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Billie had always provided her with genuine and unconditional love. And at times, it even pushed her to be better. To do better. Even now, she was here, she was with her, instead of a dark corner in her room numbing herself out as she should have been. And that was small, for most people it would have been small, but not for her. For Jackie, having a conversation, a somewhat hard conversation was bigger than it should have been. So she smiles, finding genuine comfort in the hug of her sister as the words of slapping Lucas prompted a first laugh since everything went down. “You’re right, things will turn out fine they…they always do. No…no need to slap him though. I swear he’s beating himself up enough. Too much…actually. But I appreciate the offer.” At the end of the day Billie was right, she’d been right about everything and she understood her. She understood Jack never meant to hurt him, never meant to cause him any pain — that was enough. More then she could ask for. But she was also done talking about it, and more than grateful by Billies ability to move on from one topic onto another exactly when she needed it. She never pushed, never, and for that reason Jackie loved her so much more.
When the other says there’s something she needs to tell her, for a moment, just a moment she thinks something bad might have happened. Her head always went for the worst, but then there’s lightness in Billies demeanour, a nervousness even and she straightens her posture as if to give her full and undivided attention. — At first there’s a shock, as she processes what has happened, shock but it’s filled with a feeling of ecstasy. Part of her is sad she’s missed it, such a huge and beautiful thing, part of her wishes she’d been around more like, maybe then she could have been there. Known sooner. But all of that is washed away as she sees the glow, the joy, the love in the others eyes and she pulls her into a hug, as tight of a hug as she can manage. “I…I don’t know what to say! Billie…” she pulls away, then pulls her in again and she laughs. “Congratulations I’m— I’m so so happy for you! For both of you! You deserve this you…this is the most, the most amazing news I—” as always, words were failing her, but she pulls herself together. “I’m so sorry I haven’t been around! I’m — we have to celebrate! We have to — come on, come on get dressed!” She jumps on her feet now, reaching for the others closet. “I can’t believe — oh you guys…” her expression softens as she stops in her tracks, eyes once again on Billie before she continues. “Wait, this…this is because you guys are nuts for each other right? You’re not…you’re not pregnant are you?” — “Oh my God you need to tell me everything! How did it happen? Did he…get down on his knees, did you wear a dress?” She’s pacing around the room now, putting outfits together. She always thought more clearly when she was moving, and when she was happy, genuinely happy, she had more energy than she knew what to do with. “Ring? Do you have a ring? I wanna see…”
She knew Billie was right. She was always right. Billie had always been the best thing to happen to her, and while Jack didn't exactly have much luck in life, generally speaking, she must've had more than the average person because she knew her. More than that, she loved her, and was loved back. Just like the other was saying. That was real, that was...what it was all about. -- And she couldn't give it to Lucas. She couldn't be all in with him. With anybody in such a way. So she did, truly, have to let go. "You're right. You're right and I -- I will let go I just..." she sighs now, tears dried, her soul resting. "I just wish he wouldn't blame himself for it. You know? He's got this...this idea in his head that he has to -- save everybody. But not everyone can be saved and not...not everyone wants to and -- I don't want him to be there for me, in that way, I don't want anyone in that way I just -- I want to do better because I want it. You know? Because I'm strong enough, because I can. I don't want to depend on him, I don't want to depend on people around me to that extent I never...I never wanted that, I could never handle that. So yeah I -- I thought him and I....I thought we had an understanding. That we wouldn't try to fix or-or change each other." it was true, she really did want to believe that. "But now I know better. Now I know what he really wants and I'm just...not that person. And I won't change for him. I literally can't..."
When the other asked her if she'd spoke of her feelings, there's a gentle smile that tugs on her lips, almost subconscious. Billie had known her so well, she understood her so well, and there's a nod that follows the question. "I did. I mean, I don't think he was in a right head-space to understand it but -- I did best I could. You know I think faster than I talk sometimes...my sentences they don't -- I don't finish one before I start the other and then people have to fill in the blanks and it...it sure leaves a lot to interpretation but, I think I did okay, I really did say all I wanted to say, you know?" the others words cause a deep sort of relief, right she was again, Lucas would be alright. He had so many people who cared about him, so many people who would do for him just as much as he would for them. And he would be fine. Without her. "Space. Yeah, I can do space." she chuckles, lightly, she was sure there was a joke in there somewhere. -- Desperate now, for a change of topic, she will look up at the other and smile. "Where's Briggs, what have you guys been up to these days anyway?"
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"Nope, still kickin'..." she got that a lot. People thinking she'd died. And they said faking death would be heard -- she wasn't even trying. "Look at you, already so helpful. Think your hairstylist could work a miracle? 'Cause I'm half-tempted to just chop it all off." she wondered if he'd seen Billie lately, or Briggs. She was hoping he didn't. Hoping he wouldn't tell either of them what she was about to ask. -- There's a chuckle escaping her lips as she hears another usual remark and an eye-roll cannot be helped. "Man, little offence taken. But since it's from a place of love..." she nudges slightly with a shoulder and lets a smile spread wide. She knew a good smile usually distracted from sunk-in eyes, made things seem...overall better. "Um y-yeah, yeah no I been good. Just...travelling around, livin' it up..." she felt awkward just sayin' that, who even talked like that? "Anyways, I uh, I need a job. I know...I shoulda gotten you a drink first but, oh well, I ain't good at beatin' round the bush..."
The feigned confidence could be sniffed out a mile away and as Zeke watched Jack sauntering closer, he muttered a cuss beneath his breath. It was funny how the past had a constant desire to catch up at the worst possible time. Breaking away from the group of misfits he was with, he ensured to do so before anybody else could seek out the opportunity. Jack was the perfect candidate – somebody who could become collateral damage and the world wouldn’t bat a fucking eye. “Shit, Jack?” the nerves and her expression alone could tell him everything that was about to be asked. It was either drugs or money, money or drugs. Those were probably the only two things that they had in common – that he really had in common with anybody. “Jesus, I thought you were dead.” A hand ran though his curls at the compliment? Before an uncontained smile tugged at his lips, “yeah – i’ll pass on the name of my hair stylist. Only uses the good shit, you know?” he grinned, shaking his head. He cast a quick glance behind him towards the group he’d broken away from, running his thumb against his brow before looking back to her, “nah – nah, I ain’t busy. I got time. You good? – I say this with love and whatever, but you look like shit, Jack.”
