thawedpatriotā.
one hand continues to cling to tonyās while the other shakily but very gently cards through his hair. heās waited for this, for tony to wake up, for him to be coherent enough for them to know exactly what the extent of the damage was. itās not like anyone has ever been through this before, no one knows exactly what the stones put his body through, no one could say for sure if heād wake up at all. and steve had hated it, loathed every second of the unknown, not having answers for their son. he doesnāt love this, either, seeing husband reduced to this state, but god heās proud of him. proud to be able to call this man his, proud of all tony had accomplished and all the lives heās saved. tonyās saved them all. and like the self-sacrificial asshole he is, heās left them wondering if they still get to have him after the fact.
heart aches at the rough sound of tonyās voice, but nothing has sounded half as wonderful since tonyās eyes had slipped closed on the battlefield. god knows it beats the constant hum and beeps of the machines around them. he hopes itās over. he hopes this can be it for them, that they can step away and just live their own life together without people coming to their front door asking for their help again. tony deserves that much now. tony deserves to be able to relax back into a quiet, domestic life. itāll be littered with appointments and therapies of all kinds now, he knows recovery is going to be a long and arduous process, but heāll be there. every step of the way, heāll be there for his husband and his son. he wonāt let them down.
āyeah, honey, itās over. you did it. you saved us. everyoneās safe.ā
itās a relief to know tony remembers what happened, still has his memories, still knows who he is, who james is; they hadnāt been sure how much his brain had been affected. steve hadnāt been prepared for what that conversation would have looked like between his husband nor his son.
How long have I been asleep? Itās now the only thought that begins to occupy his mind, foggy and unclear of the details because heās been out of it. Justā¦out. A maze is what best describes his current state of thinking and memory recall, trying to reach out for the memories and the feelings heās had since the last time heād been a conscious, functioning human being. Perhaps this is asking too much of his own body after having been knocked out for what couldāve been years. Oh god, I sure hope it hasnāt been years. That would mean James has grown up, and that Steve has gotten older. His love for both still blossoms in his chest, the two best things in his life (ever), but his heart aches at the very concept and imagery of his family growing, moving, living without him.
It should click that itās all over. Steve tells reassures him it isā¦but why does it still feel like heās still fighting a battle?
A different battle, he supposes. The kind that doesnāt just leave you. The ones thatāll sit on his shoulders for the rest of his life. Tony swallows, and his throat feels dry, uncomfortable. He wants to sit up, fingers tightening around Steveās.
āGood.ā Because what else is he supposed to say? What else is he supposed to do? After it all, heās supposed to continue living; and, well, Tony wants to do that without hesitation. Yet, some part of him is terrifiedāheās been fighting for so long, now he can just doā¦nothing? That thereās nothing for him to take care of besides himself and his family? It doesnāt feel right, but it doesnāt feel wrong, either. God, he is not awake enough to be having so much of an existential crisis. āWhere ās he?ā His words are still somewhat of a messy slur, practicing muscles he hasnāt used inā¦however long. āHow long?ā How long have I been out?
13 notes
Ā·
View notes
hello i am going to a-t-t-e-m-p-t some words tonight for the first time in a while
0 notes
The reason Capās unstoppable is that he knows who and what heās fighting for. And he aināt ever gonna back down from that. Not one inch.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā indie & private steve rogers
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā influenced by phase one of mcu/avengers assemble! Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā thawed by amanda
3 notes
Ā·
View notes
thawedpatriotā.
āiāve been using it for research. itās been instrumental in catching me up so far. itās also more convenient to work on than shuffling through mountains of paper files. really neat, havinā all that information at your fingertips. no wonder everyoneās glued to their screens these days.ā
despite being phrased like a common complaint, itās really a statement of amazement; technology had come so far in what felt like such little time and continued to steamroll on day by day. because of people like tony, who were driven towards creating a brighter future, one that was tangled up in all these advancements now in a way that couldnāt be undone. news traveled faster, there were endless means of communication, new forms of entertainmentā it really did make sense that everyone had their noses in a screen with so much offered to them on a daily basis. will it probably concern him once it all becomes more familiar to him and he realizes itās not always a healthy thing, as great as it is? yeah, but thatās for future him to worry about. for now heāll just be impressed by the good it can do; though heāll always stand by relying on your own skill, hard work, and intuition over technology. steve figures he gets a pass for being old fashioned, considering heās the very definition of the term.
āiāll look into some of the local bakeries. youāre welcome to join me when i go visit them, of course. if you have some time in your schedule when i do.ā
āGlad youāre catchinā up, then.ā Tony supposes he canāt blame a man from the past who would want to reject so much of what wouldāve just been the future of him. No sane human response is to instantaneously accept everything thrown at your face when youāre not even from the same era, and, well...heās actually mildly surprised Steve has been making the proactive effort. A part of him wants to offer his help if Steveāll ever need it, and another part of him wants to joke about Steveās ability to adapt to this present-time, but he knows all too well that Steve isnāt just any regular guy.
But, even Tony knows that though technology is incredible, that heāll always champion it, there are its unintended consequences. Kids being glued to screen these days isnāt something brag-worthy, and lord, who knows what else is going on out there? Tony tries, though, tries to use his ideas, plans, inventions, to be able to build a brighter future. And even if he isnāt able to accomplish it all, he can only hope he paves a way for the next generation to carry it forward. A single man canāt achieve everything, heās come to slowly learn that, and Tonyās already achieved a lot. Heās done things no one else can say theyāve ever done, like a literal diversion of a nuclear bomb into space. Seriously, what the fuck, right?
