arthur-r

[arthur-r]

found!!!!!!!!

#can only find the screenshot not the original post. thank you for coming on this journey with me #me. my post. mine. #delete later

[arthur-r]

i like the things my programming textbook likes to say for explaining the concepts

#this is why i’m thinking about it by the way shdhdf

[arthur-r]

does anybody have the poem about the attack dog on the leash and how it’s a fake idea that the dog and the owner are clinging to the security of chains that wouldn’t be able to hold the dog in?? or something

#i think it might be in the post about objectification in a weapon way #like being somebody’s sword or being somebody’s attack dog and i just cannot find it back #or remember whether they’re even in the same post shdhdhdf #anyway i hope everybody is doing well 💛 #me. my post. mine. #delete later

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unfortunate set of notifications

#(this is talking about saturday not friday it says tomorrow cause it just turned midnight) #i got really sick and anxious today and i didn’t know why but my mom blames my birthday #so wish me luck 👍 i’m gonna be eighteen years old #(for anybody who doesn’t know i don’t TEND to celebrate my april birthday i do my october birthday instead #but saturday is the one where i actually turn eighteen.) #i will actually be having a sleepover on friday night though which isn’t about my birthday but will coincide #but other than that i’m just working a lot. and taking a test. and it will be whatever #idk wish me luck. i am just feeling sick and strange and weird but i’ll figure it out #IN THEORY I AM EXCITED FOR MY BIRTHDAY #like i don’t want it to be this sad evil day that i hate. and it’s not #it’s just so much worse to have a bad day when it’s your birthday. and i often have bad days. so that’s all that the problem is #so whatever. i will hopefully have a good day that day and then it will be a good day. i just like to have a failsafe so it doesn’t have to #count as my birthday if it doesn’t go good. like yeah it’s my birthday but no it isn’t. not until i say it is #idk i don’t make the rules except for i do. ANYWAY goodnight #me. my post. mine. #delete later

[arthur-r]

heading to the open mic!! wish me luck!!

#i look ridiculous walking around with a ukulele #but it will be worth it #also 75% chance i’m gonna pass my ex cause his club just let out in the building i’m headed for #so WISH. ME. LUCK. #me. my post. mine. #delete later

[arthur-r]

DONE WITH PROGRAMMING now i just have other different programming tasks. but i’m done with a little piece of it. and i’m gonna say that’s important and good

#now i need to make a program for reading and writing to files it’s gonna be another recipe program #man i want to live in chicago. stupid ex was supposed to take me there but here we are #anyway the recipe reader program will be due tomorrow night at 10pm #i’m also going to a research symposium tomorrow night whatever that looks like #ok. i have my test tomorrow too. and then my presentation on friday. and my other test on saturday #and i will make it through. right now i’m gonna have some water and freshen up. and that will be good #I TOLD YOU IT WOULD HAPPEN AGAIN. assignments on dash. i’m processing #also: never awake by alex vile #anyway good luck for everybody we are making it through #me. my post. mine. #delete later

[arthur-r]

i like the things my programming textbook likes to say for explaining the concepts

#thank you programming textbook. i think you’re wrong #shdhdf right above this is: pear does not have a fruit nor does fruit have a pear. which is a bit less poetic #ANYWAY DONT MIND ME. IM GONNA DO MORE HOMEWORK #i think a dog is a kind of owner. i think an owner is a kind of dog #ok goodnight #me. my post. mine. #delete later

[arthur-r]

things about today (some good some bad)

i’m doing an open mic which i’m excited for but also nervous for, but mostly excited. four college friends will be coming to see me!!!! which makes me sort of nervous, but also sort of excited. those are the two emotions shdhdf. i’m going to play “good boy!” (my dog song) and “overloaded” (my autistically traumatized song) because those are the ones that my little sister said i should pick. and she made a good decision. anyway i’m a bit anxious about it but it should be good.

my ten page paper? IT’S DOUBLE SPACED. which means what i thought was not even half done, is basically finished. there’s still a lot to add, but everything is gonna be okay. i can finally go to sleep before 1 tonight!!!!

i have programming homework to do which feels stupid and stressful and unnecessary. i’m ready to be done with this class. i don’t want to never use my java knowledge again, but i also don’t want to be in school for it anymore!! which means i’ll never really have a good enough grasp on it to use it again.

