#why is my brain wired this way!??!?!?!?!

[dollsome-does-tumblr]

so, the most recent novel i managed to actually finish writing, three long years ago, was the book of my absolute lifelong dreams and most of the time i just leave it sitting on my computer and pretend it doesn't exist because i feel too tenderly about it and i'm too proud of it and it's agony to me. these feelings are, for whatever reason, unbearable hell. but like once a year i work up the courage to reread it, and every time i'm like, "god DAMN! who wrote this?? this is exactly what i've wanted to read my whole life!!!!!!! it's simply delightful!" and then i remember that oh yeah, it's me!

#i feel like i should vow to try to query this thing like 50 times just because i love it so much and i owe it to my own love of it #and then when i get rejected because it's 155k and that's insane (but it NEEDS TO BE!) i can at least say i tried #i don't get what it says about me that i wrote the book of my dreams and now i'm too embarrassed so i pretend it doesn't exist #instead of trying to get it published #as it is apparently my lifelong goal to be a published novelist #why is my brain wired this way!??!?!?!?! #i think i'm just too scared that everyone else will hate it and it will hurt my feelings too much because it's so me #it is truly and completely my sweet little baby #and it has the same word count as jane austen's emma which i only discovered after i finished writing it #fate!!!!!!! #dollsome's deep thoughts #it's my birthday so i'm allowing myself this really self-indulgent post #getting older and still never being a (non-self-) published novelist: the story of me

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#it's an old frustration. an old pattern of thought. #i just feel that i have a brain that doesn't hold information. that lacks the discipline to gain knowledge. that is incapable of deeper #thought. and i cant teel you how maddening that is. to sit in a room and listen to other people discuss a paper you read in depth 5 times #like it's the 1st time you ever heard anything about it. how is that possible? how do i work with that? i read and nothing sticks. #nothing stays with me. how??? i was talking to a prof recently who ive heard is hard on her students with disability accommodation. and she #was saying how she doesnt see these things as a disability. how we're just different not disabled. ive heard the phrase differently abled #a lot of times. and i get what she's saying. i do. ad i get why she's hard on them. she wants to push them. but there comes a point where #you are quote unquote differently abled and you run into a wall that other people dont have. then what are you supposed to do? work harder? #but what if that doesn't help? what if that just compounds the hurt that's always been there? what if that leaches away all the wonder? what #then? at what point does a thing become too much of a barrier? i think there's a reason i dont run into many other dyslexic grad student. #everyone has adhd. it's a place where those with adhd prosper. but dyslexia not so much. at least not with the level of hanicap i have #and everyone's really nice. they want to help. but there's nothing anyone can do for me at this stage. it's up to me to compensate for my #leaky head. and i kno im not stupid. ive got a piece of paper stating my iq is above average after correcting for uneven intelligence. but #i dont feel very smart most of the time. i feel more like my uncorrected iq score that comes out at just below average even with me trying #my very best. iq is bullshit but there's something to be said for that gap. im smart if unconstrained by language and time. but were bound #by language and we're bound by time so what am i supposed to do? is there anything i can do? im stuck with this forever. theres no getting #better or making it easier. my brain is wired in a way that gives me the reading skills of a child. forever. and i just have to accept that #and im trying to swallow around that idea easier because the only other option is to choke on it. but maybe i chose the wrong career path. #one of my lab mates said she wants challenges all the time and ive chosen a path that's challenges all the time but im jsut trying to do #what everyone else can without a second thought. it's deeply demoralizing. yet here i am. trying to be easier abt it. #maybe im just nit cut out for this. doing a job im not built for. #unrelated

[anothermonikan]

The thing about my brain constantly narrating my actions and my creative processes and that sometimes I'll just think something completely out of left field and I just gotta sit with that

#sorry sorry drawing something and I was think about how I would feasibly structure parts in a robot body #and Idrk why and where I got this from but I always think the hardrive should be a center piece #like I always describe hardrives as the heart and brain of a computer so I place it. where the heart would be #but I don't really think about how it would be protected it's just kinda. There amount the wires #and like. idk I've had a few too many thoughts about someone holding my heart and like. there's something about it man #like the amount of trust you'd have to put into a person to do that. Completely unfeasible fantasy yeah #But I think I'm making that feasible with the way I think about robot internals because there isn't like. an equivalent of a ribcage #so like ough....that type of thing is feasible to do to them #sorry sorry #I think this is gonna change people's opinions on me maybe now that I've in-tag mentioned that I think about people holding my heart yeag #I think it'd be pretty epic if it was feasible yeag #Android.txt