He smiles and nodsālook at them, theyāve come a long way from insulting each other with the sharpest knives. āSure, sure. Youāll never know with my busy schedule of meetings, meetings, and more meetings, but just let me know if you got a specific date and time in mind.ā Tony tells him, āThen Iāll see to blocking some time in for it. Canāt say Iāll deny a good snack or dessert from my childhood.ā Nostalgia sure is something. āAnythinā you miss? Food wise? I know options were a bit more limited back then, but...thereās gotta be something, right?ā
39 notes
Ā·
View notes
bokketoā.
Ā Ā Ā āTony, itās not that I donāt trust your cooking skills, itās that I donāt trust your cooking skills,ā Natasha deadpans at him. Actually, itās more that water boils at a significantly lower temperature that high up in the air, which is why most food thatās served on planes ā private or otherwise ā rely on reheating pre-prepared foods rather than making it themselves. Assembly isnāt an issue, but itās harder to make sure that illness-causing bacteria, for example, are properly eliminated.
Ā Ā Ā āJust get your eye-candyĀ butt on the plane and get us where we need to go, and Iāll be happy. Itās been a long damn time since I took a break.ā She says that as if sheās 1) taking the break for her own benefit, 2) not using the trip to meet up with Yelena and swap intel, and 3) taking her tablet with her to work in the evenings. She isĀ going to try to steal some of Tonyās tech away from him, but truthfully, she doesnāt expect him to do much different either.
āOuch.ā He feigns being offended, knowing full-well of his general incapability of being a man in the kitchen atop of any other potential reasons. āCoulda said that a little nicer, you know? Wouldnāt have hurt to be kind.ā Heās only kiddingāTonyās barely one to hold back his own tongue some days, thereās no reason that heāll actually expect Nat to hold hers. The last time he cooked on a jet kitchen hadnāt turned out well, let alone him in a normal kitchen on ground level.
Tony rolls his eyes, and it sounds out of character to even hear her mention taking a break. As far as heās concerned, the both of them are workaholics in their own right. He can go days in his lab, no problem, which yeah, isnāt healthy, but heās working for the future. Maybe some other person would grill him about living in the present. āOkay, Miss Bossy Pants McGee,ā Tony drawls before asking JARVIS to call for the private jet to be readied. āIāll go get changed and bring a couple of clothes. How long were we planning on staying there anyway?ā
13 notes
Ā·
View notes
cxptā.
Heād always known that Stark was private, that he preferred to keep a lot of things close to the vest. Given everything that heād learned he didnāt blame him one bit for that. Especially given what society tended to do to people like that. But that didnāt mean that his friend needed to keep him at arms length. Heād never judged Stark, heād never look at him any differently. If anything he would support him, help him however he could, but never would he judge. But looking at his friend Steve knew that it was pointless to keep fighting him about this. Both of them would dig their heels in and neither of them would get anywhere. It had happened in the past and it would happen again. Giving in was the only way that heād keep things from escalating and while he hated it, he was ready to keep things from getting worse.
All that aside, he was still going to help his friend. Everyone knew he struggled with the bottle and it seemed like tonight was one of the nights where he fell back into old habits. Not that he could blame him. Everything seemed to be a struggle and everyone seemed to be handling it differently. A part of him wished there was something more he could do. Each time he reached out he seemed to be rebuffed, and there were only so many times he could reach out before he gave up. And that was the last thing Steve wanted to do; give up on Stark. Heād just have to be patient and hope that his friend would eventually let him in. If not, they were going to keep butting heads and he knew where that had led to. He was determined to keep that from happening again, but if Stark wasnāt going to talk to him, if he wasnāt going to let him in, he wasnāt certain he had any other choice. Hopefully, it wouldnāt come to that.
The world had already seen them fight; they definitely didnāt need to see the two of them fight again. Not over something that couldāve been solved through communication.
He didnāt know what was going to come from this. For all his support, for all his words, he had no idea just what would come from this. And that bothered him more than anything. He was a tactician, he preferred plans and knowing just how things might play out. But this wasnāt anything like that and it bothered him. But Stark wasnāt one of his plans and he couldnāt really expect his friend to fit into them like one. And helping people was something he thought he could do. But the more he looked at his friend the more Steve started to wonder if he could help him. The Ā voice in his head reminded him he couldnāt help those who didnāt want it and no matter how much he thought Stark might need it, he was starting to think that he might not want it.
And if that ended up being the case he just might start to see himself as a bit of a failure. What would the world think of the former Captain America helping everyone but one of his closes friends? He didnāt want to think about it. Not when he needed to deal with Stark.
āNo, I donāt know what itās like to constantly doubt and wonder if your place in the world is what you think it is,ā he muttered, rolling his eyes. Again, he shouldnāt be antagonising him like this, but sometimes his mouth got the better of him.
Sighing, he shoved everything else aside and focused on helping his friend. Neither of them were comfortable in this situation and the more he antagonised him the worse things were going to get. And they were already bad enough. All he needed to do was get Stark to the bathroom and the rest should be relatively easy. Or at least he hoped it would be. Nothing to this point had been so he wasnāt too certain anything else would be.
