bottled-passions

[bottled-passions]

My brother lost his best friend in a car crash today. This is the second time in 5 years this has happened and I don’t know how to help him any better than I did last time. I didn’t know him well, I’d only met him maybe three or four times, but I knew how close they were. I know that this man was going to be the best man in my brothers wedding some day. I knew that he introduced my brother to hobbies and places that made him happy. I know he’s the reason my brother made it through college. I know he had wild adventures and lived life with all the freedom that I could never imagine. I know he was exuberant and excited and never said no to crazy adventures and ludicrous ideas.

I know he was an only child. I know his parents are devastated and that their first call was to my brother because they didn’t know if their son had wanted to be an organ donor.

I know he should have lived a long, long life and I know he was loved by so many.

But I didn’t know him. And I don’t know what to do now. I feel lost. I would move mountains for my brother if I thought it would help but in the face of this there is nothing I can do. There is no mountain I can move that will bring him back or make this any less painful. I have nothing to offer and it is the worst feeling.

#grief #grief support #feeling helpless

[bottled-passions]

I want to enjoy Pride but really it just makes me feel more lonely than I did before.

#personal #pride

[bottled-passions]

I lost an old friend to suicide this weekend. We hadn’t been close in years but she was a huge part of my childhood. We’d known each other since we were 4. We had a complicated relationship. She was my best friend but I wasn’t hers and that was hard for me to reconcile with for a while.

We grew up, we grew apart, and while I missed her, I thought I just didn’t belong in the life she was building now. And I probably didn’t.

But her death hit me hard and I’m playing through a lot of what ifs in my head right now. She still meant a lot to me even if we mostly just followed each other on social media these days. I love her still for the person she was to me all those years ago but I didn’t honestly know the person she became beyond what she put online.

There are many thoughts going through my head today. Of her, of the people who knew us both, of the friends I wish I had kept in touch with. I don’t know what I’m going to do with all of this. I don’t know where to go from here.

I loved her. And I miss her more today than I did yesterday.

#personal #death cw #tw suicide #grief

[bottled-passions]

Please help this escape containment I'm really interested in the results!!

[bottled-passions]

i’m doing research reblog this and tell me if you want kids or not

#only if I had a community to help me. #I’m not just talking about a partner #I need a village

[bottled-passions]

Reblog to have something lgbt happen to you this summer

[bottled-passions]

#7+8=15 -> 1+2+4=7 -> 75

[bottled-passions]

so I got into grad school today with my shitty 2.8 gpa and the moral of the story is reblog those good luck posts for the love of god

#get me out of here

[bottled-passions]

we just had the biggest COVID spike so far, we’re reaching ONE MILLION deaths in the US, and mask mandates are disappearing and people are telling me it’s all ending and going back to normal, i feel fucking insane. i can’t handle this. i’m going to have a fucking break.

it’s not even that i’m afraid of covid (or death, or long covid, or spreading it to my elderly parents), it’s that i genuinely feel out of my fucking skull because everyone else seems to be operating on another plane of reality where wishes make things real. my dad today just told me to have sympathy because people are “exhausted” like it’s such a fucking hassle to wear a MASK??? A MASK???

#I’m one of a few people at work who still wears a mask religiously #and I am constantly having to argue with my coworkers over the fact that this isn’t fucking over cause they want it to be #trying really hard not to get into a COVID rant #please keep wearing masks you guys

[bottled-passions]

[bottled-passions]

I don’t trust you

You say you support me, my sisters, my brothers

Turn around, throw money at the woman who hates us

She’d call me and my brothers confused, stupid, lost

Claim my sisters are rapists, predators, the lot

You know this. You say you don’t like her anymore

But not buying merch, that’s too much to ask for

Can’t resist the anniversary edition

Or the new netflix special

Can’t stop talking about all this shit in my presence

Like it’s fine, like there’s no elephant in the room

It’s too much to ask that you just don’t consume

Her work,her words, her will, her war

Just gotta know every tiny bit of new lore.

[bottled-passions]

"Nobody wants to work anymore!!!! >:("

So far, jobs I've applied to have lied to me about:

- where the job was. The posting listed a town a few minutes away from me, but the interviewer said I needed to commute to NYC 5 days a week, an hour plus for me.

- remote options. They promise remote work until the interview, when they tell you remote is no longer supported.

-the hours. A number have listed full time only to tell me they could only offer part time, but the worst offended told me I could only have 8hrs a week

- how much the job paid. Posting promised 20$hr, the interviewer said it was minimum wage, 12$ in NJ.

- that the job was paid at all. It listed something like 50k a year at the top, but reading the job description, revealed it was an unpaid internship

- the job itself. I applied for a graphic design position, but during the interview they told me that I had to work as a door to door salesman for their product for a year before I could be "promoted" into the job I actually applied for.

-hiding the fact that that it was a military job and that you have to enlist. Nope nope nope.

I dont know how much of it is employers just don't know how to use job posting websites properly (like the guy in South Africa who listed his location in nj) but I think if you post the pertinent information people are looking for and then contradict it later, you make it clear you don't respect the people you need to hire

#let’s talk about jobs that require two college degrees 5 years of experience and don’t pay enough to cover cost of living #or better yet the publicly posted jobs that reply with sorry we’re only looking at internal candidates but didn’t bother to list that fact #or the ones that stick you in never ending interview cycles that you can’t actually afford #oh or the one that was advertised as full time w benefits but was actually contracted for just under the number of hours to be eligible #just enough that getting a second job wasn’t really feasible but not enough to live off #I’m so tired of job hunting. I just want to be able to afford my apartment and some food without completely selling my soul

[bottled-passions]

#please. #dear god what I would give for less interesting times

[bottled-passions]

And a kicking shetland pony! :)

[bottled-passions]

[bottled-passions]

Today is hard for a lot of people.

For me, this is my first clear memory. The first thing I remember with complete certainty is an image of the towers on the television. I can still quote, word for word, the way my mother tried to explain it to me. I remember trying to get a hold of family in NYC for hours and hours and falling asleep before we did. I remember we all stayed home that day and it seemed to drag on forever.

And I remember the fear. Seeping into everything we did and said. I remember tears from people I had never seen cry and never have again.

I remember that day in moments, clear and unchanged after 20 years. I know so much changed that day. But I don’t remember what came before. This is where my life starts.

I can’t forget. It’s the only world I’ve ever really known.

#9/11 #remember 9/11

[bottled-passions]

It’s monsoon season here. When the desert turns green and the mountains are hidden behind clouds. Where the lightning streaks through the night and water pours through canyons and turns sand into mud. When thunder sings me to sleep at night and the sun streaks through fog in the morning. There is nothing more beautiful in the world.

#monsoon season #desert living