dr0pdeadg0rgeous

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tonight has factory reset my brain fr

#like I don’t have the urge to binge or eat junk #or to starve either #am i cured???? #joking this never goes away. #run run run as fast as u can while u can

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i haven’t slept a wink and GOD i want food, healthy food, normal food, so i can actually focus on doing these essays and spending time with my family!!!!

ignore my previous posts i plead temporary insanity!!! except i still hate myself!!! but that doesn’t mean i need to treat my body unkindly!!!

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side note but after a bathroom mirror-to-floor breakdown i’m legitimately considering cancelling a holiday i have in a month. except how am i supposed to explain that to my dad? “hi dad, can’t come on holiday because the thought of squeezing myself into shorts or a bikini is making me miserable!!!”. ???? no. may lie about an exam date or something idk.

#just to be clear #the rest of my family would still go #just not me #because i am fat #and being fat in a hot country #is a big fat NOPE

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only got four weeks of uni left (classes, not exams) and GOD PLEASE i’m begging for it to come so fast, i just want to rot in my room and not eat all day PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

#model thin #ed not sheeren #tw disordered eating #tw ana trigger #tw ed diet #ana trigger #an0r3c1a

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oscillating wildly between giggling like a witch at tumblr posts (including my own) and scream-crying over the way my body looks while washing my hair over the sink because i refuse to undress.

#haha slaying so hard #girlboss behaviour right girlies #I want to call my bf to cry about it #but also i’ve been too dependent on him lately #he hasn’t said that i just Feel that #model thin #ed not sheeren #tw disordered eating #tw ana trigger #tw ed diet #ana trigger #ed not ed sheeran #tw ed related #tw ed stuff #tw restrictive ed #an0r3c1a #AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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long-term EDs

the funniest thing about having a long term ED is just how much harder it gets. like i CANNOT fast or starve myself anymore. when i was like 14-15 i did a 6 day fast like it was nothing? every week i’d fast sun-wed, then at least wed-fri, WHILE going to school and getting brilliant grades. now?? cannot walk if i haven’t eaten in 6 hours. exhausted by 2pm if i skipped breakfast. unable to think without snack. it’s almost as if an adult body and adult tasks require the energy intake of an adult.

also i’m not angry anymore. spite was my main motivation. “prove x wrong” “show x how much better you are” etc. one fight with my mum and BOOM four day fast, because “that’ll show her”. now?? i have a lovely relationship with my mum, she’s my best friend. my hormones are normal. i am no longer a raging nightmare.

getting older with an ED is like trying to fix a car when someone has stolen all your tools.

#model thin #tw disordered eating #ed not sheeren #tw ed diet #tw ana trigger #ana trigger #an0r3c1a #thinspr0 #ed not ed sheeran

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just saw a post about someone doing a TWELVE DAY FAST and losing 18lbs 😭😭😭 that would solve all my problems i only need to lose like 10-15.

literally cannot physically do fasts that length, my longest was six days. also i was 14-15 and i don’t hate myself or the world enough to do that again 💀

#model thin #ed not sheeren #tw disordered eating #tw ana trigger #tw ed diet #ana trigger #ed not ed sheeran #an0r3c1a #tw restrictive ed #thinspr0

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me 🩰🪽

#she’s perfect (she cries herself to sleep at 5pm) #model thin #ed not sheeren #tw disordered eating #tw ana trigger #tw ed diet #ana trigger

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honey, i’m home~ 🪽

hello!! once again i come crawling back.

over the past two months i have managed to gain 7kg??? from being on birth control. if anyone tries to tell you the pill doesn’t have side effects, they’re lying*. obviously, lifestyle factors have also contributed to this. except these “lifestyle factors” are severe anxiety and a depressive episode, both of which have been caused/exacerbated by the pill! i know my body and my mind, and i’ve had depression and anxiety long enough to know what is Normal for me. this is not Normal. this is so far beyond Normal. but enough about that.

i haven’t weighed this much since i was 16 and i HATE IT. even while recovered i maintained 44kg for A YEAR. i ate mostly normally (not to the average person but everything is relative) and was active in a healthy way. i feel so uncomfortable!!! so i need to get rid of it quick because i don’t even want to leave the house because of how i look right now. i’ve stopped seeing friends, haven’t been going to classes, and even get scared to just go outside. i just want to be small again. i don’t feel like myself and it’s making me feel worse than i ever did in the trenches of anorexia.

*birth control works for some people, which is great! i <3 safe sex!!! but for others it can kick their ass, as detailed in this post. the medical world really have something against being transparent with women about certain medications/procedures. but you all know that.

#model thin #ed not sheeren #tw disordered eating #tw ana trigger #tw ed diet #ana trigger

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I can’t tell you how badly i want this, if i had the money i WOULD

This Mirror Palais Dress?!｡･:*:･ﾟ𝜗𝜚

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She is a brunette

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Going back to my roots: going to be studious and pragmatic. Going to drink my coffee and study hard.

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Oh, to live like a 90s runway model

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fall faves

uggs, nude chanel lipstick, mitskis new album, vanilla scented perfumes, honeymoon album, gossip girl, reading, huge knitted sweaters, thrifting, brown mascara, 70s inspired makeup, croissants, jeff buckley, david lynch, mom jeans, boyfriends, the smiths