āYou sure youāll be okay here?ā He didnāt want to leave him there in case something happened, but he also knew that distance might actually help the two of them. Getting the shower ready would at least give him time to think, and it would give Stark time to deal with the awkwardness that had settled over them. But the voice in his head kept telling him that Stark could end up getting sick or choking or something worse, and that leaving him was the worst thing he could do. Damned if he did, damned if he didnāt it seemed. No, Steve was certain he could leave Stark there and get everything ready without worrying about the other. āDonāt worry, Iāll go get the hot water running so itās ready for you.ā It felt like he was making this worse but what other choice did he have?
Nodding to the other, he moved off to the shower and turned on the hot water. Closing his eyes, he didnāt think things could actually get worse. Instead, he shoved it all aside and gave the other some time to himself. Their past was anything but good and he knew his presence there wasnāt making things any better. And he couldnāt leave him. Not in his current state. Even if he wanted to he couldnāt. If something happened to him he would never forgive himself. After a few long moments, he looked out the door to see if Stark had moved or if he was still sitting there.
Thereās an itch he wants to scratch, one thatās telling him to run away, or you know, maybe jump out the window. This is a thought he has out of complete and utter confidence, only because he knows the suit will come save him in time. The suitās capable of many things, but two stand out spectacularly well in the moment: itāll either save him or be the death of him. One is more pleasant than the other, though he wonders if the latter could take all this pain and misery away. Tony is, by all accounts, a stubborn man whoās driven by the things that he knows. Everything is scientific, mathematical, functional, quantified in a way that makes the world spin. Religion is something he does not subscribe to as much as he does in the logistics, but heās not a man of no faith. He has his fair share of thoughts, only to make him wonder: are my downfalls the result of a previous life? Thereās surely an answer somewhere that he cannot reach, but heās far too drunk to think about spiritualism at the moment.
What he does know is that his gut is churning uncomfortably, and he has the slightest inkling of doubt in regards to bending over the toilet in time. Thereās the garbage he can get to, but he holds it down, like heās trying to stop the dam from collapsing. āPlease, for the love of God, donāt say that,ā he throws back and tilts his own head up toward the ceiling, lips opening to inhale a deep breath. āThatās not what I needed to hear.ā Tony knows that the world doesnāt center around him, and heās perfectly fine with that. He also knows that Steve has gone through much in his own time, and he doesnāt blame the guy for having any bitter thoughts of his own, but now is not the time to rehash those thoughts. He will never understand Steveās upbringing, he will never understand what itās like to wake up in a new era after believing heād been sleeping for two seconds. Tony is not naĆÆve enough to compare himself to other people because heās been down that road more than once and itās never once ended nicely. Steve disappears toward the washroom, thank fuck, and Tony stares at the block of light that travels out of the washroom. Heās engulfed in the darkness as he always is, staring up toward the light that appears easy, yet almost somehow always out of reach.
Instead of wallowing any further, he rubs his palms over his thighs, and with a swing of momentum that may or may not end up with him projective vomiting, pushes himself up onto two feet. Ā He hasnāt taken a step yet. The sound of running water is enough to get him moving. Sober him up, change, get himself to bed...
Thereās something about this dynamic between them that has him teetering on the edge of always saying the wrong thing. It seems to be instinctual these days, wanting to insult somebody with an illusion of lies thatāll get them to leave him alone; problem is, he knows itās ineffective at best and genuinely harmful at worse. Tony is not the type of person to tear someone down in order to get to the top himselfāhe built this tower, this company, with his own two hands and his braināaside from the ineffective use of wording that is meant to push people away from this, from him. No one will understand it, nor does he expect anyone to. His problems are of his own, a burden to carry alone in this world. When people like Steve have more than enough on their own plate to take care of, the last they need is some billionaireās daddy issues or self-deprecation sitting at their feet begging to be taken care of.
How is it that, in a world of seven billion people, I can feel so alone?
Crippling thoughts rear an ugly head every so often, and Tony has to plead with his own brain to shut up. He starts to propel himself forward, toward the light, where a friend stands, waiting to help him. āIām alright, really, I can hear your brain thinkinā and Iām the drunk one.ā Would it be bad taste, now, to joke about this all over again? āIām sure you had a nice, quiet night planned for yourself. Sorry if Iāve derailed all of that. Wonāt happen again.ā Note that he refuses to say that he promises it wonāt happen again; heās had promises broken on him, and he isnāt about to be one in the same.
13 notes
Ā·
View notes
@thawedpatriot :Ā steve knows valentine's day isn't a big deal, at least not between them, but he almost forgot the holiday entirely between avengers and shield stuff, and that didn't sit right with him. so he's just gonna slip down to the lab and leave some flowers and a nice little letter there for tony. he'll always take an excuse to bring him flowers, anyways.
Tony has never been one thatās cared about Valentineās Day, mostly because he sees through the bullshit of it just being a day for people to spend money on expensive flowers, chocolates, and dinners, when everything will be cheaper the next day. Perhaps for a man with so much money he wouldnāt care, but he does for his own sake, mostly because he sees no purpose in celebrating love when it can be, well, celebrated everyday. It doesnāt mean that he shits on whoever does choose to celebrate, because frankly, itās their own prerogative, and maybe they do celebrate love everyday and just want to do something a little more special on February fourteenth. Either way, Tony doesnāt care.
Itās been a long couple of weeks anyway, time slipping between his fingers between work, work, and more work. He does enjoy it this way for the most partāit keeps him busy and distracted. Heād much rather there be time used than time wasted away, laying around doing absolutely nothing if it canāt be helped. Spending time with Steve doesnāt count as time wasted away, at least not under Tonyās personal definition of things, but they havenāt even had time to spare between the both of them beyond debriefings and going to bed (assuming Tony actually sleeps that night). Which, is the very reason that heās now passed out on the couch in his lab, blanket strewn half over the top of the couch and just barely covering Tonyās legs and feet. He doesnāt hear Steve come down, open the door, or leave the flowers on the table.
