kairosjuly

[kairosjuly]

Left Out

2019 has been kind of hard for me especially on my mental state. I’ve been living with friends that year in a two bedroom unit. It was the year where I felt the aftermath of what happened to me the previous two years. I didn’t know that I have been staying in my room the whole time until one of my friends pointed that out. She told me that they don’t really feel my presence in the unit anymore. Because I don’t go to the dining area that much or I don’t usually get to talk to them at all. Take note, I am the very first to go home after work since my workplace is the nearest to our place. That time, I really don’t know how to tell them my story and I thought to myself “would they really care?”, “would they understand?”. That’s why I didn’t bother tell them anything. Also it’s hard for me to express myself, I don’t know why. I just can’t find the right words to say. Last quarter of the year turned my situation around. I was able to recover from all those anxiety and self-hatred. I gained a bit of confidence on myself. My friends now know that I am going through something and they’re trying their best to help me and I am grateful for that. Although it was just a short time before we end our contract with the unit. I felt a little regret that I didn’t open up with them earlier. I guess that was the reason why I didn’t get closer with the most of them. 

Few months after, I am now working from home in Rizal. It was pandemic season so it’s hard to just go outside to hangout or something. I’ve seen a post from a friend where they hangout or something. To be honest, I really felt left out. They were like my close circle but at that moment I felt like I’m not part of their circle anymore (lol such drama). Funny me, I really wanted some human interaction but so lazy to talk. Really doesn’t makes sense right? I confessed to God what I am feeling. Truth be told, I didn’t have that much interaction with them when I was living with them in the unit so why would I expect that I would be in their inner circle? Also if I know I could still message them whenever I needed someone to talk to. It’s just that I am so idealist when it comes to my relationships.

I know this post doesn’t seem to make that much sense but I just felt like I needed to post it here. It’s a reminder for me to not see my worth in the people around me. I have worth in God’s eyes. Also, I couldn’t expect people to love me the way I wanted. We have different love languages. Also relationship is a give and take thing. I guess it was this idealism which lead me to my previous mental struggle that is bothering me. I shouldn’t yield to these kinds of thoughts anymore. I don’t want to go back to that state anymore. 

I praise God that those kinds of thoughts don’t bother me that much right now. And that I’m feeling okay now. 

#2019

[kairosjuly]

Saturday Before the Last

The Saturday before the last, my father, uncle and I went to Megamall to buy a new laptop and office table. The tech store near our place is unreliable. Felt like they don’t want any customers purchasing their stuff. That is why we decided to go to Megamall. At least they have a Cyberzone where there are lots of shops that I can buy laptop from.

We arrived at the mall at around lunch time so we headed to the food court for a quick lunch. Tables have numbers now and they kept track of who sat on each table as part of their contact tracing protocols. Uncle and I went to the Cyberzone first as father is still having his RC machine get fixed. I was aiming to buy the Ryzen 7 variant of the Huawei Matebook D14 so we headed straight to the Huawei Concept store. Surprisingly there were not much people in the store so we didn’t have to wait outside (all stores have a minimum number of customers so everyone has to fall in line outside of each store). I asked the sales personnel if they have available stocks of the Ryzen 7 variant and to my surprise, she told me that their Matebook stock have just arrived. The boxes are still beside their cashier for checking in to their storage room. So I immediately told her that I would like to purchase one. She said that there were just 9 items in stock for the Ryzen 7 variant. After the initial setup and testing we then looked for an office table. My father does not approve of me buying an office table online so we took the chance to look on some furniture shops while we are in the mall. Unfortunately most tables are expensive, even the ones in the department store. Uncle suggested that we look for some furniture shops outside the mall. When we arrived somewhere in Taytay, we headed into this furniture shop beside a gasoline station. We were the first customers at that time and we had a chance to look through their office tables. We were looking for a table with the size of 100cm x 50cm. This is actually rare to find, I don’t know why. Most tables are 120cm x 50/60cm. What’s amazing is that the shop has one of that 100cm table and its price is half the price of the ones in the mall. Long story shot, we bought the table.

I am just amazed of how things turned out. I was actually praying for our trip to be smooth and it did. We came just in time when the laptop stocks arrived and we came into the furniture shop that has the table that I need. That trip was actually an answered prayer! 

