delliques

[delliques]

i'm getting better at bothering to explain my side of things but i get super heated every time

[delliques]

reminders of how i am no longer myself. or the likeable part of myself. she wouldn't have wanted this for me

[delliques]

i found out pre workout exists and jesus christ i'm trying my fucking best out here and find people have been on this shit and coffee all day. no wonder i'm fucking exhausted. i'd take it too but my nerves hate me

[delliques]

idk why i have such an inadequacy complex. putting this cosplay together i feel shame putting parts together like what im doing isn't impressive enough to be proud about it because i haven't struggled enough? it's really fucked up

[delliques]

i'm planning a cosplay but people are starting to do it and i'm getting intimidated 😖

it'll be fun if the lot of us walk around together

#*fumbling with my cosplay notes and refs* ​for fun for fun i'm doing this for fun having fun concept of fun... #it's not about being the best it's about having fun #i don't even have a con to go to

[delliques]

i feel like whenever i express myself everyone goes "whew i dodged a bullet" that's so fucking mean i don't even do that to anyone else who is the voice of these mean af thoughts 😭

#anxiety #anyway you can be nuts and still have a good life and be loved #do your best!

[delliques]

i keep heavily obsessing over something to the point of being in pain or exhausted or not enjoying my outings and then i'll eventually have some moment of clarity that things are fine as they are and idk why! i make myself my own project then before i execute a plan i've learned to wait it out and it always fades. but it making decisions and expressing interests really hard because i have to figure out if it's rational or not.

basically i know i'm getting bad again whenever i go on pinterest 😅 happy to say my love for how soft and shiny my hair is rn kept me from chopping it all off again.

in a similar vein i hate expressing myself because then people make that part of you permanent and you can't love it down. i'd rather be thought of as reserved polite modest shy rational professional truthful sweet boring weak and calm (which is genuine! that really is part of what i am!) than miserable vulgar reckless dark creepy cold wild crazy weird and messy (which is also genuine but just a part of me!!) or even dumb childish sweet playful whimsical dorky loving and weird. i'm cautious and obsessive and curious and serious and also don't give a fuck but give so many fucks i'm cold and loving i'm happy and easily amused and i'm always miserable and distrustful

#i'm tired

[delliques]

i can't even practice my fighting game while i'm over there. they literally want me to just sit and stare at them sit on the couch for HOURS. they're going to starve me since they don't eat food and i can't go outside and the pillows are flat and the towels smell like dust and my dad gets drunk and the bed is so small and the carpets are so dirty and they cover me in magazines and newspaper articles and i don't even have room to put a drink down.

GOD I hate not having a car

[delliques]

i think i get a bit shook up when someone dies. how i'll never see that person again or hear their voice again. The permanence. Even if i don't know or think of them often. It's like a part of my world goes and it becomes a new reality. When my parents go I'll be really feeling the loss of my past and memories. I have complicated feelings but the love is definitely there and strong to a fault.

It's like this is my life and these are the people in it, so when they go as I get older it's really scary. An empty table, a place you grew up and will never return to. A tradition lost.

[delliques]

it may have been my poor choice of soda and macaroni for breakfast but i feel like i'm about to break, why do i break so easily? how lame

#i feel like i'm having a panic attack #the peril of 2020 so much death the peril of covid i got last april that may wrack my nervous system #the agony of the last 4 years the fucking daily torture #the sickness the death the loss the grief the nausea

[delliques]

i don't miss pre covid world per se l, i like working from home and having a home and all the things i'm into now. i just wish i didn't have the bad memories or hangups i've had since

[delliques]

two funerals, a passport appointment, and a weeklong stay at my parents house plus a solar eclipse and mercury retrograde in aries? have mercy.

[delliques]

i hate when i have nothing to look forward to ugh i visit my family this weekend. and i want to see them but then i have to stay for 2 days and rot and it sucks

[delliques]

i blame mercury retrograde in aries. aries moon came out told me to break my relationships and be free far away from here lul

[delliques]

the dysphoria is eating me alive idk what i want. if i looked the part would i be comfortable being a woman? if i looked the part would i be comfortable being a man? is being nonbinary just countering the gender you appear to be to create an androgynous balance? i need to get away from it all. i need to meet more people. i need therapy hormones and a surgeon 🏃‍♀️🏃🏃‍♂️ i was so confident in myself just a couple days ago. feeling so out of place socially made me feel really bad about myself. i'm dreary pale huge and boring. i can't handle alcohol i can't draw i can't socialize i can't do fucking anything. i can't even be a gender. i feel so small and out of place

[delliques]

fucking hate immature overbearing loud people. this shit is serious

[delliques]

had life saving moment of sense and decided all i needed was a deep condition and clarifying scalp mask. keep on keepin on babes 🚬🐤

#almost fried and fucked up my hair