When he wakes up and scrubs at his eyes with a yawn, the blanket is now properly pulled up, and though he canāt even remember if heād tucked himself in, he has a feeling itād been Steve, anyway. Tony takes note of the bouquet of colours now on his table, and he sighs. Heāll humour the occasionāhe canāt possibly blame Steve for being a romantic on the marketed day of absolute romance. He takes a look over the note, and canāt help the small smile that spreads on his face. When he sighs again, itās a resigned kind of sigh over how hopeless this man is, and how much Tony irrevocably loves him.
2 notes
Ā·
View notes
@thawedpatriotā : Ā ā iām not ready to lose you yet. ā
not accepting :Ā Ā hit āem where it hurts.
Life is, unfortunately, never permanent. Itās a blessing though, to be able to make an impact in their lives since they wonāt be around forever. Though Steve has aged just as gracefully, he does still have the super-soldier serum running through his veins, and Tony is uncertain as to how long Steve will actually live due to this. He is, however, just a man himself, which means that his time will come to an end soon enough. Between all the chronic pain his body has suffered ever since becoming Iron Man, to the way old age has stiffened his body up further, bone density worse than itās ever been and therefore more vulnerable to accidents, it means that Tony is getting old. Heās no longer in his prime, which is, on all accounts, an unfortunate thought for himself, but hey, he looks good, heās still with Steve, and their son already their own life. The worldās safety is also in good hands, so between the two of them, Tony is happy.
Itās still nearly a foreign feeling, that, of being happy. Heās felt this way for a while now, and though he still has the days where he struggles to get out of bed, let alone pry his eyes open to face the world another day, heās grateful he has a lifelong partner at his side. Theyāve had their bumps together, and itād never been a conventional relationship given their careers at the time, but they sure made it work, and Tony is, frankly, relieved. Everything that theyāve gone through hasnāt been for naught.
Today is, however, one of those days where he doesnāt want to move from bed. His brain is all static, movements languid and often accompanied by a slow yawn. The sheets are warm, Steveās curled up right next to him, and the sunās just barely risen past the horizon. Old age has made him a sleeper, but also an early-riser, which is such a weird experience. āWell, you havenāt yet, so you donāt have to prepare.ā Not that it means he can just plan his own death, because Tony sure as hell doesnāt know when heās going to actually die, but he hopes his words can distract Steve. āI know Iām becoming a cranky old geezer, but Iām not that bad, am I?ā he muses in curiosity, brows furrowing together. He will not admit that he still has Steve carry him around sometimes (itās not his fault Steveās still got the strength). A hand rises, brushes the lock of hair away from Steveās forehead, then trails down to rub at his jaw. āIām still kickinā.ā
1 note
Ā·
View note
LETāS SEEĀ Ā ā¦Ā iĀ ruined Ā my Ā marriage,Ā drove Ā myĀ Ā bestĀ friendĀ Ā away, Ā and Ā now Ā myĀ brotherāsĀ gone Ā missing. Ā well, Ā at Ā least Ā thereās Ā no Ā one Ā around Ā to Ā tell Ā meĀ Ā IāMĀ ANĀ IDIOT.
INDEPENDENTĀ MULTIMUSEĀ WRITTENĀ BYĀ REYES !Ā Ā featuresĀ musesĀ fromĀ film / television,Ā videoĀ games,Ā andĀ originalĀ characters.
5 notes
Ā·
View notes
@thawedpatriotā :Ā Ā ā weāll see each other again. ā
not accepting :Ā hit āem where it hurts.
The war is raging on. A war that he did not want to be a part of, a war that he did not encourage to start. His kingdom has been thriving in peace ever since he became King after his parentsā deaths, and no, he has not instigated any form of rivalry before between any of the other kingdoms. People believe heās unworthy to rule, that heās too young, too naļæ½ļæ½ve, and perhaps theyāre right; Tony knows that he isnāt the perfect ruler, that heās young and unaccomplished in the grand scheme of things, but people assume that heāsĀ asked for this life.Ā He never has, and he never will, because itās a lifestyle that does not suit him and hisā¦romantic interests. There has never been a fair lady in all the lands that heās wanted to court, no matter how many he has met during fancy dinners from visiting allies. His love is his downfall, because he loves a man, and he loves the man who runs theĀ royal knights and guards,Ā someone who, according to tradition, is not fit for a King.
Tony has never been one to go by the rulebook, and thatās something that hasnāt been appreciated by many, particularly within the council. They think heās a failure, that he holds no dignity and loyalty to the Crown that heās supposed to serve as, and maybe, just maybe, theyāre right.
But itās a war, and wars donāt just end without reason. Wars mean that the knights have to leave, that they must set up camp and defend their kingdom. It means Steve has to go, because heĀ isĀ the commander, and Tony has to stay within the confines of the castle to remain safe. The thought makes him want to revolt, because prior to his parentsā death, Steve had been his personal guard. Heād been the one standing outside his chambers at night, the one who always made sure he was okay. Instead, he now had to send him off for something that Tony doesnāt even wish to be apart of, that he doesnāt believe in.
Weāll see each other again.
