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Depression Post?

Yea, this one might be a bit different. This post is more of an active rant than anything else. If you don’t really want to read it I understand, but if you do, have fun with it?

I really don’t understand, I know where I want to go. I know what I want to do. But when I sit down and try to tell people about it, I can’t... I know that his course in my life is wrong, school is not for me. I sit through classes wishing to just be at work. But when I try to tell my parents about it, I panic.

I try to sit down and have that conversation, but I am afraid. I know they will be more disappointed than they ever before. I know that I will be more happy when I am out of this hole. Why can’t I get it through my head, my happiness needs to come first. But instead, I keep worrying about everyone else and what they think about me.

It seems impossible that I can ever put myself first, I have tried for years and it never really comes out right, I always double back, putting everyone else first. I just want to be able to focus on myself. I want to be able to put myself first for once. I don’t know why I can’t.

Again, I’m sorry that this post is pretty sad. But this is my notebook *budum tiss* and I think it would be a good place to vent. I hope if you read this far that this means something to you. Anyway, I hope that everyone has a great day 💜💜💜

-Xay

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Just a curiosity

So, as I had mentioned in the last post, I have been considering doing short stories for people, possibly even as a form of commission later on. Kinda wanted to expand on that idea because I really like the idea of writing for people.

Right now there wouldn’t be any charge since it is a new concept to me, but that could be subject to change in the future.

It would be a maximum of about 2000 words and you could request a minimum amount, but if one is not specified then I would just write based on the amount of material and information given to me.

I will gladly do some fanfics, unless they are completely denied by most of the fandom. However, I will set a limit to most soft topics. Crimes; like murder, thievery or other things are allowed, but I will not do anything involving hate, forced physical contact or any that could relate to those.

My preference will probably be for OC’s, whether they are from fandoms or completely original. I just like the idea of making up completely new stories.

Currently, I will leave this somewhat open ended. You can shoot me an ask to do one, or send an email to [email protected]. I will say, while I am still in school for the remainder of the semester they may be a bit slow to return, but I will make sure they I get them done within two weeks of when I accept them.

I really hope this idea works, because it does honestly really excite me. I look forward to people sending me everything! Take care, everyone!

-Xay 💜💜💜

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I am still alive!

Hi to anyone that still is following, sorry for disappearing for a while. I kind of hit a really hard part in my life and I honestly haven’t been in the mental space for anything outside of what I was being required to do. I officially will be dropping out of college at the end of this semester. That being some time in December

Because of this, I will actually be able to start writing again, and in that I have actually decided to try something new. I can possibly write some short stories, in my writing style of course, about some OC’s or possibly random ideas that people wish to have written. For now that will be on an ask basis.

For now, I’m not really going to promise anything, because I still want to finish this semester with a decent enough GPA. I’ll be possibly more active now, but how active I am not really sure of.

As always, feel free to send me any questions or just general statements, I really love when I hear back from people. I hope everyone has a great time, talk when I can next. :)

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For anyone that missed, chapter two is up now:)

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Chapter 2 - Two New Friends

Alex’s last memory was having Tasha ask why they were watching a window, then suddenly blackness and cold. They couldn’t see anything around them, their chest felt full and it was hard to breathe. All around them was darkness and silence. Silence. Something Alex had not experienced in years. There was always some noise; a thought, a voice, a noise. But here, it was almost like before, when he was still innocent.

“You find comfort in this place? Most mortals panic almost instantly, they feel trapped and go insane in moments.” Resonated a voice, deep and smooth, like a professional conman’s. Sounding both distant and close, like both a memory and person. “Strangely enough, you are able to listen, but not respond. You’re meek, not confident enough in who.. no.. what you are.” Alex was most definitely not confident when it felt like a planar entity was casually conversing with them.

Suddenly a dull purple haze crept into the nothingness in front of them, seemingly clinging to a figure. Almost humanoid, it looked like something out of a badly rendered game. The figure was tall, close to Alex’s height, with what seemed like four legs in an X pattern, a very spindly torso that couldn’t have been more than a foot across which slowly rose to a broad chest that held a single set of muscular arms and something that vaguely resembled wings. However, they were fluid, and seemed more like a collection of squid tentacles that simply held the shape of wings. The head, or what Alex could only assume was its head, was far larger than a humans, being close to thirty inches in circumference with extremely high set features, similar to how elves are described in fantasy. The only facial feature that Alex could clearly make out was a brightly glowing pair of  violet eyes.

