She/Her || Bisexual || 22 || Aries i mostly use this site as my diary but you're welcome to read it
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☆SONIBRI/ソニブリ☆
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You said you are sorry and I wanted to tell you to fuck off. Tell you how I am fucking sick of it all and how you should've ended things with me way too long ago.
I wanted to say, how dare you. I wanted to say it mean. It was just mean and it shattered me like I was a child again. I said that I don't think we can say anything to make it better anymore...
Isn't it tragic? How every single thought in my head is forever begging to be told to you the way it was before, yet I can't. Because you shattered us with this.
You shattered me with it too
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He wasn't even completely mine. I shouldn't be this sad, this unable to move on. But then again, wasn't he? How can I admit all those hours of texting, talking, laughing meant nothing? How can I admit I spent a year learning every single detail about someone, from his drink choice to the street his grandmother used to walk him home through, for nothing?
How can I let go of someone when their laughter is still echoing in my head; when I can still see his face so, so clearly when I close my eyes.
I gave him my time, and my heart and every single truth about me. I have nothing else to give. And he still didn't look back once.
No one ever taught me what to do when it's a good man that hurts you. No one ever told me what to do when the same person that once made me come back to life is the reason I can't leave my bed anymore.
I am ruined now, not even sure if he knows it though. I am ruined now and I would beg for one more day. I am so, so ruined but his face is still haunting me now.
What do i do? With this feeling, with myself, with him; with all those memories only I seem to care about, what do I do?
No one ever told me what to do
#mine#spilled thoughts#this is me coping#spilled words#excerpt from a letter i'll never send#excerpt from my diary#word vomit#I don't think I can
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I'm missing your presence in my life. It's not fair. It is not fair.
I hate you for moving on
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If truly this was it, then at least I can live knowing that I was gentle with you. I wonder if you could say the same
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I can swear that everyone who knows me, knows your name. And I can assure you, I never said a single bad thing about you. Even when you shattered my heart it was my own name that I cursed instead. If it's worth something, now you know.
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Spring reminds me that it's been a year since I met you. And spring reminds me of the hot air and the days we laid on the grass together after getting ice cream. Spring reminds me of me, sunburnt, meeting you after a concert, completely red but smiling so bright, telling you about it.
Spring is hurting me this year because it is carrying all of our memories together. Summer is worse. Is it the summer air that I can smell or the faint scent of the flowers of the park we've been to together. Then pollen falls from the trees and I wonder if you are sneezing.
Your memory is engraved in me so, so deep I lose my sense of self in it. I hate that you are not here and every single about me is so tangled with everything about you, I can still feel you.
It's cruel
#mine#spilled thoughts#this is me coping#spilled words#I am going through something#excerpt from a letter i'll never send
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I tell them how you brought me back to life a year ago as I cannot leave my bed because of you. I hate how you fixed a part of me just to leave me with this void inside.
And I hate how I didn't get a goodbye. And I hate how I'm waiting for you to come back, still.
You ruined me.
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I am making the recipe I was saving for our picnic tonight, and I'm not sure where I will wear the dress I was planning to wear to meet you and I've got stuff I can't tell to someone else.
Did you have to leave me this incomplete, this unprepared? Did you have to get sick of me so quickly?
I hope i haunt you
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I am not in love with him anymore, not like it as when we were friends. It just hurts that he just left our friendship the second he found a girlfriend... He told me I was the most important person in his life 2 weeks before. And I don't miss loving him but he was my best friend. And I can't drink without wanting to cry myself to sleep now, I was a happy drunk when he was with me. And I don't want to ramble anymore... Because I still have many opinions, just no one to tell them to.
And if you met me last year, you would've witnessed how he brought me back to life, then cut my lifeline.
How he brought so much joy into my life, then took it away without even a goodbye.
And I still try to reach, because that is the way I love. Like a beaten dog that is still getting near you once again hoping for a crumb of love. And he still doesn't even dignify me with an answer. And the cruel part of me, laughs at me, reminding me how I said I would welcome the hurt if it came from him... I couldn't. Let this be my only lie
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I feel like i am losing my mind again. But it's May, and it keeps raining outside. And I will be okay. Because I was here last year, feeling this exact way, and I made it.
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Feeling only worthy when I have someone touching me, then I replay it in my head while trying not to throw up each time. Because none of it mean anything, and i don't mean anything. And I was in love but he left me out of nowhere. And I don't know what to do with myself, so I just try to throw it at someone, hoping their skin can warm me for a night
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What do I do with all this love that I cannot place on anyone anymore. Because he is not mine and he didn't love me and the months I spent meant nothing to him. And she was never going to be mine either way. Where do I place it all, how do i place it all back inside, how do I feed it back to myself? What do I do with all this effort spent, what do i do with this heart? What do I do with myself now, how will I avoid asking myself the question that haunts me at night? Is t better to be numb or feel everything all at once?
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The Tortured Poets Department is a great reminder that women don't owe the world pretty. Taylor Swift doesn't owe anyone an easily digestible pretty pop album wrapped in a bow with short songs you can make TikToks to. She's allowed to present something raw, uncomfortable, and vulnerable to the world.
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No one taught me where to place this anger. I think it was once in my gallbladder so they had to remove it. Once an astrologist said my appendix would be next if I can't place it. And I never understood how everyone else did it? How they put it to sleep so effortlessly while it's buzzing under my skin. And I never learned where to store it, still.
You don't even know what you did, yet it's slowly burning me from inside. And I can't stop thinking how ironic it all is
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My side blog is @imiss-theoldme and I use that one mainly. If you want to talk to me, especially about 9-1-1 and Kinkley/Buddie or literally anything else feel free to send me an ask or dm!!!
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How can I explain that songs started making sense when I met you? And some colors became brighter. And now I am unable to go to some places without seeing you. And you are not mine. You were never mine but how could I deal if you find someone else? And you are trying
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