Some part of him perceives that as a lie.Ā āWill we?āĀ An empty promise is one that Tony has never been fond of, and though this may not be Steveās intention, he understands thatĀ warĀ changes things. It can take away either of their lives, though Steveās is mostly at risk, and itās all too selfish to ask him to stay (he knows that he wouldnāt).Ā āBecause I have a feeling thatās impossible for you to promise.ā
2 notes
Ā·
View notes
bokketoā.
Ā Ā Ā The world will end before we get actual peace and quiet, she thinks, but sheās not going to contradict him. Instead she hums noncommittally. āI canāt promise that itāll be as grand as your estateĀ āā It is, and sheās looking forward to his expression.Ā āā but it is fairly calm at the beach-side, and thereās a staff that will be happy to bring you fruit mocktails and baked goods and iced coffee. Plus, if you get awayĀ from the private beach, thereās plenty of eye candy anyway.ā
Ā Ā Ā She shoves at him affectionately, a gentle enough push considering what sheās capable of,Ā and pulls up coordinates. āIāll let you fly us out there, Mr. Rich and Magnanimous. I hardly think that SHIELD would approve of me appropriating a Quinjet for this, even if itās a good cause.ā
āAll I needed to hear was iced coffee.ā In any shape or form, coffee is the love of his life, next to cheeseburgers and a nice, hot bowl of noodles. Heās quite in love with his food, but he supposes thatās a larger question about his attachment to nostalgia and culture than it is anything, but to be fair, isnāt that what food is about? āNo need. I am the eye candy, Nat,ā he says, almost in a sing-song voice, far too confident in himself. A little too confident.
Tony all but rolls his eyes at the name, plucking at another snack before him to munch on happily. Maybe heāll die from health complications with his eating habits before Iron Man, that sure would be a turn of events. āProbably not. Private jet it is then, and Iām sure I can cook you a meal while weāre on the plane.ā No, thatās not happening. Thereās few things he can make in a jetās kitchen, and he doesnāt want to test his luck.
13 notes
Ā·
View notes
@thawedpatriot :Ā Ā ā iām real. iām here. ā
accepting :Ā hitĀ āem where it hurts.
heās not being kept in a particularly nice place, but these are villains, and bad guys donāt have the decency of providing amenities to their captives. prisoners in jail cells are better equipped than this. tonyās wrists are shackled, separate from each other, surely to keep him from finding a way to pickpocket out of them, and his shoulders and upper arms are beginning to burn with the how long heās been held up like this. heās not standing, however, just knelt down on cold concrete. dirty, too. there isnāt much light beyond the arc reactor, and the dim faint of yellow from far down the hall, but even he can tell thereās dry blood splattered across the walls that surround him. thereās no windows, and heās quite convinced theyāre underground. tony has escaped captivity once to be reborn a new man with better intentions, but this is scenario that is a bit out of his hands.
head bowed, he breathes, slow and steady, before grimacing with the thought that he may have a couple of bruised ribs. he didnāt get taken without a fight, but heās not entirely invincible as much as some people like to say he is. iron man is just the can, and tony stark is the human piloting the suit.
itās quiet around these parts. thereās very faint voices in the distance, surely the guards, who are holding conversation. they arenāt coming, tony. cāmon. he bites his tongue and prays that he wonāt die, alone and out of his suit, in some dingy underground facility. āno. theyāreāheāsācoming,ā he mumbles to himself. his voice, even as a whisper, sounds too loud for the cell heās being held in.
not everyone has a family, but tony does. the avengers are his family (pepper, happy, and rhodey, too), but he even knows that how he feels is not a representation of how the others do. and, yes, he may be in love with steve, but that doesnāt mean steve is going to save him. (GOD, HOW HE WISHES STEVE WILL SAVE HIM.) the uncertainty of being saved runs like a deep wound, a fear of abandonment and neglect from previous traumas that still haunt him to this day to his chagrin. he closes his eyes and hopes that, maybe the next time he wakes up, he wonāt be alone.
itās a bang, the clatter of metal and gunshots, bullet shells echoing as they hit the floor. tonyās alert, and fucking starving and dehydrated, but heās convinced itās them, that itās steve and nat, maybe even clint somewhere there and bruce keeping watch outsideā
the cell door is pulled off like itās nothing, and tony looks up to see the familiar figure of steve, and the relief that hits him is almost palpable, shoulders dropping as much as they physically. what if theyāre not real, tony? he curses himself, his inability to just trust that itās them, the lack of belief in his own brain that people could care about him (steve always says he cares about him), that theyād save him. and itās like steve reads his mindāof course he doesāwhen he kneels, uttering those words quietly enough for tony to hear, the warmth of steveās fingertips brushed over his cheek. fuck, this is a time he wishes steve didnāt wear those gloves, but he resists the temptation to say something incredibly uncalled for and stupid. itās no surprise when steve destroys the chains that hold tony up with the shield first before he can safely destroy the shackles themselves. his wrists are surely red and bruised from the pressure and chafing. āi should just never leave my lab. this would never happen if i stayed in my lab.ā
0 notes
&. š”š¢š āšš¦ š°š”šš«š š¢š š”š®š«šš¬ š¬šš§ššš§šš š¬ššš«ššš«š¬.
