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I need to be aware when I’m just talking shit about myself and just stop. I mean I’m joking or being sarcastic but maybe it’s lowkey shaping my life. I don’t know.

Someone called me out on it the other day and it’s been bothering me.

Things have been getting better. I’m still climbing.

I really just want to survive the rest of my time at the command and move on.

I want to finish to the big twenty and retire. I stay way too long to just get beat and quit. I missed out on a lot of things with my family and my friends.

And it’s been just tough having a relationship so i gave up on it.

I just hope life is still going to be great in my forties. Fuck. LOL!

I know it’s a number but I honestly don’t look forward to it next year.

I did a great job taking care of my body and appearance but damn. Fuckin’ time just keeps ticking.

#jll

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I love the original too. This is just catchy and gives me upbeat vibes.

#djdstrukt #anita baker #SoundCloud

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@53:52 Beanie Siegel - Wanted (Madlib Remix)

When I restore my hard drive from the Napster days I’m going to get this damn bootleg saved first.

#madlib #beanie Siegel #Youtube

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Last one for today, I promise. I recently charged up my iPod from a decade ago. Made me happy to hear all these old songs lol.

#j dilla #talib kweli #Spotify

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#jaylib #percee p #madlib #j dilla #Spotify

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#yak #The conspiracy #weathermen #Spotify

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#dag savage #jimetta rose #SoundCloud

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My life has been declining. Not sure if it’s being in the Navy or the drinking but it has been affecting being at work, my motivation to do shit on my own, and my relationships with others.

I just feel so tired and I don’t want to deal with it.

I’m doing my best to climb back up.

For now, I’m going to lay low and focus on what I can change.

Hopefully when I get out this fuckin’ command things will be better. If not, I’m getting out of the Navy and join the reserves. It’s okay for me to receive retirement for the military later on. At least, I can enjoy what’s left of my forties doing another career and plan what my life’s going to be like for the coming years. I’ll probably make more than my current paygrade.

I think if I continue to stay in and feel this way, it’s going to be harmful to myself, the Navy and those around me.

I want create what my day will look like. I’m tired of putting fires that aren’t part of my agenda i or shit to do. It takes up a lot of my time and I’m constantly playing catch up with the work that needs to be done.

I don’t enjoy baby sitting other adults and telling them what to do. Leadership isn’t my thing even if people believe I’m good at it. I enjoy helping people but there’s a limit.

The benefits and the paycheck is great but the bullshit is costing me my mental. I don’t have the patience for it anymore. I joined to be an IT. I don’t like the other shit I’m obligated to do. “Take care of Sailors and be on top of admin”. Fuck you.

And the listing for my rank isn’t looking promising. I might be finding myself more internally angry.

I don’t believe I can be in a relationship while I’m active duty. My job doesn’t allow me to give my 100%. I’m on call and I can never explain it.

Man, I miss being a teenager or young adult before the Navy. Oh well. I believe it’s time to figure it how I can be at peace now.

I’m thankful I’m still alive and in decent health. Time to head into work.

#jll

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#jean grae #SoundCloud

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#the kooks #Spotify

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#esta #sunni colon #SoundCloud

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#kaytranada #craig david #Spotify

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Man. WTF just found one of my buddies passed away. I just met him last year. One of the nicest people I met Damn I feel so sad. Dave, I’ll miss you man. Your dry sense of humor was one of a dry.

#jll

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This was stuck in my head but I couldn’t figure out the title for the last two days.

#esta #jmsn #SoundCloud

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Week is finally over. I’m beat. I want to go out and socialize with non military MFs but last weekend my locals friends just annoyed TF outta me with their drama.

I want to meet a new crowd who are chill. I don’t know what is up with the people I spend my off time with. I don’t get involved with their bs but it’s just bleh. And if they ask for my help/advice they don’t listen so they get themselves into shit.

I’m exhausted with fixing problems left and right. I don’t even have anyone to vent with.

#jll