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there is such an oddly validating feeling in people who wronged you having a cat you KNOW likes you more than their own owners

it gives me Addison Grace "I miss your dog" song emotions

but, at the same time, knowing their cat liked me so much that the other people asked "What's your secret? How did you do that? My cat has never done that before?*" is so fucking vindicating

* : "that" being fucking CUDDLING. their cat never laid down on top of them before, always persistent about laying down a few feet away (and they had her since she was a kitten too, which is wild to me that she was never even a cuddly kitten), and i met this cat very briefly each time i visited and then wham bam the little fur-baby was snuggled up to me. and not just once, briefly; but would do it for as long as possible in the handful of times i visited (it was about 3 or 4 visits more before we had a falling out), the cat leaving as soon as their human tried to pet them. i know the cat is safe and fine with them, im not worried about the cat's well-being. they just were in one of those families that "always had cats", meaning they continued the cycle their parents taught them rather than doing their own research on how to treat cats (one of those "you can just drop them when youre done, they land on their feet" types rather than what i do which is "keep holding them securely until all four paws are settled and stable on the floor" if that makes sense. innocent fuck-ups, not anything malicious, but it meant this person had NEVER owned a "velcro cat" or a "cuddly cat" and thought thpse things were 100% based on cat personality and not a mixture of personality + relationship. my cat is the first cat ive ever owned, and i did so much research, i even googled how to properly pet cats. thanks Jackson Galaxy. i tried to tell them to do the same back when we were friends. sucks to suck if they never listened). but it is such a nice middle finger to know they have to sit with the knowledge that ✨️their cat liked me more✨️

a part of me hopes they know i would be very willing to adopt their cat if they ever needed to re-home their pet, no matter what happened between us. another part of me knows my very own cat that i already own would be PISSED to share my attention (my cat has made it very clear she is a one-cat home and she will beat up any other pet who tries to "steal me away". but i think that's because her foster parents didn't introduce her to the other cats v well? my cat was briefly a stray and was estimated to already be 2 years old when she first arrived to her foster parents' home. and she was always 50/50 if she liked her fosters or if they were swat-worthy anyway) i have no idea. but she was esp fight-y with them, esp if i gave them any affection, when id come over to introduce myself to her + get her used to me so moving her out wouldnt be so scary for her)

still. im listening to Addison Grace on repeat bc i still think about that kitty cat who so shyly loved me like she never loved any other human before 🎶💕🎶"I DON'T LIKE ANYTHING ABOUT YOU / BUT I MISS YOUR DOG CAT / HE SHE NEVER DID ANYTHING WRONG / I MISS YOUR DOG CAT!!"🎶💕🎶

#id be willing to piss my cat off by adopting this ex-friend's bc i know solo cats get lonely #like Jackson Galaxy recommends to get 2nd cats v much for that exact reason. and fuck it. ill put 1000% into getting that cat and my cat to #have a smooth introduction and get to befriend one another. i hope that ex-friend took my advice bc otherwise 🖕 ×5000 more than before #me #might delete later #cats #cat #addison grace #i miss your dog #addison grace i miss your dog

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sometimes i feel like im not actually abused and that im the problem, but then i see how many people in tiktok comments of Missy-focused clips of "Young Sheldon" say that they wouldve been no-contact with that whole family immediately upon high school graduation if they were Missy

and i, someone who sees Missy's situation as fucked up yet also way less fucked up than my situation, just feels so much relief like. yeah. Missy's level of dysfunctional dynamics is enough to warrant being no-contact and far away, so mine is too. i think i might be willing to be in-contact with some family (as i suspect Missy would be too, like she'd probably still be in-contact with Georgie and maybe Meemaw) but like

it is weirdly cathartic to see people point at what she goes through and says "That is reason enough to cut people out. The people around Missy should change". and i look at Missy and i see someone who lashes out way more than i do (im a "shut-down and take it" type, which she clearly is not), and some of Missy's decisions are her acting out (and i dont act out, i dont think). those two things, her saying the adults around her need to change and also seeing her "act worse" than i do (tho she is acting out in pretty age appropriate ways, she is way more active than i am as i, again, shut-down) coupled together just...

