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j-graysonlibrary · 2 months

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Heartbeats; Paradise XXII

Title: Heartbeats; Paradise

Author: Jay Grayson

Word Count: 112K

Genres: Psychological thriller, drama, sci-fi, LGBT+

Available on: Kobo and my website

Synopsis: Melvin Hardy and Kade Axel appear to be a match made in heaven. After a meet-cute in the rain, the two quickly find themselves in a burgeoning, wholesome relationship.

Yet, things feel…off. It isn’t the ghosts of their pasts that resurface to test the strength of their partnership—no—it’s something nebulous. Something indescribable. Melvin can’t put his finger on it but, the more time he spends with Kade, the more he starts to wonder what’s real and what’s pure fiction.

XXII:

I see a few things on the trip as I slip in and out of consciousness. I’m being carried by Oz—I see that when I peel open my eyes and am met with the side of his face. I’m much more relaxed, being held by him, but I still wake periodically either due to the pain jolting through my body or the fact I’m picking up bits and pieces of conversation.

The town is in ruins. Every time I peer around Oz, I see rubble and dilapidated buildings. People sit around on the ground outside of their homes, holding their loved ones and crying. There is a small girl standing over two motionless bodies, holding a dog in her arms while she sobs. The dog licks her tears away but there isn’t much more it can do.

Fredrik, the leader, directs some of the other people in the rubble to take in the girl and her dog. He also lets them know the location of his hideout, telling them that there is enough food and water for all.

“Why is this…Federation…doing this?” I hear Kade ask at some point later.

“They started in my country,” Fredrik answers, “Many of us were turning to IVAR—maybe at an unhealthy rate—and our neighbor took advantage of this and bombed us into submission. They subjugated our capital and now have their sights set on other countries they can easily occupy.”

“Places that also have a high use of IVAR,” Kendra guesses.

“Right. To them, running away into the system is a weakness. In their country and their territories, they have banned the pods.”

One of the other men speaks up. “But we smuggled our fair share out.”

I fade out again and, this time, I don’t wake until we’re passing into a compound of some sort. There is a mangled chain link fence around the perimeter and bags of sand stacked to almost the same height which block off different sections.

Some people are outside—most huddled together by the trash cans that act as hearths. I spot the occasional kid running around and playing but the air, in general, is quite solemn.

A plane flies overhead and everyone tenses and goes completely silent. I stop breathing as well until the aircraft passes out of sight.

“This is a safe-zone but you never know,” Fredrik says with a low voice.

Great, I think, even now we’re not really safe. There’s still a chance we’ll be attacked and have to run again.

My eyes slip closed as Oz carries me up a hill. I see that we are headed towards one of the largest buildings on the compound which I assume is where they keep their medical supplies.

Or their dungeons.

When I glance to the side again, it’s as we’re entering the building. I see a statue half sunken into the earth. It’s dark bronze and portrays a young man with soft features and a short bob of hair. He’s wearing some ceremonial garb and I wonder if it has something to do with the religious practices of the rebels.

I have no intention of mentioning it. I really don’t want to risk saying the wrong thing—not when we’ll be relying on these people for safety and food for the foreseeable future.

Our group separates as we get further in and I don’t notice until I hear Kade’s voice fading away behind me. “So, what exactly does this Federation want?”

I’m surprised he’s asking so many questions. I would not have expected him to have such an interest in the current events of this place.

I can’t say I share his curiosity.

While it would be nice to know what’s going on, I really have no desire to stick around if I can help it. I don’t want to be in an active war zone. Though, I suppose, what I do want isn’t something I can exactly have.

Just as I start to lament that fact, a needle is pressed into my hand and I lose consciousness instantly.

It’s a lot like when I used to sleep in the virtual world—there are no dreams and I’m not aware of anything until I’m waking again. I can tell some time has passed but how much, exactly, eludes me.

I just know I feel sluggish and like I could sleep for three days straight if anyone were to let me.

I also notice that I’m no longer being carried but I’m leaning back on a soft chair. Oz is at my side, holding my left hand and rubbing his thumb against the back of my palm. It’s rather soothing but not so soothing that I ignore the man lacing a thick cord through my middle.

My shirt has been removed in my slumber and, I’m guessing, the wound in the back of my leg has already been dealt with because there is a new, more secure, dressing over it. I’m surprised that one was addressed first but I don’t claim to know much about medical care.

I watch the dark, nimble hands work the wound on my stomach, pulling it together with expert stitching. He finishes his work, only causing me discomfort but not any pain. I can guess I’ve been thoroughly numbed and drugged.

“There we are. Don’t stretch because these stitches can come out easy if you’re not careful. Just…try to rest for a few days.”

“Thank you, Shawn,” Oz replies with a polite smile and a curt nod.

“…Thanks,” I echo with a gravelly voice.

“I’m gonna check on your friend now. Got to make sure my assistant is doing alright without me.” Shawn gestures back behind his shoulder.

I don’t get what he means until he moves out of my line of sight. Across the room, I am met with the view of Kendra and Starla. At Kendra’s side is another medic, stitching up her arm. On her other side, like usual, is Starla.

My brow furrows and I look from my left to my right, surveying the room. There aren’t many people in here but, to my left, past Oz, is a partition so I think there’s probably a larger area beyond here.

Oz notices my confusion. “What are you looking for?”

I feel my brow push in even deeper. “Where is Kade?”

“I…” He sounds unsure as he talks which makes me even more nervous, “Well, I stayed by you as you were being treated and Starla stayed with Kendra so…he’s been the one explaining things to the leader.”

I don’t skip a beat. “Is that a good idea?”

“I trust Kade,” Kendra says, having overheard. I suppose we’re not that far away from each other.

I look across the way to meet her gaze. To her left, Shawn is checking over her stitches, nodding approvingly so I guess she’s good to go. And to her right, Starla scoots her stool closer to reach something of a midway point between us.

“You think he won’t overstep?” I ask with a raised brow.

“I think he’ll convince Fredrik that we’re not enemies of his,” Kendra doesn’t quite answer my question.

I look down and sigh. I can see how she’d think that—if I was suspicious of us, I wouldn’t necessarily discount us as hostile after speaking to Kade but I wouldn’t think we were working for the enemy either. I’m just not sure where this will leave us when all is said and done.

Oz helps me back into a shirt and, once I’m settled, I move to rub my eyes only to realize that my glasses are gone. While it’s something I was aware of before being put to sleep, I’ve forgotten since. I had assumed my blurry vision was due to just waking up and still having some drugs lingering in my system.

“Sorry I couldn’t retrieve your glasses,” Oz mutters and tightens his grip on my hand.

“Well, technically we did but they’re very broken,” Starla clarifies.

I sigh. “It’s fine…”

“Can you see?” Oz asks, bringing my attention to him.

“You’re blurry around the edges but that’s fine.” Honestly, it might be better for me if I can’t see clearly for a while. That might seem counterintuitive but I already have so much on my mind and so much I’m constantly absorbing since coming out of IVAR. Maybe having one of my senses be dulled will be a relief.

“Nina said she’d search for glasses with your prescription,” Kendra mentions.

“It’s not a huge priority,” I say and lean my head back on the seat.

Oz slowly pulls his hand away and I glance back over at him. He drags his fingers along mine before finally parting. “I’m going to check on Kade.”

I nod. Someone needs to.

“Rest a little, okay?” he says before walking off into the larger room outside.

Shawn and his assistant go with him and that leaves just me and the women. Before I know it, they’re both closer and Kendra sits on the side of my seat, staring down at me.

“You seem a little out of it,” Kendra starts.

“He’s probably still full of drugs,” Starla points out.

“Oh…right.”

I manage a fraction of a smile or, at least, I hope I do. The corner of my lip pulls up as much as I can muster.

“I’m fine…” I assure them both but my eyes stick to Kendra. Her worry is so evident in her stare and I wonder something that I can’t believe hasn’t crossed my mind before. I do wish I could see her more clearly in this moment but I ask anyway, “Kendra…do you still see your character when you look at me?”

She instantly has a reaction, recoiling away from me a little bit. I notice Starla staring at her as well and I wonder if she, too, is curious of the answer.

“No…not anymore.” Kendra shakes her head. “I can’t. You aren’t a character. You’re a real person.”

There’s another pause and, this time, it’s on me. I don’t really know what to say to her. I’m grateful she doesn’t see me as a fictional entity who became real but as my own person. But I also don’t know where to go from here. If there even is a natural progression.

Thankfully, Kendra continues on. “Do you want me to start calling you Liam…?”

Her words are well meaning but they stab me in the heart. I swallow the lump in my throat and frown. “No…I’m not Liam anymore. He’s dead.” It’s painful but it is the truth and I need to accept it.

Starla’s brows sink down as she pokes out her lower lip. “Do you want to go by a different name other than Melvin? We’d be more than happy to call you whatever you want. I’ve been thinking of other names myself…”

It has crossed my mind but nothing feels correct. Honestly, Melvin feels the most like my identity even if I have little to do with that character besides my physical appearance. When it comes down to it, I don’t feel like I should have a name at all.

I shouldn’t even be.

But, of course, I don’t say that. I muster another strained smile. “I’ll think about it too.”

“Maybe the other two will be interested in changing their names too,” Kendra muses aloud.

I instinctively look back to the other room as if I’ll see them as soon as Kendra mentions them. But I only see some of the rebels passing by.

“Want to move to the main room?” Starla asks. “I’m sure they’ll be fine with you taking your comfy chair. This way we can hear more details about the situation while we rest.”

I can’t say I’m interested as much as she seems to be but I would like to be around everyone instead of split up like this.

So, with the women’s help, we move to where everyone else is. It’s difficult to walk with one of my legs still a bit more numb than I realize. I nearly fall forward when I put weight on it but I quickly readjust myself and carry on. The walk isn’t too far, though I’m glad when I’m back in my seat.

I spot Fredrik easily as he’s about the same size as Oz and has a dark tan with jet black hair that feathers away from his face. His presence, in general, is quite striking.

He talks with Oz—both of them with equally stern faces. There is another man with them as well and it takes me a few seconds before I realize that I know him.

He’s in new clothes with an armored vest strapped over the top and his hair is chopped off but, even with my vision being as fuzzy as it is, I can still see that he is Kade.

He seems far more comfortable in this new garb and without all that hair in his face. I even catch his eye and he shoots me a look of concern but he doesn’t leave his post.

It’s just Oz who comes back over when he follows Kade’s line of sight.

“What are you doing out here?” he asks instantly and kneels down beside me. His attention switches to Kendra and Starla. “He’s supposed to be resting…”

“He’s alright, he just wanted to be closer to you.” Kendra all but rolls her eyes before adding, “We all did.”

“So, what’s the situation?” Starla switches topics entirely.

Oz sighs. “Kade wants to join the cause and I think, while we’re stuck here, we may as well get in good with the rebels and see what we can do. After all, if we can help them push back the Federation then we’ll be able to travel more freely. So, he’s going on a patrol with some of the guys and I was going to go with him to make sure he stays out of trouble.”

I smile and nod. “Good idea.”

“I don’t know how long it will take,” Oz lowers his voice and rests his hand on my shoulder. He looks conflicted but he doesn’t need to be.

“It’s fine. Kade needs someone to watch him.” Truthfully, if Oz wasn’t planning on going with him, I would make him at this point. He’s the only one I trust to keep Kade calm and grounded.

“Alright well…” he sighs and glances down to the floor.

I have the sinking suspicion that he won’t leave unless I promise him that I’ll be fine. The very act of doing so feels disingenuous but I still raise my hand up and cup the side of his face. I have missed this kind of contact but it certainly doesn’t feel the same as it used to.

“I’ll be okay, Oz.”

He leans into my touch but then his eyes shift over to the women. “Will you two keep an eye on him?”

“I’m staying right here anyway,” Kendra says, pointing to her own injury, “Not like I can do much else.”

Starla nods in agreement. She’s not hurt but we all know it would take a force of nature to pry her from Kendra’s side.

Oz looks back to me one last time. “I’ll be back.”

I watch him as he returns to Kade’s side. My chest doesn’t even ache—I don’t feel anything.

The two of them leave with a small group of rebels and I stare at the door minutes after they’re gone. I don’t think I’ve actually processed anything that’s happened since the explosions inside of Heartbeats; Paradise. It feels like years ago but I actually don’t know if it’s been a full twenty-four hours yet.

I almost laugh at that revelation but I don’t have the strength.

“You okay?” Kendra asks me after the silence becomes too oppressive for her.

I nod. “I think I need some fresh air.”

“There’s a little area to the side back that way,” Starla says and points back toward the room where we were treated.

I start to stand but both women are on top of me before I can get all the way up. They help me on either side and make sure that I know I can lean on them as I walk. A handful of the rebels watch us but no one stops us as we move to the side door.

It’s crisp outside and still dark though I don’t know if it’s the same night I fell asleep during or if I’ve been inside of this building for a day. I don’t find it pertinent enough to ask and, instead, I look up at the faint stars that sparkle in an even duller fashion than inside of IVAR. But, I remember, I’m also without my glasses. Maybe the sight is more breathtaking with clear vision.

I close my eyes as Kendra and Starla help me to the ground. It’s not very comfortable but I don’t care about that. I just want to breathe the real air even if it’s full of faint smoke and probably more than a little smog.

“Need a cushion or something?” Starla asks.

“No but…” I glance up at them both. I’m not sure if this will work but I need to try it. “Could I be alone?”

They exchange a glance and I can see the myriad of worries jumping between them. But, eventually, Kendra concedes. “Alright…we’ll be just inside, alright? If you need anything, just call for us.”

I show my appreciation with a weak smile.

Once the door is shut and I’m by myself, I set my sights on the horizon. My fingers sneak under my shirt and trace over my stomach until I find the row of stitches that holds me together.

I rub against them as my mind buzzes.

There is nothing I want here and, as much as I do feel love for the people around me, I fear it’s not enough. They want to keep fighting—to keep struggling for a future together—and I just don’t think I have it in me.

To be honest, I don’t feel like I have anything in me.

Except for maybe the imprints of memories of a life that’s not even truly mine mixed with the events I was forced to participate in…there is barely anything. And, while I could use this as a springboard and create a life of my own, I can’t say that I particularly want to.

If this is my story then I should be able to choose how it ends too, right?

With that in mind, I begin to pull at the stitches. Some of the numbing has worn off so it’s more painful than I expect.

I have to bite down on my lip to keep from moaning out in pain. If I make too much noise, Kendra and Starla will rush out here and stop me.

Tears roll down my face as I rip the thread from my flesh with trembling hands. Hot, fresh blood begins to pour over my digits, making the rest of the process much harder but I push forward. The more it hurts, the more sure I am that I want release from it.

I finally pull back the last of the thread and let out a small sigh of relief and satisfaction. I glance down to my crimson hand and feel some semblance of morbid accomplishment.

The energy is draining out of me at a faster speed than the blood and my eyes return to the horizon. Reds, oranges, and pinks begin to fill the sky overhead and I feel, for the first time since returning, that the real world may actually be beautiful.

One final tear slips down my cheek as a smile naturally stretches across my face. I slump to the side, unable to keep myself upright any longer but, still, I watch the sky.

The sun rises.

#heartbeats paradise #my novel #my writing

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j-graysonlibrary · 2 months

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Heartbeats; Paradise XXI

Title: Heartbeats; Paradise

Author: Jay Grayson

Word Count: 112K

Genres: Psychological thriller, drama, sci-fi, LGBT+

Available on: Kobo and my website

Synopsis: Melvin Hardy and Kade Axel appear to be a match made in heaven. After a meet-cute in the rain, the two quickly find themselves in a burgeoning, wholesome relationship.

XXI:

That first shake is enough to knock me off balance but the next one actually throws me down to the ground. In fact, Oz is the only one who manages to catch himself but he’s just barely staying upright by grasping onto the pavement under his feet.

The next hit is much nearer and brighter.

It must be only a few blocks away because the explosion of fire into the air lights us all up in bright orange. I can feel the blast and I worry it’s not the last.

The siren continues to blare but it’s the least of our concerns now. It seems everyone is thinking along the same lines as I am.

“We need to find cover!” Kendra shouts.

“Where?!” Kade asks.

Oz takes the lead and we all scramble up to chase after him. A couple of planes rip through the sky as we run and the ground tremors again but it’s at least a little farther away this time.

We head to the side of the road where a few buildings are squeezed together and we slip in the tiny path between their outer walls. I doubt it would help us any if a bomb is dropped on us but, at least, we are out of sight.

“Was this happening when you went into IVAR?” Starla asks—her face inches from Kendra. We’re all a bit close in here so it can’t be helped.

“No!” Kendra, honestly, looks the most confused out of all of us. “Not at all…”

“Well it’s a fucking war zone now,” Kade points out the obvious, “What the hell happened?”

“I don’t know!” Kendra frowns and glances down though there really isn’t any room to look away from us.

“Maybe we should head back to your apartment and wait it out,” Oz suggests.

“What about food?” I remind him of our original intent.

Oz turns his head from me to Kendra. “Surely you have some nonperishables still?”

“Um…maybe some rice?”

“We can split it for the night and come out in the morning,” Oz states definitively.

“Let’s keep off the main road on the way back,” Starla adds.

I can’t argue there and I’m glad we haven’t gone too far from our starting point. Though I’m sure, given the circumstances, the trip back is going to feel excruciatingly long.

