"One of my heroes, Brian Eno, he kind of splits art into kind of two categories, like, cowboys and farmers. And farmers like to cultivate their thing and keep it the same, and cowboys like to kind of go out and find new passages. And I think that there's so many incredibly, wonderfully talented people in this room, and I don't have any advice 'cause I'm really scared and I feel really small. But my only advice would be, like, just be a cowboy. Be a cowboy."
February 12, 2020: The 1975 win the Innovation Award at NME Awards, and in his acceptance speech, Matty encourages the audience to 'be a cowboy'. (source)
Charlie doesn’t know how to talk to Cal about the divorce.
For one thing, he can’t stop feeling guilty about the timing. He’s never said it out loud or anything (doesn’t know if it would be appropriate or not), but he knows this is the worst point for him and Carrie to crumble. This is Cal’s freshman year of high school, the year he starts to cross the tween line. And his parents are in shambles, living separately, inching toward a document to suggest their marriage never should have happened (because it shouldn’t have, and Charlie knows it).
Cal is too young to understand that the divorce is a long time coming. He’s the reason it didn’t happen back in 2005. If Carrie hadn’t gotten pregnant, there’s no telling what would have happened. Charlie’s pretty sure it wouldn’t have ended in his favor, though. It was always a miracle Carrie picked him, anyway. He was never certain, but she was always ready for him, always waiting, until she couldn’t.
But Cal doesn’t really know any of that. He’s heard about it in whispers at family functions and in arguments on the other side of thin Manhattan walls. But he doesn’t remember it. He wasn’t there. He’s the most important player in his parents’ reconciliation, but he didn’t do anything except grow eyes, ears, and a heartbeat. Carrie used to joke that because of the way they grew up, that was enough.
It was a dressing.
It’s Labor Day weekend, and Cal can’t stop asking questions. Charlie has him until school starts on Wednesday morning, this time at a Hampton Inn. He has a little more money than the Red Roof Inn. Plus, Cal is fourteen now, and Charlie can’t just be in Queens when his son needs him in Manhattan.
Never mind that Cordelia was about fourteen when Charlie moved out the first time.
Cal sits on his bed in Charlie’s hotel room asking more questions than either of them can keep up with. The words keep flying out of Cal’s mouth with no punctuation.
But why did you and Mom break up I mean I know you’ve had your differences but you’ve been together so long and why would you break up don’t you love her I know she still loves you when I asked her she said she did and that she would always love you so why don’t you just get back together I don’t understand what happened I thought things were going to be OK so what did you do wrong what did she do wrong what’s the matter what happened what’s the thing that broke you up when nothing happened so why does it matter?
Charlie takes a long pause. He’s not sure how long, but it feels like forever. Eventually, he walks over to the big window and rests one hand on the glass. He looks down at Manhattan below him and almost thinks in a metaphor before he catches himself. No clichés. His son is too good for that.
“It wasn’t any one thing between Carrie and me,” Charlie says. “It was a bunch of things. It was everything. When you … when you break up, everything matters.”
Cal makes a face. He’s fourteen, and he doesn’t understand it. For his sake, Charlie hopes he never does. For his sake, Charlie hopes Cal is the happiest man who ever lived.
“OK,” Cal says, but Charlie knows it isn’t a good enough answer. It’s not like he can tell Cal what he’s thinking.
I was the worst husband, and I might have been a worse father.
He could say that. He could. But he won’t.
Cal hasn’t figured out he got a shitty dad yet, and if Charlie has his way, he’ll never need to.
Everything matters, he thinks, especially feeling love from his son.
(part of @nosebleedclub september challenge -- day i! i know this is a great way to start the month -- behind and still working on july prompts -- but i will get there)