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heartbrokenshitpost · 1 year

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69 different Beetlejuice x Reader/OC fanfictions.

What can I say, when you're in the mood...

I've read an absurd quantity of fanfiction. The ones in this list are not just ones I've read and would recommend, but some of these are ones I've read multiple times. Basically, if your work is on this list, it's because I like it. If you write a lot for the fandom, it's because these fics are some of my favorites of your work (I tried to get a large variety of authors).

I'm giving three numbers on each of these. Intensity, Spice, and Story. Intensity refers to the level of discomfort that the fic might bring. 1 is relatively vanilla, fairly sane. 5 is the kind of fiction where if you're reading it, you're probably into some weird stuff. That or you're gonna be traumatized for life. Stuff like non-con, violence, and gore tend to up the intensity rating. Spice refers to the level of erotica. Basically what kind of words are used. Innuendo and implied stuff is a lower score, really explicit and it's a higher score. Story refers to how much plot there is- like do I actually have to focus and remember details in order to read it? Is there a beginning, middle, and ending? Or perhaps there is an actual plot, with stakes and such. Low story and spice scores indicates a fluff fic, which are fun and great as well.

To be perfectly honest, the scores aren't super informative, but it's a general idea on what the fic has in store. I also tried to tag the authors (in the first post they're mentioned, usernames are listed with title as well), but I couldn't find all of them for the ao3 stuff.

I'll make another post for fic recommendations that AREN'T super smutty/romantic and ones that include romance, but not x Reader or x OC (I will not make a recommended list of beetlebabes fics. Do not ask) That's going to take awhile though, since this fanfic list took me... like over a month.

Be sure to check warnings and tags listed.

Night Out from clairjohnson- Intensity 3/5, Spice 3/5, Story: 2/5, "Jealous and possessive Keatlejuice where the boy goes feral"; Reader is spending some time out on the town, where they summon Beetlejuice, only to run into a stranger as well. [@clairjohnson]

Last Train Home from vicunaburger- Intensity 3/5, Spice 2/5, Story 3/5, "Jealous and possessive Keatlejuice where the boy goes feral"; Reader is on a train home, where they're harrased by a stranger. Luckily (or unluckily) Beetlejuice is there to "help" [@vicunaburger]

Roses and Rot from hoodoo- Intensity 4/5, Spice 3.5/5, Story 2/5, "Jealous and possessive Keatlejuice where the boy goes feral"; Walking home at night, some guy shows up. Murder and Sex, ain't it the best? Anyway, I’ve probably read this like 5 times. Is there something wrong with me? Perhaps. [@hoodoo12]

Panty Raid from hoodoo- Intensity 1/5, Spice 3/5, Story 1/5; A trio of short fics featuring edible underwear. I really like this one as it shows off the differences in depictions of Beetlejuice.

The Curse from hoodoo- Intensity 2/5, Spice 3/5, Story 2/5. Beetlejuice helps with period cramps.

Cut You a Piece of Me from avacado-writing- Intensity 1/5, Spice 1/5, Story 5/5, "A college student finds a cheap room in an old house, and soon finds out why the rent is so low"; a slow-burn romance that eventually leads to some smut, but this is just one where the story is really cute. It's a bit longer than some of the shorts above, but it's well worth the time it takes to read! This one is in multiple parts, part 1 is linked above. Part 2 Part 3 Part 4. [ @avocado-writing ]

Take You For a Ride from cinebration- Intensity 2/5, Spice 2/5, Story 4/5; You call a taxi when you need to get somewhere with a broken down car. The driver is… a bit strange. I absolutely love the plot twist at the end, really wish it wasn’t a one-shot. I think there’s a lot of interesting stuff you could work with here. It's really fun though. Well worth a read. [ @cinebration ]

Tricks and treats from Make-my-millennium- Intensity 2/5, Spice 1/5, Story 1/5; You bring Beetlejuice with you to supervise a kid going trick or treating. I kind of have a soft spot for the idea that Keatlejuice is just really good with kids. It adds this really sweet element to him. [ @make-my-millennium]

Beej finds out reader drew him from obsessive-ego- Intensity 1/5, Spice 1/5, Story 2/5; a very short fic, the title says it all. Ego's writing is fairly tame compared to some of the other authors on this list. Not a bad thing, actually quite good. [@obsessive-ego ]

Pity Date from obsessive-ego - Intensity 2/5, Spice 1/5, Story 3/5; you go on a date with some random human, so Beetlejuice decides to tag along and ruin things.