Oswald leads again but Kendra is right behind him with Starla attached to her hip. That leaves Kade and me in the back. Kade shoots me a quick but loaded glance. I can’t tell if he’s worried about me or more so concerned that I’ll slow everyone down.

Our group slips past the building but still keeps along the back of them rather than running toward the street. Oz stops at the edge of the wall and peers over so the rest of us fall in line

Flashing lights illuminate the night briefly accompanied by the loud, piercing sound of gunfire. Each fierce ripple fills me with fear and adrenaline courses through my body, begging me to run.

But Oz stays still and holds his hand out, asking us to do the same.

The gun fire ceases but talking fills the silence. Whoever is attacking this town isn’t from here—I’m guessing—because they aren’t speaking English. I can’t decipher what language it is though. It seems Romantic or maybe Slavic but I really have no clue.

They shout at each other and I hear a man laugh.

Then a new, scared voice enters. They also speak a different language but it’s not exactly the one the soldiers are speaking either. I raise my brow and listen harder as if I’ll be able to understand by willpower alone.

The man sounds like he’s begging and then he adds, in English, “Please, I have a family.”

My eyes close when the gun fires.

Part of me hopes the soldiers don’t know English—even if that means they still would have shot down a (presumably) unarmed man in the streets. But I have a gut feeling they understood him just fine and simply chose to kill him anyway.

We absolutely cannot be seen.

Oz watches the scene without moving—I’m not even sure if he’s breathing or not. After a long moment he pulls away from the wall and looks back at us. He doesn’t say anything but he beckons us with his hand and starts to run again.

We flee from building to building, sometimes having quite the distance to run before we find cover again. It’s panic inducing, that’s for sure, but I have yet to hear any soldiers near us since those gunmen.

There is another explosion but that, too, is further into town. The ground shakes under our feet as we run and I nearly trip over myself but I make it to the next building as the tremors slow. I fall down on one knee and rest my shoulder against the brick surface.

Even when we do make it back to Kendra’s apartment, I wonder what we’ll do there. Eat, sure, maybe, but do we just huddle in a corner and wait for the bombs to stop? What if they bomb the apartment complex itself?

What if we’re making the wrong move?”

I can’t imagine what else there is for us to do, however. I can only follow the group and stay with everyone as that’s the closest to safe I can feel but my gut is churning with unease and uncertainty.

Those feelings are only amplified when we come to a wide open space between us and the outskirts of Kendra’s neighborhood. There is no way for us to head directly to her home without putting ourselves in the direct line of sight of anyone who might be out and about.

“What do we do?” Starla asks, her gaze jumping from Oz to Kendra and back again.

“We can make it if we run real fast,” Kade says with a shrug.

“That feels too dangerous…” Oz mumbles.

“I know a long way around,” Kendra offers, “It’ll take us further toward town though.”

My frown deepens. Both options sound terrible, really. I’m not sure one of them is the correct pick above the other.

Everyone looks to each other, hoping someone will step up and make a decision for all. It won’t be me and I can tell they all feel a similar way as no one lingers on me for long.

It really comes down to Oz and Kendra. Oz because he’s so level headed and Kendra because she—while also being rather levelheaded—knows the area the best. Kade must know his opinion is going to be looked over because he stays quiet as well.

“We make a run for it,” Kendra finally decides. She’s tense and I can see her gulp down her fear.

Like before, Oz charges out first. We all follow but I’m still at the caboose, keeping my eye on everyone as we run as fast as we can. If anyone trips or falls—especially if there’s another explosion—I’ll be able to help them up and keep them going.

My lungs beg me for relief and I gulp down air, trying to keep up with everyone. The muscles in my thighs burn and I feel like my heart will explode out of my chest at any moment.

This run is far longer than I realized. I don’t even see the apartment complex yet and I’m about ready to give in.

My face meets the pavement as a scream rips through the air and gunfire pierces my ears.

My glasses fly off of my face, landing several feet away and my leg is in agony. A sharp and jabbing pain shoots out from my calf to the rest of my body and I can’t move.

A second and more intense explosion of pain blossoms from my abdomen. Something besides skin and muscle is nicked, I’m sure, and if I couldn’t move before I really can’t now.

“STOP!” Kendra screams.

Another gunshot sounds and it’s followed by Kendra’s muffled grunt. Starla screams but is interrupted. I can’t see why but I imagine it has something to do with a gun in her face.

“What were you doing here?” Kade asked, indignantly, “Waiting for people to try and run home? You pricks.”

I hear yelling in that foreign language and Kade goes silent. Oz hasn’t said a word and I worry about him. There was a lot of shooting earlier…

What if…?

I can’t linger on it as the men speak to each other, probably deciding if they want to kill us quickly or torture us some first. I feel I’m already being tortured with the amount of pain pulsing through my body. I think I’d much rather have a bullet through my head about now rather than bleed out like this.

My mind starts to grow distant from me, even as I try to listen to the men speak in hopes I’ll recognize one word eventually. But it’s difficult to concentrate when every beat of my heart is leaking massive amounts of blood.

But then I hear the word, “American” out of the fog of unrecognizable speech.

Would us being American help us or hurt us? Are we even, technically, Americans? Kendra is, I know that for certain, and, as Liam, I was but I don’t know what I’d call myself now. Anika set our fake town as some made up place in America, I believe, but all of our bodies were given to us by a giant flower creature in an alternate reality so I’m not sure that counts for anything.

We definitely don’t have papers to prove who we are or where we’re from. An oversight that might have become a problem later on down the road had we ever survived to see it.

But I don’t think it’ll be important soon.

I turn my head and look up at my limited view. A soldier stands over me in a uniform I’m not at all familiar with but it is clearly beholden to some country’s military. The gun he points at my head is long and thin. I see only the bottom of his mouth as he talks to one of his brothers in arms.

The gun comes ever closer, as if he means to press the barrel to my head before executing me.

I can’t even close my eyes when the shot is fired.

It’s not my head that’s blown off though. Blood sprays from the side of the soldier’s head and he crumples to the ground beside me.

The remaining soldiers all point their guns away from us and start firing wildly. There’s plenty of yelling too but I’m sure my eardrums are busted from all the gun fire.

I notice a few more bodies falling and, while I can’t turn my head to see more, a woman comes into view. She’s wearing a casual button up shirt but with an armored vest strapped over the top. Her helmet doesn’t match her vest and her pants are a different color altogether as well. It’s like she’s put together what armor she can find.

There are more people than just her but she’s the only one I can see. She and the others talk, not in English, until Kendra speaks up.

I’m so glad to hear she’s okay after everything, even if she sounds like she’s speaking while I’m underwater.

“Thank you for taking care of those guys…can you help us?”

There’s an uncomfortably long pause.

Then an answer; “You only speak English?” A heavily accented voice asks.

“…Yes. I’m sorry but, you understand me right?” Kendra is getting desperate, I can hear it in her words, but she’s trying to keep calm.

“Yes, we do.”

“My friend is hurt really bad. He needs medical attention now.” I can guess she’s talking about me but I actually don’t know how bad off everyone else is.

“You five don’t look like spies of the Federation to me,” a new, deep voice bellows. My ears finally begin to readjust as well though everyone still sounds a distance away still. “We can take you to our base but we’ll keep you under surveillance until we’re sure of your position.”

“That’s fine—just help Melvin,” Oz says and I find myself smiling, or at least wanting to.

He’s okay. It’s such a relief I could cry.

“We’ll be your damn prisoners of war or whatever you want,” Kade adds on.

“Shawn, give that man emergency first aid then we’ll escort these civilians to base,” the deep voice commands.

“…Who are you guys?” Starla asks as hands fall on my body. I still can’t move but my wounds are wrapped with some sort of gauze. It won’t stop the bleeding, of course, but I do think it will slow it down.

“We’re rebels,” the woman answers, “We’re just trying to defend our home.”

“And the homes of others like us,” the deep voiced man replies. “My name is Fredrik. I’m in charge of this group.”

“Karl,” the first voice sounds off.

“Shawn,” the one closest to me says as they finish tying up my bandages.

And, finally, the woman answers, “Nina.”

“I’m Kendra,” I hear her begin the introductions on our side and my consciousness slips away from me. I attempt to hold on but only darkness greets my mind.

#heartbeats paradise #my novel #my writing

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j-graysonlibrary · 2 months

Text

Heartbeats; Paradise XX

Title: Heartbeats; Paradise

Author: Jay Grayson

Word Count: 112K

Genres: Psychological thriller, drama, sci-fi, LGBT+

Available on: Kobo and my website

Synopsis: Melvin Hardy and Kade Axel appear to be a match made in heaven. After a meet-cute in the rain, the two quickly find themselves in a burgeoning, wholesome relationship.

XX:

“Kendra?!” Starla is the first to speak and move.

As she pulls herself from the heap, I fall back onto the floor and I guess that she was the one I landed on top of. I’m glad I didn’t have her pinned too terribly since she squeezes out from me with relative ease. Oz gets pushed to the side as well as she rushes over toward the woman in the middle of the room.

“Is it you…?” Starla’s voice trembles as she kneels in front of her, reaching her hands out toward her face but not committing to the touch. It’s as if she’s afraid that she’s mistaken but I can’t imagine who else she could be.

“I told you I don’t look like Bree,” Kendra replies, sounding rather sheepish. “This is me…”

There is a big physical difference—I’m able to see better now that my eyes have adjusted and the computer screen has also switched to a brighter, white light that illuminates Kendra’s form more clearly.

Her skin is a medium brown with her eyebrows and shaved head being a slightly darker shade. She’s a large woman—a body type that didn’t exist in our closed off world but one I became more familiar with through my memories. My own body, as Liam, got bigger as I got older and Gavin was always larger than I.

Starla, however, has had no exposure to people who look like Kendra (unless she’s had old memories crop up for her, which I doubt). She looks over the woman with a furrowed brow and I genuinely start to worry she’ll reject her for her appearance.

But she throws her arms around Kendra’s neck and, to my surprise, kisses her on the lips.

I’m nowhere near as shocked as Kade is though. He jumps up, finally getting off of me, and shouts, “What the hell?! You two are seeing each other?!”

Oz shoves him in the arm, sending him back on me in the process. “Shh.”

Kade’s elbow just barely misses my crotch but it does dig into my thigh. I wince and try to reposition him but he squirms away from me. I get a slap on my arm as I attempt to scoot away and, at some point, Oz involves himself again and, in his effort to help, just makes Kade more volatile.

I hope the women are having a nice moment in the meantime.

“I’m so glad to see you all,” Kendra mentions, making us all look over at her. Starla is at her side, still clinging to her. “Don’t get me wrong but…how did you get here?”

We exchange glances, even checking in with Starla.

How do we explain what happened?

I’m still not sure myself.

But, of course, Kade doesn’t take long to respond. “No fuckin’ clue, honestly. We got sucked into this weird tropical forest and a big flower guy tried to kill us but, when he realized he couldn’t, he said he’d ‘give us bodies’ and then we fell here.”

Kendra’s face contorts with the expected amount of confusion.

Oz sighs loudly. “That’s a very…basic explanation, yes.”

“We’re not sure what exactly happened,” Starla adds on, “But that thing that brought us here was what killed Melvin’s past life. It’s why he was in IVAR, I’d guess.”

“No shit?” Kendra looks to me for more answers.

I don’t know if I have much to contribute, however. Starla pretty much just said all that needed to be said on my part and Kade, while leaving out a lot of details, covered the key points. I’m sure Kendra would like to know more but I’m not sure what giving her details will do other than paint a better picture.

We’ll still have all the same questions at the end.

I take a deep breath. “My husband and I found a weird object that I recklessly touched. We were sucked into that place Kade described and the flower killed us.”

Kendra rubs over lips with her index finger and stares past me as she thinks. “Hmmm…Well, when IVAR was invented it was more like it was discovered. The guy that found it said he came upon a spot that reacted oddly with technology. He and his team studied the phenomenon and, eventually, were able to replicate it and implement it into a system. Before IVAR came to be, the phenomenon was referred to as the ‘God particle’. Though, since IVAR, it’s become less interesting or mystical.”

“Wait…” Oz holds up his hand, “IVAR was created from a natural phenomenon? Not something purely technological?”

“Yep.” Kendra smiles but doesn’t hold it for long.

I feel like there is an answer right on the tip of my tongue but I’m just not smart enough to get it. Although, if Oz isn’t piecing it together then I probably have no hope of doing so in the first place.

“What’s it matter?” Kade asks with a groan, “We’re out, aren’t we? We’re in the real world?”

Kendra laughs quietly and shakes her head. “Yeah, you are. I can’t be too upset about this freakishly powerful threat you faced since it saved me the trouble of having to figure out how to get you all out.”

“Did you have any idea how you were going to do that?” Oz questions as he sits up onto his knees.

“Um…not really, honestly.” She chuckles breathlessly as she wrings her hands together.

“You would have figured something out,” Starla defends her and rests her head against the woman’s shoulder. It’s a sweet gesture but I can’t say I have the same faith that she does.

No one says anything for a moment so I take the reprieve to observe my new surroundings. Mostly, I’ve just seen Kendra and her immediate area which is quite bleak. Other than her computer, there isn’t much of note. But, behind her, still covered in some shadow, is the outline of something long and smooth. I’ve never seen anything like it before but the sinking sensation in my gut tells me exactly what it is.

It’s large enough to fit a person inside and the closest comparison I have is to say that it looks like a tanning bed. A very technologically advanced tanning bed, that is. A few lights occasionally blink on the side of the device but it’s not so bright as to be distracting.

Kendra’s IVAR pod. I can’t look at it for longer than those few second so I turn my attention back to the group and decide to break the silence, “So, where are we, exactly?”

“My university apartment. But where isn’t nearly as important as when.”

My brow pinches together. “What does that mean?”

Kendra softly pushes Starla off of her in order to retrieve her computer. She stares at the corner of the screen and sighs. “According to this, it’s been two years since I went into IVAR. Now…maybe it’s wrong because I can’t imagine my laptop lasting two years and then just booting up without a problem after so long. But…I don’t really know for sure.”

“Your IVAR pod stayed on though, right? So someone must have been paying for your power,” Starla points out. Right after Kendra, she really does know the most about this stuff—I never would have considered that.

“Not necessarily,” Kendra counters, “unplugging an IVAR pod that’s in use can get you a manslaughter charge in some countries. You can plug in an external source to let the person in the pod know that they need to come out but just unplugging it can lead to death.”

“I feel a loophole in there somewhere,” Oz mentions with a face of intense concentration.

“Some people trying to evade the law will hop into an IVAR pod or people who are just trying to get away from financial troubles. It’s…a bit of a problem back home.” Kendra scratches the back of her head. “But, as I was saying, I haven’t been able to access the network on my laptop so I can’t verify what year it is.”

“We can just go out and ask around, can’t we?” Kade asks and we all look at him. I don’t know if anyone will say it but I’m sure we’re all thinking it.

Is he in any state to be talking to real people?

“If you let me take the lead, sure,” Kendra says it in a much nicer way and offers a smile.

She stands up and pulls back the blinds on her window. I see a faint light but it’s from a streetlamp. It’s pitch black otherwise.

“We can travel to a convenience store down the road. I need to get us some food too…” Kendra mumbles but her words fill me with urgency as I realize something that I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to think of.

I sit up straighter. “How could you have survived for years in that pod without food and water?”

Kendra laughs. “Oh—a lot of pods have life support functions. It’s…well, some from the states are being made without them to prevent the issues I mentioned earlier but all the old models have them.” She jerks her thumb over to the pod in the room. “I could spend the rest of my life in there if I want. And some people do.”

It sounds like a pretty bleak existence to me. Sure, IVAR might have every kind of entertainment one could imagine but what’s the point of wasting a very real, very fleeting life disconnected from others?

Just as I start to think this is something I would definitely never agree with, everyone else starts to stand. I guess we’re headed out.

Oz offers his hand and helps me to my feet. I’m still a little sore but I do suppose stretching my legs might do me some good.

Kendra leads the way out and we follow her down a couple flights of stairs and into a parking lot. It’s only half full and there is some trash scattered across the ground. I look around and only half pay attention to the conversation happening at my right.

“Think there will be an axe for me to pick up somewhere?” Kade asks and darts off, acting as if he’s actually about to search for one.

Oz chases him. “Kade, you cannot break more emergency glass here!”

They’re having fun—whether either of them will admit it or not—so I don’t worry myself over them any. My eyes, instead, find what I can only guess is an art piece on the grass beside the parking lot. It’s twice as tall as me and many times as wide, thin, and reflective. It’s in the shape of a wave and I’m drawn toward it.

Though, as I approach, I notice my reflection staring back at me.

It’s mildly distorted due to the curves in the structure but I see myself well enough.

I could have guessed that I still looked like Melvin but I still feel nothing but disappointment upon seeing that face on the surface. All those beautiful features have been replicated perfectly for this human body but I don’t want perfection.

I don’t want this body at all.

“Not feeling it?” Kendra’s voice at my side doesn’t really surprise me.

I just glance down at her and, for a second, I stare past her to see that Kade and Oz have been joined by Starla. They are actively talking and laughing. I’m sure they’re beyond excited to have succeeded in leaving IVAR. I can understand that to an extent but I don’t feel free at all.

