cheekycherry20

[cheekycherry20]

My eating habits have been all over the place lately. I’ve gotten myself out of restricting, but binging is pretty hard/ I’ve started working out and doing yoga/ meditations regularly, but that’s all for self image and not “for what’s inside”. It sounds bad because it is. I feel masculine between not having my head in protective style (a TERRIBLE outdated idea of black women and their hair, it’s still something that I need to track myself) and the extra pounds, I can’t win!

My financial insecurity’s are getting me as well. I WANT so many things, it’s all I think about. “Their hair is cute, how much did it cost”, “I can’t wait to get money for this”, blah blah blah. I’m truly grateful for where I’m at in my life right now, I’m completely shocked I’m still attempting to survival, it’s just a draining mindset. It feels gluttonous. Can’t get enough food, can’t get enough of material items.

Financial insecurities strayed out in middle school, but has only got teen worse as an adult. I feel like I’m seeing people my age, doing so many costly things, I’m missing out. I’m only 22 once, o want to make stupid decisions with my peers.

[cheekycherry20]

Present me: “I know what it’s like to feel… different.”

Little me: “I’m not different…. Am I?”

[cheekycherry20]

I try and try but I’m bad at communicating. I ruined a friendship because I worded something wrong. I sounded entirely selfish, and although I apologized, I can’t blame him for leaving. I spent so much time crying to the universe how much I love him and how I don’t want him to leave, I forgot that it’s always ME who ruins things.

[cheekycherry20]

Having adhd is so weird. It affects how your ENTIRE brain works. Imagine doing anything, people with adhd have an entire different way of doing it. My biggest hurdle is communicating and socializing.

I’ve always felt different, but one day it hit me in 1st grade. Imagine being 6 and moving at a different pace than your peers. Now imagine being labeled as a “problem child that can’t pay attention and talks too much”. Never being able to do anything right. I couldn’t go to anyone about anything, because once again. I couldn’t communicate it. I would steal, or be loud, cry, be mean to my sisters (I beat myself up over this daily, I wish I was better), or be completely in my own world. That’s how I communicated.

Of course no one could translate how I felt. So I carried that loneliness with me. I’m stuck in the past waiting for someone to to notice me. Of course my adult self can comfort younger me, but apparently it’s not enough.

I want so badly to sit with someone and talk to them about being different and them UNDERSTANDING. But no one does. It’s hard to get. I wouldn’t wish adhd on my worst enemy.

[cheekycherry20]

I don’t want to go forward yet, I want someone to be nice to my inner child.

[cheekycherry20]

Whenever I figure something out about myself that wasn’t taught to me, I look into my chart. And it’s always my cancer moon.

Recently I discovered that my self worth goes up whenever I’m something to someone. A friend, mother figure, or just if I help them with a simple task. It’s types into my “for as long as I can remember, my life has always been about the people around me” mentality.

When I’m at my absolute lowest, I always look for other people to “distract” myself, but really what I’m doing is trying to see how I can fit into THEIR lives and make MYSELF better. I become codependent, getting annoyed if they can’t find time for me, all while my mind spirals and I lose myself.

I have no idea HOW to flip my mindset, since this has always been how it is. But at least now I know?

[cheekycherry20]

I don’t want help. I don’t want to feel better. I want to fucking end it all.

[cheekycherry20]

These past couple weeks have been really tough for my mental. I feel so stuck and alone. I don’t know who to go to, and when I dissect my emotions, my chest gets tight and I feel like I can’t breathe. I have ONE friend, and as much as I love him, he’s not a therapist. My depression is at a weird level that I’m not used to. I’m no longer motivated for anything, I have no long term goals, and I can’t think future for myself. I just don’t want to be here anymore. I can picture myself closing my eyes and that just being it.

[cheekycherry20]

There’s fake names in this post!

Last year I made two very important friends, Sarah and Tara. Tara had a family member pass away, and kept VERY close contact with Sarah. Sarah stepped up and handled all of Tara’s business. Her kids, chores, jobs, everything. Due to her personal reasons, I was the last to know of the passing. She said “all that matters what that I cared”.