Jealous of a Clone from obsessive-ego - Intensity 2/5, Spice 3/5, Story 2/5; Beetlejuice leaves to the netherworld for a little while, he comes back and gets jealous of the clone he left with you.

Green Vibe from obsessive-ego - Intensity 2/5, Spice 4/5, Story 1.5/5; You get a new vibe from Beetlejuice after he found your old one.

Wait, Demons go into Heat? from obsessive-ego- Intensity 3/5, Spice 2/5, Story 3/5; Uncontrollable urges, romantic tension, and a relationship that's just really cute.

BJ reacting to reader being kissed by one of her friends from obsessive-ego- Intensity 2/5, Spice 1/5, Story 3/5; I do love a good pining after someone fic, and this one delivers! Plus some jealousy stuff, which is always fun.

Coming Home Late from obsessive-ego- Intensity 2/5, Spice 1/5, Story 3/5; Another great fic from Ego. It's a sweet little relationship story. Very cute.

5 Love Languages from Effloradox- Intensity 1.5/5, Spice 1/5, Story 1.5/5; just a small and simple fluff fic. It’s really cute. Good feels. [ @effloradox ]

Jealous from whiskehorange- Intensity 2/5, Spice 1/5, Story 2/5; Someone flirts with you, Beetlejuice puts a stop to it. [ @whiskehorange ]

Beetlejuices react to Y/N being sick from Beetled-juice- Intensity 1/5, Spice 1/5, Story 1/5; Just some fluffy head cannons, but what’s really fun is that it’s with the three different versions of Beetlejuice, so you get all three flavors of the Trash Demon. [ @beetled-juice ]

Y/N Breeding Beetlejuice from Beetled-juice- Intensity 2/5, Spice 4/5, Story 1/5; look, I don’t know why I like this so much. Honestly 50% of the reason for this list is so I can keep coming back to my favorite fics, and this is one that I could keep coming back to. This is probably going to give you a weird opinion on my tastes… which is fair.

BJ with a breeding kink HCs from TheGooseWithTheMost- Intensity 1.5/5, Spice 3/5, Story 1/5; informal head cannons, I just really like. This one and the clones one are both so cute and fun and I’ve read them both over and over again. Speaking of the clones one… [@thegoosewiththemost]

Beetlejuice Clone HCs from TheGooseWithTheMost- Intensity 1/5, Spice 1.5/5, Story 1/5; again, informal head cannons that are super fun. Very cute, very fluff.

Clingy and Jealous HCs from TheGooseWithTheMost - Intensity 1/5, Spice 2/5, Story 1/5; it’s Beetlejuice being clingy. What more can I describe?

After Sex Cuddles from swimmingclassicrockpizzawombat - Intensity 1/5, Spice 2/5, Story 1/5; those darn informal head cannons, these ones are delightfully fluffy. They fill me with good feelings. Actually, all of their fics do, it’s just that this one is my favorite. [@swimmingclassicrockpizzawombat]

Reader who isn’t scared from Starlit-epiphany - Intensity 2/5, Spice 1/5, Story 2/5; You just aren’t scared of the ghost with the most, which annoys him, and things go from there. Little headcannons. [@starlit-epiphany]

The rest of these I used AO3 links instead of Tumblr.

Spooky Beetlejuice Oneshots from xStardustInMyEyesx- Intensity 1/5, Spice 3/5, Story 2/5; a bunch of cute oneshots. The linked one is the soulmates.

Stuck Like Glue from xStardustInMyEyesx- Intensity 1/5, Spice 1/5, Story 4/5; a pretty standard fic. mutual pining. Beetlejuice is a clueless idiot. A touch of angst as the main character deals with their trash family.

Spiritual Life Coach from goobthegoober- Intensity 2/5, Spice 2/5, Story 5/5; Delia hires a witch (reader) to act as Lydia's spiritual life coach. Beetlejuice takes advantage of you, in more ways than one. I absolutely adore the ending to this fic. It's got one of the best plots. It maintains Beetlejuice's manipulative jerk personality, which is delightful. [@goobthegoober]

Ring My Bell from abattor- Intensity 3/5, Spice 4/5, Story 2/5; One of the fics that does a great job showing of Keatlejuice. The comedy is amazing. The dialouge? Golden. It's unfinished, but the plot is not very important, so you don't feel like you're missing too much. I strongly suggest checking this one out.