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She knew he was fucked up. And it wasn't the swinging from side to side, trying to hold on to walls, to people. Or the fact that the atmosphere felt like getting stuck inside a very bad fucking trip, or that he sucked in on a joint like it was life-support without so much as a cough. No, she knew he was fucked up because there were four exposed breasts around them and he couldn't clock a single one. "Duuuude, you're fried man." she laughs, having fully believed he heard her thoughts so she shouldn't have to elaborate. Without being prompted to in any way, she lifts up her shirt exposing her bare chest and then lets it fall down again. What else could she do? She felt sorry for his lack of a good time and it's not like they haven't seen each other naked before. Vegas was wild, as was summer times at the lake where everyone would occasionally go skinny dipping until she'd get cold and force everyone out by reminding them of still-water brain-eating bacteria that got in through the nose and started plucking away. "Now you seen tits, lets get a move on..." she bolts into place though, as his arms fall on her shoulders he asks her to stand still, she was pretty sure she wasn't moving to begin with. Who could really tell? Still, she felt more balanced with his hands holding her in spot. -- A genuine laugh to his genius genius fucking offer escapes her lips and she tries to hear the rest but the music got louder and her head got dizzy so she screamed "Outside..." while leaning in and they will stumble their way out in a true team-effort fashion. -- The beauty of fresh air somehow makes her feel the high more, and she trips over a curb deciding to sit down on it, occasionally looking up at the other as he spoke. Where did the joint go? "I'm not...I'm not that fucked I could drive." it was a lie, she couldn't even walk. "Listen, listen, listen....we could get a milkshake a-and then drive to the airport, right? C-cause if we drive we -- it'll take us two days to get there a-and we'll sober up and be all tired and -- but with a plane, with a plane we could be high the whole time and they give booze during the ride and we wouldn't even sober up if we popped a few more right before, right?" there was a question of money though, why was it always money? "Shit man, I'm broke though...I spent my last dime on --" she couldn't remember. "T-there's a Hotel and a Casino on Po-Poydras St." all this thinking was making her sick, as if she was planning a wedding. "You know what? I'm not...I have made like 15 travel plans since...since I got back three days ago and -- oh man I'm tired. N-not of travelling not...not that just, making it all happen' you feel me? Tonight I just want....your -- your stoned ass to just make all the fucking decisions, like I beg you man..." though she wasn't sure what kind of decisions he'd have the ability to make considering he seemed more fucked than her. Fucked decisions? She could roll with that. "Sit down Abs, I'll or-order the milkshakes straight to us...-- couldn't do that in the 60's could they?" -- "By the way you'd have been fine back then, I don't know how many milkshakes I'd have sucked on in freshly post-segregation New Orleans...man, south was fuuuucked."
It was just harmless fun – right? Except for the fact that Jack hadn’t used his name once because she was so fucked up that she couldn’t tell who she was with. Abel wasn’t much better, having fallen straight back into the pattern of escapism. Anything to numb himself for a few hours – to then sleep for a few hours more. So, he continued to tell himself that these messy nights were something that they had done countless times before and that it was harmless. So why all of a sudden did this one feel so frantic? – so forced, as though they were desperately grasping onto any realms of distorted reality that they could. It was a real fight to remain upright and he felt like he was in one of those whacky fun houses, where the walls are all obnoxiously colored and the floor moves beneath your feet. He was standing still — except, he wasn’t as he staggered from side to side, reaching out to grab onto whatever support he could. “How? – How have you seen assholes, when I haven’t seen a single boob? Not even a fucking sideboob, man” he drawled, a hand waving through the air for emphasis before turning to Jack and placing a hand on each shoulder. “Fuck – stay still” he groaned, unaware that it was him that was moving. Readjusting his focus, he squinted, alternating between subtly rocking side to side and back to front, but that doesn’t stop him from accepting the joint as he inhaled a lungful. Slinging his arm around her shoulders now, he nodded a little haphazardly before murmuring “let’s fuckin’ roll. Heyyy, we should go back to Vegas” he felt like a true genius throwing that idea out there. “Like tonight. Like right fucking now.” He was half in half out as he tried to listen as Jack reeled off the more realistic options, subconsciously guiding her out through the halls of the party towards the front door. “As good as waffles and a drive through cinema sound – I’m pretty sure you don’t have a license and I” his shoulders vibrated from his laughter, “I am really, really fucked up. I don’t even know where I parked my car.” As they stepped outside and the cool air hit his skin, Abel inhaled a sharp breath, standing as still as he could manage; appreciative of the breeze. “The 60’s seems like kind of a no go vibe, bro – I would kill for a milkshake though” offering her back the joint, he groaned “cus this thing tastes like ass and not one of those bleached Vegas ones.”
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@fragmcntedsouls (Abel)
She was so high, she called Abel 'Lucas' and 'Briggs' like four different times. All the boys just blended together into one and now the curse was extending to the girls as she forgot their actual whereabouts. Jack couldn't even tell if she was in New Orleans or not, just that her boy was the tall blonde one and she should tie a balloon to his wrist not to lose him. But then she started thinking of doing balloons instead, only no one at this shitty party had a single canister. "Dude, are we in a strip club or did we walk into some type of fucked up no-shower orgy 'cause I swear it's not the drugs I -- I have definitely seen at least three - no - four unwashed assholes in the past twenty minutes." she looks over at him now, taking a joint from between her lips and placing it on his. "Get me the fuck out of here this is...this is so not the vibe." shit, if anyone knew the right vibe, it would have been him. "You could snort coke off bitches assholes in Vegas, remember? I wanna go swimming...wait...wait no that's, that's too sobering...waffles? You know what would be cool? Waffles, beer and a drive-in cinema like...like if we could go back in time and then get milkshakes and shit like...like the 60's? Ah man, whatever let's just go..."
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@fragmcntedsouls (Zeke)
It took her a few days to compose herself. To remember life was not all loom and gloom and broken fucking people. But in those days, she was also reminded she needed a job. A quick an' easy job. High-risk, high-reward. That sort of thing. --- So she went out, on her rusty bike, knocking on doors, asking for chances, many of which she'd screwed up once or twice before. But then she saw an opportunity. And maybe it was the molly, or the fact she just woke up on the right foot today, that this man literally glowed like a fucking sun in August and it felt like divine intervention. This is probably how they came up with the whole 'lightbulb' situation in cartoons. It's exactly what the moment felt like. So with a smile spread wide, she walked up to the other with little to no shame and a healthy dose of fear now pushed to the palm of her right hand and curled into a fist inside the pocket of her hoodie. "Hey man, shit, I uh...long time no see, huh?" smile is casual, little nervous, but she doesn't back off. "How you been? Hair's lookin' good, you uh, you oiling?" that was dumb, shit. "I -- are you busy? Come on let's....let's go for a drink?"