#08292020

[kairosjuly]

Over a month

Days fly by so fast. I can’t believe that it’s been over a month since I started on my new job. I’ve also got a new contract and they raised my salary a little bit due to some changes in the work setup. Well there weren’t that much change on my end since I started as a Contractor not as a regular employee. The whole team will be moving from regular contract to a contractor agreement. The company is pulling out the development team from the outsourcing company.  And in addition to that, the company will be giving loans for the whole team to buy laptops/computer that we can us for our job. How I wish I could go to Megamall right now to buy directly from the shops in Cyberzone. Guess I’ll have to order online.  

[kairosjuly]

ATM

Today my father and sister met at an ATM line. I’m happy that they were able to talk again personally after xx years. This has been an answered prayer for me. 

I didn’t witness what happened. My father just told me what happened. He was having difficulty withdrawing money from my ATM card (I was staying at home since I’m still working and of course I don’t have any quarantine pass). He decided to end the session but he noticed my sister waiting in line. He asked for her help to be able to withdraw from my card. He even told me that she was driving a large vehicle and that he was amazed that she was able to drive such vehicle.

To be honest, I have been feeling insecure with my sister. Maybe because I’m being materialistic, which I think is wrong. Or maybe because I think she’s been pursuing something that she really likes (I don’t even know what I really want specifically). Or that she has achieved something and that I think I haven’t achieved yet (immature me!). I know I shouldn’t feel this way. She’s my sister and I’m really happy that she and father have seen each other after a long long time. And all these things that I’m feeling is just a reflection of myself. I am frustrated with myself I guess. It felt like I’m just going through the motions. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy with my new job right now. It’s just that maybe I need to seek more of Him and His purpose for my life. I need direction, guidance and fulfilment. 

Lord help me. Transform this heart of mine. 

#08042020

[kairosjuly]

Delay

This week will be my first payout in my new job but there had been a slight delay. I was told by my superior to send my invoice earlier since the accounts will be needing my bank details prior to the fund transfer since the money will be transferred internationally. The 30th came but when I checked my online banking app, the amount hasn’t reflected yet. To be honest, I was worried. I didn’t receive any confirmation from the accounts that they have received my invoice document. Although my superior said that as far as he knows it’s fine. I sent another email to the accounts to confirm but I still haven’t received any response from them. I thought to myself, 

“Maybe it was the banking company. Maybe they needed few days to process the fund transfer. (cause you know, banking companies here in PH)”. 

It was few minutes after 5 in the afternoon that I received an email from my boss saying 

“Sorry about the delay – we have just set up a PHP account to make things easiest going forward.Your invoice is being paid today – hopefully it hits your account soon.”.

This email cleared every kind of stuff that I have in mind. At some point I did overthink. Lots of thoughts came into my mind like “Am I really gonna be paid?”, “Did I do something wrong and they won’t gonna pay me? (since I’m a contractor not a regular employee)” etc. Ridiculous me! 

Confirmations for me are very important as I really tend to overthink things. One of my love language is words of affirmation (I think that’s my top love language haha!). I know actions speaks louder than words but in my case I needed to hear words. I believe words can either make or break someone. Not saying any word is another. Although, like closure, words of affirmation/confirmation aren’t always available. I know in my heart that I needed to deal with that reality. Also not everyone will understand my case so I really appreciate those people who, even not in their nature, exert efforts to speak words of affirmation to me. 

Going back to the invoice story. Today, I received an email from a fund transfer service that the company used that my payout should reflect within the day and it did! Hooray! I’m grateful for today that I was also able to pay my bills without worrying about my savings. Oh and by the way, the promised amount from my previous company has also been transferred today (they still have to pay the rest of my backpay in parts though).  

That’s all for today! :D

#07312020

[kairosjuly]

Moving Out

Days have passed so quickly. I’m on my second week now with my new job. The following week would be my very first payout as a contractor in the company. My boss told me to send my invoice a little early to the accounts as they would need my bank details prior to the fund transfer. I hope the bank transaction will go smoothly by next week. 

I’ll be moving out from the condo unit that I am currently renting since I’ll be working from home here in Rizal for the time being. I’ll need to get my stuff from the unit before the 15th of the following month. I haven’t gone far from my home here in Rizal ever since the lockdown so I’m a bit looking forward to go to the unit but at the same time I’m paranoid as there were 2 reported Covid cases in the other building in the condo compound. I just hope that there wouldn’t be any problems when I go there. 

