As everyone looked at one another they realized truly how much this trip meant to them. Here they were after being friends anywhere from 7 to 3 years, on their last vacation as teenagers before they go to college. They were so thankful for this trip and each other.

After spending two hours in the laundromat they were finally back on the bus. They ended up just deciding to lock it up and sleep in the parking lot.

As everyone was falling asleep, Alyssa and Kayla were still sitting in the front of the RV.

“I’m so sorry excited for tomorrow.!”

“Me too Alyssa! I feel like we all need this!”

“We got to look fly for pictures”

“You know it boo” Kayla laughed.

Little did they know that tomorrow would change one of their lives forever. Or maybe both of their lives?

Well this chapter was pretty chill. Wonder what will happen that will change their lives?? 😜

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imyourtrigger · 5 years

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Tonight I might kill myself

It all started when I was a little girl and no matter what my mother says, I feel that my childhood has been taken away from me at a very young age.

My father was a drug addict and a theif. At age 6 six or maybe even before, my parents had a huge fight, there was broken glass everywhere, screams and curses. One by one my parents broke plate by plate, glass by glass, until there was nothing left. I was so young, that all I can do is to try to call my grandmother on our big and yellow 90s phone. When my father saw that, he came, took it away from me and threw it to the wall. Yellow plastic was everywhere and I felt that I am going to be the next one to meet the wall.

My father was a great father first years of my life. He was always thoughtful, loving and caring. I felt that I get more love from him, than from the woman who gave birth to me. I don’t think she is bad and never thought, her life was a mess, her parents was strict, her father was violent, she had me by accident and her husband was an abusive drug addict.

But this day I will remember for my whole life, the day that my father became violent towards me. And that day, that day when he left the house, the last thing I wanted is to stand in front of him begging not to leave, as I used to do every other fight they had. So for the first time he left the house because I didn’t stopped him.

Time went by, and minute by minute, second by second my life became hell. Of course, there is people that in way worse condition than me, people that live through hell every day and it is so selfish to say that my life is bad, but I believe that everyone have their own kind of hell.

One day, I think I was about 7-8 years old, I sat at my grandparents house, doing my homework with my cousin. I heard that my mom came home, and when I saw her my mind went all crazy. She told me that we are moving to my grandparents. No explanation, no saying goodbye to my friends, to my room, to my house... At first I was so happy, who’s not happy to live with their loving grandparents every single day? Sadly no one told me that there is a huge difference between living with them to visiting them on Sundays.

I am 23 now, and trully, all I wish is a second to get to that place where I grew in. To walk on the street where my parents used to walk with me. To look at the playground where my father with few others builded a swings for us (it was pretty poor neighborhood so at our playground we used to have only rocks and sand). All I want is to go there and breath in what have left of my childhood.

So, me, my mother and my little brother mooved to my grandparents house. At first they where all welcoming and loving, but then it all faded away. My grandfather was and alcoholic, so that was new to me. I did not had a room and slept with my grandma, but I was little and didnt really care about that. And then my mother had to find a job.

So while my father was a part time in jail and when not, came to see us once in never and did not paid his alimony... My mother was working her ass off at some job where she had to be out of the house for a month, every second month.

So when she was away, I had to be a responsible big sister and to take care of my little brother. I did all I had to and all I did not wanted to. If I had to go out and look after my brother playing in the sand instead of ... I don’t know, doing my homework, watching a tv, playing with my friends or whatever I did that. Dishes? Done that everyday. Clean the house? Been there, done that every day. Now it might look like something minor, but I was only like 8 years old.

Oh did I forgot to tell that my cousin was prefered by everyone including my mother? Well that how it was since I was born. You cant unsee things sometimes, especially when your grand grand mother taking her in another room, giving her the whole damn toys r us, and you sitting there and coloring the damn colorbook your mother drew for you cuz you didnt had any money. Oh and that cutted postcard puzzles was fun tho

Oh and my mom used to beat the shit out of me every other day when my brother and my big cousin was the fckn angeles just because they breathe.

At age 11 we moved to another country. The one thing I asked is to go to our old place and say goodbye to.. um it, and the memories I had. And guess what? It did not happened. Not because we had no time or anything, we had plenty, we even made a video of us going through the town to our favorite places, you know to remember our country... But not mine, even if it was on the way.