i feel sick maybe?? i can’t really tell, i showered today and i didn’t sleep well last night and i walked home from class instead of taking the bus, so it makes sense to not be feeling well. but i’m nervous of if it lasts.

i’m moving out really soon now. i’m turning eighteen really soon now!!!! i’m taking a lot of finals really soon now. there’s a lot going on. but there’s thirteen days left before we move out from school (according to somebody else i didn’t fact check her and we might be leaving on different days) and that’s not a lot of days. and i’m turning eighteen on saturday. which means i have a meeting for testosterone on tuesday!!!! and i have a lot of papers and projects to do in the meantime.

i have one presentation that i haven’t started on even a little bit. which is the first thing to turn in as part of a whole entire research project that i haven’t started on even a little bit. i just haven’t researched it at all. there’s still time to turn around and say it’s about peter mark roget but i’m not gonna. cause that would be cheating and it would be harder in the long run cause i’d care too much about making it good. so i’m doing a stupid project about a binder full of asexual awareness and culture that they have at my school’s queer people center, that nobody knows about and i’m one of the only people who has read it, and my teacher will think that’s so compelling and interesting and it won’t matter that i have no information about its history because material culture is a mysterious field where you don’t actually need to know anything if you don’t want to. history is optional i just need to look at it.

i still have a really awful stomachache. i don’t want to be done with school because i love it a lot, but i also want to be done with school because it makes me anxious and sick and buried in tasks and i’m so tired. but i’m going to be so upset to go home too. but i’ll have more time to actually be around and talk to my friends, and that’s gonna be really good.

i’m worried about my little sister, and i don’t know how to help her. and i shouldn’t share a lot of details in actual public, even though just my friends are gonna see this. but she’s been acting out in actually really scary ways and i’m worried for what she’s going through. so it will be good to be home and be able to really talk to her. and i miss her.

i just have this awful chest pain and the feeling that i call there-is-nothing-behind-these-eyes. sleeping will help i hope. it’s making it difficult to get my programming homework done. i have an hour before i have to leave for the open mic, i can do this.

also here are my assignments left: regular programming homework due tonight, latin test tomorrow morning, programming big scary lab due tomorrow night, material culture presentation on friday (and i have work), programming test on saturday (which is also my birthday and i also have work), then a little break from deadlines (there’s normal homework but i don’t feel like counting it, and also more work) and then material culture paper due friday the 3rd (when all my classes will finish also, and also i have work), latin final that sunday, programming final on monday, my mom gets here on monday (after i have work) and we pack up and everything and then i go home on tuesday. and then on that friday my most important of all of my final will be due my history research paper. turned in online. then i will have no school until sometime in june i think!!!! and that will just be online too.

anyway i have a stomachache and my brain hurts but everything will be fine. i’m making it through. i’m finishing my programming, and i’m going to an open mic, and i’m coming home and i’m going to sleep. and tomorrow i’ll start my research due friday. and that’s fine and normal and i’ll be fine.

sorry for just throwing words around, i hope everybody is doing well. i’m gonna try drinking water and maybe that will fix me. and i’ll be around again later maybe. i’m gonna make it through this school year!!!! and i’m gonna sleep for a really long time.

#sorry for listing homework on dash it will happen again 😞 #that’s exactly how i feel rn: 😞 #i need to sleep so bad. WISH ME LUCK. i will make it through this school year #i hope everybody is doing well. lmk if you need anything. i’ll probably be absent from like 6-9 central though #but i should be around before and after!! and text me whenever and i can get back to you of course #and ANYWAY i hope everybody has a good night. and i am sending love 💛🐻🍁 #me. my post. mine. #delete later

[arthur-r]

#comfort tag

[arthur-r]

these are all piled together in the same part of my brain and i’m so obsessed with it

