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I miss you.

I still miss you.

I'm tired of missing you.

I wish I hadn't realized how much I actually still miss you.

#for no one to read #breakup #heartbreak #i miss you #i miss us

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One year ago we celebrated your 30th birthday. I was so excited to share with you that special day. I put so much effort so you could have the perfect celebration. Little did I know you were struggling to stay in love with me. I wish I could have known that, maybe it would not have been so painful to have you end things after having us celebrate your birthday then a week later my birthday. There is still a part of me that hates you for this, and clearly I'm not over the break up. It's almost a year later and I'm still here writing things I want to say to you. I am doing so much better but the hurt is coming back so much this month.

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My ex texted me today asking how I was. This is the reply I wanted to send but didn't.

"I'm really debating on how I should answer this, first off it was another debate as to whether or not to even reply. But I am curious why you are reaching out now. It will be a year in 4 months since you broke us up. Maybe you're over everything already and think we should be friends. Whatever the reason is, I'm still working on healing from everything you did to me and everything that came after the breakup. So I can't answer your question on how I am, because I am not going to lie and say I'm fine but I also am not going to explain myself.

So I ask you this, what do you want from me? I've deleted the pictures of us, I've blocked you on social media, I am doing better with not thinking about you, if only I would stop dreaming about you. And if only I could block your number, and now I feel I must do for my own well being. Even if I told myself not blocking your number would not be a bad thing, now I think I must."

I hate he still makes me feel weak, and I hate I still feel like replying and also know I should just block his number but I don't know what is holding me back.

#for no one to read #breakup #heartbreak

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“Do not confuse my bad days as a sign of weakness. Those are actually the days I’m fighting the hardest.”

— Unknown

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Never beg anyone for anything, not time, not attention, not love – nothing. If it's always one-sided and it doesn't flow that's your sign to let it go.

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“I just want to be with someone who doesn’t disappear when love gets tough.”

— j. iron word

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I know I still love you because I'm still hating you. When I no longer hate you I will have stopped loving you.

#for no one to read #breakup #heartbreak #i miss you #better here than a text #i miss us

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You’re still in my life, even if you don’t think you are. You’re in every show you told me about. You’re in every book you love. You’re in every song you sang. I won’t pretend I don’t miss you. I see you in everything that we once shared.

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Small steps are steps, I agree on have to do the math to figure out how long ago it happened. Before I just knew cause I was keeping count. Some days all the feelings of the break up come back but we just have to keep going.

Recovery isn't linear. Nobody ever pretended it was. I'm not going to say any bullshit about finding the perfect somebody that will make you feel happy it didn't work out with the one that broke your heart. But give it time, and you'll find ways to feel less lonely. You might get a pet to dote on. You might begin to consider someone else your best friend.

The void starts to get filled with whatever you choose to fill it with, but some days the void feels more empty than others.

For me, most days now are better than most days 4 months ago. Just now, I had to do the math of how long ago it happened. That feels like progress to me. I use to keep count of the days and then the weeks.

Things won't get perfect. Not every day will be better than the day before. You'll still get shitty days. But eventually the shitty days feel a little less shitty and a little father between.

One day things will be even better. One day I'll be able to go weeks and months without thinking about him. Sure, up until now I haven't even gone half a day without thinking about him. But I used to want to unalive myself over him everyday. In the past month or so, I've only felt that way once and for only a few minutes.

Progress isnt linear, but don't feel like you aren't making it.

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