I finally got to see them on superbowl night, and I had to adjust to MAJOR changes. He kids rooms are completely changed, they apparently hang out ALL the time, gwhich wouldn’t bother me if they didn’t say they cared about me as much as they say) and they take regular smoke breaks. Usually during our hangouts, we ask each other how we’re doing, and I was skipped over. They work at the same job, and I’ve expressed that I don’t like when they ONLY talk about work. Every other sentence was about the clinic they worked at, or their coworkers.

That was the last I saw them. Every message interaction recently had been initiated by ME.i hate feeling like I care more than others, so im tapping out. Of course there are other reasons, but I hate feeling like “the back burner friend”.

The worst part is I keep saying I let go, but my feelings still hurt. I miss them sometimes. I’m COMPLETELY alone, I don’t have anyone to go to, they were all I had. I thought moving out would bring me closer to them, but I’m not even thought about. I HATE THIS FEELING. I’m sure they outgrew me, I just wish I knew.

[cheekycherry20]

I’m not all that bad. I have a good and developing emotional maturity yet I’m playful and lighthearted. I’m the funniest person I’ve ever met, and BONUS! IM BEAUTIFUL!

[cheekycherry20]

Just saw ducks in a pond. Life actually isn’t as bad as it seems.

[cheekycherry20]

I knew this guy when I moved to a different town when I was 5. He was in a different class but I would see him around at recess often. All the girls in my grade were crazy obsessed with him. Like EVERYONE had a crush on him or liked him. He was so nice to everyone. That’s why I liked HIM. Literally everyone liked. But he like ME.

We would be sneaking eye contact with each looking, and watching each other makes jokes from across the room. We were walking and talking on our way to bus when someone catches up to us. He mentions something like “you guys are always together, do you like each other or something?” And I wagged my head nah “no” and look at him. Iook. he nods “yes”,and demeanor quickly changing after seeing me nod he goes “kinda”. I was too embarrassed to say I liked him. Because why would someone ever like me?

I was pretty lonely around then. I never really felt like my family liked me. I was always so weird and awkward. I never really was thinking of myself, I was always wondering why people didn’t like me. But to find someone liking me???? That kind of feeling doesn’t go away. I was so “i like a boy?” with him it’s, it’s crazy.

But I don’t remember his name. And I didn’t get a yearbook. He moved away the next year. It’s such a weird pain. I always say “yhe universe took you away from me”.I miss you so much, my memory of you. You gave me something to look forward to everyday weirdly, like I would always hope to see you the next day. I sometimes would hope to bump into you and we instantly recognize each other.

I just want your name to come to me in a dream or something. Just see what you look like now, where life has taken you. I know it’s not likely going to happen, so I’ll keep waiting for you. No one will ever know how amazing that feeling felt. My first “like”.

[cheekycherry20]

My favorite word written on paper is Japan.

[cheekycherry20]

Bad actors are actors that LOOK like they’re acting. Most of them wear wigs.

[cheekycherry20]

I know love is real because I am full of it. It’s an amazing thing to say, but I want the same love I put out.

I feel and like things on two levels: almost not at all, or extremely. When I like someone (romantically or platonically), I want to talk to them all the time, I put them on an imaginary pedestal ( they can quickly get knocked off if they’re a bad person). I’m aware that this isn’t normal. But I get upset when my favorite people don’t classify me the same way. But I know it’s wrong.

I’ve had a lot of best friends in my life, but I’ve never been someone else’s best friend, and it’s left a really bad affect on me. I won’t socialize unless I’m talked to first, and I will keep to myself as much as possible. For most people, I’m overwhelming and too much. I’ve developed “vampire syndrome” where I won’t ask to come over or text first to escape the humiliation of being rejected.So when someone WANTS to be my friend, I feel odd about it. I take my time VERY slowly getting to know them to make sure they don’t “leave me for someone else”. But the outcome is always the same.

Like I said, I know it’s wrong to get upset that someone has higher priorities and a life outside of me. Mentally I understand, but my nervous system doesn’t. I’m stuck in flight or flight waiting to get a text back or a “come over” text. Of course I check in and they’ll tell me what’s going on, but it’s always me putting in effort. Just once I want someone to be genuinely excited to talk to me as much I talk to them.