“Interesting indeed, you don’t seem afraid of my form.” It resounded, not visibly moving any mouth. “You could prove helpful, maybe even perfect to bridge the gap again.”

“Where the hell am I and what the hell are you?” Alex’s voice boomed, startling even themself, the creatures “wings” stopped their movement at the sound. “Why are you looking at me like a dog?” It felt draining to speak, and the two sentences left them feeling like they had just finished a mile sprint.

“Very interesting indeed, strong force of personality with low confidence.” It mumbled as its wings started up again, but in a slower cycle, “I will answer one question for now. We’re currently in the Abyss, the deepest part in Zentharia.” The eyes narrowed slightly, “Zentharia used to be a twin to your realm, what you refer to as Earth, but is Pateteria to my people. However, Zentharia was long forgotten by humans after the connection was severed thousands of years ago.”

Alex immediately felt like his head was swimming, he had to be on a bad trip as none of that made sense, realms? An abyss? A weird squid wing, creeper, wrestler cosplayer? Their vision began to go fuzzy and their head felt both heavy and light.

“You had better wake up now, Alex. If you stay too long, you’ll forget how to. But don’t worry, our conversation isn’t over quite yet. We can talk more when you’re stronger.” It said, beginning to dissipate.

“Alex!” cried a familiar voice.

“Tasha?” Alex croaked out. They blinked and suddenly they were in the  apartment complex. They could breathe again, their vision was clear, all the noise was back. The only feeling left was a cold spot near their heart and their eyes.

“What the  hell just happened to you? You had purple eyes and you were wheezing!” Tasha seemed ready to cry, which on its own would have scared Alex, but combining that with everything that had just happened, Alex was ready to either take a nice long nap or have a mental breakdown. Or both.

After about five minutes of them both freaking out, they managed to get into their apartment and lie on the couch. “Are we going crazy?” Tasha whispered.

“I don’t think so, this seems too real, plus we both are going through it.” Alex replied, still trying to figure out how to explain the weird purple squid thing.

“Well, what are we going to do about this? We can’t tell anyone, we’ll get kicked out of college, probably put in some institution.” She sounded as hopeless as Alex felt, it seemed like nothing would make any of this better.

“Well, there’s more to my side of this. I kinda talked to a, a something? An alien?” Alex began to explain the weird, vaguely humanoid looking creature and what it had said to them. Focusing heavily on the fact that there are apparently different realms, made up of things that knew of and once co-existed with humans. And they apparently knew English on top of everything.

“Dude. Maybe we should go see a psychologist. You saw a mist alien and I'm believing you.” Tasha said with a dull look in her eyes. Clearly she was trying to comprehend everything, and failing miserably.

“‘I’ve studied it for four years, unless we have some sort of combined schizophrenia, they’ll just put us in some hospital for being crazy. Or they’ll experiment on us. Or maybe even both.” Alex responded hopelessly. They stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity, “Never happened.”

“Never happened.” Tasha agreed. “I have to get to campus, the math final is in thirty minutes. Maybe try to take a nap.” She stood and began to collect her notes.

“Unlikely, but I’ll try my best.” Alex stood and hugged Tasha for a minute, such being uncommon as Alex didn’t like physical contact very much. They often made an exception for Tasha, however, she was probably the only person they could touch on a regular basis.

“It’ll be okay my little raven.” Tasha said, taking a motherly tone. She was the oldest of six siblings and was used to the idea of comforting others. “When I get back, why don’t we order Chinese food and watch movies?”

Alex felt another shift in their balance, but different than before, “Or watch old cartoons?”

5:00pm came faster than Alex expected, they spent the time relaxing on the couch. Idly playing on their phone, the door opened and Tasha slunk through. “That was awful, but I made it back alive. Mostly at least.” Tasha said as she collapsed on the chair next to Alex.

“Did you do good on it?” Alex asked, looking at her admiringly, “I wasn’t ever really that great at math, you’re seriously good at it.”