#IM SORRY FOR POSTING JUKEBOX THE GHOST UNDER MY SKIN LIKE ITS FINE ART #BUT MAYBE IT IS. MAYBE IT IS #actually. im sorry for posting POOLBOY KING OF COOL as if it were fine art HELLO #a minute earlier: when you go leave me my baseball glove…. some cigarettes…. and a playboy…. that’s all i really want…. #five seconds later: cause i will.. give you asthma…. every time you try to run…. so don’t run….. #BUT have you ever been trapped for the next nine months with your dick in your hand EATING ARTERIES FOR LUNCH. no i dont think so #anywayyyy #these are um. ok so in order it’s: #i.b. vyache — a poem called victim complex. from the book conversations over sanguinnaccio dolce #minimall — static!! one of the coolest best songs ever in the world and i love it very much #poolboy — king of cool it’s such a strange and bad song but it’s also so visceral and i love it so much #and last but not least jukebox the ghost under my skin #when i was really into that song like four years ago my mom thought that he was singing about PICKLES #i can fit two pickles under my skin!! i will prove it if you will listen!!!! #shdhdf anyway something something consumption devotion something something being a home being a hearth being an ORGAN being a VESSEL #not to run a dead joke into the ground but it keeps being so TRUE: i am a HOUSE FUCKER i swear #anyway there are definitely more of these like on my pinterest probably but these are the ones i had off the top of my head shdhdf #could somebody climb around in here and join me ‼️ #anyway. i hope everybody is doing well. i have ANOTHER advisor appointment today (information science this time!!) and i’m also so tired #OH and i have a ten page paper to write by sunday…. but it’s chill and normal i got this 👍 #anyway i hope everybody is doing well lmk if you need anything!!!! #with best wishes and kind regards sincerely yours!!!! #me. my post. mine. #delete later

[arthur-r]

what’s really embarrassing is my roommate on the phone with his mom saying “yeah i’ve been getting really sloppy i haven’t cleaned in a week it’s terrible” and my side of the room is just like that. all of the time. and i feel guilty but he also hasn’t ever said anything to my face he moved my stuff some at the beginning of the year but has never talked to me about it and i’m also so fucking ill that i just cant really handle adding that to my list while trying to also not fail school. so here i am being a terrible person i guess. did i tell you guys about turtle-person. have i showed my bracelets. i’m gonna go to sleep but in the morning i need to show my bracelets

#help i have work tomorrow. i also feel sick and strange. wish me luck #the sun was around today which was incredible but also i think it gave me too much mental energy #cause for the first time in forever i had the brightness of spirit to go for a walk. but that’s not the same as having the blood flow for it #so i think i overexerted myself cause of being finally happy and mentally energized i forgot about being physically disabled #i also had to explain POTS to somebody today and she was literally like ‘oh is that the thing where you need to have salt’ and NO like #i do have a really high salt intake to cope with POTS. but that’s not the fucking thing yknow?? like no that’s not what the thing i have is #it has nothing to do with salt. salt is a fun little coincidence that it can help with water retention which in turn helps with POTS #and it raises blood pressure is i think the other reason? but anyway idk i would honestly rather she just not know about it than have like #that very particular tiktok version of it like i am so glad for internet knowledge being spread and stuff and i mean. i guess even the posts #that i’m about to complain about are good for making people feel like they’re not alone. so maybe it’s fine. but i was going to complain of #the videos that are like ‘‘that one POTS friend’’ and it’s just like. salty food. instead of like. having to sit down?? BEING FATIGUED?? #and like whatever. whatEVER but i wish it wasn’t getting conflated with one particular little way of treating it. even though i use that way #i don’t have needs-a-lot-of-salt-disease. like that’s not the point. that’s not the issue. it’s not a salt deficiency. salt just helps #and it doesn’t FIX it. it just helps. that’s all #ANYWAY EVERYTHING IS FINE. i feel sick though. but i’m gonna sleep and i’ll be fine #i miss before i had a job cause then i could sleep all day if i skipped class and it would be really nice. but now i have a job i would be #missing on my responsibilities for. and I don’t actually have accommodations. but im gonna sleep i’ll be fine #and library book cart is actually so rollator. like as far as being able to walk the library situation is such a win #anyway i’m gonna go to sleep now. but yeah idk i’m sick and a mess what else is new. but i have something whatever i’m good theres something #unrequited love for life or something like that. ok im gonna go to bed sorry for being weird and strange all the time!!!! #me. my post. mine. #delete later

[arthur-r]

turns out im down bad actually?? (have started comparing her to the moon)

#INSTINCTIVELY #like i was just thinking damn the moon is beautiful it’s ethereal and gorgeous just like [REDACTED] #had to stop myself and be like OH #anyway we had a sleepover last night we had a great time. i’m not gonna ever date her that would mess things up. but good to know how i feel #shdhddf anyway i’m in a weird position now i’m with some people who i felt like i should come hangout to be friendly but they’re just doing #homework and i left mine at home to be social but like i would really rather be in my bed rn i thought we were like hanging out for real #i’m so hungry though i might have that be my thing. sorry guys gotta go eat 😔 nothing to be done #also watched the most incredible lesbian movie yesterday it ruined itself with the ending but it was so iconic i really enjoyed it #it’s called kissing jessica stein!! and i highly recommend it. it’s a product of its time as far as bisexuality goes #but it was really close to being the best movie in the world minus like two scenes shdhdf #anyway wish me luck. love 💛 #me. my post. mine. #delete later