( Ā moreĀ angstĀ toĀ devastateĀ yourĀ writingĀ partners.Ā metaphorically.Ā )
ā youāre a weapon, and weapons donāt weep. ā
ā you canāt save everyone. ā
ā it should have been you. ā
ā did i do good? ā
ā iām sorry that i canāt save you. ā
ā wait for me, will you? ā
ā i canāt lose you again! ā
ā you were dead, i saw you die. ā
ā we wonāt forget each other, right? ā
ā iām real. iām here. ā
ā you already know how this will end. ā
ā itās always my fault, isnāt it? ā
ā i donāt want to go. ā
ā can you remember how you died? ā
ā i love you, but youāre not mine. ā
ā have you ever lost someone? ā
ā i didnāt ask to get made. ā
ā youāre as beautiful as the day i lost you. ā
ā i never meant to hurt you. ā
ā is it really you? ā
ā their blood is on your hands. ā
ā it would have been better to die. ā
ā iām not ready to lose you yet. ā
ā i wish i met you sooner. ā
ā letās just stay here. grow old. ā
ā youāre the first friend i ever had. ā
ā i told you not to fall in love with me. ā
ā you always push people away. i just thought youād never do it to me. ā
ā everyone iāve cared about has either died of left me. except for you. ā
ā i know i have a heart because i can feel it breaking. ā
ā theyāre not coming back. ā
ā iām sorry, have we met? ā
ā in my dreams, weāre still together. ā
ā youāre the one good thing left in this world. ā
ā i hate the way that i donāt hate you. ā
ā itās okay. you can let go. ā
ā you mean nothing to me. ā
ā weāre on our own now. ā
ā you canāt kill me, iām not alive. ā
ā it wasnāt supposed to end like this. ā
ā do you remember when we first met? ā
ā weāll see each other again. ā
ā thereās nothing you could have done. ā
ā we did it. we won. ā
ā letās not go back. not ever. ā
ā thanks for playing with me. ā
ā why does it feel like this is goodbye? ā
13K notes
Ā·
View notes
fallencomradeā.
Ā Ā Ā šš šš š ššš šššššš ššš Ā ;; Ā ššš ššššššššš šššš š
šššš.Ā Ā theĀ soldierĀ likesĀ havingĀ anĀ objectiveĀ toĀ fulfillĀ andĀ barnesĀ appreciatesĀ theĀ distraction.Ā evenĀ ifĀ itĀ doesĀ notĀ feelĀ asĀ naturalĀ -Ā usingĀ hisĀ knifeĀ toĀ cutĀ stripsĀ ofĀ bandagesĀ asĀ opposedĀ toĀ slicingĀ throughĀ flesh,Ā Ā desperatelyĀ seekingĀ toĀ salvageĀ aĀ lifeĀ insteadĀ ofĀ savagelyĀ tryingĀ toĀ endĀ one,Ā settingĀ bonesĀ insteadĀ ofĀ shatteringĀ themĀ -Ā butĀ beforeĀ heĀ wasĀ theĀ SĢ·OĢ·LĢ·DĢ·IĢ·EĢ·RĢ·,Ā Ā heĀ hadĀ beenĀ aĀ sergeantĀ servingĀ alongsideĀ aĀ bandĀ ofĀ brothersĀ duringĀ aĀ BRUTALĀ worldĀ warĀ -Ā andĀ beforeĀ theĀ sergeant,Ā heĀ hadĀ beenĀ theĀ bestĀ friendĀ ofĀ oneĀ recklesslyĀ loudmouthedĀ PUNKĀ whoĀ hadĀ quiteĀ theĀ talentĀ forĀ gettingĀ intoĀ trouble.Ā heĀ justĀ hasĀ toĀ remember,Ā likeĀ withĀ everythingĀ else.Ā thatĀ gentleĀ knowledgeĀ isĀ stillĀ here,Ā carvedĀ alongĀ theĀ linesĀ ofĀ hisĀ callousedĀ palms.Ā itĀ mightĀ notĀ beĀ hisĀ first,Ā naturalĀ instinctĀ anymoreĀ butĀ theĀ capacityĀ toĀ helpĀ stillĀ existsĀ insideĀ him ā¦Ā somewhere.Ā Ā REMEMBERĀ THAT,Ā BUCK.
Ā Ā Ā tonyāsĀ despairingĀ responseĀ toĀ hisĀ jestĀ hasĀ theĀ sniperĀ sparingĀ himĀ aĀ quickĀ glance,Ā butĀ nothingĀ more.Ā theĀ billionaireĀ didĀ notĀ botherĀ toĀ hideĀ hisĀ self - deprecatingĀ tone.Ā hisĀ wordsĀ areĀ heavyĀ withĀ miseryĀ andĀ barnesĀ recognizesĀ it.Ā Ā Ā heĀ stillĀ strugglesĀ toĀ identifyĀ mostĀ emotions,Ā bothĀ inĀ himselfĀ andĀ inĀ others,Ā butĀ jamesĀ barnesĀ recognizesĀ MISERY.Ā starkāsĀ claimĀ isĀ justĀ anĀ outrightĀ LIE.Ā maybeĀ thatĀ isĀ whatĀ theyĀ haveĀ inĀ common,Ā theirĀ sharedĀ linkĀ -Ā misery.