freedpheonix

[freedpheonix]

If You Can't Beat 'em, Join 'em

The first time I spent the night at his dad's, it was when his dad was out of town camping. I had a migraine and he said he had something that would get rid of it. He told me it was like a Vicoden and instead of me swallowing it, he crushed it up because he said it would work faster. I sniffed it. It tool the pain away within a few minutes, I was so relieved and I felt a little good. I didn't realize it was 20mg of Oxycontin.

I had experimented in high school with a couple things but I never cared for them. I was the person at parties that pretended to be drunk because I didn't like drinking. My best friends were mostly "goody-goodies" so it wasn't a lifestyle I was around, hence my naiveté. I became curious the more I was around him. After giving me that small piece for my migraine, I started to wonder what it would be like to inject it. I barely mentioned my curiosity before he was eagerly loading up a spoon and rig with more Oxy. My gut said no but my curiosity said fuck it. I couldn't do it myself so he did it for me. The rush was unlike anything I'd ever felt before. Now I understood. I laid down in bed and felt like I was drifting on a cloud, slightly euphoric and weightless. I rode out the high for a little while and then I had a migraine. I threw up more than I've ever thrown up. My guts were a mess and even Imitrex wasn't touching the pain in my head. My body did NOT like that one bit. The bad outweighed the good and I vowed to not ever do that again.

Over time, I started to become more privy to his sneaky ways, I knew when he took too long in the bathroom he wasn't shitting. I knew when he said he was "going for a walk" that he was meeting his dealer down the street. I did my best to avoid conflict and not confront him but I hated that lifestyle and thought he could be better. We started fighting more and more about his drug use. He was on almost 150mg of Methadone at this point and he was still using. He started getting more into Benzodiazepines (Valium, Xanax, klonipin) because they made his high last longer but he got scarier with those. He'd forget he just took some and take more. He would go into a psychosis. One night I was telling him he already had too much and he threw me into the wall and spit in my face. I hit my head pretty hard. I curled up into a ball and cried myself to sleep. The next morning he was acting like nothing happened and couldn't understand why I was flinching when he got close. When I mentioned what he did, he had no recollection and did the same old apology, he was sorry, he'd never do it again, promised that was the last time he'd use those. He seemed so remorseful that I believed he wouldn't do that again.

But he did. The more we argued about his drug use, the worse it became. A shove here, a little punch in the arm there. Always followed by the same apologies and promises.

The longer we were together, the more lazy he got with hiding his infidelity. One day he was talking to other girls while he was sitting next to me. I asked who it was and he immediately got angry, defensive, and told me I was jealous and controlling and he's allowed to have friends. There I go again with the guilt, I didn't want to seem controlling or jealous. But later that day when he nodded out with his phone open, I decided to snoop. You know what they say, when you go looking in the shadows....

He had at LEAST 100 messages to random girls. A lot of them didn't even respond to his advances but some did and they'd sent nudes back and forth and apparently had met up a few times... Some of those times were when I was waiting at Nana's for him to show up and he was out with someone else. I felt disgusting. All I wanted to do was go home, I didn't want to be near him. It was like the floor came out from under my feet. I knew he had issues but add sex addict to the list... I confronted him, smashed his phone, and that was the first time he threw something at me. He raged and broke stuff, pushed me around, and smashed his own head into the wall and made a hole. It was crazy chaos. I just wanted to go home. He drove me home, the long car ride was mostly silent, except when he started nodding out at the wheel and I had to wake him up. He dropped me off and when he left I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. A lot of things changed that day.

I ended up moving in with my daughters grandparents again (I lived with them in high school) and enrolled in school for my CNA and CMA. He did his usual apology and started to put in more effort, so much effort that it was believable that he wouldn't cheat again. We got closer and things seemed great for a while. Then one day I was at the doctor's for birth control and SURPRISE. The pregnancy test was positive. I was NOT ready for that. We were in a better place but we didn't live together nor on our own. I made the choice to keep the baby and we moved in to his dad's together.