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"Hey, have you seen them TikTok videos where people pretend to talk on the phone in front of their partners, and then say their partners favourite words just to film their reactions? 'Cause you just said 'I can get you an impala' followed by 'mystery machine' and the word 'trip' with a 'p' covered in sugar and -- girl, if I were a dog I'd piss all over your fancy lil carpet right about now." she laughs, though she hadn't really had a proper laugh since she and Lucas went for their little trip of their own. She sure hoped this one would end up better. Though, knowing Riley, it might be just end up a little too 'better'. Or they might end up in jail. Either way, the blonde now had the powers and the strength to bust them out so, what was there to fear? "The answer is yes. To all of it. --- As always, I'm ready to go when you are..."
She nods as the other brings up the word 'choice'. So many conversations revolved around such a small little word these days. "I've been making a shit ton of wrong choices recently and...to be frank, I'm down to make a few more." --- "And no tiptoeing around you either, promise. I'm no Cami but, the blend is definitely on her level so -- I'm sure we'll be fine. Now for real, let's go compel some bitches, life life...shiiiit, we ain't dead yet. Well, sort of."
"i can finesse the supernatural impala, i can also get our hands on a mystery machine but we'd have to take a trip for one of those." she put emphasis on the word trip, popping her lips on the 'p', knowing how similar they both were when it came to randomly hitting the road and leaving town from time to time.
an understanding expression replaced the fallen expression she had. "it's ok, i know what you meant-- i used to think that too. maybe it's different if it's something you decide yourself." riley tried to offer some kind of reassurance, but she knew everyone was tiptoeing around her and she wished they wouldn't so the honesty she provided was a nice change for one. "you don't have to tiptoe around me. my choice was made for me and i'm fucked up, i know it... we all know it. but i'm trying to work on it-- who knows, maybe i'll make a visit to cami if it comes down to it. my point is i'm trying. this blend you've brought will do the trick for the night though."
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She knew Billie was right. She was always right. Billie had always been the best thing to happen to her, and while Jack didn't exactly have much luck in life, generally speaking, she must've had more than the average person because she knew her. More than that, she loved her, and was loved back. Just like the other was saying. That was real, that was...what it was all about. -- And she couldn't give it to Lucas. She couldn't be all in with him. With anybody in such a way. So she did, truly, have to let go. "You're right. You're right and I -- I will let go I just..." she sighs now, tears dried, her soul resting. "I just wish he wouldn't blame himself for it. You know? He's got this...this idea in his head that he has to -- save everybody. But not everyone can be saved and not...not everyone wants to and -- I don't want him to be there for me, in that way, I don't want anyone in that way I just -- I want to do better because I want it. You know? Because I'm strong enough, because I can. I don't want to depend on him, I don't want to depend on people around me to that extent I never...I never wanted that, I could never handle that. So yeah I -- I thought him and I....I thought we had an understanding. That we wouldn't try to fix or-or change each other." it was true, she really did want to believe that. "But now I know better. Now I know what he really wants and I'm just...not that person. And I won't change for him. I literally can't..."
When the other asked her if she'd spoke of her feelings, there's a gentle smile that tugs on her lips, almost subconscious. Billie had known her so well, she understood her so well, and there's a nod that follows the question. "I did. I mean, I don't think he was in a right head-space to understand it but -- I did best I could. You know I think faster than I talk sometimes...my sentences they don't -- I don't finish one before I start the other and then people have to fill in the blanks and it...it sure leaves a lot to interpretation but, I think I did okay, I really did say all I wanted to say, you know?" the others words cause a deep sort of relief, right she was again, Lucas would be alright. He had so many people who cared about him, so many people who would do for him just as much as he would for them. And he would be fine. Without her. "Space. Yeah, I can do space." she chuckles, lightly, she was sure there was a joke in there somewhere. -- Desperate now, for a change of topic, she will look up at the other and smile. "Where's Briggs, what have you guys been up to these days anyway?"
They were sat cross legged on the floor, with Billie opposite Jack and her hands on the others knees – words not having been spoken for a while as she waited for her sisters sobs to calm, but every now and again she would edge the tea -- with extra sugars -- closer and encourage for her to take small sips. It never got easier seeing Jack this way; knowing that she was suffering and there wasn’t anything that Billie could do to ease it except wait. It had always been easier when they were teenagers. Billie could pickpocket a silly souvenir or steal food that Jack loved -- but that wasn't enough anymore. It hadn't been enough for a long time. Lifting a hand, she reached over to dry Jackie's cheeks and wipe away the remaining tears with her sleeve, before brushing the material against the tip of Jackie’s nose, something that she used to do when they were younger. Billie had known that Lucas’ feelings for Jack were becoming somewhat one sided, but it wasn’t her place to put that distance between them. They were both adults and Billie knew her place – and until now, it hadn’t been her business. Inhaling a sharp breath, she released it unsteadily as her hand returned to Jackie’s knee, gentle to encourage her to meet her gaze. “Was it always easy – or did you just tell yourselves that it was easy because you wanted to believe it?” Only when her opinion was asked for, would Billie offer it. Her head shook, gaze momentarily dropping as she thought of her response before peering up at the other again. Her heart ached as she replayed those words over and over in her head, her chest tightening as she forced herself to say the words “if that’s how you feel, then – it isn’t selfish. But it has to be the same way for the both of you. Nothing works if you’re half in half out and he’s all in, Jack. That isn’t fair on either of you and I know that you wouldn’t ever hurt him, not on purpose – but living like that will only end up hurting both of you.” She reminded again, “it isn’t easy, if you’re not both on the same page. If that’s how you feel – you have to let go.”
Her jaw tightened as Jack spoke about Lucas's pain and her heart clenched in her chest as guilt surged through her frame; she had been dodging his calls herself – but it was complicated. Everything was always so fucking complicated. “I don’t – know if that’s true, Jack” another unsteady exhale urged from her lungs as her brow creased – but she wasn’t so certain whether she was talking about Lucas or herself at this point, “that he doesn’t ask anything of you. He wants you to be somebody that you – don’t want to be. Maybe that isn’t intentional, but it's a big part of the problem.” Everything that Billie knew of Lucas and Andy had been retold through Briggs, she had seen how much of a toll that had taken on all of them – how tirelessly Briggs had fought to salvage what shouldn’t have been expected for him to salvage. “Did you – talk to him about that? About how it made you feel?” From past experience, Billie knew that she and Jack didn’t do much talking unless they were numb. Whatever substance they could get their hands on to just make them incapable of feeling pain – that’s when they’d discuss the hard shit. She was proud though, or maybe relieved that instead of turning to familiar coping mechanisms, that her sister had come to her instead. Swallowing harshly, another sharp breath threatened to expel itself from her lungs, “you did the right thing Jack, by being honest with him. You both deserve the truth. You can’t be made to feel something that you don’t – or don’t want. That isn’t fair on either of you.” Billie edged herself closer as Jack hesitated, still face to face on the floor as she reached for Jack’s hand and entwined their fingers, “I know that – I know and when he calms down – he’ll know it too. You’ve both been through so much and it isn’t wrong to want an easy thing, but this – isn’t it.”