The Exorpist from BeagleGoose- Intensity 2/5, Spice 2/5, Story 5/5; Delia hires the reader to act as an exorcist/therapist in order to try to sort out the fact that a demon lives in their house. What better way to deal with it than to get married? This one is quite a slow burn, and with over 30 chapters, it's a little long and slow at times. However, this has an incredibly sweet ending, with plot twists that rock the world. It's great. I love it.

Beej-ia Board from BeagleGoose- Intensity 1/5, Spice 1.5/5, Story 4/5; You contact Beetlejuice through an Ouija board. One thing leads to another, and you end up dating. This one is also based on another Beetlejuice fic:

Ouija from angelicspaceprince- Intensity 1/5, Spice 1/4, Story 2.5/5; You contact Beetlejuice through an Ouija board. Unfortunately, he’s a little bit dyslexic. This one has them feels. The fluff, the angst. It’s a good fic, one that makes me feel really good and happy and argh, I love it. [ @angelicspaceprince]

You're the One from Jetsetlife138- Intensity 5/5, Spice 4/5, Story 3/5; This one is also a work in progress, but what we have so far is pretty dang good. If you're into this, that is. The fact is, this one is REALLY intense. It’s a kidnapping fic. Read the tags before you decide if this one is for you.

Forever from orphan_account- Intensity 5/5, Spice 5/5, Story 3/5; You summon a demon, who decides to take you into the netherworld so you’ll belong to him forever. It really... stretches the character a bit. Eh, Who am I to actually care about that?

Beetlejuice Squared 2 from Hoodoo- Intensity 3/5, Spice 4/5, Story 3/5; This one has clones. Clone fight. Multiple endings. What's not to love?

Just (A Little Less) Alone from doodles-foodles- Intensity 2/5, Spice 2/5, Story 5/5; You meet a ghost in the cemetery, you become roommates, mutual pining happens, and then things go very wrong.

Who Exorcizes the Exorcist? from Hoodoo- Intensity 2/5, Spice 3.5/5, Story 5/5; Beetlejuice gets a new person living in the house- they’re unfortunately really boring. But there’s something weird about this stranger…

Bad Date from Hoodoo- Intensity 2/5, Spice 4/5, Story 2/5; Again, a cute relationship fic. Beetlejuice interrupts a terrible date, and thus smut occurs. Logically.

Trying Too Hard from Hoodoo- Intensity 1/5, Spice 1.5/5, Story 2/5; a short fic in which the reader is given a few… gifts… at work. It’s pretty funny, which is why I like it so much.

Marked from angelicspaceprince- Intensity 6/5, Spice 5/5. Story 1/5; Yep, this is the one that broke the intensity scale. It was too intense for me, and I've read some intense stuff. It’s a hypnosis fic that haunts my brain. I’ve read it like 8 times, the first time it made me feel sick? Or maybe that was me not eating food (I forget to eat a lot). It certainly stuck in my brain, and if you’re into this kind of thing… you’ll probably love it.

Haunted from abeautifuldayfortea- Intensity 2/5, Spice 1/5, Story 3.5/5; You’re haunted by Beetlejuice. Mostly just fluff with a dash of plot so far, but I have to say that I love the way BJ is written in this. He’s like a cat- a very touch-starved and lonely cat.

Color Envy from Nonbinary_Bean102- Intensity 2/5, Spice 3/5, Story 3/5; Nonbinary reader meets the ghost with the most, you're probably more of a mess than he is. I really like the beginning of the fic, very spooky, verry fun.

Safety/Danger/Love/Hate from piranhaenergy- Intensity 4.5/5, Spice 1/5, Story 5/5; When you start to fall romantically in love with Beetlejuice, a curse is placed upon you. This one… is amazing. The fluff. The angst. It’s a story that fills me with the good vibes. Do heed the warnings of the tags though. [ @born-dead-thrills ]

Unexpected Perspectives, New Discoveries, and One Occult Ritual from piranhaenergy- Intensity 3/5, Spice 3/5, Story 4/5; It’s a body swap episode. A lot of time is spent with you as Beetlejuice, and this causes a lot of fluff moments. He is pure chaos, and suddenly being stuck in that body is wacky.

