Today she is red. Glazed in impatient strokes of mine, a gift, red like cremation, like the still-living coals.
She bows her head, a lamb, and allows me to touch her face. She shakes, but is not flinching. "I don't have to do it like this."
Grace does not say anything. Grace pushes into my hands, till they curve under her jaw. Till I can feel the shape of her skull. Till I can time the pace of blood running through her heart. She knows it was a lie - no one else will be able to love her like this, as she is, as she will be.
I break her into pieces.
I dismantle her. I smash her with my open palm until she becomes a formless crumple, blood blooming slowly with each strike. Her dark hair I hack off with safety scissors like gravestones crumbling in bad weather. Her clothes I burn in the industrial furnace - nothing I can keep, so ash it all will be.
The rest is all artifice - I do not change her skin. I open it, step inside it, wearing it, I become her. I wear a too-tight sports bra that makes my ribs ache, each breath restrained against the form, precious. And with the right shirt - it almost looks like me. The memory of her lies crumpled at my feet, an unceremonious death. It hurts like nothing else could hurt, to outlive your daughter. But that's no problem of mine.
Today I am red. My nail polish is chipping, stains the cuticles like blood. Mother looks at me like it is blood, like Grace's body lies crumpled on my feet, instead of in the lines of mine. "I am the only way she could be."
PASSENGER PRINCESS????? YOUNGER BROTHER ENERGY????? FFS DAN AND PHIL GET OFF PHANNIE TWITTER STOP BEING CHRONICALLY ONLINE GO TOUCH GRASS THIS IS RIDICULOUS
So I know we here at Startrekfandom love that "came back wrong but from the pov of the wrong" thing and apply it to many different characters and canon situations and I am far from trying to complain about it (I'm "came out wrong" trope myself so I was always gonna obsess over it) but having recently watched a very important episode (you'll know which one) for the first time I think there's a character who hits both tropes mentioned but llike, intertwined, opposite and subverted, and whom I wanna talk about.
Julian Bashir.
From his parents' pov he's "came out wrong but we got him help and he came back better" while from his own pov it's "came out 'insufficient', was destroyed for it, came back wrong and only later slowly came to terms with his new self tho never the process (justifiably so)" and it's heartbreaking because in a way, he's right! Jules Bashir died! His parents had an intellectually disabled child and decided to eugenics him! Julian is not the person he used to be and while I do love the person he is now, that doesn't bring back who he was! Part of me wishes we could've gotten to see Jules at least once and part of me hopes we never do because my heart would shatter.
This isn't a good comparison but nonetheless one I can't help drawing: it's giving similar vibes to anti-vaxxers. "I'd rather risk having a child who is dead than one who's autistic". Obviously this doesn't map over since Julian is still autistic and the procedure his parents subjected him to specifically targeted his intellectual disability and if any folks with id wanna comment on this I definitely recommend you listen to them over me, but it's a similarity I, as an autistic who has encountered anti-vaxxers again and again, can't help but point out. "Give me a normal child or give them death."
This may have been written about already but there needs to be stories about teenage Julian (after finding out and rediscovering who he was) practicing some good ol' recognition of the self through media. I need to hear about how he would encounter a story about someone who came back wrong (I'm gonna assume there's plenty of "wrong" pov stories floating around by the 24th century) and absolutely weep. I need to see Julian mourning Jules, taking years and years to process his feelings, experiencing guilt about how he, the imposter, didn't deserve to live Jules' life.
Came back wrong from the returned's pov but it wasn't an accident. It was done to you deliberately by the people who claim to love you. And now you are here, piloting the corpse of your predecessor.
Thanks for everything you all have gave to me this year, the words, the support and everything else!!! I hope you enjoy the holidays and have a wonderful time the rest of this year and i´ll see you on the next one!