idk, its weirdly comforting. to see people defend someone who is in a bad situation yet is also in a situation that is better than yours. it helps quiet the self-dismissive thoughts about my own pain

#i dont even know if those tt comments are common Young Sheldon fandom opinions but like #thanks Young Sheldon fandom. that helps #might delete later

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shout-out to my cat, who single-handedly got me to accept living in my abusive dad's house (as opposed to living in a car) just so she would have room to run around

#might delete later #she is also the one (1) being in this house who truly loves me ans makes among her top priorities and keeps my sanity together #which is so sad but also: whatever helps man. i just feel pathetic but also im so glad i have her

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as someone who needs a lot of external help to regulate my emotions when i cry/have a panic attack/have an anxiety attack/what-have-you: my "Anti-Anxiety Playlist" of fun youtube videos has got (fucking random) an enviable diverse variety. we got video essays, skits, comedy, art, reactions, interviews, animations, documentaries...

i even got an analysis about Thomas The Tank Engine in this bitch. thats wild

#the amount of Try Guys post-ned is wild tho. they are so comforting all of a sudden #like. ive been following them since their own channel opened. and all i had was Without A Recipe before. now like #obviously ive removed all ned content but its been replaced with sO MANY MORE TRY GUYS VIDEOS SINCE THEN it is ridiculous #my playlist is easily 20 to 30% try guys now. i just added their new 24 hours every theme park video #like. most people who are pillars of my regulation.. i can never meet them bc i will just collapse into tears of gratitude and work #myself up into an attack. and its gotten to the point that id do that for the try guys. but also i am very interested to know how theyd #react to learning my playlist has so much of their content. like. wowie wow wow thanks for all the help to get me to stop spiraling fellas #but also i should really try EMDR Therapy or something. my throat legitimately closes up when i try to dicuss what is upsetting me #its very inconvenient and extremely draining. im usually ruined for a whole day at minimum #might delete later

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the hypocritically inverse desires to, on one hand, want to someday marry someone who has never met my father (aka: no dating 'til after my dad dies) so i can have chapters of my life wholly without his involvement and yet also, on the other hand, want a spouse who kicks and screams at my dad in protection of me is really distracting me from the vibes of this Chilli's atmosphere rn

#abused kid core ✌️ #might delete later

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This is about my best friend, who I love more than anything in the world, who I would look for first in a room full of people I love. My most loyal companion, my other half, my love for you is true-blue

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I am not really there

Marya Hornbacher, Madness: A Bipolar Life /// Ramon Casas, Laziness, c1898-1900 /// Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar /// Edward Hopper, Morning Sun, 1952 /// Gail Honeyman, Elinor Oliphant is Completely Fine /// Reynier Llanes, The Poet, 2021 /// Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1931–1934 /// Amy Dury, Glasgow Girl 2, 2019 /// Rebecca Ross, Divine Rivals /// Adrienne Gaha, Blue Uniform, 2016

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“We found him in cold storage. He’s a medic, but the way he fights…You’ve never seen anything like this. No one has. Not in this generation, I guess. And he’s so angry. And so sad. He used to have millions of brothers. Now, he’s the last. But he still hears them. They whisper to him. He’s still fighting his war. I don’t think he can ever stop.”

