delicatelovestories

[delicatelovestories]

My Mind, My Hands, My Eyes, & My Heart.

"When he told me he was trying to leave for school; I didn't imagine how long it would be. All I had was hope that he would get accepted.

But when he was, and reality dawned on me, I realised it would be more pain than glory.

When his letter came in the mail, we celebrated, we jumped for joy, and we threw a party. Maybe we were distracting ourselves, maybe we were really happy.

Even though everything that surrounded me was positive, nothing could stop me from remembering just how long he would be gone.

Sure, we could talk, but it was so far away, and everyone knew how that went.

I sat on the couch while he danced with his friends, a drink stronger than words in my hands. He looked so happy.

A smile on his face, the letter long forgotten on his desk, so lost in celebration.

I tried so hard to convince myself it would work, that we just needed to plan it out, but nothing worked.

I knew just what would happen if we tried, and what had to happen now. No matter how painful, heart wrenching, or devastating.

The night was young, but my thoughts raced and my heart ached.

I grabbed his hand, leading him towards the backyard. We sat on the freshly cut grass, not caring about the stains.

"How long does it take to be a doctor?" I asked, looking at him with agony in my eyes. Nothing; I vowed, could or would hurt more than this.

He sighed, but it wasn't annoyed or tired, it was filled with pain.

"8 years." He answered, as he avoided my eyes by looking at the grass, the streetlamp just outside the fence surrounding us, and the pool a few metres from our feet.

"You know what we have to do." I told him, and it felt like just a little bit of the weight on my body had been lifted.

"I know." He spoke in a soft, whispering voice. 

He was afraid of this happening himself, but becoming a doctor had always been his dream. He promised himself, his parents, everyone around him, that he would achieve it.

It would've been selfish of me, that night, if I had asked him to stay. Maybe, I should have allowed myself, for one night, to be selfish.

"Well." He spoke after moments of silence.

"Well?" I furthered what he said, looking straight into his pained eyes, not being able to blink.

"What do we do?" He asked me, looking at the blue shoelaces I got him on our third date.

"What do you think?" I spoke softly. "We can't go on, and that's fine, I guess. We'll try to talk, but it'll never fit again. Isn't that how it goes?" I tried to convince myself, and him.

He was silent, but I could tell by the way he moved and breathed that he agreed with me.

"We'll still remember each other. You were my first love, I was yours. We'll still have that." I reminded him, moving to lay down on the grass.

He breathed heavily, like he was holding it in all along. He laid down with me, and our hands moulded together.

"I wish we could lay like this forever. That'd be so much easier than.. this." He whispered, with the tiniest sliver of a voice crack.

I couldn't respond, not a bone in my body could. I just laid there, his warm touch surrounding me, the night sky above me, and the grass below me.

In that moment, I felt like I could take anything the world threw at me. Anything, if I was with him.

We had each other, only for another month, but on that night, we had each other.

"Do you think we'll remember our first date?" I asked him, my eyes welling up with a feeling of strain.

"How far into the future?" He asked me, turning his head with a soft movement to look at me, and I turned to look at him.

"Forever?" I asked, the tears that welled sliding down slowly, with a pain that was indescribable.

"I don't think any muscle, bone, or organ in my body could forget you. I have my mind to imagine you, I have my hands to feel you, and I have my eyes to see you," He paused, his own tears freely dripping down his cheeks.

"And I have my heart to remember you, and I'll always have that, won't I?" He reminded me, as his thumbs wiped away the moisture under my eyes.

I placed my hand on his chest, feeling his heart.

"It's so fast." I chuckled, my voice wet and strained from crying.

"I'm next to you." He replied with a laugh of his own, soft and honest. He placed it on top of mine, and we felt his heartbeat together.

"What if we fall in love again? With someone new?" I asked, placing my head on his chest, as his heartbeat became my new comfort.

"We always knew this day was coming. We just didn't want to admit it to ourselves." He answered, wrapping his arm around my shoulders.

Although we laid in silence, the stars shone with a loud brightness.

"We don't have to be with each other, or continue being in love, to have love." 

The night was long, the stars were bright, the grass was soft, and he was right."

I stood still at the podium, looking at the many eyes that looked back at me. My mouth and throat was dry, while my eyes and cheeks were wet.

I stared at the shape of cement in front of me.

"Peyton Havens, Son, Student, Teenager." It read.

I would've preferred a 6000 mile distance with him living his dream, than 6 feet under, without him even being able to achieve it.

Now, I just had my mind to imagine him, my hands to feel the flowers beneath his gravestone, my eyes to see those dastardly engraved words, and my heart to remember him.

I will always have those, won't I?

#delicatelovestories #lovestories #angst #fiction #writing