So gladly (at least that what I thought), my mom, me and my brother moved to a whole new country, where my hell just expanded.

When we moved here, we had to leave with my grandma’s sister and her husband for a month. They werent happy, so they made us unhappy too. They had two sons, my uncles, one of them lived in the same town. Lets call him Sam.

Uncle Sam reminded me of my father. Same looks, same mind, but I felt that he wasnt gonna leave me. Just as a little girl I wanted to have a man figure in my life, that could protect me if needed.

So uncle Sam had a son, my cousin, who was a big, hugeeeee shit. He used to be the only child, so probably he felt that me and my brother taking it away, his mother was a shit too, lets call her Midge.

So Midge told uncle Sam to stay away from us. But he didnt needed to, we felt unwanted enough. We moved to a one room apartment and stayed away from them.

Life didnt became easier, because little children are super cruel. I started 5th grade and my little brother was at 1st. We both were bullied. The names they called us, the things they did to us, girls that I thought was my friends made my their maid. Literally. They were coming to my house, made me feed them the food my mom was counting, because we had no money, made me do everything they wanted, and then used to lock me in the shower and didnt let me out untill I screamed because the water was hot that it left it marks on my body. When they was leaving I had to clean the house, sometimes I had no time before my mother was back home, so she was hurting me in all the way she could.

I still have scars, not all of them are physical. When she saw that half of the food were gone, the screams became fists and my tears became blood. Sometimes I felt numb and sometimes I felt that I am loosing my will to live.

For how long I remember myself, I was always trying to please the people around me. They could be friends, family or people at work, it always felt like a second job, where my mind had to work extra hours.

Maybe that was because I was afraid to be beaten, maybe that was because I was afraid that they will leave me, just like my father did.

At my birthday I called my father. His stepmother answered and told me that he is not interested and that I should leave them alone. This number didnt worked afterwards. And a few years later we talked over a social media where he told some not so nice stuff and ended it with “I’ll have better children than you”.

So back to junior school where everyone was a peasant. My brother was trying to stay close to me, and everyone was laughing at us, so I decided that instead of trying to get my shit together I have to help him. Every brake I was taking him to the playground, him and a bunch of other lonely kids, those who was bullied, those who had no friends... I am pretty sure that half of the games were invented by me. So for two years I kept this children busy, so they all became friends and werent ao lonely anymore.

I still tried to do my best at the school, where I had to learn new language and to deal with bullies and at home, to please my mother, who was coming everyday back from work, and beating me no matter what. I get that it was big on her. New country, new language, new people... It was scary and she felt also lonely, but I was not supposed to be anyones punching bag. I did not deserved it.

So that how my school years went... All same pattern, sometimes better, sometimes worse. So many heartbreaks, always toxic friendships. I started to work at a very young age, tried to give almost all of the money to my mother, but it still wasnt enough.

I was cutting myself for so long... The cuts became deeper and the will to live started to fade away. But still I had no guts to kill myself. Every fight I knew, that the next will be worse and maybe the next will become the last. Maybe today was the last.

A few years ago my mother stopped beating me, maybe thats because Im taller, because I grew up and she is afraid I can slap her back?

My brother became the most annoying thing on earth. Through junior high, I was still with him on my brakes, trying to make his life easier, every time anyone had a bad word to say I was there to protect him. Karate? Paid for it. Swimming lessons? Paid for it. New toys? New computer games? Gadget? A new phone? Done it all.

Even while I was at the army, getting the shittier salary you could imagine, working my ass off at two jobs, giving my mother some money, paying for his shit and his super expensive swimming lessons, trying to give him everything we couldn’t afford for me,

Somehow, I am still a bad daughter and a bad sister.

I just getting really tired of that “You blame everyone, when you should look in the mirror” shit.