“Um…I guess not,” I answer as I fix my eyes on her. “It might sound weird but I wish that flower had given me my old body instead of this one…”

Kendra shakes her head. “It doesn’t sound weird at all. I hated being in Bree’s body.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

She smiles at me and her deep brown eyes squint in the process. “Yeah. Bree was very hot, don’t get me wrong, and I think I’d always wondered, in a way, what it would be like to be someone who looked like her. I’ve always been a big girl and, for most of my life, I hated my body. So, being someone like Bree would be ideal for me, right? It’s like wish fulfillment.” She sighs. “But that wasn’t my body. I didn’t think I ever would but…I missed this. My body.”

While Kendra and I’s issues with our bodies might be different, I still understand. As Liam, I spent years and a lot of money changing my body so I could be happy with myself. And, while the final outcome wasn’t some perfect, chiseled male physique, it was still my body. It was who I could finally be happy inhabiting.

I know Liam is dead and I’m just his ghost living in a manufactured shell but that doesn’t mean I can’t miss what I once had.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to it,” I say as I stare at the reflection.

I don’t know if I want to either.

“What are you guys doing?” Starla asks as she, Kade, and Oz approach us.

“You’re supposed to be leading the way,” Kade mentions, staring specifically at Kendra.

She gives him a faint smile and nods. “Right. Let’s go.”

Like before, she steps to the front and Starla keeps close by her side. Kade falls in line after them and Oz lingers by me. He’s looking at me like he wants to say so many things but can’t decide where to start.

I worry what will come out when he finally opens his mouth.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

Mentally, I sigh, but I keep myself together on the outside. The corners of my lips twitch in an attempt at a smile and I nod. “I’m fine. Just…getting used to everything.”

We start to walk as well, keeping some distance between us and the rest of the group. Not too much to where we can’t keep up but enough to where we can have our own, private conversation in peace. Though I don’t really want to talk right now, I can appreciate the space.

“It is a lot,” Oswald agrees with me after a lull. He sighs as he looks out at the three ahead of us but then focuses on the ground directly under his feet. “I’m happy to be out of that cursed place but I still have so many questions. Questions I don’t think Kendra can answer…questions I’m not sure anyone can.”

That is just what he’s like, I’m tempted to say. Oz could be given the answers to the universe and life itself and he’d still have follow ups.

“I’d like to know who I was still,” he continues, “Even if I had nothing to do with your old life, I still want to know. I want to know about Kade too. And Starla. I want to know what that flower creature really is and how this ‘God particle’ came to be. Do you think there will be books about it here?”

“The God particle you mean? Yes,” I answer with certainty. The way Kendra spoke of it left little to doubt that there is copious research on the matter. When things settle down, I’m sure Oz will be in heaven with the amount of knowledge at his disposal. I don’t have to strain hard to imagine what he’ll be doing with his new life.

“It’s fascinating,” Oz whispers and I catch him rubbing along his chin from my peripherals. “Though, it all takes a back seat to getting things settled immediately. As much as I’d love to sit down with all the information I can find and start piecing things together, we have to acclimate to our new surroundings first.”

“Acclimate?” I repeat without really meaning to but it’s out of my mouth before I can stop it.

“You know, get used to everything. Find our place—”

“I know what it means, Oz,” I snap but immediately feel guilty due to the look on his face. I shake my head and let out a slow exhale. “Sorry,” I mutter, “I just don’t really know what I’m feeling right now.”

Oswald doesn’t take my lashing out personally which is a minor relief but he does set his hand on my shoulder. He squeezes with care and asks, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Part of me wishes he would just take offense to my distant and stand offish nature right now. I swallow down a lump in my throat and answer, “No. Maybe later.”

I doubt I’ll feel up to it later either but, maybe by then, he’ll forget that he even asked. It’s a foolish and, largely, self pitying thought but I also wonder if he’ll forget he even cared…

My head snaps up when a loud thumping sounds overhead. I (and everyone else) watch several helicopters pass over us. Just as they cross the horizon, a siren begins to blare and it’s so close and so loud that I have to clamp my hands over my ears.

We all look toward Kendra, hoping for answers but she seems just as upset by the commotion as we are.

And then the ground begins to shake.

My heart flies into my throat.

What is happening?

#heartbeats paradise #my novel #my writing

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j-graysonlibrary · 2 months

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Heartbeats; Paradise XIX

Title: Heartbeats; Paradise

Author: Jay Grayson

Word Count: 112K

Genres: Psychological thriller, drama, sci-fi, LGBT+

Available on: Kobo and my website

Synopsis: Melvin Hardy and Kade Axel appear to be a match made in heaven. After a meet-cute in the rain, the two quickly find themselves in a burgeoning, wholesome relationship.

XIX:

It’s the same place!

I grab the nearest body to me which happens to be Kade. Like when Gavin and I fell through, we’re all on our assess so I know I have a moment to stop everyone before we walk into the same trap.

“Wait,” I say as the fear from my past latches back onto me. It’s evident in my voice.

“What?” Kade asks and frowns. I don’t know if he’s realized our change in scenery yet or if he’s just choosing not to acknowledge it. Knowing him, he’s figured it’s useless to mention it.

“I know this place.” I let him go and stand up.

“You do?” Starla asks, also standing. She looks around with confusion etched onto her face but she’s not noticeably perturbed.

Oz stands as well as Kade and I look to Oz who is, other than me, the most distressed by our situation. He frowns as he pokes at a nearby leaf.

“Are we in the real world then?” he asks before turning to settle his gaze on me. “You remembered this from your past, right?”

I nod. “I don’t know if this place is the real world though.”

“Where the fuck are we then?” Kade follows up with less care. He looks up as a bird flies overhead.

“I…don’t know exactly.” I gulp when I realize I’m contradicting myself. Everyone stares at me with expectance but I only have one thing to really bring to the table. “This is just where I died. Me and my husband both died here.”

Oz steps closer and grabs my shoulders. “What?” His stare is intense and, while I’m used to it, with all the other emotions coursing through me, I’m rendered speechless.

“Give him some space,” Starla suggests, “He looks like he just remembered.”

Slowly, Oswald lets me go and steps back. “Sorry…Melvin, can you talk us through what you remember?”

I give a slight nod. He and Starla continue to watch me, anticipation clear on their faces, while Kade starts to pace about and nudge the plants around us with his axe.

After I swallow the lump in my throat, I do my best to retell what happened. The most important aspects, I make sure to stress.

“Whatever that flower thing may be, it’s strong. I don’t think we stand a chance against it.” I can’t watch everyone I care about be cut down by that monster and I’d very much like to remain in one piece as well.

“I don’t see a way back,” Starla says with a sigh.

It’s true that the crack we entered through seems to have been a one-way trip but I can’t overstate how much I don’t want to run into that flower monster again.

“We can look for something together,” Oz responds and offers a fleeting smile for me.

“I can chop the forest down,” Kade suggests and swings his axe around.

Oz points at him. “No.”

He rolls his eyes but sets his axe back in its holster. Starla silently chuckles and I wish I could enjoy the moment as well but my heart still hasn’t restarted and my muscles refuse to relax.

We begin to search the area for anything suspicious. It’s much easier said than done on account of how everything here looks suspicious. I start to touch every plant I see, hoping that the exit will work like the entrance does. Maybe I’ll be sucked back and spit out wherever Kendra is if I just touch the right item.

“I hear running water,” Starla mentions after we’ve been searching for a while. She picks up a rock and inspects it before dropping it to the ground.

“I heard that last time too,” I say with a frown.

“Maybe we can find the source and follow the stream? If this is connected to civilization, we’ll find people eventually, right?”

It’s not a bad plan under regular circumstances but I don’t think, in this case, it’ll be too helpful.

“But if this is a separate reality then it might not work that way,” Oz actually says what’s on my mind.

“I don’t see why we can’t just confront this thing,” Kade mumbles and crosses his arms. “It’s a plant, you said. I’ll just chop it down.”

“And if we need it to let us out?” Oz asks.

“Then we should be seeking it out anyway.”

I don’t like either of their stances even if I feel Oz has a point. I already know how that thing reacts to intruders. I’ve clung to a sense of optimism before, sometimes ignorantly so, but this time I can’t pretend that if we just try really hard the result will be different.

“Melvin?” Starla gets my attention.

“…Yes?” I’m sure I’ve missed something with the way she and the other two look at me.

“We were wondering if we should find the flower thing and try to talk to it…?” She winces prematurely, as if she’s expecting me to yell at her.

I don’t have the strength to do that or the will. My shoulders sag and I close my eyes. “I…Gavin tried talking to it before.”

“Melvin…” Oz steps closer. He reaches out as if he’s going to grab me but he thinks better of it and lets his hands hang at his sides. “We can’t stay here forever just looking for an exit. We should be proactive.”

My stomach sinks. I’m being outvoted, like usual. “…don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“I won’t let anything happen to you,” he responds, sounding as serious as ever but that just hurts me more.

“That’s what Gavin said too.”

No one responds right away—Starla even looks down.

“Well, we’re not Gavin,” Kade states the obvious as he stares at me, “And you’re not Liam anymore.”

I can’t tell if he’s sick of me holding everyone back or if he’s genuinely trying to make me feel better. I’m so confused by his tone and intent that I almost snap completely out of my fear induced funk.

“I…I know that,” I say.

Kade shrugs. “Then don’t let their fate dictate yours. We could have a chance—you don’t know.”

I find myself jealous of Kade in that moment. Not only do I wish I could think the way he does but I also want to have no memories of my past. They have given me a sense of self but, right now, they do nothing but harm me. I’m not even sure that the lack of a past bothers him or if he’s just creating his personality as he goes.

There’s something freeing about that.

I’m too chained to Liam to understand it.

“Fine,” I concede.

“Lead the way then,” Kade demands and gestures his hand out toward me.

Oz sighs loudly and pushes him in the arm before returning to my side. “I’ll walk with you.”

I nod and let him keep me company as I begin to walk the path of my past destruction. Each step fills my body with dread and I find every movement closer harder—heavier. My lungs strain to keep full and my heart hammers so hard it’s starting to hurt.

The clearing comes into view and I grip Oz’s wrist immediately.

That flower is still there, as I knew it would be, and it’s in a near identical position as last time. It’s lying on the ground and the roots spread out around it, a few arching up over the grass.

“That is a big ass flower,” Kade mentions as he takes it in. He and Starla had been keeping close behind us but, now that we’re where we need to be, he walks out and forward.

“Don’t provoke it,” Starla warns her brother as if she knows exactly what’s on his mind.

Kade sighs and I spot him retract his hand from the handle of his battle axe. “What do we do then?”

“Last time, it awoke at the sound of talking…” I say despite the fact that doesn’t appear to be the case anymore. Otherwise, it would already be up and, probably, trying to dismember Kade if I were to take a guess.

Oswald nods curtly and pries my hand off of him. He shoots me a soft look before walking even closer to the red bud.

I want to yell and tell him to stop but I can’t force the words out. I just reach out and wince.

“We do not mean to enter your home,” Oz says with a loud, clear voice. “I know this is no excuse but we just want a way back to where we came from. Though, preferably, we’d like to be placed into the real world. If you can…we would be most grateful.”

My eyes dart between him and the flower and I watch with a churning gut.

As soon as the flower stirs, a jolt of adrenaline runs through me but I can’t do anything with it. I have to just stand there and endure.

“Ho—ly—” Starla murmurs.

The flower rises up and displays itself the same as before. “You trespassers are back…? No…only one of you returns.”

Everyone glances over at me and, while I notice that from my peripherals, my eyes are stuck to the plant. How does it know it’s still me? I don’t look anything like Liam.

“I sense your confusion. I can simply read your energy,” the flower continues, “What brings you and even more of your kind here?”

“As I said,” Oz replies with the same tone as before. It’s amazing to me that he’s showing no signs of terror. There’s no way he’s not feeling it. “We came here by accident. We just want to leave.”

“I thought I fixed the rip in the world…”

“…Who are you…?” Starla asks, staring at the flower with awe in her eyes.

“No one of your concern,” it responds easily.

“Hey, don’t talk to my sister like that,” Kade warns and I tense even more than I thought possible.

Starla doesn’t miss a beat, however, and comes back with, “Are you the source of IVAR’s power?”

I had not even thought of that. I’m so taken aback by the connection I almost can’t feel my terror anymore. It would make sense. I was killed by this thing and then awoke as Melvin. If it was the heart of IVAR, that would explain how I ended up here when none of the memories I’ve received from Liam show me using the system.

But the flower responds in audible confusion. “Who is Ivar?”

“The system, IVAR,” Starla clarifies. “It stands for Immersive Virtual Alternate Reality. It’s where we entered from.”

“…What…?”

We all exchange glances. I guess that theory is out since the flower does not even know what we’re referring to.

“That’s a bit beside the point,” Oz brings us back to the main problem; “We just need to leave. Could you help us?”

The rumbling that emerges from the flower sends me back and I brace for impact. This time I see the vines whip up around the flower but they don’t slice anyone just yet.

“And why should I?”

“Because he asked fuckin’ nicely,” Kade antagonizes even though I mentally beg him not to.

The blur of green through the air is faster than my reaction time. I’m yelling only after it’s struck down toward Kade. I recoil, expecting a bloody mess when the vine retreats but I find Kade, perfectly fine and in one piece.

He’s…dodged it.

“Ha!” he shouts and takes the axe from his back.

“Kade, no!” I scream but he starts hacking at the roots of the monster anyway.

“Stop!” Starla begs.

Another vine whips toward him and, this time, I don’t think he’ll be able to move quickly enough. Oz still tries to run to Kade regardless and I watch as far too much happens far too fast.

I can only register what’s happened after it’s over and the images lag in my brain, shambling into place. Oz does jump over and Kade is in the midst of swinging his axe against another root. I don’t believe Oz will reach him in time but I had been assuming he was trying to shove Kade out of the way.

He didn’t.

He’s thrown himself in the way and been cut across the middle. As he falls to the ground, Kade finally realizes that we’re all trying to get him to stop.

Kade drops his axe and a second tendril follows the first—a move I don’t even see until it’s slashing him down the front.

When he falls is about the time I absorb everything I’ve seen and I cry out in agony. I knew this would happen again!

I knew I’d lose to this monster again!

Starla’s screaming mixes with mine but not for long as she’s struck down next. I close my eyes and drop to my knees, knowing I’m next.

The searing pain in my chest isn’t even surprising.

But the suddenness of it’s absence is.

My eyes flutter open and I glance down to see the green vine retreating from my torso and, in it’s wake, static and colorful squares fill my wound and I feel much better. I whip my head up and look around at the others who are all stumbling up, their injuries also glitching back together.

“You…aren’t alive?” The flower asks and the bud lowers toward the ground. “Yet you aren’t properly dead either…”

Oz checks his hands as if he’s expecting blood but he then he looks away to stare at the flower. “I guess not.”

The red blossom twitches and I expect another attack though I’m no longer as afraid of it. Instead of a second assault, the petals of the flower begin to bloom and I’m amazed by how much larger it becomes as it opens.

That light I noticed just before Liam’s death shines out but then recedes as more and more of it is revealed. In the center of the flower is a strange shape and I don’t get a good look until the light draws back to just illuminate the form.

It’s like two humanoid creatures embracing and their bodies are glowing. One stands behind the other, wrapping its arms around them and resting their head in the crook of their partner’s neck. The one in the front bears two sets of arms—one pair holds their partner while the other stretches out, slowly swaying on either side of them. The petals fan out around them and, from the being in the back, emerges six wings that vary in color but blend into the petals. Their feet rest on the snake-like stem and, at some points, the stem looks as though it might be a part of their bodies as well.

The sight renders all four of us silent.

It’s a lot to take in.

“You cannot return to the world of the living but you cannot stay here—you are not permitted.” The humanoid in the front says and I can tell because their mouth opens, releasing more light as it does so.

“We can’t go back into IVAR,” Starla counters.

“The news of this IVAR greatly troubles us…” they continue with contemplation in their voice, “If others like yourselves can reach this place through it then it must be dealt with…”

“Hey, you listening?” Kade balks.

To my surprise, they chuckle. I don’t know if it’s just because I am now faced with a more humanoid shape but I swear the flower sounds more pleasant now. I suppose it does help that they aren’t trying to kill us anymore.

“Yes. I cannot give you much but I will do this: I will bestow bodies onto you that will give you access to the larger world. In turn, you must never return here.”

“Deal,” I say without a second thought.

The light from their form starts to grow again and it gets to a point where I have to cover my eyes with my hand. There is warmth in the light and all of my fear and even my hatred for the being are washed away as it passes over me. I almost don’t remember why I ever despised this place.

But it’s gone in a flash and we’re falling into a much darker space. I hear someone let out an “oof” upon contact with the cool, hard floor. I have someone’s knee in my back and I grunt and try to sit up but Kade is over my lap.

“Guys?!” A new voice calls out and I crane my neck up and look around.

It’s still dark but there is a blue glow coming from a computer that sits on the floor a few feet away. And, beside that computer is a large woman. I can only see her outline but I know I’m not familiar with it. Despite this, with her next words, I feel I do actually know her.

“How in the hell are you here?! I was still working on getting you out…what happened?”

