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a September 17th extremely early morning blog
Its almost 2am. My best friend called me after she went to a party about an hour ago. Shes having a lot of fun, but it was really hard for me. I was in bed after a night of drinking alone and she has me on speaker with her roomates in the room and i just felt like she forgot i was even on the phone. I know she didnt mean any harm and it obviously wasnt intentional but just with my mental state right now it didnt help. If i got that same phone call like after dinner it wouldve been fine. Maybe. i dont know.
Im utterly isolated. I feel like ive lost everyone. I still have my best friend and i think i always will. But tonight for the first time ever, i got the slightest bit of doubt about that. Like she truly is starting to move on. Whats going to happen when im across the country for the year? I know we will always be close friends, but this is really hard for me. I know i'll make other friends, but i dont connect with people as easy as a lot of people do. People just dont really understand or try to understand me and how i function as a person.
I couldnt even get drunk tonight because i have a higher tolerence but as soon as i get buzzed i throw up and i cant help it.
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a September 16th blog
Hurricane Lee ended up being underwhelming compared to what they were saying. We, my sister and i, still ended up home most of the day. We ended up watching three movies: Shes the man, the boondock saints, and when harry met sally. Shes the man was kinda funny. The boondock saints is clearly a classic irish bostonian movie. Definitely an interesting concept, some outdated humor, but overall pretty interesting. When harry met sally was probably my favorite of the three. Its obviously a classic for a reason. Although by the end of the movie the obliviousness and pining made me want to rip my hair out.
Im feeling unfulfilled with life right now. I know its temporary, but watching everyone partying on the weekends while im at home sucks. I feel like everyone is moving on but i cant because im stuck here for almost another month. And don't get me started on moving. Im going to be busy which is good but im worried about the lack of freedom and support we are going to have.
I dont have much else to say right now but i had the time to update.
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a September 13th blog
A DEAD POETS SOCIET AU?!?! WITH A HAPPY ENDING?!! I must muster up the energy to read 70,000 words tonight. Not revealing the ship because you know what fanfiction, in my opinion, is a private and sacred thing. My ao3 is something that stays between me and god. In fact i just changed my username again because it is necessary to remain unpredictable (i am extremely predictable i have the same routine every day).
Today is day 1 of my period. You know when all of your emotions prior to getting your period feel like they become completely invalid the minute the first blood spills. That was a really over dramatic way to describe getting your period. I dont know why thats how i phrased that. Anyways, today sucked of course. I did my nannying, i did my walk even though i felt like i was being stabbed, i took a short nap, and i went to work.
Daycares are a hellscape. Toddlers are like miniature demons specifically created to be overstimulating assholes. Somehow four and a half hours felt like a full days work in that room. It used to be that there would be 1-2 asshole children that needed to be monitored closely while the others kind of did their thing. Those days are over. 2021-2022 babies are pure evil. I blame gentle parenting. It may work at home, but it does not work at the daycare. Not one, not two, NOT EVEN THREE, but four children were climbing on an already unstable bookshelf after all of them were told many times to get down. They literally laughed in my face when I scolded them. Im begging them to put me back in the infant room where they cant run or have attitude yet.
I forced my dad to watch Remedial Chaos Theory with me. I think he liked it. Also both of my Gen X parents know a good amount about Donald Glover which was surprising.
One more day of work this week and then its the weekend. Lets see if i get taken out by this hurricane :p
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a September 12th blog
Why do i only break out between my eyebrows. Like ive been better about washing my face everyday and using toner and moisturizer. Is it like stress acne? Probably.
Updates for the past few days: I visited my best friend at her college which is like an hour away. We got lunch with one of our other good friends which was really nice. I like her. I wish we were closer in high school. I feel like i missed out on a crucial period of time where i wouldve been more cemented into that group of people. We got dumpling and chatted about life. I am really missing out on the college lifestyle.
Ive been doing a pretty good job with keeping up with my walks which is nice, but it makes me exhausted. Im in this state of brain fog like 60% of the day. As someone with diagnosed OCD and as an anxious overthinker, it is extremely rare to have nothing going on up there.
