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hellomynameisbisexual · 3 years

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“QUEER”

First of all, let’s clear up a common misconception. Queer does not just mean gay. It’s an umbrella term for an identity which deviates from society’s perceived norm: heterosexual, or straight. Queer can refer to sexualities — gay, bisexual, pansexual, — or it can refer to being gender-queer; i.e, any label that deviates from the perceived gender norm: the binaries, male and female.

“Queer” is a reclaimed slur.

If you do not fall under the umbrella of queerness, it is safe to assume that you cannot use it. At all.

I am bisexual.

This means I experience attraction to plural genders. Pansexual also works fine. For the difference between bisexual and pansexual — see here:

Being bisexual isn’t easy. I went through similar hardships to gay women: I experienced attraction to women and was scared of what this meant for me, in such an oppressively homophobic society.

I am not saying being bisexual is harder than being gay, nor the inverse. But my experiences are distinctly bisexual, not gay.

Without further ado, here are the 3 things I’ve found to be the hardest about being queer, but not gay (enough).

#1: Finding My Place

Or, not being queer enough

I always knew I wasn’t straight, but I didn’t know what I was. Up until recently, I was still questioning. This didn’t feel enough to join groups or conversations with LGBT+ folk, let alone go to pride. Was I even LGBT if I was never L, G, B, or T?

I am still yet to attend a pride, even though I identify (fairly confidently) as bisexual. I am in a relationship with a man. This is (problematically) known as a “straight-passing relationship” and makes me feel even more undeserving of a place at pride.

This has been upsetting to me at times. But for others, it can be outright devastating. Growing up and needing support, but feeling like you’re ‘not gay enough’ to ask for it? So many young people are being left alone and afraid. Finding others like you is vital to figuring out who you are. Likewise, finding spaces which are safe and inclusive is vital for anyone, regardless of their sexuality or gender identity. A friend of mine happens to be a transgender man, and he summed up the issue perfectly:

“One thing that I keep noticing is how all hangout spots are “gay bars”, or (far less common) “lesbian bars”. I’m a straight man, so I don’t feel like I’m supposed to be there, but hanging out at regular bars is still too much of a gamble, so I don’t really have anywhere to go.”

It goes without saying that gay folk aren’t always safe in these spaces, as seen by the homophobic attack on the Pulse nightclub in Orlando, in 2016. Bigotry hurts the entire LGBT+ community. Bigotry doesn’t stop to ask whether you identify as gay or otherwise queer before it pulls the trigger.

But the LGBT+ community itself is much more welcoming to those who “pick a side” and just come out as gay, already. The infighting is inexplicable when one looks to attacks such as that in Orlando: bigots don’t care which letter you are in the acronym. So why does gatekeeping exist when we need to be strong in the face of intolerance when fragmentation only makes us weaker? Who are we helping by continuing to exclude identities from the discussion?

#2: Myths and Misconceptions

Well, it stands to reason that if bisexuals are what they seem in TV and movies, why would anyone want to make them feel included? They’re “greedy” and inauthentic. They’re attention-seeking, not to mention their propensity for threesomes. Now, I haven’t been in a wild orgy yet, but it seems like it will only be a matter of time before I follow my natural path.

Straight men, in particular, need to own up to their assumption that bisexual women are down for a threesome. The thing is, we are. But not with you, you big ASSUMER.

Infidelity

All jokes aside, the stereotyping of bisexuals is not only hurtful, but leads to difficulties finding and maintaining relationships.

As I came to terms with my bisexuality, I also had to accept that I might never be fully trusted by my partner, regardless of their gender or sexuality. I was shocked when my partner reacted to my coming out with the equivalent of a shrug — so much so, that I burst into tears of gratitude that my soul-bearing moment hadn’t been met with slut-shaming or assumptions of disloyalty. Nothing has changed. If anything, our bond is even stronger for me having been more authentic after coming out.

But cruelty came from elsewhere: when I came out, I was told that my partner was to be pitied, either because I’m gay and in denial, or bound to cheat on him. The main consequence of such attitudes has been the crippling fear of coming out to my partner. It saddens me that I felt so relieved when he accepted me for being who I am, and loving him just the same as I always have.