[sunnibits]

they should invent a new kind of medicine for adhd but instead of treating your executive dysfunction it’s just a pill that stops you from feeling physically ill whenever someone criticizes your hyperfixation

#^^pill I would love right now actually!! hyperfixations are sooooo fun /s #like yeah I’d actually like to not feel sick and disgusted and depressed whenever I see a discourse post thanks #it’s actually stupid and ridiculous amd embarrassing how bad it makes me feel. like why is my brain wired this way it’s sooooo silly #adhd

[hauntedpotat]

I love finding out there's yet another small thing wrong with me 👍

#not like a diagnosis or something just like. how my brain has been wired #when stuff has never been an option for me in the past i just dont think about it anymore even if it is an option now #even stuff that has never been told to me #like i was working on a project and i didnt have enough felt to make it so i just went “well that sucks” and did something else instead #and then my mom comes in like an hour into my improvisation and im telling her this #and shes like “we could have gone to the store? you shouldve asked” #and it just never crossed my mind as an option #because i have been trying so hard not to inconvenience people my entire life that going to the store became something that we planned to do #and it was either on the way to/from something or explicitly planned for a day and time #so ive never considered just. going spontaneously #esp to get something unimportant #so it was just immediately vetoed by my brain because 'oh youre busy you dont have time for that trips to the store take too long' #so thats nice #i dont know what to do with myself now #i love finding out more about how pleasing everyone in my life has affected me #<<sarcasm #aaaand thats why im now crying! #this is fun #potat rambles #vent post #tw vent #<kinda? its just venty tags #idk being safe with it

[pendraegon]

something something about your parent who abused you all your life having the same thing that you do and when he goes through the lows you feel sympathy and yet.

#it is not joy but it is. something that tastes similar. #sorry it's just like. im bipolar too but i would never ever treat my child like that if i had a kid lmao nor does it excuse #any of the actions that STILL (STILL!) occur towards me. like.... something about seeing the person who hurt you again and again and again #suffering. even if that suffering you understand acutely and know TOO well like. i despise that this is another thing that we share. is it #not bad enough we share the same blood? why is my brain wired the same way? but. we are also. parent and child. he is #still my father and even now. even now. i look at some young kids with their dads being happy and i crave that. so bad. so so so bad. #i dont think i'll ever not feel that to be honest. #anyways. um. tbt to teen ellian talking about All Of This #on my online diary (my tumblr bloggie of course<3)

[bilestat]

I wish chewing gum were fucking illegal

#sorry to the gum lovers but you make my life hell on earth and I am SICK OF IT #every day I wish people could learn to chew with their mouths closed #I will never forget the time I made a vent post on fb in college because my misophonia was being triggered #LITERALLY EVERY FUCKING DAY FOR HOURS AT A TIME #saying there was a special place in hell for people who chew with their mouths open #and this person I was friends with for a bit bitched at me and was like #I don’t think it’s right to wish hell upon people for that. #GIRL I DON’T EVEN BELIEVE IN HELL. WAY TO HAVE ZERO SYMPATHY FOR ME LMFAO #like imagine seeing someone you’re supposedly friends with clearly in distress and being like 🖐️🤓 I’m going to play devil’s advocate and al #call you a bad person #bitch. it’s been years and I’m still mad about that and I always will be #anyway. I am not made for the world. I am not made to deal with people at large. my brain is literally wired wrong and I suffer genuinely #every day of my life because of it #idk why I’m surprised because even people I’ve been close to have triggered me on purpose or lied to my face about making noises that #trigger me while literally doing it or had little sympathy for me or have acted like I exaggerate it #wish y’all could take it from me for a single minute and see what it’s like #misophonia #personal #to be deleted #and chewing is just one trigger sadly I have many others 💔💔💔

[pankracy]

it's amazing how much better you feel after having something to drink and to eat. truly. also after going to sleep at a normal hour! haven't done that in like two weeks but I know for a fact that it works. tell your friends.