Billie's brow creased and her heart felt heavy as her gaze found Jack's once again; her words calm but firm as she spoke them "you aren't responsible for his happiness; you were honest with him, that's all that anybody can ask of you. He'll be okay. He's got Briggs and family who love him, things are rough right now, but he isn't alone -- you aren't either. You just need some time, both of you need some time and just -- maybe some space."
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Jackie could handle many things. And she was not exactly sensitive. But a sharp tone of voice, a raised voice, a tone. It got to her. It always did. So when he snapped back, when his tone got higher she pulled back. She pulled away and she dug her nails into palms of her hands, and she squeezed tight. She didn't want him to be mad, couldn't handle seeing him sad. And while she tried her best, her hardest to not make this about herself -- she felt responsible nonetheless. He came to her for comfort, instead she was everything but. "You cannot look after anyone unless you've first looked after yourself." her tone is sharp too, and she doesn't look at him. "I should know." that was quieter, but it was also besides the point. "So don't sit there screaming that the world is unfair. We all fucking know. It's equally unfair to every single last one of us. And that's not on you. And if it causes you stress to be there for people who need you, then what you need is to tell them...tell us, to fuck off and rely on someone else while you sort your own shit out." she wipes her face, but the tears have dried a while ago, and she takes in a shaky breath. "As for Andy, be with her, don't be with her, do whatever you want. -- We don't always get what we want, but it's good that you actually have a choice. A choice you didn't have when she was dead. So at least try to be happier she's back. Whether you love her or not, whether she came to you right away or not, none of that fucking matters...she's alive. At the end of the day. Her being back is bigger than everything else."
"When Billie...when Billie came back there was...it was the happiest day of my life. Because I loved her, and I love her still and...just being able to hold her again. Talk to her again. It was everything to me. It is everything to me." she was past the point of trying to help him. Now it was down to simple honesty. "Billie is perhaps the only person in my life who always saw me. Was always there for me. Who-who understands me, doesn't ask more of me than what I can give. She-- she's family, more family than most people will ever get. I would die for her in a fucking second. I would burn down cities I would -- " she bites her lip, and finally looks at him again. "But I am still me. And I leave, even her, I leave her all the time. I hurt myself, over and over and I know it hurts her too but -- I can't stop. Sometimes things are...simply bigger than me. Bigger than my love for her. My love for you. Some things control me, not the other way around and I cannot escape them. And I don't expect you to understand, I couldn't...ask of you to put up with any of it but I -- I just want you to know that I am not so...things are not so simple. Everything is not black and white and fuck -- life is not fair. It's not fair to any of us and we can accept it and give in, stop fighting the tides stop drowning and just fucking let it - let it be unfair. Let it be brutal. 'Cause I'd love to sit here and tell you shit gets better. But I don't fucking know if it does, I don't know if it will, I don't...shit, I don't actually care at this point. The sun rises, life goes on and that's it. That's all we get."
Watching him come out with the words holding such magnitudes of self-disappointment left her feeling deep-sorrow, because she could understand where it stemmed from, but she couldn't allow it to be spoken as a fact. It simply wasn't true. "Lucas, people are not trees. They're not static and firm and solid so if you plant them once and help them grow things will work out fine and they'll stay. People are more like...like leaves. They grow and they fall and they fly with the wind and you cannot control where the wind takes them. It's not your responsibility you're not...you're not God. -- Being there for people is not to shelter them from tragedy, protect them from things coming their way. To be there for people is to exist with them, in their happiness as well as their pain. You need to let go of this notion that you're responsible for everyone you even remotely care about, dude, how the fuck do you live with all that pressure?" she genuinely couldn't understand, how he managed to last so long living under a load of self-inflicted responsibility. It was madness. "You are good enough for me to stay, you're good enough for everyone to stay. Easy enough for everyone to love. But I'm not staying because of me, because I have issues that are mine. Just mine. Not yours, not Billies, not my parents' not anybodies but mine. And if you think it's your job to protect me, to somehow heal whatever the fuck is broken to...to make me a better person -- if you think that, if you were somehow better or different then, I would stay and I would try and things would work out and you wouldn't feel like...like you're feeling now then -- well, then you're a fucking fool. And you need to step outside of your own ego and your own desire to be the protector -- because you're not responsible for me. I am. I am my own person, and you don't get to feel inadequate over my own choices, or my own failures."
He didn't understand it, why she was so adamant to push back to Andy when that wasn't he wanted, wasn't what he needed. There was nothing that could be said that would change the way he felt, the way he knew that what had been with Andy had died the same day she had, that there was no reviving it. Brows furrow deeply as he gives an adamant shake of his head, verdant hues anywhere but on the femme in his presence. "Because I don't want to," Lucas admits, tone sharper than he meant for it to be. "We aren't the same people and just because I will always love her doesn't mean that it should be rekindled. There's no had, only have to, Jackie. I have to carry the weight because people depend on me, because they need me. My mother needed me then, Aria and Levi needed me after and even still they need me, Briggs and Billie, Riley- They need me. Andy needs me. But what about what I need? Does what I need, what I want not fucking matter?" His heart practically stops beating in his chest as the word wife falls from her lips and a guilt builds deep within, burning through him, forcing him to swallow back the nausea that came with it. Not only had he failed to keep her safe, to keep her alive, but he also had never given her what she had deserved because he couldn't. He couldn't make that kind of commitment. It terrified him to the core, the thought of her one day changing her mind, of her abandoning him, of deciding that he wasn't enough anymore, it prevented him from truly being able to love her as deeply as he should have. "She isn't- she wasn't my wife," the hybrid admits quietly, biting at the skin of his lower lip as once more he shakes his head. "I promised to love her and to be there for her no matter what, yes, but I never- I couldn't. That doesn't mean that I can't still love her and be there for her without actually being with her." Her words, though he know she means them, that she's trying to make him feel better, only forces the nausea back up and he wants nothing more than to believe her, to genuinely believe every single word but he can't. He'll finally turn his head to look at her, brows dipped low, every single feature reflecting the pain that was weighing him down as he gives another shake of his head. "I know you want that to make me feel better, Jacks," he counters. "That you want me to believe all of it but I- I don't."