I took them abroad two times. Paid for everything. And I mean everything. Every shit they wanted, and oh no, they had no shame in wanting the most expensive things on earth, like Im a fucking millionaire. And now when I broke and still manage to pay the bills at home and still take them abroad, but ask my brother to pay with me cuz he has a job and a decent salary I AM THE FUCKING BAD PERSON

LIKE HOW COULD I THINK THAT A PERSON I GAVE ALL MY LOVE TO, A PERSON I AM EVERY DAY LOOKING OUT FOR WHILE HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW THAT BECAUSE I DONT LOOK FOR A CREDIT A PERSON THAT STARTED TO WORK AT AGE OF 18 FOR FUN WHILE I AM WORKING FROM 12 TO PAY FOR HIM HOW COULD I THE WORSE PERSON ON THE WHOLE PLANET TO ASK HIM TO PAY FOR HIMSELF

Wow

Oh, uncle Sam died and that was devastating

The saddest thing is he died because he was lonely and his heart was broken

His parents, they moved to another country to his brother, his brother didnt wanted him, his wife left him and he was all alone

I wish, I wish he could inly knew how deeply I cared for him, how I wanted us to be closer, how good he was... It truly broke my heart in a million pieces.

His mother (my grandmas sister) came back here and passed away also. And her husband couldnt leave back because of the loan he had here

He went to live at Midges house then she kicked him and guess what? Hes sleeping in my mother’s bed

AND SOMEHOW I AM THE BAD PERSON AGAIN

HOW CAN I BE MAD AT A PERSON WHO MADE MY FAMILYS LIFE A LIVING HELL BUT AS WE SWITCH ROLES I HAVE TO BE I BIGGER PERSON AND ACCEPT HIS HOMELESS ASS HERE

I am very loving and caring person. But nobody has done that for me. He would never help me, and I know that for sure. He was screaming at me, he was trying to beat my little brother and now I have to accept that he is, an alcoholic, abusive person sleeping in my mothers bed, and she has to sleep with me? (Thats not the problem ofcourse, I love my mom no matter what)

And when he finally leaves, even tho I tried to be nice, and prepared him food and showed him how to use the tv and shit, my mom tells me that I am a bad person? Sorry that my life teached me that people will use your good heart against you.

I finally felt like I am mentally stable, that I am me, the good me. Not the depressed cutting wanting to die me. Finally had my shit together and felt so happy about it. I had my skin care routine after work, had my half hour to write in the diary and my 1 episode per night before bed routine that made me so fucking happy and glowing, and then the person that made me only bad comes and ruins it all and I have to accept that?

I finally made it, made it to the top of me where all I wanted is to live, where all I was is happy, and instead of understanding that, or at least carring about your daughter’s mental health and I dont know, even speaking with me about that, you just throw this shit at my face.

“You need to be tested”

“You are crazy”

“I wish I didnt had you”

Instead of

“Are you okay, do you want to talk about that?”

“Do you want to see a professional? I will support you”

“I dont know what I would do without you”

It just hurts that when you try to talk about maybe having a problem or when you try to speak your mind, or when you talk about your feelings to the person you care about the most... You got to be called a drama, you didnt get to even finish the sentencse... Somehow the problem is always in me and my feelings.

It hurts when your brother doesn’t care as you did and do about him.

It hurts that things that are important for you doesnt counted as important at all.

It hurts that your feelings not important.

You are not important.

That your sacrifices aren’t sacrifices.

And if you try to talk about yourself, you are selfish.

People say that no matter what’s happening, your family, your home, is the place that you can be you in it. A place where you are not judged.

Well, my family doesn’t count.

So maybe its better not to be counted at all.

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ayatanskywalker4u · 3 years

Text

NO ONE CAN BLAME YOU FOR WALKING AWAY

Does the story end when we go? Does love die if the pages stop turning? I hope so because Im in pain. How do u tell someone "you cheated 1st"? I slept with two women and the other I still love. I read her tumblr page when she wasnt looking, its not like i was the greatest guy. She said stuff like i said mean things. I know i did. Like a kid throwing a tantrum because i dreamed of a future. You know, having kids a house, maybe a dog. If i didnt love her why risk going to jail to save her life? Her father threatened to call the cops on me when i banged on the door yelling and crying shouting "SHES DYING" it was raining that night like some movie and me running through it. We were always there for eachother whether it was a prayer or a hand. I asked her to marry me and she said yes, that was somewhere in the middle.

