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♡ I Guess It Comes From Your Heart ♡
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Alright its that time of the year where this photo resurfaces so let me tell Yall a little story. Okay so its freshman year so I say to myself "bitchh we gonna try new things, pop a molly (jk dad), get out that good ol comfort zone it is LIT. Had to go up a week early for Eop orientation so im like "SUPER LIT IM THERE BEFORE ANYBODY ELSE? AIGHT" so I get there, my dad and grandma left, I cried foran hour then I was like "alright you in college now bihhh lets get this parade poppinnn" so we go to a lake thing my first thought because a bitch could not swim so I said "Amanda CALL YOUR FATHER. pack it up these niggas trying to drown you" but the other part of me said "amanda you can say no" so i was hype like ohh yeah i got the power. Okay so I see people getting on little boats, the correct term is a "canoe" who knew? (ahh rhyme bars on point) so I'm like "not I said the cat" so my friends that I just met was like "lets go on one amanda" at that moment I was sad because theese were some cool mofos but they had to be DROPPED! dont need that negativity in my life. so I'm like "I cant swim" they was like "we get life jackets yadda ydda" making a bitch look real dumb with valid ass points so Im like "Trying new things let me do this" so we on the mini boat, im chillen with my life jacket looking at nature like "wow glad I did this nature is wonderful" and we FARRR OUTTTT. so im chillen and we all start laughing making jokes, i notice the boat is tilting everythime we laugh so im like "aight guys lets go back" and keep that laughter shit to a minimum hee hee kaa kaa. So my friend alex laughing odeeee, then im like okay okay now calm it down. THIS SHIT TIPPED OVER! WE IN THE WATER! A BITCH THOUGHT SHE WAS DEAD. so naturally I close my eyes and prepare for death the only rational thing to do, so my friend goes "amanda you have on a life jacket and the water is not that deep" so I stand up stepping on some nasty shit but none the less i am alive. wasnt my time to go yet. WE TRIED TO GET ON THIS BOAT 6 TIMES YO 6 FUCKING TIMES! couldnt get on so we walked to shore which was not close, Im over here trying to swim with my life jacket so i keep floating back up. my friend lost her sock, my other friend tight af he got to bring that heavy ass boat back and im just like "why the fuck did i come to college" so we get to shore everybody saying how hilarious we looked so i walked away because they said there's a no fighting policy and i took a picture because I said "A bitch aint ever trying nothing new ever again! plain Jane is my name and that is how it shall stay until eternity"
sb: THIS IS SO LONG IF YOU READ IT ALL YOU A REAL ONE. THAT SHIRT DID NOT SURVIVE. I WAS TIGHT AF.
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The Truth about Older Virgins
When I tell people I am still a virgin I get mixed reactions, some people commend me on “waiting for the right one”, some people ask me “what are you waiting for?”, some people ask how I do it and some people automatically assume I am this good, holy, wholesome girl that does no wrong.
Here’s the truth, We are not all waiting for the “right” guy, we know that even who we think is right at the time may not be the person we end up with.We are waiting for chemistry, connection, someone to touch our minds first before they touch our bodies. They may not necessarily be the “right” one but they will be the right one in that moment. We just need a special vibe that we can't get anywhere else and until we find that we refuse to settle for just anyone who comes along and shows interest.There has to be something about him that makes us feel like he is worthy enough, we crave a guy that is not like every other guy we’ve met and proves that to us daily.
Another thing is..We want sex just as bad as the people who aren't virgins; we do not have this magic power that makes us not want sex because we’ve never had it before. People often think that virgins just sit around with their legs closed and pray or something. NOPE. we think about sex all the time, the different things we want to try, would we be good at this or that, would we be able to handle that position, how that first one is going to feel, how many rounds could we go, how we could please our man and make him let out that sexy man moan, how we’re going to feel afterwards and pretty much anything else you can think of about sex we think of too. Just because we choose to be virgins does not mean we do not get the urge to have sex, after all we are still human with very human hormones.