The regret that was now soaring through him burned every crevice of his soul, wishing more than anything that he could take back ever opening his damn mouth, of pouring his heart out to her, for telling her how deeply he felt for her. If time could stop, if he could turn it back, he'd have just kept quiet. Not allowed her to see the darkest parts of him that he had hid so well and his gaze pulls away from her again, not wanting to share just how deep his pain was, how it destroyed every single good part of him. She tries to pull him back, to force him to face her but he's too stubborn, to ashamed to allow her and so he remains cemented to the spot, unwavering as she speaks again and he's forcing his eyes shut again with each twist of an invisible never lodged in his chest. There was so much more that they had in common than he had initially thought and it pained him to know that she had experienced the feeling of abandonment, that she still that feeling even to this day just as he did. He wants to speak but every time he opens his mouth, no words come out. The silence between them now heavier than ever as he realizes that nothing he says, nothing he does will ever be enough, will never convince her that it could be different, that he would never abandon her, never choose anything or anyone over her but could he even promise her that. He hadn't been able to promise Andy that, he couldn't promise his friends that he wouldn't abandon them when he had literally just up and left without telling them he was going to. It was a pattern, a cycle imprinted on him from an early age that he couldn't shake, much like his father's rage that laid beneath the surface.
The sob that leaves Jackie breaks him to his core and he wants to reach but there's a force that refuses to allow him to move, to allow him to reach out for her. He wants nothing more than to wipe the tears that he was sure stained her beautifully angelic features, to hold her, to comfort her and yet he's far to scared to. He can't physically move or speak, almost like he's paralyzed where he stood because if he allowed herself to reach for her, to comfort her, it would only hurt worse but then she comes into view and her touch is against his features, the tears that stained his own continuing to fall mercilessly as he once more shuts jaded green irises. Her words do little to ease any of his pain, any of his thoughts and then she's pulling him into a hug and kills him, being this close to her and knowing that this was where it all ended. "The easiest thing to love," Lucas repeats almost inaudibly. "But not enough for anyone to stay, to choose me. I know it's not on me that everyone is damaged, I know that, but it doesn't change the fact that I have lost every. single. one of you or that I feel responsible because I couldn't protect anyone. I have failed every single person in my life. My mom, Andy, my daughter, Billie, my cousins, Briggs. Fuck, I can't even save you from the pain that you've lived with this long. I couldn't save even one of you. All I've ever done is try to protect everyone and clearly I fucking suck at doing that to. It is my job, it's always been my job, I'm the fixer, the protector." But was he. He clearly didn't do a great job at it and his past seemed to scream the complete opposite. All his years being bailed out of juvie and jail by Dex, all his years pushing his family away, leaving them at arms reach. Maybe he was actually the destroyer. Maybe he was more of his father than he ever thought he was. Maybe he had gotten all his father's traits and none of his mother's and that's why he couldn't seem to do anything right, why he did nothing but cause further pain to the ones that he thinks he's protecting, and God did he crave a drink, to be so completely fucking shitfaced that he wouldn't remember any of this in the morning- just like his father.
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@traegics @ofhowlingxs @fragmcntedsouls @vilisisms @ofmoonlitmagic
“A picture is a secret about a secret, the more it tells you the less you know.”
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She must've sat crying for a while, though Billies presence alone had made it all better. Her face was dry now, and she was staring at the half-drunk cup of tea now gone cold as she took a deep breath. "I just went over to say hi...you know?" she finally begins, trying to put the timeline of events back together, trying to figure out where she went wrong. "Like him and I we...we have -- we had this thing this...good easy thing and I -- I just wanted it to stay that way. I guess that's selfish, huh? To want to hold on to someone with one foot always out the door? I never...I guess I never realised how much it hurt him this...this easy thing..." she knew her coming and going had its downsides, but she also knew the pros of it outweighed the cons. Even if she couldn't prove it. Refused to prove it. "He was so sad man, I've never seen him that way before and -- and he never asks anything of me so...when he asked me to take him away I just -- I mean I would've been a hypocrite to say no. So -- I shot you that text and we just...we just went, right? It was...it was all good it was...I didn't think..." she didn't think anything bad could possibly come out of it. And perhaps nothing bad actually did.
"Then he told me Andy was back and how he...he wasn't man enough for her or whatever like, shit has changed too much he was a different person. He'd always love her all of that..." she takes a sip of the tea, her mouth was going dry and her mind was moving fast. "You know what the fucked up thing is? When he said that? I thought 'damn, so you're not man enough for her you want to settle for me?' -- I mean, its not like he even meant that and I just...I took it so personal and I hated that. Then I pushed the whole Andy thing too hard and he just...he said he loved me." she pauses. Those words felt strange now, coming off her mouth. "And he opened up about...about everything and I just -- he wanted us to try, he wanted us to try and I couldn't and I -- I was just being honest Billie. I don't know how to give him what he needs or wants or...or deserves I don't know -- I'm just not that person. I'm not the person he thinks I am and it's just...it sucks because I want to be. I want to be that person so fucking bad but I --" she bites the insides of her cheeks, as the lump in her throat grows again and she hates herself once again, because she can't put it all in words. "I don't know how. And I told him that and he -- he didn't get it. It just hurt him more. -- I never wanted any of this to happen, you know? He's...he's been though so much I just...I wanted to be that one easy thing. And I wasn't. Because I can't be what he needs me to be and I can't...promise him I'll stay I can't...I don't want him to love me like that. I don't want to love him like that." the words are heavy, but they're true and she would not walk them back. Whatever the hell this was, she wasn't ready for it. She wasn't ready to give any more than she already had. "Why can't shit just work out for him? You know? Why is it always one fucked up thing after the other? I wish he'd just...have a good life. That's all. I just want what's best for him and...I dunno..."
The fallout had been anticipated from everything that Billie had heard from Briggs, but she understood Jack well enough to know that if she reached out, pleaded with her to come home, it’d only push her sister further away. Jack wouldn’t mean it and it’d never be in her to hurt Billie, but the harder Billie pulled, the harder Jack would then push. It was a history that rewrote itself and continued to repeat, time and time again. Lucas and Jackie were volatile souls and perhaps a selfish part of Billie had hoped that together, they would find a way to let the other in -- to find a way to heal, but she knew now that she should have seen this coming. She felt responsible for ever having allowed the situation to spiral as far out of control as it had.
