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hiddenthoughts7 · 11 months

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Why does it hurts so much?..

Lately I can't help but cry at any time, even though I'm trying my best not to....

Time passes by so fast is scary, I feel so stuck, never advancing, always following the routing, wake up, eat, work, eat, work, eat, work and then a "little free time" at night, where I have to wait till my little sister sleeps so I can cry in peace without having to worry her, is at this time, where I am alone that I can have a little sense of freedom, and I hate it, all I do is feel anxious, worried and sad, then I go to sleep and the cycles starts again, is so tiring, it feels like I'm wasting my life making everyone happy or confortable, pleasing them with whatever they want because I can't say no.

This is consuming me, I really don't know what to do, this is tearing me apart, always having to have a stupid smile in my face so I don't ruin anyone's day, sometimes I don't know if I have any right to feel this way, am I complaining to much? am I exaggerating? why does it hurts if everyone seems to see it as normal, as if what I'm feeling is nothing?

What I am? What is my purpose in life? I seriously don't get why I'm even here...I want to stay, there's so many things I want to accomplish, but at this rate would I be able to do it? When could I scape this misery?...

My life is so busy doing anything people need, a people pleaser they call it..

But when is my turn? Is happiness really that hard to get? Do I really have to spend my whole life looking for a moment to feel happy?

I miss being a little girl, things were so simple back then, it definitely wasn't perfect either but I was a little bit happy....I guess, to be really honest I don't remember much from when I was young, most of my memories are full of sadness and disappointments…

The first thing I remember that broke my heart was seeing my parents fighting, getting divorced, i still have that flashback of my father having to leave our house...it breaks my heart every time i remember, i wanted to go with him, i still do...

A part of me is glad that my parents are not together anymore, i know how toxic they were in their relationship, and i didn't want any of them to get hurt, but other part of me also always hoped to see them together again...i always wished that every birthday, but it never came true so i stopped making wishes, i stopped believing in god that day... because what did i do to hurt me like that?

I always wanted to stay with my dad, i miss him, i love him, he is the best dad, i know he is not perfect, but he did his best to be by my side, he couldn't do much economically, but that didn't matter to me, he gave my love and support every time, so that meant much more for me, that's all i needed...

He still supports me, we really get along well even better which I'm glad, but i really miss him, now I'm even far away from than before..

It makes me feel anxious and worry to even thinking my parents can get sick, again, they are not perfect....but I love them.

There's so much i want to write in here...but I'm not sure if I can, my mind gets blurry trying to remember my life while listening to sad music, the only thing i know is that I'm an ocean of tears...my heart aches, it's an estrange feeling, i feel my heart getting twisted and punched.

Why can't i go back? i would love to spend more time with my family, my little dog..my house, everything i just want to go back and stop time so i can have them with me again...

I miss my friends...I feel so lonely, this world nowadays is just full of hatred and sadness, work life devours you, you have to put your wants and needs aside to continue with the same thing over and over again, things that doesn't do anything for you besides giving you money, and for what? everything goes to basic human necessities that we sadly have to pay for.

I rarely find the time to even listen to music, that's how sad and toxic my life is..at 1 am is when i can be myself...

I love my little sister, i want her to be the happiest human on earth, i want to protect her, I've been taking care of her since I'm 13, while my mom and her husband went to their disco business, or went to the casino while i had to take her, they didn't care at all, they always have used me, because it was spected for me to do those things, was it fair? My sister even called me mom at some points.

Always taking care of everyone, always making everyone happy, what have they done for me? Give me food and a roof? Education? Yes, thank you for that but those are my rights, that's your responsibility, to be honest i didn't asked to be born at all.

Is always complicated when i wanted something, is always a trouble when i need something, that's why i stopped asking for anything.

I never had the best relationship with my mom, now is better than before, but still..

Every time I'm trying to remember the past my mind blocks it and i started to cry...

I don't know what to do, i want to remember so i can do something about it, it wasn't only my family who has hurt me, my "friendships" back then also have betray me and leave me in pain.

I was always that replaceable friend in every group i was, always the extra person in the room, the one who didn't matter at all, then one who was being used for whatever reason, this is not me trying to be the victim in all this, no, this is me, recognizing my pain as valid, I'm tired of hiding my feelings, i;m tired of thinking my feelings are just an exaggeration.

The first time i ever felt loved, the first time I felt this feeling was truly mutual, why did it have to be with him? Why that had to happen?

I was so blinded by thinking what he did was normal, at 15 years old, i really thought that being forced to have sex was okay, i hated myself for allowing that to happen but what did i know? he was stronger than me, i really tried to stopped him from doing that, but maybe i didn't fight enough..i was so scared i have to faked an smile in front of him and act normal after that even though i was furious and shocked..i continued to be with him thinking that was the best thing to do, why? i don't know maybe i was scared of what could have happened after that, and i was actually right, everything was worst after that, i was so conflicted with myself, i loved him, but i also hated him, he was so manipulative, making me feel stupid, at the end i realize, none of that wasn't love, you don't hurt the person you love, i was just his entertainment, i always spected something romantic, spending time together talking, looking at the stars, laughing, watching movies, doing simple things, and all i got was someone who always came to me to pretend to be the person i always wanted, always coming to me just so i can satisfy his needs for hours, forcing myself to do those things, just so i could see him happy...what an idiot i was.

That was our relationship, just based in physical affection, just so he can leave my place with an smile in his face, while i was destroyed...at some point he didn't even have a proper conversation whit me, he waited for us to be alone so he can do those things, and all i wished was for him to get away...every time, Thankfully I realized that i deserved better, not a person who even recorded me without my consent and show it to others, not a person, who used me.

I also stopped trusting anyone the moment my supposed male best friend tried to r**e me as well, my female best friend at that time set me up and betray me, i went to her house to spend time with her, playing video games or something, what she did? She invited him and faked being sick so she could get out with her mom to the pharmacy and she leaved me alone with him, i was so stupid so innocent, it didn't crossed my mind that he could do that, i really though we were going to watch a movie while we wait for her, he got on top of me, trying to forced me, 2 times, i didn't know what to do, i was scared to death, luckily i have my phone in the pocket and i hit him with that in the head, and then i went to the kitchen to look for a knife, what else was i supposed to do? he calmed down and went to the bathroom to finish with his desires by his own, how disgusting.

I didn't know where i was, i came with my fake friend there, and i didn't know how to leave, my only option was to ask him to accompany me in a taxi, the least he could do.

The next day? i saw my 2 "friends" in the school stairs, looking at me, laughing at me....I've never felt that disappointed.

All my classmates knew me as the shy one, or the crazy one, or the weird one...there's always a reason for that, if nobody was going to protect me, then i have to do it myself.

Nobody really cared.

I want to be happy, but i also don't want to exist anymore, i want to succeed but I'm also tired of keep trying, i want to be alive but i also want to die, honestly.

There's more sad memories to tell, but that's all my mind could remember today. Now is time to continue crying while listening to sad music.

#depressing life #sadnees #tears #pain #feelings

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hiddenthoughts7 · 11 months

Text

Why does it hurts so much?..

Lately I can't help but cry at any time, even though I'm trying my best not to....

Time passes by so fast is scary, I feel so stuck, never advancing, always following the routine, wake up, eat, work, eat, work, eat, work and then a "little free time" at night, where I have to wait till my little sister sleeps so I can cry in peace without having to worry her, is at this time, where I am alone that I can have a little sense of freedom, and I hate it, all I do is feel anxious, worried and sad, then I go to sleep and the cycles starts again, is so tiring, it feels like I'm wasting my life making everyone happy or confortable, pleasing them with whatever they want because I can't say no.