I also heard but it may be a myth idk that some physical exercise makes you feel good as well. will have to investigate that eventually.

#.txt #Why Does My Body Not Inform Me That It's Hungry And Thirsty In A Normal Way #related actually: why can't I just REMEMBER to EAT. I need that to live why isn't my brain naturally wired to REMEMBER

[godfistgonnalive]

when you make weekend plans early in the week and so now every day leading up to it is like purgatory

#i love hanging out with my friends as much as the next guy #but the amount of fear it brings me is astronomical #so early in the week too!! #(im being dramatic i made plans on monday and ive felt mildly anxious about it throughout these two days) #any anxiety at all causes deep suffering. #it makes me nauseous which makes my emetophobia go haywire and its about the time of the year where my ocd goes haywire and its just! #can i have ONE second of peace #PUHLEASE #i want to be normal and i want to make plans with people and i want to have fun! #UGH #now i wanna CRY #FUCK EVERYONE WHO CAN DO THINGS NORMALLY (im jealous. so unbelievably jealous) #WHYYYYYYYYY #no no i must not continue this #i learned that asking why gets you nowhere because there is no why #my brain is just wired this way i didnt do anything no one did anything #SIGH #i have college work to do. enough of this

[chocolate-cream-soldier]

/

#it's kind of weird coz this person just invited ne to their wedding #an ex colleague of mine #i don't want to come off as rude and i am happy for them but i will never ever go to their wedding!!! #and I don't even specifically know why #i am kind indifferent to them as a person tbh #plus weddings are really not my scene....all the chaos..the unnecessary random people and their need to socialize #it's just when someone invites u and u don't have any obvious excuse other than *I don't want to* #which no matter how valid that reason is in ur head just feels rude ughhh #anyways i don't think me not going will be. big deal for them lbr but trying to come up with an excuse #to get out of that situation took a dair amount of time from my day #gods i hate how i always overthink about these little things #qhy is my brained wired in this way.... #aaaaaaa #raee in rantmode #i be talking to the void #personal ramblings #for ts #life woes

[three-eyed-bat]

Going to bury this with several reblogs after I post this so my 2 followers don’t see my horrible horny posting, but I would give up the world for a woman who loves me to grab me by the legs and fuck me in the amazon position until she was satisfied.

#amazon position #I don’t know why my brain is wired this way #hornyposting

[elevenfifths]

don’t know if it’s the transness, the trauma, or the neurodivergence (really doesn’t matter i guess, don’t need to pathologize myself) BUT fuck i wish being like more-animal-than-human was a thing that could happen.

i’ve literally had dreams about that since like age 5 (dreamt that i got turned into a lion king hyena via injection lol) and that shit has never gone away 25 fucking years later.

i just. sometimes i really want to be not-a-person. pretending isn’t good enough sometimes. being a furry isn’t good enough sometimes (i mean it’s the back bone reason i got into furry shit at age like 12 but that’s beside the point). i just wanna be a fucking creature so bad. so so bad.

#bird rambles #why is my brain wired this way #trying to extend compassion to my weirder desires but like #idk dudes #idk

[squishosaur]

dies in your arms but only as a plot device. yeah only for the sake of the narrative, they're just bringing you to an emotional low so you can awaken some sort of power within you. yeah, no, you don't get to grieve me or anything, but please remember to clench your fist and scowl bitterly any time anyone or anything reminds you of me for at Least the next week or so

#chatter #no i don't get any depth to my character either. maybe you'll hear more in a flashback or something though #this is me talking to anyone while i have a migraine btw #IT'S SO BAD IDK WHY MY BRAIN IS WIRED TO THINK THAT WAY #programmed to think i'm the irl equivalent of a narrative tool ig. my purpose is other people. that's sad though #anyway my head hurts so i think i will disappear off of the face of the earth forever :(

[apeshit]

certain love live songs i cant even sing along to without having to stop because im about to cry

#i listened to snow halation today in the car since its christmas and was like . getting too emotional i had to stop singing #i do not understand why my brain is so hard wired into caring so much about love live but it is and itll probably be that way forever #it just gets me emotional specifically μ’s #canto xii

[the-trans-dragon]

It’s fucking annoying that upper management won’t let me off light duty, but being forbidden to do my old duties and being scolded for doing any extra work sure has forced me to stop being a hardworking dedicated diligent employee.