Theres a lot that happened, some NSFW stuff that happened to her. I could see it breaking her. And when we finally met again she was laughing about some of the graphic content. She told me the old her was dead, like she was just looking past me. Like the night she was dying from an overdose. She didnt see the man that loves her. She only saw what she wanted to see.

When the ambulance took her away i met her the next day in the hospital ward. I will always remember this because as i turned away from her hand i felt her standing there almost begging me not to leave. I had to go, i joined the military.

What went through my mind during that moment was does she love me, then why didnt she call me before the pills? And she's slept with other men to boot. But i was always there even if it made me mad.

There was this other girl, Ebony. She was pretty but so was Ashley. I wanted to try getting back at her for running around. And no i didnt go to bed with Ebony after Ashley's incident. Not right after. I still shouldnt have. "He who touches a women divored commiteth adultery." The same goes for man. I sinned against my very heart which was Ashley and now she hates me.

Im not the type to go get a new dog when we have to put down o'l yeller. When my dog Ginger died i never replaced her. Can you replace a son or a daughter, a father or mother? Can you replace the person you almost lost your life for? I guess the question is should you though. I hate sounding like im giving up on what i believe in. I love ginger and i believe in a better place.

I stayed gone to military training until 2010. Ashley called in the beginning to see if i was alright. I was still mad at her. Was she sleeping with others even though i wasnt around even Ebony? Lol no but ebony was sleeping against me and Ashley even stalked her to find out for me. I thought she was manipulating my emotions. That was the beginning of our downfall. I called her, Ashley, right around my graduation. I was outside of a hotel the privates threw a party at. I missed her and decided to go outside and call her. She was with some other man sadly. Probably doing some NSFW with him as my heart breaks. She laughed at me over the phone, like hey Ash come on its OB. Im still here. I graduated but the woman i love left me.

After the military i called her every now and again. She wouldnt pick up most of the time. I joined the conservation corps and just decided to wait until she asked me to come over. My heart was racing when she asked to talk, funny enough i believe i quit there right beforehand.

We talked about a lot of stuff. Mainly she talked about the guy and the NSFW stuff. All while looking off in the distance just smiling and giggling about how he made her scream and broke the cheap Walmart bed. I was getting upset. Holding my tongue. But when she told me her father touched her, thats when i cracked. I laughed at her pain because it seemed like she was ignoring mine. I missed her forever and a day and she was just, idk she was something, a happy i wouldnt call happy. I spent the night i think, even tried to pull a night with her but its like she just hated me. The last time i recalled ever seeing her was the hospital. She must have held the hospital and ebony against me.

Fast forward to the next day she drops me off at my house. As i stare at her wondering whats going on in her head, probably the dudes equipment, she reaches out and tries to hug me. I pushed her hands away, like she just wanted me to feel like everything was going to be alright. She only wanted to chase tail. Like all those moments over the years we were together didnt matter. I know she was talkin to someone else, i felt like i couldnt "satisfy" her anymore in a way. She definitely didnt like my moves the night before. I watched her get back in the car and drive off.

Some years passed and we lost the house. I overdosed on i think excedrin. That was the night she wouldnt pick up her phone. Funny enough that bottle wasnt enough to finish the job. The cycle of wanting to die when you lose a love like a dog, pig, cow, man women, whatever its hard to kill unless you have hope.

I gathered my senses and decided to leave california for Minnesota. The week prior was bad though. I started hallucinating and i heard voices. I started developing schizophrenia, and destroyed my mothers house due to it. Back to the following week im leaving for Minnesota and Tony tells me he has a gun he wants to sell. I figure i'd buy it when i get paid. You guessed it, im looking to make the job quick. Ashley didnt love me anymore. She wont miss me anyways. I Know how to pull an M9 apart blind folded and put it back together within seconds. I know the central nervous system is what you aim for. Its in the back of the skull at the nape of the neck. You'd leave this world in seconds. I know it sounds grim but come on, its better than commiting adultery against my heart. Who wants to live and suffer at the same time?

Tony saw me brandishing the piece and hid it from me i was crying about what i had done to everyone.

Tony ended up ditching me in Minnesota, luckily it wasnt my first time eating out of a trash can. Home is where you make it. Some people at the shelter became my friends and we played guitars together. But i wasnt as good with the guitar as i am now.