“Jack” she breathed, the same tone of relief that her voice held whenever her sister would stumble into a room after a prolonged period of them being apart – always ready to patch her up; to comfort her. Billie's arms had opened long before Jack had made a beeline for her, inviting her home as she had countless times before. “It’s okay” she countered, her tone soothing as she held onto Jack as though both lives depended on it. “-- Briggs has got him. Don't worry about that. It’s okay” she could offer that reassurance at least. Her arms enclosed tighter around Jackie’s frame, her palm running against the back of her curls as she attempted to soothe the other in any way possible. “Shhhh, i’ve got you. I’ve always got you.” Despite their embrace, Billie's head shook, "no -- no, why would you ever think that? He doesn't hate you, of course he doesn't hate you. Just -- take a breath, alright? and you can tell me what happened. Everything will be okay. I promise."
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@fragmcntedsouls (Billie)
She had no one else to go to. Billie had been her only family for better part of her life. And she felt selfish, utterly fucking selfish to be coming to her right now. In this state, in this chaos. Things were looking good for her sister, she was finally getting the love and the happiness and the security she had deserved for far too long. And Jackie didn't want to fuck it up. Didn't want to be a burden. But she was also tired, of walking around on eggshells, of keeping people out, pushing them away. And while crushing up a blue pill would have been easier, would have been the only thing to make this whole situation somewhat better --- she went to Billie instead. She went to her first. And she couldn't help tears from running, even if she wasn't actually crying. No, se held it in, that was until she saw the other. Until she saw what little of comfort this world had to give her and she rushed into her arms like she was drowning and the other was a lifeboat. "Billie I--" its hard to get the words out, it's hard to fall apart in someone elses arms, and for her, it had always been even harder to explain. To say the right things. "I fucked up and I -- Lucas..." where does she even start? "He's in pain and I -- he hates me he -- I just made it worse and worse and then, and then I didn't...I couldn't fix it I just...and I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do..."
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Jackie knew what he meant. She knew what it felt like not to be good enough for someone, it was exactly how she felt with him. And it hurt her to think that maybe, the only reason he would have wanted her, was because he no longer felt like a man Andrea deserved. Like she was somehow was less than Andy, like...if she were to give this a shot, if she were to change, if she were to become everything he needed her to be -- he would still only be settling. Settling for something less than he'd had before. And it causes that burning insecurity within her to amplify, and she feels sick to her stomach for even entertaining the thought. Because even this version of her -- this imagined 'better' version, was still nowhere good enough. And she was not even half of that. "Why must it be the same?" she asks now, void of feeling, numb to the pain she awakened without even trying. "Why must it feel the same? Do you think she's the same person she was before? Do you think death did not change her? A-and if you love her...if you always will then...then shouldn't you at least try?" the words coming off her lips now surprised her more than she could fathom, but all she wanted, ALL she wanted in this point in life was fo him to be happy. And if Andrea made it happen once, then she had the tools to do it again. As did he. "I know now...that you had to carry the fucking world on your shoulders. That you had to be there for people all the time that...that you're tired and you want to scream and that you're so so fucking angry and terrified of that but --- she needs you Lucas. I may not know her but I know enough to know that. She needs you now more than she ever did and...you, well you don't get to tap out -- she's still your wife. You made a promise and you may not know how to deal with all of this but you got to figure it out man. And you will..." her voice breaks, and she looks at him with such confidence now, she wants him to know she truly means what she's about to say. "--because you are the best this world has to offer. You are kind, and smart and loyal you...you're strong and you're intelligent and you're funny and soft and rough and real -- you...you're so real Lucas. You're everything. So don't you dare...e-even for a moment sit here and act as if you're anything less than that."
She had never been good at expressing her feelings, at showing just how deep and true her love could run. But she wanted him to see this, se wanted him to know where her mind was at. Where her thoughts were. They spent so much time hiding from each other, so afraid of showing these dark and broken parts -- and they were more alike than expected, and that was not a good thing. --- He's turned away from her now, and she feels the sea of guilt washing over her, drowning her. She wanted so badly to be the person he could fix, the person he could hold on to, the person he could love freely and easily. The person who could make him happy, who could give him everything. But how could she be that person? When she was not a person at all? She doesn't let him hide, and she tries so hard to turn him back to face her but she can't, and she allows the words alone to greet him, he may not look at her but he can still hear. "Love is...love has never been enough. I don't have to tell you this you...you already know." she wipes her face again, and this conversation should have ended but she wouldn't let it. "My mother she...she loved me, and still she loved the needle more. So much more she left me and I...I needed her. I needed her so, so bad and...it was not enough that I loved her back. It was not enough that I needed her. I -- I have loved so many people before. But I left them too because if I hadn't, they would have left me first and I -- I don't want to be loved anymore I don't....I don't want people to care if I come or go. I don't want people to be sad, or hurt, or broken because of me. I don't know how to express everything I'm thinking and feeling and worrying about, I wish so bad I could because I want you to understand....to know that there's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing bad about you there's....I just love you and it will never be enough because -- I'm me. And I only know how to love with my soul, not with my actions. But that's what love really is -- it's actions, isn't it? It's what we do to show it. It's how we pour it out and I...I don't know how to do that Lucas."
A quiet sob leaves her lips and she wants more than a joint now. She wants to crush up enough pills to make herself forget this ever happened. To make herself feel numb and quiet and peaceful again. --- And then he does something that pushes her forward, finally, and she will move herself to face him now and she will place her hands on his face and she will shut down every part of her brain just to pull him back out. "No, no, no, no....no don't say that. Please don't say that I -- I beg you not to think that it's...it cannot be further from the truth... please..." she pulls him into a hug, perhaps against his will, she did not care. Suddenly she possessed enough strength to lift a mountain, because she wasn't gonna let him go down a spiral. She wasn't gonna let him think something which was not real. "Shhh...you'll be okay, you are and will always be the easiest thing to love. I promise you that, I --- I swear on that, you're...we're all here for you, love, we're all here in whatever capacity we can be here and it's not on you Lucas, that we're all damaged in our own ways. Not everything that is wrong is your fault. You know that, right? You know that all of us...we're doing the best we can. And it's not your job to save us all, to make everything better -- Please don't be so rough on yourself, please I -- I can't bare it."
He remains quiet, words nowhere to be found as he allows her to lean against him, palms rubbing against each other and normally, in her presence, everything was quiet but not now. Now his thoughts were loud, screaming, echoing in his ears, running rampant. His heart thudding against his rib cage with no mercy and he wants nothing more than to cover his ears, as if that would do anything to muffle the noise in his mind, and he scream, God, did he want to just scream. Every word that fell from her angelic lips were like tiny blades slicing through the last remaining shards of his heart, chest tightening as the light in his eyes slowly fades away, tears slowing as he's filled with an emptiness, a numbness that he hadn't quiet experienced until now. "I don't want to go back to that," Lucas will admit softly, emotions void from his voice as he stares blankly ahead of him. "I can't. I love her, I do, I will always love her but it could never be the same. I don't feel what I felt back then. Honestly, I don't think I can feel anything anymore."