We have been offered.I remember one day there was this discussion about sex going on and I was listening in out of curiosity. One girl said “most of the girls that are virgins, are only virgins because no one wants to have sex with them. PAUSE. REWIND. INCORRECT. We get plenty of offers, we just don’t accept. One of the easiest things to get in this world besides an STD is SEX. You can literally go outside and find someone that would be willing to have sex with you. We choose our own partners, just because a guy is interested in you does not mean you have to have sex with him.So we do get offers, we just tend to deny them because that isn’t what we are looking for.
Also, TELL US YOUR HOE STORIES! If you’re like “I want to tell you about this wild night I had but I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable” TELL US! We are virgins which means we receive no action so we live through our friends. It also gives us ideas on what we’d try or how we’d react to certain things, in this case you are basically the teacher and we are taking mental notes. We are on the bench but we still read the play and go over the game in our head because the time will come where WE ..GET OFF ..THE ...BENCHHHH! Seriously though, we love that shit.
Last but not least, the final truth about a virgin is; We’re scared. The older you get, the longer you wait there is this expectation that is placed upon you by you. You figure “I waited this long so it has to be perfect” and that mindset creates a lot of pressure to make your first time special when in reality the only thing that matters is the feelings you share with the person you are losing it to. The most important thing should be the chemistry and comfortability you have with your sex partner. We focus so much on the fact that the act itself has to be perfect and the guy has to be perfect, we don’t take time to think about how we should feel before, during and after. We are scared that we won’t be good in bed, that it will hurt too much to continue, that the person we do it with will leave us, that we are so inexperienced and it won’t be enjoyable and the thing that scares us the most, that keeps us awake at night wondering is “what if I waited this long for nothing?”. So I have taken you into the mind of a 20 year old virgin, if you are a virgin and you are reading this like “that’s so true” my advice to you would be to not worry so much, the chips will always fall where they may. Enjoy your life, do not settle however do not fixate on finding the PERFECT man and having the PERFECT experience. Nothing is perfect but having a REAL, LOVING and AUTHENTIC experience is just as good.
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Let me tell you about a strong woman
she isn't strong because she WANTS to be she is strong because she HAS to be. She falls apart in silence alone because she doesn't know how to tell anyone that she isn't okay but she will ALWAYS pick herself back up. Shes considered mean or prude because she knows what she wants and refuses to take anybody's shit. She's hard because of all of the times she gave people the benefit of the doubt and they showed her why she shouldn't have. She knows that in order to be strong you must be weak sometimes but she doesn't like it. She uses every kick,every punch, every slap, every stab, every betrayal as FUEL. You will think you have broken her,you will smile at her defeat but oh oh oh when she rises taller than ever, back straight,head high you better start running. A strong woman is not the easiest person to love but once you make the cut you will understand. A strong woman is often overlooked due to intimidation and it is a fact that every man does not have the tools to handle one. Not every person can handle one, Once a strong woman always a strong woman and no matter how deep she goes down she will always always always find her way back to the shore. If you ever come across one you'd better keep her and if you lose one, move out of her way and watch her flourish. A strong woman will never apologize for the fierce blinding being she was forced to become because of life's great betrayals, obstacles and hardships. This is the year of strong woman so step aside or be stepped on because we didn't come to play . #finalwarning#awwwmannnn #thelittesthasyettocome
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GoodBye Riley
We were truly one in the same. If you’ve ever seen the show girl meets world, she was Riley and I was Maya. We were not ordinary best friends, we laughed our hardest every single day for pretty much no reason. When we were together you could expect nothing but our two ridiculous laughs running wild. My life has always been a movie and that is the way I’ve always seen it; so it was only natural that I include her in my schemes. If you’d ask me who my favorite person in the world was I would always answer with her name. I knew that if my world was crashing down and I suddenly lost sight of the bigger picture she was there to be my prescription glasses. She knew that if there was ever a problem, if anything ever happened and she needed someone that I would always be there.
Why am I writing this at 3AM? To torture myself with what was? No, not at all. I’ve just finished watching the last episode of girl meets world and it squeezed my heart. I found myself saying “I wish I had a friendship like Maya and Rileys’” and then I remembered that once upon a time I did. I had someone who was the lightening to my thunder and it was a beautiful scenery indeed. To find a friend that can make you laugh like no other, that will protect you with their life if it ever came to it, that will always answer the phone when you call, that will eat all they can eat with you, that will stop and dance with you when a great song comes on, that will push you to take chances and live a little, that will take you out of your comfort zone because you’ve been there for too long, that will believe in your dreams as much as you, that will love you unconditionally; is a very rare thing that not many people have the pleasure of obtaining. But people change, you change.