#heartbeats paradise #my novel #my writing

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j-graysonlibrary · 2 months

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Heartbeats; Paradise XVIII

Title: Heartbeats; Paradise

Author: Jay Grayson

Word Count: 112K

Genres: Psychological thriller, drama, sci-fi, LGBT+

Available on: Kobo and my website

Synopsis: Melvin Hardy and Kade Axel appear to be a match made in heaven. After a meet-cute in the rain, the two quickly find themselves in a burgeoning, wholesome relationship.

XVIII:

Cameron is away at college and I suppose it’s something like empty nest syndrome that rears its head. But, before Gavin and I swing by the local animal shelter to make a life altering decision, we decide to have a road trip the likes of which we always talked about but never committed to.

We may be old now (especially according to our son and his hip, young peers) but we aren’t dead. And a lot of items still remain on that bucket list we drafted during our first year of dating—back in ye old high school days.

Our goal is to drive all the way down the east coast, stopping in Florida to see some tourist spots, and then come back. We have some other interesting stops along the way ranging from a bigfoot museum in Georgia to a hotel on the ocean in North Carolina.

I’m looking forward to a lot of our stops, even as I struggle to stay awake in the passenger seat.

It’s still early but at least the sun is starting to come out. We have the radio playing softly and, as I flutter my eyes closed occasionally, I hone in on the music. An oldies station is playing. It’s some rock band from the early two thousands. I remember my uncle really being into them back in the day.

“Getting to be about time to stop,” I hear Gavin mumble to himself.

I crack open an eye and peer over. The tank is almost empty and we’ve barely gone far from home. We’re in the next state, sure, but considering how much farther there is to go and how long it’s scheduled to take us to get to our first stop, it’s not an impressive distance.

But, I suppose, that’s also what we get for breaking out the old gas guzzler from the back of our garage.

Cameron has one of our electric cars and the other is too nice to take for a road trip—Gavin spent years saving up for it. Plus there’s a more plain, aesthetic reason in that the gas car just looks like the type of car one should road trip in.

We’ve got to be one of the few people who even still own a gas car, I think as Gavin cranes his head at the next exit sign, looking for gas stations nearby. I know they still exist—I see them sometimes in town. They’re always empty, yes, but they’re there.

“Ah ha,” Gavin keeps his voice down as he finds one. He must think I’m still asleep so he’s just talking to himself. “Now, to see if they’re open…”

I smile to myself and lazily watch the scenery pass me by.

The sun may be out but everything is a pale gray color. Many of the trees remain barren but some have the first signs of spring nestled in little buds and bright green leaves dotting their branches. I feel cold just by looking outside.

There is no one at the gas station, as expected, but there hadn’t really been anyone on the road either. It’s about time most people are headed to work so I’m surprised to see so little traffic.

Gavin mentions it as he pulls in as well. “Empty, huh?”

I finally rise, letting him know I’m awake but I stretch my arms up as if I’ve just emerged from a restful slumber. I can feel his eyes on me as he parks by a pump.

“Sleep well?” He asks with a smirk.

“Just a little nap.” I shrug.

Gavin nods and turns the key, shutting off the car. He glances from me to the building. “Should we grab some snacks? Coffee?”

That doesn’t sound too bad—especially the coffee. I nod and already start thinking about what I want. “I wonder if they’ll have those big cookies.”

“I can check,” my husband offers, his grin growing in size.

“I’ll pump gas then,” I say.

We accept our assignments and I, begrudgingly, leave the warmth of the car. It’s actually not as cold as I had thought but my cheeks are hit by a brisk wind and I shiver. I check behind me, out of instinct, to watch Gavin head into the shop.

It’s just us out here so there’s nothing to be concerned about, I remind myself. I keep my head down, blocking out as much of the wind as I can while I get the pump set up.

I lock in the lever and then promptly tuck my hands into my jacket. The screen on the gas pump plays some movie from early 2020 and I smile in fond remembrance. I actually recall seeing it with my mother when I was in middle school.

The nozzle clicks, letting me know I’m done so I risk the chilly air to put it up and close the tank on the car. I give the old girl a little pat in appreciation and then stare over the top of her to see if I can spot Gavin inside the store.

The glass is too dark to tell and I let out a sigh before allowing my eyes to wander. The area we stopped in is pretty barren—a few shops are down the street but, directly behind the gas station there is a grassy knoll and, seemingly, endless woods. I’m sure there’s a road through the other side of the trees but it gives the illusion of wilderness.

At the top of the hill, I catch sight of what I think is a bird at first. My eyes narrow as it barely moves, suspended in the air. If it is a bird, I think, it’s, for one, huge, and two, in trouble. But as I continue to stare, I get less and less convinced it’s anything living.

I get more curious, however.

Gavin is taking his sweet time getting us snacks and coffee and I’m already outside in the cold, I may as well have an adventure of my own. It’s not that far anyway—if I can easily see it from the car then Gavin will be able to easily see me when he comes out.

I step onto the grass, hearing a satisfying crunch under my boot. A few real birds fly from a nearby tree to one in the distance and I guess I disturbed them. “Sorry,” I mumble under my breath as I carry on.

The hill is much steeper than it looks and my thighs burn by the time I make it to the top. I’m really out of shape. All those jokes Gavin and I keep making about needing gym memberships are starting to seem less funny now.

I take a deep inhale, the cold air burning my lungs.

“Geez,” I huff and take a few more breaths to try and calm my heart down, “At least going back will be easier…”

I let out a final, loud exhale and then train my eyes on the phenomenon that brought me over in the first place. The strange object floating in midair.

It’s still bird shaped—kind of—or at least I can see how I mistook it from a distance. The actual shape, now that I’m in front of it, is impossible to say. It’s got a lot of edges and nothing looks like anything I’ve seen before and, when I move from side to side, it goes from looking dark to light and, sometimes, metallic.

I’m tempted to call it alien.

“Liam?!” Gavin’s voice reaches me and I look back toward the car. He’s holding a bag of snacks and a travel tray of coffee.

I wave him over dramatically and I can tell he’s laughing by how he moves. But he sets everything on the roof of the car and starts to head my way.

“It’s a steep hill!” I shout out as he begins the climb.

About halfway I can already see him regretting his decision. “No kidding…”

I chuckle and help him up when he gets close enough. I let him catch his breath, knowing how tough the climb is myself. And, when he’s better, I point to the strange, floating object. “Do you see this?”

Gavin scrunches his face as he leans forward to get a better view. “What is it?”

“I don’t know,” I answer honestly before reaching my hand out. “Should I touch it?”

My husband snickers. “Why not?”

I grin and press my index finger to it’s surface. Only, there is no surface.

As I begin to pass through the object, I try to pull my hand back but it’s already too late. Gavin must see the look of concern flash over my face because he grabs me almost immediately.

And, in the next instant, we’re somewhere new entirely.

It’s not cold anymore, I notice that, and it’s much brighter and more colorful. I’m also sitting rather than standing and, under my palm, there is greener grass that’s a little wet but I think that’s due to how much moisture is in the air.

I look to my side to see my husband, throwing his head back and forth, taking in the strange scenery. “What in the..?”

“Did you not see what happened?” I guess based off of his reaction.

His head snaps to me. “Did you?”

I shake my head. “No…”

We stand up and start to walk slowly around this place. A bird flies in front of my face, squawking as it goes and my heart starts beating like crazy in my chest. I rub my hand over my sternum and frown. If this is some weird hallucination, it’s lasting too long for my liking.

“Did we get…teleported…somewhere?” Gavin asks as we part the huge, tropical leaves that hang down and block our path.

I frown. “That’s not possible.”

“Well…?” He gestures around at our surroundings. I see his point but I know there must be some, more reasonable, explanation.

We were just at a gas station, topping off for our road trip—this doesn’t fit.

I hang my head and don’t respond. I don’t have anything to say and I keep hoping that I’ll wake up and be back in the car. That would make sense.

Gavin pushes past the last bit of foliage and we are met with a wide open space. I can see a rock formation far into the distance and I hear the flow of water but I can’t find the source. A few more birds fly overhead and there is a faint rainbow in the sky.

The strangest thing, however, is the humongous plant in the center of the field. The roots of it stretch out in all directions and are as thick around as my torso while the stem is as wide as our car. An even larger, red blossom rests at the top and, because of it’s massive weight (I’m guessing), it rests on the ground.

I look toward Gavin and see a very complex combination of expressions on his face ranging from confusion to wonder and, finally, to horror. More than likely, I would guess my face looks the same.

“What…in the hell?” he mutters under his breath.

As if activated by sound, the flower begins to move. I stumble backward, nearly tripping and falling due to the roots all around us. I throw my arms out and catch myself but I have no time to celebrate the small victories—not when such a monstrosity is rising up in front of us.

The blossom points down toward us as if looking at us. As illogical as it is, I get the feeling that’s exactly what’s going on.

“You do not have permission to be here,” a voice booms from the plant.

If logic wasn’t out the window before, it is now.

I feel my body begin to tremble as I stare up at this red bud that’s now, inexplicably, talking. I have no idea how to respond—if I’m even capable of doing so.

This must be a dream.

It has to be.

As real as this fear feels, I can’t wrap my mind around the possibility of this actually happening.

“You…talk?” Gavin finally manages to squeak out.

The flower ignores my husband and asks, “How did you come upon this place?”

I try to answer—I want to—but nothing comes out. Thankfully, Gavin is able to talk for the both of us.

“We found this weird floating object and touched it. Next thing we knew, we were here.”

The flower makes a low rumbling sound as it moves about again. I feel the ground shift under me and I glance down, only for a second, to see some of the roots twitching and pulling.

I fear this thing is irate with us for some reason.

“A tear in the reality…?” The plant’s “voice” lowers as if it’s thinking aloud.

“Look, we don’t want to be here,” Gavin has a tremor in his words. I look at him and see how stiff his body has become. He’s terrified. “If you could show us the way out…”

That rumbling sound grows louder and I’m nearly thrown off balance again. “You have committed a great sin by coming here. It cannot go without punishment.”

My heart stops and I can’t make myself move even though I’m screaming at my body to start running. Whatever this thing is…it’s dangerous. But no matter how much I acknowledge that, I’m glued to my spot.

Gavin isn’t though.

He runs over and throws his arms out, using himself as a shield in front of me. “You won’t hurt, Liam! Just send us back!”

“You wish to fight me?” The flower asks and rises higher into the sky. The stem looks almost serpentine as it winds upward and, as I think that, I’m reminded of the roots around us.

Finally, I’m able to move and I lift my feet up as the roots attempt to circle around my ankles. “Gavin! Watch out!” I shout as I leap to the side.

He turns around to look at me, his mouth parted to respond to me but no words come out.

Blood does though.

My eyes widen and a scream sticks in my throat but doesn’t leave me. I trail down his body and see a bright green tendril protruding from my husband’s stomach.

Gavin winces and, slowly, reaches out for me.

I throw my hand out to try to grab him and our fingers touch but the flower doesn’t allow us more than that. Gavin is flung across the field—his body bouncing up from impact and rolling even farther away.

I watch him, mortified.

This can’t be real, I keep chanting in my mind, hoping to force myself to wake up.

That low rumbling is the only thing that gets my attention back on the flower. I don’t really want to look at it but my instincts are screaming at me to keep fighting despite my will leaving my body.

I stare up at the blood red petals, closed into a bulb, and I see a glint of light shining from within. It’s all I have time to notice before a vine screams through the air and I’m on the ground.

Red floods all around me and I zero in on my legs which are a shocking distance away from me.

I can no longer deny this as reality—it definitely hurts enough to be real.

And that’s the last thought I have.

#heartbeats paradise #my novel #my writing

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j-graysonlibrary · 2 months

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Heartbeats; Paradise XVII

Title: Heartbeats; Paradise

Author: Jay Grayson

Word Count: 112K

Genres: Psychological thriller, drama, sci-fi, LGBT+

Available on: Kobo and my website

Synopsis: Melvin Hardy and Kade Axel appear to be a match made in heaven. After a meet-cute in the rain, the two quickly find themselves in a burgeoning, wholesome relationship.

XVII:

It actually stays dark this time though I brace myself for a sudden, bright light to be switched on. Some lights do come into view and a few of them are bright and neon but none of them are so vicious that they hurt my eyes.

Large buildings stand all around us—all dark with those neon pink and yellow lights acting as accents. The forms of the buildings are solid when I look at the ground level but then they fade together and disappear out of view the further up I stare and it’s like they meld into the night sky.

I return my gaze to the group and check in with everyone. We’re all here and with a little bit of Nate on all of us, unfortunately.

Kendra is a bit of a shock though.

I don’t realize it’s her at first but when she asks, “Are you all alright?” I’m able to put the pieces together.

She has an all black body that’s almost skeletal in nature and her face is a bright yellow smiling face. It’s something that wouldn’t look out of place on a sticker or in a text message but, in real life, it’s unsettling.

“Fuck, Kendra, what happened to your body?” Kade asks, fidgeting with his hands. His smaller axe is gone—still back with Anika—and I’m sure he’s upset about it.

“This was my anonymous guise when I came over to hack,” she explains, her voice taking some getting used to. It’s overly mechanical and robotic and there is a persistent static that carries throughout. “You’ll see a lot of people who look like this. I’m just glad you all kept your bodies. Looks like the meddling I did in your code worked.”

“But we’re still dead, aren’t we?” Oz asks, sounding resigned to his fate.

Kendra tugs at a cord that extends from the back of her head. It disappears into the air but she pumps a fist after she’s touched it. “I still have my tether!”

“That didn’t answer my question,” Oz mumbles. He’s right beside me so I touch his arm in a show of silent solidarity.

“I…” Kendra checks behind each of our heads, her smiling face blinking and turning into a pouting face. “I don’t feel any tethers so…you can’t come out through an IVAR pod since you aren’t connected to one.”

“Are we stuck then?” Starla asks with a frown.

I feel her sorrow. To have done so much and to have gotten so far to only be at a dead end is too cruel. I’m not ready to give up though. I believe Kendra will find an answer and, even if she doesn’t, we’ll figure something out together.

“I’ll have to work on it…” Kendra steps back and her face changes again to a pondering expression. “At the least, I can bring you all to my homestead and work from there.”

“What’s a homestead?” I ask.

“My own personal bubble in IVAR so to speak.”

I’m not sure I quite understand still since this entire place baffles me but, if we’re safe from Anika and her ilk, then I don’t mind.

“Alright, lead us there,” Oz says.

We follow in a huddle behind Kendra’s odd form and walk into the dark city. I glance over my shoulder as we leave our prison and I see the scale of the destruction.

A large building stands—barely—and a huge hole is blown out of the side. The signs all around the place are broken and most hang languidly from their posts. Pictures of Kade and I, hugging and kissing are accompanied by huge, bubbly letters spelling: Heartbeats; Paradise. The biggest picture of us flickers and goes out as I’m staring at it and I take that as my cue to turn back around.

The explosion has done more than offer us a means of escape, however. Like Kendra said, there are many other dark figures with bright faces and even more regular looking people. Others are dressed as cartoonish animals or in exaggerated humanoid forms. There is a lot of variety in those who aren’t the basic smiling people like Kendra but they all look over at the blasted building and at us as we attempt to flee.

I hold onto Oz’s hand, keeping contact as we enter the stream of bodies since I don’t want to lose him. I can see that he’s grabbed onto Kade in front of him and I bet Kade has a hold of Starla who is holding hands with Kendra.

The sudden pushing and pulling of strangers against me makes me even gladder that I reached out to Oz when I did. I frown as anxiety starts to inflate in my chest at the sheer amount of people around. I hear them all muttering to themselves about the explosion but I can’t make out individual words.

There are just too many.

We manage to squeeze past the densest area but, waiting for us, is a clunky robot with a siren blaring from him and a flashing light on his head. I rush closer to Kendra and the others but I also don’t let go of Oz.

“State your I.D. numbers, users,” the robot demands of us.

I look between everyone and see the same confused expression reflected back at me. Kendra stands between the robot and us. She lets go of Starla and produces another one of those translucent screens only, this time, it’s a little more solid than see-through.

It also appears to be coming from the robot.

As soon as she’s done, the siren cuts off and the light dies. The robot slumps over, lifeless.

“Alright, we have about five minutes before he reboots and calls for backup so we need to go and fast.” Kendra reaches down and grabs Starla’s hand again. “Don’t let go and keep up!”

I have no idea what’s going on but I run behind Oz while gripping his hand tightly.

Buildings and bright signs pass us by as we rush through crowds that wax and wane in density depending on where we are. We step onto a roadway that’s lined with flashing arrows and, as soon as we’re on it, I notice what’s different about it as we are propelled forward at a faster speed.

Still, we run.

Most people are parked on the moving walkway but we push past them all and keep our momentum going. My head is spinning at this point and it’s all I can do to just keep my legs working.

I don’t allow myself to take in the scenery like I might otherwise want to. It’s mostly fueled by curiosity anyway rather than genuine interest in the workings of IVAR.

Honestly, I’d go as far as to say I hate this virtual reality shit. As massive and, otherwise, impressive as it might be, I can’t feel anything besides bitterness in my heart toward it.

Oz’s hand tightens around mine as we ride the walkway into a new area. I hadn’t even realized we were passing through a tunnel until we’re exiting it.

A brighter expanse opens up around us and I see that we’re several hundred feet above a completely different city. I make the mistake of looking down and I nearly stumble over myself trying to wrap my head around it.

Up above, several other pathways wind about and some of them are occupied by trains that speed by in a flash. I would worry about one of those trains coming to mow us down but the fact there are other people on the walkway eases my nerves.

