dorkdreaming-blog

[dorkdreaming-blog]

#dream journal #dream blogging

[dorkdreaming-blog]

The Ballad of Cracker Barrel

Everything you’re about to read is absolutely true. 

Part One

Last night I dreamt that my wife and I were eating at a Cracker Barrel, something I’ve only ever done once in real life. 

I had to get up to use the bathroom, and on the way there I passed a table where two women were eating. One of them was Gianna Michaels. She saw me and said, 

“Hey, Doryen! Do you want the rest of my food? I can’t finish it.” 

To which I replied, “Sure. I’m going to the bathroom first so I’ll grab it on my way back,” and went on my way. 

“They always give you too much, how am I supposed to eat all this?”

The bathroom itself was a mess. I often have dreams about bathrooms. Mostly about how hard they are to find, or how little privacy they provide. This particular dream bathroom didn’t have any urinals. Instead, it had a couple toilets without any stalls around them. The floor was tiny yellow tiles and sawdust and straw, soaked with piss and toilet water. 

An asian woman was standing in the middle of the room, waiting for all of us to finish so that she could clean it. I did not envy her. 

It was like this but so much worse. Just way way way worse. 

Since I only had to make water, I used the toilet nearest the sinks then washed my hands and left. I only slipped a little on the pissy straw floor. 

When I got back to the dining room, Gianna and her friend had gone, but a waitress was there waiting with the plate of unfinished food and she followed me back to my table with it. 

Part Two

Dream Cracker Barrel has a very strict policy about not taking drink bottles with you when you leave, no matter how much you wish to take the bottle home. 

This particular restaurant had a limited series of Dr Pepper bottles that were in rare supply and high demand, so naturally I wanted to take mine home with me. Unfortunately, our waitress informed us of their “no leftovers” policy -- which in hindsight provides an excellent reason why Gianna wanted someone to eat her remaining food instead of having it go to waste. 

You can share your plate but you can’t take it home. Chef’s orders.

My wife had a Coke Zero in a normal, not rare bottle. It was her idea to peel off the Coke Zero label and use it to hide the Dr Pepper bottle with. We thought that perhaps they’d be more likely to bend the rules if we were only taking an empty Coke Zero bottle with us rather than one of their rare Dr Pepper collector’s items. 

We went up to the cashier’s station to pay for our meal, and consented to the customary bag-check. Upon seeing the bottle, stuffed inside her purse along with some other trash, the cashier gave us a stern look -- but said nothing. 

It wasn’t until we were halfway to our car with our smuggled treasure that a member of the Cracker Barrel management team shouted at us from across the gravel parking lot. 

He looked equal parts terrified and infuriated. To get away, we traded tires with a sports car and put the petal to the metal in our minivan. 

Our minivan was actually off-white. I’ve never owned a red car.

Epilogue

The rest of the dream was spent in an abstract world where our minivan had become a miniature version of the New York New York Hotel on wheels and we were fleeing from a dark thing which chased us through the Warner Bros. backlot. 

Just throw on some racing slicks and you’re good to go. 

#dream journal #cracker barrel #dr pepper #bathrooms #gianna michaels #leftovers #date night #restaurants #takeout #escape #chase #food