Salvation army was my first job in Minnesota, i was just happy again. I grew my hair out and styled it down, not like Prince and less greasy. After work id go get a drink. I worked that job for about two months i know because my birthday had passed and i believe i turned 25.

2015 came down and i still was asking god what now. I was skinny and handsome playing the guitar with a job. There were women who'd look and stare and some thought i was full of myself. The truth is i just wanted to be able to hold ashley if she ever fell in my arms. I was kinda muscly. I always told myself that one day her legs will fail but id be ready, the muscles werent just for show.

I hit on a few women but i never chased. Id go to the library every now and again to read. And then it hit me, even though i had no cell phone i could use the computers, Ashley was the 1st thing on my mind. I called, i dont think she answered but messaged back. She sounded angry. She was pregnant is what she was. Little did i know. All said and done she left me feeling more empty than i had planned. I started getting angry at God, "if you control everything and move everything, why are you moving me toward Ashley? She doesnt even see the love anymore or remember the sacrifices."

The train to the mall was coming by soon. I went to the liquor store with a plan. Buy as much fireball whiskey as i can consume and jump off of the mall of america. The train was sluggish, probably because i had been drinking. I fell into a doze just before the last stop, "The Mall of America". I woke up and walked slowly, tipsy, toward the elevators to the 6th floor. I heard a voices as i walked to the ledge. I turned around to see if anyone was watching me, my back against the guard rail. I climbed on top and looked down, liquor really did help. I turned my head up and told God "you want my life? You can have it". I let go of my hands back toward the earth and fell asleep.

When i woke up it was about 2 weeks later. My vision was blurry but i made out my mom crying on my chest. I slowly reached and touched her scalp. She didnt know i woke up. Short lived, i went back to sleep. Not just my mom was there but my sister too. They drove from California. How did they find me with no ID?

I stayed in that hospital for 3 months, due to my injuries and placed in the psych ward. My family visited me every few months. All that was going through my head is 'I'm alive" it took me a while to figure out how to use my legs being one has nerve damage now. But i started walking before my bones could fully fuse. The nurses told me to stop.

After i gained disability and got placed in housing, i bought a game to occupy my time. No more work outs, no more running, just me trying to forget the reasons i gave up on life. A couple months to about a year later my mother asks if i want to leave the housing and save the disability money. I said yes to that. I didnt know they'd take me back to california on my birthday. It was a nostalgic drive.

I picked up a walking routine and decided talking to ashley was always going to end with her thinking about my faults. I stopped calling her for probably 4-5 years no messages, nothing.

One day my mom asks if i want to go for a ride and talk. We drove until we reached the on ramp she passes me her phone with a picture of Ashley holding a baby. It was Zipporah. What should i have felt? If ashley is dead why did ashley hold onto the dream? And share it with someone who just left her holding the bag. I couldnt believe it after how hard we tried to bring her into this world.

But i cant chase Ashley anymore, i cant even run, literally.

I didnt know if she was married or not to the dude all i know is his ass wasnt in any pictures with the baby. Ive done some searchin around, he was some dead beat who'd prey on women revealing there weak sides on the internet instead of reality. Yeah I never liked virtual dating. That or the websites. Why do for me what i can do myself?

Even after zipporah was in my view i was a happy mad. Happy that Ashley finally got her family minus the father. But mad at the whoremonger man who just left her. I was a little sore with Ashley for hiding it.

Its been a a year and a couple months after the pictures were seen. I started forcing the thought of Ashley out. I wanted her to disappear, me or her, but mainly me. She wants to chase body parts thats on her. But Im broken now. I still love her and sure some might say less than before but i say im just skeptical now. Besides what good is seeing me broken going to do for her? Idk if she'd just laugh at me again. I kinda wish she would, so i can take these feelings and curse the day she ever earned my love.

Whats the point in arguing though. We were so happy until people stepped in and sabotaged our emotions. You hate me for cheating, laughing at what happened between the father and you and walking away. When i should have stayed. I forgave all the crap in the past. But im almost done.

The doctors told me i dont have much time left after my jumping act. I messed up my innards pretty good. The alcohol relaxed the impact though. I dont want to tell my mother, she'd flip over what im talking about. I think i can close the book on this life well too.