Chaos on Camera (now with 100% more demon!) from piranhaenergy- Intensity 2.5/5, Spice 3/5, Story 4.5/5; You’re a YouTube sensation, and your fans are very interested in the stripe guy who keeps appearing in your videos. They seem to think you’re dating, which is crazy because there’s no way you’d date a demon, right?

Heart, Sleeves, Stripes from piranhaenergy- Intensity 2/5, Spice 3/5, Story 4/5; You’re a person who’s got quite the poker face. You have no interest in revealing your crush on the ghost with the most. But, after a little statement goes wrong, you discover that he’s given you a curse- the curse of stupid color changing hair.

Bring Your Demon to Work Day from Piranhaenergy- Intensity 2/5, Spice 3.5/5, Story 3.5/5; You decide to bring a demon to your job at a bookstore, which makes things a lot more interesting, to say the least.

Tentacles are sexier than hair (and more practical) from piranhaenergy- Intensity 2.5/5, Spice 3/5, Story 4/5; it’s a retelling of Rapunzel, but with Beetlejuice and tentacles.

Deal with a Demon from InkSplots- Intensity 1.5/5, Spice 4/5, Story 3.5/5; You’re a witch, and decide to summon a demon. Contracts are formed. This one has some really fun witch lore. Ya gotta establish that lore.

Zoo Day is Today from Unrenowned_Writer- Intensity 1/5, Spice 1/5, Story 4/5; Based on the cartoon, you supervise a field trip and go to the zoo. There, you meet a very interesting chaperone- Mr.Beetleman. It definitely keeps the flair and flavor of the cartoon universe, with a fair bit of fluff. Also there’s bad puns. Ya gotta love the bad puns.

Just Say My Name from Animekath- Intensity 2.5/5, Spice 3.5/5, Story 3/5; Your boss is kind of a terrible person. When things hit their limit, you end up calling up your demon.

Gas Station Souvenir from Unrenowned_Writer- Intensity 1/5, Spice 1/5, Story 2.5/5; you work at a gas station, and then accidentally summon a demon. I just really love the authors writing style. Everything is really funny. The reader does not care about the supernatural nonsense they see every day.

A Break from Mangopop- Intensity 2/5, Spice 3.5/5, Story 1.5/5; You’re kind of stressed out over schoolwork. So Beetlejuice helps with that.

Microwave Safe from Mangopop- Intensity 2/5, Spice 2.5/5, Story 2/5; Beetlejuice microwaves himself.

Lucky Us from LivingSol- Intensity 2/5. Spice 1/5, Story 3/5; You come home from a funeral, with a weird ghost trying to get you to summon him. I like the arc with the revenge plot on bad coworkers. It’s kind of a longer fic, but quite fluffy.

I'm of sound mind; my answer is yes, I love that man of mine from HeidiWrites95- Intensity 2/5, Spice 2/5, Story 2/5; Oh look, this is from 2014. I know what the title is, no this is not a beetlebabes fic. You're at work, Beetlejuice invites you to a party. Nice and short.

Ghost with the Most from PlanetCupcake- Intensity 2/5, Spice 3.5/5, Story 2/5; Very much a typical “meet the demon, then you date him” story. It’s got some plot progression, but manages to keep fairly slice-of-life style.

For the Greater Ghoul from SherlockHomeslice; Intensity 2/5, Spice 1/5, Story 4/5; this one is short and incomplete, but what we have so far is really interesting. Indigenous culture, a big snake dude, and also good descriptions of what it’s like to possess a plant? It’s pretty fun. I will say that spice and such is only so far, I get the feeling this one might get spicier later.

Lovely Little Strips of Fabric from Naner; Intensity 3.5/5, Spice 3/5, Story 2/5; Looking for blackmail on you, Beetlejuice gets distracted by your underwear. There’s a dubious consent implication at the end, which isn’t in the tags.

Say My Name from TurningOnAnAxis- Intensity 4/5, Spice 5/5, Story 2/5; You see a very strange man in a furniture store, and now your house is haunted. Well, he might be possessive and weird, but at least in a hot way?

Keeping it Quiet from SofaBeaee- Intensity 2/5, Spice 5/5, Story 1/5; What’s this demon doing in your house? Well, you’d kick him out but he’s really hot…. [@sofabear]

In the Arms of the Sea from burningrosebush- Intensity 3.5/5, Spice 2/5, Story 5/5; In which you’re captivated by a siren, and take your revenge. It’s a dark fic, that’s for sure. It's also sad, with a sad-ish ending. [@burningrosebush ]

Haunt Me from GreyPetticoats- Intensity 3/5, Spice 3/5, Story 2/5; Beetlejuice x reader who’s really into being scared, if ya know what I mean. Fun little horror bit turns into pure smut, ending with just a touch of fluff. Delightful.