— Star Wars Adventures (2020), #Issue 7

Kix

I can not stop thinking about him tonight

To live past the end of your myth is a perilous thing

Anne carson

I am someone who did not die when I should have died

Anne carson

Sources and text in alt

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days like today, i really wish i could skip this whole period of my life so i could be more okay

maybe in love with someone who sees my high-maintence and "likes maintaining me", who i can give my heart to with confidence. but id also be okay being single. i really just want to be living independently, in a house i own thanks to a really good pay-check from a secure job i enjoy, with my cat. maybe ill get a dog too. and, surely, by then my abusive father dead in a grave i will likely never visit. and maybe i will be medicated and stable, with a doctor who listens to me and no medical debt threatening me and a therapist or two i see regularly. with friends who check up on me and ask me to hang out more than i ask them. somewhere where there's a nice breeze and i haven't gotten so nauseous that ive thrown up, sobbing, in years. i want that. i dont want to be where i am. i want THAT. i want it so bad. i want to be in the future, i want it promised to me that ill get to have it and i wont get hit by a bus or a terminal illness tomorrow

i want my future-me to tell me i will get everything i really wanted, needed, and will excite me by spoiling everything. i want to know it will get better. but instead i just have to have faith. but i think i would be in such a better place, mentally, if i didnt need faith and i just KNEW. so, yeah, i wish i could just somehow know, y'know?

#might delete later

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hustle bustle

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One of the most dangerous things in the world is not being able to say no to people because you don't want to upset them or dissapoint them. This will completely ruin your life in every way possible, at work, in your private life, your sex life and your friendships. It's a way of removing your own consent in your own decisions and go against your wishes, it is always a crime against yourself. Let yourself have a say. Upsetting people is better than traumatizing yourself.

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no no u don't understand. I need the self-loathing bc if I compulsively mentally punish myself it keeps me from being Bad, a thing I fear because it would mean deserving punishment from someone else. what's not making sense to you? all of it? "what does Bad mean and can I provide examples"? of course. I'm simply oblivious and anxious and annoying and as we all know, to be annoying is to deserve constant emotional torment, when it is me. what do you MEAN that doesn't make sense either. "there's an internal logic but it's not reflective of reality"? cmon man.

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OK

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zinetober day 12....

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my least favorite thing about having autism + CPTSD is how a trigger of mine can be barely touched and then im silently crying on/off for the rest of the day as i have an autistic shut-down

#my mom was telling me my half-siblings were coming over on sunday. and i just broke #context: my half-siblings have a 20+ year age gap with me and vaguely knew our shared dad was abusing me #and i get not wanting to confirm if abuse is happening to protect yourself from said past abuser and whatnot #but i also just think about the fact that i dont have any of their phone-numbers and none of them checked in on me #and they just come over on christmas (and potentially when invited on fathers day/dad's birthday and whatnot) #and like. if you ask me: i dont consider someone i see for a total of less than 10 hours a year who #also never checked in on if their youngest sibling was being abused for 20+ years a sibling or family #at best: youre like a second cousin three times removed from me or some shit #the people that were with me every day or most days are my family #but yeah. i cant take masking in front of dad AND them rn. so i just fucking broke down #(also: my nieces and nephews are fine. i have no grudges against them. we just also are not close) #(my half-siblings i dont have a grudge against in the sense of actively hating them. i just want them cut out of my life) #(which sucks bc like. my dad is to blame. hes the abuser. it sucks his abuse impacts how i see my half-siblings. but dad is dying and i jus #want his funeral to be the last i hear/see from my half-siblings. like i will get pissed of they try to reconnect post his death like stfu) #(adults who didnt intervene bc they had no idea: fair enough. // adults who didnt intervene even tho they had a p good idea bc they #were abused by the same person: fuck you. like. just be estranged from me (and dad) my whole life. i could pardon that. not this tho.) #anyway. i think the solution is to just: not be home on sunday #idk what my lie will be but im still crying about all this.so evidently i doubt ill be able to disassociate well enough to ''tough it out'' #barnes and nobles sounds nice. i probably would want to bring my cat with me in her backpack but thatll be suspicious so idk #maybe ill just fake sick in my bedroom. i dont want to tho #id rather just leave the house #ill probably get some pushback bc its dad's birthday celebration but i think its p obvious ill start crying soooooo #shame my mom thought she was being nice (she was. my half-sibs and my dad is dying. of course they wanna be there for his birthday) #i just wish things were different #might delete later

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this bit has absolutely no right to be this funny