Even though i didnt get to help raise the dreams we shared i learned you still held onto dead things just to keep the dream alive. Ashley is alive in there somewhere, only ashley would name that baby zipporah.

I can leave happy.

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jinxyme · 5 years

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Today ended a calm that was in my life. When you work and have a disability especially a mood disorder having regularity and stability becomes essential to your day to day. I’ve had my job 2 years and in that time I went through my store being renovated and everything changing, changing how to do our jobs, and changing bosses. All things that I could handle. Didn’t handle it well but I definitely tried my best, pushed through and stayed with it. Two years I have dedicated my time my effort and all my brain power to make sure my job ran smoothly. Now none of that would have mattered without my boss. She was great, she was dedicated, and she cared for our department and our team so much. She took the job when no one else wanted it and shaped our department into the most functional it could be. We started in the trash I’m not going to lie. I had the job a month and a half and was barely tried for it yet when she took over she asked for imput and wanted to know what she could do better for us. She took the time to learn from other stores and made the department so fucking strong. Strong enough that we could handle being on our own. Today was her last day. She had a job opportunity that she couldn’t pass up and I don’t blame for her a second. She always did what was best for us and now she finally did what was best for her. I will miss her like crazy. She helped stabilize me honestly. On shitty days I knew that I could trust her for help small or big. She was always dependable. The whole fucking store can attest to this too. She was always at work. Who need to go home when you can be at work. She’s going to fucking rock it at her new job and I know this because she never gives up. If she doesn’t know it she will learn it. She won’t back down and she will get it done. She is a force to be reckoned with and I feel bad for who gets in her way next.

This isn’t the only problem that happened though. The job opportunity came and then all the stability of my department fell to shit. We have always been separate from our store. We had our own little department in the corner that we could laugh at the cashiers suffering through rush hour because we never had to help. We were a separate contract. It was amazing it’s honestly why I took the job and why I stayed with the job because I did not want to be in the store. Large crowds of people freak me out and being up front and dealing with customers is not for me. All we had to deal with was people over the phone and that’s one at a time. Never a crowd never a problem. You have the angry customer here and there but if you spoke calmly enough it could end peacefully. Last week though we were told by the end of the month that will be no longer. We will no longer be separate, we will be conjoined and there is no way out of it. They kept trying to reassure us that we wouldn’t just be forced out into the store that we would be able to still keep most of us in our department. You know only the bottom few people might have to be on the floor but as the week went on we just kept being told different stories and different ways they were going to do it and different everything. Now this once again go back to I don’t handle change well. I don’t handle people well. I don’t handle. I have learned to deal with the mood swings. I have learned to deal with the anger that pops out a lot but I never fucking learned how to deal with change. It honestly feels like I am being tossed in a lake in the middle of January with no clothes. Stuck from the shock of the cold water, drowning so quickly with no escape. All the while I have literally everyone telling me to deal with it stick it out and that it will be fine. No one bothers to take in to account the fact that it’s already hard enough when scheduling used to switch my shifts on me but now everything can just be switched. If my hours don’t fit well in my department I will get stuck doing what the store wants me to do and there isn’t a way to stop it. Cause I can’t just call in sick. I can’t just avoid the shift and I sure as hell cant avoid the people. Maybe this would all be okay if there wasn’t as many fucking people but that’s not the case because a store in told closed down and it was the only other fucking store in the downtown core. Hmmmmmmmm I wonder why my store is all of a sudden overwhelmed with people so much that we are not constantly busy in the store from 9:30am till5:45pm. Then another beautiful rush of people from 7pm- closing time because our town runs on munchies and our convenience stores have bad hours and bad prices so it’s never worth it. We used to be busy from 11am -5:45pm but it was so much more manageable. The cashiers weren’t overwhelmed. The store staff wasn’t constantly busy showing people around. Now we are just fucked in the store and we are just told to not try to fight with customers over prices or whatever it may be and just give up because there are honestly so many more of them and definitely not enough of us. I am now getting yelled at by people in the store because I am not on tills and I am not helping them grab stuff and I am not showing them how the store works. I do understand that coming to a new store is a shitty feeling because if you’re used to going to another store for the past 5-10 years we’re their layout is the opposite of ours because shockingly enough they were a competitor. I’m sorry we don’t have pickles in the same isle as the other store. I’m sorry you didn’t see juice boxes on the sign and missed the isle you wanted to go down. I’m sorry that our coffee is split up between natural coffee and Folgers and stuff. I didn’t make the floor plan. I don’t get to pick where things go. I don’t even get to pick where I go now. Please don’t get mad at me. That might have gotten a little off topic sorry.