Red Wing Warrior from Commander_Kim- Intensity 1.5/5, Spice 4/5, Story 2/5; Period sex with Beetlejuice. The idea that Beetlejuice, being incredibly gross, would absolutely love it.

A Blast From the Past from DooksForDays and sammys_lover- Intensity 2/5, Spice 3/5, Story 2.5/5; It’s a reincarnation story, as Beetlejuice and the reader are able to reunite. Love a lot of the earlier slice of life chapters. Unfortunately, it’s not quite finished yet- and may have been abandoned. Then again, the fluff is pretty good.

6 1/2 Apologies from JustAnEnglishMajor- Intensity 3/5, Spice 4/5, Story 1.5/5; You kind of yelled at Beetlejuice, so now you’re going to make it up to him. Smut with an extra element of hurt/comfort that I just love so much.

Makeshift Couples Counseling from Wiitennis- Intensity 1/5, Spice 1/5, Story 1.5/5; After a fight with Beetlejuice, Lydia intervenes and helps repair the relationship. Fluff. So much fluff. [ @beeeeeeecauseusee ]

Oops from Cephede_Variable- Intensity 1.5/5, Spice 3.5/5, Story 1/5; You summon Beetlejuice by accident, thus smut occurs.

The Ghost with the Most from InkSplots- Intensity 3/5, Spice 0.5/5, Story 5/5; A ghost hires the leading bio exorcist to get rid of some humans, but one of them doesn’t scare easily. Logically, this means things need to escalate.

Bureaucracy, Bureaucracy, Bureaucracy from CopperContessa_13- Intensity 1/5, Spice 1/5, Story 3/5; A choose your own adventure style story. Features Rick and Morty. It’s quite silly, and I like it. I’m a sucker for multiple endings.

And THAT'S all 69 fanfiction recommendations from me, personally.

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heartbrokenshitpost · 3 years

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Prompt List of Sarcasm

“Well, what can I say? I’m a badass.”

“Define normal.”

“Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?”

“Just remember if we get caught, you’re deaf and I don’t speak English.”

“Don’t look for any redeeming qualities. I don’t have any.”

“It’s amazing how fast the world can go from bad to total shit storm.”

“I love you. You enormously stubborn pain in the ass.”

“And you wonder why you’re still single.”

“Remind me to kill you. Please.”

“I’m listening to you. I’m just not paying attention.”

“That’s a little melodramatic, don’t you think?”

“Were you dropped on your head?”

“She’s crazy. And just when you think you’ve reached the bottom of her craziness, there’s a crazy underground garage.”

“She may seem like lollipops and rainbows but I bet behind close doors she’s latex and whips.”

“If my day gets any worse, I’m asking hell if they’re having an exchange program.”

“Sorry. I don’t speak skank.”

“If I survive, can I go home?”

“My middle finger salutes you.”

“This is a whole new level of moronic, even for you.”

“I don’t think I could ever stab someone. I mean, let’s be honest. I can barely get the straw in the Capri Sun.”

“I don’t have enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel.”

“Insanity run in my family. It practically gallops.”

“Oh darling. Go buy a brain.”

“Somebody’s cranky.” “Somebody needs to shut up.”

“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

“All due respect, but that’s a bunch of crap.”

“I am one of the few people in the world who can murder you and leave no forensic evidence behind.”

“Excuse me. I have to go make a scene.”

“What did I tell you about calling her/him the devil?” “That it’s offensive to the devil?”

“I heard that!” “You were supposed to!”

“I need therapy after this.”

“You didn’t get in trouble for lying. You got in trouble for lying badly.”

“I’m not weird. I am limited edition.”

“I turned out liking you a lot more that I originally planned.”

“I think you’re weird.” “I think you’re boring.”

“If history repeats itself, I am so getting a dinosaur.”

“You seem somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you before?”

“I’m afraid I’ve been thinking…” “A dangerous pastime.”

“I’d explain it to you, but you’re brain would explode.”

“Wow, there’s a big surprise. I think I’m going to have a heart attack and die from surprise.”

“I’m gonna hit you so hard, it’ll make you ancestors dizzy.”

“Even when we were kids, I always kicked your ass!”