One day you wake up and see a picture or a TV show that reminds you of what once was and you think to yourself;wondering where it all went wrong. You want to pick up the phone or send a text but then you stop, you remember why you speak in past tense. You remember where you are now even if you do not remember how you got there..so you put the phone down. Some things.. You just cannot come back from; some cuts are too deep for a single band-aid. That is the irony of life, the most painful feelings often comes from the people whom we love the most. So as I sit here and write this piece inspired by a great television show which reminded me of a beautiful friendship, I smile.Today, watching the finale of a show that has made my days a little brighter; as I wipe a tear from my eye, I say my goodbye. I say goodbye to girl meets world and I say goodbye to my Riley. It’s been the realest it’s ever going to be, goodbye.
With love,
Your Maya
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I’m Fat Not Fragile
For many years I have been treated like this breakable person every time the word fat is mentioned. I will be honest and say that middle school was not my favorite time period, the word fat was used many times and it wasn’t to comfort me. I was bullied due to my weight and it made me very insecure; insecurities that I still fight today. Then one day I decided to look up the definition of fat and found that it meant a person with a large amount of flesh and said “well..I am fat”. The word had be given such negative connotations that I automatically assumed it was n insult but it was not. So from that point on I decided the word would not bother me, it took some time and I still cringe when taken by surprised by the usage of it but for the most part I am okay. You are allowed to use the word and not feel guilty of hurting my feelings or making me feel uncomfortable. You know what makes me uncomfortable? Using the word fat then saying things like “no offense” or “but not you though” or my favorite “except for Amanda”. I know who I am and I am smart enough to know what you mean when you say it. Singling me out is the only thing that will make me feel any kind of way. It is time that we start treating Fat people like actual human beings. Do not baby me, do not try to make me feel comfortable, do not say no offense where I am concerned and do not put me on the spot. If you’re going to say the word “fat” own it; you do not need my confirmation to say a common word just because I fit the description. I do not speak for every fat person in America so this is just how to act when it is concerning me. I am not fragile and I am not breakable. I am a strong beautiful black FAT girl and I have come to terms with that so it’s about time that you did too.
Xoxo
Your local FatGirl
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Why Do you even like black men?
"I don't" was my response. "I LOVE black men." By her face I can tell she was a victim of believing the stereotypes of black men. By the shift in her posture as I stared at her I could tell she was linking me in with the stereotype of the typical black female who loves pain to compensate for her daddy issues. By her inability to make eye contact she knew that I knew what she was doing, and by her ignorance which she seemed to be so proud of as if she knew everything there was to know about my people I could tell what I was about to say next would knock her on her stereotype loving, prejudice harboring, doesn't know that those shoes do not go with that dress, ignorant ass. I straighten my back, cross my leg, lick my lips and look her in the eyes. “Do you know what I see when I look at a black man? Of course you don’t so let me tell you. I see STRENGTH. I see a man who was supposed to break long ago but chose to rise above because thats how magical he is. I see a man who was oppressed just because of the color of his skin, the fear that he might be greater than anyone could imagine, the jealousy because of how beautifully masculine he was without even trying. Oh honey, when I see a black man I see a protector who will go to the end of the earth for his loved ones, who will jump through fire, swim through oceans and break through every barrier in his path. I see a man that people like YOU tell the world they shouldn’t love because of the ignorance they claim as truth.The black man is a fierce being, skin like hot coco, mind like a great novel you can not bring yourself to put down, touch like an electric shock that feels so good, embrace offering love and protection, lips like a cheeseburger on your cheat day, soul like everything that is good and pure in this world had a baby and named it a black male.I see a KING who needs his queen to be his peace, his strength, to allow him to be weak but always make sure he is strong again. To care for him like no other because this world is telling us that we should leave him, the world has turned their back on black men and expect black women to do the same. They want us to believe the labels and the stereotypes and the lies, they want us to let our men fall and watch as the ref counts to 8 notifying us of his final defeat. But I won’t, We won’t. We will yell at the top of our lungs over the count;asking our men to get up and keep fighting, we will lose our voices and let the tears fall from our eyes screaming to the top of our lungs for our men to GET UP! KEEP FIGHTING! And