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kamila-tiff · 3 years

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when somebody asked, "what did you get from 2020?"

hello, fella.

I found something that somehow could bring my other side back. actually, I found it years ago but it was gone due to another thing I got to work on. and that thing meant a llllllot of things, yup, early busy college life. it was something that could distract me from the sadness I felt, the burdens I held, and other hustles and bustles I carried. it brought a whole meaning of happiness instantly. no need to worry about the due date, no need to worry about the slumped assignments. well it was totally needed to worry but I just ignored them because 'damn I don't care all I want is fun".

you know what, fella? it's fangirling!

lol this would be a hilarious post but I just realized how fangirling affected my life so much. I've always been stanning boy or girl groups since years ago. but somehow I (thought I) finally retired on 2017, even though I still casually listened to the songs and got the updates. it turned out on 2019 that the retirement was temporary lol joke on you, kamila. my long-lost fangirling soul was back. I was realllly happy and I really missed that kind of feeling. to get insane over a standing-only man or a bbuing-bbuing man, to scream in front of my screen, to grip a pillow because of the cuteness I couldn't hold anymore when watching them, and so on.

months after, the group that I liked disbanded. (tragic background music plays). it upset me a lot, and that long-lost fangirling soul was tragically lost again. but somehow I was grateful because that time, I felt like fangirling was a bad distraction for me and I got to escape from that no matter what. well I still casually enjoyed the songs, I still watched the music videos. vibingggg.

2020: "hello, the lost soul, you're here again, eh?"

the soul: "well I got nothing else to do! people got nothing else to do! we got nowhere to go, everything was on screen. my world was on screen. that was when I found them back!"

my friend poisoned me with a group that I already liked–but not that deep–to become 'Why are they so cool? Why are they doing this to me?! I need to get out from this fandom but I can't!' kind of stan. but somehow it was a thing that could still make me 'feel' that year. feeling happy, crazy, in love, sad, anticipating for what came next, disappointed for what didn't come, waiting for another surprise, and such. there was a famous line "2020 might be the worst year, but not for nctzens". It was 3000% true! I felt totally spoiled and fed by many things and it kept me sane. I had a lot of things to do even though just by staying at home but how could I survive with less amount of happiness intake? and that fangirling sould could fulfill it. not only that, my close friends were also stanning the same group. I always got someone to get crazy and hype with. I was never alone. there was always something to laugh at, as small thing as a funny tweet or video. it doubled the joy.

fangirling allowed me to take a rest from what I was facing. it also became my daily happiness intake. I watched their videos, I got happy from it. I shared it to my friends or vice versa, I laughed over it together, the happiness got doubled. it was simple but it really was fascinating. seeing the group got an achievement made me feel like I was the one who won lol. it seems weird until you feel it by yourself!

anyway, this is just my thought. isn't being a fangirl is just the same as um, let's say, a football supporter? you spend time watching the football players play football, if it becomes your hobby or passion then you also play football. a fangirl spends the time to watch the idols performing, and if they like dancing, singing, or making songs too, they may do it. buying merchandises, meeting other fans around the world, voting the idols to win. isn't it the same? so, what's wrong with that?

and I don't think being a fangirl is limited by age. it could be anyone, any age, and no need to feel too old for that as long as we are happy! and don't forget about our own world too because lee haechan once said that we need to focus on what we are doing, your idol is just someone who passes by. meanwhile our life is the thing that will last. ok lee haechan-ssi!

that's it, I am going back to see another update. thanks 2020 I finally found my other comfort and joy.

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kamila-tiff · 3 years

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dear myself, you don't need to get healed quickly. you don't need to find the cure instantly. it's not going to be easy, it's going to take a while. in that moment, you're going to learn things that could only be taught when you feel that. when you see that.

and, on the process you're going to find the new you. you're going to unlock a door that you would never meet before. that door could lead you anywhere you would never guess. so, take your time. wait for the moment. the time will tell. there's no need to 'win' over your past. it's not a competition with your past. let's see where we're going, self.

