by-zhi

[by-zhi]

I don't forget your birthday

or the last four digits of your phone number

I do forget why we stopped talking

Why it's hard to see you face-to-face

I wonder what happened after the last conversation we had

or after October 13th

And I wonder why I remember you at all

but forget everything else

[by-zhi]

Empathy

I am at the age of where someone would make a 'big decision' in life. Some have career, some have marriage. I have neither of those and I think my parents are low-key... worried about me. My dad, who doesn't seem to care, asked me one day when do I want to get married. To be very honest there are more reasons for me to not marry at the moment.

I don't even have a boyfriend, nor actively looking for one.

I don't think I am stable enough to be in a relationship but if someone would try with me I'd appreciate that.

I don't have enough empathy to live with someone and care for them or another living being. This is after looking at my mum for years. She's a wonderwoman. She does everything as a wife, mother, and daughter. After years seeing my mum doing it, I don't feel like I want to do that.

I don't think I'm going to live long enough.

So yeah. I just basically have a low will to live and adding one person to take care of feels like a lot of work. But that's how I think of it today. Maybe the universe will change my mind tomorrow.

#journaling #writing #blogging #written by zhi

[by-zhi]

Birthday

Two weeks before my birthday my sis was sick. She had fever for several days but the lab result was just fine. Even until today she's on and off but we never really know why. I guess it's just the 2022 illness.

Then I, too, got sick. Similar symptoms with my sis and we both had PCR test which came back negative. It was the sickest I've been in two years. I couldn't even eat and keep vomiting what I ate. My lab result tho, was super bad nothing was normal except for my hemoglobin. Then I took the dengue test which showed I had it. Since my condition was so bad my parents took me to the hospital and I was hospitalized for a couple of nights. I soon felt better and was discharged.

I didn't get back to how I was, even today. I lost quite some weight (fyi I was already underweight before, I am now way more underweight) which I think cause me to feel tired and weak all the time. My hands were shaky everytime I try to lift them. The doctor encourage me to eat a lot, she even gave me supplements and vitamins to increase my appetite. Oh, my liver kinda got problem so I need to fix my eating habit. ALSO I haven't drunk coffee in like two weeks. My wrists and ankle feel crunchy (idk how to describe it, it hurts when I move and stretch them to some extent).

I was discharged a few days before my birthday. On my birthday I had to go see the doc and it took a whole freakin day. By the time I got home I was too exhausted to do anything. Also everyone got sick eventually. But, on the next day my friends sent me food (they're really sweet) tho I couldn't really eat them. They didn't know the problem with my liver that's why. But since they were generous enough to sent me those and I don't want them to go to waste so I ate some of them slowly (lol).

I also ordered a cake bcs I wanted it to still feel like a birthday whatsoever. I actually didn't care about the design but since I'm ordering I just picked the first thing came to mind; a carat cake (lol). Really appreciate the cake shop for taking my order last minute. I ordered at 9 pm on the 10th to have it on the 11th. It came pretty well.

I am now (trying to) eating a lot of food and by a lot it's in the frequency I didn't have before. I really need to get at least back to my previous weight and gain some more after that. I also need to finish my thesis, which I'm struggling to find the motivation to.

As I'm writing this I kinda feel not-so-good. Idk, everyone's sick and I'm trying to recover. It's been hard in this household, especially for mum who looks after literally everyone. I think it's a karma for me. I hope to recover soon and get back going.

#written by zhi #journaling #writing #blogging

[by-zhi]

Alone

As i walked down the street, people are walking in groups or pairs. Laughing while walking, stopping once in a while to take each others' picture.

As I arrived at the cafe, most of the tables were taken. The only spot left was a coffee table with four living chairs around it. I sat down thinking 'Oh, well'.

Not long after, a couple came in and looked for a table. No bigger table was vacant. They were pointing at my direction but soon realized the table was taken. 'Dang, this table would've been better for the two of them than me alone'.

I am someone who'd choose going alone for the sake of practicality but this is one of those rare moments where I'd feel lonely (lol)

Most of the time I'd go hang out alone just because I can decide everything without the need to be considerate of others. But sometimes I wish I have someone I can talk to and laugh with.

#journaling #writing #written by zhi

[by-zhi]

Pasta

Pasta has a special place in my heart. I don't know how I developed this much love for pasta, I've never eaten an original (the actual Italian pasta) one. Nor those with fancy truffle. I think I just find it very easy to make and adjustable. You can make it dry or saucy. White sauce or red sauce. So many ways!

Recently, I (as in mom, the house financial decision maker) switch to gluten-free pasta. I made them the usual way and it's just not the same (lol). I really want to like gluten-free pasta since I feel like it'd benefit me in the long run but honestly, it's hard to love. I tried dry, with cream sauce (haven't tried the reds), with cheese, with meat but it still doesn't taste as good as gluten.

Oh, whatever. I'll find a way.

#journaling #food blog #writing #blogging

[by-zhi]

2022

I think I first started Tumblr 11 years ago, I was, like, 12. Now I'm 23, starting Tumblr again. Wow.

Yea but the reason I started blogging again is because of the project I have right now. I do some blog writing so it kind of throws me back to early 2010s when I used to write. As I remember it now, writing makes me feel good somehow. Also it'd be a great way to help my brain. They say journaling would be good for your mind.

Anyway, hi, internet space. I made this blog to help me declutter my mind and channel my emotion. The psych said I need to talk to people but I guess this could be a good start.

So I started the year with going to the hospital, not for me, tho. My grandpa had a surgery so we all (as in 3 generations of the family) had to come. Honestly I don't know why everyone should come I mean most of us did nothing but wait for the time to pass. BUT, I discovered a new coffee shop so that's the gain for me. The place was nice, love the vibe, would definitely visit again. The filtered coffee was right up my alley and the cookie was nice. I came here twice, two days in a row and realized how much money I spent *sobs*.

Also, I had a toothache for like a week which later I (actually the dentist) found out my lower left pre-molar had cracked thus causing such pain. The dentist told me the tooth was in a position that it's the only one that has impact with the upper teeth. My teeth is in a bad shape and structure overall, it always has so there might be still more problems to come.

I am currently writing my thesis proposal and I should be writing right now BUT I have no drive to do it. I will have to submit it in, like, two weeks so pray for me.

Also I received my time capsule e-mail from Jan 1 last year. 2020 was not pretty even for me. 2021 was not either but whatever, I guess. I don't have the will anymore but I'll save that story for later.

So, yeah. I guess that's the first post. Not a very festive starter I know. But, meh, this is a free space.

#written by zhi #blogging #writing #journaling