[arthur-r]

ALSO okay i’m sorry i’m being such a mess i’m in a weird combination of like anxious mania and also genuine delight from being out in the sunlight but ALSO crushing fatigue from being out in the sunlight and to top it all off i’m heavily procrastinating a ten page research paper i have to write. BUT if anyone wants to befriend me on an astrology social media (a very compelling offer i know shdhdf. i’m so sorry cause i’m secretly a horoscope lover like i have only been getting through it lately because of what the stars are purportedly promising to me) there’s this app it’s called costar and it makes like group horoscopes for you and your friends and it gives you a personal daily outlook too and it’s just kind of my favorite thing. so if anyone wants to put blind faith in an algorithmically calculated star chart. i know i’m selling it so well. it’s just kind of my favorite and i would love to have my friends on there if anybody is down. cause i swear it’s like. actually genius and so reassuring at times. i don’t have the energy to make my own meaning lately so i’ve been outsourcing it and it’s been working out great actually

#this is an AWFUL ad for costar but please. be my astrology friend i’ll love you forever #anyways i need to write my paper!!!! setting my dorm building on fire #ANYWAY i’m so here. i’m right here if anybody needs anything. sending love 💛 #me. my post. mine. #delete later #ask to tag #OH text me if you get costar and i’ll friend you!!!! would genuinely be so happy and excited #ok anyway!!!! i have to pretend to be responsible or something #wish me luck 🤧

[arthur-r]

also this. what if we stop spinning and what if we’re just flat and what if jesus himself ate my fucking snatch? and what if i’m an angel!! and what if i’m a bore!!!! and what if i was confident would you just hate me more????

lyrics: i went and walked myself like a dog without a leash / now i’m growling at a stranger, i am biting at their knees / if i wanted it, you really think i’d wait for the permission / for protection and assurances that all would be delivered / like our fathers did, our mothers did, and them and those before / you say you want a difference, your honor to be yours / like our fathers did, our mothers did, and them and those before / the echo and a retell of some shit we heard before / and what if we stop spinning, and what if we’re just flat / and what if jesus himself ate my fucking snatch / and what if i’m an angel, and what if i’m a bore / and what if i was confident, would you just hate me more!!!! / oh, i’ve got heaven inside of me / and oh, i’m an angel, i was sent here to keep you company / i’m on an endless march of nothingness with breath inside my chest / and the promise of a life that you deserved, that you thought best / i’m stuck inside my loneliness, i’m stuck inside my grief / i wish i could have been there to save you from the reach / i am spiteful like a god, take out vengeance like the rest / for what they did to you, i will never lay to rest / it’s raw and unrelenting, it is absolute regression / it is vileness wrapped up and disguised as happy endings / oh, i’ve got heaven inside of me / and oh, i’m an angel, i was sent here to keep you company / i’m stuck inside my loneliness, i’m stuck inside my grief / i wish i could have been there to save you from the reach / i am spiteful like a god, take out vengeance like the rest / for what they did to you, i will never lay to rest / i go and walk myself outside, a dog without a leash / now i’m growling at a stranger, i am biting at their knees!!!!

#sorry no full lyrics for this one maybe i’ll write it out later but the important part is right there #also i went and walked myself like a dog without a leash now i’m growling at a stranger i am biting at their knees 🐶 #shdhdf i’m listening to a playlist called ‘‘songs i have been obsessed with in college’’ #so as you might expect. i’m kind of obsessed with all of the music coming on rn #me. my post. mine. #delete later #music #OK i gave it real lyrics. don’t mind me shdhdf i don’t at all understand my philosophy of tumblr #i just need words that matter to me to be in places. even though i’m usually the only person to look at them