This outcome is not the case for many couples, with straight folk worried that their bisexual partner will realise they’re gay and just leave them. This fear of abandonment comes from a place of ignorance. When the media presents bisexuality as a steppingstone on the way to “picking a team”, it’s no wonder that people struggle to trust their queer partners.

Other Queer Myths

The myth that all trans folk medically transition invalidates those who choose not to do so, and let’s not forget the ignorant jeers that it's all just a mental illness. Asexual folk battle the stereotype that they can never have a relationship and shall forever remain a virgin (because what an awful thing that would be, right?) And pansexuals… well, at the lighter end, they’re asked if they have sex with cooking utensils. But often, they’re erased as irrelevant because “we already have the label bisexual”.

This brings us onto the third and final difficulty that comes with queer folk who aren’t easily categorizable as gay: erasure.

#3: Erasure

Erasure refers to the denial of an identity’s existence or its validity as a label.

Non-binary folk face ongoing and loud claims that they simply do not exist. This is despite the historical and scientific evidence to the contrary. Plus, the most important evidence — them, existing. Asexual folk are told they simply have not found the right person yet, or that they are just afraid of sex. Demi-sexual folk are told “everyone feels like that, unless they’re just sleeping around!”. And bisexuals are dismissed as simply being in denial that they’re gay.

Monosexuality & The Gender Binary

Our culture is so built on monosexuality (being solely attracted to one gender — for instance, gay or straight). Monosexuality is reinforced through everything from marriage to dating apps, the media to what we teach in schools. People cannot fathom that someone might want to experience more than one gender in their lifetime.

The binary models of sex and gender are also deeply ingrained. These rigid belief systems combined are to blame for our inability to accept that bisexuals do not need to “pick a side”. I was paralysed by fear for 17 years because I found girls attractive and that might mean I’m gay, because bisexuals are just gays who haven’t realised they’re gay yet.

Bierasure

Bierasure is dangerous, firstly because it leads a child to have to internalise both biphobia and homophobia. For instance, I had to work through being taught to hate gayness, whilst being taught that any attraction to non-male genders made me gay.

Women were cute, and so I was gay, and this meant I was disgusting.

My own mother told me this. She also told me that something has “gone wrong in the womb” for a child to be gay. (Well, Mum, I’ve got some bad news about your womb!)And she, like any bigot, extended this theory to anyone who experiences same-sex attractions — anyone queer. This is another reason why bi-erasure is perilous. Whether you’re a gay, cis-male or a demi-bisexual, trans woman… if your parents will kick you out for being gay, they will likely kick you out for being any sort of queer.

If we deny the bigotry that bisexuals undergo, we will continue to suffer. It won’t just go away. It will fester, with bisexuals having no one they can go to who believes them. And thus:

Erasure Kills

Bullying and suicide rates of queer-but-not-gay people continue to sky-rocket. We must direct funding, support and compassion to every queer individual, as they are all vulnerable to discrimination and bullying. The problem is being left to fester. This is in part because bigots treat all queer labels as just ‘gay’, deeming them equally unworthy. This is how far erasure can go.

Conclusion

Earlier on, I stated that my experiences are distinctly bisexual. The same applies to any queer identity.

Emphasising our differing paths and struggles is important to avoid the aforementioned erasure of already less visible groups. But this does not mean that the LGBT+ community should be fragmented by these differences.

If we can unite in our hope to live authentically and love freely, we will be stronger against bigotry. We are fighting enough intolerance from without: there is no need to create more from within.

So out of everything, what’s the hardest part about being bisexual?

It’s the fact that nobody knows it’s this hard.