“Sarcasm is the body’s natural reaction to stupidity.”

“You’re good. A monster pain in the ass… but you’re good.”

“Well, excuse me, psychic wonder!”

“The female of the species is more deadly than the male.”

“Don’t look in her eyes, she might steal your soul.”

“She’s hot, but she’s evil.”

“Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.”

“I already know that I’m going to hell. At this point it’s really go big or go home.”

“Go on, knock his teeth down his throat.”

“You’re going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters, animal abusers and people who talk at the theater.”

“What’s the point in screaming? No one’s listening anyway.”

“I’m not a damsel in distress. I’m a damsel doing damage.”

“So stick that in your juice box and suck it.”

“Never take life seriously. No one ever comes out alive anyway.”

“This place hold a lot of memories for me. Some bad, some… No. No, no, all bad.”

“A little gasoline… blowtorch… no problem.”

“Good, bad, I’m the one with the gun.”

“I know you can’t kill anybody, ‘cause I can’t kill anybody.”

“You’re insane, but you might also be brilliant.”

“What you call insanity, I call inspiration.”

“Sometimes I question my sanity. Occasionally it replies.”

“Why should we date?” “Because we are attracted to each other.” “I am attracted to pie, but I do not feel the need to date pie.”

“Why does everyone assume the worst of me.” “It saves time.”

“I like you. You’re different.”

“You successfully cured him/her of anything interesting about his/her personality.”

“Neither one us is drunk enough for this conversation.”

“You’re questioning my methods.” “I’m not questioning it, I’m saying it’s stupid.”

“Wow, somebody needs a Happy Meal.”

“I didn’t do it!” “Then why are you laughing?” “Because whoever did it is a freaking genius.”

“Idiots. I’m surrounded by idiots.”

“You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.”

“I care so little, I almost passed out.”

“Well behaved woman rarely make history.”

“You’re so weird.” “You have no idea.”

“The universe may not always play fair, but at least it’s got a hell of a sense of humor.”

“You haven’t even seen my bad side yet.”

“Obviously you have mistaken me for somebody who gives a shit.”

“How’s life treating you?” “Like I ran over it’s dog.”

“Rule number one: don’t bother sucking up. I already hate you, that’s not going to change.”

“Oh God, we’re not gonna have to hug or anything, are we.”

“I’m so glad you could come.” “Cut the crap. Give me a drink.”

“You make no sense to me.” “Welcome to my life.”

“Have fun being deal.” “I will.”

“Damn, you’re strong for a little thing.”

“It’s called thinking. Go with it.”

“I made a new friend today.” “Real or imaginary?” “Imaginary.”

“Where have you been all my life?” “Hiding from you.”

“I’m getting real bored and impatient. I don’t do bored and impatient.”

“The girl is strange no question.”

“Do us a favor… I know it’s difficult for you… but please, stay here, and try no to do anything… stupid.”

“I know most people don’t like me; I don’t care, I don’t like most people.”

“You are a very strange person.” “Well, thanks for noticing.”

“I can tell that you think what you’re saying is funny, but… no.”

“I didn’t steal it. I permanently borrowed it.”

“I’m not shy. I’m just examining my prey.”

“If you pull out my earphones, I will pull out your lungs.”

“I don’t dislike you, I nothing you.”

“Are you crying? No, I’m impersonating a fountain.”

“Ah, he’s playing hard-to-get. That’s cute.”

“You’re kinda anti-social, you know that?”

“I feel like a freakin’ soccer mom.”

“My advice is much more subtle. Stop being an ass.”

“I’m just gonna pack up and go straight to hell now.”

“My ex? Yeah, I’d still hit that. Except this time it would be with a car or baseball bat.”

“She’s complicated like the DaVinci code, you know but harder to crack.”

“And just like everything else we do around here, it’s about to get weirder.”

“Such big evil in such a little thing.”

“Why do I still like you, knowing you’re a total asshole?”

“What does not kill you will likely try again.”

“Oh honey, I would but… I don’t want to.”

“And hello to you too… little homewrecker.”

“I’m gonna make you wish you were dead.”

“I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.”

“What doesn’t kill me might make me kill you.”

“In another life, I think I was in a mental institution.”

“I’m not crazy. I’m just interesting.”

“Don’t make me pop your ten grand sand bags honey.”

“This is fun.” “Seriously, we’re trying to hide a body.”

Request [x] Masterlist [x]

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