I’ve convinced myself that I won’t ever get the same kind of love I out I think I’m meant to give and never receive in all aspects of my life. So I’ll stay home and be lonely instead of socially being on someone else’s back burner.

[cheekycherry20]

Bella becoming a becoming a vampire gave her a bbl.

#twighlight #bella swan

[cheekycherry20]

I work in the field of aba (applied behavioral analysis) and have been for a little over a year. I started off really passionate about positively influencing the lives of children under the spectrum, because as an adult with adhd, I understood how hard it is as a kid to live in a not-so-opened minded neurotypical society.

I myself was bullied, left out, and made to feel unimportant on numerous occasions. I lacked the correct social skills, trying to mirror my peer’s behavior, yet being completely far off, and struggling to fit in for years. I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression with no outlet and proper coping mechanisms, all made worse with skewed communication skills. All of which I still struggle with today.

I started as a bt(behavior technician) and was quickly pushed into getting my license to become an rbt (registered behavior technician). On the journey to getting my license, I tried to soak up as much information as I could. It was very important to me to be a voice for the children. I had more downs then ups, as I put more pressure on myself then I should.

I wasn’t worried about running targets and gathering data. I wanted to ensure a good quality of life for my children. I’ll always call them my children, because I care for them that much. It’s almost maternal. I cry over my kids, worry about my kids, get angry at my kids. I love them more than anything in the world, I never knew I was capable of love until I got into the field.

Rbts don’t just work alone, we’re directly below bcbas (board certified behavior analyst). They make the plans for the kids, as the rbts run the sessions and gather the data bcbas need. Since the bcbas aren’t in session, it’s incredibly important that the rbt is collecting the right data and being extremely analytical over the session.

In my short time in being an rbt, I’ve been made to feel unimportant (as mentioned before) by numerous senior rbts and most importantly, bcbas. In my personal opinion, not being in a session can make it quite easy for a bcba to make the wrong decisions. In the past I’ve been quite vocal about ideas and goals that my kids can have long term, or just to push them into their next step of life. With children who are learning to functionally communicate, I step up and speak for them if I notice anything. I’m not a bcba, so technically I’m not legally allowed to run something without a bcba knowledge. But once again, my voice doesn’t matter.

As well as taking data, rbts are required to speak to parents. Not just about the child’s day, but for goals, progress, regression, and behaviors. Parent communication is very important, but parents implementing the same strategies as rbts is even more important. Some parents are amazing, but some parents drop their children off as an aba clinic is a daycare. It is far from it.

It’s very difficult watching parents drop their kids off in sick states, or seeing them come in minimal clothing in extreme cold. I’ve seen parents listen to therapist feedback and do the opposite of protocol,ensuring intense behaviors for therapist. As a parent it’s very difficult to live with the behaviors, so I undertstand how hard it may be. But as a therapist, I feel as if I’m not doing enough for my kid because they’re not making progress, because I can’t get them there alone. Parent cooperation is key.

I continue to get shot down and made to feel like I’m incompetent. I don’t know if it’s my age or minimal experience, but whatever the case may be, I no longer want to allow myself to be in spaces where I don’t feel heard. This is a really difficult thought for me to have, as I feel like I’m giving up on so many kids who just need someone to care about them. But I can acknowledge that in this field, caring isn’t always enough.

In the beginning I definitely tried my best. Advocating for my kids wasn’t the hard part, but my mental state is rapidly declining in the process. I truly still want to advocate for my kids, but when I voice my opinions I feel like what I’m saying is wrong.

I believe that stepping out of the field is my best option. To sit and watch fellow rbts and bcbas care too little or not at all for my kids has taken an incredible toll on my mental health. If you’re a parent or friend of someone interested in bringing a child into an aba clinic, please be sure you know exactly who is with them. There’s good therapists and bcbas , but there’s also a lot of people who just so happened to get their license and want a check.

#applied behavior analysis #adhd #ocd #autism #audhd #bcba #rbt