Ā fromĀ whatĀ buckĀ hasĀ learnedĀ ofĀ starkāsĀ lifestyleĀ Ā -Ā Ā hisĀ past,Ā hisĀ veryĀ publicĀ vicesĀ -Ā andĀ basedĀ onĀ vagueĀ commentsĀ madeĀ byĀ steveĀ andĀ natasha,Ā tonyĀ walksĀ aĀ veryĀ thinĀ lineĀ betweenĀ heroismĀ andĀ SELFĀ -Ā DESTRUCTION.Ā Ā theĀ ironĀ giantĀ barrelsĀ headĀ -Ā firstĀ intoĀ deadlyĀ situationsĀ withĀ theĀ sortĀ ofĀ recklessnessĀ thatĀ tauntedĀ death.Ā starkĀ usedĀ anythingĀ atĀ hisĀ disposalĀ Ā -Ā Ā drugs,Ā alcohol,Ā women,Ā weapons,Ā fastĀ cars,Ā scandalousĀ headline.Ā buckyĀ cannotĀ claimĀ toĀ dependĀ onĀ theĀ latter,Ā butĀ heĀ knowsĀ quiteĀ wellĀ howĀ toĀ useĀ theĀ violenceĀ ofĀ battleĀ asĀ aĀ distractionĀ Ā SELF - FLAGELLATION.Ā Ā
Ā Ā Ā AN OPEN CHALLENGE TO DEATH.Ā fightĀ afterĀ fightĀ afterĀ fight.Ā movingĀ andĀ punchingĀ hisĀ wayĀ throughĀ anyoneĀ standingĀ beforeĀ him.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā killingĀ untilĀ someoneĀ comesĀ along,Ā powerfulĀ enoughĀ toĀ stopĀ him.Ā Ā heĀ doesĀ notĀ enjoyĀ this ā¦Ā work.Ā Ā savingĀ theĀ worldĀ feelsĀ asĀ stiflingĀ asĀ destroyingĀ it.Ā Ā ā butĀ heĀ doesĀ notĀ knowĀ howĀ toĀ beĀ anythingĀ else ā¦Ā heĀ doesĀ notĀ rememberĀ howĀ toāĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā so,Ā heĀ willĀ keepĀ doingĀ itĀ untilĀ itĀ DESTROYSĀ him.Ā Ā
Ā Ā Ā theyĀ areĀ bothĀ justĀ waitingĀ andĀ holdingĀ theirĀ breath,Ā untilĀ theĀ liveĀ wireĀ runningĀ downĀ theirĀ spinesĀ reachesĀ theirĀ coreĀ Ā -Ā Ā andĀ EXPLODES.Ā Ā Ā butĀ atĀ leastĀ nowĀ Ā -Ā Ā heĀ isĀ doingĀ someĀ good -Ā right ?Ā Ā Ā itĀ hasĀ toĀ accountĀ forĀ something.Ā Ā Ā buckyĀ isĀ prettyĀ certainĀ starkĀ laysĀ awakeĀ atĀ nightĀ andĀ thinksĀ theĀ veryĀ sameĀ thing.Ā Ā
Ā Ā Ā theyĀ areĀ cooperatingĀ forĀ nowĀ andĀ barnesĀ takesĀ noteĀ ofĀ theĀ otherāsĀ comments.Ā heĀ isĀ lessĀ concernedĀ aboutĀ theĀ brokenĀ ankle,Ā moreĀ concernedĀ aboutĀ theĀ conditionĀ ofĀ hisĀ lowerĀ respiratory.Ā Ā Ā ifĀ theyĀ areĀ lucky,Ā theĀ painĀ isĀ thanksĀ toĀ aĀ fewĀ fracturedĀ ribsĀ orĀ aĀ crackedĀ sternumĀ -Ā andĀ nothingĀ essentialĀ hasĀ beenĀ compromised,Ā butĀ internalĀ injuriesĀ canĀ beĀ misleadingĀ andĀ theyĀ canĀ onlyĀ obtainĀ soĀ muchĀ informationĀ aboutĀ hisĀ conditionĀ byĀ physicalĀ examinationĀ alone.Ā Ā Ā
Ā Ā Ā heĀ pivots,Ā shiftingĀ toĀ faceĀ tonyĀ -Ā knifeĀ inĀ handĀ -Ā andĀ freezes.Ā buckyĀ seesĀ theĀ sceneĀ beforeĀ himĀ asĀ ifĀ watchingĀ fromĀ aboveĀ andĀ itĀ startlesĀ him.Ā tonyĀ prone,Ā beatenĀ andĀ bloodyĀ onĀ theĀ ground,Ā andĀ himĀ -Ā theĀ winterĀ soldierĀ -Ā standingĀ overĀ him,Ā holdingĀ aĀ knife.Ā hisĀ throatĀ tightensĀ andĀ heĀ staggersĀ toĀ anĀ awkward,Ā clunkyĀ stopĀ -Ā likeĀ someĀ rustyĀ machineĀ fritzingĀ out.Ā itĀ takesĀ himĀ aĀ discernableĀ momentĀ toĀ regainĀ someĀ ofĀ hisĀ composureĀ andĀ theĀ firstĀ thingĀ heĀ doesĀ afterĀ someĀ rapidĀ blinking,Ā isĀ lowerĀ theĀ knifeĀ backĀ toĀ hisĀ side.Ā starkĀ hasĀ onĀ aĀ bodyĀ suitĀ -Ā saturatedĀ inĀ bloodĀ andĀ sweatĀ -Ā andĀ inĀ orderĀ toĀ assessĀ theĀ damage,Ā heĀ needsĀ toĀ cutĀ awayĀ theĀ garment.Ā thatĀ willĀ requireĀ aĀ tremendousĀ amountĀ ofĀ TRUSTĀ thoughĀ Ā Ā -Ā Ā Ā andĀ heĀ doesĀ notĀ thinkĀ theyĀ areĀ thereĀ justĀ Ā yet ā¦Ā
Ā Ā Ā clearingĀ hisĀ throat,Ā heĀ takesĀ inĀ aĀ deep,Ā slowĀ inhale.Ā Ā Ā ā Ā toĀ getĀ aĀ look,Ā iĀ needĀ toĀ cutĀ awayĀ theĀ materialĀ ofĀ yourĀ bodysuit.Ā āĀ Ā obviously,Ā aĀ pairĀ ofĀ scissorsĀ wouldĀ lookĀ farĀ lessĀ THREATENING,Ā butĀ aĀ serratedĀ bladeĀ heĀ hasĀ usedĀ inĀ theĀ pastĀ toĀ plungeĀ intoĀ aĀ manāsĀ eyeĀ andĀ throughĀ hisĀ skullĀ isĀ allĀ heĀ has ā¦Ā Ā still,Ā heĀ willĀ notĀ doĀ anythingĀ unlessĀ tonyĀ givesĀ himĀ theĀ permissionĀ toĀ doĀ so.