The closer we get to Kendra’s homestead (I assume) the more often that cord from the back of her head flashes into view. I guess it’s like a beacon to lead users back home no matter how far into the system they travel.

The walkway ends and Kendra takes us to a platform that she smacks some buttons on in a hurry. I just make it to the square and Oz has to let go of my hand so he can pull me closer by the waist. I grab his shirt and pull against the fabric as we’re suddenly dropped to the ground level.

“Sorry, it’s a bit fast,” Kendra apologizes only after the fact.

“I’ll yell at you when my fucking brain catches up with me,” Kade replies and we all grab onto each other again, forming a chain.

If the streets around Heartbeats; Paradise were crowded then these streets are infested. I can hardly breathe with how packed it is. Kendra has to check people with her shoulder and elbow to get through and she loudly encourages us to do the same.

“They don’t care! Just push and shove!” she shouts back at us.

I have to take her advice and throw people off of me as we squeeze through. It’s absolutely suffocating and my heart jumps up into my throat when I hear the last thing I want to.

Shouted above the deafening chatter is a crystal clear voice that pierces our ears. “IT’S MELVIN FROM HEARTBEATS; PARADISE!”

“RUN!” Kendra yells just as loud and starts to pull us harder.

I’m yanked forward but then I’m pulled back with equal force. I look over my shoulder, against my better judgment, and I’m met with a wide eyed, cartoon girl with a little, cat-like smile on her face. She’s got cat ears too which stand at attention as her large, yellow eyes sparkle with a flourish.

“It IS you!” She squeals. “Are you doing a promotional thing? Can I get a picture?!”

She’s got a vice grip on me and, even when I try to pull her off, she doesn’t budge. I also realize in that moment that I’m prying her off (or attempting to) with the hand that is supposed to be holding Oz.

He’s gone.

I’m alone.

The panic swallows me and I scream. I start to hit the girl in front of me, desperate to be free of her. “GET OFF ME!” I throw my hand down against her arm repeatedly. Even then, she doesn’t budge.

“MELVIN!?” More excited shouts come and I can see the crowd shifting with the incoming stampede.

My heart thunders in my chest and I do the only thing I can think and I throw a punch at my captor’s cartoon face. It finally loosens her hold on me but I’m aware that my situation is still hellish. I can start running but I no longer know which direction anyone has gone.

Every inch of me shakes with a type of fear I’ve never known until now.

I’ll be devoured by these people.

I’ll never see the light of day.

An arm snakes around me and I scream again, ready to peel them off of me and land what hits I can until I’m overrun. I turn on my heel and my scream tapers off immediately as I’m met with Oswald.

I’ve been happy to see him many times but this one might be the most dramatic of the bunch. I nearly let my relief wash over me too early—I have to remind myself that we’re still, very much, in danger here.

“It’s Oswald!” the cartoon cat-girl shrieks just as the other fans finally catch up with her. There are at least twenty of them and they glare at Oz with matching ferocity.

“GET HIM! BEAT HIS ASS!” one of them shouts and is joined by a chorus of rallying cheers.

Oz pulls me back, putting himself between me and the mob. He’s ready to face this alone but I’m not ready to watch what is about to happen. Already, I can imagine this group latching onto him and taking him down like a pack of wolves against a stag.

But he’s not alone for long.

After only a split second, before any fan has the time to charge forward and lead the assault, Kade emerges from behind me. His presence is almost like a tonic, stopping the crowd in their tracks. Many of them start shouting in excitement again, no longer acknowledging that Oz is even here.

“Oh my God, it’s Kaddie!” A human-dragon hybrid shoots their scaly arms into the air.

“Sweet angel Kade!” Another cat-girl with an all pink coloration mewls and clasps her paws together as if she intends to pray.

I feel slightly better now that I’m not by myself anymore (and even better still that Oz is no longer the object of their ire) but I still don’t see how we’ll escape this nightmare.

Kade is the creative type, however, and he unhooks the huge battle axe from his back and holds it in front of him. I can’t see his face but I imagine he’s grinning like mad.

“Sweet angel?” he questions and chuckles deeply, “Come a little closer and I’ll show you what your sweet little boy thinks of all of you.”

As he swings the axe at them, they finally realize something is amiss. One of them screams in legitimate terror while the others shuffle back in bewilderment.

Before he can actually hack any of them apart, a bright, rectangular blockage appears between us and them. A few more pop up, separating us not only from the fans but from the rest of the crowd as a whole.

I glance behind me, taking a second to settle on Oz and give him a small nod in thanks for coming back for me. I’m not sure when he noticed we had been separated but he could have just left me. He’s not the kind of man who would do such a thing, I know, but it still fills my core with warmth to have him come to my rescue in such a manner. Kade, too, could have left us and, out of the two of them, I might have expected it more from him. Yet, he chose not to leave us behind…

My gaze drifts back even farther and I see Starla and Kendra running toward us. Kendra’s face has a blue tint cast over the eyes. “This barrier won’t last for long,” she warns, “We’re almost there!”

Since there is no worry of the crowd splitting us up again, we run side by side and Kade keeps his axe in his hands, ready to start swinging once the blockers dissipate. I hope they stay until we’re in Kendra’s homestead—I can’t deal with another situation like the one we just escaped.

I’m exhausted from it.

My body begs me for respite but I push on.

As the rectangles begin to flicker, the crowd also begins to thin significantly. I let out a sigh in relief and then grab Oz’s hand again. Just because there are less people doesn’t mean I’m still not worried about being separated.

We approach a bridge where, from underneath, a steady flow of people seems to be appearing into thin air. Kendra points with her free hand at a pillar and we all slow down as we come upon it.

“Here—my homestead is just beyond here!” she exclaims with a happy face now on display and then rests her hands on her knees. It’s hard to believe she’s out of breath when she looks the way she does but I don’t linger on it. “I’ll open the portal and you can follow me in.”

She fiddles with some controls in a panel she’s manifested. A door sized hole appears in the pillar and Kendra jumps through, showing us it’s safe.

Starla steps forward next but she runs, face first, into the cement.

I didn’t even see when it happened but the door is gone already. I blink and shake my head.

“What?” Starla rubs her injured face with one hand and the pillar with her other.

“Kendra!” Kade screams and slams a fist against the surface.

“Maybe she’s working on a different portal for us,” Oz suggests, sounding unusually optimistic. It’s what I would normally say, though, this time, I’m starting to let the negative ideas nip at me.

What if Kendra has no intention of helping us? What if she can’t?

Kade raises his axe up and promptly slams it against the pillar. “OPEN UP!” He screams and strikes it again.

Oz pulls him off, having to hold his hands to keep him still. “That’s not going to help!”

“You don’t know that!”

“You almost chopped my finger off!” Starla points out, cradling her hand close to her chest.

“I didn’t,” Kade huffs. He’s not struggling against Oz nearly as much as I would expect him to but he’s probably exhausted. Or, more likely, he’s gearing up for another attack. “Wait…”

I glance down at him and see that he’s staring at the pillar with a frown and narrowed eyes. I follow his gaze and see, where he’s axed the structure, a faint light shining from the crack.

“What…is that?” Starla asks and leans closer. She reaches a curious hand out toward it and my heart jumps up into my throat as she lurches forward.

“Starla!” Oz shouts and lets Kade go to grab her.

Kade grabs Oz and I reach out and touch Kade before we all get sucked through. It’s more vertigo inducing than the ride on the moving walkway and I take several minutes to collect my thoughts.

It doesn’t help that it’s bright in this new place.

I open my eyes, almost expecting to be back with Anika again but, luckily, it’s not the same space.

Lush, green grass stretches out under us and we’re surrounded by thick, vibrant plants. Large, green, fan-like leaves block our path and birds chirp around us. The air is humid and a moist sheen settles onto my skin.

While the scenery is quite breathtaking, I’m frozen in place.

Fear sinks its fangs into me and I feel tears well in my eyes.

I remember this place.

#heartbeats paradise #my novel #my writing

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j-graysonlibrary · 2 months

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Heartbeats; Paradise XVI

Title: Heartbeats; Paradise

Author: Jay Grayson

Word Count: 112K

Genres: Psychological thriller, drama, sci-fi, LGBT+

Available on: Kobo and my website

Synopsis: Melvin Hardy and Kade Axel appear to be a match made in heaven. After a meet-cute in the rain, the two quickly find themselves in a burgeoning, wholesome relationship.

XVI:

The white walls are smooth with incredibly light gray designs blinking into them—tracing lines into the sides and then disappearing into nothingness. It’s boring scenery but, for some reason, just taking it in fills me with dread. Looking at this woman before us only serves to exacerbate that feeling.

Kendra scowls as she says the name, “Anika.”

A flash of movement at my side causes me to look over. Oz is already reacting to it but he’s still too late. Starla is shoved to the side in the process and Nate watches with a similar confused expression as I imagine I have.

Kade brings his axe down on Anika, crying out in anger as he does so.

I flinch as I expect to be bathed in blood but that doesn’t happen. Anika’s body does explode—in a way—but she’s burst into a million pixels at the contact. Kade’s axe pierces the ground under her and he has to grunt and yank with quite a bit of might to pull it free.

Anika reappears a few feet away, perfectly untouched.

This doesn’t deter Kade, however.

I watch with a mixture of worry and exasperation. While I wouldn’t mind, in this one case, Anika getting an axe to the head, I don’t know if I’d actually want to see it happen. And now that she’s avoided one strike, I’m certain I won’t see it. Though Kade seems to believe if he just keeps trying, he’ll get her eventually.

He throws his axe toward her several more times—each ending the same way. Everyone starts to call out to him, to get him to stop, but he doesn’t listen. Even I shout his name.

His hair is in his face and he’s sweating and panting. His whole body heaves as he gears up for another attempt to axe her.

“Kade, she’s not real!” Kendra shouts, finally able to get more than a few words out. When he stops to look at her, she explains, “This is just Anika’s author portal. It’s the A.I. version of her that fans can interact with and ask questions to. She’s not the real Anika.”

He spits, “I still want her dead!”

“You can’t kill her,” Oz states the obvious, “Save your strength.”

Kade glares daggers at him but doesn’t move to attack any longer. He just tightens his grip on his axe and turns toward Anika with a glower.

Anika, in turn, clasps her hands in front of her and smiles politely. “Before you ask any questions, would you like to check the Frequently Asked Questions forum to see if your question has already been answered?”

We all look at each other. Sure she’s A.I. but she sounds more robotic than even the extras in our world did. I wonder if anything she says will be worthwhile at this point. Oz appears to be feeling similar to me but Kade is still pissed. Starla looks confused and Kendra…I can see the wheels turning in her head.

To my surprise, she’s not the one to speak up first. It’s actually Starla.

“What can you tell us about the diving program you used in your story? It’s what’s responsible for bringing us here, right?” She asks and steps closer to the woman. “Why did you use that? And were you aware of what it was doing?”

It’s a perfectly reasonable question and I’m impressed by how calm and collected Starla is while asking it.

Still, Anika cocks her head to the side and keeps the pleasant smile on her lips. “I’m sorry; I don’t know what you refer to. Please check my Frequently Asked Questions.”

“Cut the bullshit!” Kendra yells, forcing my attention back on her. She’s trembling—angrier than I’ve ever seen her—and she points a finger to Anika. “I saw that little checkmark next to your name! I know your author portal is your uploaded consciousness. Stop acting like basic ass A.I. and answer the fucking question.”

I want to ask about this “uploaded consciousness” but I don’t want to interrupt. I assume, based off of Kendra’s attitude and the words themselves that certain users of IVAR have an elevated status and are able to have their consciousness digitized in this format instead of leaving a generic program with their face slapped on for people to interact with “them” while they aren’t personally in the system. That brings a lot of other concerns to my attention such as the sentience of this consciousness and the kind of existence it’s forced to live but, again, I keep it to myself.

A colorful ray extends from Anika and scans over Kendra, beeping upon completion. “Ah, Kendra. I thought that might be you.”

“..Did she just scan you?” Oz asks.

“I don’t think she needed to,” Kendra answers, clenching her fists, “You had to have seen my work in your story. Who else could it have been?”

Anika’s brows dip down but her smile doesn’t disappear. “You failed in your mission. I still wrote the story I wanted to write and everything happened the way I wanted it to. Even when the characters rejected my input, I’d just write over their free will and publish my version. I’m the author. You cannot best me.”

“Oh, I’d love to talk with you about everything you did as the author but…” Kendra glances over to us and sighs, “That’s not what’s important here. Anika, you’ve been here overseeing everything so I know you have access to user logs and I know you have recordings of every interaction with the story. I need you to find where these people came from. Scan their User I.D.s so I can get them back home.”

She’s not mentioning the prevailing theory of our deaths, I notice. But, maybe she’s changed her mind on the matter or maybe she’s just being hopeful?

It has a ripple effect and I’m also feeling a glimmer of hope rise up in my gut. Could I still have a home to return to? Could Gavin and Cameron be waiting for me?

Anika takes a few steps forward, glancing between each of us with a smile that suggests she has some secret. “You mean you can’t tell, Kendra? You can’t read their User I.D.s?”

I look from her to Kendra. She’s pained but I can’t read much more from her expression.

“You should know,” Anika continues and reaches her hand out, close to Nate.

He stares at his creator blankly and, in a second, he’s gone. Warm, wet splatter lands on my face, across my glasses, before I even register what’s happened. No one’s screaming but Starla gasps in surprise as she, too, is covered in blood from the mini explosion.

All that’s left of Nate is on us and on the ground.

Is she going to do this to all of us?

“What have you—?” Kendra starts to ask but is promptly cut off.

Anika turns on her heel to face her. Unlike us, she’s free from Nate’s blood and that content smile of hers lingers. “You don’t actually care! You knew he was just A.I.”

“I wasn’t completely sure!” she yells back.

Anika shakes her head. “You really have gotten lazy haven’t you?” She tsks and then begins to pace. “You can’t even tell who’s a user and who’s A.I. anymore. Or, perhaps, my program is just that amazing?”

I can tell Kendra wants to take her head off but she lets out a long, controlled sigh instead. “I need you to scan these four and tell me what you find. The reason they’re here is because of your diving program that you didn’t properly delete so take a little responsibility.”

She rolls her eyes but throws her hand out toward us anyway. I instantly tense, expecting to be popped like Nate, but the same ray that was used to scan Kendra glides over me. Each of us has a turn and Anika’s expression doesn’t change the entire time.

Once she takes her hand back, she sets her eyes on Kendra. “Nothing.”

“Nothing?” Kendra repeats.

“What do you mean, ‘nothing’?” Oz demands.

“You don’t have User I.D.s,” Anika answers with a dramatized sigh, “That means you aren’t connected to an account which means you were disconnected at some point or you are dead. Though, disconnection for this long would kill you anyway so…either way, you’re all dead.”

“You have to know more than that!” Kendra shouts, throwing her arms out, “You have to have seen when these souls interacted with the story, right? There has to have been some disturbance to mark their arrival!”

“They probably hopped on IVAR, came to check out or pre-order my story, and got disconnected in the process. I can’t comb through the millions of viewers, Kendra.”

“You think…” Kade says slowly and I snap my head over to him, worried what he might do. I notice his knuckles turning white as he grips the handle of the axe tightly. “You think I was a viewer? You think I went out of my way to read your dogshit, boring ass, waste of time TRASH, you CUNT?!”

“I’ll have you kno—” Anika doesn’t finish as Kade’s axe swings through her again. I know it won’t do anything at this point but I’m honestly happy to see her get interrupted in such a way.

I’m sick of hearing her. I’m sick of seeing her too.

But, of course, she reforms every time she’s cut down. “You can’t kill me, you idiot!” she screams before she’s attacked again.

This time, she reappears farther away and Kade lets his arms rest, panting from overexertion again.

“You should be lucky to have ended up in my story, you know,” Anika remarks as she slowly returns. “The amount of horrific shit on IVAR is staggering! You should be grateful to be dropped into something with VALUES and MORALITY!”

“Oh, you mean like your monster gangbang story?” Starla asks and puts her hands on her hips. “He should be lucky he wasn’t made to be the protagonist of that one, Anika?”

Her face reddens and she whips around to Kendra. “You bitch. You KNOW I’ve changed since then.”

“Yeah, and not really for the better.” Kendra crosses her arms. “You claim to be this progressive artist that tells stories for minorities but all you’ve done is reinforce negative and, frankly, harmful ideas. Sure, the main characters are gay but they have to be perfect and morally pure? The only people into kink are the pedophiles? There’s one Asian character and the only indicator that she’s Asian is that her last name is Cho?!”

“I also added a line about pronouns so the transgenders can’t get mad at me!” Anika responds as if she’s making a point. Really, she’s just helping Kendra with her list of grievances.

“Oh, how could I forget?” Kendra throws her hands up and scoffs. “And where are the black people, Anika? I didn’t even see a single extra who was black.”

“It’s set in a mostly white city,” she says and shrugs, “plus, every time I try to add a black character, you people get bent out of shape because I do something wrong. So I may as well not, you know?”

“Wow…how the fuck was I ever friends with you? Were you always like this deep down or did that backlash against Skylar’s story really change you this much?”