The more I got to know his dad, the more I realized he only was controlling because he wanted his son to act right. If his dad cared about you, he did everything he could for you. Things were really looking up, despite everything good I still had a constant, nagging anxious feeling. I just shoved it down and kept going..... Little did I know it was going to get much worse.

#substance abuse #narcissistic abuse #abuse survivor #it gets better

[freedpheonix]

So Many Signs

I should have listened. I should have listened to my mother and other friends and family when they told me they didn't like him and something wasn't right with him. Instead, I got overly defensive. Growing up I always thought my mom was "judgy" about other people, but now that I'm an adult with my own kids I know she was ALWAYS right. I wish I'd listened.

He made me believe he was truly a victim. That he was a good person and people just judged him for no reason and that he'd had a hard life. He convinced me his dad was controlling and mean and everyone was out to get him. I thought I could make it better. I thought I was a good person for seeing the light in the dark. It ended up just being the devil holding the torch to guide me to Hell.... Sounds so dramatic, but it's true. I got sucked in, despite all the signs, despite my gut feeling and my brain telling me it was wrong. The toxic dance of an empath and a narcissist.

We weren't together long and I had to move out of my apartment and in with my grandparents. They lived over an hour away from him and our relationship turned long-distance. I gradually heard from him less-and-less. He always had excuses why he couldn't visit me. Always blamed his father for not allowing him to come out, made up fake car problems, and more. He visited once every 2-3 months. He would say he was on his way out in the morning and not show up until 8 o'clock at night or later. Kept making up excuses about errands and stuff that kept him late. By the time he got there, he'd sit on the couch and nod out in front of everyone from the Methadone, then he had to leave in the early morning so he would make it in time for his next dose. I genuinely don't know what I was thinking back then. I felt out-of-control and constant anxiety about the relationship. I knew in my gut he was cheating with others but couldn't prove it. Then came the day I found out he changed his Facebook status to "single" after I hadn't heard from him for a week. He didn't say a word to me. Just started seeing someone else. Turned out, she was in her late thirties. She was almost 17 years older than him. I was devastated. A week later, I found out I was pregnant. I messaged and told him and his mother ended up messaging me about it. Then he started to threaten me, he said he wished I was dead and I was fat and ugly. He said a lot of disgusting things to me. He said when he saw me he was going to slit my throat and make sure there was no baby. There were a lot of nasty things said by he and his mother. I had to just avoid him and prepare to be a young, single mom of two. Weeks went by and I didn't have anything to do with him. I'd blocked him on social media and deleted his number. One day, out of the blue, he messaged me asking when he could see me to give me back some of movies. I was just starting to feel better and was happy with him out of sight, out of mind. It's like a radar went off that I was losing interest. I ignored that message, instead I got in touch with his mom about getting the rest of my stuff back. Again he messaged me asking why I talked to his mom and not him. He played innocent, saying I could still talk to him. I continued to ignore him. I focused on me and my daughter and trying to heal and grow... He kept texting randomly a hi here or there. One day he messaged me saying how sorry he was and how much he missed me. He said all the right things and I answered him back pretending to be indifferent. He feigned hurt. Me responding to him allowed him to work his way back in, and I thought things would be better. Hahaha. Ah. I really thought it would be better...

It was a few days later it was his birthday. He was acting distant again. Ignoring my messages, making up excuses about him being busy. He hadn't made any effort to visit me and we still weren't officially back together. He had added me back on Facebook and I was scrolling through my timeline and guess what I happened upon... lol he was "in a relationship" with that older woman. After sucking me back in and telling me we were getting back together. Again, I was blindsided. Deep in my gut, I knew he was still being shady but being the king manipulator he was he kept me where he wanted me. Before I confronted him, I sent her a message telling her what happened, how he said he was getting back with me all the while being with her and that I was pregnant. Next thing I knew, he was sending me angry and cruel messages about how I'm psychotic and he was never getting back with me again because I ruined his f***ing birthday. I was stupid, I was a liar, I was a psycho wh*re. It was all my fault that he wasn't going to talk to me again, etc... Again, he messed up and I was made to feel like I caused the problem. I knew it wasn't my fault and yet my brain still made me feel like it was.