“I think I did alright. Some parts of it were actually difficult, but my professor said that I would easily get my degree this year.” Tasha rambled on for a few minutes. Alex just watched her talk and waited for her to finish, “Jan was actually useless in finishing her part, I’ve been talking too long, what did you do while I was gone?”

“Just layed here on my phone, waiting for you to get back. I took a nap and watched tv.” Alex had actually taken a quick nap on the couch after watching cartoons, but was feeling a bit embarrassed by it, “You said we could get food and watch movies, is that still okay?”

“Of course it is. I’ll get the menu pulled up on my phone and you can pick out what we watch tonight. Do you want me to just get your favorite or do you want something different?” Tasha said, looking up from her phone, her tone very soothing.

“I’ll just take my normal, what kind of movie do you want?” As they were scrolling through the movies available. No response came, “Tasha?” Alex said as they looked over and choked back a scream, as Tasha’s had turned a pale color and her eyes had turned a bright golden color.

Tasha was extremely warm, like her lungs were filled with a cool fire. Her breathing was harsh and hot, her eyes were watering. All around her, she saw gold and orange. No one was around, but there was a distant sound of music and laughter. It seemed like she was going to explode in a flash of heat, but it was also comforting in a strange way.

“Terribly sorry it took so long to get here my dear, I was held up with some other matters.” A feminine voice said from behind her. Turning around, Tasha saw something both perfect and disgusting.

This creature that stood in front of her was at least a foot taller than, nearly the same size as Alex. Alex! She realized that he had partially switched out, and that they shouldn’t be alone for too long.

“Relax darling, they will be okay. You’ll be back soon to be with them again.” The figure said, its mouth open but not moving with the words. As it stood there, it looked mostly human; two arms, two legs and one head. However, it clearly had far too many eyes. It also had something that seemed like a set of wings, almost birdlike covered in feathers but with strange patches of skin-like material, almost like scar tissue.

“Where am I and who are you?” Tasha questioned through gritted teeth, feeling like she was talking through a campfire’s heat, her voice very warbled and unsteady.

“Well, my dear, I am Vesril, and we’re in a realm called Zentharia. Specifically, we’re at the top of what you would call a mountain, close to the peak where my family resides. This place is called Summoner’s Perch.”

Thankfully, Tasha was great at storing information quickly. Mentally rotating everything Vesril was saying, trying to decode and comprehend it. “How did I get here? How do I get back?” Tasha questioned, starting to get her voice to obey her again, “I want to leave, now.”

“You can leave whenever you would like to, child. All you have to do is ask and I will send you back. But you may want to hear what I have to say about your friend, Alex.”

Tasha was taken aback, anger and fear starting to bubble inside her, “What about them? Don’t you dare lay even a finger on my little Raven.” Her voice was instantly like steel, her eyes narrowed and burned at the thought of Alex being hurt. Just like any other time she began to get angry, it felt like her hands were set on a stove, burning hot.

“Ah, you’re further along than they are, that can be a good thing.” Vesril mumbled to themself. It made a sound like it cleared its throat before it spoke again. “Alex, as I’m sure you know, was contacted by another entity from Zentharia. I want you to make sure they stay far away from them. Alex is far too valuable to be in the hands of someone like him.”

“What do you mean ‘too valuable’.” Tasha was furious at this point, the idea of Alex being used by whatever this creature was was pushing her past her limit. Her fingers felt like they were wreathed in white-hot flames, but it wasn’t painful. “I swear, you had better stay away from Alex!”

Darling, I’m only trying to help the both of you. You both have extreme potential that would be wasted with those creatures.” The creature started to sound worried and angry.

“What are they then, if they’re so awful?”

“I can’t tell you that yet dear.”

Tasha snapped, she lunged at Vesril, faster than she had ever thought was possible, grabbing Vesril by the throat. “You stay away from me and Alex! We dont need some freak of a creature talking nonsense to us!” Her grip tightened even further, the burning feeling was gone, but her hands were still warm. Stealing a quick glance down, she was terrified, as her hand was cloaked in a dark blue flame. She looked back up, forgetting her panic, “Take me home. Now!”