I went to the dentist for the first time in a few years. I know thats like... gross, but time just gets away from me and it was tough enough getting through life without worrying about dentist appointments. But by some miracle, I dont have a single cavity. I was so sure i wouldve had a few. I like fully shut down during the appointment in order to not freak out. I barely spoke and my eyes just glazed over lol.
I went to the doctor today to talk about mental health stuff and decided not to try meds for the year. I dont think id be able to keep up with it while away and on projects. I did bring up the possibility of getting a med card after my gap year though and she seemed open to it. I think i pled my case decently even though i was anxious af at the time.
Also I started and finished season 5 of community and am working through season 6. I love Frankie. I think she is such an awesome character and i loove Paget.
I needed a milkshake today, so I got one.
How do people not start every sentence in personal writing with "I"?
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a September 7th night blog
Im trying to be consistent with this. I swear i am. Ive been so sleepy though. The past two/three nights ive been asleep before 9pm its crazy.
I think i discovered the trick to living a healthy lifestyle: be lonely and bored. All my friends are gone. Only my best friend reaches out to me one or twice a day. Ive got my morning job. Its really motivating as i have to wake up at 6:30 and then im done before 9am. I've had 3 days in a row of walks and a couple last week too. Im in my housewife era lol. I have been folding my laundry, cooking, cleaning, running errands, etc.
Since im done with my morning job so early, i decided to go back to my old parttime job for 3 days a week in the afternoons. I have been getting really bored by the time 2pm or 3pm rolls around so i decided, why not? Today was my first day back in a few months and it went pretty well but we closed early due to the heat.
Speaking of... why is it 95 degrees in september. Where was this weather in july? After it rained literally all summer. Its making my hot girl walks way harder.
Ive been watching so many steven universe video essays. I dont know why. I never fully finished the show even though id like to. I do think the finale is super cool. A lot of people misconstrue a ton of stuff in the video essays critiquing it tbh.
Oh, big moves were made today. I scheduled a dentist and doctor appointment for next week on Monday and Tuesday. I am nervous but trying not to think about it.
Tomorrow im going to bake!!
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a September 5th night blog
I love a good walk. Im trying to walk every weekday now. I go back to my parttime job on Thursday with a pay raise which is good. Sometimes im worried ive condemned myself to a life of childcare. Not that thats a bad thing, but its not where im planning for life to go.
Its hard being stuck in my hometown while everyone gets to be off at school. I scroll through instagram and get to see everyone partying and meeting people while im at home. Today was hard. I hate doing errands by myself. Typically i go with my best friend or one of my sisters, but thats not life anymore. I went to the mall alone on a Tuesday afternoon. It was weird. I got a pair of yoga pants so i dont chafe on my walks and a pair of green flare like pants because why not.
I went to honey dew donuts for a fun little drink. Fun little drinks are required for an errand run. Honey dew donuts is literally always a ghost town but i gotta say their strawberry lemonade was honestly fireee. It tasted like one of the strawberry acai starbucks drinks but $4 for a large instead of $8. "Im not like the other girls i go to honey dew donuts"
Should i get a slice of pizza for lunch tomorrow? Whenever my sisters go back to school, my parents never have anything good and easy in the fridge.
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a September 2nd bedtime blog
I dont have much to say tonight because im exhausted.
Best friend moved into college. Sad.
I hung out with my sister and her friends which was fun. I swam a lot and listened to a lot of PTV.
I keep being too tired for bedtime fanfic its so sad.
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a September 1st night blog
Today was a long interesting day that started at 6:30 by driving my sister to the train station for work. I came home, went for another 40 minute walk, and then showered. I was super excited to get to use my new headphones today and i like how they were kind of an outfit accessory too.
I got to drive into the city, which, oh my god city driving sucks. Especially with two dogs in the trunk. But i got to listen to my Three Cheers and Hot Fuss CDs which helped.
I picked up my sister and her best friend and we had a long but fun drive up to North. We got food and then ended the night by attempting to play a drinking game to Twilight, but unfortunately they took it off all streaming services which WTFFF... Anyways we ended up watching Mamma Mia which got cut short bc well sleepy.