the world will label us fools for having such faith, for being so loyal but when that ref reaches the number 6 and our men move their right leg and then their left and is up standing tall like we knew he would be when that ref calls out the number 8 they will see what we see. They will know why we would never give up on our men and they will know why we need each other. Another black man is my other half, the piece I need to be whole; so I will love him with my whole heart, I will protect him with everything inside of me, I will encourage him because he needs it. I will be his best friend and his lover, I will help him get right when things go left because I know he will do the same for me. You asked me why do I even like black men. Well I LOVE black men because they are for me, because I would not be a black woman without a black man. I love black men because the world does not want me to and I refuse to let my brother, my son or my husband walk through life thinking they are unloved and unwanted. I LOVE black men because they are MINE to love.” with that I got up, put my jacket on and walked towards the door. I didn’t turn to look at her because I did not need to. I made my point and I said my peace, I did not need to see her embarrassed expression or to have her offer up a false apology laced in “I should have thought before I spoke” rather than actually being sorry. People like her will never understand and it is not my job to force her to. She asked me an ignorant question expecting me to not know the answer and I gave her my truth. That was enough for me.
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An Open letter to the best friends I had before college,
For one I would like to apologize. I spent so much time thinking that I didn’t need to, that I did nothing wrong and it was the universe telling me we were just always meant to separate. I should have tried harder, I should have noticed the drift and conducted a meeting. The way we always some what did when we felt like things were changing. But I also want to acknowledge the fact that it is a two way street. One person can’t play tug of war, my hypothesis is that’s where we went wrong.Although I am not really one hundred percent sure;It could be a number of things to be honest but my money's on the lack of communication.
I went away seven hours to college and we went our separate ways. We tried in the beginning because it was easier. Fresh out of high school; we still remembered how close we were and how much we loved each other. In high school we were all growing together, we went through the awkward transition from adolescent to adult. It was not hard to stay close after that, we witnessed each others worse and were around to witness the best. Then we graduated and we had to grow on our own. We were no longer there for each other’s first experiences, we no longer saw each other five times a week. At that point we started to walk our own path without the arms of one another and we forgot to include each other. We forgot to call and say “hey this is who I am now. Who are you?” We forgot to say “I haven’t spoken to you in a while but I still love you”, we forgot to check in and say “Hey, are you okay?” and then one day we forgot each other.
The three way phone calls turned into two ways that I was no longer apart of, you guys were getting closer and I was moving further away, we were moving on from each other when we should have been moving towards each other. The insiders I wouldn’t understand because it was a “you had to be there” moment and I wasn’t. So we told ourselves what we have been telling ourselves over and over months before we graduated. “If we are meant to stay together we will” but that wasn’t the truth. The truth is that it takes hard work and love to keep something together even if it is meant. What is meant to be will always be;yes. However you do not buy a plant, don’t water it and say “if it is meant to live then it will”. Our friendship was the plant that we forgot to water, we placed it in the sunlight and hoped for the best when we should have watered it daily.
I have no hard feelings and I wish you well, I just find myself alone sometimes in my childhood bedroom with memories rushing back all at once. The video chats, the three way calls, the laughs, the tears, this room has the reminders of the beautiful plant that we let die. We are murderers, to kill a good friendship is almost as tragic as never attempting to have one. I can’t go back nor would I want to anymore. I guess where we are now is where we are meant to be,but I write this for the future high school best friends. My advice to you is as follows; things are going to change. You guys will start to grow in different directions as you find out who you really are but growing separately does not have to mean growing apart. Stay in touch and keep each other informed on what is going on in your life. Believe me when I say that “I’ll call them tomorrow” quickly turns into never calling them again. The best advice I can give you; if you do not listen to anything else I say, then listen to this. Don’t forget to try; effort will be the friend that helps you keep your friends. My plant is long gone but I want to pass on what I’ve learned to you all. Water your beautiful plant, place it in the sunlight and watch it grow.
Signed,
Amanda Vonn the plant killer.
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