The tears that fell down her features broke him, hated being the cause of them, and there's a shift in the atmosphere between them, a distance that he hates more than he hated himself. He wants nothing more than to reach out, to wipe them away but he's unable to move. Every piece of his past that he kept hidden from those he loved, every single thing that he had endured, every hit, every punch, every gut wrenching loss, now out there between him and Jackie, the picture of strength that he had used as a mask destroyed leaving nothing but a broken pile of bones as he lowers his gaze to the sand beneath them until she's pulling him back, her lips against his and for a fraction of a second a spark surges through him and the hope that seemed to be fading quickly, burned again, at least until she pulls away again and even though her frame remains against his own, her head against his shoulder and his arms wrapped around her, he feels a million miles away from her. And he fights the tears that are burning at broken emerald hues as her own tears stain the cloth of his shirt but he loses that battle as they slowly break through, rolling down his features as she speaks again. Any ounce of hope that he had of having her, of being the person that could repair her damaged heart, of showing her that she deserved everything the world had to offer, was shatter in seconds, the broken pieces that laid within his chest now a pile of ash as he's pulling away from her, moving away from her because her words had killed the last remaining humanity that he had clung so tightly to. He's quiet, too quiet as he turns his back to her, hiding the pained expression, hiding the tears that streamed mercilessly staining his cheeks red like the burning within his chest. He was nothing more than a broken shell of a man and he's never felt more lost, more alone. The sun was breaking through the sky and yet the world around him was pitch black and her words continue to pierce through him like a dagger. He had never needed more from her, all he wanted was for her to stay, to give him the chance to show her that she was worth being loved, that she deserved to be loved. Despite everything she said, he still wanted her. The reality of her words, that there was no way that he could have her, the worst pain he'd ever felt. He wasn't sure that they'd even make it out of this trip okay, still friends when his heart still yearned for her, would continue to yearn for her and for a moment he starts to imagine a world where they don't collide causing his stomach to twist in the most unimaginably sickening way.
There's a deep inhale of breath and it's audibly shaky, his hands visibly trembling at his sides before one rises to brush back his locks and his eyes fall shut. "It's okay," he blatantly lies, voice breaking with each word that falls from his lips. "I get it, I'm used to this. Everyone that I love- they leave. I shouldn't have- I shouldn't have expected more from you. I shouldn't have expected you to stay." The exhale of breath from his lungs was just as shaky as the inhale and it's taking everything in him not to allow his legs to buckle beneath him. "I'm not easy to love," the hybrid states. "I'm- I don't know what I am. Loss is inevitable in my life, every turn I take is just another face to face with the grim reaper, begging him to not take yet another person, pleading with him to take me instead, praying to a God that I don't even believe in to take all the pain away. I can't- I'm no good for anyone. Not you, not Andreia, not Briggs or Billie, not Riley, not my mom or my siblings, none of my family. I try to be but I don't- I don't know how to be. So it's fine, Jacks, really. I'll be- I'll be fine."
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@traegics
today's mood, 06/09/2022.
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She takes a moment to focus on him, take in the words, the emotions, the sheer magnitude of what this meant for him. For them. She would have been a liar, if she told herself she never thought about it. Taking this on, whatever this was. And that there was a part of her, a small tiny part that was....hopeful, even in spite of all reason. Hopeful that they could make it. But with each and every word, that hope shrunk, got smaller and smaller until it was nothing more but an aftertaste left bitterly on her tongue. Her eyes fill up again, and she doesn't want to cry. She doesn't want to see her perspective of things. But she can't help it. It was a curse, always falling in line with other peoples thoughts and emotions. "I understand your anger. I'd be angry too..." she reassures, pulling him in, and she lets her head rest on his shoulder as the sun begins peaking through the horizon, and she wishes they could stop this. Stop talking, stop thinking, just be here in this moment, just the two of them. But the words were like a dam, and when the dam broke it was near impossible to stop it. "You're not weak Lucy. And you could have handled it, but...could she? I want to say if...if it were me and I just came back from the literal grave, I would have come to you. I would have...wanted nothing else but to be by your side, be back home. " there's a pause, and she's trying to think clearly but clarity was a luxury. And she was not privy to it. "But if I said that I'd be...I'd be a hypocrite. I'm...hell, I'm alive and I'm barely here. I need so...so much time and that, I don't think that would have changed. I don't think that's something that will ever change." she swallows hard, and she knows he will understand what those words mean. And she knows it will make that hope, same small hope living within him, shrink as much as hers. "So that anger? I get it. But I also know you loved her, and someone you have once loved, had to have been a good person. And she's that person still, and she wants to come home." a tear now falls off her cheek and she'll wipe her face in quick motion, as if to ensure he wouldn't see it. "And it's because you're strong. It's because you're not made out of glass that...w-well maybe...you should let her."
She pulls away now, slightly, gently, and she reminds herself to breathe. But then he does something that pushes her off her axis, sends her mind spiralling, and she's crying now, she's crying harder than she had in a long, long fucking time and she wishes she could turn back time and she wishes she could hold the child that was abandoned and beaten down and held a world of tragedy on his shoulders and somehow, in spite of all of that, still kept going. Only to be beaten down again. So much of him made more sense now, so much of him felt more clear and it's like she sees him now, truly sees him, for the first time. And she can't do anything, she doesn't want to do anything, just look at him. "Lucas I --" the words are cut by something stronger than reason, stronger than thought, and she pulls him in and she places her lips on his, pressure of her movement pulling him further in and she doesn't let go, she doesn't let herself be selfless, and compassionate, and intelligent and all the words he had used to describe someone she wanted him to see. She doesn't care now, about anything, about anyone. It's him, just him, and she lets herself love him. Without any conditions, without any promises. Without any future. When she finally lets go, she lets her arms fall around his neck, and she'll let her head rest by his neck as tears soak the shirt that covered his shoulder and for a moment she's quiet, and she thinks. "I'm not...not just rough around the edges I...I have become my edges. I have become someone who wants so...so fucking bad to be the person who could...stay, be someone real but -- I just, I just can't. And it's not you because...because you make things better too but...I don't feel the quiet. I don't feel the love even if I know it's there I don't..." she squeezes him tighter, she cannot look at him, she cannot bear it, she just needs him to know who she is. Who she really is, even if she fucking hates it. "I am scared, even now I feel so alone and I cannot change that. I can't help it, I just...this is the way I might feel forever this...dark fucking pit of nothingness and I don't want to take you in with me." finally she lets go, she lets her eyes meet his and she knows she's a mess and it's reflected in him and her fingers brush against his cheek as she says the words she'd never wanted to speak. "I could never give you more than I already do. This is all I have. And this is not enough, it will never be enough you -- you said it yourself, it hurts...it hurts you when I leave it hurts when I...when I do what I do and I just -- I want more for you. I want better for you. And I don't know how to be that I wish I could I promise you, you...you have to believe me I want to I do I just...I don't know how. I don't know how...." her body shakes now, from weakness from crying, from letting the words meet his gaze, and she wants him to hold her, to tell her it's okay that he understands that he wants her anyway. But if he did, it would only hurt more. Because one indisputable fact remained -- he had always been, and will always be, someone who deserves more. "I'm sorry."