And that leads us up to now. Not a lot to say for today, just a lot of driving. Im gonna end the night with some fanfic bedtime stories. Night Tumblr ;p
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an August 31st birthday blog
Somehow every time i turn a year older, i still manage to feel two years younger. I can't believe im not still 17. I hate that i only have one more year of being a teenage girl. I love being a teenage girl, its not something i want to leave in the past. But ill get back to you in a year about that one.
I overall had a reallly nice day. I did my first day of nannying which went well. It ended nice and early so i came home, went for a walk, got a bit dolled up (mascara, waterline eyeliner, and my sisters blink-182 shirt i stole lol), and got lunch with my best friend. She moves into school tomorrow. I dont really want to think about that right now. We will process that another day.
Anyways after lunch we went back to my house and baked apple pie cookies with the early season apples we picked the other day. They turned out pretty good but it took us almost three hours lol. But in our defense the pacing of the recipe on the blog was a bit hard to follow. Chill the dough, start the filling, oh then make the dough into balls and chill again, but wait you need to bake them and then put the filling in. It was a lot for two neurodivergent babes.
I had al my sisters home for one more day before they leave for school and my grandfather came as well. We had chicken parm, unfortunately not my dads but it was tasty local takeout. We did get to have some of the focaccia my dad made awhile ago. We got Wegmans cake because I like their frosting the best. Unpopular opinion, buttercream sucks. It feels illegal to say but its far too thick and sweet and almost always overpowers the cake. And of course, I cant eat any cake without ice cream.
I am getting a new phone tomorrow after having the same phone all of my high school years. It seemed like a necessity if im going to be moving across the country. My big sister got me my first pair of over the ear headphones which, for my sensory issues, was life changing.
Im exhausted and am ending the night with some Fleetwood Mac and blogging and then I'm going to bed. Good night tumblr :3
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an August 30th afternoon blog
I'm trying to become a person who wear slippers. Its not really working well for me. I keep forgetting that they exist and just end up in socks or bare feet. Right now i am in the slippers though and they're soft and comfy. Are you supposed to wear socks with slippers or is that a big no like socks and sandals?
I got a birthday card from my ex-aunt (who is more of an aunt than the woman who my uncle remarried). She has never missed a birthday. Its a beautiful card. The front is a somewhat abstract piece of art of a rocky forest. Theres a bare tree trunk at the center with a grow at the top. Inside it was originally one of those completely blank cards, but she filled all the empty space with writing. Its nice to know that people remember me.
My birthday is tomorrow. Ive never been less excited for a birthday than i am this year. Im dreading watching the people, or i guess i more the person, who i once considered close friends completely forget or just not care enough to acknowledge the day. But who knows? Maybe I'll be surprised. Although, im not sure that them remembering will make me feel much better. If they do reach out i dont think itll be with any sincerity and will only serve to make them feel like a better friend than they are and have been. I lose either way.
On the bright side, Ryan Ross still exists.
Ok, but in all seriousness i always look forward to family birthday dinners. I think we are doing my dads famous chicken parm.
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an August 30th early morning blog
Good morning. It is nearing 1 am and i am nowhere near sleep as i forgot to take my melatonin until 10 minutes ago. I've been told you cant become dependent on it. That has to be a lie.
It's been bad lately. I ran over a raccoon a few hours ago. It sent me into some sort of freak out and i could barely keep driving.
Everything sets me off lately. I knocked over a plant once and got upset. The second i finished sweeping up the spilt guts of the plant, i somehow managed to knock it over a second time. I nearly crumpled to the floor. I immediately burst into uncontrollable sobs to the point i couldnt breathe. What happened to the person who cried twice a year. The person who couldnt cry without giggling at themselves just a little bit because it just ended up feeling silly.
Nothing feels very silly anymore. Its because of change. Im not meant to live the life im being set up for. But I also am stubborn above all, so i have to commit to it. At least for a year to say i did it.
Its hard to put it all into words. Thats why im here i guess to prove that my feelings exist.
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