The problem with the merge with the store is all the people in our department chose it because we have health problems mental problems you name it we have someone who’s got it. So we honestly can’t really do the other jobs in the store. I am not going to lie when I was hired they shoved me into the department because after the orientation day they realized that If i worked in the store I wouldn’t have made it past like day 2. They were not wrong. I get why they want us in the store. We do understand till work. We know how to technically put things onto shelves. We know how to talk to customers but that doesn’t mean that we are suited for it. We have to do returns so we have to know the tills. We have to talk to customers in the store cause we are on the floor a lot. We’ve technically all helped out in other departments but I have thought about this a lot and I don’t know a single department that I could handle for more then an hour or two because they’ve all been hell. They are all run barely. Having my department separate was great because when shit went wrong in the store and we got in shit for it I would take it to the store mangers I would tell them the other departments failures (expired products,poor quality, opened packages) and they would be told in their own separate meeting they needed to be more careful with what they put on the shelf. What happens now though. Are they still to be held accountable? Or is it now my fault because I will be working in all the departments too. Why should it be my fault when I do my job correctly when I am there. I always take the expired products off the shelf. I always check the packaging. And I always make sure what ever I am grabbing is of the best quality we have. All these little things are getting my head wrapped to the point were I am so close to just quitting. What actually brings me back to my boss. The rock star. She overworked herself ever single fucking week. She did overtime she did double shifts. She would do like full 10 hour shifts without eating or sitting but just drinking more coffee. Because of this no one in my department wanted her position. They all say how exhausted she was. The store saw it also so no one from in the store wants the job either. We had 2 applicants for the job. One retracted their application after the interview and the other has no experience in managing or what our department is so why would you bother applying? I know I said she prepped us to be on our own but she only was able to prep maybe 3-4 of us. So we have so many who are going to just be lost without her direction. Who do we go to with our problems now. What are we supposed to do if someone calls asking for a supervisor. I honestly don’t know. All this is just fucking me up sideways and it’s so fucking mentally exhausting. So much so that I am pushing myself away from people because I am so worried that I am going to have a swing and just freak out. That I am going to break down and just give up. That I am going to lose all the progress I have made to be a better person. I am so scared that I am going to lose me. The person I’ve become with the routine and the schedule and the freedom that came with it. I have lows here and there and I have my highs but I have been controlling them. I’ve taken care of myself and all of this change is unraveling what I have put together.

The worst part is it’s last change because we were also told that we would be getting double the work load starting in July. That we would be busy then ever. That we would be upping our radius and serving even more people. So with the store changing us having no management and our department getting ripped apart we were then told that with the little moral we had left that now we will have to do double the work and do it faster. They expected us just be a mat to walk on. They wanted us to not question anything that’s been given and just do it. I don’t know if I will be able to handle it. I am fighting myself every day because so much of this just doesn’t seem worth it. When it was our department and our space and our work then I had no problem with any changes they threw at me but not that we aren’t separate I don’t know how to handle it. My boyfriend told me to start thinking about what I actually want to do with my life but I honestly don’t know. I was fantastic at what I have been doing. I knew it wasn’t going to be for life but I’ve never been very good at life plans. Just short term goals and that was fine but I should have started thinking about what I want to do for a living. What I want to be and who do I want to be. I honestly love working with my hands but because my hands are so damaged from the exzema it makes it hard to do something dedicated like that. I know desk jobs aren’t for me either because I’ve been there I’ve done that and it was horrible. So after that what is there really for me to do. You can’t make a living off of being a cashier part time. I’m fucking lost and I have to be up in 4 and a bit hours.

#personal rant.#personal #angry #frustrated #retail

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