Anika’s face twists as she says, “Stop bringing that up! That was the old Anika. She’s dead! The people who confronted me back then were right and it took me an embarrassingly long time to realize it.” She laughs and the sound of it makes me feel like I should start running. “Our society is disgusting, Kendra, and we can’t let people publish their dirty perversions anywhere they want. What I’ve done is the ONLY way to write about love and sex! It’s black and white. Thinking otherwise can muddle the mind and we need to have clear moral guidelines in our art so that children can see what’s right and what’s wrong so they aren’t led astray like we were.”

“Moral guidelines?!” Kade responds, hoisting his axe into the air. Anika already starts to flee but he throws it this time, hitting her and scattering her data. “What the fuck is moral about making me sit on a dick against my will?!”

“Kade wasn’t supposed to be possessed by some dead psychopath like you!” she spits, “He was supposed to be an innocent, feminine boy who readers could see themselves in.”

“Young girls, you mean,” Starla hits the nail on the head.

While Kendra’s story of Anika had painted a pretty detailed picture, listening to her now has really filled in the gaps. I wish I had been pulled into any other story. Any other world. At least a different author might feel sympathy for our plight—show some form of remorse. But all she does is make it about herself. And her weird purity crusade.

“That’s the biggest demographic, sure. I don’t see what that has to do with anything,” Anika gripes.

“You got so brainwashed, Anika,” Kendra says with a dry laugh, “I almost feel bad for you.”

“Brainwashed? You’re the brainwashed one!”

Kendra shakes her head. “Art is expressive and, yeah, sometimes it carries with it a social, political, or moral message but that’s not the point of art. It’s to let out something that’s in you. It’s to express what you feel inside and show how you interact with the world around you. It’s personal and sometimes deeply private and that can make it dark and upsetting as well. That doesn’t mean it’s evil.”

“That shit is evil!” she retorts, “Those old stories we used to write were wicked! All we focused on was our erotic impulses and our low-vibration need to see others suffer! Only vermin enjoys that stuff! Real, good people want characters they can see themselves in and happy endings!”

“There’s room for both kinds of stories, Anika.”

I look between the two of them and, while I think Kendra, especially, has been holding all of this in for years, I can’t find it in myself to really care.

This is between them.

This is their history and their fight over their ideals.

This has nothing to do with me.

Before I know it, I’m clenching my jaw and a fire is flaring through my veins.

“Shut up!” I shout, getting many pairs of eyes on me. “I don’t give a damn! This has nothing to do with who’s right or wrong! I had a life…I…my name was Liam and I had a husband and a son! There’s probably no way I’ll get to see them again and I was forced to play house in this stupid fucking virtual world. I want out! That’s it! I don’t care about anything else!”

“I want out too,” Oz backs me up and places a hand on my back. “You two can continue this conversation later—without us.”

“Yeah, we already know we’re dead so what’s the point in sticking around?” Kade asks and Starla nods at his side.

“I’m sorry,” Kendra murmurs, “I lost sight of what’s important.”

“What’s it matter anyway?” Anika pipes up. “You just said it—you’re dead. Where can you go? What can you do?”

“Anything is better than staying here and listening to you,” I respond with a scowl.

She starts to argue but the room shakes and, like the sky in our world, the walls begin to break apart to reveal an abyss beyond. Anika’s form even starts to flicker—effected as well.

“The bombs!” Kendra gasps. “They’re still going off!”

We exchange glances before rushing toward the exit, not needing Kendra to lead the way this time. I can only hope that this void will actually lead us outside.

“Where are you going?!” I hear Anika scream but I don’t turn back to look.

#heartbeats paradise #my novel #my writing

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j-graysonlibrary · 2 months

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Heartbeats; Paradise XV

Title: Heartbeats; Paradise

Author: Jay Grayson

Word Count: 112K

Genres: Psychological thriller, drama, sci-fi, LGBT+

Available on: Kobo and my website

Synopsis: Melvin Hardy and Kade Axel appear to be a match made in heaven. After a meet-cute in the rain, the two quickly find themselves in a burgeoning, wholesome relationship.

XV:

It’s been days—even a week maybe—of constant killing and, while there have certainly been changes, we are still trapped. I’ve seen the same people be shot and hacked up on a daily basis but there is no exit in sight. Though the world no longer looks quite the same anymore.

On our daily trek, we pass by the same buildings as always but over half of them are drastically changed.

Where a brick and mortar shop stood before, there are now bright, luminescent grids and they flicker and glitch as we walk by. It’s especially jarring next to a lifelike building that we can enter and walk about like normal.

Kendra says the program is in its final throes but she’s also been saying that for the past three days. It’s definitely struggling to keep up with the amount of murder happening to its extra characters but it’s still holding together. A couple of times a day, every day, I see Kendra open up a panel in thin air and try to mess with the code to get us out.

But it’s never enough.

I’ve almost become jaded to the sight of people being chopped to pieces and children being executed with a bullet between the eyes but I still haven’t pulled the trigger myself. I’m sure everyone has noticed by now but no one has confronted me about it.

I have a feeling Oz has warned all of them not to.

Occasionally, he looks back at me and gives me a remorseful nod and I know he’s only doing so much extra work so I don’t have to. I really do appreciate it and it makes me feel all the worse that I’ve started to distance myself from him.

Each night I’ve had dreams of my old life and more details are filled into my memory. Some of them have been quite intimate and I chalk those up to the fact I haven’t been able to have sex with Oz since this mission began. My mind is making up for it with these dreams.

Images of my old life with Gavin are often what’s on my mind and I think less and less about who is around me and our desired futures. It’s as if there’s no room to imagine what might come after this as well as room to reminisce about my past.

I just can’t shake how much I miss my husband and son and all of our friends. I miss my old life—even more now that I know I won’t be able to return to it.

Sleeping next to Oz at night just doesn’t feel the same.

“How about now?” I hear Starla ask after she and her brother massacre the patrons of a small book store. She’s got some backsplash on her as well but it’s nowhere near as bad as Kade.

The siblings look over, expectantly, to Kendra. She pops open a panel in front of her face and fusses with it for a moment. Her brow furrows and I can already tell there’s bad news coming.

“Shit,” she curses and closes the screen. “Still not enough. I swear, it’s like we make progress but it resets overnight.”

“Then we don’t sleep and just keep at it,” Kade suggests as if that’s a real, viable solution.

“I need my beauty rest, Kaddie,” Nate responds, sounding more and more off kilter. I’ve noticed some of the repeating dialogue but, honestly, that’s not what’s most off putting to me. It’s his delivery. As if he’s not holding a gun in his hands, as if he’s not shooting down his fellow man.

“We do need some sleep,” Kendra agrees but I don’t miss her cutting her eyes at Nate.

“We just need to do more damage then,” Oz counters. He doesn’t look back at me but I feel the implication in his words.

I need to get over myself and start helping.

He won’t say that, of course, but he means it.

“Anyone want to hear my suggestion?” Starla asks as she holsters her gun. We all turn toward her, giving her silent permission to continue. “I found an interesting book while we were in the shop.”

“A book?” Kendra raises an eyebrow.

She pulls out a small manual from the back of her pants where, I guess, she tucked it into her waistband. It’s a simple looking book and I walk closer to see that it’s titled: Home Made Explosives.

“That was just in there?” Oz asks what’s on my mind.

Starla shrugs. “I thought we might be able to use it. On the buildings that stubbornly hang on, we could plant explosives and take them out. That should destabilize things a lot, right?”

We all glance to Kendra for an answer. She rubs her lips in thought and pauses for a little longer than any of us are comfortable with.

“Well?” Kade urges.

“I’m not sure,” she replies with a little frustration clear in her voice, “In theory, yeah, it’ll be effective but there’s a lot to consider. Like if we’ll have the materials to make the bombs, if we’ll even make them correctly, and then if it actually will be enough.”

“It’s better than just doing the same thing every day, right?” Oz sounds like he’s already on board.

“I don’t know,” I say and step closer to Kendra, “What if we make them wrong and we kill ourselves in the process?”

“We’ll come back, duh,” Kade retorts.

“…That’s not really my point.”

He seems completely unfazed by the possibility of being blown to bits. Sure we might reanimate but does he think it won’t hurt as well? I know for a fact that the pain is still very real even if the wound isn’t.

I’d very much like to not be blown up.

“Kendra,” Starla continues, “To your first point, can’t you import assets into the world? You did so a few times with some of the stuff in the rec center, right?”

“Yeah but…it’s all stuff that was already uploaded to the hub. I’m not sure Anika fixed this place up with C4, you know?” Kendra dryly laughs.

“There are ways to make bombs with household objects though,” Starla presses as she flips open the book. “See? I bet all of this stuff is in a grocery store.”

Kendra leans over to read and I worry that I’ll be, again, the only one not on board. Her eyes glide over the page and she starts to nod.

Damn it.

“This could work…”

“Really?” I can’t hold it back. “Can you be sure we won’t be caught up in the blast?”

“If we can detonate them remotely then we can move to a safe distance first,” Kendra states as if she’s now some explosives expert after reading a single page in a single book.

I can’t believe I’m the only one against this. I fold my arms across my chest as they discuss where we need to go to get all the materials.

The group breaks up to go gather supplies and I stay put, not having been given an assignment and also not wanting to go anywhere. I suspect I’ll be left alone but Oz stays behind while everyone else leaves.

I glance up at him as he approaches me. A look of concern is prominent but I see some other emotions laced within. The worrier in me suspects one might be frustration at my stubbornness.

“Melvin…”

“I know it’s probably our best chance, I just don’t like the risk,” I say before he can reprimand me.

He sighs and places his hands on my shoulders. As he comes even closer, I find myself holding my breath—up until the point where he rests our foreheads together.

“It is very dangerous,” Oz whispers and begins to rub my shoulders, softly massaging. “I completely understand why you’re not into the idea. Truly.”

“But it’s the only way?” I meet his eyes and find some exasperation in the deep brown irises.

“It might be. I can’t say for sure. None of us really knows what we’re doing right now. No one has all the answers…” He rubs our heads together, nuzzling against me. Our noses brush together. “I’ve been trying so hard these past few days. Every night…I try to remember.”

“…Remember?” I repeat, puzzled.

He lets out a breathy laugh but he doesn’t seem all too amused. In fact, that exasperation and frustration I noticed from before is back in force. “I…I want to remember like you do. I want to remember being with you in our past life but no matter how hard I try, I get nothing.” He sighs. “I’m sorry.”

My heart aches and I feel terrible for both of us. I couldn’t have guessed he was straining himself so hard to try to remember his past. It has to be especially troubling with how easy it is for me. I don’t try at all—it just happens.

But as much as I’m touched by Oswald’s dedication to this, I can’t keep my feelings inside any longer. They’ve been growing and mutating lately and now, especially knowing this, I can’t hide them from him.

My vision blurs and I feel my throat get hot. I don’t really want to, but I have to.

“Oz…” I swallow hard. “I’m…I’m not as sure you were my husband anymore.”

I avoid looking at him because I’m afraid to see the hurt in his eyes. His hands stop massaging me and he puts some distance between us.

He’s mad—I can feel it. How could he not be?

It’s painful but I meet his gaze again and my heart drops into my stomach. He’s not crying but I can see the tears rising in the corners of his eyes.

“You don’t think so?” he whispers.

“I…” My voice catches and I have to clear my throat. “I still care about you, Oz but…the feelings I have in those dreams are starting to point to a different answer. I’ve had a lot of dreams and the more I have the more sure I get.”

“So…we probably never knew each other?” The crack in his voice is like a knife in my heart.

“I don’t know,” I answer honestly, “And I do love you. I wouldn’t have survived this mess if not for you. I owe you…so…so much. I don’t want to imagine being here without you which is why I had to tell you. I had to be honest. You deserve honesty.”

Oz looks away from me and nods, just enough to count. Maybe he’s not mad but he is undoubtedly upset. “Right…” I watch his adam’s apple bob as he gulps. “I can’t deny that I had hoped we were married but…at least now I know who I wasn’t.”

“…Oz,” I say and reach out to him.

He catches my hand, squeezes it, and releases it. “Thanks for telling me, Melvin.”

There’s too much on my mind and I still don’t love the idea of blowing up the city but I’m in no position to argue. I feel as though I’ve isolated myself from everyone and I definitely have no authority over the group to suggest an alternate path. I also don’t have other ideas in the first place.

I just sit and watch as Kendra, Starla, and Kade get to work on the bombs. They’re simple to make, according to Starla, and Oz quickly joins them. Nate is told to stay put elsewhere since Kendra doesn’t fully trust him and I keep to myself for my own reasons.

As they do all the heavy lifting, I spend the time feeling sorry for myself. Productive, I know. I hug my knees and wonder what Gavin would be doing if he were here.

Probably helping make and plant explosives though I’m sure he’d be actively complaining the entire time. He’d also probably heavily insist I stay back—just in case something goes wrong.

I realize I’d be more worried if Gavin was involved. I’d want to help more and that revelation makes me sick to my stomach.

Am I really so indifferent to my current companions?

I don’t think that I am but are my current actions not proof enough?

I close my eyes to keep the tears from coming. Everyone is working so hard to get us out of here yet all I can do is sit by myself and cry about it? I’ve never been angrier with myself but I still can’t force my body to move.

And, by the time I do manage to stand up, they’re all done.

Kendra directs us to the top of the hill in town and, with some degree of confidence, she looks between us. “Alright…I’m going to blow the charges and, hopefully, the system will break.”

“We’re definitely out of the blast radius?” Oz asks, sounding like he’s asked about a hundred times now.

“Yes,” she responds, “We’re absolutely far enough away.”

“Even factoring in shrapnel, we’re so far uphill, it won’t reach us,” Starla adds.

“Right.” Kendra nods then glances at each of us one last time. “Everyone ready?”

Everyone gives an affirmative nod and I, finally, nod with them. I’m scared—absolutely terrified—but I know this might be our only chance. I can’t hold everyone else back because of my concerns.

Kendra takes a deep breath before she pushes the detonator.

I flinch prematurely and watch the world below us as bright orange and smoky gray emerges from the buildings. Like a line of dominos, the explosions happen in turn as they grow ever closer to us.

Instinctively, I step away and raise my hand over my eyes.

But the explosions stop before they can trigger up the hill and, instead, spread back and to each side of the road—to the east and west. I can’t believe how many charges they must have made for this to still be going on.

The ground starts to shake and I’m nearly knocked off balance. Oz reaches out to stabilize me and I don’t have time to thank him before my eyes are drawn to the disturbance in the sky.

Dark lines shoot out from the point directly ahead of us. Clouds start to shake and break apart into pixels while the blue of the sky falls, piece by piece, like a breaking puzzle. A dark abyss is revealed behind the sky and Kendra shouts in excitement, letting me know this is what success apparently looks like.

“Run!” she cries out, “Run toward the exit!”

No one thinks twice—not even I do—and we take off down the hill. The earth still trembles under us and fire rages on either side of the road but I don’t take my eyes off of the black, gaping hole in front of us. The scenery around the hole becomes blurry and begins to hiss and crackle.

There’s a chance that passing through will hurt but Oz throws his hand out to grab mine and I’m not as afraid anymore.

We exit last and I suck in a harsh, fresh breath—a breath free of that world.

But a bright light switching on all at once makes me close my eyes and wince. I’m sure everyone else is caught off guard since I hear some disgruntled groans and even a yell from Starla.

“What the hell?” Kade mutters.

I force open my eyes though the intense white is quite uncomfortable. We’re in a new area—that much I can tell—but I can’t begin to guess where that is. I find Kendra and watch her, waiting for some explanation.

If anyone knows anything, it’s her.

“Everyone, stay close,” Kendra demands and we all, wordlessly, shuffle toward her.

As I step behind her, I see a figure across the way. Whoever it is, they’re approaching us and Kendra’s tense stance tells me that she’s a threat.

The white light of the room glows off of this woman’s skin making her look even paler. Her long, light brown hair follows behind her like the train on a dress and she wears all light colors, giving off an air of softness and innocence. Her eyes are the same color as Kade’s and her thin lips are painted pink.

“Hello,” she says, her voice matching her appearance to a T, “What brings you all here?”

#heartbeats paradise #my novel #my writing

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j-graysonlibrary · 2 months

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Heartbeats; Paradise XIV

Title: Heartbeats; Paradise

Author: Jay Grayson

Word Count: 112K

Genres: Psychological thriller, drama, sci-fi, LGBT+

Available on: Kobo and my website

Synopsis: Melvin Hardy and Kade Axel appear to be a match made in heaven. After a meet-cute in the rain, the two quickly find themselves in a burgeoning, wholesome relationship.

XIV:

My wet hair falls into my face—one strand in particular almost gouging out my eyes. I slick everything back, finding myself wishing that I’d brought some hair gel with me to the rec center. Of course, I couldn’t have seen a future where I would need it back when Oz and I left the apartment yesterday.

The reflection that stares back at me in the mirror is one I’ve become very accustomed to but it’s more frustrating than ever to look at it.

Everything about this body is perfect in the technical sense. My face is symmetrical, my features are sharp and handsome. Every little thing about me shouts that I’m an ideal man—someone to be desired or, at least, someone that one may desire to be.

As Liam, I may have loved suddenly waking up with features like this. Many of the traits I see reflected back at me are those Liam could have never gotten even through numerous surgeries.

I feel like I should be happy.

But my eyes narrow and I lean closer in toward the mirror. I want to shatter the glass—to erase the image before me because I know it isn’t truthful.