I went back to getting used to the idea of being a single mom of two again. Got refocused, and started doing better. A little over a month goes by and I was healing. Here he comes again out of the blue asking how we are doing. I ignored him more, he messaged again. It's like the more I ignored him, the more of a challenge it was for him and he tried harder. I made the mistake of responding. Tried to act indifferent, like I didn't care. He tried harder. And thus, I got sucked in again with that apology. All the words he knew I wanted to hear. What an idiot.

At this point, I was starting to get spotting. A little bit, it wasn't much so I didn't think anything of it because I'd had some with my first daughter and she was born healthy. I went to go visit with my daughters family who had become my family. He didn't like that I was close with them despite all they'd done for me over the years. It wasn't about my daughter's father, we had really become family. He didn't see it that way. He came to pick me up and take me to stay at his father's while his father wasn't there. I had to leave before his father got home. He said he didn't want his dad to ask questions after all the drama between us and that he wanted to break it to his parents slowly that we were back together. Part of me agreed.

My grampy came to pick me up and bring me back home. The bleeding was starting to be slightly more than spotting but still wasn't a lot so I prayed and hoped it was nothing. Later that evening, I was sitting at the kitchen table with my Nana, cousin, and cousins boyfriend. I bent over to pet the dog and the blood just gushed out of me. It was like you see in the movies, and was horrifying for me. My grandmother helped me clean up and her and grampy brought me to the ER. It was confirmed, I'd had a miscarriage. I'd had a miscarriage when I was younger, before my first daughter. It was nothing like that one. It was worse. Maybe because this time I was 11 weeks and the first time I was only about 8 weeks along. Either way, it really depressed me. I didn't get pregnant on purpose, but once I was pregnant I was hoping it would help change him and make him better. When I told him what happened all he said was he was sorry. Didn't try to comfort me, didn't take it serious. He didn't even seem sad, I have no doubt he was relieved. And that realization hurt more..

Like I said before, looking back I feel so stupid. If my daughters were in this type of situation I'd be so upset and do everything to protect them. Granted I defended him, no one knew the true darkness because I loved him and it was humiliating for me. There's a true psychological explanation for this behavior but I can't help but feel like I could have done better for myself no matter how well it can be explained scientifically. It literally changes the hippocampus and amygdala parts of your brain. I know that, but I still feel guilt for not being "smarter." Even though I'm healthy now and have a good life and learned a HUGE lesson from this, I'm not sure that guilt will ever go away..

Stayed tuned, this is just barely beginning.

#empathandthenarcissist #abuse survivor #it gets better #narcissistic abuse

[freedpheonix]

Back to the Beginning

It was September. I was 19 and fresh out of a serious on-again-off-again 4 year relationship. I was devastated, we had a child together and we were really young and he had left me for someone else. I was vulnerable and lonely and just wanted to be loved. All I ever wanted was to be loved. I should have taken time for myself, to live and grow on my own... But again, I was young and dumb and had no clue what I was getting myself into.

I started texting a kid that was my "boyfriend" in 5th grade... He used to chase me and other girls around the playground and one day I had a shirt on that said, "BOYS ARE LIARS," and he said, "That's right, I'm breaking up with you." LOL. We were 10, it was nothing serious but definitely something to laugh about 9 years later. I had my own apartment, he still lived with his father. One of the first things he said was, "I love a woman that already has her own place." .... Like duh. That was my first red flag. Weird thing to say....

He ended up coming over to visit after work. I had 3 other friends over and he wanted me to walk him to the door alone but I was nervous. Something in my gut was telling me something wasn't right. The second he walked in the door he was already mad because I took "too long" coming downstairs. Anyway, I had one of my friends come with me and he got mad at her and made a mean comment about her following me like a puppy and said I didn't need a babysitter. She ended up leaving us alone and my brain was just screaming at me that he was bad. I wasn't comfortable, I genuinely felt like I was in danger. But I ignored it because, other than his weird anger that barely surfaced, I didn't see why I felt that way. He kissed me goodnight and left. From then on, he came back almost every night and eventually ended up just staying with me all the time. My 2 year old daughter was iffy with him. At first she didn't like him... I should have paid attention to that, kids and animals are the best judges of character... but she warmed up to him quickly.