There hadn't been a moment of peace in his life, at least not until Briggs and Billie, and then he met Jackie and his entire world shifted on it's axis. He hadn't expected it, thought he was destined to a lifetime of third-wheeling, a life of never feeling love again and yet she had weaseled her way in, through all of the shattered pieces of his heart, through the darkness that loomed over him and even while she was constantly in and out, every time she was around, he was home. She was easy to be around, never pushing him to be anything less than what he was. Her question is a heavy one, one he doesn't quite have the answer for because of the anger he still held, the pain that came with knowing that she had been alive all this time and didn't give him the chance to prove that he was better off with her, that he could handle seeing her, having her back and he releases a heavy breath, single hand rising to brush back unkempt curls. "It should've been a good thing but-," Lucas counters. "She said that I couldn't handle seeing her again and that's why she didn't come back at first." There's a momentary silent as his frame pushes forward, features being hidden within his palms as a muttered 'fuck' falls off his lips like a simple breath. "Am I that fucking weak," the hybrid questions. "Does everyone think I'm some fragile piece of fucking glass? I thought I'd be elated to see her again and I'm not. I'm fucking angry and I can't seem to settle it. Guess that's one thing my dad passed down to me, fucking piece of shit."
His head lifts from his hands, features turning to allow verdant hues to land on the femme beside him, digits wrapping around her hand as it lands against his own and he's silent, listening intently to every word that leaves her lips, each revelation fueling the burning flame beneath his skin and hates it. He hates all of it because she didn't deserve any of the pain, any of the trauma that she held deep down, but he understood it. Understood it better than most could so he nods to show he's listening, gives her digits a light squeeze before he eventually opens his mouth to peak. "You feel like you don't deserve it," he counters, words more in the form of a question than a fact. "Jacks, I would never leave you, never get tired of you. You're the first person that I've- That I've let in since I lost Andy. All my life I've felt like- I have to be the protector. My dad used to- he drank, a lot, and he would-." He falls silent for a moment, the nausea of the memory alone enough to silence him as he shifts again and he's forcing his jade irises shut as he swallows that lump that had formed in the back of his throat. "He hurt my mom. I was seven and patching her up after every fight, eventually stepping between them because I couldn't just- She was the closest thing to a saint that I had ever known and to watch him do that to her, to see the pain and the turmoil that she hid when I was just a kid, I couldn't just let him keep doing it and then when I was ten she sent us to live with my Aunt Sierra and I never heard from her again. I spent months calling her before bed, leaving voicemail after voicemail before I eventually allowed the anger of being abandoned by her swallow me whole and I hated her for it, I hated her because I needed her, because I protected her and she left and I suddenly had to be the protector of my siblings at 10. Ever since that it's been one thing after another but Jackie, you quiet it all and you don't make me feel like I'm just here for one reason. I do see you for who you really are and who you really are is an amazing human being. Resilient, brilliant, compassionate. None of us our perfect, most of us are rough around the edges. I have my father's anger issues, I have this deep rooted depression. You are no uglier than I am." He's always known that they were more alike than just surface level, he could see it, feel it. She endured just as much pain and suffering and she handle it the same way that he did and it almost seemed unfair because she deserved so much fucking better. The moment the conversation returns to Andy, however, he's pulling himself away, pushing his frame up from where he sat as he moved closer towards the water, arms crossing over his chest as if to shield himself from what she was saying. "This isn't- Jackie don't, please," and he's almost pleading with her, almost. "I can't. There's too much that's happened since then and losing her and our daughter I don't think I could ever go back to that. It's not the same anymore. I'm not the same person I was back then. Even if I wanted to- I know I would fall short because the version of me that she remembers he doe- he doesn't exist anymore. The only thing confusing about you is that one minute I feel like there could be something more between us and the next you're distant or you're leaving. What's not confusing is how I feel about you." His frame turns, facing her again, green irises finding her own, finally pleading with her as he shakes his head and moves back towards her, crouching down in front of her as his palms fall against her knees. "When I said that I love you I meant that I love you. That isn't confusing to me."
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"Oh shit, really? I was like...half-joking." it's an out. Last thing she'd want is for Riley to think she was using her for her fucking amazing superpowers. Though, she wasn't gonna pass up on a car unless she's dead and fucking forgotten. She'd be saving for one if drugs and weed didn't cost money. Shit, maybe she should turn into a vamp herself, then she could get those for free. Except...they wouldn't work as well and her new high would become sucking people dry so...maybe that was a thought she should not entertain. "Ever seen that tv show? Supernatural? Two brothers rinnin' round saving the world from demons? Anyway, the hotter one drove a '67 Impala. And I always wanted that fucking car man it's...old, it's classy it's...it's just the car for someone who knows jack shit about cars..." at least it was the only car she could think of. "Unless you can get me the Scooby van --"
When the other admits being a supernatural creature with hella powers was not all it was cracked up to be, she'll let the room take a more serious note and nod in understanding. "No I get that. I didn't mean it to come off that way just...my poor attempt at trying to look on the bright side. Dunno, I'm tiptoeing around you a bit. I wasn't exactly sure what state of mind I'd find you in." it's honest at least. It was the only thing she had to offer these days. "I got a good blend this time, if I do say so myself so...come on lets get high and knick a car, what a way to cross that shit off my bucket list."
"oh yeah, we can go car shopping. what’s s your dream car?" she shrugged, riley was never going to use her newly acquired abilities for the greater good. in fact, she was determined to raise as much hell while using them because she knew it would be like throwing dirt in the oea's face, in the mistake the made in killing her. "trust me... its not all shiny tricks. i'd give anything to reverse that clock." she sighed, running a hand through her curls and then quickly shaking her head, as if it would help expel those thoughts in some way. riley shoved her feet into some run down boots as she finished getting ready and slapped her hands to her side as she motioned that she was ready. "depends on the blend, but once it hits it's the same as it used to be. shit just doesn't last as long now."
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