I may have spent the past year and a half in this form but this is not my body. This isn’t me at all.

Even if the man in the mirror copies my every movement, he’s not me.

I’m a ghost in a puppet.

A hefty weight settles in my stomach as I resign myself to what it is I’ll be doing today and I leave the bathroom. On the other side, Oz is waiting for me—awaiting his turn for a shower.

He had recommended that we shower together to save time but I really needed a moment alone after yesterday. Though, now that I’ve had that moment, all I can say I’ve gained from it is a deeper sense of sadness.

I’m pretty sure I’m depressed.

I guess there’s no reason for me not to be, all things considered. It would probably be stranger if I wasn’t.

I reluctantly return to the camp area with everyone else and Kade is the first one to take notice of me. And, just as he takes notice of me, I take notice of his axe.

My brow rises. “Where did you find another one already?”

He smirks and adjusts it in his hands. “There’s all kinds of stuff in the rec center.”

“He broke emergency glass,” Kendra answers in a more straight forward fashion. “It doesn’t matter though—we’re going to be breaking into a pawn shop once we’re all ready.”

“A pawn shop?” I ask and tilt my head to the side.

“There are guns there,” Starla replies. “We figure using those should make the process faster.”

Kade turns his nose up to the idea. “I’m keeping my axe.”

“You keep your axe,” his sister says, “I doubt the rest of us want to chop people up at such close range though.”

“Do any of us know how to use guns?” I ask the most obvious question.

“Don’t worry,” Kendra answers me and smiles, “I don’t know how the assets are used in this particular hub but I’ll be able to adjust them once we get there. I can make it so realism is turned off and we have infinite bullets. I’ve encountered enough cheaters in shooting multiplayer games to know how that works.”

“So…what? We just point and shoot?”

She shrugs. “Basically.”

Once Oz returns, we head out. Kendra and Starla lead the way with Nate behind them, Kade behind him, and Oz and I in the rear. My heart is prematurely pounding on the walk over.

I really don’t know if I’ll be able to do this.

On the trip, we come across a few pedestrians also out and about. Kade, already having his weapon on hand, runs out to hack them down. It feels incredibly wrong to just…let him.

But this is the plan. And we all keep walking.

Kade chops up about ten people between the rec center and the pawn shop. He’s already got spots of blood on him and I find myself wondering why he picked a white shirt to wear. I guess there might not have been other options but still…

Starla holds the door to the shop open and we all file inside. Kendra makes a beeline to the gun cabinet and begins to break the weapons out from their glass hold. I keep my distance for now and walk with Oz around the far side of the store.

There are a lot of miscellaneous things—most of which I don’t think I would have ever seen on my own as I never felt I had reason to go to a shop such as this. It seems like they have everything here besides food and clothes.

Oz and I come across a wall of what I can only describe as battle weapons. Swords, long axes, spears, and a couple of crossbows. I glance over to him as he eyes the selection with a certain degree of contemplation clear on his face.

I quirk an eyebrow. “What are you thinking?”

He grabs a sword from the wall and gives it a closer inspection. “I’ll still take a gun from Kendra but I think I’ll keep something close range on me as well.” As he finds the matching sheath he asks, “You want something?”

I scan over the display again. “Not particularly.”

Oz gives a faint, breathy chuckle. He sets the sword in it’s sheath and slings it over his shoulder. I doubt it’s supposed to be so loose.

“Think Kade will want an axe upgrade?” he asks and points to one of the large battle axes.

“I don’t know,” I say honestly, “He seems quite partial to the one he’s got.”

We head back over to the front where Kendra has six guns laid over a counter and she’s messing with each of their programs. I’m sure it’s a lot less complicated than fiddling with ours and I’m proven correct when she switches between them with ease.

That flickering, pale screen disappears and she lets out a loud sigh. “Alright. They are good to go. The one thing to note, however, is that friendly fire is not turned off because we need to be able to shoot the NPCs. So…don’t shoot each other.”

I hadn’t intended to in the first place. I look around at everyone else—I doubt they had either.

“I’ll take one but I’m not using it,” Kade mentions as he slips one into the pocket of his sweats. I feel that must be unsafe but Kendra doesn’t stop him so I guess it’s fine.

“Hey, Kade,” Oz gets his attention. He throws his thumb back, over his shoulder, “There’s a bigger axe back there if you’re interested.”

Kade looks down at the axe currently gripped in his hands and he frowns a little. “I like this one but…maybe I’ll go look.”

While he’s gone, Kendra ensures we all have a gun. I take mine reluctantly and give it a once over. “Sure there aren’t other safety rules you want to go over with us?” I ask.

Kendra shrugs. “Don’t point the barrel at yourself? These are less volatile than real guns so, really, as long as you keep your finger off the trigger when you’re not actively shooting, it’s fine.”

I suppose they aren’t real guns so real gun rules wouldn’t apply but I still feel uncomfortable holding one. I’m not the only one as Nate looks bothered to have his too.

“It feels wrong, right?” I ask him and offer a smile in case he’s still overwhelmed from yesterday.

His eyes flicker up at me and he stares for a second before shrugging. “Gotta go with the flow, I guess.”

I glance from him to Kendra who is also staring at him. She starts to frown but she doesn’t say anything.

Kade distracts us all with his return as he’s got the battle axe strapped to his back in a much more secure fashion than Oz has his sword. He’s still got his smaller axe in his hands and he seems quite pleased with himself. “It’s a bit heavy, but I want to try it out.”

“How did you get it to fit so snug?” Oz asks, checking around his back to see what he’s done different.

“You have yours on wrong. Strap it across sideways,” Kade instructs.

I hear them continue to shuffle around and talk about their weapons but my mind is filling with static and fuzz. I look down to my hands—at the gun cradled between them—and I can’t focus on much besides the feeling of my heart sinking.

Maybe no one will notice if I don’t shoot?

“Okay,” Kendra raises her voice, getting my attention back on the present. “We’re going to head toward the mall. We should get there sometime around midday. We fuel up, see if the bodies Kade chopped up yesterday are reanimated yet, and we kill everything we can then head back to the rec center. Anyone we see on the way there and back, we get them too. I know this isn’t ideal but it’s the quickest way we have to destabilize the system.”

“I’m ready,” Kade answers predictably.

“Me too,” Oz seconds.

Starla nods. “Let’s go.”

Nate and I stay silent but I give a little nod when Kendra looks at me. It’s all I can do.

The second we get back on the streets, I spot people walking about. Kendra and Oz jump into action, shooting a couple walking hand in hand. They hit their targets on the first try and maybe I’d be impressed if not for the horrific imagery to accompany it.

Kade runs on ahead, not wanting to miss any opportunities to axe people and Starla, dragging Nate along, tails him. Kendra follows but keeps some distance and I tell everyone, not sure what else to say, “I’ll take care of any stragglers.”

That seems sufficient in fending off suspicions but, of course, it doesn’t work on everyone.

Oz hangs back with me.

“You’re still against this,” he states. There is no accusation laced within his words—he just simply knows me.

I gulp. “I know it’s the only way we have, I just…it’s harder for me. I don’t know why.”

“You value life,” Oz offers an answer for me, “Even if you know the life here isn’t true life…it looks real enough for you.”

“Is it not real enough for you then?” I raise my head up to meet his eyes.

He looks away and sighs. “Well, I guess I’m better at telling myself they’re not real. Or violence simply doesn’t bother me that much. But look.” He leans back down toward me all at once. “I’ll do more so you don’t have to, alright? I’ll make sure there are no stragglers so you can just watch our backs and keep your hands clean.”

It still feels wrong but I start to nod.

Oz plants a quick kiss on me before picking up his pace and going ahead to join Kade and them. I sigh and close my eyes at the sound of more gunshots.

This is going to be a long day.

I quickly lose count of how many deaths I’ve seen and Kade is soaked in blood again (though that part didn’t take too long). We’ve been descending down a long, winding hill for some time now and it gives me an unfortunately clear vantage point to the carnage below.

Kade has switched to his battle axe and Oz has also switched to the sword. It seems less effective to me or, at least, less efficient but I don’t really know. I still haven’t shot anyone.

I’ve been watching Nate a lot when I don’t want to be constantly witnessing my lover kill people. He’s taken a few shots but not nearly as many as the others. And, occasionally, he runs off to the far side as if he’s attempting to flee. Someone (usually Kendra) reigns him back in.

This time, Nate hurries off to one of the buildings and Kade is the one to snatch him by the back of the shirt and drag him back. I can see Kade scolding him but I’m too far away to hear what he’s saying. Likewise, I can’t hear Nate’s response.

“Have you noticed too?” A voice at my right makes me jump nearly out of my skin.

I turn to see Kendra. I have no idea when she came back to join me.

“Um…you mean Nate…?” I guess.

She nods. “Yeah…”

“He’s talking more, at least,” I offer.

That, however, doesn’t change her expression. She stares down at him and her frown deepens. “What he’s saying…you may not notice because you weren’t always around during scenes with him but…he’s repeating dialogue.”

My chest constricts. “…What?”

“I can’t tell,” Kendra mutters, “It might just be a coincidence but it could be that he…he isn’t like us.”

“And what if he isn’t?” I worry what that means. “Would we kill him too?”

“I’d rather not. For one, I don’t want to risk being wrong about this and two, he is helping some.” Kendra scratches the side of her head with her free hand. “I just…I didn’t expect to be so confused about whether someone is real or not. The rest of you are so obvious but Nate…maybe he’s just reserved or having a hard time with everything. Or…he’s A.I. I really can’t tell.”

It’s troubling to think that even Kendra can’t make heads or tails of him. Though it does make me feel a little better about being so confused myself.

“There’s no way to tell in his programming, I take it?”

Kendra shakes her head. “No. Otherwise I’d know after digging around in there.” Her frown persists as she stares at him. “I’ll just have to proceed assuming he’s real. I just hope he doesn’t become a liability.”

I find myself matching her frown.

#heartbeats paradise #my novel #my writing

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j-graysonlibrary · 2 months

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Heartbeats; Paradise XIII

Title: Heartbeats; Paradise

Author: Jay Grayson

Word Count: 112K

Genres: Psychological thriller, drama, sci-fi, LGBT+

Available on: Kobo and my website

Synopsis: Melvin Hardy and Kade Axel appear to be a match made in heaven. After a meet-cute in the rain, the two quickly find themselves in a burgeoning, wholesome relationship.

XIII:

Everyone agrees to the plan and I nod my head but I don’t actually say anything. My rebuttal, after all, is just a simple “I don’t want to” and I doubt that’ll hold much weight. If I had a different idea then that would be another thing but I don’t.

I can’t figure any way off of this path.

I just hope I won’t have to do as much of the heavy lifting with Kade on our side. He took out an entire mall full of people within the course of a few hours so maybe—maybe—I won’t have to do much.

It’s all speculation or, in more honest terms, a flickering hope.

“I’ll make dinner for everyone,” Kendra says, wrapping up the meeting, “Kade…do you want to clean up? There’s showers here.”

We all glance over to Kade whose hair is quite stiff and looks crunchy with all the dried blood that’s matted into it. His clothes are most certainly ruined as well.

“So I can get dirty again when we go out and kill more people?” He responds and regards her cynically.

Starla moves closer to her brother and I start to wonder whether or not they’ll even see each other as siblings anymore. Not only have they been told that none of this is real but, even within the timeframe of the story, Kade has spoken to and known two different versions of Starla. Although the first was just a program.

She puts her hands on Kade’s shoulders and looks at him as though he is her real life brother. At least from her perspective, they’re still siblings.

“It will be uncomfortable to sleep like this, right?” she asks with a soft voice.

Kade cuts his eyes to the side as if he’s not able to look at her directly. “I guess…”

“I’ll show you to the bathroom then. We can pick up some new clothes on the way—there’s a donation box in here.” Starla pulls him along and they leave through the gap in the barrier.

My eyes travel back to Oz and I notice that he is watching the siblings just as closely as I am. “What are you thinking?” I ask, startling him from his trance.

“Oh.” He clears his throat and turns his full attention to me. “I was just hoping Kade won’t try to escape.”

“I don’t think he will.” I shake my head as I say it. He’s learned a lot today and most of what he’s learned has, no doubt, changed his perspective on things. It’s changed mine and I had already been resigned to the fact I was someone’s made up character.

“Yeah…I guess he did calm down a bit.” Oz sighs and then checks in on Kendra and Nate.

The two are close together and I can see Kendra’s lips moving but Nate looks unresponsive. I frown as I watch the indistinguishable, one-sided conversation. “I’m worried about Nate.”

“He’s not said anything.”

I look back to Oz who stares forward. I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s noticed. “Should we try to talk to him?” I ask, a bit nervous about the idea.

If it were the Nate from the story, it wouldn’t be all that strange to just strike up conversation but I don’t know who this is.

“Bree—er, Kendra, I mean, has it covered.” Oz finally tears his eyes away and then glances down toward me.

I do suppose she has more to offer him than we do, all things considered. I slump back and lean my head against the shelf behind me. It’s quite uncomfortable but I close my eyes anyway.

“…Are you okay?”

I crack open an eye to see Oz staring me down with a serious expression. It’s not much but I muster a faint smile. “I’m fine,” I assure him, “Just tired…”

“It was a lot to take in,” he continues, “I’m a little frazzled myself and I knew a lot of this already.”

“True,” I agree, “but I don’t think there’s a right and wrong way to react to finding out that you’re a real person stuck in a fake world. We’ve been talking about it for a while now and it’s still not fully sunk in.”

“If it ever will.”

I sigh. “It might not.”

Oswald rests beside me—I hear the creaking of the metal and I feel his arm against mine. “The human brain probably isn’t equipped to be able to understand this. To respond to it. To cope…”

Coping? Oz was already thinking of coping?

I can’t imagine what that might even look like. Other than Kade’s immediate response to lash out, I don’t know what other methods there could be. Obviously, I have no intentions of taking an axe to people (unless tomorrow’s plan forces me to) but I also have no idea how I’ll act once everything is said and done.

When there is nothing else for us to do—when we’re out of this place and free from our programming in the best case scenario…what then?

I’m too tired to think about it.

And, truthfully, I don’t want to.

I hear Kade and Starla come back and I lift myself up and open my eyes. Oz follows suit.

Kade is clean and wearing some baggy, ill fitted sweat pants with a thin T-shirt over top. It’s not the most glamorous look in the world but he definitely appears more comfortable. Starla returns to Kendra’s side and helps her and Nate with finishing up dinner which, in this case, is some heated up canned goods.

I don’t care what it is, I’ll eat it. Though I do wonder if these bodies of ours even require food or if eating is just a means to stave off the feeling of hunger? I consider asking Kendra but, as I get handed my bowl, I decide it’s not really that urgent of a question.

It’s mostly silent while we eat. Kendra is still plainly concerned over Nate and Starla is with her, trying to help. Oz, Kade, and I are on the other side of the area, relatively close together. I would have thought Kade would stick with his sister but he’s, oddly enough, closer to me than anyone.

Even odder, he scoots closer and says my name.

“Mel…” he keeps his voice low as if he’s trying to have a private conversation.

I suppose if we do keep quiet then the girls and Nate won’t hear but they can see us quite clearly. I turn a little to face him better and really take him in now that’s not soaked in blood.

His face is still, technically, perfect and his blue-green eyes are easy to get lost in but I really don’t feel the same way as I used to. I’m aware those feelings weren’t my own and all but it’s jarring to think back on how things used to be.

“Yes?” I respond in a whisper.

“Get your new boyfriend—I wanna talk to him too.” Kade gestures to Oz.

I’m sure Oz is already listening but I lean back to get his attention anyway. With a small motion of my hand, he pulls himself closer so he can look directly at Kade as well instead of peering over me.

“What is it?” Oz asks.

Kade glances between us. “I know all of my memories are lies now. I get that and I realize that means you never did anything to me.” He keeps his gaze on Oz. “But…I still think it’s going to be hard for me to be friendly with you.”

I watch them both—my eyes bouncing between them like I’m watching a tennis match.

“We don’t have to be friends to work together and leave this place,” Oz states simply.

Kade nods. “Then we’re on the same page. Great.” He then switches his attention to me. “Mel.”

So he does want to speak to me too. My brows rise slightly and I answer, “Kade?”

He breaks eye contact and looks down at the ground with a sigh. “Listen…I said some pretty harsh things earlier today about how I was forced to sleep with you and how I hated it and…that’s still pretty true and all but I don’t hate you. It’s not like it was your fault and, to your credit, you did try to get me to top a lot.”

I almost laugh—I’d forgotten about that. All the times I tried everything I could to bottom to Kade. Anika must have been livid…

“It never worked though,” I say.

Kade shakes his head, his hair bouncing with him. “No but you did try. We both tried to fight it but we weren’t strong enough and I don’t blame you or anything. And, even when she left us, and you didn’t have her in your head anymore, you still took care of me when I was helpless.” He sneaks a glance at me but can’t hold contact. “Thanks for that.”

“He still cares about you, you know,” Oz speaks up and I feel a lump form in my throat.

I don’t think I could have said it as straight forward as that but I do think it needed to be said. “Yeah,” I croak out, “I do. Not in the way Anika wanted but…I do care.”

Kade brushes back the bulk of his hair and finally looks at me. “I care too. I don’t know what to call it but I don’t dislike you, Mel.”