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onedayatatimeblog · 3 years

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Episode 1: “This Is It”

One Day at a Time

Alejandra Guzman

Key Characters in the Episode

↠ Penelope (MC): US Army Nurse Corps Veteran; single mother of two ↠ Elena: Penelope’s daughter ↠ Alex: Penelope’s son ↠ Lydia: Penelope’s mother and Elena and Alex’s grandmother ↠ Schneider: Landlord and good friend of the Alvarez family ↠ Dr. Berkowitz: Penelope’s boss at work

Episode Overview:

Penelope and Lydia try to convince Elena to have a traditional quinceañera to celebrate her 15th birthday and honor her Cuban roots (Wolfe, 2017). This conversation brings about many disagreements and perspectives on what the celebration represents. As the episode unfolds, topics about Cuban culture, expected gender roles, mental health stigma, military service, and immigration emerge. Although the family faces a series of complexities in life, as they seek to understand each other and their connection to certain things, the family realizes despite divergent viewpoints, their love and support for each other is most important. After constant debates between Elena, Penelope, and Lydia, a meaningful conversation between Elena and Penelope takes place. In which they reconcile, and afterwards Elena agrees to the have the celebration.

Race, Ethnicity, and Culture:

The entirety of the show is based on a Cuban American family’s experiences with aspects of life in America, therefore, ethnicity and culture, are continuously present. In this episode, conversations about Cuban culture are a main focus, as the family tries to convince Elena to celebrate her quinceañera. Particularly Lydia is concerned that their Cuban roots will be forgotten, as American culture dominates. In an argument about the quinceañera, Lydia says “you are throwing away your Cuban heritage” (Wolfe, 2017). The concept of heritage is very important to Lydia because it is part of the family’s identity. The comment suggests minorities in the US often struggle with keeping their roots, as children start to move away from them. Author Nadine Naber (2010) brings attention to this through an Arab lens. She writes about how transgressing parent expectations causes cultural loss, and the struggle immigrant generations face trying to strengthen cultural continuity, while adapting to American life (p. 76-77). So although heritage seems personally important to just Lydia, many immigrant families feel the same way.

This show does a good job at representing the Latinx community and the majority of the cast itself is Latinx. However, some stereotypes emerge and reinforce unrealistic ideas about the diverse ethnic groups under the umbrella term Latinx. A reinforced stereotype is that Latinx folks are loud, especially women. In this episode, the family is noisy and Penelope and Lydia do dominate conversations as they speak loudly and freely. This draws the false belief that Latinx folks are loud and always ready to celebrate. Although I do not see it as a negative stereotype, it still influences what we think about Latinx folks, so when a person does not fit this expectation, they are seen as outsiders of the culture.Furthermore, since quinceañeras are a Latinx tradition that celebrate the transition into womanhood, many assume Latinas want one. However, as in Elena’s case many girls do not see it as an important life event, nor want want one. Whitney Pow (2012) addressed how these stereotypes can be harmful. She stated that the few portrayals of certain cultures in the media are often full of stereotypes, which turn into what people expect of that specific culture, which creates a form of identity erasure (p. 84).

In this episode, the inclusion of Schneider highlights the power and privileges that come with race and even gender. In many instances, Schneider pitched in his opinion, without thinking about his position in the Alvarez family and the privilege of his culture. His presence brings attention to the unconscious implications of race. In one scene, Schneider seeks to have a conversation with Elena to convince her to have her quinceañera. Despite not having an understanding of the culture or history, he pitched in his opinion. In another scene, when Alex questions the family’s income, Schneider tries to step up to explain the situation. I think this comes to imply how white folks have privilege that makes them feel entitled to speak on behalf of things they have no personal connection to. Along with Schneider’s race, his gender also gives him privilege. And although he might not intend to come off as rude in these instances, the way he instantly interfered before Penelope could speak, shows how he unconsciously places himself in a higher position to her.

Gender & Sexuality:

In this episode, the implication is that the main characters are all cisgender. However, as the show progresses, representation of gender and sexuality diversifies. At the moment, there is a balance of male and female characters, which all seem to speak evenly. Although, the narrative is more focused on Penelope, as she is centered as the single mother dealing with the complexities of life, family, and culture. In this particular episode, many gender stereotypes emerge to reinforce ideas about gendered expectations, but also many are challenged, which demonstrates the awareness of the cast.

