katushku

[katushku]

Dear Sam,

Hello sizter! I just wanted to write and give you an update on everything you have missed since you left. First thing I want to say is that we all miss you so much, you have no idea how much.

I turned 21, 24 days after I said goodbye to you. Do you remember the guy I had been dating since I was 17. Well he planned a very nice 21st birthday party for me. I wasn’t sure how to feel about it. I felt happy but you were missing, the vibes weren’t there at all. Mom got very drunk, you would've thought it was funny. I think she was trying to mask the sadness she felt. I told myself that I wouldn’t drink after you left but I heard you telling me “Ale if you don't drink when you turn 21, you’re lame”. So I drank, and I had a hangover for two days. You know that was my very first time drinking, LOL. The next day I found out that he wanted to propose the morning of my birthday. When he told me that I said “Well I am glad you didn’t because I would have said no”. This hurt his feelings a lot. I had been in limbo with my relationship with him, when you left I could not think about continuing my life without you.

Mom told me you two had planned a trip to Disneyworld to celebrate my 21st in July. My mom felt it would not be okay with you if we missed it. You had planned on surprising me with all the details. You even spoke with him about it because you knew that I would never take an entire two weeks off of work to go anywhere. He told me that he had already planned on running the smoothie shop alone while I went on vacation. Since you had already left he found someone to run the shop without both of us being there, he went decided he would come to disneyworld with me. You know how much it must’ve taken for us to trust someone with the business, but we knew you would have wanted us to go. Even after I told him I would not accept the proposal, he has always been a great friend and I am working on getting back to him because you know that he makes me whole. I have just been a little lost since you have been gone.

Then came Christmas, the first one without you. It was nothing special like when you were here…We did get together at grandmas, like always. We all sat and cried when the clock struck midnight and it was then the 25th of December. There was a long pause with just silence. We all tried to snap out of our hurt hearts.

In general being at grandmas has not been the same. The house is empty when it is full of people, silent when filled with noise. Grandma still makes those pancakes you loved. At first we couldn’t say your name because she would burst out in tears. She has always been very open and sure of her emotions, it was very easy for her to express herself. Our cousin Laisha, aunt Rosita and I still had not found a way to express and understand our emotions. So when grandma cried we got very uncomfortable. We stopped mentioning you in front of her. We stopped mentioning you at all with each other. We were all going through the same pain but avoided leaning on each other because we weren’t open emotionally. I worry about dad so much you two were so close, I feel like I have to fill that void in his heart but I can’t. I try to make that 4 hour road trip to visit him as much as possible.

Forwarding to your birthday, March 5th. We celebrated your 18th. I made you the same cake I had made on your 17th, the last year you spent with us. We went to the Cheesecake Factory. I got the same meal we shared together every time we went there. Mom got the lettuce wraps you loved. Your most recent birthday, 19…we did not get to go to the Cheesecake Factory. I didn’t get a chance to make your birthday cake. I felt so much guilt missing out on what had been a tradition for almost 10 years. I wanted to make your birthday cake for the 11th time, I had been doing it since you were 8. Instead, we visited mom’s brother in Montreal. You know, he was the first one to meet us at the house when you left. He also misses you very much.

I went to what would’ve been your high school graduation and I felt your presence. I couldn’t wait to see you in your cap and gown. You always said everyone doubted you but we were all your biggest supporters.

The entire year after you left I did not know what to do about anything. After my 21st birthda I irresponsibly stopped working.I started to fill my body with tattoos, going out every weekend, stopped talking to mom and distanced myself from everyone. Until I found a box filled with mail addressed to you. Sam! You were accepted into 4 universities! Seeing this filled me with so much joy and sadness at the same time. It was the wake up call I needed to get back on track. I know it was you helping me get out of that dark room I put myself in. You were always the one to get me back up when I was down. I want to say thank you, because you left me with the most confidence I have ever had. You always pushed me to do things outside my comfort zone. You were so unapologetically YOU and didn’t let anyone bring you down. After seeing those acceptance letters you had received, I decided I would finally go back to school. You always did call me the nerd in the family and said I was made to always be in school. You were right. I enjoy school so much. Everything I accomplish is for both you and I. Thank you for visiting in my dreams and taking away the nightmares. We keep you alive in our hearts, now we talk about you any chance we get. As a family we lean on each other when we miss you and you are the one we do it all for because I know you brought us together again.

I love you and miss you like you wouldn’t imagine,

Your sizter.

#grief #sibling loss #little #sister #i miss you #i love you