As strange as it is, especially after the wild day we’ve had, I’m glad to hear it. I smile and nod. “Maybe we can be friends. I’d like to get to know you. The real you.”

He surprises me yet again by smiling as well. It’s not a big smile or even one filled with any resemblance of joy but it’s reminiscent of a promise or maybe just the will to try. “Yeah, I’d like to get to know you too.”

When it’s time to retire for bed, Kade and Nate both take some space for themselves while Kendra and Starla keep close and, of course, Oz and I push our sleeping bags together. I can still feel the hard floor underneath us but I’m not too worried about being kept awake due to how exhausted I feel.

Oz’s body offers me plenty of warmth and he wraps his arms around me, pulling me in closer. We could probably both use a shower but I’m not too bothered by the smell.

It’s certainly no barrier between me and sleep.

The rowdy, loud party scene is not what I expect at the top of my dream. It looks like I’m in some well-to-do person’s study but there is an abundance of furniture and empty glasses line almost every free spot on the tables around us. I’ve got a small glass of whiskey myself as does most everyone. It’s whiskey, wine, or craft beer.

I count ten people in the room but with how drunk and excited everyone is, it can sound like thirty. A mix of older pop songs play on the speakers but not at such a loud volume that we need to scream at each other.

“To Liam’s new dick!” One of the women roars as she hoists up her glass. It’s funny—as I look at her I’m reminded that she’s a university professor who’s been published in prestigious scientific journals three times yet here she is screaming about my dick while wearing a colorful dick shaped necklace.

“Wooo!” The crowd all cheers and drinks in celebration. I swear this has happened every half hour almost on the mark. Someone loudly reminds us of why we’re having this party and we all use it as an excuse to drink more.

I don’t mind—my head is swimming and I feel great. This is my first get together with anyone since recovering from what is, hopefully, my last major surgery. There are some small cosmetic things I may want to change down the line but I’d rather let my body (and our money) rest after the gauntlet that was my bottom surgery.

One of my best and oldest friends grins as she finishes off a rather long swig of her beer. “Y’know, Liam…I have your dick pic saved as your contact picture in my phone now.” She hiccups into a laugh. “I can’t wait for you to call me in public.”

I snicker—of course she did that.

“Hey, don’t show my husband’s dick to the whole world,” Gavin complains.

I throw my arm around his shoulders and laugh. “It’s fine! I gave out dick pics to all our friends. I’m proud of little Georgie.”

“Little Georgie?!” one of my college friends howls.

“Where’d that come from?” the university professor asks.

I raise a pointed finger into the air and take a big breath as if I’m about to retell some dramatic story of little Georgie’s origin. Then I swing my hand down and admit, “I have no idea!”

Everyone laughs and I take another drink of my whiskey. I feel warm—almost too warm—and the next thing I know, I’m back in my bed and looking at my husband.

“There you are,” Gavin says and plants a kiss on me. His lips feel like silk and taste as sweet as honey. I try to lean more into the kiss but he pushes me back so my head is on the pillow. “You need sleep, darling.”

“But you’re so yummy,” I mumble, barely able to keep my eyes open.

“You’re very yummy too but if we even try to start something you’re going to pass out on me two minutes in.” Gavin kisses me again but it feels like a goodnight kiss.

I groan in complaint. “We left the party early and now you won’t let me have fun with you?”

“We left because we’re old,” he says with a laugh before reminding me, “You were the one who wanted to leave too.”

I pout. “That doesn’t sound like me.”

Gavin kisses my poked out lip. “That was a different drunk version of you, hon. You’ll meet him again in a second when horny drunk you gets tired.”

I can’t put my finger on it but it feels like he’s making fun of me. I grab his arm and pull myself up with it. “Mean.”

My husband laughs and repeats, “Mean?”

I nod though it’s very much a bad idea. Moving my head, even a little, causes the room to spin and I’m back on the bed before I know it.

Another groan comes out of me but this time it’s directed at myself. “I can’t believe I drank so much…I should know better.”

Gavin kisses the tip of my nose. “You were celebrating—It’s okay.”

“I was celebrating…” My vision blurs as I look up at him. He’s such a sweet, caring man and I wouldn’t have been able to do any of this without him. My body reflects who I am on the inside now and it’s all thanks to him. I could cry. I really could. “This has been really hard…”

“I know.” He peppers my face with even more kisses and that just makes me softer.

I don’t want to live without him. I can’t.

Before I know it, I really am crying.

Tears stain the sleeping bag and my hand. That’s what wakes me up.

I slowly open my eyes and see Oz in front of me, sound asleep, and I fight off the lingering imagery from my dream. It’s pretty potent this time and I figure that’s due to my highly emotional and drunken state.

Some of those feelings stick with me and refuse to let go.

I watch Oz as he sleeps and I feel a few fresh tears slide across my face. Though it makes little sense, only one thought prevails in my mind and sinks down into my chest like an anchor.

I miss Gavin.

#heartbeats paradise #my novel #my writing

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j-graysonlibrary · 2 months

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Heartbeats; Paradise XII

Title: Heartbeats; Paradise

Author: Jay Grayson

Word Count: 112K

Genres: Psychological thriller, drama, sci-fi, LGBT+

Available on: Kobo and my website

Synopsis: Melvin Hardy and Kade Axel appear to be a match made in heaven. After a meet-cute in the rain, the two quickly find themselves in a burgeoning, wholesome relationship.

XII:

Just yesterday—though it feels like it’s been an eternity instead—Oswald and I spoke of the possibility that we were real people trapped in this fake world.

And now Kendra looks at us like that might truly be the correct answer.

My stomach clenches as I lean closer, awaiting irrefutable confirmation.

Kade, however, seems confused by all this. His brow furrows and he frowns as he asks, “What the hell does that mean? How do you know what does and doesn’t have a soul?”

“I wouldn’t have been sure before now,” Kendra replies with a shrug, “But after being around all of you, I’ve gotten a better handle on what makes a person…alive. I’m not sure how else to put it but I first noticed with Oswald.”

Oz straightens his posture. “When I kept trying to leave my apartment building?”

Kendra nods. “Yeah. I noticed how often you were trying and, sometimes, you’d start to curse under your breath. It was clear you were fighting your programming with everything you had. Part of me wondered if it was because my hacking around the area that you were acting out of sorts but, had you just been a regular A.I., I don’t think you would have exhibited any free will.”

“And that’s why you gave me his address,” I say as the revelation hits me.

She shoots a smile my way. “I wanted to see if that area was a dead zone for Anika and, if so, what it might do to you. If you would start acting strange too.”

“Well it didn’t work especially well.”

Kendra’s smile remains but it dims, softens. “I could still notice a difference.”

I suppose that is true—after meeting Oz I became more aware that something was wrong though I had no way to qualify it. It was mostly just a feeling.

“It wasn’t until the issue with Starla that I really noticed that something was horribly wrong. And I started to come to some troubling conclusions.”

We all look at Starla who keeps her attention on Kendra. She hasn’t said anything yet (though neither has Nate) and I’m curious about her side of the story. What was it like from her point of view? When did she first notice she had no control? Or, maybe she didn’t until the blackout.

Kendra places a hand on Starla’s arm, sliding down to her elbow before pulling away. “Do you want to tell them or should I…?”

Starla sighs and tucks some of her hair behind her ear. She raises her head to meet all of us and lingers on me for a moment longer. I feel a twitch in my gut but I pay it no mind as she starts to talk.

“The first thing I remember is taking a shard of glass and cutting into myself.” She wrings her hands together and looks as though recounting that also brings with it the physical pain. “There were these thoughts of imminent…deletion…and I didn’t want to disappear. Not a lot made sense so I just kept cutting and cutting…blood was everywhere and then…Melvin showed up and he’s the last face I remember before waking up in a new bed and in a new body.”

“Wait…” I stop her and stare, hard, as if I’ll see in her who she used to be. As if her features will actually change back to reflect the name on my mind. When that, of course, doesn’t happen, I’m forced to voice my hypothesis, “You were Gladis?”

“What?!” Oz and Kade both yell at the same time and, a half a second later, Nate follows with a bewildered, “Huh?”

Starla sighs and her eyes stay fixed on the floor. “The longer I’ve had to think about it, the more fills into place. I remember having this…text and some pictures in my mind of me hurting Melvin when he was a boy. I hated myself for what I saw and I wanted to die anyway but I knew, after a certain point, I wouldn’t be in the story anymore…”

Kendra jumps in to further explain, “Unlike the people who Kade chopped up and came back with different faces, deletion—in Gladis’ case—would have removed her code from the story entirely. Given that she had a real soul in here, there’s no telling what would have happened to her.”

Starla nods slightly and mutters, “I just knew I wanted to end it myself. But then I was Starla and I was so confused and in pain…I had terrible headaches as the new information about this character came to me all at once. Luckily, it wasn’t a lot since she’s a side character but still…”

I remember the party where Starla suddenly fell out from a migraine and “Bree” took her home.

“Did you notice something was wrong as soon as you took her home from the party?” I ask and look to Kendra.

She glances to Starla and then nods. “There was no reason for Starla, as a character, to be experiencing anything like it. So, I took her home and we talked. Anika has no interest in her female characters—for the most part—so we were safe in the condo.”

“Kendra told me about herself…” Starla says quietly, “I just had to be in one other scene, I think, and the rest of the time, I was trying to remember how I got here. Not just from Gladis to Starla but how I became Gladis in the first place.”

My heart picks up. “Have you had dreams or anything about a past life?”

Everyone stares at me. Oz rests a comforting hand on my back.

Kendra’s expression becomes even more serious. “Do you remember something Melvin?”

“Well…I don’t know exactly.” Having all of their eyes on me is a little unnerving. But, with Oz’s gentle motions against my back, I buck up and carry on, “After the black out, I started to have dreams about being a completely different person. In the real world with a real life. It’s just a theory but I think it might have been who I was before coming here.”

“It very well could be,” Kendra says with a deep frown. It’s not that she seems unconvinced but I think she’s upset at the situation in general. She looks from me to Oz. “Do you remember anything like that?”

He shakes his head but continues rubbing up and down my back. “We think Melvin’s husband in this past life might have been me but we have no proof.”

Kendra switches to Kade. “And you?”

Kade leans back against the shelf, no longer struggling against the ropes. He sighs loudly. “No. As far back as I can remember, I’ve been in this stupid body and in this stupid, fake world.”

“I’m sorry…” Her voice is barely more than a whisper.

“Don’t be,” Kade responds but doesn’t look at her, “You didn’t put us here.”

“I’m very curious about that, actually,” Oz circles back, “We can pretty much confirm that we are all people from the real world who got sucked into these bodies—into this story—but do you have any idea how that could have happened?”

Kendra chews against her lower lip and glances away from us. “When I was looking at the backend of this place, I saw some…troubling things. It wasn’t actively in effect but it looked to me like Anika was going to or, at some point, tried this new feature in IVAR called ‘diving’. Now, what this is—simply put—is something that allows users to inhabit the body of the characters in a story and live out the events through them.

On paper, this sounds great for immersion but there were a lot of bugs and reports of people feeling the pain that characters went through too intensely and, in some cases, people were getting stuck. Operators would have to go to their IVAR pods and remove them physically and that, itself, came with a host of potential physical and neurological issues. Sudden and forced disconnection has led to anything from short term amnesia and, in the worst cases, paralysis or death.”

My brows pinch together. “Why would anyone make something like that?”

“Like I said, it sounds great when you think of it as ‘living as your favorite character’ but the reality was a mess. Diving is still being fleshed out but all of the tests and beta versions were put on ice for people’s safety. Yet…I found evidence of diving programming being used in the making of this hub. It didn’t look like it was ever implemented but, with the program still haunting the system, the ability for it to kick in is ever present.”

“So…” Kade frowns. “We were all reading this terrible fucking story and got sucked in?”

“That is possible but it’s not necessarily the only option,” Kendra answers, “It’s most likely that you were all in the IVAR system—possibly in the area or just had an unsecure connection. But you were yanked in by the passive diving program and…well, here we are.”

“Wouldn’t we have memories from our lives a little more clearly like you do though?” Oz asked, sounding skeptical as always.

But I do see his point and I add, “True, if you got sucked into Bree’s body because of that diving thing…wouldn’t it be the same for us?”

Kendra rubs her chin. “Huh…maybe because none of you were aware of what was happening? Or…” she trails off.

“Or?” Kade prods.

She and Starla glance at each other and, like with Kendra’s initial story, it seems like Starla already knows what’s coming. Kendra finally responds, “Or you all died while you were in the IVAR system.”

I look over at Oz and Kade and the three of us exchange equally cynical glances. For one, I’m not sure what difference being alive or dead in this space would make and two, I don’t know why Kendra would even come to such a conclusion.

She notices the silent conversation between our eyes. “I know it’s not the answer you want to hear. At the time I came in here, there were some studies on spiritual energy or ‘the soul’ but scientific institutes had a hard time accepting the results as fact. Some scientists, however, were starting to believe that, after death, a soul can continue to exist but will, most likely, forget about it’s life. The different implications those studies had about an afterlife were heavily debated and controversial but I figured, if that is true, then you all would have a harder time remembering who you were, right?”

“That’s assuming all of that research is true,” Oz points out.

“Yes,” Kendra says with a slow nod, “But, considering our situation, I think I’m willing to buy into anything.”

“So we should just accept the fact we might be dead already,” Kade mumbles and then sighs. “Great.”

“That’s part of the reason I’ve been reluctant about just trying to break you all out of here.” She pulls her knees up to her chest and wraps her arms around her legs. “I think I’ll be able to readjust your programs to be self contained and we can escape this hub but…after that it’ll be a lot of guessing.”

“We can get out?” I barely hear the negative points and focus on the incredible thing she just glossed over.

“Well…probably.” Kendra frowns. “You may have to resort to just escaping to a different hub to live in but I’d like to get you out of IVAR completely…even as just souls.”

“What can we do to help?” Oz asks, ready to jump up and get to work right away.

She looks between all of us again before stretching her legs out and taking a deep breath. “First thing’s first: you’ll need to trust me enough to meddle in your programming.”

“Is there a chance you could delete us by accident?” Oz follows up.

“I’m a good hacker so I’d like to say no but there is always a small chance that I could do damage, yes.”

Starla turns closer to Kendra. “Then I’ll go first. I trust you.”

“Star…” Kendra is taken aback by her sudden, intense gaze.

“I’ve known you longer and I know you better. I’ll show them that you’re safe.” A faint smile pulls at Starla’s lips and I can feel the belief she has in Kendra.

The two women get to work—Starla sits in front of Kendra with her back to her. I lean to the side as a faint blue, translucent screen appears in front of Kendra’s face. It’s coming from Starla, somehow, and I start to feel strange knowing that’s probably in me as well. I rub over my sternum and fight the urge to retch.

The process takes little more than two minutes and Kendra pats Starla on the back, dismissing her. “There you go. Now you’re not anchored to the hub.”

“Feel any different?” I ask, curious.

Starla stands up and walks back to her sleeping bag. She shrugs. “Not really.”

“Alright, I’ll go next,” Oz announces and moves closer to Kendra. I’m surprised he’s going along with it but I suppose, if we want to leave, then we have no other choice than to do what Kendra says. If playing with our code gives us a better chance at escape then we’re all willing to take the risk.

I go next and wait for some strange sensation to come over me, like some sort of pulling or tugging from my back and shoulders, but I feel nothing the entire time. The glow from the screen reflects on my glasses so I know Kendra is working but there is no other indication.

Like with the previous two, she slaps me on the back when she’s done. I return to Oz’s side and Nate goes next.

I’m really starting to worry about him with how silent he’s been but maybe he’s just taking it all in and it’s overwhelming him. If he’s only awoken after the blackout then I’m sure this is an abundance of information.

Oz and I both look to Kade when he’s the last one left.

Kade quirks an eyebrow. “You gonna untie me?”

“It’s okay, Oz,” Kendra assures him and then turns to Kade, “He’s not a danger to us anymore.”

I agree with her but I still tense while Oswald unties him. The smaller man rips himself free as soon as he can and brings his hands in front of himself before scratching the side of his nose.

“Ugh, finally, that’s been bothering me.” He sighs and then scoots toward Kendra. “Alright, get it over with.”

While Kade is having his programming tweaked, Oz picks the conversation up from earlier. “So, after this, what can we do?”

Kendra finishes with Kade and then looks up at Oz. “This may sound strange but I think Kade had the right idea just with the wrong end goal in mind.”

Kade turns around to glare at her. “What do you mean?”

“I started to think of something when I saw that man you axed come back with a different face. His assets changed because the program had to correct itself. That makes it work a little extra harder than it normally would, right?”

With her eyes on us, I feel like she’s asking so I raise my shoulders and say, “I guess?”

She snickers. “Right. So, if we force the program to work overtime and try and adjust it’s assets at a rate it’s not capable of, it will start to break down. Put simply, we can break the program by breaking the assets which are the people and places.”

“So…” Kade draws out the word before asking, “We kill a bunch of people and the program will crash?”

Kendra smiles but she looks a bit put off by the phrasing. “Basically, yeah.”

I can’t believe that’s the plan and I look around at the room to see no one looking as upset as I feel. There are some uncomfortable faces but everyone appears as though they’re ready to do what’s necessary to get out of here. And I get that but…

I’m not sure I can do this.

#heartbeats paradise #my novel #my writing

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