#07252020

[kairosjuly]

On-boarding

Today is my first day at my new work. First time to do the on-boarding online. This day has been jam-packed with meetings. It was refreshing that even if I have lots of meetings scheduled for the day, those meetings were short and not that exhausting. I still have a long way in order to understand the ins and outs of the company. 

I appreciate what my boss told me after my last meeting. He told me that it’s okay if I don’t know everything. He told me that tutorials can be easily found online and that I don’t have to worry when given with unfamiliar tasks. In short “Don’t be pressured”. I hope I do well in this work. 

Lord, bless the works of my hands. 

#07132020

[kairosjuly]

First Day

Tomorrow will be my first day at my new work. This isn’t my first job per se but I still feel nervous. Or I can say it’s mixed emotions - nervous and happy. Nervous because this role that I’ll be working on will entail a variety of tasks unlike my previous jobs. Happy because this has been an answered prayer for me. I don’t have a lot of savings to stay unemployed for the rest of the year that’s why I really needed to earn again. At the same time, there are a lot of things that I wanted to do once this pandemic ends but that would require me to save a lot. I know for now we are still facing uncertainty with regards to this world crisis but I’m hoping and praying that everything will get back to normal very soon. 

#07122020

[kairosjuly]

Over the Weekend

Two of my friends messaged me last Thursday morning. Their company opened a job position for a Front-end Developer role and they immediately thought about me. So they asked for my updated resume and referred me to their Development Head. I was then scheduled for an interview the following day. I was so nervous. I wanted to pass the interview and I didn’t want to let my friends down. I was praying the night before the interview. Morning came and it was time for my 9am interview. I was expecting a technical exam after that 30 minute interview but to my surprise there were none. It was a very chill interview. The interviewer spoke as if we’ve known each other for a while. He told me that he’ll be having a meeting with the team after my interview and that he’ll update me by Monday or Tuesday next week. I was so relieved, I thought that interview went well compared to my previous interviews that week. 

Weekend has passed swiftly. Monday morning, I needed to do some errands with my father. At around 10:40-ish in the morning, while waiting in line to pay for our utilities, I received a message from my friends regarding my application. The Development Head was asking if I’m available for an afternoon meeting that day because he’ll present an offer to me. My friends told me that there’s a possibility that the offer will be lower than my expected salary so I’ve set my expectations before that meeting. 

That afternoon, the Department Head presented the job offer. I was shocked to see the details of the contract. I was actually preparing myself to accept the offer even if it’s lower than my expected salary since it has been a struggle to find a job during this pandemic. But when he scrolled down to the compensation part, he offered me a salary package somewhere in between my expected salary range. He even added an allowance for my internet use since I’ll be working from home for some time. He then discussed about the schedule and other details about the role. 

And today, I sent back the signed contract to the Department Head. I’ll be starting to work by Monday next week. I was really amazed with what happened. This was the job application wherein I was only interviewed once and didn’t take any exams and then I was offered a job as if the company just decided over the weekend. With this, I am truly grateful. This has been an answered prayer for me. It was God’s favor and grace. I pray that I’ll do well in this job and glorify Him with the works of my hands.

#07082020

[kairosjuly]

One Sunday

It’s been more than a month after my official last day in my previous company. Almost four weeks of job hunting. Job hunting has been hard these days due to the pandemic - lack of workforce and cost cutting of various companies. I also couldn’t help but feel that I am incompetent. Nowadays, most companies require their applicants to be multi-lingual when it comes to programming languages. I have been so focused on what my previous company is using. I limited myself with that e-commerce platform and its design tools. I only had like few months of experience of some App/API frameworks from this company. I never had a chance to study due to workloads that require us to work over time (sometimes overnight). If we are not doing over time, I am stressed enough that I wouldn’t want to look at codes when I get home... or maybe I’m just burned out?

I have started few weeks ago studying stuff that I think might be helpful in my job hunting. I have to balance my schedule between job hunting and studying. It’s just that I am worried about my funds. There are still bills to pay, stuff to buy, and my family and I still have to eat. Also the CEO from my previous company sent me an email telling me that the 1/6 payout of my backpay will be delayed indefinitely. These are the things that are out of my control.

It is frustrating that there are times that you cannot do something about your situation. There are also a lot of things that I miss doing. This quarantine has limited me to the four corners of our house.

Tomorrow will be another Monday. I still hope that tomorrow will be better than today. I still believe that despite all these uncertainties in life, God is still God.

#06212020