in his youth, he never feared sleep. in fact, he didnāt even fear life. he lost his parents and had a company to run, but it somehow made him brave. the courage came from the loss, out of necessity. i had to be strong. STARK MEN ARE MADE OF IRON. (fuck, he canāt get that stupid phrase out of his head. itās a loop, repeating over and over, especially in moments of rawness.) funny, now that he thinks about it. so much of his life has been survival out of necessity, and perhaps, luck. he canāt recall the last time he felt like he was really living. maybe when he first put the suit on, flying through the sky and feeling invincible despite the lack of air flow and weight to his entire body. he only thinks of this, now, when it feels as if his life is ending slowly before his very eyes; but heās had so many encounters with near-death in more ways than the violence that comes with being a āheroā that he doesnāt hold his breath. many might be afraid of death, but tony stark? no, not anymore, not really. heās grown more weary as time runs on, and though his flashy smiles and fancy suits of a seemingly luxurious and perfect life are what the world sees, he has long since given up on the eyes that stare him down for being a rich man with everything. money buys a lot, but it will never buy him the life he really desiresāāwhatever that is.
right now, however, he wonders about his own funeral: what kind of grandeur itāll be, or how many people will crash it to spit on the dirt covering his coffin. he wonders if, once he goes to sleep, how many people will find relief in his death. it has never been a question as to how many people heās hurt over the years of his own ignorance and arrogance. he clung too closely onto his own mask, turned a blind eye, when so many people could have saw him as a leader. heās been called many names over his lifespan, but the merchant of death will always have its grip on him. no, none of these are pleasant thoughts, but he isnāt in a situation that offers him the chance to think about any happiness to begin with. whatever he can think of is enough of a reprieve from the pain that throbs in his side, in his ankle, and to be currently treated by the person who put an end to his parentsāā
(itās the past, itās the past. thereās nothing to do about that, or what he did. YOUāRE A MURDERER, TOO.)
tony heaves a sigh and promptly regrets it, gritting his teeth. sleep. he wants to go to sleep more than anything, hoping heāll wake up to find that everything is a bad dream, to escape whatever suffering heās currently experiencing, but no matter what he thinks about, no matte what he can do in his current state, heās not oblivious to his own wishful thinking being nothing but that, a wish. completely useless. what am i to do? he sits there, unmoving aside from the slow and steadyādebatable on thatābreaths heās been subconsciously forcing himself to take.
adolescent tony stark would not have believed him if he told him heād one day become iron man. it would all be brushed aside to imagination, to nothing more than a joke. superheroesā¦theyāreāheāsānot much for being one, these days. attention not being paid to the negative comments and coverage of iron man and tony stark doesnāt mean that he isnāt aware of them. that is, the one thing, heās grown up with. he knows how they function, he knows the headlines they write up to stir controversy to get buys, clicks, whatever the hell fuels their money-scheming corporations. yet he knows, once upon a time, he wasnāt all that different from them, and he certainly never denied or refuted the egregious claims against certain parts of his character.
he just happens to be āTHE HEROā now, a term he doesnāt like to associate with as much as it seems like he does. perhaps heās proven his worth, time and time again, to fight alongside the avengers, the second he diverted a nuke from new york, but he knows that one, or a few, good deeds does not cancel all the bad. tony did not grow up particularly religious, but he does remember soft-spoken words about buddhism from his mother. what bad youāve done does not negate the good, and vice versa. itās a collection of karma for your next life. well, the upside is maybe in his next life, heāll get to do better. the downside is that there is a next life, and all the bad karma heās got will come tunnelling back toward him (I DESERVE IT). he will not remember this, being tony stark, but maybe, in a way, thatās a good thing.
what kind of next life will bucky have? just in this one, heās already lived two lives. bucky barnes, best friend of steve rogers, a veteran of war. then the winter soldier, a trained assassin, a ghost story.
despite the aching desire to close his eyes and let his mind wander, he watches the way that darkness before him shift. he hears the subtleties of fabric fold and move. he hears bucky breathing, hears him stop. tony tilts his head upward and looks at the man before him, knife at his side. thatād be an interesting way to die. he understands that itās not the intention to terrify him, itās a matter of working what what they have. tony doesnāt make it a priority to carry around any medical supplies aside from what lives in his suit, but without it functioning, itās very much rendered useless. just like the man that he is, because heās a human being, playing among gods and super soldiers and trained agents. āokay,ā he sighs. āthen get on with it.ā if there is an ulterior motive, then good on bucky. if not, itās not as if they have much of a choice in the matter. tony stark has no choice in the matter, that is. TO TRUST OR TO DIE.
19 notes
Ā·
View notes