When he was staying with me, he was telling his father that he was at his mother's and asking his mother to lie for him, which was weird but he had me convinced his dad was overbearing and wanted to control everything he did, so I let that go....

A few weeks later, he was going through an old laptop case that he had filled with several ounces of weed... He told me he sold weed and a lot of it. Honestly, I thought he was just trying to sound "cool" to me and didn't really believe him. I just thought he was a pothead... He told me he was going out hunting and would be back in a few hours. Later that night, I got a call from a friend that said he drove by him and he was being arrested.. He got caught selling weed. I had no idea how to handle that, I'd never been around all of that before.. I had smoked with my friends but never seen that much weed or been around criminals.. Everything in me knew he was bad news... and I STILL STUPIDLY ignored all the alarms... because I just wanted to be loved. His parents posted his bail and his mom made him stay with her instead of staying with me to make sure he stayed out of trouble. When he finally came to spend the night a few nights later, I had another red flag... He kept me up all night tossing and turning because he was sweating and in pain because he had missed his dose and was in withdrawal. At this point he had switched from Suboxone to Methadone because he said the 32mg of Sub he was on didn't make his cravings go away.. I thought I could change him and help him get better. I'm an empath and thought I could heal him... There were so many bad signs but his narcissistic claws had made their way through my skin and it was getting to be too late for me to back out. He was so good at manipulating and making me think there wasn't a problem and I was just silly for thinking so.

As I'm going back and reading this, I feel like an absolute idiot. I had so many chances to see how genuinely bad this guy was and I swept it under the rug. I could analyze myself and explain my childhood trauma but that's not what this story is about. It's about what I went though and how I got out. And I hope this story happens upon someone else who's going through it so they know YOU CAN GET OUT. IT DOES GET BETTER. ❤️

Stay tuned for the next chapter... ❤️

#narcisstic personality disorder #abuse survivor #narcissistic abuse #substance abuse #you can do hard things

[freedpheonix]

The First Offense

I remember the first time he hurt me. We had been together for a few months. We were staying at his mother's and I had found t*tty pics on his phone that weren't from me. Did a little digging and found out he'd been talking to a few other females, and not-so-female but that's another story for later. When I confronted him he got angry, somehow found a way to turn it around on me. He made me feel bad for being hurt. Then I felt guilty for confronting him, like I'm the one who did something wrong. I asked if he even wanted to be with me and he was so mad that he shoved me into some coat hooks on the wall. I didn't get hurt too badly that time. I walked away with a bruise on my right arm and less dignity and self-respect. In that moment, it was like I was bordering disbelief and having an out-of-body experience. I couldn't believe he could have done that to me. My head was reeling. HE did something wrong and I'M the one who was left feeling like an awful human being for it. A little later, after he'd spent some time locked in the bathroom shooting up his opiates (yeah there's a lot more to that as well), he apologized. He even managed to work up some tears, from where I don't know. He was good at putting on a show. He said he felt bad and he would never do it again, he didn't know what he was thinking. He said how much he loved me and i made his life much better. And just like that, I forgave him. I know what you're thinking, there are some SERIOUS and OBVIOUS red flags. As for the drugs, I was naive. I'd never been around that lifestyle before so I wasn't aware of how serious of a drug addict he was. When we first got together, he had said he was on Suboxone but I didn't understand. As for the cheating and shoving me, I should have cut it off right then but I was young and dumb. 19 years old, with past childhood trauma. And forgiving him, well it was JUST a shove, and that frame of mind is something only survivors of abuse understand. It's not something that can be easily explained. If I knew then what I know now.... Oh, how life would have been different.

I should probably add, his mother was home for this. She was there for the beginning of the fight and when she heard what he did, she went into another room. She was aware of what happened but he wasn't wrong in her eyes, and this will also come into play later...

#gaslighting #survivor #narcisstic personality disorder #trauma #substance abuse #i will survive