flower-blooming-in-hell

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

quick update for anyone who ends up reading these! i no longer use tumblr unless im looking for art, and i no longer reblog anything. i dont spend any time on here anymore, moved to a diff platform :) trying to limit my time on social media more anyways, i want to be more fully present in life!

ive been feeling a lot better recently !! my hives are kicking my ass but im processing a lot of things better as of recently lol

i really REALLY love my new bf <3<3<3 its ... weird. feeling stable and secure. i feel like i really deserve him too! which is new lol. i love how we're on the same page on everything, and communicate so well, and are so compatible, and just kjsdfhkjfh i love him !!!!!!

i recently realized that ... i think an issue in my past relationships was people forcing what they wanted me to be onto me, even if not on purpose. i'm very suggestible, which i need to figure out coping mechanisms for. but i feel seen here, fully. and it makes me happy to have clear boundaries! it's a very interesting feeling, finally unfurling a little and allowing myself to take up space (and being encouraged to him). i like it. i like him.

also thinking abt getting some adhd medication lol! i got diagnosed with it recently and well. im mad i didnt get diagnosed sooner, it explains so much about me!!

i'm still kinda paranoid about coming across my abuser somehow, but i feel so much more secure even just this far out from having contacted them. no contact is truly addicting skjdfhsjkfh. hypervigilance is a massive bitch though

ive decided i just want to move on and be happy :) which i decided a long time ago but have been officially putting into practice recently

#personal thing #kinda positive vent? #i feel happy and hopeful

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

wow. they deleted the og blog that hyde had and privated the og one they had. TOTALLY doesnt speak of a guilty conscience. i hope you die

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

"If you were never loved by me, then nevertheless you were loveable to me."

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

also i think ive moved on from tumblr tbh

i get on here for fandom stuff i cant find elsewhere but thats about it

plus obvi. vent blog. idk where else to put it

im still not really going to be on tumblr a lot, im trying to minimize my time spent online (most of my time is spent staring at youtube or tandem reading/listening to novels)

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

im still not really going to be on tumblr a lot, im trying to minimize my time spent online (most of my time is spent staring at youtube or tandem reading/listening to novels)

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

its like. idk. feels more peaceful . kind of a healing sort of feeling

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

i actually feel better now?

had a good cry and like . idk. i feel more at peace

reminding myself to untense repeatedly and sit with my emotions really helps process things i think

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

its kinda funny that all it took was me projecting onto a fictional character and seeing a video of him getting told that it wasnt his fault either

#i need to continue reading that novel ... #im gonna cry so much

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

i think ... ive finally really hit the "i genuinely didnt deserve this, and it wasnt my fault that i was abused" point

or like ... the difference between knowing and *knowing*

i think i finally *know* now

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

it wasnt my fault. it really wasnt. i just wanted to be loved. i never asked for this. i did my best. it wasnt wrong to assume i would be treated kindly. its not my fault or an inherent failing on my part that they didnt. that was their own decision.

i shouldnt have to be frightened away by the idea that they might exist near me if i happen upon an interest they share. im allowed to enjoy things, without regard or thought for them. they are no longer part of my life. they do not matter. i will never speak to them again.

one day i wont think about them at all anymore.

i loved them, and i still do. that does not change anything, and it doesnt dull the pain any less. one day i wont think about them at all.

it wasnt my fault. it wasnt my fault. it wasnt my fault.

it wasnt my fault that they couldnt love me. that they refused to love me. that they wouldnt love me.

they genuinely dont matter in the long run. i will live decades longer and they will not be a part of any of it. i will make new friends. i will learn to stop hating and disliking myself.

i deserved better. i didnt deserve this. it wasnt my fault.

it wasnt my fault that they sexually abused me. it wasnt my fault that they gaslit and emotionally abused me afterwards. it wasnt my fault that they mindgamed me into breaking up with them. it wasnt my fault that they got over me so quickly.

they dont deserve any of my thoughts.

it wasnt my fault. i didnt deserve this.

they shouldve known better.

#affirmations

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

might b leaving social media forever btw lol

it just stresses me out so . shrug

also im not a big fan of getting stalked and seeing my ex like a post of mine a month ago rlly freaked me tf out

n its not like i have friends on here anyways! so :) may as well delete a stress source and disappear into the ether

#might end up making another tumblr further seperated from my identity to reblog stuff tho #unfortunately a lot of good selfship stuff is on tumblr

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

tbh i hope my ex has to deal w the feeling of knowing they will NEVER get to know me personally again and will never get to interact with me again

i was never going to leave!! genuinely!! i fully believed they were a good person and that everyone else was wrong

legit all they had to do to keep me was treat me better on a more longterm basis and they wouldve had me forever. never leaving. always by their side. unless they directly told me to gtfo

#they rlly have nobody to blame but themselves if they end up all alone #i was willing to forgive them if theyd showed even an ounce of genuine apology or genuine care for me

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

oh this makes like... 4 now i think

has another ptsd episode lol

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

on a completely sep note my nephew is visiting and i love them but im very tired of having ppl in my space and would like to be alone now

#love them!! very dearly!! #but im all peopled out #i wanna sleep the week away #also i feel moody #which could either be the ptsd #my period #or both

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

YOU EVER EAT UR FUCKING WORDS

its very funny of me tht ari (when i still talked to them) said we were mutually toxic when like. im sitting here having slept the entire day away bc of a ptsd episode while they probably arent thinking abt me at all

#lays on floor #WOOOOO MY PTSD EPISODE JUST SLAMMED BACK INTO ME FULL FORCE