“Very well.” Vesril choked out with a gasp, and suddenly Tasha had Alex’s neck in her hand.

#novel #art #my writing #writing #DID #nonbinary

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Another random writing from being bored in chem again,

Why is it, that when you’re lost and confused, no one seems to be reachable? People go from always bored at home to constantly busy faster than a mood swing happens. Even when you’re able to find this one person that is there and wants to help, it immediately feels like you’re burdening them. In the infinite wisdom that is my bored mind at work, I have settled on an idea. When you observe this happening, either people’s sudden preoccupation or your own feelings of being a burden, remember that you will always be your own main character. You are your own story, being told by you. Never forget this, as well, your story is your own, never let anyone tell you how to write your own story. And when you think your story should end, no story ever has a perfect ending, but all stories have readers that will always want more. I always want to hear more of your story, so it can become part of my own. Please keep writing for, for me and all your readers.

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Do you have a tag that all the chapters of your story are under? (Btw i just finished the first chapter and I really liked it!)

Currently no, I’ll probably tag it as the title when I actually figure out what that is going to be, because I’m blanking on what it should be called lol

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Hi I just wanted to say you're amazing and I love reading your writing. Thanks for existing 💜💜

Thank you! I’m glad I can have people enjoy what I make. I will say, I can’t wait for the day that I am able to make it my living! (Also thank you for existing too!!!!)

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You said you wouldn't mind writing about you and your alters, I've been reading what you've written and just want to know more about you :) Of course if you don't really want to elaborate on anything that's perfectly fine! I have DID myself and just hearing about others' systems is fun to see the differences

I’ll go ahead and make a post about them when I can since you’re interested. A quick brief, I have what a lot of people refer to a “stable” system, meaning I don’t often have many of the struggles that I experienced earlier in my life, like random or rapid switching. Apart from that, we all tend to exist in the same space in our mind, meaning usually whoever wants to pay attention to the front can and random talks can happen between anyone, even whoever is fronting and a deep mind alter. If there are any other questions or concerns about it besides my individual alters and their personality, feel free to ask any questions or just message me! :)

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Hey just popping in to say I love your writing style! Thank you for posting your work 💖💖

Thank you very much! I have a long way to go with my writing but I’m glad that people enjoy what I’m able to make now! I’ll make sure to post as much as I can!

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Quick Apology

Hey guys, I just want to really quickly say sorry for me disappearing for a bit, I’ve been going through a pretty stressful time with college and work and haven’t had the most time to do things that I actually enjoy. I’m going to try to be more active and post at least one thing a day from now on. I’m going to start typing chapter two for everyone who is waiting on that. I hope everyone has a great day!

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A writing from calc this morning

"Sometimes, there is not a real solution to your problems, and thats okay. Not every battle ends and bot every fight stops. But what is it that can ve learned during a time like this? Even when you know it will never end, you keep fighting regardless. Take pride, because that eternal struggle is the most taxing, and I am proud if you for continuing it."

Kinda hits close to home but I hope people like it :) hope everyone has a good day 💜💜

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Another random writing while watching pokemon on youtube

"Scarfs are something no one pays attention to, for they are fashion, utility and just nice to have. But scarfs can hide much: power, lust, insanity. We all know it to be true, but the question that still ticks in people's minds, is what does your scarf hide from the world?"

No idea where that one came from, but have fun guys :)

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Do you look like your profile picture? Or is it a persona

It based off how I look, but I am no where near that good looking. However I think im glad for it, I wanna maintain myself somewhat behind a persona for a bit.

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As promised, random writing from while in chem class:

"Even when things are ment to be solid, it can still become fluid. Nothing is truly too solid that it cannot change, simply turn up the heat and watch it melt away.

Except organic materials, those burn not melt."

I guess it could be kinda inspiring? I think its random

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Id love to read filler or anything that you write! Post all of it 💞💓

This seems to be the common answer lol, ill go ahead and post stuff when it comes to me, thanks everyone for the feedback!💜💜

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Hey everyone, i had a quick question. I often have random little thoughts or "poetic" paragraphs pop into my head when I'm not doing anything. Would anyone like me to post those as filler between chapters of the novel?