Yesterday I made a cute little paper chain, using long strips I cut from a torn paper bag, and using some techniques I invented to hold it together without any additional materials (I’m sure my techniques are old and very simple compared to more advanced stuff, but I’m having so much fun trying to reinvent things purely by experimenting around). I threw it away in a specific place to guarantee it won’t be seen by The Manager Who Deadpan Threatens To Kill Me For Small Mistakes I Make Because I Wasn’t Ever Trained For This Job Position.

This morning I was getting ready for work and my chronic illness flared up, and I was in so much pain that I couldn’t stop my throat from trying to scream. Normally I just ignore it and go to work, even though it means risking my health and creating a small but serious possibility of ending up in emergency surgery, but today? I called in sick.

I should write my manager a thank you letter. “Thank you for saying you’d kill me if I ran out of quarters again. And for always assuring me that I’m doing everything wrong. It’s good to know I’ll never be adequate for you, because I’m finally learning to prioritize myself over everything else. I still get scolded for it, but at least I benefit from caring about myself, unlike when I care about my job and put all of my effort into doing as much work as possible.

And thank you for teaching me how to ignore the opinions of others. I never did figure out how to handle being treated worthless—I always stood up for myself, even when it meant risking my life. But I finally figured out how to say “Yes” and “Okay.” The trick is: I don’t have to mean it, just say it. It’s okay to lie to people. You taught me that if have to pick between arguing and lying, I should just lie. You always think I’m lying anyways, so I know you don’t believe it, but I guess it imitates respect enough to be satisfactory.

I realize this lesson is one that many people learn during childhood, so I hope you’ll forgive me for not knowing it in advance. Thank you for the miraculous opportunity to make up for my messy childhood.”

#sorenhoots #I’m dying #the most frustrating thing is that I have done the work necessary to understand her logic and her reasoning and to understand why she is #correct according to her logic. and I agree! she is using logic that makes her life much easier and more efficient. it’s even #something I think is smart and that I respect and that I want to change my behavior to fit with #but it takes SO MUCH effort to do that. and I can’t do it with EVERYTHING she says because half the time I don’t even know what she’s saying #telling me I’m not allowed to use the computer and then getting mad that I called for a manager instead of using the computer #I’m not allowed to ask for help but I’m not allowed to help myself. #I’m not allowed to open MSpaint while I clean lotion off the touchscreen but I’m not allowed to disable the touchscreen to clean it. #‘​you’re not allowed to look things up in the computer’ one day but the next day it’s ‘why didn’t you just look it up?’ #‘you should know what products we have’ but also ‘you can’t be in the isles on breaks. #you have to be in the break room.’ girl what. #and I am LEARNING that there isn’t a way to be a good employee for her. which I hate because I want to be good. even at silly tasks like #work. and I love following arbitrary rules even! I do nuzlocke because it’s fun to make things harder for myself for no reason. #but I can’t even do that—there isn’t a way to follow contradictory rules and I can’t keep feeling bad for that #the lesson is: just say Okay. if you want to keep doing it then learn to do it sneaky. if it’s not worth it then find something else to do. #but my brain isn’t wired for that. my brain wants to solve it like a puzzle. I want to learn and grow. but this isn’t the place to grow. #no growing allowed. youre expected to learn but you can’t learn invalid lessons that contradict each other. you’re just supposed to learn to #SEEM like you learned. you’re not allowed to ask for help or clarification. that’s disrespectful. #she is easy to respect. she’s easy to need. she does so much to make our lives better and safer. but she also just fucking #lashes. the lesson is: step away from the person lashing out. you can’t become worthy. #I am still learning the lesson.

[abluescarfonwaston]

Me: Huh wonder why i haven’t written anything I was so eager earlier. Got off to a strong start.

Remembering my headphones died over an hour ago and i haven’t hit the stimulation level required for writing since they died: Ah

#i keep getting up to charge them and then forgetthing why i was getting up #my brain is wired in a normal and functional way