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kamila-tiff · 3 years

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have you ever been in that situation where you felt like the happiest because of someone or something, till you realized that this one was going to hurt so bad. you realized that upsetting possibility since the beginning but it still disappointed you at the end.

"I told you," you said to yourself.

"still, this was not what I wanted."

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kamila-tiff · 4 years

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Stop right there, see how many obstacles you have passed. How many times you noticed your steps turning into sweats. The story never stops, doesn't it? It never ends, see how beautiful every inches of its plots.

#daisy flower #flowers #nature #plants

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kamila-tiff · 4 years

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Hey, keep breathing

The air may desire to expel its good wishes for you, and tell you what it feels like to be with you all this time. It may thank you for inhaling the sanity of morning tuneㅡso you are able to spend your whole day happily.

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kamila-tiff · 5 years

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what if that home you're coming isn't that home you've been looking for?

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kamila-tiff · 5 years

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One day I met a lovely person. Most of the time she looked so cheerful like no sorrow could be formed on her until I found out that she could never pass a day without dealing with her anxiety, and I was one of her place to release her anger. She could never tell what was on her mind until the time when pressure was too high so that she exploded it all. I found out that her writings were made when she held it all. It all was written when she held her pain, her tears, and she couldn't tell anything beside writing it. How lovely, she put it all into beautiful words.

I was never courageous to show what I did write, I was never courageous to show what was actually on my mind behind the careless look until she showed to the world her writings from the early time when she put anything into words, and keeps developing until she could write beautiful poems.

I will never have my writings better if I never show them to another person. I will never be courageous to show what I can do beside holding it all on my mind, if I never tell it. By this, by writing, I am letting myself to refine. I am exposing myself to make headway. For a long time I only wrote for myself, now I am writing for myself too, but letting other people find it.

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kamila-tiff · 5 years

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um...

have you ever desired to go anywhere without desiring where to go, or have you ever desired to just go from the real life and escape through anything that could carry you to wherever it is?

public transportation may be that one vehicle chosen because it's cheap and reachable. but who knows, you could get such wonderful things that only happened when you chose to go by this thing. new people, new friends, new conversation, new experience, new story. it may sound bizarre but you will know once you go by it, especially alone.

one day when i was tired and in the desire to escape from such stuffs, i saw an old woman sitting on the corner, leaning on the pole. she closed her eyes and that feeling of relaxed, i could feel it. beside her, there was a little child sleeping and leaning on the thigh of the old woman. in unconsciousness, the feeling of relaxed was emitted to me. i couldn't move my sight from that moment. it was lovely and precious.

another ride, there was a man, standing, hanging his hand to keep him safe. i saw his tiring face, i could feel his heavy bag, and for several times i noticed that he repeatedly checked his watch. i knew he was tired, i knew he was in rush. he needed time to take a rest. i would never know what was on his mind, i would never know where he would be going, i would never know what occasion he would attend. i saw him from distance, in hope that he could at least get a sit.

i wondered. what if i stayed in the bigger city, let's say, Jakarta? how many men and women i could notice their tiredness? will my friend and fam be one of them? what if i am one of them?

many thoughts, feelings, and stories can be assembled by only one go.

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kamila-tiff · 5 years

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the sky was cloudy and overcast, but the stories had been going on.

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kamila-tiff · 5 years

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vintage and old books, this place is peculiar in a good way!

i'd be inciting everyone to come here no matter if reading is not the purpose. sit, relax, and order a cup of tea or coffee.

#books and libraries

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kamila-tiff · 5 years

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it was the moment when i felt like the luckiest yet the upset feeling still dangled like a tail. yes, it was the time when everyone seemed enjoying their off days while me, struggling a day long.

ruined holiday, rushed mind, luckily rescued with a comfortable place and a good companion.

but as the time goes by, it was the time to realize that no one could ever get the exact same experience like mine. how could i be so stubborn being jealous over the others who got a longer sleep time than mine.

irreplaceable experiences are precious, no matter how mournful they are.

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kamila-tiff · 5 years

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