freckledhell-blog
what the fuck
im a model and i have a lot of first world problems so this is where i complain
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for the first time i think i am absolutely brimming w/ genuine self love and looking forward to the near future
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i actually really liked being a troll
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i wonder if id be worth something to people
#inbirb#if my face were uglier#if i cut or burned it#until someone couldnt call me dave anymore#let alone pretty
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im sorry
#inbirb#im sorry#im jsut doi gn my best#i never wante it to hurt anybody#but i can T tag my fucking best as immodesty i cant do that#i cant not be proud of the only thing im worth
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nah. but nah
#inbirb#'as a model'#i get fucking objectified#i get over feminized because of my frame#because of whats between my legs#i get veiwed like a manniquen#like a piece of meat#like an oject to display#i exist to make people feel awful about themselves#the fact that existing made you feel awful about yourself#you#who shares some vague fingerprint of ectoplasm with me#you who is better in all of the ways i am NOT#you who is so close to people that i love#the fact that by existing and trying to love myself#i make you feel unsafe#is not okay#how did my job get that close to my home#how did my job get in the way of my personal life like that#how did i bring that shit back to my life and my relatioships#just by fucking E X I S T I N G#i am just trying to be recognized as a person#and not a soulless object#and the only way ive ever been consistantly appraised is this way#and im sorry that it hurts you
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its amazing im not choking from how far i managed to shove my foot in my mouth just now
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i dont know what i want
#inbirb#i want to Stop#existing#but i dont want to die#i dont want to be dead#i just want to stop existing#i want to go back in time and be a dave that didnt throw himself into a crowspritw#i want to be a dave that still knows who he is#i want to be a dave that doesnt cry over his identity for the 5billionth time#as if there are hardly any out there#like yeah ok i get having an existential crisis because there are too many of us#but have you been literally called the fake dave#have you been called not real#have you had to give up your relationships so that the more valid version of yourself can make the people you love happier than you ever co#i dont fucking think so#so next time anybody directs their insecurities my way they're getting a face full of fuck you
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i dont
#inbirb#the only people i dont feel like an expandable resource to#im not enough for#im an intruder in lives they already have#when have i not been though#when have i not been a cutout#or a stand in#or a bandage#for someone#for him#i havent been my own person since i was 13 years old#i wasnt my own person then even still#i just looked like one#i got to look like my own person for maybe two years total#when i was a child#im not even dave#im daveSPRITE#i am a vague water mark of who i could have been#once was even#my entire identity is fucking dissolving into the void#i dont want to talk to them#other daves#REAL daves#but im a nice fucking person#everybody elses identity is more important#more sacred#filled with more potential than my own#who am i even ither than my hobbies and my job#im nothing#im fucking nothing
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i live to serve?
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