In the beginning, a patient at Penelope’s work sees a picture of her in an army uniform, and assumes it was a Halloween costume. This largely implies that society has not fully accepted women in military services, as it is seen as a male dominated sphere. In a later scene, a particular stereotype that stood out is the one about boys growing up to be the man of the house, when a father is absent. Alex is only a middle schooler, yet he feels he needs to grow up to be the family provider. This norm exists in many cultures, but it is very prevalent in Latinx culture because it ties into the idea of machismo. It brings a sense of manliness and pride to be able to protect and provide for your family. A way that Penelope defies this stereotype is by demonstrating that women can be providers too. She is a single working mother, and provides most of the family’s income. Penelope also raises her kids against expected gender roles. In one instance she asks both Alex and Elena to help in the kitchen, instead of reinforcing the idea that cooking and cleaning are a woman's job.

Towards the end, Elena is surprised to find out her mother has feminist views, and Penelope’s response is “I can assemble a rifle in thirteen seconds. I’m a total badass” (Wolfe, 2017). This expresses how feminist are stereotyped to be loud, obnoxious, man haters, for the abolishment of patriarchy. Which is mainly born from liberal and social feminism, as these currently have more outward expressions (Kirk, 2020, p. 9). This erases the reality, that feminist fight to address various issues and in many ways. It also suggests that to be a feminist one is suppose to be a certain way. For instance, Elena’s feminism is never questioned because of her open expressions and appearance. In regards to sexuality, Latina women are often hyper-sexualized and exoticized in the media. This is problematic because it reinforces the idea that women of color do not fit Western beauty ideals, and only certain aspects of them are desired. Whitney Pow (2012) addresses this “exoticization” as causing harm because it presents certain communities as unable to assimilate, which is untrue (p. 84). In this show, Elena is portrayed as a nerdy feminist that dresses tomboyish, which breaks away from this hyper-sexualization of Latinas, allowing her to assimilate. However, it can still be harmful because it portrays the message that if a woman of color does not seem exotic, she is not desired.

Subtle Remarks With Larger Political Implications:

Within this episode, topics brought up seem as if only relevant to some characters due to context, however, many remarks have larger implications. For instance, Penelope is prescribed antidepressants to help with her depression and PTSD from being deployed in Afghanistan. However, she is hesitant to take them because “Cubans suffer in silence” and she does not want her mother to think she is a drug addict. Later on when Lydia sees Penelope about to take the antidepressants, she says “you don’t need drugs, you need your husband” (Wolfe, 2017). This scene implies the stigma around mental illness, particularly in the Latinx community. Speaking from a Latinx perspective, often times older generations have a hard time understanding mental health, and are quick to label people as weak for resorting to taking medications. Furthermore, saying that Penelope needs her husband also implies that women need men. Lydia goes on to justify that Penelope’s husband is doing the right thing, by leaving to earn money as the provider. Although a subtle remark, it reinforces the idea that women rely on men and basically a man is all they need, as he will provide.

In another scene, Elena pretends to be her grandmother to demonstrate Lydias view on the quinceañera. Elena proceeds to say “I worked so hard to give you an opportunity in this land of the free and home of the brave” (Wolfe). This subtle remark draws attention to immigration. Lydia herself immigrated from Cuba to the US, to have a better future. The comment suggests how often individuals who face undesirable conditions in their home country, look to the US as a place of opportunities. During the end, Penelope also admits the main reason for wanting Elena to have a quinceañera was because she wanted people to say “look at the amazing single mom pulling it all together by herself” (Wolfe, 2017). Although specific to Penelope, this is an undertone of how a lot of women feel the need to prove themselves. Specifically, single mothers feel the need to go above and beyond, apart from doing a two-person job alone, just to receive some simple acceptance and validation for their efforts.

References:

Kirk, G., & Okazawa-Rey, M. (2020). Untangling the “F”-word. In Gendered Lives: Intersectional perspectives (7th ed., pp. 2-17). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

Naber, N. (2010). Decolonizing Culture: Beyond Orientalist and Anti-Orientalist Feminisms.In Gendered Lives: Intersectional Perspectives (7th ed., pp. 76-83). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

Pow, W. (2012). That’s Not Who I Am: Calling Out and Challenging Stereotypes of Asian Americans. In Gendered Lives: Intersectional Perspectives (7th ed., pp. 84-88). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

Wolfe, D. (Staff Writer), & Hochman, S. (Co-Producer). (2017, January 6). This Is It (Season 1, Episode 1) [TV series episode]. In N. Lear & B. Miller (Executive Producers), One Day at a Time. Netflix.

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