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― Albert Camus, Notebooks: 1935-1951

#big and important

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Susan Sontag; Reborn. Journals and Notebooks, 1947-1963

#i don’t know how to not be consumed by this #some days are better than others #me

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is this thing on???????

WHAT A YEAR!!!! out of chronological order: i found my wedding dress, poppy is my best friend, katie showed me a bean recipe that i will cherish forever, my wedding band, went to philadelphia to DNF in the half marathon and spend three days with katie and karina, taylor swift with megan melissa erin and erica, an eerily calm charles river on a sunset run recently, poppy is my best friend pt 2, tom is my best friend, and my garden that i spent 4 weeks digging up and remaking and creating just to ignore it for two months and never got the fruits of my labor (tomatoes, raspberries, etc).

running more than ever (post college), have a new job in transportation policy, getting married in less than 4 months. lots to do and lots to see and somehow i’m still wasting hours a day on my phone. oops!

#me

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#me

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Looove how she says "you're not saying you're in love with me... but you're going to 😏" and then literally in the next song she's like

#hahaha #taylor swift

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#big and important

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Being fat, actually fat, with an eating disorder is fucking hell.

People assume you have BED, and if you actually do have BED people are so gross about it. If you have a restricting disorder people get concerned when you start eating more. People get concerned if you start to like yourself. People love to see you fucking miserable, and will completely ignore your misery in the same breath. It makes them feel good. They benefit at your expense through weight stigma.

So many physicians prescribe disordered eating to us. ED specialists in many places won’t even consider how EDs affect us. Our own community uses our bodies as inspiration to hurt themselves. Because nothing could be worse than looking like us, right? How are you supposed to love yourself when so many people actively don’t want you to?

To the fat person reading who needs to hear this, I give a shit if you recover. I give a shit that you are hurting. So many people don’t notice, so many don’t give a fuck, but I do. You deserve better. I want you to eat even if it means you gain weight. I want you to be happy in your body as it is. I want you to feel loved, I want you to feel seen.

If you are fat with BED, I see you. There is so much stigma and it is not your fault. Your weight isn’t “your fault”, you are sick. It’s not a moral failing. You deserve compassion, and the extent to which people project their own issues onto you is awful. You deserve to be comfortable in your skin, and your body is wonderful.

If you are fat with purging tendencies, or with restricting ones I see you too. We get praised for hurting ourselves, or no one notices. I see you. I’m sorry.

I wish so badly the world were more compassionate to you, but if no one else gives a shit, I do. Fight for recovery for me, even though I know that journey can be so, so lonely when you aren’t thin.

To those of you who have recovered, to those of you that may. You are worth it. You may be fat for the rest of your life, and that’s okay. It’s wonderful, your body is wonderful, and I see you and I’m proud of you. Sadly I know many of us recover alone, but I hope you know you aren’t. I’m rooting for you.

#i was never truly underweight but i also have never been truly overweight #but it absolutely WRECKS me that people on my life who are fat and have an ED constantly have to #justify or prove they have a problem #to others but mostly to themselves #it’s not fair not fair not fair NOT fair

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@roach-works // Melissa Broder, "Problem Area" // Mary Oliver, "The Return" // @annavonsyfert // Koyoharu Gotouge, Demon Slayer // Haruki Murakami, Dance Dance Dance // David Levithan, How They Met and Other Stories // Tennessee Williams, Notebooks

#big and important

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no one ever warns you about this about adulthood but no one tells you how important surfaces become to you. like it's a perpetual struggle to get enough surfaces in your life and then in turn keeping those surfaces clean

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my father being a for real Farmer John will always be amazing and make up about 4% of my personality

why is corn named like graphics cards

#me

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jessczapalskipoetry

#big and important

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rb your fave track from each of the fearless, red, and speak now vaults

#we were happy #forever winter #i can see you #me

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spring!!! running more than the previous several months, gained weight and want to cry about it, tom is redoing his first year of medical school, less than a year til we get married, race this weekend and boni’s bach last weekend. can’t seem to pay off the final $500 bucks of my credit card debt. work is busy. fun full and tired

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Claude Monet, Edge of the Cliff at Pourville x I Saw Water, Tigers Jaw

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— Sylvia Plath, The Journals of Sylvia Plath

[text ID: Outside it is warm and blue and April.]

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when have i let myself be scared of something i wanted!!! when have i let myself settle!! why am i doing so now!! this isn’t how i want to feel and i am just letting myself wallow in apathy instead of pushing towards better things. i’m walking through northeastern’s push further and further into roxbury and thinking about the housing crisis and the orange line being shut down for an entire month concurrent with the neck of the green line. and i’m ready to work again in earnest, though i don’t know what that means or what that looks like. i want more ! i want more

#me #big and important

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Scene from a country road, early November.