[arthur-r]

lyrics: all my mistakes are a work of art / love letters aimed straight for the heart / should i let them / teach me how to fall apart / it gets better when you get on top and show me how it works / i could never be your kind of flirt / tell me that you’re falling out of love / cause i could never be your kind of drug / love me til the morning cause it hurts to be the one that’s headed for the / curb your appetite and drink your tea with herbs / helps if you just believe it does / tell me all your secrets and i’ll leave you in the morning / help me fight my demons and i’ll love you without warning / sick of sitting pretty in my pearls / thinking i could ever be your girl / do you even notice when i’m gone? / the thought of you, it keeps me up til dawn / waiting, wishing, wanting for your love / but don’t think i could ever be enough / to satisfy your raging taste for blood / but maybe that’s just the way we love / tell me all your secrets and i’ll leave you in the morning / help me fight my demons and i’ll love you without warning / i’ve been waiting so long for someone like you to come / i thought i’d found the answer to all of my lonely nights / coming down, have i reached the ground?have i reached the ground? have i reached the ground?

i’m obsessed with this song rn listening to it on repeat so just thought i’d share

#i hate how you have to like. live through things and learn from them like why can’t i just know everything already #cannot handle experiencing the blunders and pains of life like shouldn’t i be fucking past that by seventeen 🤧 #are you telling me there’s decades more to live. and i have to just keep experiencing uncomfortable situations and learning the red flags #i literally just want to be done experiencing things already. ANYWAY i’m obsessed with this song. and reblogging it again cause it’s so real #delete later

[arthur-r]

actually so relieved to run into this weird vent art from like a week before my partner broke up with me and remember how i was actually profoundly unhappy when we were together. like i literally would have broken up with him within the next couple weeks probably. all it would have changed if he hadn’t broke up with me would be that a valentine’s day together would be a lasting painful memory. whereas our relationship is nearly managing to comfortably fade into background noise.

#this art is weird which is why i never posted it shdhdf but i figure it goes along with self-actualization/the silly stupid angel song #i remember the same time i drew this i had drawn a monster based off my now-ex (it’s in a notebook somewhere) #and i just kept drawing and giving it more evil attributes and thinking why am i doing this it’s supposed to be my partner #but like. my subconscious fucking knew. he was basically a demon feeding on my life force #anyway i’m a fan of the bloody keyhole in my chest cause that’s so real #i love when i write or draw something and then like. months later i finally get to the realization that i subconsciously clearly highlighte #like yeah he’s demanding symmetry from me (golden ratio) and fucking clawing to get to my secrets (keyhole) and expecting me to be this #idealized and appealing figure but also refusing to give me any actual affection in response like i’m just a fucking statue to stare at #and then idk i’m bleeding golden blood because WHY NOT shdhdf maybe there’s symbolism i figure out later but i think that part’s just rad #oh and of course a halo like from THAT ONE GUY WHAT IS HIS NAME paintings #i want to say like giorgio but that’s not right. WHO IS THE GUY WHO PAINTS THE GOLD HALOS #GIOTTO i looked it up it’s my best friend giotto!!!! i can’t believe i turned my back on him…. forgot his name…. anyway i love his halos #and i was halfheartedly emulating that while i was drawing shdhdf. so anyway that’s the story of this whole thing #but no it’s so good to notice that actually i was discontented and needed to break out of the pattern. cause like i don’t think i fully #understood that i’m ALLOWED to end something i’m not happy with. so even though i deserved to i wouldn’t have done it. so it’s a lesson now #i’m aware that it’s something i’m able to do and something that i should have done. and i’ll do it earlier next time. ANYWAY sorry for this #ex talk #vent cw #i’m so normal i promise. i’m actually getting really normal about it genuinely though. basically fine kinda sorta almost. shdhdhdf #anyway i hope everybody is doing well. sorry for just throwing stuff around every once in a while and being otherwise absent #lmk if you need anything anytime!!!! love and light /gen #me. my post. mine. #delete later #ask to tag

[arthur-r]

also idk what it is about historical societies and bright blue branding but hello is there no way to pursue my career path without having to wear a lanyard in colors that make me viscerally uncomfortable. hello!!!!!!!!!

#darn historical societies not specifically considering warm-color-autistics when they make their calm and approachable branding choices #have you considered that i personally would not like this. jeez #anywayyyy i just got off work and I’m gonna eat dinner and stuff. lunch sort of. slept til noon so it’s all out of whack #anyway i hope everybody is doing well!! lmk if you need anything!!!! #ALSO tumblr is guilty of this too. get your bright blue OUT OF MY FACE. SHUT UP #but i persevere. i persevere. everything will be okay #me. my post. mine. #delete later